Author Archives: Traci

Pop Culture Blind Spot: Ghost

Posted in Entertainment by

In honor of it being October and all, I figured my Pop Culture Blind Spot should be Halloween appropriate, hence, Ghost… Get it? This is the movie where they’re all dressed like this, right?

JK, I’m not that dumb.

I somehow missed out on a bunch of hit 80s/early 90s movies, as evidenced from my last post about Dirty Dancing (am I secretly on a Patrick Swayze binge? Maybe). But Ghost was also re-brought to my attention recently after listening to Aisha Tyler’s Girl on Guy podcast from May, when she interviews America’s favorite philandering fictional president, Fitzgerald Grant, aka Tony Goldwyn. If you have 2 hours to spare and are a Scandal/Fitz fan, you should probs listen to this (interview is here!). So they obviously discussed his role in Ghost, and I remembered that I haven’t actually seen the movie. Weirdly enough, my first real introduction was in the form of the musical adaptation during the national tour last year.

Prior to seeing the musical, I knew this about Ghost: Patrick Swayze is a ghost who maybe was dating Demi Moore and comes back to haunt her? Fitz from Scandal is the bad guy and Whoopi has a miscellaneous part.

And although I saw the musical recently, my knowledge is scant, Whoopi is a psychic and someone gets shot? Lit’rally saw it a year ago but don’t really remember what happened. I also figured the musical is a bit different from the OG movie.

So here we go – first time watching Ghost for real real – my body is ready for you young Fitz. (It’s on Netflix Instant if you want to follow along!)

Title credits are happening as the camera pans over a dark and dusty attic. It’s already more freaky sounding than I thought? It’s like the precursor to the Are You Afraid of the Dark? intro.

how

:03 TONY GODWYN ABS MAN HAS NOT CHANGED ALSo that was a typo. I somehow skipped the ‘L’ in Goldwyn but that’s gonna stay that way moving forward.

:05 The office office looks like Sterling Cooper in the 1980s. Patrick Swayze is Jon Hamm and Tony Godwyn is Pete Campbell. Except way hotter

:07 For some reason, they’re lifting an angel up into their apartment (FORESHADOWING??)

Forgot Demi’s name is Molly, and suddenly remembered the Molly, You in Danger Girl GIF. V excited about seeing its origin.

:10 Sam (PSwayze) is looking a little concerned, and tells Molly, “Whenever anything good in my life happens, I’m just afraid I’m gonna lose it.” More foreshadowing?!

:12 Even for 1990 that record player looks super futuristic.
 Ah yes, the pottery scene. I get why people think this is sexy but I’m just thinking how messy this is going to be and what a pain it’s going to be to clean up.

Wait they went from the pottery tutorial straight to having sex in the middle of their living room! But their hands are clean!!

:15 LOL at these old DOS screens Sam and Carl (T Godwyn) are using at work. How did we ever get stuff done on those things? Also, why type of company is this? A run-of-the-mill financial firm? I think I missed something.

Knowing Godwyn is the villain is totally changing how I’m watching him in this movie, because I’m looking for hints to his evilness now (this is along the same lines of why I hate spoilers). Per his interview with Aisha Tyler, Tony was recalling how during his audition, he was playing the Carl role as a sympathetic nice guy, but the director didn’t want him to do that, insisting that the viewers need to know he’s evil. But Tony argued, “‘I’m not doing that. You have to invest the audience in this character and make them hopefully fall in love with them and then the betrayal will be that much worse. You want to make them believe that I’m their (Molly & Sam’s) friend’. So I stuck to my guns and (director) Jerry was like, ‘You were right.'”

:19 Sam: “I say I love you all the time”, Molly: “No, you say Ditto.”

After seeing Macbeth on Broadway (Sam fell asleep), they walk home and talk about getting married when a guy appears from the shadows and attempts to rob Sam at gunpoint. Sam tries to retaliate and the mugger ends up shooting and subsequently killing him.

OK BUT ALSO why were you guys walking on a street with no street lights and at a leisurely pace late at night what did you think was gonna happen also how is it possible there’s no one out IT’S THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS.

:21 The blood looks so fake? There’s also a lot of it, but they take Sam to the hospital anyways.
:25 This old guy shows up to the hospital like hes been trolling the place forever and said of a guy doctors are attending to in the ER, ‘He’s not gonna make it. I’ve seen it a million times.’ What is the quality of this hospital?

Omg the special effects are like the magic school bus level when someone goes through Sam

:29 Molly & Sam’s cat just screamed and ran away after looking into Ghost Sam’s eyes. Nine lives and all, amirite?

:31 The mugger sneaks into Molly and Sam’s apartment looking for something, but let’s get down to it – why is there is so much crime in NY rn?

Molly comes back in and he sneakily watches her change her clothes. What a perv. GS manages to leverage the cat to jump and scratch the mugger, and he escapes because, he ain’t messin with no cat.

Molly hears noises (the mugger leaving her gd apartment) and says, “Is somebody there? Hello” YES SOMEONE’S THERE LOCK YOUR DOORS THERE IS CRIME

Well there’s one pro to being a ghost: free subway rides.

:35 This dude just attacks Ghost Sam because it’s “his train”??? Get a grip. Can’t a ghost just ride the train freely?

:38 Ghost Sam spots what I assume is Whoopi’s storefront as “Spiritual Advisor” who contacts the “dearly departed”. Is this the same thing as Long Island Medium?

This entire scene looks like a set up to steal customer Mrs. Santiago’s money. I mean look at Oda Mae’s outfit 
Also shouldn’t she be feeling the presence of Ghost Sam in the room? I wrote this script, it’s fine.

:44 “Are you white? It’s a white guy!” Oda Mae, getting to the bottom of things.

:47 Ghost Sam sings obnoxious diddies as a way to get Oda Mae to visit Molly so he can talk through her, including I’m Henry The Eighth I Am and 99 Bottles of Beer. Yup, he’s definitely white.

To be fair, both Molly & Oda Mae have vaild points in this – Molly doesn’t want to believe her dead boyfriend is talking through a rando “spiritual advisor”, while Oda Mae just wants to get this white guy out of her head.

:53 MOLLY – YOU IN DANGER, GIRL! I’M DYING THIS SCENE IS AMAZING I GET WHY WHOOPI WON AN OSCAR

Guys, Tony Goldwyn is SO HOT in this movie I cannot. But also, he hired this dude to steal Sam’s wallet but ended up murdering him? All for $80,000? Hope it was worth it.  Also how did Carl even get in contact with Willie Lopez?? Craigslist on the DOS?

1:06 Molly finds the penny in a jar Sam found the first day they were tearing down the apartment and smashes it to bits. RIP Sam. RIP lucky singular penny in a jar.

1:08 For selfish reasons, I would like to see Tony Godwyn in a sex scene right now, but preferably not with Molly because that would be horrible.

look at that face. look at that chest.

AS SOON AS I STOPPED TYPING THAT Carl purposefully spills HOT coffee on his shirt as an excuse to take it off and flaunt himself in front of Molly I’m dead. *Not as dead as Ghost Sam I asked for it and it started happening and I’m not okay with it. I just – what if Kerry Washington showed up and there was an Olitz scene I’d be fine with that. I’ve been watching too much Scandal.

1:12 Sam’s back on the train and sticking his head through the train in a hilarious fashion

Train Ghost is teaching him how to move objects.

“YOU AIN’T GOT A BODY NO MORE, SON” – Train Ghost, channeling Alexander Hamilton in Meet Me Inside

1:20 All the ‘spooks’ are in Oda Mae’s office because they somehow heard she can actually channel the dead. Some ghost named Orlando takes over Oda Mae’s body and Whoopi is killing it as this 50ish year old black guy. It’s legit as if this dude took over her body, it’s fantastic.

