Academy Awards 2015: Best and Worst Dressed

The 2015 Awards Season finally came to an end last night as Neil Patrick Harris sang and danced his way into our homes, Birdman “flew high” with a lot of awards and all the punny headlines, and Adele Dazeem finally got back at Glom Gazingo, who managed to be even creepier than ever before.

So as we take one last look at last night’s Oscars (which you can relive with our live blog here), we break down our favorite and not-so-favorite looks from Hollywood’s big night. Did your faves make the cut? Or were they snubbed like The Lego Movie and everything is actually not awesome?

Best Dressed

Molly’s Picks

Margot Robbie in Saint Laurent

Usually a black dress wouldn’t make my list, but we were seeing so much white and color last night that it was refreshing. This was like a modern take on the 1930s vamp look, and the red lip and vintage ’30s tassel necklace added just enough color. Sometimes loose hair can look too undone at the Oscars, but at this length it’s perfect.

Rosamund Pike in Givenchy

I’m in the fashion minority, but I don’t really like contour dresses. They always make me think of wearing a dress that has an outline of where a skinnier person could fit. But that’s when they do a full-body effect. The satin inserts draw her waist in, but it’s not obvious. I keep zooming in to look at the texture. They always say it’s hard to wear red on the red carpet, but it was a gamble worth taking here.

Lupita Nyong’o in Calvin Klein Collection

Only Lupita is so lovely and precious that she would wear a dress made entirely of pearls. You know, because she’s a pearl of a girl. Hi. I’m your grandpa. The light hit this beautifully. One article called this a Josephine Baker look and it totally is – 1920s but not a full flapper getup or anything. Also I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it must be to wear a dress made of 6,000 pearls.

Reese Witherspoon in Tom Ford

In some lights this was white, in others ice blue. Anyone want to weigh in? I’m on the “ever so slightly blue” side myself, but not in this photo. In any event, on a night when beading and tulle seemed to be the order of the day (not complaining!) this simple look was a nice change of pace. Witherspoon was promoting the #AskHerMore campaign last night, by the way, so for once we actually got to hear more questions about her portrayal of the awesome Cheryl Strayed and fewer questions about her ensemble.

Jennifer Lopez in Elie Saab

The rest of my true Top 5 is covered in Traci’s list below, so why not cover someone who ALMOST made the cut? J.Lo always looks like some sort of modern princess, but the asymmetrical beading/accent work keeps her from looking too Cinderella/Belle/Whatever. If I had a magic wand I’d lose about an inch of fabric from the bottom – the pooling is nice but it was hard for her to walk in. And I’d put that inch of fabric on the inside of the neckline – the plunge is fantastic but it’s just thatmuch too bare on the inside.

 

Traci’s Picks

Anna Kendrick in Thakoon

Oh goddess that is Anna Kendrick. This is one of my favorite looks from her – ever. The coral color is a perfect compliment to her paler complexion and the halter/keyhole combo is simple yet elegant and on point for the Oscars. She really is a princess.

Jennifer Aniston in Versace

Just call this Jen’s ‘Suck it for not nominating me’ gown. Despite the fact she got left out of the running this year, she still managed to look better than a lot of the other nominees in this stunning gold beaded gown. It’s a simple strapless dress, but the swooping lines and shiny touches are just enough to make you admire in awe.

Emma Stone in Elie Saab

OSCAR NOMINEE Gemma Skrones (I honestly can’t stop saying her name like that ever since Andrew Garfield called her that) is looking divine in this lime green *backless* number from Elie Saab. Paired with her gorge hair, it’s a great modern day take on old school Hollywood glamour, and I’m into it.

David Oyelowo in Dolce & Gabanna

The men’s trend this year was Not Black Tuxes, there were a handful of white suits (see Grand Budapest Hotel contingent) and Jared Leto Lavender, but nothing compared to David Oyelowo. Like Jennifer Aniston before him, David opted to wear his ‘suck it’ suit, and went with a bold dark red (crimson?) suit by Dolce & Gabbana that made him stand out from the crowd, despite the fact he didn’t get a nomination. But listen, I think Selma and everyone involved won the moment John Legend and Common stepped on the stage. So win/win.

Zoe Saldana in Atelier Versace

This champagne dress is beautifully made on its own, but add that to the fact that Zoe produced two – TWO – humans a mere three months ago and she managed to go on the red carpet and look like this. Hot freaking mama.

Honorable Mentions: Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka in hot couple suits and Faith Hill in J. Mendel (I still can’t get over how well accessorized she is with that necklace)

Worst Dressed

Molly’s Picks

Marion Cotillard in Dior

I really loved this until she turned around and I saw the butt-panel, too.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Ralph & Russo

Apparently Gwyneth is 42, which is not at all old, but I always think of her as a 20-something because she imprinted in my head during the Shakespeare In Love era. This dress is the same color as her iconic pink Oscar gown, and I almost really like it except that the shoulder reminds me of cabbage. Otherwise flawless.

Lady Gaga in Alaia

First of all, I know that it’s Lady Gaga so we aren’t really judging her on the same criteria as everyone else. Still, I saw this and my heart sank a little. You haven’t been hearing that much about her, and then she shows up in dishwashing gloves. I was never a superfan but I always thought she seemed like such a nice gal and I was hoping for a career reboot. Then she KILLED the Sound Of Music tribute and this look faded to the recesses of my memory.

Keira Knightley in Valentino

She’s pregnant, so it doesn’t even seem fair to place her on this list. If I’m ever pregnant I’m probably going to be dressed in sweatpants and frustration from the moment my clothes stop fitting. But the scalloped bodice and floaty florals look like a maternity flower girl dress. Knightley looked gorge at the Vanity Fair party, so she ended the evening on a high note. And dress aside, holy cow, she really IS glowing.

Scarlett Johansson in Versace

I have relatives who STILL buy me things in green because when I was a kid it was my favorite color. It’s weird to have a favorite color as an adult, but I still love it. And this dress is the perfect shade for ScarJo, and it’s really well-tailored, too. But then that necklace looks like it was poached from a Muppet’s neck-ruff or something. So close/so far.

 

Traci’s Picks

Julianne Moore in Chanel

I’d like to preface this by saying I adore Julianne Moore and think she deserves all the accolades and praise she’s received over the years, especially with her first Oscar last night. But. Woof. It’s not an ‘Oscar-winning dress’ and it’s really not a dress that anyone should wear. ever. The beading is impressive, however the design itself is no bueno. She should’ve gone with a green dress like from the SAGs earlier this year.

Laura Dern in Alberta Ferretti

Once a Gladiator, Always a Gladiator. In a literal suit of armor.

Felicity Jones in Alexander McQueen

Felicity seems like a delightful, British gal, but it’s almost as if she took one of those fashion design stencil plates and mix and matched a top and bottom that don’t actually go together. A for effort though, I guess.

Behati Prinsloo in Armani Prive

I never get how models can just not hit the mark on the red carpet. It’s their actually job to sell clothes, but when they wear a dress like this, it’s hard to sell. And the thing is that she’s a beautiful girl, but with that weird large necklace and slicked back hair, none of it is working for her.

Blanca Blanco

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I don’t really know who this is. I don’t know who designed her dress. But this is like Cinna’s first draft of Katniss’ Girl on Fire gown but decided it was too disgusting for the Games.

(Dis)Honorable Mention: John Travolta in this chain necklace. What in the world.

Live Blog: Academy Awards 2015

Hi friendos! It’s Hollywood’s biggest night tonight and we’ll be by your side to give you the play by play for all 10 hours of it! Just kidding. It’s more like 8. Either way, we’ll be starting our live blog at 7pm EST/4pm PST, so watch this space for updates.

As always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our up-to-the-minute commentary. You can also follow us on Twitter for updates in 140 characters or less at @cookiessangria (a button linking directly to our Twitter is conveniently located in the sidebar!).

In the meantime, fill out our Oscars ballot here!

And watch this video of this year’s host, Neil Patrick Harris slaying at the 2013 Tony Awards. He’s obviously the king of awards shows, and this proves it. I confess I always cry when it gets to around the 5:40 mark. I mean Harvey Fierstein is crying, come on! I can’t wait to see what he does for the Oscars!

M: As of 6:30, the E! preshow is like a scene in a sitcom where they’re putting on a school play, and the kid isn’t on stage for his cue, and the piano keeps playing the intro over and over until he shows up. A lot of stalling as they wait for celebrities to speak with them.

