Hey there chums! Welcome to the third part of our Cheers Chats series, where we breakdown 12 of the best episodes over the course of Cheers’ 11 seasons. Today we’re at the home stretch of the first season, and delving into the second part of the two part season one finale. Things are really heating up in the bar, so let’s check in with our current favorite TV Bostonians and see what the haps is as we wrap season one.
(BTW, we’re going by this list from AV Club if you’re wondering what our plan of attack is).
Episode 1.22: Showdown, Part 2
Originally aired: March 31, 1983
Netflix synopsis: Sam’s brother, whom he feels inferior to, shows up at the bar and sweeps Diane off her feet. Sam doesn’t have the guts to admit he wants Diane.
Previously, on Cheers
(Brief synopsis of what happened prior to this episode)
T: Boy oh boy was Part One of the finale great. Sam’s brother Derek is in town (face not seen for some artistic reason I guess?) which Sam is not happy about. Derek ends up hitting on Diane and Sam is totally jealous. At one point, Carla points out that ever since Diane walked into the bar, Sam hasn’t been as much of a ladies man like he used to be, which is also something I noticed over the past few episodes, and I appreciate that it’s been a slow realization of his affinity towards Diane instead of all at once. Anyways, Derek invites Diane to jet off to Martha’s Vineyard with him, but she’s torn because she knows in her heart Sam feels the same way she feels about him, and it results in one of my favorite scenes to date:
Sam: Whatever you and my brother Derek want to do is OK with me. I don’t care.
Diane: Fine.
Sam: (under his breath) Please don’t go.
Diane: What? What did you say?
Sam: I said I have no feelings about this.
Diane: No, after that. You said something. It sounded like ”Please don’t go.”
Sam: Please don’t go? Are you crazy? You gotta get over this egotism of yours. Go, with my blessings. Have a good time, really. (under his breath) Please stay here.
Diane: Wait a minute. What was that? There at the end you said something.
Sam: You’re hallucinating. Get outta here and have a good time. Go on.
Diane: OK, l’m glad you understand.
Sam: (under his breath) If you go, l’ll die.
Diane: What? l heard you say something.
Sam: You’re coming unglued. Please go. Have fun.
Diane: OK, l’ll go. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go freshen up. (under her breath) I’d rather stay with you.
Sam: What? What did you say?
Diane: I didn’t hear anything.
Carla’s My Boo
T: I’m pretty sure this is the first time it’s happened, but in a voiceover, Carla (not Rhea Perlman – Carla the character) recaps what happened in the previous episode. She says: “Last week on Cheers – is Diane about to fall for Sam’s brother? Will Sam’s heart be broken? Will Norm find happiness in his new job? (Norm got fired and hired somewhere else) Will Coach return to coaching in Venezuela? (he got an offer to coach for a baseball team there) Will Carl Yastremski please call Cheers and ask for ‘The Spitfire’?” This whole thing is odd but endearing because Carla says it?
M: It is so weird to hear a “previously on” for Cheers. Especially since I just watched 5 episodes in a row. (BTW, the full previously segment was just reasons Sam and Diane should do it already.)
M: Carla calls Diane Lady Di Job. STOP IT CARLA. Stop it, my boo. You’re too much.
T: Carla’s so so preggo. I researched it and Rhea Pearlman was also so so preggo with her first kid, daughter Lucy, who is also an actress.
M: Several episodes ago, Carla went from zero to very, very pregnant in, like, a minute. But as Carla said in part one of this episode, she always falls for “the wrong man, at the wrong time, in the wrong place, with the wrong birth control device.”
By the way, like Sam, Carla has a sister who “got everything” (read: she’s 5’2. And a beautician.)
Shut Up, Diane
(We just have a feeling we’re going to be saying Shut Up, Diane at our screens KIND OF A LOT.)
T: Diane’s in the bar on her day off and she’s bummed bc Derek is flying off to Paris and she doesn’t know what to do.
M: How about Sam?
M: Sam refers to Diane as Carla’s “skinny coworker,” so I guess we were still going with skinny being an insult in the early ‘80s.
T: “Well, l, Diane Chambers, bred and educated to walk with kings, once offered a full scholarship at the Sorbonne, have become attracted to a six-foot-three-inch bubble-gum card.”
M: WHO WROTE THIS CHARACTER. Also, finally.
T: At one point during her fight with Sam, she goes into his office with a blackboard and scrapes her nails on it and I legit said out loud “OH NO. OH NO NO NO NO NO.”
M: Know who’s got a lot in common with nails on a blackboard? DIANE.
(On the serious, I am somewhat warming to Diane, am v much a Diane/Sam shipper, but just have some problems with how the character is written.)
Little Ditty About Sam & Diane
T: The tension between Sam and Diane that has been building up the entire season explodes in this episode, so a lot of the plot centers around these two maybe lovebirds. Diane ended up going to the Vineyard with Derek and when she comes back a week later, Diane tells Sam that Derek also asked her to go to Paris with him so she’s saying goodbye. His solution to this is to fire her and tells her good riddance. Obviously. Carla is happy about this.
M: As I brought up in our Gilbert Blythe post, if you hate somebody, it’s not because you secretly love him. This is a harmful trope that makes people think someone who antagonizes them does it because they really like them. But in the case of Sam and Diane, sorry, they clearly hate each other because they secretly love each other.
T: But before Diane bids adieu to Sam, she basically attempts to make him jealous (read: secretly get him to stop her from going).
“We’ll be Diane and Derek Malone. We’ll buy a spread somewhere and call it the Double-D. It’ll make a nice brand.”
T: In full disclosure, they are really stretching this out and it’s killing me. Just get together already. However, I will commend them for making the entire scene between Sam and Diane feel like a Sorkin-esque scene or a really good tennis match. It’s such great writing and acting on their part. For example, instead of just going in for the smooch, they’re talking through their first kiss and fighting on how it should happen, which makes so much sense for their characters and potential relationship. In another line, Sam says this whole thing might be a mistake. They’re breaking up and they literally haven’t even started dating.
M: Do not Dawson and Joey this, Cheers. Do NOT. (To be clear, I’m Pacey/Joey all the way, but the way they set up the audience to want Dawson/Joey to happen, then broke them up after a few episodes, was low).
T: The phrases “phoniest fruitcake”, “shut your fat mouth”, and “I always wanted to pop you one (possibly domestic violence inspired?)” are all said during this heated exchange. (Diane also threatens Sam that he’s going to be “walking funny tomorrow”). Finally it happens.
Sam: You disgust me.
Diane: I hate you.
Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?
Diane: More.
*they go in for a kiss. pause. then kiss.*
::Roll credits::
Sam: I’m gonna nibble on your ear.
Diane: Don’t tell me.
M: They have such good chemistry, and they go back and forth like they work in a newspaper office in a 1930s detective movie.
T: I get why it’s one of the most memorable first kisses in TV history. Because of James Burrows tribute last month, Entertainment Weekly did a article about the kiss in a recent issue, and I was v excited to see some behind-the-scenes secrets from a show that was on 33 years ago.
Pour It Up, Pour It Up
(Drinks at the bar)
T: There are two ladies who Carla waits on who can’t make up their damn minds. They legit start with orders of hot tea and sherry, and it goes to white wine then beer then a shot of whiskey then boilermakers (which is apparently a glass of beer AND a shot of whiskey) featuring Wild Turkey and a Budweiser. It’s taxing.
M: Those women are like two Dianes in 20 years.
The Luke Danes of 1980s Boston
(In which we gush over dreamy yet often grumpy bartender Sam Malone)
T: Cold open Sam has his leg up on the counter in such a precarious way it’s distracting.
M: You ever notice how in older shows (70s – 90s) men used to always sit weird ways and act casual about it? See: A.C. Slater, always backwards on his chair.
T: It’s also worth noting that I just noticed you can see the lights at the top of the photo, as seen in the screenshot above. Apparently this is a thing that happens often with shows not made in the past few years (you can see lights, etc. in the Netflix versions of the early seasons of Gilmore Girls) because the show was originally shot in (get ready nerds) an aspect ratio of 4:3, but when transferred to streaming services like Netflix, they use 16:9 – basically means a larger version that was meant to be cropped out when originally aired. Nerd time over.
how it aired on the teevee
M: Sam apologizes to a woman for “shrieking the wrong name.” With God as my witness, that name better have been Diane.
LLOL
(Literal Laugh Loud Loud moments from the episode)
THE ENTIRE BAR AT THE DOOR LISTENING TO SAM AND DIANE FIGHT IN HIS OFFICE. THAT IS TV GOLD
Say It Again, Sam
(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)
Sam: It took my mind off my brother and your skinny co-worker. I don’t even care where they are any more… Where are they? Carla: Well Bobby and Susie saw them at the drive-in sharing a Cherry Coke and fries.
Norm: Those are rich people cheating on taxes. And who has to foot the bill? Honest folks. Like me and you, and all you nice people at the bar that l’ve listed as my dependents.
Coach: “It’s a damn sure bet that if he’s not expressing himself to you, he’s nuts about you… Or he couldn’t care less.”
Cheers Queries
T: Am I the only one who doesn’t care for Coach? I don’t really care for his character. I mean he’s sweet and all, but some/all of the jokes they write for him aren’t that funny.
M: Like when Coach says “crazy, Carla?! Crazy like a doorknob.” What is the joke? I assume it’s just that doorknobs aren’t crazy but I wonder if it was culturally relevant at the time, maybe?
To your point, I sort of feel like Coach is the character they keep around in case they need something poignant to happen to someone. Like, if someone has to get cancer or lose their house, it’ll be Coach.
T: James Burrows won a directing Emmy for this ep but there were a few weird zoom-ins that felt weird to me, did it feel that way to you?
M: There were a lot more times where I watched it and went “oh, Cheers is definitely trying something here.” Even the opening shot of the street outside the bar looked different. But ultimately Sam and Diane are finally doing it and that’s a little ditty I’ll always be about.
T: Speaking of James Burrows, he directed 243 of the 270 episodes of Cheers, including the pilot. One of the reasons why James is such a successful director is because he’s directed a ton of classic sitcoms, including more than 60 pilots of TV shows. And he’s def rolling in the dough because if a director helms a pilot and that pilot gets picked up to series, the director will get royalties on every episodes that airs thereafter, even if they never direct another episode again. For example, he lucked out when he directed only the pilot of The Big Bang Theory, but maybe not so much with the pilot of S#!t My Dad Says.
Barfly Fashion
T: Diane’s pale pink suit seems like a more mature? look for her? Or more upscale librarian? And also is her hair is straighter?
T: Carla’s plaid shirt that reminds me of an azn woman selling fish at an outdoor market in Thailand.
M: You’ll also notice that Carla has started wearing her hair in a ponytail with some barrettes. Barrettes were huge in the ’80s. I feel like either she’s growing it out or can’t perm it during pregnancy.
We’ll never learn. We hear a new single on the radio, declare that it’s really amazing, and maybe even tell all of our friends about it. Within a few months the song is completely overplayed, we can’t stand to listen to it, and we’re frankly embarrassed that we liked it in the first place. But since there are no secrets on the blog, we’re confessing all today: at one time, these tunes were music to our ears. Now, years after they came out, we STILL change the station when we hear the opening chords.
Molly’s Picks
Hey There Delilah by Plain White T’s
Ten years ago this March, both of us were traipsing across Europe on our semester abroad. Meanwhile, my suitemates back home had a replacement roommate (who ended up becoming our friend, so that worked out great)! Anyway, she introduced everyone to this catchy new song that wasn’t even on the radio yet: Hey There Delilah. I even remember someone asking over IM whether I had heard it (hey there, 2006). I had not. Cut to over a year later, the single reached number one and I was very, very sick of it.
Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer
I was in junior high, it was featured on both Dawson’s Creek AND She’s All That, and that’s no excuse. I had a head start on this song thanks to the W.B.’s heavy music marketing, so by the time it was on the radio I was already done. I mean, just kiss someplace normal.
Daughters by John Mayer
To this day, I cannot make it all the way through this song. To this very DAY. But Heavier Things was one of the defining albums of my high school years (lest anyone think I’m at all cool), and there was a time when I’d get very excited every time I heard my favorite fake-sensitive acoustic-rock guy on the radio. That all died with Daughters, as the more (and more… and MORE) I heard it, the more insipid it became.
Sugar We’re Going Down by Fall Out Boy
Because no list of songs that sounded really good before you listened to them 100+ times would be complete without something from the Fall Out Boy/ The Killers / Panic At The Disco / Kings Of Leon neighborhood.
Ho Hey by The Lumineers
“Have you heard of The Lumineers? They only play them on the indie station now but I think they’re going to get really popular!” – This idiot, c. 2012.
Traci’s Picks
Kiss From a Rose by Seal
It was the summer of 1995. I was 9 years old, Michael Keaton was Batman, not Birdman. It was a different time back then. After featuring on the Batman Forever soundtrack, the song basically launched Seal into a global superstar when the song skyrocketed constant radio rotation. It’s a good, haunting song that is perfect for Seal, but it go to the point that I heard it so much on the radio (because in 1995 we didn’t have Spotify or SiriusXM, kids) that I would demand the station be changed from the backseat of my parents’ car. It was like hearing nails on a chalkboard for me.
Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
I, like many others, were introduced to this song via Justin Bieber’s rather brilliant homemade music video with his then-GF Selena and her BFF Ashley Tisdale. I couldn’t resist the catchiness of the song and played it on my own personal rotation constantly. And then it became popular on the radio, people started doing covers of it, and the rest is history. In defense of Carly Rae, this may be the song she’s best known for, but she’s got other great hits too. I.E. her entire album, E MO TION, which is hands down, one of the best pop albums I’ve ever heard. Get on it.
Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye
Remember when this song blew up in 2011? And how no one knew how to pronounce his name if they saw it on paper? And how we don’t know what’s happened to Gotye since?
Torn by Natalie Imbruglia
Like Seal’s Kiss From A Rose, I had an adverse reaction to this after day number 410 of the song being played on repeat in 1997. To Americans, Natalie was a new artist who had a one-hit wonder with Torn and her memorable music video in an apartment that never changed settings. To Australians, she was and still is top actress who happened to have a hit song around the world. Fun fact: Natalie’s version is actually a cover of American alternative rock band Ednaswap, who featured Torn on their 1995 album.
Blurred Lines – Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.
Before all the legal battles and misogyny, this was a good song. In fact, I was fan of Robin’s from his other tracks like Lost Without U and The Sweetest Love, so when he came out with this tune I was excited. Then it went downhill from there.
Welcome to our 2016 Academy Awards fashion roundup! It was a great night for fashion, and a great night for Leonardo DiCaprio, so between those two things we are feeling fantastic today. In fact, everyone looked so wonderful that we had a hard time coming up with some of our worst dressed picks. What a good problem to have!
Best Dressed
Molly’s Picks
Alicia Vikander in Louis Vuitton
Here’s what I love: even if actresses say they never thought they were going to win, nominees at least know it’s a possibility. Thus. the picture of them winning their Oscar will be the iconic image of them throughout their whole career. And in this tea length, absolutely cloud-like embellished gown, I think Alicia realized that. Somewhat polarizing because some people thought it was TOO princess-y, I thought it set the tone for the refined-yet-youthful vibe Alicia has in many of her roles.
Saoirse Ronan in Calvin Klein
This made my best dressed list not just for the dress itself – though the combo of sequins and patterns, plus the simple cut and neckline, is fantastic. I also love the symbolism Saoirse sneaked into there. She specifically wanted green to symbolize Ireland, since it’s not just her country but also the focus of her nominated film. It’s the same color she wore for her first nomination for Atonement – a nice, non-obnoxious way to remind us this isn’t her first Oscar nod. And it sends a clear message that, at 21, Saoirse’s no longer a child actor. Plus her skin looks amazing with that color.
Olivia Munn in Stella McCartney
Between that color, the off-shoulder cape, and the snake bracelet, Olivia perfectly hit that line between a bold look and something a bit more over-the-top. The sleek column silhouette suits her so well!
Olivia Wilde in Valentino
Maybe my favorite gowns are the ones that land on half of the best dressed lists and half of the worst dressed lists: it means they at least aren’t too boring. The tidy ivory micro-pleats are sort of Grecian-meets-angelic, and the back of the dress is so pretty, too (a dress with a nice back is like the Awards show version of “AND it has pockets!”). Maybe I don’t love the choker but maybe I’m also starting to come around to the choker revival.
Naomi Watts in Armani Prive
My favorite part: the violet-blue-pink gradient on the bodice, that is subtle enough that’ it’s not “OMG ombre.” I must be part magpie because I cannot stop looking at all of those sequins. Loving that touch of Old Hollywood with the Bulgari necklace, and the non-overdone – but not overly beachy – hair.
Honorable Mention: Jacob Tremblay in his darling little suit; Brie Larson, who like Alicia Vikander seems to have chosen a dress KNOWING that it was going to be the picture you’ll see of her for the rest of her career.
Traci’s Picks
Charlize Theron in Dior
Frankly, it’s quite annoying how naturally gorgeous Charlize is. She’s the type of person that can make anything look good, and on top of that, she is always so freaking classy. And sexy. This dress looks like it was made just for Charlize’s frame, and perfectly draped on her. The train is not too long and photographs great, and I love the pairing of the long diamond necklace.
Daisy Ridley in Chanel Haute Couture
Daisy Ridley made her debut at the Oscars and it definitely won’t be her last. If you followed her on the Star Wars press tour, you already know she’s been killing it on the red carpet and even giving Lupita a run for her money. This silver embellished gown has so much detail, and all I want to do is look at it up close and look at it in awe. Plus those silver heels are everything.
Margot Robbie in Tom Ford
Margot was a presenter at the show, but she dressed like a literal winner aka human Oscar. And I love it. A sparking gold dress like this is already a statement on its own, so I love that she kept her hair and her makeup toned down. She looks even more gorgeous than usual, since it’s a mix of glamour and casual that works so well together. Plus I’m a big fan of black and gold together, so the black clutch is a good match.
Rooney Mara in Givenchy Haute Couture
There’s something oddly satisfying about a dress that’s symmetrical as this one, especially since it’s incredibly detailed. Like Daisy’s dress, I could pour over this for a while just staring at the design. Rooney’s complexion is always perfect for a dark lip, and the combo with her hair in a high bun is totally working for me.
Lady Gaga in Brandon Maxwell
This bitch continues her Gagaissance by wearing a jumpsuit/pantsuit/cape ? to the red carpet and I am HERE FOR IT. Her hair is channelling classic Hollywood and the make-up isn’t over the top either. Love her.
Honorable Mention: Common because heLLLOOOOO SMOKESHOW ❤ ❤
Worst Dressed
Molly’s Picks
Kerry Washington in Versace
Between the slit, the leather, and the dominatrix-y stirrup thingies, I just don’t like this. Which brings me to: maybe we should call this something other than “worst dressed,” because this isn’t necessarily BAD, I just don’t care for it. As always, Kerry’s hair and makeup are perfect.
Sandy Powell
I’m not sure if this belongs on worst dressed, because this is a costume designer paying tribute to the off-the-wall costuming of the patron saint of individualism in fashion, David Bowie. So let’s say that it’s questionably red carpet appropriate, but her heart is in the right place.
Kate Winslet in Ralph Lauren
Look no further for evidence that everyone looked really great last night: there were few dresses that I disliked that I was forced to put Kate Winslet on my worst dressed list. Her hair and makeup are nice, the silhouette of the gown is good, and my only qualm is that fabric. I’ve mentioned a few times that I wish Melissa McCarthy wouldn’t wear that garbage bag fabric so often, and here it is on Kate Winslet. Call it a pet peeve.
Mindy Kaling in Elizabeth Kennedy
See what I mean about not having any dresses I dislike? Mindy Kaling? I LOVE Mindy Kaling! I don’t even hate this dress! I just don’t love it as much as some of the other gowns from last night. It’s a pretty good dress! The back of it is amazing! The tailoring just feels a bit off, and that’s not even Mindy’s fault. I love Mindy Kaling! Ugh. That felt gross. I hated doing that.
Rachel McAdams in August Getty
Now I’m not even pretending to pick bad dresses. I love this color, I love this cut, her eyes pop, the simple earrings are amazing, I’m glad her hair is back. It’s just one of those terribly disappointing moments when you (Rachel McAdams) realize that the otherwise perfect dress you’re wearing wrinkles when you sit. I hate when that happens!
Dishonorable mention:Heidi Klum, who at this point is probably just trolling us that she can wear this puffy tulle thing and STILL look better than most of us could possibly look on our best day.
Traci’s Picks
Heidi Klum in Marchesa
It’s just so bad I had to put it on here twice.
Jacqueline West
If you’re wondering who this is, Jacqueline is a costume designer who was nominated for The Revenant. Like Sandy Powell, I just don’t understand why costume designers wear unflattering things like this. You can see her slip – but is it meant to do that? Maybe I just don’t get the *art* of it.
Reese Witherspoon in Oscar de la Renta
I love Reese like every other American. But this top is just not working for me. It makes her boobs look lumpy and I don’t like that the boning is kind of outlined on the corset. And I’m not feeling the color. It also reminds me of the Louis Vuitton dress she wore to the 2013 Oscars that’s kind of similar to this. Except that gown was better.
Sofia Vergara in Marchesa
Again, I love Sofia Vergara. She is an American treasure. And you have to appreciate someone who knows their body so well that they know what dresses look great on them. Sofia is constantly in a strapless gown, which can kind of get old, but she still looks gorgeous. However, this gown has too much fabric around the waist and I’m not feeling the embellishments scattered throughout. Bring back more like this pink number at the SAGs , pls.
Gwen Stefani in Yanina Couture
Ok, this is technically at the Vanity Fair after party, but still Oscars related. Gwen. What in the fresh hell is this? Apparently sheer dresses with designs/floral covering the private bits is a trend as of late, but ugh. This is too much.
Hi pals! It’s that time of year again – watching the Academy Awards and liveblogging it, despite the fact we haven’t seen half the movies. Relive the memz with our liveblog!
12:08 AM
That’s a wrap, everyone! Thanks for joining us, and please stop by tomorrow while we discuss our best and worst dressed picks! Promise we won’t list Leo 10 times in a row for Best Dressed. Probably.
12:05 PM
Best Picture
The Big Short
Bridge of Spies
Brooklyn
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Room
Spotlight
Traci’s Pick: The Revenant
Because Leo needs this.
Molly’s Pick: The Revenant
I will go down with this ship.
Winner: Spotlight
M: Okay, that was my second-most-likely pick.
T: Same. except I haven’t seen it.
M: Hmm. I.. well, I think I’m really happy that this is going to get a lot more focus on the abuse in the church. But strictly AS A MOVIE I wasn’t blown away, if that makes sense?
M: Chris Rock invited everyone to the BET Awards. No, but what if everyone shows up? Little Jacob Tremblay. His hot parents. Those guys with the skull necklaces. Leo. His mom.
T: What’s happening here the winners were forced to come out and literally get a golden shower
M: It reminds me of the end of the telethon episode of Full House. Ugh. I’m not even cultured enough to properly WATCH the Oscars.
T: It’s a memorable episode, TBH.
M: As was this evening. IDK, just still very happy for Leo.
WAIT. They’re playing Public Enemy’s Fight The Power. AHAHAHAHA
12:05 AM
T: I’M SO NERVOUS I’M ABOUT TO VOMIT
M: I CAN’T THINK OF NORMAL THINGS TO SAY, just Titanic quotes.
T: WIN IT FOR KATE. WIN IT FOR MR. ANDREWS.
M: FOR CORA. LITTLE CORA.
T: FOR THAT SWEET OLD COUPLE WHO DIED IN THEIR BED.
M: AND THAT MOM READING THE STORY TO HER TWO CHILDREN.
T: AND THE STRING QUARTET THAT DIDN’T STOP PLAYING
T: Just think, Brie wins an Oscar AND Jacob Tremblay. She’s also incredibly composed for just winning an oscar.
M: That’s what I said about her in the preshow – that she always seems so calm! Someone get me the number of Brie Larson’s yoga teacher or meditation…guy?
11:40 PM
M: I always feel like awards shows are the west coast’s revenge, because they usually get the raw end of live tv.
Which is to say, I’m in New York and I’m tired.
T: God bless time zones.
Best Director
Adam McKay, The Big Short
George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road
Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant
Lenny Abrahamson, Room
Tom McCarthy, Spotlight
Traci’s Pick: Alejandro G. Iñárritu, The Revenant
Two-peat for Alejandro?? Probs.
Molly’s Pick: Alejandro G. Iñárritu
Revenant was the best movie I’ve barely been able to watch.
Winner: Alejandro G. Iñárritu
M: Yay! I hope this means we hear a lot more Revenant for the rest of the awards (read: Best Actor).
T: To be clear, Kate and Leo are separated by one aisle and a Cate Blanchett. Just so we can get an idea of the floorplan for whatever happens next.
M: I’ve never more wanted to be Cate Blanchett. Or an aisle.
11:32 PM
M: Quincy Jones is one of the most powerful people in the entertainment industry but I look at him and think “wow. Rashida’s dad.”
T: same. SAME.
T: Is Pharrell’s hair blonde???
M: Confirmed: Pharrell’s hair is blonde. Somehow makes him look even MORE like an ageless vampire-person than usual.
Best Original Song
“Earned It,” 50 Shades Of Grey
“Manta Ray,” Racing Extinction
“Simple Song #3,” Youth
“Til It Happens to You,” The Hunting Ground
“Writing’s on the Wall,” Spectre
Traci’s Pick: “Til It Happens to You,” The Hunting Ground
We’re in the middle of a Gagaissance, and she’s has been campaigning for her first Oscar hard. One step closer to EGOT, Gaga.
Molly’s Pick: “Til It Happens to You,” The Hunting Ground
I don’t know any of these songs.
Winner: “Writing’s on the Wall,” Spectre
M: Truth, this was a boring-ass song and I LOVE Sam Smith.
T: Awww I’m happy for Sam despite the fact I don’t care too much for this song. *disclosure (no pun intended) we wrote that at the same time
M: 11:28 PM EST. But thanks for all your little sketches, Oscars.
Sacha Baron Cohen’s bit fell flat right?
T: WHAT YEAR IS IT, ALI G???