1:23 Ode Mae’s “I have a formal meeting at the bank to pass as someone who looks like they normally go to these meetings” outfit is *on fleek* 

Ghost Sam is instructing Oda Mae to get money out of some account before Carl can get to it and it requires him talking through her again and I would watch a spin off this if I could

1:30 Ghost Sam forces Oda Mae to give the $4 mil to some nuns, prompting her to say the second best quote in the movie:

Oda Mae Brown: I know you don’t think I’m giving this 4 million dollars to a bunch of nuns!
Sam: Think of it this way, you’ll go to Heaven.
Oda Mae Brown: I don’t want to go to Heaven, I want to go to the bank and cash a GODDAMN CHECK!

Carl checks on his account that he’s planning on swindling money from and he freaks out bc it’s not there and he’s literally sweating trying to find out where the money went

1:35 HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Carl is BUGGIN because Ghost Sam is haunting him, so he goes to Molly’s apartment, covered in sweat.

Molly Jensen: Carl, are you all right?
Carl Bruner: It’s just my stomach! Do you have anything like Pepto Bismol or something like that?
Sam Wheat: Cyanide!

Thanks to Train Ghost, Ghost Sam has mastered the art of touch animate objects, including people, so he pokes around at Carl, who looks like he could vom at any second. GS continues to punch Carl and even though I’ve never seen Roadhouse, I imagine it’s akin to this. Maybe that will be my next PCBS (Pop Culture Blind Spot), seeing as how I’m apparently on a Swayze streak.

1:39 Arsenio Hall cameo! 
“Don’t try to adjust your television, I’m black!” There’s a lot of race talk in this movie, which is interesting. I didn’t think that would be a recurring theme in Ghost.

1:41 Willie and Carl come looking for Oda Mae but she manages to escape. Willie on the other hand can’t escape Ghost Sam. He makes the books and art on the wallpapered walls come down towards Willie and they end up in the bathroom, where GS leaves Willie a sweet message:

And Willie decides to shoot at the mirror, because that will do the trick. Oh and Willie is dead. In a horrific accident that includes four vehicles, one of which runs him over. He becomes a ghost and sees Ghost Sam for the first time. All of a sudden what sounds like zombies are coming for Willie, then I realize he’s probs being taken off to hang with the Dev.

1:46 Oda Mae is still trying to get Molly to believe Ghost Sam is speaking to her, so he manages to “levitate” a penny (aka pick it up with his finger and hand it to her), but still, the 1990s special effects still make me laugh.

1:49 Oda Mae lets Sam take over her body a la Orlando from earlier and they cut it so Demi’s dancing with PSwayze to Unchained Melody and I might be crying a little

Ugh Cock Block Carl comes in during this tender moment, and Molly and Oda start running away from him, because he wants the check from Oda Mae, which as you remember, is being spent by those nuns from the street.

Yo Carl calm da fuq down, why do you have a gun and why are you trying to shoot at a ghost you can’t see??

For some reason, there’s still a lot of construction going on in their building, and their chase leads Ghost Sam and Carl to a part of the place where there is a hanging rope with a giant metal hook at the end, which Carl swings into NOTHING because he can’t see Ghost Sam, but it rebounds a second time, making glass from the window fall down onto Carl and impale him in the gut. Carl basically inflicted this upon himself.

You know, Ghost isn’t really about the supernatural, it’s a cautionary tale about greed.™ Life Lessons with Cookies + Sangria.

As a surprise to no one, Carl dies and goes to be Willie’s pal with the Dev in Hell. The foley artists probably had a blast making these groaning sounds the zombies/dementors make when taking someone away.

1:58 Ghost Sam checks in on Oda Mae and Molly, and surprise, surprise, Molls can actually see and hear him – because he’s about to go into the light. They have a super awkward “kiss” before he goes away for good, and legit his last words to her are, “See ya.”


And with that I say, it’s been quite a ride, P Swayze & Tony Godwyn. until next time.

 

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For The Peeple, Hated By The Peeple

Posted in Miscellany by

Last week, the Internet was up in arms (but when is it not) about a new app called Peeple, which lets you rate and review other people. It’s been called “Yelp for Humans”, which is how it’s being marketed around the web, hence the outrage among social media users who haven’t done any further research.

https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/649566110153510912?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

I’m definitely not defending this app, but I wanted to figure out why the founders of it wanted to make it in the first place. These two best friends, one in Canada, one in the U.S., were dedicated to “changing the way people can learn about each other online.” Their solution was Peeple, an app that “allows you to rate and comment about the people you interact with in your daily lives on the following three categories: personal, professional, and dating.”

Ok, seems easy enough. But, why sign up to do it? What is the goal to be accomplished here? According to these ladies, their mission is to “find the good in you”, and “enhance your online reputation for access to better quality networks, top job opportunities, and promote more informed decision making about people” – hence the personal, professional and dating categories.

They also stress that Peeple is a “positivity app for positive people”, and they’ve shown active support to the anti-bullying movement. But you’re wondering how that’s possible when people can just go to your profile and say anything they damn please, right? Well according to their website, if someone writes a negative review about you, it doesn’t go public on your profile right away, it goes to your inbox and you can then “work it out” with the person who left said review. You can also “report” people like on Twitter and Insta, etc. but negative reviews can still show up on your profile.

Also, you have to be 21 to join Peeple, and have a Facebook account and cell phone number to sign up. You also don’t have the option of taking yourself off Peeple.

So those are the facts. Here’s my opinion: I get what these ladies are trying to do. Create a safe space where others can talk about how good you are in a public forum. It’s like the LinkedIn section where employers and co-workers can back up your resume by writing a nice blurb. But in reality, this isn’t going to work. The environment on the Internet has changed so drastically, even within the past few years, that it’s seemingly impossible to create a “positive app for positive people”. Just because you call something “positive” doesn’t mean it’s going to be that. If I say this party I’m going to is going to be “awesome”, it’s not going to automatically be “awesome” since someone vommed near the doorway and it’s basically impossible to escape. Reviews on people are metaphorical vomit.

Plus, the nature of the app itself is wont for negativity. Even though it’s 21 and over, adults can be assholes too. And it’s not always straight out “this girl’s a bitch”, it can be even meaner than that, since grown-ups are strategic and know how to push your buttons. Also, shade.

It’s just not smart idea given the current Internet climate. Especially because it’s already gotten a lot of bad press. This tweet basically sums it up for me:

https://twitter.com/saraschaefer1/status/649449249864724480?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Peeple sets up users to basically judge the people they know, and this act of judging has become even more prevalent in our digital culture thanks to the simple technology of ‘the comments section’. But Peeple isn’t the first app to take on this idea of micromanaging criticisms. There’s an innocent one called the Kissing Test, where you lit’rally kiss the screen and it somehow tells you if you’re a pro, novice, or horrible. Similar to that, there’s the Passion app which will tell you how “good” you are in bed. Yup. Just set up the app and place the phone near (or on?) you during sex, and using the mic and other technologies I don’t understand, it will give you a score:

Then there’s the Gym Shamer, which will basically humiliate you publicly to friends on social media if you fail to reach your fitness goals that day.

Do we really need apps for any of this? How about instead of making a “positivity app for positive people”, we start with being positive IRL. And that’s a term all you people on the Internet will understand.

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On October 1st, He Asked Me What Day It Was

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It’s October 1st.

Do you guys feel like there’s a large majority of people that are particularly obsessed with this month? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy October, but there are folks who are in love with October. But I suppose they have good reason. While September marks a time when kids go back to school and it’s technically fall, October is kind of like the after-dinner mint of summer. Enough to signify summer’s done, but leaves you feeling like you need to order a slice of cake to fully get into dessert.

October is when it starts to cool down everywhere and there’s a literal shift in the air. We finally acquiesce to wearing more pants instead of skirts, ordering more hot coffee instead of iced, crockpots instead of ice cream makers. For some reason, there’s more of a deliberate move into fall throughout the month of October, with certain habits, routines and traditions we take on. These are just some of the things that get us through the month, and perhaps why October is thought to be the best of them all.

It’s October 3rd

Of course, we start off with National Mean Girls Day (not a real holiday, but most of those ‘National’ days aren’t anyways). It may not fall on a Wednesday this year, but Mean Girls devotees and Plastics everywhere will be wearing pink and Aaron Samuels/Jonathan Bennett will have his annual day of, ‘Hey guys, remember me? I still exist’ on social media.