From what I’m seeing, Margot Robbie is wearing a deep-necked black number that isn’t the sort of thing that usually makes my best dressed list, but it just might this time.

Anna Kendrick has a gorgeous pink-coral gown and looks exactly like you’d hope an actress who just played Cinderella would look.

And then the men are just wearing tuxes or whatever.

… which is the perfect segue to discuss #AskHerMore, the hashtag/movement spearheaded, in part, by our favs at Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls. The concept being that women on the red carpet are asked about their outfits but not the work they’re actually nominated for. Now, I do like knowing what people are wearing – and when dresses are comped/borrowed in exchange for plugging the designer, it’s also partially a business exchange. But, ask about the dress then move onto other things? Great! However, I don’t think that Ryan Seacrest asking Dakota Johnson what props she took home from 50 Shades Of Gray is quite what they had in mind.

The Theory of Everything was the first time I really saw Felicity Jones, and this is probably a weird comment but her teeth are adorable. And she and Marion Cotillard have like bubbly polka dots, almost? Is that a trend? I’m old.

T: HI. STILL NOT OVER THE MAGIC THAT IS LUPITA. A FREAKING ANGEL EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. Can she win tonight without even being nominated?

M: As far as I’m concerned, Lupita Nyong’o is winning every day of her life.

T: So I am lit’rally 10 minutes away from the Oscars right now, and I can tell you that it JUST starting raining again after an on/off morning. Also, it’s unusually “cold” (sorry East Coasters, feel free to smack me through the computer screen) here, so I can only imagine these people, especially the gals, freezing on the red carpet right now. YES I SAID FREEZING.

M: Yeah, I was sitting here thinking “don’t type cold… don’t type cold.” NEGATIVE 12 BEFORE WINDCHILL. Rain is a bummer though.

T: Listen. Cold is relative. It’s been scientifically proven that your body acclimates to the weather around you. Hence, 50s-60s is cold for the average 70-80s weather in Los Angeles.

M: I don’t think the human body can acclimate to negative temperatures. Mine just, like, quits. John Legend says that he’s a “Gucci man” and it looks like Chrissy Teagan is a coochie lady. As in I can almost see hers. Because her dress is slit, like, to her waist.

T: Um Zoe Saldana had a baby 3 MONTHS AGO and looks better than I have or ever will wtf

M: * Two. TWO BABIES. She looks great though. She somehow looks less tired as the mother of baby twins than I do as just an adult trying to function as a human.

M: Why is Chloe* Kardashian here and why is she wearing Samantha Parkington’s Christmas dress? Although she’s talking about her car spinning out last week, and that happened to me last year and my car was nearly totalled, and that shit is scary. But that still doesn’t mean you get to go to the Oscar’s red carpet.

* I realize that it’s Khloe but come on, that’s stupid.

Oooh and now she’s shitting on Anna Kendrick’s dress. Don’t step, Kardashian.

T: Kerry Washington ::emoji with heart eyes:: Honestly, sometimes I’m not that into her gowns but I will always always fangirl after her.

M: I appreciate that she’s always willing to try something different, but the top of it looked like a Fancy Lady Church Suit fabric. But she still looked better than your favs.

T: I just realized there’s still an hour before the show even BEGINS. Hunker down folks. Ration out the vodka and popcorn.

M: I’m already tired! I zoned out for a second because I was typing. Is that lady in the pink dress on E! Baby Spice??

She also looks like the little blonde one in Celtic Woman that they make dance around with a fiddle.

T: I have to also watch the Oscars.com red carpet for work and they’re actually interviewing the sound mixers from American Sniper… I mean kudos but… really?

M: I feel like they must have thought they were someone else. Also I couldn’t even come up with an intelligent question to ask them. “So, what does it… sound… like?”

T: They talked about the movie being successful. Nothing abound sound mixing. Probably a sign you shouldn’t be interviewing the sound mixers? #NoShadeToSoundMixers

M: Does that mean they’re giving that award out tonight? Lord give me strength.

We have now reached the part where the E! ladies talk about dresses and um… I don’t know. I’ll say what dresses I like and don’t like, but they’re a little mean. And not in the sassy old lady way Joan Rivers could be.

T: “Good luck tonight, BIRDMEN! Maybe you’ll be flying tonight! ….. Right??” Ugh whoever this person is on ABC.com talking to the Birdman sound mixers trying to make a punny joke. Yes, that’s two sound mixer interviews so far.

M: I’m trying really hard to make it known that I’m NOT throwing shade to sound mixers. I love when a movie sounds nice. Mix-wise. But umm…

M: E! just showed a far-away still shot of Chris Pratt helping Anna Farris out of a limo and even that maybe made me swoon a bit. What a lovely couple.

Speaking of adorable couples, Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg.

And the only time I’ve read anything worthwhile on the E! news scroll: all of the sisters of the traveling pants are going to be godmothers to the other sister of the traveling pants’ baby. I missed the beginning of the message so, guys, it’s whomever is the pregnant one.

T: Props to JK Simmons to wearing a fedora on the night he *wins an Oscar* He’s also wearing a handkerchief that matches his wife’s dress. The Oscars = Hollywood’s prom, y’all.

Also, have you guys seen Damien Chazelle, the director of Whiplash? He’s 30 years old. The youngest director to be nominated. And only a year older than me. HE LOOKS LIKE A BABY.

M: He’s THIRTY? He looks like Seth Freaking Cohen. Ugh it’s so hard now that people are age are accomplishing big things; it doesn’t feel like there should even have been enough time between birth and now to get that far.

M: One shot I saw made it look like Jessica Chastain was wearing full-leg spanx. It looked like there was a nude-colored hemline at her ankle.

T: I’d probably wearing a full-body Spank (?) if I was on the red carpet at the Oscars. Luckily for everyone, that will never happen.

M: Look. If you could spanx your face so it stayed in the right non-creepy, attractive position the whole night, I’d even do that. I mean I guess Botox does that.

T: Because Big Hero 6 is nominated, the movie’s stars are obvi there, including Damon Wayans Jr. and Scott Adsit (Pete from 30 Rock) and it’s like.. weird to see them there? I feel like they should be on their respective sitcoms, even the dearly departed 30 Rock.

M: Between them and Pratt, I sort of love that my favorite sitcoms are represented. Oh! And Andy Samberg. But it is weird. Like seeing a teacher at the mall-weird.T: OH MY GOD A FILM EDITING NOMINEE IS TALKING ABOUT SPECS ABOUT CAMERAS HE USED FOR GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL. Who even.

M: You may think Traci works in entertainment news but like… come on, are you writing for a really specific trade journal or something? Why are they making you watch this? I’m so sorry and amused.

T: I think there were supposed to be more celebs on it? They ran out of people to interview, I guess, because this pre-show has been going on since Tuesday (I’m assuming)

M: Meanwhile on TV, they’re talking to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. I feel like I’m watching any one of those weekly country music awards ceremonies.

M: Now that I’ve switched to ABC, I’m getting a second look at some actors. Like Kerry Washington. Her eye makeup is gorgeous and I didn’t notice that before.

Lady Gaga, who is I guess still famous? looks like a character from The Wizard Of Oz. The weird book series, not the movie. Like she’d be a fancy bird that sits on a clock or something. She also has developed a vaguely European accent. [And yet. She always seems like such a NICE person.]

T: CHRIS M’FIN EVANS. He brought his BFF Tara from home. Also brought his beard. And his handsomeness. God bless.

M: I have not seen a single Marvel movie (that’s the thing? with the heroes?) but I absolutely love him.

T: Yes! I have seen Iron Man. And Iron Man 2…. Guardians of the Galaxy is on its way from Netflix. I LOVE TELEVISION.

T: This is Lorelei Linklater from Boyhood, who has been absent from most of the awards show circuit, but WHO is that boy.

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T: LITERAL LOL for the “best and whitest” joke.

GUYS I LOVE NPH AND SINGING ANNA KENDRICK ANNA KENDRICK ANNA KENDRICK

M: SUCK IT KARDASHIAN.

For the folks at home, my dog just basically peed herself (it’s this weird hormonal thing, she’s house trained, NO1Curr.) Oscars opening number is the worst time ever to have to clean up a dog’s pee fur.

T: Also, glad I watched Gone Girl on Valentine’s Day (romantic) because seriously would’ve been spoiled during the ‘slit his throat’ line during this opening.

