Hamilton Explained: Appointing A Supreme Court Justice

In this Very Special Edition of Hamilton Explained, we aren’t explaining lyrics from Hamilton. Instead, we are using Lin-Manuel Miranda’s lyrics to explain a hot topic of the day: the whys and hows of appointing a Supreme Court Justice when one dies, retires, or resigns.  Hamilton lyrics are in red and underlined.

  1. A Supreme Court justice is appointed for life. Sort of.

Supreme Court justices are Article III judges – federal judges whose powers and responsibilities are governed by Article III of the U.S. Constitution. The Constitution provides, in relevant part, “[t]he judges, both of the supreme and inferior courts, shall hold their offices during good behaviour.” (U.S. Const., art. III, § 1).

Most justices appointed by Washington died or retired within several years.

John Marshall, a historical figure who deserves a rap musical of his own, was appointed by John Adams (“President John Adams” – Good luck). So was Bushrod Washington, among others. Both served for over 30 years. A precedent was set: Justices were able to serve until death. (For your love, for your praise
And I’ll love you till my dying days).

But to be honest, a life term was a bit shorter in the early 1800s. Sure, historical lifespan ranges are skewed by high infant mortality (Every other founding father gets to grow old), but the fact is that starting in the 20th century, justices lived considerably longer. John Adams (sit down John, you fat mother – [BLEEP!]) may not have predicted that. (See, I never thought I’d live past twenty; Where I come from some get half as many.)

 

Well … I should say that  Justices serve for life – if they want – as long as they exemplify “good behaviour” (You keep out of trouble and you double your choices). IRL, only one justice has ever been impeached.

2. There are reasons for the justices to sit on the bench until death, retirement, or resignation.

First of all, this alleviates partisan pressures – Justices don’t have to appease the party that nominated them (don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for) or make their decisions based on what will get them elected to, say, a senate seat in the future (if you stand for nothing, Burr, what will you fall for?).

Alexander joins forces with James Madison and John Jay to write a series of essays defending the new United States Constitution, entitled The Federalist Papers. The plan was to write a total of twenty-five essays, the work divided evenly among the three men. In the end, they wrote eighty-five essays, in the span of six months. John Jay got sick after writing five. James Madison wrote twenty-nine. Hamilton wrote the other fifty-one!

… in one essay, Hamilton wrote: “nothing can contribute so much to its firmness and independence as permanency in office”.

When a Supreme Court Justice can make his or her decisions based on their clearest interpretation of the Constitution and judicial precedent, they are (we hope) making decisions that will benefit American law for centuries to come, instead of their own career (What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.)

3. Eventually, some people retire…

If I say goodbye, the nation learns to move on
It outlives me when I’m gone

While Washington set the precedent for the two-term limit, we tend to think of Marshall as the originator of the life term for Supreme Court justices, even though that’s not strictly true.

and others die.
You have no control: Who lives, who dies, who tells your story … or which Justice dies during your Presidential term, it goes without saying.

4. Let’s take it back to 6th grade: there are three branches of government operating under a system of checks and balances.

I’ve been reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine … which argued against the system of checks and balances. And another thing, Mr. Age of Enlightenment, the drafters of the Constitution (I was chosen for the Constitutional Convention!) had to revisit the philosophies (like Paine’s) that lead them to break from England in order to create a new system of government  (If we lay a strong enough foundation, We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you).

The result: a legislative, executive and judicial branch organized under the Constitution and its ever-expanding list of amendments (The constitution’s a mess -So it needs amendments). It’s full of contradictions, So is independence.

Basically all of American government is organized under the mantra of “check yourself before you wreck yourself.” And, the judiciary doesn’t need to tailor its decisions to the whims of the current legislature (My power of speech: unimpeachable).

5. When a vacancy is created by death, resignation, retirement, or impeachment (sorry, Samuel Chase), the President nominates a new Supreme Court Justice.

Despite those tweets you saw from your one Tea Party Uncle, this isn’t at all up for debate and is actually an enumerated power in the Constitution. Your Tea Party Uncle probably claims to be a strict constructionist, so he should love this. “He shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint … Judges of the supreme Court…” (U.S. Const., Art. II).

There’s never been a case where the President has left nomination up to the Senate, nor could he, because again, the President nominating the Supreme Court is legit written in the Constitution (I’d rather be divisive than indecisive).

Other than the President choosing the nominee, there aren’t really any other enumerated requirements. Unlike the President, the Supreme Court justice does not need to have been born on American soil – A place where even orphan immigrants can leave their fingerprints and rise up. Typically a nominee will be trained as a lawyer, and often is a sitting District Court judge.

Another thing:  you get love for it. You get hate for it, You get nothing if you… Wait for it, wait for it, wait! Which is to say, the President has ALWAYS said “I am not throwing away my shot” and appointed a new Justice – because we NEED the Judicial branch in America, and I’m not just saying that because it’s my own pet branch of government, but also because the Constitution says that it’s his job.

 

6. The Legislative branch is responsible for vetting and confirming this Justice.

When it’s time for the Senate Judiciary Committee to hold confirmation hearings, they are typically subject to lobbying from special interest groups and their electors. You cannot discount how influential lobbyists can be: at worst, holding funding over a senator’s head, but at best, educating them on possible implications of their decisions on segments of the U.S. population (No one really knows how the Parties get to yess The pieces that are sacrificed in Ev’ry game of ches We just assume that it happens But no one else is in The room where it happens.)

During the hearings, the nominee is questioned by the Committee (Ask him a question: it glances off, he obfuscates, he dances). They cover the nominee’s basic history (What’s your name, man?) and judicial philosophy (He started retreatin’ and readin’ every treatise on the shelf), but nominees may refuse to answer questions.

The Committee then votes on whether the nominee’s appointment should go to a Senate vote with a positive, negative, or neutral vote. Most disputes die, and no one shoots and also most nominees do go to a vote on the Senate floor.

If they don’t reach a peace, that’s alright. The Senate has only formally rejected 12 nominees after a full confirmation hearing; the last time that happened was in 1987.

But if the Senate DOES fail to confirm, they still don’t get to nominate a candidate because that is the president’s job. (But they don’t have a plan, they just hate mine!)

7. In the meantime, what happens to cases decided by the dead Supreme Court Justice?

While the Senate is twiddling its thumbs and playing pick-up sticks, a slate of pending Supreme Court cases hangs in the balance. So if they’re tempted to drag out the process for political reasons… um… Are these the men with which I am to defend America?