Pumpkin Errything

If something says ‘Seasonal Item’ stamped across an item, it signals the impulse in our brains to BUY IT BUY ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW. From PSL to pumpkin pie Pringles to actual pumpkin pies, we tend to be inundated with orange everywhere… and for most of us, we give in.

And Then Swipe Left On This

Burger King announced they’re also getting in the October spirit by releasing something called the Halloween Whopper, which is basically their signature burg, but with a black bun. Said bun apparently has A1 steak sauce baked into it and has a black pepper flavor flav, and basically it’s disgusting. Just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you have to make your taste buds suffer.

Insta That Shit

For the non-California/West Coast residents, you get the privilege of seeing the leaves change colors to something out of a Bob Ross painting IRL. But instead of putting it on canvas, sharing these picturesque landscapes and feet crunching on the ground is perfect for social media.  #Foliage #Fall #Autumn #Leaves #Colors #ILoveFall 

It Gets Super Dark

I realize that we’re nearing the end of Daylight Savings Time, but it always, always catches me off guard when I look outside one second and it’s light out then next thing I know it’s pitch black. I leave work around 7p, so I’m used to the sun going down around the time I leave, but the past few days it’s been like a blackout. Like the picture above is me. #BlackoutSelfie.

Avoid The Candy

legit how i would organize my candy as a kid. i was a nerd.

As adults, Halloween becomes more about going out to parties and collecting alcohol as opposed to going out to strangers’ houses and collecting candy. And because we’re adults, we’re more apt to think, ‘I’m a grown ass man/woman, I can just buy a bag of candy any damn day I want!’. But then at work they have candy lying around and everywhere you look there’s free candy – next thing you know, you’re surrounded by wrappers and you wake up from your sugar coma wondering what just happened. And it happens pretty much from mid-October on to mid-November. This is a problem. Avoid it at all costs. What would your dentist say??

Deciding Which Halloween Parties Not To Go To

actually a nightmare

As previous mentioned, Halloween in your 20s means bars and parties and less going door-to-door. But I’m gonna be honest with y’all – as I approach the big 3-0, I want nothing to do with that. Maybe it’s just me, and I fall in a minority (in more ways than one) of not wanting to go rage in an outfit I’m only going to wear once. Is it a sensible affair with wine and mostly people I know? I’m available. Count me out if it’s a party with more than one Sexy *Item that should never be sexy* costume and a keg. I’m actually too old for that shit.

Scared Straight

Halloween is one of the few holidays that circle around the tradition of watching a certain genre of movies  – Christmas has its own set of films and scary movies are reserved for Halloween. I personally don’t partake in this particular tradition, as I’m more of a Twitches girl, myself. But I get the allure.

Christmastime Is Here

I hate to say it, but I’ve seen it. I’ve seen the store displays with my own two eyes and it’s real.

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Nickelodeon’s Making You Feel Young/Old Again

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There had been rumors that the head honchos over at Nickelodeon were conjuring something up – specifically aimed towards millennials – over this past month, and then last week, it was confirmed. Starting on October 5th, there would be a block of programming called The Splat from 10pm to 6am on Teen Nick. To kick it off, Kenan & Kel had a surprise reunion on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon by revisiting their iconic Good Burger sketch (despite the fact Kel said Kenan refused to ever be seen with him again?).

They couldn’t have had a better way to get people excited for The Splat, which will of course be showing reruns of Kenan & Kel and All That. Not to mention repeats of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Salute Your Shorts, Rocko’s Modern Life, Legends of The Hidden Temple, and more. So for all your college kids who are already staying up late writing those papers, here’s another excuse to keep procrastinating in the early hours of the morning.

Of course, we’re excited for this new programming (we did have an entire week dedicate to SNICK already), but I’m particularly excited after finding out they’re also showing old promos and interstitials that originally ran in the 90s/early 00s. Have you guys ever gone back and watched commercials from back then? It’s amazing and a black hole that is very hard to come out of when you’re trying to go to sleep (but if you want to waste time, RetroJunk.com is where it’s at).

Before The Splat actually kicks off next week, here are a few choice promos from old school Nickelodeon that will make you simultaneously get nostalgic and make you feel real old at the same time. Just remember that 1995 was 20 years ago, NOT 10.

Until The Fat Lady Sings

I feel like this particular bumper was played a lot, and one of the more memorable scenarios from the 90s. Watching it now, I’m just thinking how that actress must have haaated her life with that enormous wig on her head for hours.

A Cautionary Fruit Tale

First of all, these fruits remind me of those erasers from the 90s that you think would smell like whatever fruit it’s shaped like, but instead just smelled like plastic. Second, kids love a good pun. I mean, I love a good pun, but “orange you glad” is a classic. Add on the fact they’re singing, and you’ve got a catchy tune. Just ignore the fact they fall to their deaths at the end.

Whatever Happened to Porkchop?

Speaking of catchy tunes, any 90s kid can hum you the theme song to Doug. Moreover, the opening credits were also unforgettable thanks to its simplistic nature. It was only natural for Nickelodeon animators to create a bumper in its style.

Get Those Harmonies

Do these barbershop singers look like they’re three heads on one body? Also, why are they singing at night? And why are the billboard workers putting the posters up at night too?

Here With My Friends

I just realized Nickelodeon got to a point where they were like, ‘Hey, ya know what really works for us in these bumpers? A trio of random people/animals/things that sing our theme song in beautiful harmonies.’ This also reminds me of that All My Friends Are Dead book. THAT’S THE HARSH REALITY, KIDS.

Made on Windows Movie Maker

This looks like a commercial for Mad Gabs.

Akin to The Little Mermaid

They stepped up their game and added a lead singing fish. They got a bigger budget.

The Prequel to Chicken Run

Guys, we hit the jackpot. A whole gospel choir full of singing chickens!!

 

Watch Your Back, Michigan J. Frog

Um, was Nickelodeon throwing lowkey shade at WB? Actually I don’t think WB existed yet, so probs not? Still. This also looks like the croc from the Crocodile Dentist game, which I had to Google as “Alligator Game” then “Crocodile teeth” then finally “Crocodile Dentist”.

Where Are Your Parents?

So you’re telling me this kid fell asleep in the living room while watching Nickelodeon, was dreaming about Nickelodeon when he started sleepwalking back to his bed, where he slumbered and continued to dream about Nickelodeon, but only in orange splat form? Ok, just wanted to be clear.

If You’re Thinking About My Baby

The kids’ version of Michael Jackson’s Black or White.

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Fall 2015 Pumpkin Spice Roundup

Posted in Miscellany by

Now that it’s officially fall, we’re well into every white girl’s favorite time of the year – Pumpkin Spice season. I don’t know how it got to the extreme level of obsession, it’s like you really enjoy Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks one day, and the next thing you know, they’re marketing it as “PSL”, which is obviously the acronym for it and also the code baristas write on the cups. It’s gotten so crazy this year, that Starbucks tried to make it seem like PSL was available to VIPs, and if you wanted to get the bev 1 week early, you needed to know the secret code. There was a secret code to get a $5.75 PSL ONE week before it was released in stores. This is where we are now.

Last year, we covered the PSI (Pumpkin Spice Items, obvs) currently on sale, and because apparently this is an ever-growing market, I decided we needed to dig into this year’s offerings. Now, to be honest, I haven’t tried most of these things, so these comments are purely based on conjecture, but if you’ve taste tested any of these, feel free to chime in!

Pumpkin Pie Mochi

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 2. Mainly because it’s pumpkin pie flavor and not pumpkin spice.

Is it necessary? Maybe. OG Japanese ice cream mochi has flavs like chocolate, vanilla and AZN ones such as grreen tea, but I feel like pumpkin may be too out of the realm of normal. But that doesn’t matter, I bet this is good, anyways.

Pumpkin Waffles

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 9 – the perfect amount.