T: Just realized how many exes Rachel McAdams is surrounded by tonight. Two, by my count?
M: Before you finished, I was about to reply “HOW MANY EXES,” so thanks for anticipating that.
11:17 PM
T: Honestly, Jacob Tremblay, I want to put you in my pocket and and bring you around with me all day.
M: “I loved you in Madagascar!” Jacob Tremblay, my son. (Just kidding, I’m sure Jacob Tremblay’s hot parents love him very much.)
T: Speaking hot parents – or maybe not – this Irish dude is QT.
M: Agreed.
T: The academy: “We didn’t nominate any black folks, so here are “International stars Sofia Vergara and this Korean actor I’ve never seen in my life’ presenting Best Foreign Language Film. BOOM, DIVERSITY.”
M: “I don’t think you understand, here is an ENTIRE TROOP BEVERLY HILLS OF COLOR.” – The Academy
M: Is this gonna be the year everyone realizes they love Joe Biden?
T: JOE BIDEN JUST SAID, “HEY MATT, HOW ARE YOU” AND POINTED AT MATT DAMON.
M: Man. I wish Joe Biden was running for President. Too late for Biden to be making a surprise Oscar night, pre-Super Tuesday announcement? No?
T: GOD that would be a GD dream.
M: Gaga is doing basically a fancy version of the song Paige won the talent show with on Degrassi. (IDK I’ve muted it but I’m almost positive.)
T: Really glad I didn’t wear make-up today!
M: I’m not wearing any makeup; I also had to mute the TV and read the internet instead of watching that, so I really covered all bases.
11:00 PM
M: Didn’t they used to do the honorary Oscar during the show? On one hand those always run like 20 minutes, on the other Gena Rowlands is one of the best actresses alive and I wouldn’t have minded seeing her.
T: Did you see her during the pre-show? She was talking to Ryan Seacrest and he showed her a photo of The Notebook cast and someone had to remind her what she was looking at. Bless.
M: Like, apparently, Gena Rowlands herself, I forgot that she was in The Notebook.
10:46 PM
M: On one hand, I can usually take a joke at my expense. On the other, if I were a documentary short subject nominee, I probably wouldn’t love Louis C.K. riffing on how poor and unimportant I am?
M: Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy is winning her SECOND Oscar, so whatever, C.K. The Pakistani PM said he would change the law on honor killing after seeing this documentary, so I guess I’d drive a Civic if my movie was going to do something like that.
Best Documentary Feature
Amy
Cartel Land
The Look of Silence
What Happened, Miss Simone?
Winter on Fire: Ukraine’s Fight for Freedom
Traci’s Pick: Amy
I have yet to see What Happened, Miss Simone? but Amy was truly insightful and heartbreaking, and included a lot of footage I’ve never seen before. Plus I found out I’m like two degrees away from Amy Winehouse after watching this movie.
Molly’s Pick: What Happened, Miss Simone?
I haven’t seen this, but I feel like this and Amy have been the most buzz-y and I didn’t think Amy was edited and cut all that well.
Also the way the nominee names go from shortest to longest is very visually pleasing.
Winner: Amy
M: There were 2 Amy Winehouse documentaries on Amazon and I’m starting to wonder if I watched the wrong (non-nominated) one?
M: What better way to highlight how white the Oscars are than to make fun of Asian children for being good at math?
10:33 PM
T: I am HERE for Kate and her glasses.
M: Sexual orientation: Straight + Kate Winslet In Glasses.
T: Whoa Kate Capshaw is serving with that bow tie and suit.
M: Also sexual orientation: Mark Ruffalo Winking. What? I usually hate winking.
M: Wow. I really don’t like Chris Rock’s man on the street segment. You’re not Billy. (Note: I like that he turned it into an #OscarsSoWhite thing, but the segment itself is whatever)
T: This woman with the purple wig is going to be a viral hit in approx 5 minutes.
M: Real headline on the Daily Mail right now: “Olivia Munn shows off 12 pound weight loss.” Do you really show off 12 pounds lost? Can people even tell? Because if I gain that, I go off the assumption that nobody can.
T: 12 you can totally tell, it’s 11 pounds where it’s unrecognizable.
This is Sly’s third nomination, after getting nominated for the first Rocky as Best Actor and Best Original Screenplay. He has the best chance at winning this category, since he’s a Hollywood fave. For once, he’s not an underdog.
Molly’s Pick: Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Personally I’d vote for Tom Hardy, or maybe Mark Ruffalo, but there’s a lot of buzz about Sly and a lot of times the Academy can’t resist the sentimental pick.
Winner: Mark Rylance
T: Frreal. digging Sly’s black and blue suit. But also, his face when he didn’t win was v “ugh, you can’t win ‘em all.” ALSO I’M GETTING NERVOUS FOR LEO.
M: Was not expecting this. Obviously. Also Mark Rylance was great and I didn’t see Creed, so I’m not sure why I felt a little disappointed that Sly didn’t win.
M: Are Chris Rock’s adorable daughters really selling Girl Scout cookies? I would willingly be part of a dumb awards show bit if I got cookies at the end. Especially, but not limited to, Samoas.
T: Can these girl scouts deliver to a 30-year-old woman approx 3 miles away watching Minons present an award at the Academy Awards? kthx
T: Bear Story: The prequel to The Revenant
M: 2016: not a great Oscars for people of color, AWESOME for bear-actors.
T: I’m unexpectedly tearing up at the sight of Buzz and Woody. EFF YOU Toy Story 3.
M: Oh yeah. That movie screwed me up but good.
Best Animated Feature
Anomalisa
Boy and the World
Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep Movie
When Marnie Was There
Traci’s Pick: Inside Out
Emotion if this clear favorite doesn’t win: Lewis Black. Like all of Lewis Black as Anger.
Molly’s Pick: Inside Out
Hi, still crying over this one.
Winner: Inside Out
M: I didn’t ACTUALLY expect to tear up the instant that was announced but I ACTUALLY am.
T: Inside Out, also screwed me up but good.
M: It’s such a useful and important movie for kids, too. Like, for helping them identify their emotions – my little niece is going through a really tough time and when we were watching Inside Out for what felt like the 20th time, she said “actually, I’m sad but I’m still mostly made of joy.” TEARS. Bless this movie.
T: Did they bleep out Kevin Hart for saying “damnit” or am I making that up?
M: I thought my TV just cut out but I feel like that’s, in fact, what happened.
M: The Weeknd’s performance is like Phantom Of The Opera + Cirque du Soleil + Fosse.
10:03 PM
M: OH WOW. Ex Machina, A movie other than Mad Max, just took one of the technical awards.
M: I hope this doesn’t read as shade because it isn’t: the inventions from the tech awards sound amazing. (BTW, my sister-in-law’s uncle won one one year; it’s on his mantle and fun at Christmas parties).
M: Favorite segment of the hour: Tina Fey’s commercial.
9:54 PM
M: If I didn’t already have a headache, I’d have one after that sound editing intro. Their tactic was, I guess, to include every sound that ever appeared in the nominated films.
T : Um give these dudes a reality show about sound and skull necklaces
M: Observation: the technical winners LOVE gothic and renaissance themed accessories. Oh God. They’re doing the thing again for the Sound Editing category. (Mad Max, naturally, wins).
9:45 PM
T: Oh boy I would not ever want to mess with Suge Knight, y’all.
T: Michael B. Jordan. what GD DREAM MAN.
ok, get them in a romance movie pls
T: The way they’re shooting this cinematography category feel like I’m on a ride at Universal Studios.
T: Man The Revenant’s cinematography was so beautiful and breathtaking. I would’ve been so upset if it didn’t win.
M: Likewise. I actually thought to myself “wow, this is some gorgeous cinematography” while I was watching it. (Not a thought I always have during movies.)
M: Mad Max just won for editing. Definitely going to be the biggest winner of the night, unless The Revenant sweeps the big categories.
“Mad Mad was the best reviewed film of 2015. Audiences loved it.” RUB IT IN, WHY DON’T YOU.
T: HOLY SHIT ARE THEY LAYING IN ON WILL SMITHohjk Jack Black.
T: “The Minons are on their way” FUCKING FINALLY, said absolutely no one.
M: In case anyone’s looking for some reading during the music segment, here’s why nominee Anohni won’t be there.
(I had a moment of “I don’t know who that is,” but I do and you probably do too: she was formerly known as Antony Hegarty, of Antony and the Johnsons).
9:32 PM
Best Costume Design
Carol
Cinderella
The Danish Girl
Mad Max: Fury Road
Traci’s Pick: Mad Max: Fury Road
IDK, it’s probably impressive to create costumes for a time period that hasn’t happened yet.
Molly’s Pick: Cinderella
The costume designer has won a few times before, and that blue dress is pretty legit. But I’ve also heard Carol is all about the costumes, so.
Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road
M: Like I said before, I got maybe 20 minutes into Mad Max and I just couldn’t do it. The costumes were part of it. There was a man wearing a weird hat or a … crazy mask? … I forget… making a proclamation on a mountaintop and I was like “I’m sorry, I tried. I cannot.”
T: Of COURSE the Mad Max costume designer is wearing a bedazzled leather jacket.
T: So there’s a big change this year with nominees given the opportunity to hand in a list of names of the people they want to thank but it didn’t happen with that woman that just won?
M: The scroll I’ve been complaining about for a half hour doesn’t even work. Sorry, Academy. You tried a new thing. Not as new as nominating people who aren’t white, but newish.
T: Is a Tina/Steve Carell reunion a subconscious way for Hollywood to know they want a Date Night sequel?
M: I’d love for Tina Fey and Steve Carrell to become a popular buddy duo, a la Tina and Amy, and make dozens of movies together.
Mad Max just won for production design. The minutes I watched were mostly deserts and jalopies, but presumably that changes.
M: Makeup and hairstyling… we didn’t do guessing but probably Mad Max again?
T: um Magic Mike XXL, not Magic Mike 2, jared leto. get it straight.
M: His strength was all in his hair, Traci.
Well. Mad Max just won again. It wasn’t a bad movie, just a movie my ears and eyeballs couldn’t put up with.
T: This portion of the show was sponsored by the Australian tourism board.
T: After introducing The Revenant as a Best Picture nominee, they shot to a bear clapping in the audience, and no one laughed. Alejandro was confused, Leo is still crying over Kate not winning, and that officially became the second fake bear joke that’s failed this awards season.
9:16 PM
T: WAIT UPDATE POEHLER IS THERE AND SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL NOBLE LAND MERMAID
M: I know prerecorded comedy bits are what make the show run over – and what I retroactively hate about the show around 11:15 PM – but I’m just so thrilled to see Leslie Jones. I also love that despite nominating only white actors, the Oscars has ended up with the largest non-white presence in the show probably ever.
M: 9:03 PM. 2 minutes of Sarah Silverman doing a James Bond bit (Sarah, I love you but I’m going somewhere with this). 11:03 PM: The actual winners of the biggest awards in film being ushered off the stage after 30 seconds.
It feels like every year there’s a song from James Bond, and (1) I didn’t know a James Bond movie came out, (2) the song is boring as hell. This year is no different.
M: For those of you only really following the main categories, Best Supporting Actress should be up next, then like 10 awards you won’t care about.
T: “My favorite song is Father Figure” ugh come on. Enough. We get it Sam Smith and George Michael are both gay and British.
M: Getting super nervous about this category. #ShipWatch2016, get your looking glass and binoculars ready.
Confession: I saw Spotlight last week when I was REALLY sick and I dozed off for about, I’d say 4-7 minutes. Which included the scene they just showed for Rachel McAdams, apparently.
Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
Rooney Mara, Carol
Rachel McAdams, Spotlight
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Traci’s Pick: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
I haven’t seen Steve Jobs (and neither have a lot of people, I guess), but Kate Winslet is always great in what she does. Alicia Vikander was transcendent in The Danish Girl, but I low key also want Kate to win so she takes pix with her new gold statue and *fellow winner* Leo.
Molly’s Pick: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Word on the street is the race is between Kate Winslet and Alicia Vikander. On one hand I’m tempted to go with Alicia because the Academy loves giving Best Supporting Actress to unknown young actresses, on the other hand, they called it the ship of dreams. And it was. It really was.
Winner: Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
M: I don’t like the thank-you scroll.
T: I saw The Danish Girl last week (not sick) and Alicia was really good. Did anyone see Steve Jobs? No? Ok, Kate still deserves it but whatever.
M: Based on our comments above, I think we knew it would be Alicia. I still say she’s a princess (specifically: Belle).
Maybe this is just because I majored in foreign languages, but I think it’s so fascinating how people’s accents differ depending on where they learned English: like how Alicia sounds like a mix of English with a tiny bit of Swedish, and completely different from the Swedish-Americans I know – yet you can hear the common Swedish accent underneath either the American or English accent.
8:55 PM
M: Well. It’s about time, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
(expect all the Titanic gifs)
T: This looks like the beginning of Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium (I’ve never seen it).
M: I saw it in the theatre, despite reading a review entitled ‘Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium Is Really, Really Bad’ (that’s true).