The late Justice does not get a say in future votes, even if he indicated how he was going to vote (Uh… do whatever you want, I’m super dead.) With the number of Supreme Court Justices at an inconvenient eight, any cases with a 4-4 split are bound to the lower courts’ decision. The Court is permitted to continue hearing cases, but most appellees don’t want their cases heard by an even-numbered court – although you can always do what I do: play Fantasy SCOTUS with upcoming cases and predict where the votes will fall. Some cases seem almost guaranteed for an even split; others may be unaffected. The Court may vote to hold over cases that are likely to split 4-4, which is obviously a massive delay in cases that have usually been working their way up the chain for years by the time cert is granted.

8. The Justice is confirmed; America continues.

Supreme Court Justices pledge their careers – literally until death – to upholding the U.S. Constitution and the rule of law as they see it. Death doesn’t discriminate, Between the sinners And the saints It takes and it takes and it takes.
And we keep living anyway – the cases approved for this term must be decided. There is no stop-point with justice. Our founding fathers knew it, and we know it – there is no decision that the Court makes on ANY issue that will be its last one. Jurisprudence evolves as our nation does. Carrying on short an Associate Justice is simply not an option. 

However, there is a long list of qualified nominees, a President with the express power to appoint one, and a Senate full of politicians who we have elected because they have vowed to approve qualified nominees – and at that time, another Justice will don the robe and continue the work.

America, you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me

Playlist Of The Month: Songs By 2016 Grammy Nominees

The 2016 Grammy Awards are tonight – the messy, reckless, unpredictable party of the awards season, where the actual awards take a backseat to the outfits, rivalries, and  performances. It’s bound to be the highlight of our Monday nights this year, especially with the amazing slate of nominees. This playlist contains only songs by 2016 Grammy nominees, so listen to it to evaluate the potential winners and get psyched up for tonight’s awards. Then, tune in tonight to witness the awards first hand!

Listen to the whole Spotify playlist here!

Traci’s Picks

Nominee: Sam Hunt (Best New Artist, Best Country Album)
Song: Take Your Time

Y’all. If you are not acquainted with Sam Hunt yet – GET ON IT NOW. He’s a former college football player-turned-singer/songwriter-turned solo country singing superstar. He’s got so much working for him – he’s got a great voice, he can talk/rap (?) and make it sound cool, his songs are on fiiiire, and he is the most attractive crooning angel in country music. This song is baby makin’ music right here. If you want more, listen to the entire Montevallo album. Speakers. That’s all I’m saying.

Nominee: Disclosure (Best Dance/Electronic Album)
Song: Magnets ft. Lorde

The second I heart Latch by Disclosure & Sam Smith, I was hooked. Their Caracal album is an EDM/pop dream. In Magnets, Lorde brings her seductive/creepy tone to a dope beat that you can’t stop listening to.

Nominee: Kendrick Lamar (Album of the Year, Song of the Year, Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Dance Recording, Best Rap Performance, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, Best Rap Song, Best Rap Album, Best Music Video)
Song: Alright

Kendrick has the most Grammy nominations this year with 11, so chances are he’s going to walk away with one. Or two. Or almost all of them. Kendrick has a way of bringing life into every single song he records, whether it be through the inspiring and moving lyrics or multi-genre-infused instrumentals that prove he’s a true artist. With Alright, this has become not just a song but an anthem for millions, and that is the mark of a music icon.

Nominee: Florence + The Machine (Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Rock Performance, Best Rock Song, Best Recording Package)
Song: Hiding

Florence made us wait four long years before releasing a new album, and it was well worth it. How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful has more of an ethereal vibe to it than her previous records, but I’m not complaining. Hiding is actually a bonus track that happens to be one of my favorite tracks so here it is.

Nominee: Miguel (Best R&B Song, Best Urban Contemporary Album)
Song: coffee

Nothing can top Miguel’s Grammy-winning song Adorn – in fact, topping his amazing 2012 album Kaleidoscope Dream is hard too, but coffee is a strong follow up. It channels the same feels from Adorn, but with a little more flair, and I’m so here for it.

Bonus:

Amy Poehler – Yes Please (the audiobook) because SHE’S GRAMMY NOMINEE, AMY POEHLER. I’ve only read the book and not listened to it, but based on this small clip, I want to give her all the Grammys. And because we’re still obsessed with Hamilton and excited about their performance at the show, I’ll also plug one of the many favorites off the album, Non-Stop. I mean that ending, tho.

Molly’s Picks

Nominee:  Hamilton (Best Musical Theatre Album)
Song: Wait For It

There’s no real best or worst tracks from the Hamilton cast recording, because it’s all very, very good. However, Helpless and Wait For It are the two songs that I think stand best on their own – if you aren’t familiar with the musical, don’t like musicals, or are just going to listen to one track instead of taking the whole two-act journey. Both remind me of the best parts of late-90s R&B.

As I write this I realize that Traci will probably pick a song from Hamilton too, but we’re basically a Hamilton blog now so I think that’s appropriate.

Nominee: Alabama Shakes ( Album Of The Year, Best Alternative Music Album, Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical,  Grammy Award for Producer of the Year, Non-Classical )
Song: Don’t Wanna Fight

Here’s a moment you realize you’re getting older: an artist appears on Saturday Night Live and you’ve never heard any of their songs. That was me with Alabama Shakes in 2015. I love the old-school Southern rock and bluesy vocals, mixed with a modern synth sound. Not ALL of their songs are exactly my cup of tea, but you can’t deny that they deserve their place with the other nominees.

Nominee: Taylor Swift
Song: I Wish You Would

I’m probably supposed to be embarrassed about this, but I sort of like Taylor Swift.  I don’t think her live performances are amazing, but she has a better grasp of how to write a really great pop song than most artists out there – in fact, she was under contract as just a songwriter as a teen. New!Taylor also knows who to partner with: I always thought I Wish You Would had sort of a Haim vibe, but it was actually produced with Jack Antonoff (fun) which works, too.

Nominee: James Bay (Best New Artist, Best Rock Album, Best Rock Song)
Song: Hold Back The River

I think James Bay is really excellent and is sort of this year’s Hozier, not that Hozier is going anywhere. I hope he sticks around for a good while and I really think he will. I have copied and pasted three different songs into this list so you really can’t go wrong with the entire album.