Is it necessary? Yes. This is the only item on the list that I’ve actually tried. These waffles have just the right amount of pumpkin spice in them that it’s not overwhelming and tastes like autumn in your mouth.

Pumpkin Spice Peeps

Pumpkin Spice Meter:  4 – based on the “flavored marshmallow” and overwhelming white fudge.

Is it necessary? No. I get that the Peeps company is trying to get consumers to buy their items year-round, and not just for Easter. I get that. But that doesn’t mean use the ziestgesty flavor of the season, dip it in white chocolate, and sell it to sugar heads.  Maybe just still to the original recipe and do a different color.  Rainbow, perhaps?

Pumpkin Spice Mini Wheats

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 7 – those pumpkin spice granules can easily get lodged in all those mini-wheat nooks and crannies.

Is it necessary? Sure. I feel like pumpkin spice goes well with breakfast foods (waffles, bagels, oatmeal), so why not with the Frosted Mini-Wheats. Does pumpkin have fiber in it?

Pumpkin Spice Latte M&MS

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 4 – the PS flavors are artificial so I’m guessing not the PS goodness that we expect.

Is it necessary? No. These are the flavors that only need to exist in M&M world: original, dark chocolate, peanut and peanut butter. I don’t want your crispy or pretzel or lemon lime (not real) and I don’t want your pumpkin spice.

Organic Pumpkin Spice Kale Chips

Pumpkin Spice Meter: who cares this sounds disgusting

Is it necessary? Absolutely not. Can we stop trying to make kale more than it isn’t? It’s fine in salads and ok as chips, but why does it need to be added with pumpkin spice??? Just stop.

Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 3 – again, artificial PS flavor, real gross flavor

Is it necessary? No. Does anyone else just not like all the other flavored Hershey Kisses? I still would pick a million other candies over a Kiss, but if I had to, the plain chocolate is the way to go. Also do people actually just want a lil but of pumpkin spice in their bellies? If you’re hankering for that flavor, just get a PSL.

Pumpkin Spice Milanos

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 5 – not real pumpkin spice flavor, but good enough to be edible.

Is it necessary? Perhaps. Pepperidge Farms usually does really well with their different flavors. I used to be obsessed with the mint ones. The mini mint milanos? Forget it.

Pumpkin Spice Terra Chips

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 8 – yeah, I’m in support of this

Is it necessary? Yes. I fel like this would be a great mix between sweet and salty. Also Terra chips are bomb, so they usually don’t do wrong.

Boom Chicka Pop Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 7 – I can’t imagine this using artificial spices on the kettle korn

Is it necessary? Yeah, okay. It’s another case of sweet and salty, so it’s probably good.  But we need to draw the line somewhere.

 

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So The Pope’s In Your ‘Hood

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Yesterday, Pope Francis touched down in his Shepherd One (large Alitalia plane) in Washington, D.C. for his first visit to the States as Pope (and as a human). It marked the beginning of a five-day trip on the east coast, and if I’m being real, interrupted my viewing of Ellen with Lester Holt describing a Fiat 500L. Even if you’re not Catholic, or religious, it’s still fascinating to keep up with, and if you’re a resident of DC, New York or Philadelphia, it’s kind of necessary since it will probably either make or break your day. So if you’re in one of these cities where the Pope is lit’rally blessing you with his presence, here are some guidelines to follow to stay sane with the holy one.

Get Ready For Angry Commuters

In Los Angeles, we already deal with a lot of traffic. But people’s anger is tested when the President is in town, as major streets have to be closed, subsequently rerouting folks all over the place. It’s the kind of anger that’s usually taken out on all social media platforms by pretty much anyone. There’s nothing worse than assuming you’ll be on time for work only to find out the roads are closed and you have to take 15 side streets instead, but everyone else is doing the same thing and you’re at a full stop and the only way to vent your frustration is by tweeting #THANKSOBAMA.

Spot His Ride

In likely Pope fashion, he got off the plane, walked on a red carpet, greeted the Obamas and misc. members of the archdiocese and got in his sleek, black, spacious Fiat 500L. If you’re one of the folks who saw this and thought, ‘Well that’s a choice’, Pope Francis is known for using more modest cars, as a reflection of his emphasis for a simple less consumeristic lifestyle. Still, the Popemobile is nothing compared to the whip he usually rides in all around the Vatican, a Renault 4 that’s 20 years old and has over 170,000 miles on it. I know Catholics are super not into change, but come on bro, at least see if Fiat can score you a 500L after giving them free advertising.

https://twitter.com/FIATUSA/status/646427230889861120?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Check Out The Website NOT Made On Geocities

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For some reason, I was expecting the official Pope website to look like it was made via Geocities and include a lot of WordArt and Comic Sans, but I was delightfully surprised to see that it was none of those things (although I would’ve been pleased if it had). There’s a lot of useful information on the site, and the layout is easy to navigate. But my main takeaway was that the site is run by CatholicToTheMax.com. Catholic To the Max Dot Com. In case you missed that, it’s CATHOLIC. TO. THE. MAX. DOT. COM. Not just a little Catholic, or a lot Catholic, but to the MAXimum level one can be Catholic. GOD. BLESS.

Scroll His Twitter

While he’s not the type to share his location on Swarm or crosspost his #NoFilter photos from Insta, but the Pope does have a strong Twitter following with 7.23 million. If you’re hoping to get a reply from Pope Frank, it’s not going to happen. He’s more of a tweeter than a replier.

Buy Some Swag

After clicking around the website and CatholicToTheMax.com, I discovered a treasure trove of Pope branded items. Items I never knew needed to be made, or that there is even a demand for.

“Takes selfies. Not all about the bling.” Those are actual phrases on the back of that shirt. Why are 60 year old former ad execs attempting to market to teens?

THIS STANDEE IS $160. ALSO WHO ARE THESE WOMEN.

Again, who is coming up with the ad copy and ideas for merch? I didn’t realize people still wore custom dog tags. If someone had informed me earlier, I would’ve dug out my BSB dog chains a long time ago.

Again, what year is it? Are these yellow bands leftover from LiveStrong?

I *hat* Pope Francis = We *peacock* comedy.

Learn the New Words To Mass

If you are so inclined to attend one of the Pope’s masses, it’s important that you know that the words to the mass changed in 2011. I found this out recently when Molly & I attended our friend’s wedding, which was a full mass. Now, as we’ve previously mentioned, Molly & I met at our Catholic high school, and I went to Catholic school my entire life, despite not being Catholic. But I learned the script. I was prepared for our friend’s wedding – EXCEPT I WASN’T. Stuff like ” And also with you,” has been changed to “And with your Spirit.” It’s a small change, but it’s like Jim Halpert-level pranks that are so harmless but annoying at the same time. Although if you’re pumped enough to brave the crowds and see the Pope IRL, this is kind of a moot point (A cow’s opinion).

 

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Give It Up For The Gilmore Guys!

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

If you’ve arrived to our blog for the first time, it’s important you know that you will see multiple posts under tags like, “Amy Poehler”, “90s” and “Gilmore Girls”, among others. The latter of which, we dedicated an entire week to in June in preparation for our visit to the ATX Television Festival for the Gilmore Girls Reunion. Yeah, we’re those kind of bloggers.

Naturally, anything concerning the show would make us interested, including a little podcast called the Gilmore Guys. I first heard of it last December, since my friends know I’m a crazy Gilly (GG fan), they asked if I had listened to this podcast yet. The conceit is simple – a longtime fan (Kevin) and someone who had never seen the show before (Demi) discuss every episode in the show’s seven-season run. Ok y’all, full disclosure – I started listening to the first episode and I just couldn’t get through it. I felt like they were trying too hard to prove they were funny and entertaining, and I went in hoping for insightful criticism on GG’s pilot ep.