M: It didn’t even register that that was a spoiler but yeah, glad I read it first (which will TOTALLY spoil the movie once I get around to it.)

Can we get a lip read on Oprah after NPH told her she was rich?

I don’t listen to audio books, but if Lupita Nyong’o read them I’d listen to the entire Bible.

Best Supporting Actor

Robert Duvall, The Judge

Ethan Hawke, Boyhood

Edward Norton, Birdman

Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher

J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Traci’s Pick: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

I’m kind of scared to watch Whiplash based on the one clip I’ve seen of JK Simmons bullying the crap out of Miles Teller. I’m not good at disobeying authority figures.

Molly’s Pick: J.K Simmons, Whiplash

I did see Whiplash and it’s exactly like Traci said.

Winner: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

 M: I mean, he seems very nice in real life. He wants us to call our parents.

 T: NO FEDORA?! COME ON JK SIMMONS. IT WAS YOUR MOMENT.

I also like that we can see Jared Leto super clearly because of his amazing lavender suit.

I also like that NPH gets to show off his magic skills during the show.He’s really really good.

M: Remember this two-minute bit about a suitcase locked in a box when the show is 10 minutes over and they cut all of the major winners off after 30 seconds.

I have trouble understanding how Dakota Johnson is here.

SO BORED during Adam Levine’s song. It’s a fine song, the lighting design is good, but the show is only 20 minutes in and it already feels like a long one.

Best Costume Design

Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel

Mark Bridges, Inherent Vice

Colleen Atwood, Into the Woods

Anna B. Sheppard and Jane Clive, Maleficent

Jacqueline Durran, Mr. Turner

 Traci’s Pick: Colleen Atwood, Into the Woods

Colleen has been nominated in this category 11 times and has won thrice, and her fabulous fantasy forest couture could win her the fourth.

Molly’s Pick: Colleen Atwood, Into The Woods

From Cinderella’s Delia*s ball dress to Jack’s little Swedish Burberry model outfit, these costumes were perfection.

 Winner: Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel

M: Actually, that’s pretty fair.

M: NPH, you’re so cute you don’t need to scrunch your nose when you smile. 

T: So The Grand Budapest Hotel is winning a lot of awards tonight, then? I mean, okay.

These young Oscar winners or whatever Channing Tatum is introducing make me feel like if I were up there, I’d probably burst out crying. Meryl Streep AND LUPITA?? I’d die.

M: This Polish director of Ida is so adorable.

T: …Is it weird that whenever I hear Mauritania, I think of the boat that picked up the survivors of the Titanic?

M: Wasn’t the Mauritania the one at the beginning when Sassy Rose is like “it doesn’t look any bigger than the Mauritania?” then Cal has to be a dick and tell us like exactly how much longer the Titanic is?

Hi. My name is Molly and I watched Titanic so many times in 6th grade that I still have it memorized.

T: Yes. That is correct. Us with Titanic:

M: I hope this seat filler isn’t going to get in trouble for acknowledging her existence.

T: I love you Steve Carrell, but I was distracted trying to figure out if that was Idris Elba behind him.

M: Ha what, Tegan and Sara and Lonely Island are performing Everything Is Awesome? And now I’m going to have this in my head all night.

T: THE LONELY ISLAND. THESE FOLKS ARE PERFORMING ON THE OSCARS RIGHT NOW:

❤ Jorma ❤

Also, GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER ANDY SAMBERG

QUESTLOVE! IS THIS THE REAL DEVO GUY

M:I didn’t stop smiling through the whole number. Like mouth-open smiling. LEGO OSCAR THAT THEY GAVE TO OPRAH. Everything is awesome. Everyone in the crowd is making the same dopey grin that I am.

M: I don’t know what the seating situation is at the Oscars with much specificity, but maybe don’t put the nominees in the balcony? The guy who won for short film just said “crikey” and then said that the statuette was heavy “because we’re only little.” Bless.

T: I want to talk like this donut dude for the rest of the night.

M: Or TO him, maybe? Like he could do some of that lame banter they give to the presenters.

Kerry Washington is not joking even a little bit about pronouncing the foreign nominees’ names properly. Smarter than your favs, too.

M: Gwyneth Paltrow, you may be beautiful and classy, but your sleeve still looks like cabbage.

T: Honestly, guys, Country Strong wasn’t THAT bad. Just me? Okay.

M: I thought it was all right. Am I supposed to admit that? Oh well.

T: I AM ACTUALLY CLAPPING OUT LOUD FOR NPH RN.

T: Oh good the sound mixing/editing categories!!!!

M: Any predictions or favorites?

T: Whoever was interviewed earlier. I don’t think it was these guys? Ugh who knows. #AllWhiteMenLookTheSame

M: Particularly white men over the age of 60 or so. And white babies. It’s like all white people start life looking the same way, diverge a bit for a little while, then end up at the same place.

T: Oh actually I think American Sniper was one of them. Congrats boys!

M: Now it’s sound editing, which is an entirely different thing from sound mixing. I do not dispute that good sound editing/mixing is integral to a movie, but it also seems like something that might be more comfortable at the technical awards.

M: Jared Leto, wearing a tux the color of his eyes. Which would be fine if his eye were black or off-white. Catalano does what he wants.

T: WWJCD (the other WWJD)

M: Emma Stone holding a Lego Oscar was about the cutest thing ever. And Meryl, not at all nervous because she doesn’t even have to care anymore.

Best Supporting Actress

Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Laura Dern, Wild

Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game

Emma Stone, Birdman

Meryl Streep, Into the Woods 

Traci’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

If there’s one thing I know in life, it’s that I will bet all my monies on Patricia Arquette winning this. Unless Meryl pulls a Meryl.

Molly’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

If only for being willing to film herself aging in real-time for 12 years. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing, but that would have been a fear of mine at the outset. But Emma Stone was the best part of Birdman.

Winner: Patricia Arquette

T: Wait I’m crying. GOD BLESS YOU PATRICIA ARQUETTE.

M: I was just going to write WHY AM I CRYING. Which is only weird because usually when winners try to get platform-y I feel a little secondhand embarrassment but nope.

T: Is Rita Ora going to sing Defying Gravity after this??

T: Okay who picked the soundtrack to the walk-out music? They just played Endless Love for the special effect categories.

M: I feel like in the special effects or tech-y categories, there’s always one guy in a Scottish scarf or a kilt or something.

M: THIS MUSIC. That was just “The Time Of My Life.”

T: Hear me out: A rom-com featuring Anna Kendrick and Kevin Hart as best friends who everyone thinks will end up together (a la Mindy and BJ). Hart to Hart? No that’s a thing already.

M: I think a height pun. A Little Bit Of Love. Pint Sized Love. Basically anything that means short and then the word love after it. Small Fry, Big Love.

T: Side note: I want all these hanging edison lights for my home.

 Best Animated Feature

Big Hero 6

The Boxtrolls

How to Train Your Dragon 2

Song of the Sea

The Tale of Princess Kaguya

Traci’s Pick: How to Train Your Dragon 2

So the Lego Movie really isn’t going to win?

Molly’s Pick: Big Hero 6

Everything’s NOT awesome. Loved the characters in Big Hero 6, though.

Winner: Big Hero 6

M: I went to this with two of my nephews who hated it, on the advice of two of my other nephews who loved it. So they’re all really cute kids and everything, but now I know which ones have good taste in movies.

M: I think NPH just walked in to “Hey There, Georgie Girl.” Did somebody switch out the orchestra’s sheet music? Or is the musical theme “stuff that had really cheap royalties?”

T: Why s Anna Wintour sitting next to Harvey Weinstein? Why is Anna Wintour sitting at the Oscars? The Devil Wears Prada was in ‘06.

T: PRATT. I adore you.

M: HOOKED ON A FEELING? We’re being punked.

T: I think maybe Hooked on a Feeling had to do with Guardians of the Galaxy? IDK get back to me after I see it.

M: I really want to see it but also am afraid I’ll hate it. Or be bored, at least.

T: I… Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong… for IDRIS???

M: What if these are just being planned by someone with a great sense of humor, trying to give us all something silly to pay attention during this 9-hr-long show? Probably not. These are so all over the place that it almost seems like they’re part of the code. Maybe the titles form an acrostic.

T: Someone get Benedict Cumberbatch to solve this immediately. (That was an Imitation Game AND Sherlock ref. You’re welcome).