Not to get too Titanic (oh, who am I kidding), but there’s a majestic, booming chorus sounds like when Titanic set sail from Southampton. There’s a deep cut for those of you who owned both the Titanic soundtrack AND the Back To Titanic Soundtrack (so, other girls who were born in 1986)
T: AKA the both of us
T: I’m glad they were able to sneak Magic Mike XXL in that (necessary) montage
T: *take a shot for #OscarsSoWhite ref*
M: Chris Rock always sparks the same reaction from me as kids on the Disney Channel: yes, you’re very talented, but would you PLEASE stop yelling?
T: i just had a flashback to chris rock hosting the ’99 VMAs. *what a time to be alive*
M: Ah, yes. I remember that from the VHS tape I made where I edited out the commercials. Cool kid here.
T: “EveryBODY GOT MAD!” We are witnessing peak Chris Rock right now.
M: Chris Rock: not fair that Will Smith didn’t get nominated, also not fair Will Smith “made $20,000 for Wild Wild West.” The truth of which makes Alicia Vikander look like she may cry.
T: *take a shot for Wanda Sykes ref*
M: “Hollywood is sorority racist. ‘We like you, Rhonda, but you’re not a Kappa.’”
T: A show where it’s only reaction shots from white people after a black comedian/enne makes a race joke
T: The #AskHerMore joke made me uncomfy for like the first 20 seconds, TBH
M: ME TOO, I was getting really nervous about where he was going to take it.
Where are all the seat fillers? I counted like 10 empty seats in the front center section.
T: Wait.. “Charice” Theron? Did Chris have an Adele Dazeem moment?
M People tend to get her confused with Charice, the teen singer who used to be on Oprah a lot.
T: BTW Emily Blunt is the most beautiful with that baby bump. Where is JKras tho?!
M: I hope he’s here! Traci, if I ever have kids, I’ll pay you $5 to never say baby bump.
T: Give me it now and I’ll promise to never say it to anyone again.
M: Is this a friendship or a series of small bets and tiny transactions? Anyone’s guess.
Best Original Screenplay
Bridge of Spies
Ex Machina
Inside Out
Spotlight
Straight Outta Compton
Traci’s Pick: Inside Out/Spotlight
I feel like Inside Out is the most original in the truest sense of the word, but Spotlight might take it since it’s more Oscar-y that Inside Out.
Molly’s Pick: Spotlight
Inside Out was more innovative, but would they give best screenplay to a cartoon – even a really great one?
Winner: Spotlight
M: I know Spotlight is an “important movie” and everything but I’ll say it: I was really hoping for Inside Out.
M: With Best Adapted Screenplay, we get to the first overwrought banter of the night.
T: Ryan Gosling, Canadian treasure – please go hang out with Rachel McAdams and make everyone pass out. Titanic and The Notebook is too much for millennials.
M: #BirdWatch2016
Best Adapted Screenplay
The Big Short
Brooklyn
Carol
The Martian
Room
Traci’s Pick: The Martian
Because who doesn’t love a good, heart-warming comedy??
Molly’s Pick: Room
It’s not easy to adapt a first-person novel to a screenplay without relying too much on voiceovers, moreso when the narrator is 5 years old. I read the books & saw the movies for both Brooklyn and Room and both were great. I guess I just want a win for Ireland either way.
Winner: The Big Short
M: Okay, that screenplay was really good. WAIT. Why are they scrolling thanks along the bottom of the screen?! Is this going to happen all night?
T: The director of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy just won an Oscar.
8:26 PM
M: Mark Ruffalo uses his interview screen time to talk about basically every hot-button issue there is (OK, maybe just child abuse and #OscarsSoWhite).
T: Where’s Bow Wow to accidentally throw to the live show 3 times?
M: Oh god. The show doesn’t even START for another 4 minutes. I feel like I’ve been watching this forever.
8:15 PM
T: V IMPORTANT Q: IS KATE LEO’S DATE? I KNOW HE SAID HE BROUGHT HIS PARENTS BUT WHY ARE THEY POSING FOR PIX ON THE CARPET TOGETHER BESIDES TRYING TO KILL ALL OF US SIMULTANEOUSLY
M: Who else would she be with, her husband Mr. ROCKNROLL?
(Why yes, I am still mad that Kate’s married to, not just not-Leo, but specifically someone named Ned Rocknroll)
T: Are you kidding me? We’re reporting on the fact that Chris Rock is using a RAINBOW PEN to make notes on his script? M: Once people start filing inside, it’s like Christmas after you’ve opened presents. Fun’s over.
8:07 PM
M: First of all, Lady Gaga seems very sweet, right? Second, I feel like if you’re not into Lady Gaga, people who love her think that means you hate Lady Gaga. But sometimes you’re just not into her.
This is me saying I’m not into Lady Gaga, however I think she’s very talented and seems genuinely like a good person.
Oh, Naomi Watts. Sequins everywhere. Actually, kind of a lot of sequins this year overall? Which I love. There are so few places where you can wear sequins.
Thank the universe I’m not in a line of work where anyone will ever say that I “debuted my baby bump.” There are like 3 gross things right there.
Hang on. Jacob Tremblay posted a selfie of him and his improbably hot parents on the way to the ceremony. Cutest ever.
M: You know what, Robin? Don’t use this as a time to plug the “dream in gold” slogan. This is Leo’s time. We should say: our #ShipWatch2016 is, in full, the Frederick Fleet Memorial Ship Watch 2016, in honor of the Titanic’s watchman, because all of our cultural references are somewhere between 20 and 104 years old.
7:50 PM
T: Um has E! stopped interviewing people on the red carpet? I CANNOT MISS KATE AND/OR LEO. #SHIPWATCH2016 (note: I have to watch E! for work ughhhh)
M: On ABC, where they’re allowed to interview people, they’re speaking to Julianne Moore. She calls Carol a beautiful movie and for a second I think “wait, wasn’t she in that?” Cate Blanchett, everyone. They don’t even look alike.
T: UGH seriously, I haven’t even seen a glimpse of Julianne Moore! This is an outrage.
M: She looks great! Her gown is black with a sequin-trimmed bodice and a sort of diaphonous skirt.
M: TINA FEY IS HERE?! She says she “literally started clapping” when she saw Charlize Theron, which incidentally was my reaction to seeing Tina Fey. She’s wearing purple and a necklace with lots of hearts of the ocean. Okay, or blue stones. We’re in Titanic mode tonight.T: I HAD TO SWITCH OVER BC I SAW ON TWITTER TINA IS HERE. IS AMY HERE TOO BECAUSE INSIDE OUT?!
M: DON’T START, BITCH.
(What if she is?!)
Cate Blanchett is in a mint/aqua gown with feathery floral accents. She’s another hit/miss for me but she looks like a dream.
Are you a person even?
7:40 PM
M: Kerry Washington on the red carpet… first of all, she’s so gorgeous she can take any fashion risk she wants. Which is me saying that the constructed leather bodice on her gown isn’t my fav. But even if I don’t always love what Kerry wears, I always like what she has to say. She says she respects the people who have chosen to boycott the Oscars, but feels like she’s most useful when her voice is at the table.
Aside: Red carpet interviews are where you really see which actors are ‘thinkers’ and/or went to school before beginning their work.
Matt Damon: “It wasn’t The Revenant”. Just setting our expectations for how his night’s gonna go really early.
Jimmy Kimmel and the host riff about Matt Damon. Feels like 2008 all over again. Jimmy: “Ben Affleck, who used to date Matt Damon back in the old days…”. (His post-Oscar special airs after your local news.)
7:30 PM
M: An Academy rep on diversity, stealing lines from me after a bad grade in 10th grade math: I’ll try harder; this won’t happen next time, etc.
An early congrats to Eddie Redmayne! Because his new niece was born a few hours ago. So really, either way he’s a winner (which is good, because he’s in a tough category, and also because he would make an ADORABLE uncle. I can just see it!).
7:22 PM
M: Brie Larson always seems so calm! She’s wearing royal blue and my first thought was that I could see her winning in that gown. There’s been a lot of champaigne and off-white lately and a real COLOR makes more of a statement.
Rooney Mara tends to seem bored, and I don’t think she is, I think she just doesn’t have a very excitable demeanor. She usually tends a bit more avant garde on the red carpet but I’m just not excited about this look. I mean she looks gorgeous, but that goes without saying.
Would it be weird to put Jacob Tremblay on our best dressed list?
7:12 PM
M: Hi Everyone! I’m watching the ABC preshow (and as someone without cable, I’m just thrilled that there IS a preshow for me to watch).
Let me start off by saying that I’ve seen all, or almost all, of the nominees. I only made it about 20 minutes into Mad Max. I’m sure it’s great – it’s nominated and all – but not for me.
Alicia Vikander: I can’t be sure if her Louis Vuitton is going to go over well – it has that short-long, or “mullet” (ew) thing and is sort of a lighter canary yellow. I love it though. She’s an absolute princess.
Olivia Wilde’s gown is gauzy and white with crisp pleats and a lot of skin. She’s a presenter. That’s the time you can wear something like this:
Saoirse Ronan is wearing an emerald green sequined gown, with one white and one green earring. The green feels like a call back to her first Oscar nomination. Will the earrings be a hit? She’s young and I think it’s fun. Plus she probably has dozens of other Oscars to look serious.
Saoirse confirms that she wanted to wear green all along. Calvin Klein designed her gown.
Well it’s here, everyone. Full House is back in the form of Fuller House, and you can revisit the entire Tanner clan right now! BTW, It’s apropos that Fuller House is debuting on a Friday, TGIF and all. We all remember FH being a staple of the TGIF lineup, especially in its heyday (if you want to read an in-depth article about TGIF, read this!). Although it moved up to the big leagues in Tuesday’s primetime programming in its later seasons, it will always have a place in our TGIF hearts. So in saying that, and with Fuller House premiering today, we’re using this Friday’s post to go back 21 years ago to 1995, when the series finale aired and we said goodbye to the Tanners. Before you check out the Netflix show, refresh your memz (just like Michelle in this ep) and see where we left off.
T: I’d like to start this out by saying Full House is ironically not available on Netflix. It used to be, but not anymore. It would’ve been smart to keep the rights to it leading up to Fuller House, but hey, I don’t work there (although how great would that be).
M: Who would have thought I’d be scouring the internet for a bootleg version of the FULL HOUSE FINALE on the day the ‘sequel’ premiered on Netflix? Well, surely not me in 1995.
M: Specific memory of the Full House finale: it aired the night of my third grade piano recital. We had to tape it (stick THAT in your nostalgic 90s tumblr, kids who weren’t born yet). You always worried that the timer on the tape wouldn’t work, because a lot of times it didn’t. There are photos of me posing in what I thought was a very stylish white dress with a lace overlay, but which really looked like Victorian underwear. And in all of the photos, you can SEE how antsy I am to get home.
T: My relationship with Full House is probably very similar to Molly’s, in that I watched the episodes live as they were airing, but I’d also watch reruns as well. Since the repeats would air in chronological order, I always knew when it got to the episode about DJ’s prom and Michelle’s horse riding competition, there would be some tears and we’d start the entire cycle over again. It’s also a marker for where I was personally in my life, since the Olsen twins were born a six months after me, and two months before Molly.
M: TO THIS DAY my brothers will remind me of how much the Olsens accomplished before me.
To Traci’s point, I’d always get a little sad during this episode in the rerun cycle, not just because it was a bummer, but also because it meant we were returning to season 1. I love the early years now, but they were kind of less interesting to me as a kid. Not enough Michelle. Thing nobody says about millennials: we had an insatiable appetite for Michelle Elizabeth Tanner in 1990-1995.
“Of course I haven’t bought the batteries yet.” Gibbler, on her prom dress.
T: Deej is kind of jeal that Gibbler has a dress AND a date to prom, whereas she just has a bag of chips and a remote control. It’s moments like this when I realize just how much of an adult I am – I’d take chips and TV over prom any day.
M: Yeah, Deej is having a great Friday, by my calculations. Also she spent her senior year dating Nelson AND Viper, and junior year dating Steve. D.J.’s doing just fine.
T: Also I love how peak 90s we are with this episode. In 1995, we were in 4th grade, and that’s just old enough to remember our lives at this time. Deej’s bob hair flipped out at the bottom is SO 90s.
T: “Look at your fence and give your pony enough time to see that fence.” Michelle’s horse trainer GIVING HER THIS ADVICE TOO LATE *spoiler alert?*
M: Is it just me, or is Michelle jumping way too far into this (no pun intended)? It’s like she went from zero to Mallory Pike in one episode. I’m sure she should be trotting around a circle.
T: Ugh remember the 90s tho
T: Is it me or is this laugh track even more prominent??? Becky made a horrible joke about Michelle’s riding outfit and all I could hear was canned chortles.
M: “Riding hat, riding clothes, riding boots. Wild guess, you were riding?” BECKY. Why you gotta sass Michelle? New head canon: Becky hates Michelle. Can’t blame her.
T: Stephanie/Jodie Sweetin’s final storyline on Full House is about her having dry lips. CAN U IMAGINE ENDING SEVEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE ON A TV SHOW AND THE LAST PLOT YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH IS ABOUT NEEDING TO MOISTURIZE YOUR SKIN
M: Why did so many men in 90s sitcoms sit backwards on their chairs? Jesse, A.C. Slater… is that at all comfortable? BTW Becky is wearing some sort of bizarre sweat-outfit.