Fast forward to a few months later when they had Scott Patterson (#LUKEDANESDREAMMAN) on the show, and obviously I needed to tune in. Although this particular episode was an interview (Gilmore Gab, if you will) instead of the usual discussion of an episode, I noticed that they were much more interesting to listen to, and felt like they were finally comfortable behind the mic. That led me to download random episodes, which led me to stalking Kevin on Twitter and seeing his suggestion to follower about which eps to listen to as a first-timer… and I quickly became obsessed. All I would do was listen to the podcast, and at a rapid pace, might I add, because I wanted to get caught up. This lead me to start rewatching GG on Netflix from the beginning so I could following along at home while listening to the podcast. I’ve been even more obsessed with GG lately (if that’s even possible), and started telling anyone who’s ever watched an episode of the show about the podcast. And that’s what I’m going to do today for this post.

gg

Where can I find the episodes?

Click here! Or ya know, use that Podcast app on your phone that you can’t delete.

Who is this podcast really for?

Gilmore Girls fans (both gals and guys) who like hearing a different perspective on the show with a comedy twist. This isn’t a serious in-depth podcast. You will legit LOL.

What’s the deal with these dudes?

Kevin is a freelance editor by time, longtime fan by night, and Demi works on social media/interactive components for @midnight, and first-time fan by night. They met through UCB (Upright Citizens Brigade, you n00bs), and exactly a year ago, Kevin sent out a tweet half joking about doing a podcast about the show, since it was about to launch on Netflix. Demi responded and the rest is history.

Photo Sep 14, 10 41 14 PM

Where did you take that picture? Who is that man in the middle?

Because I’ve reached the height of by obsession, I recently attended one of their live shows (AKA Town Meetings) in LA. They’ve already been to New York, Austin, Philadelphia and D.C., but since Kevin and Demi are based in LA, most of their shows are here. The guy in the middle is comedian Paul F. Tompkins, who was the guest for Episode 507, You Jump, I Jump Jack, which you Gillys might know as the Life & Death Brigade episode. Hence the tuxedos, umbrellas, and Out of Africa outfit.

There are guests?

Yes! Kevin & Demi rarely do an episode solo bolo, and often have one other person in the studio discussing the episode. The guests, usually comedians or in that world, either are fans of the show or, like Demi, have never seen it before.

Intriguing. So which episodes should I listen to as a first-timer?

Again, because folks know I’m hardcore, they’ve asked me about my thoughts on the podcast, or if I know my friends are Gillys, I’ll bug them to listen to episodes. In saying that, I created a Gilmore Guys Podcast Starter Kit, and now I’m sharing it with y’all! They’re currently at the beginning of season five, so there is plenty of time to catch up, and I’m sure many more great eps to come!

  • 207 Like Mother Like Daughter w/ Jeff Hiller
  • 208 The Inns & Outs of Inns w/ Jamie Woodham
  • 219 Teach Me Tonight w/ Sean Clements
  • 221 Lorelai’s Graduation Day w/ Aisha Muharrar
  • 222 I Can’t Get Started w/ DC Pierson
  • 307 They Shoot Gilmores, Don’t They? w/ Jason Mantzoukas
  • 309 A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving w/ Sarah Heyward
  • 316 The Big One w/ Aisha Muharrar
  • 401 Ballrooms and Biscotti w/ Jeff Hiller
  • 404 Chicken or Beef? w/ Anthony Troli
  • 413 Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels w/ Keiko Agena & Sarah Ramos
  • 414 The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais w/ Keiko Agena, Stacey Oristano, and Sarah Ramos
  • 421 Last Week’s Fights, This Week’s Tights w/ Aisha Muharrar, Mike DiCenzo and Mara Wilson
  • 422 Raincoats & Recipes w/ Jason Mantzoukas
  • 501 Say Goodbye To Daisy Miller w/ Todd Buonopane
Looks like some pretty awesome guests. Have they ever talked to any other members of the cast?

Why yes, yes they have! As previously mentioned, they had a Gilmore Gab with Scott Patterson, and recently interviewed Sean Gunn (Kirk) and Liza Weil (Paris). They’ve surprised fans at a NYC show by inviting Wayne Wilcox (Marty) to read some “lost scripts” – the full vid of which you can watch here -, and at the ATX Festival, Kevin had a chance to sit down with the Queen, Emily Gilmore aka Kelly Bishop. Also, they’ve interviewed executive producer Helen Pai and composer Sam Phillips (the ‘La Las’ singer), and maybe my fave gab, with casting directors Jami Rudofsky and Mara Casey, who are fantastically enthusiastic and give great insight on behind-the-scenes stuff.

Do I need to know anything before I dive into these?

My rule with any new TV show is to watch three episodes. If I still don’t like it after the third one, I quit. I’d say apply that rule to this podcast (even though I think you’ll only need one to get into them). Also, it helps if you’re a Gilmore Girls fan, new or old.

Ok, bottom line – why should I spend my time listening to this? And please be as thorough as possible with your answer, maybe even longer than you have to.

There’s probably no one more surprised to see the huge success of the podcast than Kevin and Demi themselves, but my theory is simple – it’s the perfect storm (the good kind, of course).

Gilmore Girls ended in 2007, wrapping with a seventh season many fans consider as its worst, since creator Amy Sherman-Palladino left due to failed contract negotiations at the end of season six. Moreover, they didn’t know if season seven was going to be its last or not, so what turned out to be the series finale was left open ended, leaving fans wanting more, and wanting closure.

I like to classify Gillys into three different groups – the OGs who watched it from the beginning and during its actual run (2000-2007), The Middle Sisters who started watching in the past few years thanks to ABC Family reruns and DVDs, and The Netflix Generation, who began to binge the entire series when it went up last fall.

Group all those together and you get a bunch of fans (most of whom are nostalgic-craving millennials) currently (re)watching Gilmore Girls, a show that ended eight years ago.  So when Kevin started this podcast last fall (around the time everyone was obsessed with Adnan Syed) because the show was going up on Netflix, he unknowningly had a huge fan base already.

Adding to the ‘perfect storm’ is Demi, someone who is popular on the Internet (just don’t call him a Vine star), funny, and up for anything, including agreeing to do a podcast for a seven-season show he’s never seen before and doesn’t even know if he’ll like. But that’s what makes the podcast interesting – no matter where you are in your Gilmore Girls ‘journey’, you can relate to either Kevin or Demi. Together, they make a great team and bounce off each other really well, with not only off-the-cuff jokes, but insights – by GUYS – that most female fans of the show haven’t heard that much of.

As mentioned, they frequently invite guests on the show, which makes the listener want to keep coming back each episode to hear a new perspective. Also, because of their connections to UCB and the comedy world, they’ve managed to score impressive guest stars like Jason Mantzoukas, Jessica St. Clair, Paul Scheer, and Paul F. Tompkins, and of course having Luke Danes hint that there could be a future for the show then getting picked up by hundreds of news outlets doesn’t hurt either.

In addition, it was a real blessing that the Gilmore Girls cast reunited at the ATX Television Festival in June, something that hasn’t happened since the show ended, adding even more attention to their podcast (and again, Scott mentioned it during the ATX panel). The resurgence of interest also rings true among the millenial fans of the show, who now work at places Rory would die for like The New York Times Magazine and The Washington Post, and can write articles about their favorite podcast.

In summation, this podcast is coming in hot at the right time, with a podcast by two insightful and hilarious hosts who *get* the show and treat it reverently, not like some extra-curricular hobby they have to take part in. Gilmore Guys is listed in the Comedy/Entertainment section for a reason, and you’ll soon see why.

 

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Filling The Dancing with the Stars Card

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The 21st (yes, really) season of America’s favorite celebrity ballroom competition series kicked off last night with a whole new crew of stars, a term which is used very loosely for this show.

I got into DWTS a few years ago due to my job, and although I’m no longer required to watch it, I find myself accidentally tuning in. This year, I had no choice, since my boy Nick Carter signed up for the show. (BTW my first reaction upon hearing he was cast was ‘Oh no. Nickolas. What are you doing.’ It changed to, ‘I guess I’ll be voting this season?). Of course this isn’t the first time a pop star or even boy bander has joined the competition, and it got me thinking – over the course of 21 seasons, the casting department and producers of DWTS, especially over the past few years, have made it a mission to fulfill certain “stereotypes” when it comes to the contestants on the show. Nick isn’t the first pop singer to join the program, and he’s certainly not the last.