T: Is it rude to ask if Meryl just got an Oscar for the intro to the In Memoriam tribute?

M: I was watching it wondering if she was emotional or just a really good actress? Such is the difficulty of anything involving Meryl. Like, credit card rep listening to Meryl say that she “mailed it last week” or a dentist hearing that Meryl “flosses every day” would have no way to know if it was the truth.

T: Shout out to all of Meryl’s doctors, business people, and local grocers.

T: When did Batfleck get there???

Does Terrence Howard think this presentation is an audition … wait what happened. did the teleprompter go out? DOES JOHN TRAVOLTA HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS??

M: I’m almost positive that it did so he had to cover by pretending to be overcome with emotion.

T: NPH, I love you but you keep saying “Oyelowo” wrong. Did Brad Pitt teach you nothing?

M: I had to google whether I had been saying it wrong this whole time. I have not. It isn’t even hard to say properly?

T: Oh-YEH-Low-Whoa (i mean not correct phonetic spelling, but whatevs)

M: And I’m very well-versed in that look of panic people get when they have to read off your last name and don’t know how (see: my whole life having 4 consecutive silent letters in my surname), so I tend to cut people a break when they stumble a little. But you’re on TV. Show some respect for TV.

T: omg they just played Dreamgirls for Octavia Spencer’s walk-out… As she talks about Selma

M: I’m at two times crying tonight. Once at Patricia Arquette’s glorious mic-drop speech, and the second during the performance of Glory. Particularly when it was over and Oyelowo was crying.

T: *What Molly said because I am still crying and snotting right now.

T: OMG JOHN TRAVOLTA JUST SO CREEPY #XENU

ALSO IS THAT A CHAIN LINK TIE

Remind John Travolta was creepy on the red carpet with Scarlett Johansson too.

M: New life goal: never get my chin cradled at close range by a Scientologist? WAIT what is his necklace.

T: Or just never get close to a Scientologist. 

Best Original Song

“Everything Is Awesome” from The Lego Movie; Music and Lyric by Shawn Patterson

“Glory” from Selma; Music and Lyric by John Stephens and Lonnie Lynn

“Grateful” from Beyond the Lights; Music and Lyric by Diane Warren

“I’m Not Gonna Miss You” from Glen Campbell…I’ll Be Me; Music and Lyric by Glen Campbell and Julian Raymond

“Lost Stars” from Begin Again; Music and Lyric by Gregg Alexander and Danielle Brisebois

Traci’s Pick: Glory from Selma

Despite the fact I would really love to see The Lonely Island get an Oscar, I’m totally fine with seeing Common and John Legend up there lookin foine and winning their first Oscars.

Molly’s Pick: Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie

I really think Glory is the likely winner, but I want to see Lego win something. IDK what Begin Again is, but Danielle Brisebois is the original Molly from Annie, so that’s fun.

Winner: Glory

M: If Common were a preacher, I’d start going to church. * I don’t know whether to count this as a separate cry or a continuation of my last one.

M: Gaga singing The Sound Of Music… was not expecting it to go down like this.

T: Friendly reminder Gaga went to NYU (the special theatre school) for musical theatre.

M: Aww, I’ve never cared too much about Gaga (except I heard Poker Face today and remember that it was really fun when that album first came out)… but this is just darling. I honestly didn’t expect to like this. But on the east coast it’s also 11:20 so maybe they don’t have to do ALL the songs. Nothing’s that charming.

T: CRY COUNT 3! Although Glory counted as like 20. CRY COUNT 4 OMG OMG OMG OMG JULIE FREAKING ANDREWS. ROYALTY ON STAGE, Y’ALL.

Back to Gaga for a second – I’m SO glad she got to have this moment because people are quick to dismiss her because of her crazy outfits and pop music, but she’s a fantastic, impressive singer, and she got to show that tonight. 143 Gaga.

M: If you took a photo of me right now my eyeballs would have stars or hearts in them. (Plus still some tears.)

T: Everyone was clapping along to that Grand Budapest score in rhythm.

T: Oh my GOD you guys – WILL ARNETT WAS IN THE BATMAN COSTUME DURING THE EVERYTHING IS AWESOME PERFORMANCE

M: NOO REALLY?!?! Because I’m a celebrity creeper: I bet Archie and Abel flipped the heck out about that.

T: Archie and Abel are lit’rally the luckiest kids in the world

Best Original Screenplay

Birdman, Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo

Boyhood, Richard Linklater

Foxcatcher, E. Max Frye and Dan Futterman

The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness

Nightcrawler, Dan Gilroy

 Traci’s Pick: The Grand Budapest Hotel

My record for liking Wes Anderson’s films is not that good, but I will say Grand Budapest was entertaining and I actually paid attention to what was happening. Only he could create this specific world of a European mystery adventure thriller with a backdrop dreams are made of.

Molly’s Pick: Birdman

Birdman, while probably technically very good, just didn’t do it for me. But I’m usually really into Wes Anderson and Grand Budapest wasn’t my fav. And the strength of Boyhood wasn’t really in the script. And I didn’t see the other movies.

Winner: Birdman

Best Adapted Screenplay

American Sniper, Jason Hall

The Imitation Game, Graham Moore

Inherent Vice, Paul Thomas Anderson

The Theory of Everything, Anthony McCarten

Whiplash, Damien Chazelle

Traci’s Pick: The Imitation Game

I have not seen any of these movies. This is total educated guess.

Molly’s Pick: The Theory of Everything, Anthony McCarten

So, I saw three of these, but haven’t read the books/whatever they were adapted from… this was a fantastic screenplay though.

Winner: The Imitation Game

M: That was totally deserved so I’m trying not to be TOO jealous that the writer looks to be possibly younger than we are.

T: CRY COUNT 5. THIS GUY NEEDS TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.

M: He’s such a cutie. At this point the crowd is like Catholic mass-status with all the sitting and standing.

T: So instead of giving Ben Affleck a nomination for directing Argo , he just gets to present the same award to some other white dude?

M: It’s like if I went back to our high school to announce prom queen.

[ Did we even have that?]

T: […Yes?]

Best Director

Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu, Birdman

Richard Linklater, Boyhood

Bennett Miller, Foxcatcher

Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel

Morten Tyldum, The Imitation Game 

Traci’s Pick: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

Like best picture, it’s really down to Boyhood and Birdman for the big categories, and based on the fact Birdman has all those long uncut scenes, I’m going with Alejandro.

Molly’s Pick: Richard Linklater

Maybe it’s gimicky, but Boyhood was a novel approach that actually worked.

Winner: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

M: I’m actually sort of embarrassed that I wasn’t into Birdman. I do understand why it was good, but, meh.

T: Didn’t see it. Feel like I should.

M: You can watch it on demand now, so that’s something. OH GOD. It’s 11:45. Come on. This is like the west coast’s revenge: for once, the east coast is stuck watching things at inconvenient times.

The west coast’s other revenge is that right now if you go outside on the east coast, there are actual warnings on the news to let you know you might Jack Dawson. (To Jack Dawson = to die by freezing)

T: Still can’t get over Steve Carell being nominated for an Oscar.

Best Actor

Steve Carell, Foxcatcher

Bradley Cooper, American Sniper

Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game

Michael Keaton, Birdman

Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything 

Traci’s Pick: David Oyelowo, Selma Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

It’s either Eddie or Michael Keaton, but I think Eddie has the slightest of edges because of his role as Stephen Hawking. It’s technically a bit more challenging and dodgier than playing an actor. It’s like Kate Winslet’s Holocaust/Oscars theory, but for disabled people. (was that PC?)

Molly’s Pick: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

The thing that Traci said is right, though. And it wasn’t just how Redmayne captured Hawing’s physical impairments, but the whole — ugh, sorry, “emotional journey” of the character. 

Winner: Eddie Redmayne

T: HE IS THE CUTEST.

M: Romcom where Eddie Redmayne and Lupita Nyong’o meet in some sort of a doctoral program and are fierce academic rivals but ultimately find love?

T: The Report Card. No. The Dean’s List. No. Grade A. Ugh I’m bad at this.

M: PINT SIZED LOVE. No we already used that.

Best Actress

Marion Cotillard, Two Days One Night

Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything

Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

Reese Witherspoon, Wild

 Traci’s Pick: Julianne Moore, Still Alice

She needs this. WE need this. THE WORLD NEEDS THIS.