Nominee: Kacey Musgraves (Best Country Album)
Song: Biscuits

Kacey Musgraves is the future of country, and I like it. In a lot of ways she’s a throwback to the sassy, non-P.C. country of Loretta Lynn. Heck, one of Kacey’s early songs includes the lyric “my idea of heaven is to burn one with John Prine.” Other than the release of her album, one of Musgraves’ biggest moments in 2015 was performing Follow Your Arrow at an NPR Tiny Desk Concert the day the marriage equality decision came down. I don’t think Pageant Material got as much radio play as it maybe should have on country stations, but it didn’t go overlooked at the Grammys.

Meme-ntine’s Day

It’s Anna Howard Shaw Day Single’s Awareness Day Valentine’s Day this Sunday, which means a few things:

  • Single folks are ignoring the holiday by drowning in alcohol
  • Those with significant others are forced to talk to each other at some kind of romantic outing
  • Kids are handing out paper valentines and candy to brown paper bags taped to desks at school

But what happens when single and taken adults want to hand out paper valentines to their friends IRL? They create memes that look like old school valentines using their favorite fictional characters and comic sans and post it on the World Wide Web. This time of year is one of my favorites to monitor on the Internet to see what kind of kooky things people come up with. Here are some of the best fandom valentines from the Internet’s virtual brown paper bag. Consider it our gift to you.

Valentines-leo

after years circulating online, maybe this will be the year this card becomes irrelevant.

just because bill nye was part of your childhood doesn’t mean he doesn’t have sex. or is a badass.

paula’s cutting down with the unsalted butter

history isn't the only thing that has its eyes on you, AMIRITE

history isn’t the only thing that has its eyes on you, AMIRITE

whatever you say, groffsauce

whatever you say, groffsauce

not willing to wait for it

not willing to wait for it

jokes aside I MISS JIM HALPERT

CLASSIC MATTHEWS

roflcopter

the life of pablo album cover v. 3

who doesn’t love a good lisp joke?

memes collide

a truly heartwarming sentiment, tbh

get in the cage

michelle's a lucky girl

michelle’s a lucky girl

It’s the 90s: Let’s All Decorate For Valentine’s Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day season, I guess!  Valentine’s Day falls into one of my favorite holiday subcategories: a Snack Holiday. A Snack Holiday is almost a normal day, except there are themed snack foods. Snack Holidays don’t require gift exchanges or elaborate meals, which are entirely optional. Other Snack Holidays include Halloween, Fat Tuesday, St. Patrick’s Day, and maybe Lincoln’s Birthday if you swing it right. Snack Holidays are closely related to, and sometimes overlap with, drinking holidays: Mardis Gras (Fat Tuesday + booze), Independence Day, St. Patrick’s Day. I love them all!

You may be thinking that Valentine’s Day is NOT a Snack Holiday because presents and fancy meals are obligatory. However, except for a few couples I know, most people leave these big celebrations behind in their early twenties. You wouldn’t think so, but it’s actually pretty great being single on Valentine’s Day in your late 20s. Most of your friends who are dating, engaged, or married have been together so long that they aren’t into big, amateurish displays of affection. Most of them are spending the holiday ordering a pizza and seeing if there’s anything good on Netflix. Yes, except for a brief interlude from the ages of, say, 15 to 25, V-Day is a Snack Holiday we can all enjoy.

For those of us who grew up in the 90s, our concept of Valentine’s Day as a Snack Holiday was established in our classroom parties. So in this holiday edition of Let’s All Decorate, let’s take it back and decorate that classroom, why don’t we?

Beanie Babies

In the height of the Beanie Baby craze, there’s a good chance your teacher displayed seasonal Beanies on her crowded desk, probably next to the cold cup of teacher’s lounge coffee. It was one of the few attempts at teacher coolness that actually sort of worked, except that you gave her a bit of side-eye for displaying a “rare” holiday Beanie Baby on her desk without a tag protector or clear plastic coffin.

Shoebox Mailboxes

I’m going to go ahead and call this the most highly-anticipated busywork of the year. Sometime before your Valentine party, the teacher would bust out a stash of shoeboxes she had saved from every pair of sneakers, loafers and boots that she, her husband, and her children had bought for the past year. “Wasn’t it nice of her to save those JUST FOR YOU?”…  Is a thought that never occurred to me as a child because children are selfish little dirtbags. You would cover the shoebox in plain paper, then decorate with stickers, crayons, and if your teacher was exceptionally chill about classroom mess, some glitter.

The mailboxes served a triple purpose of keeping the Valentines neater than they’d have been in a pile on your desk, concealing who received which Valentine (although you had to give one to every kid, so whatever), and filling up a solid half hour of post-lunch time on a day when kids are bouncing off the walls.

Note: if your teacher’s children didn’t go through as many shoes that year, you may have decorated manila envelopes that you taped off the edge of your desk, instead.

A Bulletin Board Or Door Display Where Every Kid’s Name Appears On A Heart

Sounds really specific, right? But these were actually universal as chicken pox (Stuff 90s Kids Remember: Chicken Pox). Things have gone more high-tech now, but back in the day teachers used to spend a ton of time cutting out construction paper shapes and writing all of the kids’ names on them. How do I know? My mom was a teacher in my school… and she outsourced a lot of it to me. I stapled a whole lot of solid construction paper backgrounds and bulletin board borders in my youth.

For teachers’ sake, I shudder to think what the Pinterest Industrial Complex has done to V-Day bulletin boards.

For a true 90s experience, names should be: Justin, Ashley L., Ashley B., Matthew, Jessica, Sarah, Dave, Katie, Chris, Kristin, and Kevin.

An Art Project Where Things Are Made Out Of Hearts

A tree made out of hearts, a bee made out of hearts; a dog made out of hearts, a frog made out of hearts; a wiggly heart-shaped creature made out of hearts. The heart is a versatile shape, and nobody knew that quite like the elementary school teachers of the 90s. There was probably a wall somewhere during that party that was decorated with the childrens’ heart-shaped crafts. Gotta develop those fine motor skills!

Tissue Paper Suncatchers

Yet another example of letting the kids decorate for their own darn party, if it was Valentine’s Day, and it was 1993, and you were 7, there’s an excellent possibility that these were hanging in your window filtering those February afternoon sunbeams.

TREATS TREATS TREATS TREATS

The above “treats” should be read like the thumping bass of EDM music, because when we were children, Valentine’s Day treats were our molly (although I’ve always really been my own Molly). Favorite V-Day treats in the 90s included, but were not limited to:

  • Rice Krispy Treats with heart-shaped sprinkles in them – OR cut into the shape of hearts if the mom making them didn’t’ mind waste.
  • Jell-o Jigglers shaped like hearts, because Bill Cosby meant something different to us then.
  • Heart-shaped Little Debbie “snack cakes” which were the same as the Christmas-tree shaped ones you had two months before, except that I always suspected that the heart ones were a tad bigger.
  • Sticky, gummy heart-shaped brownies, also from your friends at Little Debbie, courtesy of a kid whose parents didn’t have time to make anything.
  • Punch made with fruit juice, Sprite, and sherbet, especially if the party was right at the end of the day and the teacher wouldn’t have to deal with you much longer.
  • Candy Hearts. Obviously.
Valentines!