Let’s delve into the certain characters and qualities that appear on the show every year – and determine who actually has a shot of winning the coveted MIRROR BALL TROPHY.

*denotes winner of season

Season 21 Contestant: Nick Carter {Backstreet Boys}

nick-carter-sharna-burgess-dwts-season-21

Filling the Quota: Pop star and-or actor/has plenty of dance experience/ringer

Preceded by: Alfonso Ribeiro (S19)*, Corbin Bleu (S17), Aaron Carter (S9), Lance Bass (S7), Mario (S6), Joey Fatone (S4), Drew Lachey (S2)*, Joey McIntyre (S1)

Usually Partnered With: Sharna Burgess, Alison Holker, Cheryl Burke

Notes: This contestant usually comes in having an impressive background in dance, but not necessarily with ballroom, making them meet high expectations on the dance floor. They’ve also got a sufficient fan base that will vote for them, no matter what.

Season 21 Contestant: Chaka Kahn {Soul Singer}

Filling the Quota: BBW

Preceded by: Patti LaBelle (S20), NeNe Leakes (S18), Amber Riley (S17)*, Sherri Shepherd (S14), Gladys Knight (S14), Wendy Williams (S12), Niecy Nash (S10)

Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Artem Chigvintsev

Notes: This contestant usually makes it fairly far (not eliminated the first two weeks), even though they’re not usually the best dancer, but they’re universally loved and bring personality and charisma to the show.

Season 21 Contestant: Bindi Irwin {Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s Daughter}

Filling the Quota: Most likely to be on cover of CosmoGirl or Teen People

Preceded by: Willow Shields (S20), Sadie Robertson (S19) Bethany Mota (S19), Zendaya (S16)

Usually Partnered With: Mark Ballas, Derek Hough

Notes: The teens are eager to learn, and quick to learn, maybe most importantly. They also make it fairly far in the competition, and it’s always a fine line between being sexy on the dance floor and remembering they’re underage.

Season 21 Contestant: Andy Grammer {Singer/Songwriter}

Filling the Quota: Rando singer/musician

Preceded by: Redfoo (S20), Gavin DeGraw (S14), Master P (S2), Billy Ray Cyrus (S4), Chuck Wicks (S8), Donny Osmond* (S9), Michael Bolton (S11).

Usually Partnered With: Allison Holker, Sharna Burgess, Emma Slater

Notes: You’d think musicians would have good rhythm as dancers, but most of the time, it just means their rhythm is better suited off the dance floor.

Season 21 Contestant: Tamar Braxton {R&B singer/Reality TV star}

Filling the Quota: Rando female singer

Preceded by: Willa Ford (S3), Marie Osmond and Mel B (S5), Toni Braxton (S7), Belinda Carlisle (S8), Macy Gray and Mya (S9), Nicole Scherzinger * (S10), Brandy (S11), Chynna Phillips (S13), Wynonna Judd and Kellie Pickler (S16),

Usually Partnered With: Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Val Chmerkovskiy, Derek Hough

Notes: Same as Rando Male Singer. Unless you’re former Pussycat Dolls star Nicole Scherzinger, who should could as a boy band ringer.

Season 21 Contestant: Victor Espinoza {Jockey/Triple Crown Winner}

Filling the Quota: Athlete

Preceded by: Michael Sam (S20), Michael Waltrip (S19), Keyshawn Johnson (S17), Jacoby Jones and Victor Oritz (S16), Donald Driver (S14)*, Metta World Peace (S13), Sugar Ray Leonard and Hines Ward (S12)*, Rick Fox (S11), Chad Ochocinco (S10), Warren Sapp (S7), Helio Castroneves* (S5), Apolo Anton Ohno (S4), Emmitt Smith (S3)*

Usually Partnered With: Witney Carson, Karina Smirnoff, Cheryl Burke

Notes: Unless they’re an NFL star, they have no chance of winning.

Season 21 Contestant: Hayes Grier {Vine Personality}

Filling the Quota: Reality TV/Internet Person/WHO?

Preceded by: Mark Cuban (S5), Rocco DiSpirito (S7), Steve-O (S8), Jake Pavelka (S10), Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino (S11), Carson Kressley and Rob Kardashian (S13), Sean Lowe (S16),

Usually Partnered With: Emma Slater, Peta Murgatroyd, Karina Smirnoff

Notes: Although this person has plenty of fans, the contestant has a lot of work to do in the dance studio. He gets frustrated often and knows how to be dramatic in front of a camera.

Season 21 Contestant: Alexa Penavega {Actress}

Filling the Quota: Younger actress

Preceded by: Rumer Willis (S20)*, Janel Parrish (S19), Chelsea Kane (S12), Sabrina Bryan (S5), Monique Coleman (S3), Kelly Monaco* (S1)

Usually Partnered With: Val Chmerkovskiy, Mark Ballas, Artem Chigvintsev

Notes: Is the underdog, surprisingly good and consistent throughout the show, a force to be reckoned with towards the end.

Season 21 Contestant: Carlos Penavega {Actor/Singer}

Filling the Quota: Younger actor/singer

Preceded by: Riker Lynch (S20), James Maslow (S18), Brant Daugherty (S17), Roshon Fegan and William Levy (S14), Romeo Miller (S12), Kyle Massey (S11), Cody Linley (S7)

Usually Partnered With: Alison Holker, Witney Carson

Notes: Is the underdog, surprisingly good and consistent throughout the show, a force to be reckoned with towards the end.

Season 21 Contestant: Gary Busey {Actor/This Guy}

Filling the Quota: Older actor/Comedian/Not a chance in hell

Preceded by:  Tommy Chong (S20), Andy Dick (S16) David Hasselhoff (S11), Buzz Aldrin (S10) Tom DeLay (S9), Steve Wozniak (S8), Jeffrey Ross (S7), The Holy Trinity – Steve Guttenberg, Penn Jillette and Adam Carolla (S6), Wayne Newton (S5), Jerry Springer (S3)

Usually Partnered With: Kym Johnson, Cheryl Burke, Emma Slater, Anna Trebunskaya

Notes: Just. No.

Season 21 Contestant: Paula Deen {Former Food Network Star/This Guy}

Filling the Quota: Older Actress/TV Personality

Preceded by: Suzanne Somers (S20), Betsey Johnson and Lea Thompson (S19), Valerie Harper (S17), Ricki Lake (S13), Kirstie Alley (S12), Florence Henderson (S11), Cloris Leachman (S7)

Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Artem Chigvintsev

Notes: Depending on the star herself, they could either fail (Cloris) or do really well (Kirstie).

 

Season 21 Contestant: Kim Zolciak Biermann {The Real Housewives of Atlanta}

Filling the Quota: Reality TV Star

Preceded by: Lisa Vanderpump (S16), Kristin Cavallari (13), Kendra Wilkinson (S12), Audrina Patridge and Bristol Palin (S11), Kate Gosselin (S10), Joanna Krupa (S9), Holly Madison and Melissa Rycroft (S8), Kim Kardashian (S7), Trista Sutter (S1)

Usually Partnered With: Tony Dovolani, Louis van Amstel, Mark Ballas

Notes: Because this is a REALITY competition show, after all.

Season 21 Contestant: National Guardsman Alex Skarlatos {one of the Americans who helped stop a gunman on a Paris-bound train}

Filling the Quota: Inspirational hero

Preceded by:  Heather Mills (S4), Chaz Bono and J.R. Martinez* (S13), Amy Purdy (S18), Noah Galloway (S20)

Usually Partnered With: Karina Smirnoff, Derek Hough

Notes: The demographic for DWTS LOVES a good inspirational story, one that makes you cry in the video package shown before their dance every week. This contestant usually does really well.