T: I can’t remember the last time I watched this episode or a full ep of FH in general, but I do not remember the jokes being so corny, which is funny considering I thought the jokes in the trailer for Fuller House were also v corny. A+ for continuity.
T: Gibbler brings Deej IRL Tinder by “raiding a Star Trek convention” of all nerds for her to choose from for the prom. I love that Kimmy was like, ‘OK you 6 boys follow me to DJ Tanner’s house for the possibility of going to prom with her OR total rejection!” Also Gibbler needs to bring the van of nerds back for “their allergy shots”, because having allergies is correlated to being a geek?
M: In 90s sitcoms, I seem to remember that specifically allergies and nosebleeds were geek traits. I was so mortified by my – you guessed it – severe seasonal allergies and chronic nosebleeds. Whomp-whomp.
T: Okay, I guess I’ve seen this episode enough to remember the punch line to one of these jokes, ‘Have any of you ever been to a dance… with a woman… who wasn’t in your family?’. Just said that outloud to myself.
M: I’d like to point out that the far left nerd isn’t even ugly, just wearing weird brown old man clothes.
THIS BITCH:
The girl who plays Elizabeth, the fellow rider that tells Michelle about the jumping contest, her real name is Ebick Pizzadili which is either the name of a pizza shop in Brooklyn or an Italian pop star.
M: I bet she got that a lot as a kid? But it is very fun to say. Tried to look up the name Ebick – thinking it was Turkish or Bosnian. All Google is giving me is this girl from Full House. Anyway, she does a good job.
T: ‘Oh camera and a saddle – big date tonight?’ Steph coming in with a burn for Danny
M: The audience “whoooos” when Michelle enters wearing a riding outfit, which doesn’t really seem warranted but fine.
T: Steph says, ‘If we gave you a lantern, you could stand out on the front lawn!’ A) never realized this was a lawn jockey joke. B) They don’t have a front lawn.
T: JJ Pryor!!! I always forget he’s in this. American Dreams, anyone? He also has max 90s boy crush hair ::emoji w heart eyes::
M: There are so many sitcom plots about performing in Romeo and Juliet, or there were in the 90s anyway, but do any teachers really force two random classmates to kiss for an assignment? I thought regular group work was bad.
T: Michelle’s overalls/scrunchie combo – another peak 90s move. Also HAVE MERCY, UNCLE JESSE.
M: That scrunchie is HUGE. I’d have been jealous.
T: I legitimately LOL when Joey tells Jesse to throw another pillow on the couch so he can jump into it from the balcony and Jesse makes it a point to cautiously (and sarcastically) put a small pillow down on the couch.
M: FH was really committed to the ‘very special concussion episode’ idea, one way or the other.
Looking at Nicky and Alex, I’m SO relieved that I never got that 80s/90s kid haircut where the hair forms like a diagonal from the bangs to the back.
T: “Riding used to be fun.” “Yeah before parents got involved.” deep.
M: Hahaha so Michelle and Rich Elizabeth decide to skip the pricey competition Michelle said she wanted, saddle up their own horses, mount them with no help and ride off into the woods? This is why more rich people die in extravagant acts of stupidity than normal people.
T: Why are these cups so 90s, like why don’t they make them anyone???
M: Let’s all have a look at that dope relaxed dad behind Danny, to your left.
T: “You know, I never thought I’d get a chance to say this, but – ‘They went that’a way’” honestly one of the lines that sticks out to me from this entire series. Why? IDK. (sidenote: this cowboy is dead IRL. RIP.)
M: Donkey named Milton Burro = joke that went over my 8-year-old head.
T: You know, why did Michelle enter a jumping competition when her horse can’t jump a log? Or is this a horse thing where it’s trained to jump white gates and not wild logs?
M: Ahem. I was trained to jump man-made objects, what is this abomination? – Michelle’s stupid horse.
T: Also Joey runs over to an unconscious Michelle (after getting off his donkey) and yells, ‘Oh my gosh!’. Um, ok. ALSO ALSO, his hand is on Jesse’s knee… unnecessarily?
M: Oh… feels pretty necessary.
T: And instead of getting help (calling 911) they just sit there and stare at each other. COME ON FOLKS, TIME IS PRECIOUS.
::End of ACT 1::
In the version I’m watching, they just showed a “next time on Full House” which I’ve never seen before and that is v weird to me, since the repeats I watch never include the teasers!
T: Michelle doesn’t know who Danny is – honestly the doctor didn’t tell them this before they got into the room? Like a heads up that she might be suffering from memory loss? I’ve seen most of ER and all of Grey’s Anatomy, I should know (they probably did this for story/budgetary reasons).
M: Also, is this even a normal type of amnesia to have? I feel like usually people will forget the accident and maybe the time around it, not their entire life?
T: “Wow if that’s the pizza guy, he really does deliver!” – DJ to Steph and what’s his name kissing in the kitchen
T: Duane!! Whatever. Then he busts out a Shakespeare monologue because of course he’s a secret genius. Whoa the actor who plays Duane has an impressive career – he does a lot of voice over work, including Frozen, Despicable Me aND THE VOICE OF JOEY MACINTYRE ON THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK ANIMATED SERIES
M: He was actually really good at playing Duane, if that makes sense! Like that one dopey skater-y guy who would eat lunch on the grassy knoll at Bronson Alcott High, if you will.
“We all live in this house”
“Oh I hope it’s bigger than it looks from the outside.”
T: Joey brings out Mr. Woodchuck to help Michelle jog her memory, which I guess is a good tactic but also, she’s probably thinking WTF what is this family I’m supposedly a member of? Also Mary-Kate (Ashley?) does a good job of acting in this scene, after questioning why Mr. Woodchuck keeps talking about “wood”. Joey says it’s “the bit they do, remember?” and Michelle says with uncertainty and a hint of shade, “Oh. Clever.”
M: Probs the same Olsen who played the haughty one in It Takes Too. Some real chops there.
T: In fact, whichever twin is playing the memory-loss Michelle is spot on, and proving they can play something other than always upbeat and happy (or a little sassier in the later seasons). The casting folks really lucked out with the Olsen twins.
M: We all did, Traci. America did.
T: LOL at the trio of men sneaking in one last harmonizing version of Teddy Bear before the series ends.
M: Cool but when are they going to do Forever?
T: Oh GOD THIS SCENE:
Michelle: You’re my dad, right? So where’s my mom?
*cut to everyone looking panicked and forlorn*
Danny: I’m sorry but your mom died when you were just a little girl.
Michelle: So even if I do get better, I won’t remember her?
Joey: Michelle, we’ll tell you everything about her you’d want to know.
Michelle: Was she pretty?
Jesse: Oh yeah Michelle she was very pretty. See, Michelle, your mommy was my sister and you know what, you look just like her.
Michelle: I know you all want me to remember but I can’t I’m sorry.
Danny: Don’t worry about it honey, it’s fine.
Michelle: It’s not fine. I don’t know who I am. I’m just gonna lie down in my own bed.
*Michelle goes to lie in Stephanie’s bed*
Stephanie: Uh Michelle, that’s –
Becky: Steph it’s probably not a good time.
M: Say what you will about Full House being poorly written – it often was – but when they remember to mention Pam they actually do a good job of it, especially in the first few years.
T: Ugh Jesse and Michelle are sharing a tender moment and I’m really getting emotional here, guys. They had such a special relationship on the show and it’s bumming me out she can’t remember a damn thing.
T: I forgot about this side plot of Jesse telling Joey how much he loves being a dad and how he can’t wait for Joey to feel the same, saying ‘it’ll happen one day for ya, pal’. — honestly they should’ve given Joey a love interest that stuck around. I hope he’s got a gal in Fuller House.
M: As it is, this scene feels like when your married friends tell you that you’ll LOVE being married one day, or your friends with kids tell you you’d be a great parent: yeah, I know, you are not helping.
T: Danny pulls out a photo album to help jog Michelle’s memory and this pic is legit like a promo pic from the episode, because who would be taking this shot otherwise? Joey??
T: Another vivid memory I have of this episode: Michelle goes to give Danny a hug because “I thought that’s what you did in this house when you leave the room.”
M: Me too!
T: I REMEMBER THIS RHYME – I REMEMBER IT ALL (like i remembered that whole rhyme)
T: I still don’t understand – Mary-Kate/Ashley shows up to confront Mary-Kate/Ashley and was all JK I’ve been here I just took a while you can have your memory back LOL and all of a sudden she’s healed??
M: Is she hallucinating now? Girlfriend should have had some brain imaging.
T: Also, I just had a flash of Tatiana Maslany filming her scenes for Orphan Black over and over again as different sestras. MK + A had it so easy.
M: Now I’m reimagining the dual Michelle scenes – angel/devil Michelle, Greek/American Michelle – if a tiny Tatiana Maslany had played them instead. Right age, too. Full House could have gone a lot deeper.
T: Danny’s saying ‘Come to Poppa’ as Deej comes down the stairs in her prom dress so she works the camera. I’m uncomfy.
RIGBY THE RHINO SIGHTING. CONTINUITY.
T: WHY DO I ALSO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS TO MICHELLE’S MEMORY QUIZ BUT I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT I DID LAST FRIDAY
M: Did I do anything last Friday? But yeah, Mr. GoodPart.
T: Gibbler’s dress. Actually not as eccentric as some of the other shit’s she’s worn on this show
M: Usually fewer lights.
T: Guys, I know what’s about to happen with Deej’s date but I’M STILL SO EXCITED TO SEE IT
T: What happened to Steve? He went to college and they broke up? But he shows up to DJ’s prom and they’re back together?
M: Does he need a ticket? Do they need waivers to bring people from outside the school? Should somebody get Steve a snack? He’s probably hungry.
Jesse: You were pretty out of it. I mean you were here, sweetheart, but it was like a part of you was missing. So it was like a part of us was missing. But we stuck it out and we got through it.
Joey/AND ME AT THE SAME TIME: Just like we always do.
Danny: Just like we always will.
Closing shot: Everyone is hugging except JOEY.
M: Moments later, Joey’s hand creeps over to Jesse’s knee, probably.
T: Even the music on the closing credits I know by heart. It’s embedded in my brain.
We were little when Full House was on. Like, Michelle Tanner-level little: the show began when we were one year old. That means that some facts about the Tanners slipped by us unquestioned – after all, what do kids know? Nothing. Practically nothing. But after rewatching the series as teens and adults, we picked up on a few factoids that blew our mind.
It’s time to wake up, San Francisco. The Tanner-inos weren’t who you thought:
Danny Tanner Was A Teen Father
Here’s what we saw in the episode The Big Three-O as children: an adult, who seems old, has a birthday and buys a car, because being an old adult is crappy but at least you’re old enough to buy cars.
Here’s what we saw in that episode once we got older: Danny Tanner is turning 30, which is our age. Danny Tanner is the father to a 10 year old, a 5 year old, and a 1 year old. That means that in all of the earlier episodes of the season, Danny was the 29-year-old father to those kids. And THAT means that Danny was a 19-year-old dad.
This was actually covered in the show. In Season 2’s “Luck Be A Lady,” we learn that Danny and Pam (Dam? Panny?) eloped at a young age. A young Jesse tweaked out and broke Danny’s ribs. Now, we don’t have time for a full rewatch, but Full House wiki says that Danny was twenty at the time. So, I believe we’re looking at a whole OTHER reason Jesse was so mad: his sister’s unwed teen pregnancy.
While Full House didn’t exactly lie about this fact, it doesn’t mesh with the depiction of Danny’s fratty college years. It’s also maddening that Danny could have finished college, landed an anchor job, bought some prime San Fran real estate and fathered three children by age 28 or so. He’s like an Old Economy Steve meme come to life.
Actually, About Danny Affording That House
San Francisco wasn’t quite as unaffordable in the 80s, but it was still pricey. Plus, a spacious, intact Victorian would have been in pretty high demand. This site has some comparables in the neighborhood: in the Full House era, Danny would likely have spent at least $400K. Then we look at TV anchor salaries: the average anchor – not exactly Danny’s job, but close enough – makes $83,000 in the present day. Danny would make more than the average being in a large market and being, for whatever reason, enough of a “draw” to have his own talk show with Aunt Becky. However, this was over 30 years ago. Let’s call it $70,000, which is being generous. Even translating both house and salaries to modern terms: there’s no way he afforded that house. There was no mention of whether Pam worked, as all we know about her is that she liked to smile.
Danny would have bought the home without knowing that other adults were going to be moving in. When you add in another TV host’s salary, an exterminator/ musician/ jingle guy / club owner salary (whatever that is), and Joey’s “comedy” bucks, maybe it’s a bit more doable. Still, Danny would have had to get a mortgage approval on his salary alone.
Morbid thought: there may have been a big settlement after Pam’s untimely death in a drunk driving accident, but we see her bring baby Michelle home to the Tanner’s house so we know they moved in before she died.
Roommates wanted. No childcare experience necessary. Must help raise children.
No shade: of course Danny needed a hand when Pam died. That said, your three girls are growing up without a mom so you get two new male roommates? Specifically your 24-year-old hard-partying (compared to Danny anyway) brother-in-law who doesn’t know how to hold a baby? And also whatever Joey is supposed to be? Basically a fourth child?