Molly’s Pick: Julianne Moore, Still Alice

This falls under the “probably too sad to watch” category for me.

Winner: Julianne Moore

M: It’s midnight. I have a meeting to run first thing in the morning. NPH, this bit with your predictions is not endearing you to me. 

Best Picture

American Sniper

Birdman

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

The Imitation Game

Selma

The Theory of Everything

Whiplash

Traci’s Pick: Birdman

I keep changing my choice but let’s go with Birdman BUT BOYHOOD SHOULD WIN BECAUSE the story may be simple, but it’s every person’s story, and that’s why it’s impressive. Theoretically, a story about a family over the course of 12 years shouldn’t be this interesting, but with the divorce, marriage, abusive husbands, relationships, puberty, etc. these actors make you actually feel like you’re part of their lives. And an Oscar should be a part of theirs.

Molly’s Pick: Boyhood

This is a year without one clear winner. The movies I actually enjoyed the most were The Imitation Game, The Theory of Everything and Whiplash. But Boyhood did something that sounds so simple that it’s amazing nobody had attempted it before. It sounds like the top two picks are Boyhood and Birdman, and I think a larger proportion of the academy might vote for Boyhood.

Winner: Birdman

Thanks for sticking with us, everyone! We’ll be back tomorrow with our best and worst dressed picks!

2014: A GIF-tastic Retrospective

Well we’re almost to the end of the year, folks. And that means you get to see Best Of lists everywhere you look. Including here. But rather than countdown our favorite albums or TV shows or Poehler moments, we’re opting to compile the best moments of the year in GIF form, one of the greatest gifts the Internet has ever given us. Did your faves make the list?

**Warning – this is obviously iamge heavy, so just be patient!

{January} Jennifer Lawrence being Jennifer Lawrence and sneaking up on Taylor Swift during the Golden Globes red carpet but not realizing she’s also in the show. And also on live TV.

{January} “I want you to know that the red underneath my shoes is my blood.” – Emma Thompson not giving any fucks while presenting at the Golden Globes {x}

{January} POEHLER FINALLY WON A GOLDEN GLOBE/AWARD AND I THOUGHT I WASN’T SEEING CORRECTLY BECAUSE OF MY TEARS OF JOY, BUT THIS MAKE OUT SESH WITH BONO REALLY DID HAPPEN.

{January} Good recovery on Swift’s part when she thought she won Best Album at the Grammys. Her team – not so much.

{January} Joe Biden being all Joe Biden-y at the State of the Union. John Boehner orange and bored, per usual.

{February} Bob Costas, Olympics broadcasting icon, got pink eye and we didn’t know what to do with ourselves, so we made this gif instead.

{February} Olympic ice skater Ashley Wagner calls bullshit with her horrible scores, becomes meme.

{February} Ice skater Jeremy Abbott falls rulll hard on the ice, slams into the wall, lays there for a bit, THEN GETS BACK UP AND FINISHES HIS ROUTINE.

{February} Jimmy Fallon takes over the Tonight Show and I sob like a baby.

{March} Jennifer Lawrence falls at the Oscars. Again. This time on the red carpet. On a traffic cone. Just getting out of the car. #Bless

{March} Still the best selfie ever taken in the storied history of selfies. (JLaw obvs said the boob comment)

{March} The time we all thought wecollectively had a stroke, then realized John Travolta just can’t read.

{March} And the entire world sobbed as Lupita won her first Oscar.

{March} Marshmallows united and wait 10 years for this. Worth it.

{April} In one of the final episodes of Mad Men, Ginsberg actually goes mad. Luckily, Ben Feldman is much more sane (and hot) than this.

{April} When the internet made the most of this cute chubby future king nugget

 

{April} Rita Ora became a national hero by ripping Zefron’s clothes off as he accepted his Best Shirtless Performance prize at the MTV Movie Awards

{May} Coming up – coming down – Solange kick yo ass up in a gownnn.

{May} The collective exclamation of How I Met Your Mother fans everywhere.

{May} This was a confusing thing Ryan Gosling and Macaulay Culklin did.

{May} 50 Cent proves he’s much better at ANYTHING ELSE

{June} I didn’t care about the World Cup but I cared about this guy.

{July} A lot of celebrities died as part of the Sharknado 2 wrath

{August} Pratt.

{August} This lil guy.

{August} Ebola was a thing we freaked out about

{August} Andy Cohen takes a Belfie (butt selfie, obvs) with Kim K.

{August} People poured a bucket of ice water over themselves for charity and Ben Affleck pushed his wife into the pool.

{August} A joke set up at the beginning about their Seinfeld past paid off with this makeout sesh right before Julia Louis-Dreyfus accepted her 10,290th Emmy award. Bonus JFal.

{August} ‘Please welcome my beautiful, amazing, and talented friend: Beyonce!’

 

{August} Disregard Miley’s tears and put all your attention to the shade Katy Perry and Sam Smith are throwing in the back.

{August} Bow.Down.Bitches.

{August} If there’s anyone to upstage Beyonce while performing a 15 minute routine at the VMAs, it’s Blue Ivy. I’ve watched this Vine more times that I should admit.

{September} “This week, Amal Alamuddin, a brilliant Oxford educated human rights lawyer and former UN advisor settled for a 52 year old man.”

{September} Diamond Dan guys. Diamond FREAKING Dan.

{October} Taylor Swift became a pop star by doing this.

{December} Walken proved that you can just fake it til you make it if you’re in a live musical of Peter Pan

{December} This reunion made me feel all the feels.

{December} The King and Queen meet Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge

 

Woman Crush Wednesday: Lupita Nyong’o

It’s Wednesday, so you know what that means –  no, not ‘Hump Day’ – it’s everyone’s favorite themed day of the week, Woman Crush Wednesday!

Today we’re crushin’ on a lady who has been a favorite of ours for a few months now, but in light of recent events, I think it’s time to share our adoration for her to the world on this #WCW.

Lupita Nyong’o is someone we never saw coming, never could have dreamed of being a real person, and turned out to be everything we ever wanted to be in life. If it seems like she came out of nowhere, well, it’s because she pretty much did.

Her story in a nutshell: Her Kenyan parents were living in Mexico when she was born, because her dad was a politician/college professor teaching in Mexico. It’s Kenyan tradition to name your child after the events of the day, hence, en espanol, ‘Lupita’. They eventually moved back to Nairobi, but when she was 16, her parents sent her and her sister back to Mexico to learn Spanish (yes, she’s fluent, obvs). She went on to graduate with a BA in Film and Theatre Studies at Hampshire College in Amherst, Massachusetts, then got her BFA at the Yale School of Drama. While a Senior at Yale, she auditioned for 12 Years a Slave and booked her famous role as Patsey BEFORE she even graduated. Yeah, 12 Years a Slave was her very first film role ever. You know the rest.

Now that you know her story, here are just a few reasons why WE love Queen Lupita. And to be honest, if we could, we would dedicate every #WCW to our wannabe best friend, but since we don’t want to look too desperate (or crazy), we’ll just do it this one time, but just know she’s in our hearts this Wednesday and all the Wednesdays for the rest of our lives.

She Is A Fashion Icon

Besides her excellent work as Patsey in 12 Years a Slave, I think it’s safe to say that Queen Lupita (QL) really got everyone’s attention with her on point style. Namely, that little Ralph Lauren cape number she wore to the Golden Globes. She had kind of been flying under the radar before that moment, one of those newcomers you knew about and were interested in, but didn’t get too much publicity in the media. Until that night at the Golden Globes. Homegirl came on that red carpet like, ‘I am here to stay!’

Since then, style pros and amateur fashionistas alike were (impatiently) waiting what QL would wear on all the red carpets moving forward. And she did not disappoint. I could easily post all her perfect gowns here, but using the handy photo above, it’s worth noting the green Dior (BAFTAs), Turquoise/teal Gucci (SAG), obvi the dreamy blue Prada (Oscars) and the white cutout Fifth Element type dress by Calvin Klein (Critics’ Choice).

It’s important to note that although this style seems all by QL, celebs get help from stylists to find the perfect dress, and my other new girl crush is on Lupita’s stylist, Micaela Erlanger.

Micaela is a Parsons The New School of Design grad, and also styles the likes of Lady Mary aka Michelle Dockery and Winona Ryder. She ranked number 3 on The Hollywood Reporter’s Top 25 Power Stylists, and  no doubt does she deserve that position. I’d say bump her up to number one next year.