Other Random Quotas Not Filled This Season:

Female Athletes: Laila Ali (S4) ,Monica Seles and Kristi Yamaguchi* (S6), Misty May-Treanor (S7), Shawn Johnson* (S8), Natalie Coughlin (S9), Hope Solo (S13), Martina Navratilova (S14), Dorothy Hamill and Alexandra Raisman (S16), Lolo Jones (S19)

Female Models: Rachel Hunter (S1), Shanna Moakler (S3), Kathy Ireland (S9), Petra Němcová and Elisabetta Canalis (S13), Charlotte McKinney (S20)

Middle-Aged Actress That Were Somewhat Relevant At Some Point In Their Career: Tia Carrere and Tatum O’Neal (S2), Jennie Garth (S5), Shannon Elizabeth (S6), Shannen Doherty (S7), Denise Richards (S8), Melissa Joan Hart (S9), Pamela Anderson (S10 & 15), Ricki Lake (S13), Melissa Gilbert (S14), Elizabeth Berkley Lauren (S17), Danica McKellar (S18)

Middle-Aged Actor That Were Somewhat Relevant At Some Point In Their Career: John O’Hurley (S1), Joey Lawrence and Mario Lopez (S3), Ian Ziering (S4), Ralph Macchio (s12),

Season 21 Predictions: Final Three – Nick Carter, Bindi Irwin and Carlos Penavega

 

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Miley Cyrus, Her Dead Petz, and Me

Posted in Entertainment by

On Sunday, Miley Cyrus returned to the MTV Video Music Awards doing exactly what she’s been doing for the past couple of years, which is do weird shit, wear basically nothing, and talked about smoking pot. Then she ended her gig by announcing she was pulling a Beyonce and released an entire album for free on the website: MileyCyrusAndHerDeadPetz.com. Naturally, my first instinct was to listen to it just for the sake of the blog. To borrow a catchphrase from Vine – Do It For The Blog.

If Miley’s not your cup of tea, but you’re still a little curious as to what her sound is like post post-Party in the USA, here are my thoughts upon listening to this album for the first time. God Speed. To myself, I’m saying that too, because, I mean, come on.

Screenshot 2015-09-02 18.58.16

Track 1: Dooo It!

I feel like all of these titles are stream of consciousness already. If you watched the VMAs, you saw that Miley ended the show with her own performance of a new song, and this was it. The lines repeated over and over again are: “Yeah I smoke pot, yeah I love peace, but I don’t give a fuck, I ain’t no hippie”. When I watched her sing this, I felt high, and listening to it without a visual component isn’t any different. Then the song ends with: “Why they put the dick in the pussy? Fuck you!” Why so harsh, Tai?

Track 2: Karen’t Don’t Be Sad

My friend once had a friend Karen who was kinda like that one person of the group that was almost an outsider and whenever he’d tell stories about her, we’d always joke, ‘Who’s Karen?’, despite the fact he’d mention her a lot. Also, I’d never met Karen, so I was starting to think she wasn’t real. Anyways, that’s my first thought going into this song. It starts off sounding like a ballad, and it’s like a cautionary tale of Miley telling Karen not to ‘hang out with those fools’. It almost has a tone as one of those 60s songs that Frankie Valli sang about a young love. Except Miley really doesn’t want Karen to “let them win”.

Track 3: The Floyd Song (Sunrise)

If you’ve been following Miley’s life, you know she was hit with a devastating blow a year or so ago when her beloved dog Floyd died. Miles legit had a breakdown on stage because she was so heartbroken, but she’s managed to take that sadness and put it in a song. It’s not a complete bummer of a track (despite the line, ‘Death take me with you’), more so a melancholy tribute to a dog that made her really happy when he was alive. Also, her voice sounds overproduced and autotuned, more so than usual. And Miley doesn’t even have a horrible voice – have your heard her cover of Jolene?

Track 4: Something About Space Dude

I don’t know what I expected, but I guess I didn’t expect that the album (so far) would be mid-tempo tracks. Is this what it’s like for Miley when she’s high? Feeling like she’s in space and hearing random musical notes strung together to form a song?

Track 5: Space Boots

Oh, it’s another Space track. “There’s probably a rainbow, but I don’t care because all the colors left with you.” Lost love over a human or a pet? My assumption is a pet because of the record title, however she mentions she gets bored when said person isn’t there to smoke with her. And how this person is in their Space Boots. She later confirms it’s a Space Dude – from the previous song? She really misses this Space Dude, guys.

Track 6 {Interlude}: Fuckin Fucked Up

First of all, props for the title. It’s honest and to the point, I respect that. She starts off by saying, “Alright this is really fuckin fucked up but…” then stops talking.

Track 7: BB Talk

Wait, she picks back up with the “Alright this is really fuckin fucked up but… I was sleeping next to one dude and I was dreaming about another dude and I was cringing being next to him” or something like that. So “BB Talk” isn’t going to be a cutesy wutsy song about yo bae, then? Also, her voice is so deep? I never noticed just how deep it is. She starts singing to the more upbeat instrumentals, which I can actually get into now. It’s moved on to more of 90s-sounding jam where she belts the chorus then speaks the verse… I wanna say Enya-esque, but that can’t be right. “Your BB Talk is freaking me out… I’m feeling like I’m gonna vomit… Fuck me so you stop BB talking” HAHAHA “I’m not a fucking dumb ass bitch. I hate all that PDA.” WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUTTT? “I like when you send me the queen emoji but when I send back the monkey emoji with the hands over the eyes it means she’s just getting a little too weird for me.” This song is hilarious.

Track 8: Fweaky

Mike Will Made It. Lit’rally. And she mentions being in Space again. Take a shot, y’all. And smoking a bowl. Take a shot, y’all. “Shit’s about to get real fweaky, I can feel it. Don’t you worry, you won’t regret it.” Then like a million ‘Na na nas’ and that’s the entire song.

Track 9: Bang Me Box

Mike Will Made this one too. I already really like this beat, no shade. It actually sounds like a real non-Miley high song that could maybe make the cut on a real label-made album. Albeit she’s talking about exactly how she wants her partner to “bang her box” (she’s down for literally anything), but it sounds good.

Track 10: Milky Milky Milk

I hate this already. Someone (not Miley?) is creepily saying “The milky milky milk” as if they’re Boris from Rocky & Bullwinkle or Snidely Whiplash. The bass is too much, which makes me feel like a completely Ethel. Oh god she says ‘sucking on my nipples’ I cannot.

Track 11: Cyrus Skies

The title of this makes me think it’s an ode to her family. Because in between the tribute songs to weed and sex, she needs to include Billy Ray. Yet, I don’t actually think I’m correct, since it sounds like someone is slowly dragging Miley through a desert as she sings the lyrics, “I’ve been alive, but I’ve a liar.”

Track 12: Slab of Butter (Scorpion) featuring Phantogram’s Sarah Barthel

Beginning line: “I’m bout to get fucked up get fucked up.” For those of you listening at home, not only did Mike Will Make It but “slab of butter” was also uttered repeatedly in Milky Milky Milk, but I chose to ignore it because I felt awk sauce during that song. This track sounds part like Look At Me Now, part video game spider, whole parts sequel to Milky Milky Milk. I thought Miley was vegan?

Track 13 {Interlude}: I’m so Drunk

These are nothing compared to the best interludes of all time on Justin Timberlake’s FutureSex/LoveSounds.

Track 14: I Forgive Yiew

Mike Will Made It. Take a shot. Who is Miley forgiving? The dude talking BB talk to her? In which case, character development. PS Miley is really into speaking/typing like ‘yiew’ and ‘fweaky’. Just gander at her Insta or Twitter. It’s nearly intelligible. Kind of like this album.

Track 15: I Get So Scared

Miles is showing off her vulnerable (emotion-wise) side re: a failed relationship, about how she gets so scared that she’ll “never get over you”, and “none of their plans coming true”. ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LIAM, BECAUSE  I THINK YOU ARE, BUT IDEK ANYMORE.

Track 16: Lighter

Mike Will Made It. Take a shot. Now she’s comparing a paramour to her “lighter”, because weed. But I’m feelin this song, it’s like we’ve moved back into 80s synth pop a bit, and this is a love song that would play in the middle of a Brat Pack movie as Molly Ringwald’s gentleman caller is realizing he might have feelings for her after all.