 

 

This is where you let your interests fly – and Kid Code required that you act cool about what the other kids handed out, not making fun of the kid who picked a movie nobody had liked for two years. A few favorites:

Things We Need to Revisit From Super Bowl 50

Last night, millions of Americans tuned in to watch Beyonce take over the field the Denver Broncos beat the Carolina Panthers. The Super Bowl is the U.S.’s most unofficial national holiday, but to me, it’s a free concert surrounded by some football riff raff. But, since I’m not a quitter, and have a bit of FOMO, I still “watched” the game from the comfort of my work office. There were definitely some highlights and lowlights of the Super Bowl, so it’s only fitting that we do a post-mortem on it and revisit a few things that need to have our attention again. And it’s worth noting that surprisingly, a majority of these things have absolutely nothing to do with football.

Tom Brady Lit’rally Missing the Mark

Because it’s the 50th Super Bowl, the NFL had to be all nostalgic and whatnot, so before the game, they had a ceremony honoring the 43 game MVPs of the past. Among them was New England Patriots QB and polarizing athlete Tom Brady. Deflategate and all. First of all, each MVP had to come out, stand on the yellow dot on the field, wave to the crowd then join the others on the side. Tom lit’rally missed the mark and just walked out and waved then joined the MVPs. To make things worse, he got booed by the crowd of Broncos and Panthers fans. I have a lot of friends from New England, so I’m not going to comment (I also have no opinion, really) but I mean, yikes.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose

Hey, remember when Scott Porter (Jason Street) posted this FNL reunion pic from one of his football parties and everyone freaked out? I feel like we also need to freak out about this picture of Street and Lance/Landry from yesterday’s game. Dear people who run next year’s Super Bowl (NFL, I guess? lol), stage a FNL reunion at the game and you’ll get a lot of publicity. I mean, not like the Super Bowl needs it, but still.

SLAYDAY GAGA

Believe it or not, there are still people who aren’t aware that Stefani Germanotta is actually a really great, trained singer and not just a woman who wears a meat dress to the VMAs. So for those expecting her to look ridiculous and make a spectacle of the National Anthem were shit out of luck because Gaga showed off her impressive vocal talents and didn’t go over the top with her runs. It was pretty much perfect, so just watch the entire performance again.

Is This Not Grease 2: Live

This fellow’s name is Jonathan Stewart and when he scored a touchdown for the Panthers, his dance involved the hand jive. For those of us who were tweeting #GreaseLive all of a week ago, we had hope Aaron Tveit and Vanessa Hudgens would suddenly appear at the Super Bowl.

That Independence Day Trailer

The trailer for the Independence Day sequel aired during the Super Bowl, and props to the marketing team for this one – the first shot is an aerial shot of a crowded football stadium and someone is singing the National Anthem (a female pop star?) in the background. Then havoc ensues. Too real. I got chills.

Stealth The Wire Reunion

No, Idris Elba wasn’t involved, unfortunately. This Wire mini-reunion is from S2, the dockworkers played by Pablo Schreiber and Chris Bauer, who use a Prius as a getaway car after robbing a bank. So, like, the same thing as The Wire.

Salty Brother

I’m not a football aficionado or anything, but here’s the situation as I know it. Peyton Manning, QB for the Broncos played in the Super Bowl for what could be his last game before retiring. His younger brother, Giants QB Eli Manning was not playing in the Super Bowl, but watching from a box with his family. They cut to the Manning family after Peyton made some kind of successful play, and Eli didn’t look thrilled. Personally, I think he just looks stressed on behalf of his brother, but others are thinking he’s hating his life and jealous of his bro. Whatever you want to believe.

Super Bowl Babies

Just, no. I don’t like this. Is it even a thing? Or did the NFL just make it up? But they got people to talk about it, so mission accomplished.

Live Your Best Life

This guy doesn’t know who Coldplay is, doesn’t know who Mark Ronson is, doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is. Vaguely familiar with Beyonce because she’s been on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Beyonce and Friends

Here’s one thing I know about the Chris Martin and Coldplay – they must be REALLY REALLY nice, kind-hearted people to invite Beyonce on stage to make an appearance at their headlining half-time show at the Super Bowl, because the moment she walks on stage, it’s the Beyonce and Friends show.

Bow Down Bitches

Beyonce. Shuttin’ it down. Getting the fuck back up again. All day. Every day. Watching on loop.

Confused Cookie

Oh Taraji. She was just living her life, enjoying the Super Bowl as one does, and accidentally thought Coldplay was Maroon 5. It’s fine. She realized her mistake and deleted the tweet. We all make mistakes. all white people look alike anyways.

Gotta Get That Free Pizza Tho

I don’t know enough about this friendship, but why is Papa John of Papa John’s one of the only people Peyton reaches out to hug right after winning the Super Bowl? I’m as confused as Taraji.

 

Wiki-Wiki-Whattt? : OJ Simpson Key Player Facts I Learned Online

Show of hands for everyone who watched The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story on Tuesday night?? Great. Most of you. You’re not alone. 5.1 million viewers also watched the premiere of the latest true crime addiction, and guys, it’s worth it. People from their late 20s up probably remember the OJ Simpson case clearly, since it was covered by the media in excess from 1994 to 1995. As for me, I don’t necessarily remember being glued to the trial since I was nine years old, but I do remember my 4th grade social studies teacher Ms. Reinhardt bringing in one of those TVs on a large rolling cart on October 3rd, 1995, the day the verdict came out. I remember her saying something akin to, “This is an important moment in U.S. history, we’re going to watch this.” And we did. And she was right. 20 years later, America is still compelled to the story, and it’s just as intriguing as ever.

But seeing as how we were kids when this first came into the public eye, I didn’t exactly understand or know all the facts. I also didn’t care enough to do more research on the people with Encarta. But now that the Internet exists, specifically Wikipedia, finding facts about this case and the folks in it is as easy as pie. While I was watching Tuesday’s episode, I was switching between Wiki and IMDb needing more info. Here are some surprising facts about the key players in the OJ Simpson trial that I found out thanks to my extensive Internet research. What a time to be alive.