She Could Be a Model

I’m gonna let these pictures speak for themselves.

Lupita Nyong’o by David Slijper For Glamour March 2014

Oh, JK , turns out she is a model – for Miu Miu’s Spring 2014 campaign, at least.

Photo Mar 21, 7 28 49 PM

The time I tried to be a model like Lupita… Basically the fact that I sat exactly where she took this pic is reason enough for me to believe we’re soulmates

She Has A Way With Words

When Lupita talks, it’s like we’re floating on a cloud on a warm spring day. Captivated by every word, I could listen to her speak for hours. You know how people say if you’re a good singer, you can sing the entire phone book? Well I could listen to Queen Lupita say the entire phonebook AND I would somehow be compelled to call every single person in said phone book and tell them about how great she is.

Even Oprah called her beautiful and that made it a fact.

And of course, her Oscars speech…

And like her Essence & Oscars speech, she is well aware of the fact she is now a role model to thousands of young girls and women…

I feel very fortunate to be in this position, and I know that it means more to people because I am an African and I am dark-skinned. In many ways, me being on the scene is doing for little girls everywhere what Oprah Winfrey and Whoopu Goldberg did for me. My world exploded by them being on screen. Hopefully I will inspire and be meaningful to other people. But I can’t take on other people’s dreams for me. I can only dream for myself. {Entertainment Weekly)

She’s a #Gladiator

ANYONE WHO WATCHES SCANDAL IS OKAY IN MY BOOK (but really, can we talk about this show tho, Lupita??)

Screenshot 2014-03-11 02.03.36

Screenshot 2014-03-11 02.04.00

Screenshot 2014-03-11 02.03.54

Screenshot 2014-03-11 02.04.14

She’s a Fangirl Like Us

As you can see, QL is a fangirl for Scandal, but also of a lot of other people in the biz. She mentioned that during Awards season, especially at the Golden Globes, she made a checklist of all the celebs she wanted to meet at the event. So she proceeded to do so and take pix with them and she’s basically living out our dreams.

View this post on Instagram

#GoldenGlobes checklist: hug @lenadunham - CHECK!

A post shared by Lupita Nyong'o (@lupitanyongo) on

“#GoldenGlobes checklist: hug @lenadunham – CHECK!”

“#GoldenGlobes Checklist: say hello to #JessicaChastain – CHECK!”

“#GoldenGlobes Checklist: say what’s up to#OscarIsaac – CHECK!”

“#GoldenGlobes Checklist: introduce best friend to#MerylStreep and #JuliaRoberts – CHECK!”

“#GoldenGlobes Checklist: meet #LeonardoDiCaprio and tell him how much I have loved his work since I was 14 – CHECK!”

“#GoldenGlobes Checklist: meet my acting heroine #CateBlanchett – DOUBLE TRIPLE CHECK! #GameOver”

“AND THEN I met Sidney Poitier!!!!!!!! My Inspiration My Example My Hope My Gold Standard Words cannot express my joy and amazement in having this dream encounter come true. #Blessed! #Oscars”

“Geeking out over meeting the BADDEST#BryanCranston at the #AFIAwards2013.#BreakingBad #KillingMeSoftly”

She Loves Oprah (And Oprah Loves Her)

While the list of people who don’t love Oprah is very short, Lupita’s love for Oprah is of note because she was inspired by the ultimate Queen and it’s like her life has led her up to this – to becoming BFFs with O.

When Lupita first met Oprah last year, it was at a roundtable talk for The Hollywood Reporter (watch this adorbs vid of Lupita talking about the moment she met O). This interview is where a bunch of frontrunners for the Oscars get together and talk about life and their craft. While a lot of actors can make this look pretentious, Lupita makes it endearing and intriguing and even brought tears to my eyes.

{Watch the whole interview here}

Since then, they have clearly become friendly, as Oprah even invited Lupita’s mom and brother to her house for lunch – WITHOUT Lupita there!!! Needless to say, I am jealous of each of them.

She’s a fan of 90s TV Shows

Listen, if you’ve been following us for a while, you know we love ourselves some 90s/00s nostalgia. In this interview with Jimmy Kimmel, QL talks about the shows she watched as a kid that introduced her to the American culture – and what she did when she rode her first rollercoaster (Step by Step inspiration included)

So now that we’ve shared our love for her, feel free to share your love for her too! And Lupita, if you’re listening, we’re available to watch Full House with you too.

Academy Awards 2014: Best and Worst Dressed

Happy post-Oscar day! The 2014 Academy Awards were sort of amazing in that almost everyone who we all thought would win actually won. The winners were deserved and everyone looked amazing! So, for those of us who got 4-5 hours of sleep because of this fiasco asking if last night was really worth it, I think it was. Here are our picks for Best and Worst dressed, because we couldn’t each pick Lupita Nyong’o five times for Best Dressed and Liza Minnelli five times for Worst Dressed. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t want to!

Traci’s Picks

Best Dressed

Lupita Nyong’o in Prada

Ever since she showed up lookin FIERCE at the Golden Globes with the red cape situation, all eyes have been on Lupita on the red carpet. Somehow, she never disappoints. This particular dress is Prada, and she said she picked it because it reminded her of Nairobi, her hometown in Kenya. It already has sentimental value to it, so you can’t go wrong. And whoever her stylist is, you deserve your own Oscar, because I almost teared up seeing her on the red carpet for the first time at the Academy Awards. Maybe it’s because I’m overly emotional and cry at anything, but you know how some actresses just have a dress that makes it look like they’re going to win that night? It was JLaw’s Dior cloud dress from last year, Julia Roberts’ black and white Valentino, Halle Berry’s Elie Saab gown in ’02, these are iconic dresses that you remember forever. And we’ll aways remember Lupita, not only for her excellent acting, but her excellent style choices, especially the ones that land her in the record books.

Kate Hudson In Atelier Versace

Speaking of fierce capes – well this isn’t really a cape, it’s more of a fierce shawl. Kate took it off when she presented (right?) but I so prefer this look over sans shawl. She looks so old school Hollywood glam, and what better place to do it at the Oscars?!

Charlize Theron in Dior

Glam bam thank you ma’am. I mean Charlize is already beautiful but this silhouette gown? Beyond.

Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein

Apparently the night’s theme was ‘Frozen’ in multiple ways. Of course Frozen won twice but on the red carpet, white and light colors were in. But Naomi Watts did it best. I love love love everything about this: the gown, the Bulgari jewels, the two-toned clutch. To die. Judging by the close up pix, I feel like it would look even more stunning in person.

Portia de Rossi In Naeem Khan

Whoooaaaa Portia! This screams: my wife is hosting the Oscars and I’m so proud and sexy so haters to the left. I’ve never really considered Portia an expert in style per se, so I guess that makes this look all the more amazing. Again, she’s in the white/off white ‘color’ of the night, and the detail in the dress is EXQUISITE (sorry for the douchebaggery). I had a hard time not staring at the patterns because it’s just ridiculous.

Honorable Mention: Calista Flockhart in Andrew Gn. As the Plus one to hubs Harrison, it was the perfect dress to stand out yet make sure it wasn’t all about her. Just like Naomi, I bet this dress looked stunning up close.

Worst Dressed

Liza Minnelli in Vintage Halston

Oh dear. This picture pretty much sums up Liza’s Oscars night.

Lady Gaga in Atelier Versace Couture

My frustration with Gaga is that I like her. I think she has a great voice, I appreciate she goes balls to the wall with her creativity, even if it’s super weird and slightly scary, but the bottom line is she’s talented and that’s why she deserved all the attention, fame, adoration, etc. However, I also know she’s a pretty girl. She is legit wearing a weave here, and even though this is a very conservative outfit for Gaga, it doesn’t really match her personality or style.

Anne Hathaway in Gucci

No. Last year, no. After party last year, no too. This year’s after party – girl you should’ve worn this gown in 2013 AND 2014.

Elsa Pataky In Elie Saab

Mrs. Chris Hemsworth is pregnant with twins, which explains the protruding belly. But lest us all take a page out of Kerry Washington’s pregnancy style bible and remember that while you should embrace your new curves, you shouldn’t flaunt them to excess.