Track 17: Tangerine featuring Big Sean

I have high expectations for this, Big Sean. Instead I feel like this should’ve been pushed forward up in the “We’re in Space” portion of the record. Not only do I feel Spacey listening to it, but I feel like I’m about to fall asleep. At least Big Sean’s verse is good. He’s gettin in those Frank Ocean vibez in.

Track 18: Tiger Dreams featuring Ariel Pink

Am I going crazy have I been listening to this album for too long because this sounds exactly the same as the last song, except it’s approx 20 minutes longer. “Such a weird fucking dream” = How I feel about this entire record.

Track 19: Evil is but a Shadow

I’m listening to this real hard but I still don’t get why Evil is but a Shadow. Woof, guys. This album is longer than I thought/wanted it to be. It’s also much more of a downer that I thought/wanted it to be. I guess that’s my bad because it does have “dead petz” in the title.

Track 20: 1 Sun

Oh finally another upbeat song! Kind of. It has depressing lyrics, like, ‘We only have a little bit of time’. Miley wants us to wake up because the Earth is crying and the clouds are dying. MAYBE ONE DAY THERE WON’T BE RAINBOWS. This is Miley’s cautionary tale about global warming and climate change. Take note, kids – if you didn’t pay attention during the Disney Channel Send It On days, you better be doing shit to save the world now.

Track 21: Pablow The Blowfish

Pablow The Blowfish didn’t know what a cloud is because he was a blowfish. Who has since died. This is Miley’s Blowfish tribute song. Dead Petz. Call me insensitive, but this is almost too contrived that I have to laugh. She’s literally saying “Pablow the Blowfish I miss you so much” and something about going to dinner and “someone chose sushi”. Miley got soup and rice, but “watching my friends eating my friends ruined my appetite”. She also suggests Pablow meets a dead seahorse to impregnate somewhere. Then she starts crying. Ugh.

Track 22: Miley Tibetan Bowlzzz

Oh Lord is this just going to be Miley playing a Tibetan singing bowl the entire time??? The answer is yet, but also, a lot of ‘ahhh ahhhh ahhhss’.

Track 23: Twinkle Song

“I had a dream David Bowie told us how to skateboard, but he was shaped like Gumby… WHAT DOES IT MEAN? ::literally screaming this in caps::” Stop yelling at me gurl.

Conclusion:

Don’t waste your time playing this whole album. Listen to 7 and 16. And maybe 21 because you have to hear it to believe it. One thing we can all agree on – she’s just being Miley.

 

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MissUnderstood: A Tale of Ignorance and Song Lyrics

Posted in Miscellany by

Do you ever think about the first songs you knew all the lyrics to as a kid? One of my earliest memories is singing along to Real McCoy’s Another Night while in the backseat of the car, jamming along to the radio. The song itself was pretty easy to memorize as a nine year old, since it was basically the same verse and chorus over and over again.

Another night, another dream, but always you / It’s like a vision of love that seems to be true
Another night another dream, but always you / In the night I dream of love so true

But then there are songs I sang along to without knowing the meaning until later. Like way later. Like maybe in the past few years (months, days, etc.)

I came across this Spice Girls revelation on Tumblr the other day:

Screenshot 2015-08-31 11.25.38

REMEMBER HOW I LEGIT DIDN’T REALIZE THIS UNTIL NOW????

Honestly. I thought when she said “put it on”, it was a British way of saying like, “put your sexy times mindset on because we’re gonna GET IT ON, GET IT ON”.  My logic makes sense, okay? But this is obviously not the only song that has been misunderstood and changed lives of adults all around there world. Here are some other tunes that I didn’t realize meant something else until I was much, much older. Did y’all have your own tracks you didn’t realize were somewhat offensive until recently?

Too Close by Next

Baby when we’re grinding / I get so excited
Ooh, how I like it / I try but I can’t fight it
Oh, you’re dancing real close / Cuz it’s real, real slow
You’re making it hard for me

Apparently I memorized all the words to this when I was 11, but didn’t understand any of it. Like, every single world in this is sexual. Looking back on it, I can’t believe I didn’t realize this whole thing was about fornication. How could I possibly miss all of it? Actually, I know why – because I was a naive 11 year old who just really enjoyed ’90s R&B music. I’m not a monster.

Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind

Doing crystal meth, will lift you up until you break
It won’t stop, I won’t come down / I keep stock with the tick-tock rhythm, I bump for the drop
And then I bumped up, I took the hit that I was given /Then I bumped again, then I bumped again I said… How do I get back there, to the place where I fell asleep inside you

In all fairness, Stephen Jenkins said these lyrics so fast and garbled that it was kind of hard to tell what he was saying. On top of that, add the fact that it’s a fun, bouncy pop song – about getting high on speed. He said of the song, “It’s about a time in my life when it seemed like all of my friends just sort of tapped out on speed… The music that I wrote for it is not intended to be bright and shiny for bright and shiny’s sake. It’s intended to be what the seductiveness of speed is like, represented in music.” Whoa.

Brick by Ben Folds Five

They call her name at 7:30 / I pace around the parking lot
Then I walk down to buy her flowers / And sell some gifts that I got
Can’t you see / It’s not me you’re dying for
Now she’s feeling more alone / Than she ever has before

I always thought this song was a downer, but I didn’t realize just how MUCH of a downer it was until my friends told me in college. Yes, college. Ben Folds said he wrote this song about his high school girlfriend who decided to get an abortion, and he doesn’t really like talking about it that much since it’s obviously a sad subject. The meaning is much more obvious in the music video, but this was pre-TRL so I didn’t watch music videos on the regs.

You’re Makin’ Me High by Toni Braxton

Let’s make a deal you roll, I lick / And we can go flying into ecstasy
Oh Darlin’ you and me / Light my fire
Blow my flame / Take me, take me, take me away

Toni Braxton also has a penchant for sounding like she’s gargling while singing, but I really didn’t know that in addition to this song being about getting it on, it was also a song dedicated to weed. She said during a Behind the Music special that the was introduced to pot for the first time a week before she wrote the song, and was influenced (under the influence, amirite) to add the lyric “you roll, I lick…”

Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

Once upon a time there was light in my life / But now there’s only love in the dark
Nothing I can say / A total eclipse of the heart

Songwriter Jim Steinman, who also worked a lot with Meat Loaf (which could explain the absurdity of this), originally titled this track Vampires in Love. He said, “Its original title was ‘Vampires in Love’ because I was working on a musical of Nosferatu, the other great vampire story. If anyone listens to the lyrics, they’re really like vampire lines. It’s all about the darkness, the power of darkness and love’s place in dark.” He later used the song in his musical called Dance of the Vampires (someone has a fetish), but if you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of it, it’s because it was a total flop that lost $12 million in 2002.

 

Closing Time by Semisonic

Closing time / One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time / You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
Closing time / Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time / Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

Although this song was written by Semisonic frontman Dan Wilson after he wanted to write a new tune to end their concerts with, as well as the hope to be played at bars at the end of the night, he also realized it was about something else completely different – childbirth. Dan and his wife were expecting their first child when he was writing the song, when he realized it was also about childbirth and the circle of life. He said, “I had birth on the brain, I was struck by what a funny pun it was to be bounced from the womb.”

Tutti Frutti by Little Richard

My personal connection to this song is that I danced to this in tap class as a kid, complete with poodle skirt costumes to go with the 1950s theme. However, imagine my surprise when Little Richard originally wrote this song as an ode to something completely unrelated to kids’ dance class. Anal Sex. This was his first draft of the song:

A wop bop a loo mop, a good goddamn / Tutti Frutti, good booty,
If it don’t fit, don’t force it / You can grease it, make it easy.

If you don’t know anything about Little Richard’s past, you should really look it up, but basically, around this time in his life, he was sleeping with the fellas, hence the inspiration for the song. The producer of the track recognized the sexual nature of the song and made Little Richard change it to “Tutti Frutti, aw rooty”. Childhood ruined.

 

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