It worked out fine because everyone loved each other and didn’t need personal space, but damn. That was a gamble, Dan-o.
It Takes A Village To Raise A Child. As In, There Is Practically A Village’s Population In That House.
Danny. Jesse. Joey. DJ. Stephanie. Michelle. Becky. Nicky. Alex. NOT Vicky, the smartest broad on that show. Nine people. I know families that big (we went to Catholic school after all), but FOUR unrelated adults under one roof?! That is one full-ass house.
Not to mention, Jesse got married, moved his wife into the garret like she’s Sara Crewe and just got demoted to scullery maid, fathered TWO children, and made them live as attic-babies. They could have moved, but Michelle cried and the twinkly music came on so Jesse couldn’t do it. Come on, Jess. What would a Ripper do? I’m not clear on what a Ripper is but: probably not that. Be a Ripper, Jesse.
The Olsens Shared That Part the WHOLE DANG TIME
Just about every show casts twins in baby and toddler roles because they can’t work as many hours, plus if one baby is grumpy or sleepy you can just use the other munchkin. However, most shows recast the role when the kid gets to the talking years. They usually take this opportunity to age the kid by a couple years so they can do more stuff, too: see Growing Pains, Modern Family, and Step by Step. The Olsens were such a runaway success – it was a weird time, I know – that Full House kept them on. After a point it must have been so much more work than just using a single kid, but Michelle had the highest Q-rating on all of television (that’s true) – you don’t mess with that.
What do you bet the Nicky and Alex kids looked at MK&A like “get a grip, we are 5 years younger than you and do TWICE the job.”
Danny’s OCD is Legit
I grew up with a friend whose parents kept their home spotless. It was as if no one ever lived there. I specifically remember them vacuuming every single day. I also saw Danny Tanner cleaning his spacious intact, Victorian house all the time on TV. I didn’t think much of it then, because it seemed normal to me. But despite the fact we can all appreciate our homes being clean and livable, it wasn’t until later that I realized Danny was actually obsessed with cleaning and maybe in a non-healthy way. As a self-proclaimed “neat freak”, Danny was shown constantly tidying up, like the kind of paranoia where he would clean his rubber gloves. Actually, come to think of it, Danny Tanner is the pre-cursor to Monica Geller, who literally vacuumed her own vacuum.
On top of that, he would get insane about his insane cleaning, as witness in S5, E22 – The Trouble with Danny. Spring Cleaning is orgasmic to Danny, and he assigns each member of the house a specific duty. Can you imagine if your parent did this IRL? You would think he/she is cuckoo banana pants. In the ep, Danny overhears the rest of his family bitching about his strict cleaning regimen and decides he needs to let loose more. This could not have gone any worse, since he goes off the deep end and goes off to the mountains on a donkey named Norman. When he comes back to the house, he’s covered in dust and drinking out of the milk carton and hell has frozen over in the Tanner home. Eventually, the gang apologizes and Danny says he’s going to try to find a balance between the two extremes. But does he? Nope. Case in point – OCD.
Joey’s Questionable Comedy Career
As evidenced by the posters of iconic entertainers like the Marx Brothers on Joey’s wall, he is a comedian. He is a fan of comedy. We were reminded of this throughout the series with his constant “jokes”, literally providing comic relief both in the house and for the viewer at home. I don’t remember if I personally ever found his comedy funny, but I do remember the folks in the audience thinking he was hysterical. But now, it just seems like he’s a cartoon of a stand-up comic, who’s overacting just to get a laugh. This is a man whose arsenal of impressions include but Bullwinkle, Pee-Wee Herman, and Popeye, all of which are fine, but more importantly, not funny. Joey is like Bobby Moynihan’s character in Sisters – he fancies himself a hilarious comedian who is a never-ending bit machine, but can barely get a chuckle out of anyone who’s close enough to hear him. It’s not until he accidentally snorts cocaine that he becomes truly funny, so what I’m saying is here, Joey, take up cocaine and as for your comedy – cut it out.
Jesse Katsopolis is the Kirk Gleason of San Francisco
We all know that being a rocker is not a steady job, which is why if you’re not someone like Beyonce or even an American Idol finalist, you need a back-up plan. For Jesse, he always wanted to be a musician. He initially was expected to take on his father’s extermination business, but that got squashed in season one. Then he enters the advertising business with Joey, because being a comedian is also not a super stable job, and they create an agency called JJ Creative Services, which includes making up jingles for ads (it actually kind of makes sense – music + corny comedy = TV ad jingles). They they get into being radio DJs for a show called Rush Hour Renegades, and finally Jesse becomes the owner of The Smash Club, a nightclub that probably the hippest place in town because it’s all ages and bands like Stephanie’s I Saw The Sign group play there all the time. Plus, he’s the frontman of Jesse and the Rippers (who are huge in Japan) .Not to mention he’s got the job of being a father to twins. That’s a lot. You know who else had a lot of jobs throughout the run of a TV series? Kirk from Gilmore Girls. And even weirder – like Jesse Cochran-turned-Katsopolis, Kirk was initially Mick in the first ep he was ever on. Maybe they’re related or BFFs in an alternate universe.
Why Do Grown Ass Men Hate Kimmy
Kimmy’s not the easiest pill to swallow. She makes it easy to make fun of her with her quirky antics and stinky feet. But when you’re a man in your 30s helping to raise three children, and one of those kid’s best friends lives next door and is at your house all the time, maybe don’t make fun of her all the time? Danny, Jesse and Joey are constantly taking swipes at Kimmy as if they’re in elementary school and they’re picking on the nerdy girl in class. Is it for comic relief? Yes. Is it subconsciously the guys accepting Gibbler as one of their own (only you can make fun of your family, etc.)? Maybe. Still not ok.
The Magic Attic
This is the Full House house:
This is the attic Jesse and Becky and their twins and a grand piano lived:
The Smash Club. Rigby. Ranger Joe. Mr. Egghead. Waaaakkkkee Up! If any of these things sound familiar to you or speak to your soul on a deep level, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the first of an entire week of posts dedicated to beloved 90s sitcom Full House. Each day, we’re covering a different topic on FH, leading up to the premiere of the much-anticipated spin-off, Fuller House, on Friday.
Today, we’re reminiscing about some of the most memorable, crazy, and downright ridiculous plot lines that appeared on the eight seasons of Full House. Back in the day, shows had *full* jam-packed seasons, with 20-26 episodes over the course of about nine months. It’s not like these days when shows have 13-episode seasons. There was a lot of ground to cover and a lot of stories that had to be made up when watching on a TV set was your only option for small screen entertainment, and that meant getting to break stories that would’ve been cut if it were 2016. But, there’s still a lot of quality plot lines covered over the course of the 192 episodes they filmed, and here are just some of our favorites.
Season 1
Episode 11 – The Big 3-0
Danny is turning 30, which is our age, which is horrifying… but more on that later in the week. Okay, so Danny gets a midlife crisis (SHUTUP, MILLER-BOYETT PRODUCTIONS), and in the grand tradition of sitcoms, he also gets a midlife crisis car, Bullet. Jesse tries to buy seat covers for Bullet but accidentally drives it into the bay instead, arriving at the Tanner home with a zombie-car. The next day, Jesse and Joey get into a bidding war over a replacement Bullet, but the bidder on the other end of the phone is Danny.
The entire episode is an origin story for the Tanner’s drive across the bridge in the opening credits.
Episode 13 – Sisterly Love
D.J. has a stellar performance in a school production of the Frog Prince, and Danny scores her an audition for a cereal commercial. Stephanie accidentally swoops in, steals the limelight, and gets cast in the commercial. First of all, if I were DJ I would have been furious, too. Second, as someone who used to act as a kid, this isn’t how auditions work (I still remember my grandma saying “why don’t you bring your cousin to that commercial audition?” Um, how about because she’s NOT INVITED. And doesn’t have headshots or anything. And is cuter than me.) The episode comes to a head with Deej and Steph chasing each other around the table yelling “Stephanie Judith!” “Donna Jo Margaret!” as Steph wears a KILLER dress. I believe this is when we learned the girls’ middle names. Very exciting.
Oat Boats looks like boring, generic mom-approved cereal, anyway.
Season 2
Episode 1 – Cutting It Close
Stephanie accidentally cuts a chunk of Jesse’s treasured hair, which seems like more of a Michelle thing but whatever. On the way back from getting it fixed, Jesse gets into a motorcycle accident, totals his bike and breaks both arms. Although everything that happened to him was horrible, what stands out in my memory is Jesse, both arms outstretched in casts, being a TOTAL DICK to Stephanie, a small motherless child.
Season 3
Episode 11 – Aftershocks
When Stephanie gets really clingy to Danny, nobody can figure out that she’s traumatized because there was an earthquake and Danny was late getting home. The good: they show Stephanie visiting a child psychiatrist, which probably was a great way to normalize that for kids in the 80s. The bad: nobody seems to realize that after losing her mom at a young age, Steph’s maybe going to react poorly when she thinks her dad is in danger.
Also there are kind of a lot of car wreck/ totaled car plots in this show. Keep reading.
Episode 20 – Honey, I Broke the House
Joey gets a brand new car (it’s from 1963) and becomes a hardcore motorhead. Like there was a small nick on it and he went to get touch-up paint to fix it. Unfortunately for him, he was in for quite a nightmare when Stephanie gets behind the driver’s seat when he’s not around and mistakes the ‘R’ on the stick (lever?) for ‘Radio’, and the car goes at a faster speed than it should in reverse (?) and straight into the house. She panics and says she’s leaving for Mexico, obviously, but ends up at Becky’s house. And in one of the most memorable shots from the series, Steph hides from Uncle Jesse by putting herself in a long coat hanging from the door. The reveal of Jesse face to face with Steph is such a classic sitcom move that warms my heart.
Episode 24 – Our Very First Telethon
Danny and Becky are hosting the We Love Our Children telethon, because the organizer of this fundraiser was too lazy to come up with a creative title for the event. Danny makes his kids participate in this 24-hour telethon, and while we get a glimpse of Steph’s dance skills, we also get a glimpse of Deej’s singing AND grocery shopping talents with a song called Lollipops & Gummibears. Is this a real song? Or something especially crafted for two wholesome kids to sing on a family sitcom in 1990? Also, it’s worth noting this ep suggests there is more than one telethon but, guess what we don’t see for the next five seasons? Another telethon.
Season 4
Episode 1 – Greek Week
The Tanners’ Greek relatives visit: Jesse’s grandparents, their great-granddaughter Melina (Olsen twin stunt casting), and some random woman and child who happen to be Jesse and D.J.’s ages. D.J. walks around the table with the Greek boy, then learns that that means that she’s married to him. It’s one of those 90s sitcom moments where they act like countries other than the U.S. are stuck somewhere in the mid-1800s. Luckily, Deej gets a quickie divorce (read: walks backwards around the table.) OPA!
Episode 8 – Shape Up
Kimmy is having a pool party, and since Deej is a 13-year-old Cathy comic she is terrified about showing up in her bathing suit. D.J. grows one of those sitcom-induced 24-hour eating disorders. Things I still remember about this episode after 25 years: Michelle getting to go to that cool kiddie gym in a gymboree-style aerobics outfit; Deej snacking on ice cubes; Michelle cramming wedding cake samples into her mouth like a feral child; D.J. telling Comet that dogs don’t have to wear bathing suits, which is true but that’s because they’re always naked instead; Stephanie blowing a piece of gum out of a recorder in a particularly weak B-story. This episode aired during the interlude between Karen Carpenter and Tracey Gold when eating disorders were cured by a talk about how bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
Season 5
Episode 7 – The Volunteer
D.J. makes an elderly friend who has Alzheimers, even though she’s in junior high, just because that seems like a pretty D.J. thing to do. She breaks her old friend Eddie out of the nursing home and he comes to the Tanner’s house, where he becomes confused and thinks that Deej is his daughter, Gloria. Eddie stays for dinner and is never heard from again. Meanwhile, Steph and Kimmy stage a dog show for all of the dogs in the neighborhood, which is probably why this episode stands out in my memory. So many dogs! Comet does not win, but he does fall in love with another dog (who is also never heard from again).
Episode 16 – Crushed
It’s Steph’s 10th birthday and her one wish is that pop star/teen heartthrob Tommy Page, who is a guest on Wake Up, San Francisco, comes to her party. BTW, Tommy Page is A) a real singer B) Still a real singer and continues to tour! Luckily, Danny’s one step ahead of Steph and surprises her by having him show up and sing a song specifically for her, making her think he likes her back. But then she sees Deej kissing him and the siblings are at war. But like, why is this pop star making out with a rando 15 year old at a 10 year old girl’s party???
Season 6
Episode 14 – Birthday Blues
D.J. and Steve are celebrating their 6 month anniversary, which in high school terms is like their 50th anniversary. Deej is so into Steve that she forgets that it’s Kimmy’s Sweet 16. She throws a makeshift party, and – the only important thing in the episode – makes Kimmy a hash brown and ketchup cake. To this day, I use the hash brown cake as shorthand for forgetting to make plans for someones birthday and throwing together a crappy present or party. D.J. has a dad talk with Danny, then Kimmy has a dad talk with D.J., and everything’s fine.