Pharrell in Lanvin

Imma be real with you. I didn’t think there were a lot of horrible dresses this year. Many were amazing and many were meh. Which is why Pharrell is on here. I get that he’s a superstar musician and can do whatever da fuq he wants, but these shorts are more Grammys style. Honestly, I’d rather have you wear the hat all night, because that’s your thing.

Molly’s Picks

Best Dressed

Lupita Nyong’o in Prada

Everyone looked so wonderful last night that there’s no need for repeats on our Best Dressed lists – but I HAD to talk about Lupita Nyong’o. Lupita actually helped design this dress, inspired by champagne bubbles and Nairobi. So, whatever it is you’re best at in life, I’m pretty sure Lupita Nyong’o could do it better and more beautifully than you. It must have been a lot of pressure being expected to be the best dressed of the night, but this was better than I could have even imagined. As a fellow bony-chested lady, I cannot tell you how delighted I was by that plunging neckline – a real victory for us gals with scrawny sternums. As we said in the live blog, Lupita is an Audrey Hepburn in a Hollywood full of Tori Spellings.

Cate Blanchett in Georgio Armani

The real trend this year was nude-colored dresses with beading and like … fluffy things. There’s a lot of texture going on in 2014, and Cate Blanchett wore the trend perfectly. As her effortless acceptance speech showed, Blanchett is an old pro at this. She picked a fantastic silhouette, went with her standby designer, and managed to look both perfectly modern and perfectly classic.

Jennifer Lawrence in Christian Dior

There wasn’t a lot of color on the red carpet last night, and this orange number was a delight. I don’t care what mean internet people say, I think that short hair really suits J.Law. My only complaint is that this dress looked a LITTLE less beautiful when falling than her other dress did.

Amy Adams in Gucci

There was a split reaction on this dress, with some people thinking it was sort of a yawn. But I’m of the mind that elegance is refusal — see also Bullock, Sandra. I especially loved the pops of color in Amy’s earrings and bracelet.

Matthew McConaughey in Dolce & Gabbana

Men’s fashion is just not as exciting as women’s fashion, and there’s only so much you can do — any attempt you make to step outside the box will leave you wearing a rumpled colored tux or stupid shorts. This is an example of Creative Black Tie done well, in my opinion. The well-fitted white jacket over the crisp formal vest, shirt and tie wouldn’t look out of place at a 1920s dinner party or 1940s jazz club. Well done, Pastor Matt of the Church Of McConaughey.

Honorable Mention: Naomi Watts in Calvin Klein Collection. As I said, I’m trying to avoid repeats, but I at least have to mention this. She looks like a beautiful glittering snow queen, for goodness sakes.

Speaking of snow queens, Kristen Bell deserves a mention for the best accessory of the night – a purse with a burrito in it. Bless. Oh, she looked lovely, as well.

Worst Dressed

Jared Leto in Saint Laurent

I’m told I’m supposed to like this, but sorry, I’m not feeling it. The look does fit Leto – forever Jordan Catalano, but also frontman of 30 Seconds To Mars. A more clean-cut look probably wouldn’t suit him. Still, the jacket was a little too cream-colored and the shirt a little too white for my taste, and the red tie and pocket square didn’t work for me either. I gotta hand it to him, though: Leto has gorgeous hair and beautiful eyes and just like… a great general face area.

Christian Bale

Theodore Lawrence, what happened? This is what I mean about creative black tie – it’s like guys have to choose between looking boring yet appropriate, or just kind of … off. I’ve never been a fan of black on black male formalwear, but it’s not just that. The whole thing looks rumply and ill-fitted. The shirt looks stretched and the pants look too big. Get thee to a tailor, Bale.

Liza Minnelli in Halston

As with Lupita, I’m trying not to do repeats here but I’d be an idiot not to address this. Between Liza and Gaga last night, does the gay community even have a true fashion icon left? It’s not Johnny Weir, is it? Oh, gosh. It’s Johnny Weir.

Whoopi Goldberg

This look was stupid when Julia Roberts wore it at the Golden Globes, and it’s still stupid now – but now it’s stupid AND uninspired. The knotted pearl necklace from Costume Warehouse’s flapper outfit isn’t helping.

Penelope Cruz in Giambattista Valli Haute Couture

The good: that soft pink color, the pretty draping. The bad: I think if this dress existed without the back panel draped over her arms, I might love it. Was it just how she was posing? Close but no cigar, here.

Honorable Mentions: Charlize Theron – I loved everything about this except the shoulder strap situation. It doesn’t really belong on my worst dressed, but I just wanted to point out that the top of it looks like someone was dressing a paper doll, but didn’t know they had to fold the tabs over its shoulder.

Also, while not worst by any means, sometimes Kerry Washington’s dress looked like it was a cruddy taupe color, but in still shots you could tell it was a muted lavender/mauve. Blame the lighting, not the dress. Kerry was, of course, stunning even when I thought she was wearing that boring terra cotta color that everyone painted their family room in 2001.

This is neither best nor worst, here nor there, but I just found out that Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski were there and I felt like I had to share this information with everyone. Johnny Weir is dressed as Liberace dressed as a matador dressed as an old-timey oil baron, because of course.

And finally… Kim Novak’s face. Yes, she’s clearly had some plastic surg, but I want everyone who’s ever criticized a celebrity for starting to look old to take a good, hard look at themselves and say “I caused this.”

Live Blog: Academy Awards 2014

Howdy friends! Welcome to our newly redesigned site! Take a look around, some things have changed, but the content has not! And to prove this, we’ll be live blogging Hollywood’s biggest night starting 7pm EST/4pm PST, so watch this space for updates. As always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our up-to-the-minute commentary. You can also follow us on Twitter for updates in 140 characters or less at @cookiessangria (a button linking directly to our Twitter is conveniently located in the sidebar, as well as our newly updated Facebook & Tumblr!).

In the meantime, enjoy this video of baby Ben Affleck and (a cummerbund-ed) Matt Damon accepting their first Oscar for Best Screenplay for one of the greatest movies of all time, Good Will Hunting. Look how far they’ve come…

Preshow

M: I just turned E!’s preshow on at 6:30. I’m wondering if I missed any really famous people. I did see either Kristen Chenowith or a very chipper child actress..

Chiwetel Ejiofor looks attractive in a suit; also has an attractive, well-dressed sister (a TV newswoman). Neither of these facts is surprising, but I’m delighted regardless.

Amy Adams apparently dressed “for herself” today, and it worked. Ummm… has anyone ever SEEN Amy Adams and Isla Fisher in the same place? Or Jessica Chastain, for that matter? The internet is all “whatever” about Amy Adams’ dress but I’m pretttty sure Amy Adams is all “whatever” about randos on the internet.

Idina Menzel: form-fitting Vera Wang, serious bling around her neck. A long way from Maureen Johnson performing Over The Moon in a cyber-cafe.

I think black dresses might be the thing tonight, because Olivia Wilde is wearing a gorgeous dark number, and somehow only looks pregnant from the side. Not to be outdone, Olivia Wide’s unborn baby is wearing Olivia Wilde.

LUPITA NYONG’O. Lupita Nyong’o is dressed as a flawlessly beautiful celestial ancient Greek sea-spirit-queen Cinderella. We’ll give more details as they become available, but suffice to say that she looks better than I could even imagine looking.

And although I cannot ever imagine looking like Lupita Nyong’o, I also have a bony chest – it looks like a damn xylophone – and I have SO much love for Lupita for rocking the plunging neckline that everybody tells you you can’t do.

So, the thing with Pharrell is that happiness would be my truth, too, if I were 40 years old but stopped physically aging at 20. He is wearing short-pants, like a small boy from yesteryear who hasn’t graduated to full pants yet. What I’m saying is that Pharrell is clearly  vampire from the past.

Anna Kendrick is wearing black with sheer cut-outs. I’m not explaining that very well. She’s one of the few people who can pull off looking smoldering and adorable at the same time. Smoldorable.

Speaking of smoldering and adorable all at once: June Squibb and Jared Leto. Leto is wearing a white suit and I’m not even mad. I mean I’ll voice my displeasure later, probably, but the man looks good.

I cannot get excited over Jessica Biel. I’m sorry.

Sarah Paulson is wearing Elie Saab – nude, high-necked, long-sleeved, beaded. And her hair is brown now! It looks great on her. She tells Ryan Seacrest that his eyes look super-green, and he says “colored contacts,” and y’all, I don’t think he’s joking.