Robert Shapiro

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer

Played by: John Travolta

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Is the co-founder of ShoeDazzle.com, an online fashion subscription service that you probably know from annoying pop-ups on your Internet journey. He is also the voice of, and pictured in, the TV commercials for LegalZoom, the online legal technology company he co-founded in 2001.

Johnnie Cochran

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer

Played by: Courtney B. Vance

Wiki-Wiki-What?: A month after his victory with OJ, Johnnie scored another big legal win with another high-profile client – Tupac Shakur. In early 1995, Tupac had been sentenced to 1 1/2 to 4 1/2 years at New York’s Riker’s Island prison stemming from a 1993 sexual assault case. Thanks to Johnnie’s help, Tupac was released after Death Row Records execs put up some of the $1.4 million bail. Tupac would be killed a year later.

Robert Kardashian

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer/ BFF

Played by: David Schwimmer

Wiki-Wiki-What?: He definitely doesn’t have any famous family members LOLOL Ok but frreal,in 1973, Robert co-founded a trade publication called Radio & Records that provided news and airplay information for the radio and music industries. It was used as a ref for a number of countdown shows throughout the years, including Casey Kasem’s American Top 40, Solid Gold, and Rick Dees Weekly Top 40. It was relaunched as a sister trade to Billboard and had its final issue in 2009.

F. Lee Bailey

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer

Played by: Nathan Lane

Wiki-Wiki-What?: He served as the defense lawyer for Patty Hearst in 1976, when the 19-year-old newspaper heiress was on trial for committing armed bank robberies under the control of the Symbionese Liberation Army (cray revolutionary/terrorist group). They kidnapped her, sexually assaulted and brainwashed her, hence the robberies.  Bailey failed to win the case, and Patty was sentenced to seven years in prison. Almost two years later, President Carter commuted her sentence and in 2001 she was pardoned by Bill Clinton.

Nicole Brown Simpson

Role in Case: Victim

Played by: Kelly Dowdle

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Nicole first met OJ when she was 18 and working as a waitress at upscale Beverly Hills/Rodeo Drive nightclub Daisy. He was still married to his first wife Marguerite when they started dating and he subsequently divorce Marguerite two years after meeting Nicole.

Ron Goldman

Role in Case: Victim

Played by:  Jake Koeppl

Wiki-Wiki-What?: He occassionally worked as a nightclub promoter throughout Los Angeles, and also worked as a waiter and had aspirations to be an actor. In 1992, he appeared as a contestant on the short-lived game show Studs (this clip is fabulously 90s), which was basically a dating show with hot guys (Jon Hamm and Chris Hardwick were also contestants on said show).

Marcia Clark

Role in Case: Lead prosecutor

Played by: (The amazing) Sarah Paulson

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Marcia played District Attorney Sidney Barnes in a 2013 episode of Pretty Little Liars called Now You See Me, Now You Don’t. She gives the good news to Hanna’s mom that the murder charge against her (for killing Detective Wilden) were dropped after the real killer was identified. I watch PLL and I don’t remember this. Apparently Marcia’s a big PLL fan.

Christopher Darden

Role in Case: Deputy DA, Marcia Clark’s co-counsel

Played by: Sterling K. Brown

Wiki-Wiki-What?: In 1997, Christopher married Marcia Carter, who was the vice president and corporate controller of Rysher Entertainment, a TV and movie production and distribution company. You might be familiar with the company if you stayed through the end title credits of shows like Saved by the Bell, Star Search or Sex and the City.

Judge Lance Ito

Role in Case: Judge in the trial

Played by: Kenneth Choi

Wiki-Wiki-What?: After apparently meeting on the v romantic setting of an Eagle Rock, California murder scene, he married Margaret Ann York, the first woman to attain the rank of Deputy Chief in the LAPD, making her the highest-ranking woman officer in that department when she retired in 2002.

Paula Barbieri

Role in Case: OJ’s girlfriend at the time of the murders

Played by: Angie Patterson

Wiki-Wiki-What?: OJ and Nicole divorced in 1992, and he had been dating the model/actress for a while until the morning of the murders, she allegedly left OK a 30-minute long message on his answering machine to break up with him. She said in the voicemail that she was flying to Las Vegas to be with Michael Bolton – yes that Michael Bolton. They had met on the set of his 1994 music video for the song Completely, and apparently fell in love? Well doesn’t matter because she stuck by OJ’s side for a while until she couldn’t take the pressure of the murder trial anymore.

Kato Kaelin

Role in Case: Witness/friend of OJ and Nicole/lived in OJ’s guest house at the time of the murders

Played by: Billy Magnussen

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Following the trial, he made a number of appearances, including the very first episode of MADtv, and Mr. Show with Bob and David. He was also randomly BFFs with SNL alum Norm Macdonald.

 

Made in ’86

I usually don’t like announcing this, but today is my birthday. I have officially existed on this earth for 30 years. Hold your applause. 30 is supposed to be a milestone birthday – and it is – however I don’t really feel any different than I did yesterday (do we ever feel different when we celebrate a birthday?). It’s like prom – you build it up in your head for years, then you get there and realize it’s just another lame school dance. Do I feel young? Yes. Do I feel old? Yes. I feel all the things, y’all. But I want to share this day with you, our precious, noble, land mermaid readers, who should be able to feel all the feels I’m feeling and feel them deep in your soul. What am I even saying IDK I’m senile now.

Here are some things you may or may not realize are sharing the same milestone with me (and Molly) this year. So get in your Urkel time machine and travel back to 1986 with me, won’t you?

Pixar Animation Studios open

Pixar’s been making you laugh and cry simultaneously for years, but it officially started in ’86, when the Graphics Group, part of the computer division of George Lucas’ Lucasfilm, parted ways and became its own corporation with Apple. 20 years later, Disney bought it for about $7.4 billion. BILLION. Pixar’s first short film was Luxo Jr., which features one large and one small desk lamp, which might look familiar to you because they’re now Pixar’s logo. Luxo Jr. even became the first CGI film to be nominated for an Oscar, and is still better than a lot of movies I’ve seen in the past few years *ahem*Focus*ahem*

Geraldo Rivera Gets Mooneshine’d

I don’t really know why I thought this, but up until just before typing this sentence, I totally thought in my head Geraldo opened Al Capone’s tomb. All these years, I thought he went to his underground grave (?) and discovered nothing? Well opening Al Capone’s Secret Vault makes SO much more sense than opening Al Capone’s Grave. Anyways, Geraldo hosted this two-hour live TV special that got a lot of hype before it aired. Geraldo was expecting a treasure trove of items, and maybe even bodies (seriously, there was a medical examiner there) or piles of money. However, when he got into the secret vaults, the only things inside were dirt and several empty bottles – including one with moonshine (which makes sense, since he was a total rebel during the Prohibition Era). Even with the epic fail, it became one of the most-watched syndicated TV specials in history with about 30 million viewers tuning in to see an empty vault.