Episodes 23 & 24 – The House Meets the Mouse, Parts 1 & 2
Season 6 is jam packed with great episodes, but the finale where the entire Tanner clan goes to Disney World has to be one of the most iconic in series’ history. A lot goes on in this ep, but in a nutshell, Jesse and the Rippers are hired to play at show at Disney World and it incidentally coincides with his and Becky’s anniversary, so they decide to go together. But then, because it’s Full House and they are all attached to the hip, the entire extended fam goes. Michelle wins Princess for the Day and Steph is jealous. Danny keeps trying to propose to Vicky. Joey, yet again gets the short end of the stick and is alone visiting the Disney animation studios because ABC/Disney need to have synergy on their programs, and Deej misses Steve so much she hallucinates that he’s basically every Disney character. Including Aladdin, which is weirdly meta since Scott Weinger actually did voice Aladdin IRL. This is such a memorable episode in FH history that even to this day, when I go on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, I think Steve’s going to pop out and surprise me.
Season 7
Episode 5 – Fast Friends
Steph is now in sixth grade with not a lot of friends due to redistricting ala FNL, and she wants to make ‘Fast Friends’. So naturally, she falls into the trope of a group of bad girls, led by Gia aka Marla Sokoloff, who is 2 cool 4 skool, and proves it by smoking in the bathroom. For me, it’s difficult to make fun of this since I understand it’s like a life lesson they want to teach kids watching the show, because now I’m seeing it through the lens of an adult.
Episode 9 The Day of the Rhino
When Michelle and her rag-tag gang of moppets receive paltry little action figures when they were ordering a giant rhino doll, they learn a thing or two about advertising and another thing or two about civic resistance. The kiddos go to Rigby the Rhino’s mall performance and chant “Rigby Is A Ripoff!” Rigby makes it all right by tracking down Michelle at her home, giving her a stuffed toy, and offering replacements to all of the kids who got the ripoff Rigbys.
Next time you read a think piece about how millennials are at once entitled, but also principled and engaged, think of this episode: we’ve been like this since we were 7.
Episode 17 The Last Dance
Papouli, the Tanners’ great-grandfather who the kids have only met one other time, visits and dies. Michelle is devastated because he was supposed to teach Greek dance to her class, but eventually she gathers her resolve and does it herself. As a child I was kind of like, sure it’s sad, but wasn’t Papouli a stranger, more or less? But now that we’re watching through our adult lens, this episode was a good way to introduce the death of a family member in a way that kids could relate to, but that wasn’t as traumatic as, like, killing Joey.
Season 8
Episode 3 – Making Out Is Hard To Do
In a weird parallel universe, Barry Williams, aka Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch, is playing himself and replaces Jesse as the frontman of Jesse and the Rippers. Naturally, Jesse gets a bit jeal, because who wouldn’t be if a ’70s TV star took over your job? Also this is the episode where Steph goes to a make out party (hence the title). When I was watching this, I thought this was a real thing teens did. I showed up to boy/girl parties and was greatly disappointed. Or was I just not invited to the ‘cool’ parties?
Episode 11 – Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen
In the show’s final Christmas episode, Michelle decides she needs to exchange the plastic tie with cup holders on it for a legit present for her dad, and she and Jesse go to the novelty store where she got them from. But the owner, played by Mickey Rooney, is a curmudgeonly old man who refuses to exchange the gift and comes to the conclusion Jess and Michelle are thieves, so he locks them in his store. Otherwise known as holding them hostage. But it’s ok because he’s Mickey Rooney and it turns out he’s just misplacing his anger because he hasn’t seen his daughter and family in years. Jesse and Michelle invite him to have Christmas dinner with the Tanners, and Mickey Rooney dresses up like Santa. The casting of Mickey Rooney was really a coup, since he was is in high demand for TGIF shows in the 90s. JK what was he even doing there.
Welcome to our second installment of our year-long Cheers Chats series, where we travel back in time to revisit one of the most acclaimed and revered sitcoms in history, Cheers. Incidentally, today’s post comes a couple days before we get to see the Cheers cast reunited once again for Must See TV: A Tribute to James Burrows. Or, you may know it as the “Friends reunion” aka five of the six friends got together on a couch (not at Central Perk) to talk about their beloved director Jimmy Burrows. The cast of Cheers sat on the same couch and had a similar conversation about their time on the show with James. At this point, only eight episodes into the first season of Cheers, we’re not as emotionally involved as we are with Friends, a show that shaped our youth. But despite that, we are both greatly enjoying our binge of Cheers a mere 30+ years later, so we’ll check back at the end of the year and freak out about the following reunion at the James Burrows tribute:
Anyways, back to season one. Last time we covered the Pilot, and this time we’re on Season 1, Episode 8: Truce or Consequences (We’re going by this list from AV Club if you’re wondering what our plan of attack is). There is some serious girl power in this ep, so get ready for a lot of Carla and Diane talk.
Episode 1.08: Truce or Consequences
Netflix synopsis: When the constantly bickering Carla and Diane call a truce over drinks, Diane loosens up and professes her desire for a friend.
M: The only friends I can think of are her bookish chum who showed up in the last episode (which made me wonder if, as college educated single ladies, we would have been like Diane and Diane’s Friend in the 80s??), and, of course, Sam.
T: I do find myself trying to figure out which one of the characters I’m most like on this show, and I usually err to the side of Diane. Fantasy: Carla. Reality: Diane.
Chit-Chat Club
(Off-topic Cheers chatter.)
T: I just realized that all of these episodes so far have been bottle episodes, which could be its secret weapon.
M: I think you’re really onto something, and I wonder if this will keep up for the whole series? This also explains why we weren’t interested in it as kids: a group of adults talking in a dark bar every week.
T: Now that we are adults, talking with a group of friends in a dark bar that’s not a nightclub sounds like a dream.
Bahhston Tahhlk
T: Coach says he’s never driven home alone before? The man is like 60 years old. Then Norm offers to let him drive him to Kenmore (which isn’t too far from the Cheers bar) then take a cab back to the bar. This seems ridiculous. I guess that’s the point.
M: Was about to question whether Coach just hangs out at the bar and doesn’t drink, then I remembered that the answer is yes. Because he works there. Shouldn’t some of these people be taking the T, anyway?
T: Yes! They should be taking the T! No one lives in this area except rich people like John Kerry. That’s a fact. When Molly came to visit me in Boston, we stood outside his brownstone and took a pic.
M: I probably don’t even have to say this, but it was 2005.
Carla’s My Boo
T: Carla (under the influence of the Leap Into an Open Grave) starts telling Diane she has a secret, and wants to get it off her chest but doesn’t know if she can trust her. Carla decides to go for it, and the way she’s telling the story makes me think it’s all a joke and she’s gonna yell PSYCHE at the end. She does not. She tells Diane that years ago, Sam got drunk, she drove him home, one thing led to another, and nine months later Sam’s son Gino was born. WHERE IS THE PUNCHLINE.
Carla’s never told anyone. I feel like this is a test. Is Diane even going to remember this?
M: Is Gino Sam’s April Nardini? Because usually they don’t pull that shit in Season One.
“Question: Who is my dad?”
FYI, in an earlier episode Carla says that she gets pregnant if you wink at her so at least they’re keeping her character consistent.
Shut Up, Diane
(We just have a feeling we’re going to be saying Shut Up, Diane at our screens KIND OF A LOT.)
M: Since the pilot, one of my favorite things is the Carla/Diane rivalry. It’s also how I came to start to almost like Diane. Carla said that Diane wasn’t blonde in college, and Diane growled something like “look in the yearbook, Carla. Carla. Look. In the yearbook.” It was like Leslie Knope serving it to Eagleton.
T: They hug and Diane starts singing People because of this moment they’re sharing. I don’t find myself making up with rivals too often, but I can tell you I won’t be singing any Barbra Streisand during the make-up sesh.
M: I was really warming to her, but nope. SHUT UP DIANE is still a necessary Cheers Chats feature.
Also why does Diane act so traumatized by this news? She knows Carla has a bunch of kids with different fathers. File under: Diane is impossibly prissy.
M: Carla told Diane the story knowing she’d blab it everywhere, so basically an entire episode based on the Shut Up, Diane premise.
T: It’s like we wrote her character from start to finish based on the pilot alone.
M: Sam snaps “Stay out of it, Diane” which is a Shut Up, Diane of his own.
Little Ditty About Sam & Diane
T: BTW since the pilot, it’s becoming more clear that Sam & Diane are feelin each other. Like in the way that Sam gets jealous of men interested in Diane and vice versa.
M: Also, these little gestures…. like, Diane playfully unties Sam’s waist apron in lieu of totally doing it with him. Diane. Sam. Do it.
T: Oh Sam comes in to save the day, Diane is passed out in an “Open Grave” drink and he offers to take her home. Carla explains that she “told the biggest lie I could think of and she started to sing!”
T: Diane’s hangover acting is not good. She can’t find the hook on the coat rack. She’s hungover not blind.
T: Diane def remembers the lie Carla told her about Gino and tries to hint to Sam that she knows the secret. COME ON DIANE.
M: Diane: who put my pajamas on? Me: SAM AND DIANE. Do it.
Pour It Up, Pour It Up
(Drinks at the bar)
“We call it ‘Leap Into an Open Grave’ all the liquor some OJ, an egg, blended.” In these ridic glasses. They look like fishbowls you’d try to shoot a ping pong ball into at a carnival.
Say It Again, Sam
(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)
Carla to Diane – “Listen pencil neck, you’re starting to get on my nerves!”
Sam to Diane and Carla: “Two women who hate each other left alone in a room with glass and alcohol.”
Diane to Carla: Let’s have a bottle of wine. I think we have your favorite, Chateau Guam?
Carla to Diane: You hold your secrets like you hold your booze
Women fighting is very unlady like. Unless of course they’re wallowing around in mud pits.
Diane, re: Carla: I reached out to this “little twerp”
Carla: You sound like a lady getting tired of her teeth. (Ed. note: Whenever Carla gets feisty she sounds like one of the mean orphans in Annie.)
Cheers Queries
T: Diane and Carla haven’t been getting along over the past few episodes, I just didn’t realize it was bad enough for them to have a sit down convo?
M: Yeah, I thought they were just being snarky at each other, like it’s their love language.
T: Sam and Carla start hysterically laughing because they both know that Gino is ugly and so is her husband I feel uncomfortable about this. They’re laughing at a seven year old kid because he’s ugly?
M: It’s less bad because they don’t show him. Kind of like Karen’s stepchildren in Will & Grace (or did they show them eventually?)
It is kind of refreshing that Carla can laugh at her own kid being ugly, since the popular thing now is for parents to think their kids are gorgeous even when they’re not. Note: I may just be saying that because Carla’s my boo.
Barfly Fashion
Everyone has great winter sweaters on. It reminds me of the sweaters we had to wear as a uniform in high school.
Carla and her bright red pants
Carla’s shirt with random shapes on it:
Also, all of the women have fluffy Q-tip hair (the bathroom tool, not the rapper/actor).
The 2016 Grammy Awards are tonight – the messy, reckless, unpredictable party of the awards season, where the actual awards take a backseat to the outfits, rivalries, and performances. It’s bound to be the highlight of our Monday nights this year, especially with the amazing slate of nominees. This playlist contains only songs by 2016 Grammy nominees, so listen to it to evaluate the potential winners and get psyched up for tonight’s awards. Then, tune in tonight to witness the awards first hand!
Nominee: Sam Hunt (Best New Artist, Best Country Album)
Song: Take Your Time
Y’all. If you are not acquainted with Sam Hunt yet – GET ON IT NOW. He’s a former college football player-turned-singer/songwriter-turned solo country singing superstar. He’s got so much working for him – he’s got a great voice, he can talk/rap (?) and make it sound cool, his songs are on fiiiire, and he is the most attractive crooning angel in country music. This song is baby makin’ music right here. If you want more, listen to the entire Montevallo album. Speakers. That’s all I’m saying.
Nominee: Disclosure (Best Dance/Electronic Album)
Song: Magnets ft. Lorde
The second I heart Latch by Disclosure & Sam Smith, I was hooked. Their Caracal album is an EDM/pop dream. In Magnets, Lorde brings her seductive/creepy tone to a dope beat that you can’t stop listening to.
Nominee: Kendrick Lamar (Album of the Year, Song of the Year, Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Dance Recording, Best Rap Performance, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, Best Rap Song, Best Rap Album, Best Music Video)
Song: Alright
Kendrick has the most Grammy nominations this year with 11, so chances are he’s going to walk away with one. Or two. Or almost all of them. Kendrick has a way of bringing life into every single song he records, whether it be through the inspiring and moving lyrics or multi-genre-infused instrumentals that prove he’s a true artist. With Alright, this has become not just a song but an anthem for millions, and that is the mark of a music icon.
Nominee: Florence + The Machine (Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Rock Performance, Best Rock Song, Best Recording Package)
Song: Hiding
Florence made us wait four long years before releasing a new album, and it was well worth it. How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful has more of an ethereal vibe to it than her previous records, but I’m not complaining. Hiding is actually a bonus track that happens to be one of my favorite tracks so here it is.
Nominee: Miguel (Best R&B Song, Best Urban Contemporary Album)
Song: coffee
Nothing can top Miguel’s Grammy-winning song Adorn – in fact, topping his amazing 2012 album Kaleidoscope Dream is hard too, but coffee is a strong follow up. It channels the same feels from Adorn, but with a little more flair, and I’m so here for it.