L. Ron Hubbard Succumbs To Lava

Note: L. Ron Hubbard didn’t actually die in lava, he had a stroke and died a week later. LRH had a whole shitload of health problems towards the end of his life, including weight gain, chain smoking (his teeth were disgusting), a “prominent growth on his forehead”, and suffered chronic pancreatitis. Actually, he was struggs real hard starting in the 1970s, when he faced a bunch of legal trouble, including in France, where he and the French Church of Scientology were convicted (in absentia) of fraud and customs violations. He went into hiding, living in disguise in New York then on his Sea Org fleet, and spent the last two years of his life in a luxury motorhome on a ranch in California. If you have time, just do more research on his life. It’s facsinating. He also had a son who committed suicide??

Tom Cruise Debuts Top Gun

Unrelated from Scientology, Top Gun was the top grossing movie of 1986, making over $353 million in the box office. It also marked Tom Cruise’s mark as a superstar in Hollywood with a blockbuster movie. I saw this for the first time last year and I totally got why he became such a huge heartthrob and bonafide movie star with Top Gun. Despite how kuckoo banana pants he may be now, this movie is prove that he deserves to be a star.

Disney Channel Kicks Off

It’s weird to think about now, but there was a time when TV networks just stopped progamming in the middle of the night because no one watched it, thus they saved money this way. The Disney Channel started as a premium cable network (like HBO, Showtime, etc.) in 1983, and in 1986, it went from having daily programming from 7am to 1am to 24 hours a day. That means more Disney movies, DCOMs, OG shows like Kids Incorporated and The All-New Mickey Mouse Club (yes, that MMC with Brit, JT, Ryan, Xtina, and more). I didn’t get DChan in my house until I was in middle school, which explains why I retroactively liked “kids” shows as a 13 year old.

Oprah Winfrey Begins Her World Domination

Oprah’s talk show roots started with a morning show in Chicago, and it became a hit within the first month. Oprah herself became popular thanks to her role in The Color Purple, so the network decided to take advantage of that and onSeptember 8th, 1986, her The Oprah Winfrey Show went national for the first time. That was the start of what became The Oprah Winfrey Show that went on to become bible for the next 25 years. Fun fact: the topic for Oprah’s premiere should was “How to Marry the Man or Woman of Your Choice”, notably much more different than the topics in her later years.

First 3D Printer is Built

TBH, I didn’t realize the 3D printer wasn’t a thing that was invented like 5 years ago. But what do I know, this dude clearly has had it down since ’86, and has been making plastic hubcaps ever since.

Hands Across America

So Hands Across America is still… interesting to think about. It was a fundraiser for charities serving those in poverty in the U.S. The idea was for as many Americans to hold hands and create a human chain along a path across the country. There were certain cities along the route, from New York City all the way to Long Beach, California, and some notable names at each stop. I mean from President Ronald Reagan to Michael Jackson to John Stamos to David Copperfield, plus 50 Abraham Lincoln impersonators, 54 Elvis impersonators, 2 Disney characters and 3 Star Wars characters. Like, what?? AND they held hands for 15 minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES. I had trouble holding hands with people in church during the Lord’s Prayer and that lasts about 30 seconds. Do you even talk? What do you do after? Give a slight squeeze then call it a day? So many questions. Either way, the event raised $34 million for charity, and that’s all that matters right?

The Pros and Cons of BroadwayCon

If you’re a true theatre nerd, you know that over the weekend, hundreds of Broadway geeks converged at the Hilton Midtown Hotel for the first ever BroadwayCon – which is exactly what it sounds like. Like other fan-centered conventions, this one gathers fans with actors, creators, and behind-the-scenes folk who make Broadway Broadway. Co-founded by Anthony Rapp, of Rent fame, BroadwayCon featured panels from past shows such as the Rent 20th anniversary reunion, current shows like Hamilton, Spring Awakening and Fun Home, to future shows like Waitress, Tuck Everlasting and Disaster! The Musical. There were photobooth and autograph sessions, fan meetups, master classes, dance workshops and of course, plenty of singing.

Before we go any further, I’d like to make it clear that I was not actually there. I am merely a spectator from the World Wide Web. I saw rumblings of #BroadwayCon on Twitter a while ago, and just thought it was some small event in NYC, but I was wrong. After tracking it online all weekend, I’ve come to this conclusion about BroadwayCon – it seems like a mix of pure ecstasy but also the worst nightmare all in one. A whole room full of theatre geeks!!!! But also, a whole room full of theatre geeks :\ Again, before the haters start to hate, I wasn’t there, so I obviously am not an expert on this, it’s all from what I’ve seen on social media. So in saying there, here are so of what I can tell were the pros and cons of the inaugural BroadwayCon.

Pro: The only convention with an opening number

I’ve never been to Comic-Con or any huge convention except for the ATX TV Festival, which is more of a medium sized gathering of TV fans than an exhibition hall filled with thousands of people. But none of these cons have a song and dance opening number. So was I surprised to see that BroadwayCon opened with this? No. My reaction was OF COURSE. I mean, is there any other way to kick off a weekend of Broadway than this?

Con: #TryingTooHard

We get it, all of us are Hamilton fans, you don’t have to flaunt the “secret language” around.

Pro: The Room Where It Happens

Like any other HamiltonHead (is there even an official name for Hamilton fans? I’m sure there is. Kids under 21, get at me), this panel with most of the main cast was the most anticipated one at the con. Here are some highlights during the panel:

If you could change roles with anybody in the show, who would it be?

Daveed: Angelica
Lin: Lafayette
Renee: Aaron Burr
Philippa: Hercules Mulligan
Chris: Jonathan Groff, he’s onstage for five minutes!
Groffsauce: Angelica
Oak: Angelica
Leslie: Eliza
Lin: I think we have our next Ham4Ham.

How Leslie was approached to join the show:

“I got an email from Lin about two-and-a-half years ago, I guess. The subject was ‘Octoburrfest,’ a delicious pun.”

Lin is a rap teacher who gives pop quizzes daily

“At 15 minutes to curtain, Miranda can be seen trotting his iPod from dressing room to dressing room with his speakers blaring a beat challenging his castmates to cypher at his request.”

Freestyle Love Surpreme

During the panel, the moderator asked if anyone besides Lin, Chris Jackson and Daveed had ever rapped before, but the closed-captioning typist accidentally transcribed “have you ever raped before”. It was quickly changed, but Lin managed to incorporate it in his impromptu freestyle:

Werk

The panel ended with a singalong of The Schuyler Sisters, with the cast happily watching the fans from the stage. It was their rock star moment.

Pro: Your obscure Broadway cosplay will be appreciated

Theater nerds, especially actors, will take up any chance for dressing up and what better place to show off your Fun Home costume that you wore for Halloween that no one got than BroadwayCon? The cosplay at BroadwayCon obviously appeals to a v niche group of fans, which is kind of why I love it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BA3DITrpBRJ

https://www.instagram.com/p/BA8k3yGrmXw

Pro: And It’s Beginning ToAnd It’s Beginning ToAnd It’s Beginning to Snow

It’s been 20 years since Rent had its debut, and Anthony Rapp gathered as many friends from the OBC and creative team as he could for the “10,514,880 Minutes: How Do You Measure 20 Years of Rent?” panel, including Daphne Rubin Vega (Mimi), Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Angel) and Fredi  Walker-Browne (Joanne). I watched the first bit of this live on Periscope and teared up a bit just thinking about how much of an impact the show has made on me, but all the other RentHeads and the cast and crew themselves. One emotional moment was when Daphne FaceTimed with Jesse L. Martin (Collins) and there was even a mini reunion between him and Wilson :emoji with heart eyes:

Con: The Wrath of Jonas

As you may have heard, or seen out your window, Winter Storm Jonas hit the East Coast hard over the weekend, with all the Broadway shows even canceling their Saturday performances. This led to the actors/guests scheduled to appear at BroadwayCon to also cancel their appearances, which I imagine is a bummer for those looking forward to attending the Hamilton dance workshop or the conversation with Fiddler’s Sheldon Harnick.

Pro: #BlizzardCon

On Saturday, everyone at the con was pretty much snowed in, so it turned into #BlizzardCon. It ended up being a huge blizzard party in the mainstage, complete with random phone calls with Broadway icons. Among the folks who called in but not limited to:

Literally a picture of Patti LuPone in the comfort of her (surprisingly rustic?) palace, while she talks to the hundreds of peasants at BroadwayCon:

https://twitter.com/JoshLJohnston/status/691076975151153152

Pro: Broadway Stars Singing Rando Songs

Unlike a ComicCon where actors show up and screen clips or previews of their upcoming films or TV shows, Broadway stars can actually perform and entertain in front of you. Live! There was a fair share of concerts throughout the weekend, including a “Jukebox” in which fans could vote on which songs the stars could sing, and there was also this mad lib situation in which you get to hear Anthony Rapp sing *a slightly different version* of What You Own.

Con: Fans Singing Rando Songs

Ok, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good singalong. I think it would be especially fun if it was from a Broadway show, something like this:

But then there’s the contingent of people, I imagine at BroadwayCon, who are getting up to sing as if it’s an audition. One of the things i dread at events like these are A) stupid comments/questions from the audience and general second hand embarrassment. If I was at this fan karaoke event, I would be anxious every time someone got on the stage, hoping they’d be good, on key and not hamming it up too much. Too stressful. This girl sounds pretty good though!

https://twitter.com/klo143/status/691057581998133250

Con: Like Sutton Foster, BroadwayCon is Younger

Based on what I’ve seen, in looks like the demographic for BroadwayCon are teens in high school and musical theatre majors in college. These are the folks who are excited about seeing the people they’ve been listening to on repeat, seen from the rear mezz, met briefly at the Broadway Flea Market and made fan art for on Tumblr. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this, because I was like this as a teen, but as an almost 30 year old, I just can’t. The idea of being around that much energy 24/7 seems exhausting, and I’d just feel out of place. Recapping on my blog from the comfort of my bed 3,000 miles away is just fine by me.

Pro: There’s A Place For Us

In saying that, I think that BroadwayCon itself has been an event a long time coming. I always thought that being a theatre kid meant not being popular or not in the zeitgeist. I certainly didn’t feel like a cool kid at the theatre table during lunch in high school. But when I found out Comic Con was a huge thing for comic book nerds, I saw a whole bunch of different people gather for something I wasn’t particularly interested in, but acknowledged that something portrayed as geeky kind of seemed cool. Now, seeing photos and videos of #BroadwayCon make me think it’s so crazy that people are just as (probably much more) insane about Broadway than I am. These are the nerds who I sat with in the cafeteria. And those teens and MTs need something like this event, where you can connect, learn, and grow a deeper passion for Broadway and the arts in general. So keep up the great work, I can’t wait til next year – I’ll be here trolling the Internet like an old lady.

No One Man Should Have All That Power(ball)

Powerball fever has swept the nation, due to the fact that for the first time ever, the jackpot has reached $1.5 billion, the highest ever it’s been in North America. People are spending thousands of dollars in hopes of winning the millions you’d be left with when the taxman comes to take your new fortune.

But let’s be real here folks. You’re not going to win the Powerball. You, person reading this blog on the Internet, will mostly likely not be the Lottery Superwinner of 2016. The odds are literally slim, since it’s currently 1 in 292 million. That is such a minuscule number. To put it in perspective, the odds of a terrorist incident on a plane are 1 per 16.6 million departures. That wasn’t an uplifting stat, but you get the point.

Now, I’ve never been much of a gambler. I’m fairly stingy when it comes to stuff like this, like why would I spend money without getting anything in return? I’m the worst in Vegas. I spend max $10 on penny slots and legit one time had to ask a casino deal how to play roulette (I ended up winning about $50 on the first spin and after a second one, I cashed the fuck out). But I totally bought into the FOMO of Powerball last week and put $20 of my hard-earned Christmas gift money to Powerball and Mega Millions. I did not win anything.

However, there is someone that will eventually win this huge prize, and I have a few suggestions for them once they get the cold hard cash and become the most enviable person in America overnight.

Make It Rain (Then Immediately Clean It Up)

Straight Up Pimp It

GG Revival 24/7

i am kirk on the GG set

Temporarily quit my job to become a “roadie” for the upcoming Gilmore Girls reunion (breaking news: it’s really happening. Filming starts next month, so I better get on this). I will give Amy Sherman-Palladino money to be an actual townie in Stars Hollow and live in the gazebo.