Bonus:
Amy Poehler – Yes Please (the audiobook) because SHE’S GRAMMY NOMINEE, AMY POEHLER. I’ve only read the book and not listened to it, but based on this small clip, I want to give her all the Grammys. And because we’re still obsessed with Hamilton and excited about their performance at the show, I’ll also plug one of the many favorites off the album, Non-Stop. I mean that ending, tho.
Molly’s Picks
Nominee: Hamilton (Best Musical Theatre Album)
Song: Wait For It
There’s no real best or worst tracks from the Hamilton cast recording, because it’s all very, very good. However, Helpless and Wait For It are the two songs that I think stand best on their own – if you aren’t familiar with the musical, don’t like musicals, or are just going to listen to one track instead of taking the whole two-act journey. Both remind me of the best parts of late-90s R&B.
As I write this I realize that Traci will probably pick a song from Hamilton too, but we’re basically a Hamilton blog now so I think that’s appropriate.
Nominee: Alabama Shakes ( Album Of The Year, Best Alternative Music Album, Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical, Grammy Award for Producer of the Year, Non-Classical )
Song: Don’t Wanna Fight
Here’s a moment you realize you’re getting older: an artist appears on Saturday Night Live and you’ve never heard any of their songs. That was me with Alabama Shakes in 2015. I love the old-school Southern rock and bluesy vocals, mixed with a modern synth sound. Not ALL of their songs are exactly my cup of tea, but you can’t deny that they deserve their place with the other nominees.
Nominee: Taylor Swift
Song: I Wish You Would
I’m probably supposed to be embarrassed about this, but I sort of like Taylor Swift. I don’t think her live performances are amazing, but she has a better grasp of how to write a really great pop song than most artists out there – in fact, she was under contract as just a songwriter as a teen. New!Taylor also knows who to partner with: I always thought I Wish You Would had sort of a Haim vibe, but it was actually produced with Jack Antonoff (fun) which works, too.
Nominee: James Bay (Best New Artist, Best Rock Album, Best Rock Song)
Song: Hold Back The River
I think James Bay is really excellent and is sort of this year’s Hozier, not that Hozier is going anywhere. I hope he sticks around for a good while and I really think he will. I have copied and pasted three different songs into this list so you really can’t go wrong with the entire album.
Nominee: Kacey Musgraves (Best Country Album)
Song: Biscuits
Kacey Musgraves is the future of country, and I like it. In a lot of ways she’s a throwback to the sassy, non-P.C. country of Loretta Lynn. Heck, one of Kacey’s early songs includes the lyric “my idea of heaven is to burn one with John Prine.” Other than the release of her album, one of Musgraves’ biggest moments in 2015 was performing Follow Your Arrow at an NPR Tiny Desk Concert the day the marriage equality decision came down. I don’t think Pageant Material got as much radio play as it maybe should have on country stations, but it didn’t go overlooked at the Grammys.
Let’s take it back. It’s 1982, we’re not alive, and maybe you aren’t either. The wacky, Studio 54-era disco-and-drugs ’70s were over, but the serious perm and shoulderpad business of the ’80s hadn’t really started. If you wanted to pitch a tv show about normal-looking people who wear a lot of brown and go to a bar sometimes, you were right in the zeitgeist. That’s the world that gave us Cheers.
Okay, now let’s take it … well, a little bit less back: August 2015. We got together to knock out a quick Pop Culture Blind Spots post. Neither of us had seen Cheers and together we were going to change that. By the end of the pilot, we were absolutely obsessed with this 33-year-old show that everybody else already knew was good. It became clear that we needed to devote more than a single post to Sam (The Luke Danes of 1980s Boston), Diane (Shut Up, Diane), Our Boo, Carla and all the others who we’d prefer you not tell us about because we haven’t seen the whole series yet, thanks. We shelved the post until we had more time to devote to the series.
So here’s what’s up: the last Friday of every month we’ll be posting Cheers Chats, where we discuss the top-ranked episodes of the 1980s smash hit, Cheers. Come join us, because our love for this neighborhood bar and grill is only going to grow. If you love the show too, or are watching along, jump into the comments … because sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.
Episode 1.01: Give Me A Ring Sometime
For starters, here’s our collective Cheers knowledge:
It’s Boston
They’re in a bar.
Sam and Diane are a thing, maybe. Like Ross and Rachel?
Norm is the mailman. No, scratch that – CLIFF. Cliff is the mailman.
Norm is George Wendt – aka Jason Sudeikis’ uncle. He is a barfly. Barfly’s a word right?
It’s just that “barfly” looks like it would be pronounced “Barflee” and would be the name of a mischievous dog on a PBS sitcom from the 90s (which originally aired on CBC).
Frasier is a spin-off of Cheers. (Traci typed this; Molly exclaimed “yes, that’s right!” like a child correctly recited the Alphabet for the first time. I repeat: we did not watch Cheers.)
Chit-Chat Club
(Off-topic Cheers chatter.)
M: Netflix says Cheers is from 1992. Like … is it sure? I feel like this started in the late 80s and that I was super, super little when it was on. I also felt like it was one of those shows that ran for a million seasons.
T: 1992 is 23 YEARS ago. That is a college graduate.
M: WE WERE RIGHT. 1982 – 1993. 1992 is neither of those years. It’s just … a year. We were 6. Home Alone 2 came out. I wore a lot of stirrup pants.
T: Who do we write to about this? Mr. Netflix? I’ve got a strongly worded comment box for you.
T: This is the first time we’ve live-blogged together in the same room. And it’s weird.
M: I feel like we’re about to turn it into the chit-chat club up in here and forget to type.
This Theme Song
We love this tune by super well-known singer/songwriter Gary Portnoy, but in the pilot, they play the theme song for real and it sounds kind of depressing? Maybe it’s the old-timey cartoon illustrations of folks in the 1900s in the opening credits (because they’re like, all dead)? Either way, this song still holds up.
Later on, they do that thing where they play the theme song, but instrumental and sad, before what would have been the commercial break.
Bahhston Tahhlk
Last week, Seth Meyers did this absolutely brilliant sketch about actors and Boston accents and it is so incredibly dead on. In saying that, not everyone in Boston has an accent, and if they do, it’s not always thick. At one point in the pilot, this kid attempting to get a beer at the bar says, “How bout a beeahh (beer), chief?” Stop exaggerating. Like, did he “Park his car in Hahhvahd Yahhd” too?? (NO ONE DOES THIS).
Also, it felt like everyone was talking like they’re from a 1930s movie. At one point, it felt so garbled that we had to rewind three times then turn on closed captioning to figure out what they’re saying ( it was: How long is the wimp convention in town?”). Again, everyone is very muffled, like if you listened to that 1930s movie through one headphone.
The Luke Danes of 1980s Boston
So Ted Danson – kind of a hottie? We never really put too much thought into him before, but NOW we are. You want to know why? Because Molly realized that Sam Malone is such a Luke Danes (Traci promptly shrieked “That’s why!” and dissolved into laughter upon this epiphany. She also started sweating because of this fact). (Note: That was very diplomatic of her, but if Traci was sweating that’s because it was August and 90 degrees and I don’t have an air conditioner. Enjoy the cooling breeze of a BOX FAN, friends! – M)
The Netflix description for the pilot reads: “Sam Malone, an ex-baseball player turned bar owner, operates a saloon that’s always filled with quirky customers and even more eccentric staff.” Hey, you know who ELSE played baseball?
scott was seriously too handsome to be a baseball player. he needed to share his good looks with the rest of the world as an actor.
GUYS I CAN’T UNSEE IT. I CANNOT. Also, does that make Diane Lorelai? Let’s dissect this – Diane’s husband-to-be is a professor at BU who references Proust – MAX MEDINA, MUCH?? And at some point, Sam gives Diane a drink JUST LIKE LUKE GIVING LORELAI COFFEE.
Unrelated to Luke Danes, Sam is a recovering alcoholic who owns a bar. In season 7, are we going to see a dark storyline of Sam battling his demons and has to go to rehab? (Read: Ted Danson filmed Three Men and a Little Lady). Probably. Picturing a Bailey Salinger plotline.
Carla’s My Boo
Rhea Perlman busts into the bar and immediately goes on a rant:
“OK, I’m late! My kid was throwing up all over the place. You don’t buy that excuse, I quit. I don’t work for a man who has no compassion for my children. And you’re not exactly swamped here. I’m usually punctual. If you don’t like it, fine. This ain’t such a great job. I’m gonna change.”
A) Love her already.
B) She’s younger than we remembered.
C) She’s clearly the feminist of the show. Later on, she suggests to Diane that she stop waiting around for her fiance to come and just leave him. This coming from a woman whose husband used her to go to TV repair school then left her and their 4 kids behind once he graduated. All day Carla. All Day. Forever.
LLOL
(We used the LLOL acronym when we’d talk on AIM as teens – it means LITERALLY laughing out loud, as opposed to LOL as the typographic version of a smirk)
We genuinely LOLed throughout this entire episode. Like way more than we typically would during a pilot.
Exhibit A:
Carla, after answering the phone: “Who isn’t here?”
Every male sitting at the bar in the middle of the day: “ME!”
Exhibit B:
Cliff: Women have fewer sweat glands than men, but they’re larger, more active. Consequently, they sweat more… (To Diane) How about you, miss? What are your perspiration patterns?
Exhibit C:
Sam: Still working on that novel?
Coach: Yeah, coming on six years now. I got a feeling I might finish it tonight.
Diane: You’re writing a novel?
Coach: No, reading one.
One-Hit Wonders
(Characters we don’t expect to be seeing again.)
This episode features Diane and her version of Rachel’s dentist husband. We hadn’t bothered to remember his name, which is a sign he might not be returning for the rest of the series.
T: Also, I haven’t even bothered to remember Diane’s fiance’s name. I’m assuming he’s gone by the end of this episode.
M: Same. Barry, for now?
T: Barry it is.
M: Where Everybody Knows Your Name… except Traci and Molly. Who don’t care. He is very old.
T: Barry is going out to talk to his ex-wife, and leaves Diane behind, but why is he leaving her in a bar by herself in Boston? This bar is not the only place to visit in the city.
M: Old North Church is open, like, all the time.
T: EW DIANE’S FIANCE’S NAME IS ‘SUMNER’
Carla (answering phone): Cheers. Just a minute. (To Barry) If you’re not, I apologise, but is your name Sumner Sloane?
Barry/Sumner: Yes, it is.
Carla: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Shut Up, Diane
(We just have a feeling we’re going to be saying Shut Up, Diane at our screens KIND OF A LOT.)
Diane’s got a book out and a bunch of pencils while sitting at the bar. GO TO THE LIBRARY, DIANE. To add more to the Gilmore Girls parallel, Diane could also be one of Paris’s friends, Louise and/or Madeline. Or Lindsay’s crazy mom Theresa. Or the mom who convinced Luke and Lorelai to speak at Stars Hollow High for career day.
Diane and Sumner act rich, even though we’re pretty sure professors don’t make that much money.
Diane uses the bar phone to cancel the flight reservations to Barbados since Sumner hasn’t come back. A) a PHONE. B) She knew the number to the airline by heart? C) She immediately got through to a customer representative? She says she wants to change the flight reservations and Traci screams ‘THEY’RE ON IT!’ As in that dumb Sumner took his ex-wife to Barbados on his wedding day to Diane. Not even mad that we called it.
Diane says “now look, Buster!” because this sitcom was written by a man at a typewriter wearing a trilby with one of those journalist tags in it.
Sam ends up hiring Diane to be a waitress after Barry/Sumner leaves her, but why is she acting like a hostess? I thought bars don’t have hostesses? All Day Carla would NEVER.
Little Ditty About Sam & Diane
T: We’re at the first scene between Sam and Diane and TBH, I ship it already. Why am I so into Ted Danson right now??
Barfly Fashion
Diane. It is your first day on the job. What are you wearing? This plaid peasant shirt. Why is the apron so short? Is this a denim skirt? And with these knee highs?
This elderly lady is living her BEST LIFE. In a wheelchair, wearing a fancy hat, and sipping on a beer. Goals.
We are Team Carla All Day, but can we just discuss this empty purse? She’s a mother of 4, why is it filled with nothing. Also these pants. V 80s.
Cheers Cheers
(Raising a glass to our new favorite old sitcom.)
We literally had to adjust the TV set during Cheers because we thought it was too dark. The TV was fine. The show is dark. That’s also why we weren’t watching it in 1992. Too dark, no appeal to 6-year-olds. But now we’ve seen it, and while we shouldn’t feel surprised that the most beloved sitcom pilot of all time is good, here we both are. Those 22 minutes went by so fast, which is what we were afraid was going to happen. Looks like we’ll both be binging on Cheers for the next several months. Like Sam of two years ago, we think we may have a problem (too soon?).
Next Up: We are basing our watch list off of AV Club’s 10 Episodes That Show How Cheers Stayed Great For 11 Seasons (plus one, because the Pilot didn’t make the cut). We’re going chronologically, so stop by next month when we’ll discuss Episode 1.08, Truce Or Consequences.
Cookies + Sangria 