Buyout

Somehow buyout this douchenugget Martin Shkreli’s $45 million fortune and if he manages to stay out of jail, put him in a huge empty ass mansion in a remote area of Wyoming, and secure his precious copy of Wu-Tang’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin in a glass case that’s impossible to get into. If he does open it, there will be no way to play it.

Take a Ride in Shondaland

Pay your way into Shonda Rhimes’ inner circle and find out what happens on TGIT nights months ahead of the peasants watching at home.

Win a Friendship Auction

Finally bid a winning amount on one of those friendship auctions with Tina and Amy. The going rate was $72,000 so that’s chump change if I’m a Powerball millionaire.

Coffee, stat

Start my own personal delivery service that only caters to me. And maybe my friends.

Go HAM

Buy the best seat in the house for Hamilton, pay with all $10 bills because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Fan Club President

i was actually a member of the bsb fc for like 2 years. like, recently. it’s fine.

Pay to be a fan club member for a bunch of artists I like so I can get first dibs on great seats. Purchase said great seats because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Bring Happy Endings Back

BECAUSE MONEY IS NO OBJECT

 

Best ___ Of 2015: Some Really Specific Superlatives

2015 is over, and so is vacation. For a lot of us, this is the first day back at work for a week or two, and I, for one, am not ready. How not ready? I’m just going to bury my head in the sands of time and think about 2015 for a few more minutes. By now all of the year’s Best Of lists are out – best movie, best new television show, and so on. However, I think a few categories were left off the lists. From best Ham4Ham performance to best original song by a fictional artist, there’s a lot more of 2015 left to enjoy*.

*There isn’t, though. It’s over. Better get back to work after this. Yuck.

Best Ham4Ham performance of 2015: Love For The Techies Day

We aren’t going to talk about the best musical of 2015 – there’s no need, because I think we all agree here (#WeAreAHamiltonBlogNow). So how about the best performance from Ham 4 Ham, the Hamilton lottery? There are a lot of excellent contenders and you could make a solid argument for a handful of them, but I’m going with one of the more unorthodox performances: Love for the Techies Day. The whole company performed the Ten Duel Commandments, but it wasn’t just amazing because the entire cast was there. The stage manager called out all of the cues, and when you realize that he does that for the entire show, every day, you’ll be blown away.

Best dance craze of 2015: Whip & Nae Nae

… and NOT because it’s a good dance, but because it has followed the classic Dance Craze trajectory. It is easy enough that anybody can execute it, though maybe not well. It started as a reasonably “cool” thing to do, then trickled down to the elementary school set. From there, it has traveled way up the age bracket, and there’s a good chance that your mom or aunt has learned it at a wedding (possibly from a child). In a lot of ways, the nae nae is like the Macarena of 2015. Complete with annoying song that we’re all sick of.

Best viral video with a puppy in it: Drunk Girls Get Surprised With Puppies

This was not an easy choice, and I am fully open to more puppy video suggestions because I can’t get enough. I am particularly partial to puppies making friends with other species. But this one basically summed up my internal monologue when I see a puppy, so I’m going with it. Also my favorite puppy/horse video is from 2014, anyway.

Best viral video with a kitten in it: Meet Koko’s New Kittens

Koko always wanted a baby, but she got kittens instead. Apparently when a human does that it’s “sad” (whatever) but it sure is adorable when a gorilla did it. The gorilla is so gentle I want to cry.

Best new Netflix series – comedy: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The magic starts with the theme song and just keeps going. Master of None is a close second, but I’m not considering it a full-out *comedy* (we’ll explain).

Best new Netflix series – drama: Jessica Jones

I don’t know if this makes my opinion more or less valid (probably less?) but I’ve never seen a superhero show before. What I like is that it’s plot- and character- driven (and I realize that most superhero dramas are…) and there aren’t too many action sequences unless they actually move the story forward. Gratuitous action sequences are just something that tends to make me lose interest and avoid the genre. As a character study alone, I’m pleasantly surprised by how good this show is. [Full disclosure: real life got a little too real and I haven’t seen the last 3 episodes yet but I heard they’re excellent.]

Best new Netflix series – documentary: Making a Murderer

This isn’t the last you’ll hear from us about Making a Murderer, so I won’t say too much now. We both love how this filled the Serial-shaped hole in our lives (the new season of Serial is still good, but different).

Honorable mention for best documentary: Master of None, because I know it’s a comedy but it was also the REALEST thing I’ve seen in a while.

Best 90s television reunion: Saved By The Bell on Jimmy Fallon

This was 100% more Bayside-like than that weird school in the Lifetime movie about Saved By The Bell. I wonder at what point Mark Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez will stop looking exactly like 1993-era  Zach Morris and A.C. Slater given the right hair and wardrobe.

Best 2000s television reunion: Gilmore Girls 

And not just because we were there.  It’s not often that the entire cast of a show will reunite like that, and it’s even better now that we know that the series will be getting the sign-off it deserved.

Best original song by a fictional artist: Drip Drop – Hakeem Lyon on Empire

We love original songs by fictional artists so much that we did a whole playlist on the topic, but if we did that today there’s a chance it would just be Drip Drop ten times. Just think, a year ago at this time we had no idea what Empire was going to unleash on all of us.

Best children’s movie for adults: Inside Out

It’s great for kids, too, but something about this one really grabs most adults, plus a lot of the references to things like art and psychology are geared toward the grown-ups, anyway. Fair warning: this is also 2015’s Best Children’s Movie To Cry During, based on an informal survey of … us. We both cried.

Best uncanny resemblance between a  celebrity and a presidential candidate: Larry David/ Bernie Sanders

Many of the best impressions are performed by people who look nothing like the subject they’re impersonating. Still, there’s something so exciting when a politician has a ready-made celebrity doppelgänger (see: Tina Fey and Sarah Palin). It looks like we’ll all be feeling the Bern for at least a while longer, so let’s all hope that Larry David is willing to reprise his spot-on, no-effort impersonation.

Best surprisingly heartwarming pop culture moment: Shia LaBoeuf watches the Even Stevens movie

 

I don’t know how I feel about Shia LaBoeuf, but I DO know how I feel about Even Stevens: that it’s an essential part of my childhood television cannon, and when I say childhood I mean that it aired when I was in high school and was made for 8-year-olds. Shia’s latest performance art piece, #AllMyMovies, involved him… watching all of his movies. Yet when I watch all of Shia LaBoeuf’s movies, it’s not performance art, it’s just a weird Saturday. Anyway, his reactions to Even Stevens were actually precious.