Between all of these nude-netted dresses (looking at you, Blanchett) and the Winter Olympics, the company that makes that peachy flesh-colored material is having a real banner year.

EW says that Jennifer Lawrence fell again. If Jennifer Lawrence falls, and nobody’s there to report on it, did it even happen?

T: HI I’M SO IN THE MIDDLE OF WORKING RIGHT NOW BUT OMG JENNIFER LAWRENCE FALLING ON THE RED CARPET I’M DYING.

M: Is she really clumsy or do they just put her in ill-fitting or bad shoe all the time? FIND A BETTER COBBLER, LAWRENCE!!

T: I mean I think she’s just super clumsy. She seems like the type who would be clumsy. She literally was waving to fans and not looking where she was going and I think she tripped on the girl’s dress in front of her? Like slow-motion whilst laughing and a police officer had to help her up. I cannot with you, Katniss.

M: How long until there’s a gif of this moment? My money’s on it being available before the show starts.

T: You know Tumblr is on that shit right now.

M: How does anyone interview Christopher Walken without screaming “WHAT HAPPENED TO NATALIE WOOD?” is beyond me, but hey, that’s why I make a better lawyer than journalist.

M: I just slid the headband off of my head with dejection and more than a little disgust. Technically it was because my temples were hurting, but really because I shouldn’t even try to wear a headband while Lupita is.

So, I switched to the ABC preshow a while ago because the folks at E! were making like college football coaches after the game, just drawing circles on footage and stuff. And ABC just spent about 5 minutes showing us these college kids who, I guess, won a thing. Novel idea: cut that out, start the show at 8EST, and let the actors finish their darn speeches without practically dragging them offstage by one of those oversized vaudeville canes.

Jamie Foxx and Jamie Foxx’s daughter are making the case for some people just having really, really good genes. As in, I’ll never love anything as the two of them must love genetics.

The good part about watching preshows on both networks is getting to see Jared Leto twice. I find myself less interested in who made his suit and more interested in who makes his deep conditioner.

M: Lupita Nyong’o helped design her dress. Of course. Why do I get the feeling that she’d be that girl in fifth grade who joined the dance class you’d been in since kindergarten, and she’d advance to the level above you within like 2 months. You know, sort of able to do everything without even having to try?

Bill Murray just said that things that make him laugh include David Letterman, ESPN, and his kids. So, evidently Bill Murray has the exact same sense of humor as your uncle who lives in DesMoines and sells a lot of insurance.

Will Smith has an earring now. Or maybe he always did, who knows. As my mom told my brother when he was in third grade and wanted to get one ear pierced, “getting an earring won’t make you cool. It just makes you a person who has an earring.”

T: JLAW TRIPGATE2K14 UPDATE:

M: Sandra Bullock is wearing midnight blue Alexander McQueen and looks gorgeous. See, sometimes the best look isn’t a dress with weird sequins all over it or like … that is also a swan costume, or whatever. Simple dress, simple sideswept curls, absolutely perfect. Nobody named Sandy has ever looked that good. No offense to ladies named Sandy but I think you all know this already.

I just saw Joseph Gordon-Levitt chatting with Gabourey Sidibe. Man,that would be  fun convo. While we’re on the topic of JGL, figure skater Jason Brown looks 100% like an alternate universe version of how Third Rock-era Gordon-Levitt could have grown up.

The Oscars have started!

M: Ellen is here, and she is dressed like a very sparkly version of a tiny Victorian boy. So, another vampire. Honestly, just take the classic Blue Boy painting and put him in black, and you have Ellen’s outfit.

Little Lord Fauntleroy starts with a weather joke, so let’s all grab a Snapple and some Chex mix and settle in for a nice night of Middle America.

Ellen declared Jared Leto “the prettiest,” and she’s right. She also riffs on Jennifer Lawrence falling, and Lawrence exacts the best possible revenge: taking the joke nicely while looking almost disturbingly beautiful.

You know how I was talking about genetics earlier? Exhibit: Lupita Nyong’o’s brother. Lupita Nyongo’s… single brother, perhaps? I’ll research it during one of the commercials.

T: RACISM JOKES. THIS IS WHAT I WAS SAYING WHEN ELLEN CAN GET AWAY WITH ANY JOKE BECAUSE SHE’S ELLEN.

M: YES. Because when Ellen makes a joke, it’s like your own mom or aunt making a joke. But without the added baggage of 20+ years of history and issues.

T: Is Anne Hathaway trying to get nominated for an Oscar for presenting? Just because this is the first time you’ve been on stage since your disaster with Franco doesn’t mean you have to be all dramatic.

idk wtf this is but okay

M: Yeah, she was really leaning into that one. I swear God if Jared Leto doesn’t win it’ll be the most he’s disappointed me since Jordan Catalano wrote that song Red about a car instead of Angela Chase.

T: Speaking of disasters, I’m crying already.

M: I was going to ask how your eyes were doing. It’s a little dusty in here all of a sudden. ICYMI, Jared Leto thanked his mom and his brother … but, like, beautifully, and then dedicatd his award to the dreamers of the world, before calling attention to the AIDS epidemic. They let him speak until he was done, rather than cutting him off, because even the guy in charge of the music cues probably has a RAGING crush on Jared Leto right now.

Best Supporting Actor:

Barkhad Abdi,  Captain Phillips  

Bradley Cooper,  American Hustle  

Michael Fassbender,  12 Years a Slave  

Jonah Hill,  The Wolf of Wall Street  

Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club  

Molly’s pick: Jared Leto

Traci’s pick: Jared Leto fun fact: he’s the OLDEST person in this category. Because he’s 42 YEARS OLD. I REPEAT: JORDAN CATALANO IS 42 YEARS OLD.

Molly: It quite literally felt like somebody pushed the air out of my chest when I read that. Jordan Catalano can’t be 42. Tino can, I guess.

Winner: Jared Leto

T: I’m gonna say it: I do not get Jim Carrey. I don’t think he’s funny. At all. #Oscars

M: Yeah. Whenever he does one of his bits I’m like “oh, so you’re going to move your face all weird again? That’s it?” And yeah, that was actually it.

T: WERK, KERRY. I just am so in awe of her. Basically get me in a room with like, Kerry, Lupita and Poehler, and I might actually die. My life would end.

T: I think Pharrell’s performance of Happy is the first time a singer has told the Oscars audience to ‘get up outta their seats’. Or Did Three Six Mafia do that when they won their Oscar for IT’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp?

M: You know, you might be right – I had thought they directed the crowd to put their hands in the air, but I believe it WAS ‘get up outta your seat.’

Well, Pharrell, I’m sold. After that, I DO feel like happiness is the truth. To recap: Pharrell wore his patented track jacket and Canadian mountie hat, and danced with our fake BFFs Lupita, Jennifer and Amy, backed up by adorable dancing people.

Naomi Watts is presenting the costume design award, looking a million times more beautiful than whatever bride is wearing the same dress as her this weekend.

Best Costume Design:

American Hustle  

The Grandmaster  

The Great Gatsby  

The Invisible Woman  

12 Years a Slave  

Molly’s pick: American Hustle… or Great Gatsby… what the heck is The Grandmaster???

Traci’s pick: The Great Gatsby, mainly because i loved all the Baz Luhrman-esque visuals in the movie, and because the costume designer is Catherine Martin (Baz’s wife) two-time Oscar winner and all around talented woman.

Winner: The Great Gatsby

M: YAYYY! I thought the winner was more likely to be American Hustle, but I wanted it to be Gatsby. I have a serious thing for 20s fashion. If any of you get a chance and haven’t seen it yet, check out the making of features on the DVD for more info about all that went into the costuming, especially for the party scenes.

Harrison Ford, I’m telling you the same thing I told Will Smith about pierced ears. However, is it just me or does he get more and more attractive with time? I mean, Harrison Ford could be drooling in a wheelchair at age 107 and I’d probably be like yeah… I’d hit it.

T: “Ladies and gentleman of Dolby Theatre, please give a warm welcome to Channing Tatum” why a particular warm welcome to Channing, Oscars announcer?

T: Oh yes, there is already a GIF of Lupita & Meryl dancing with Pharrell.

M: You know how they say you should draw a smiley face on a piece of paper and looking at it makes you smile even if you feel crummy? If not, now you do. Well,that gif really has the same effect.

Best Animated Feature Film

The Croods  

Despicable Me 2  

Ernest & Celestine  

Frozen  

The Wind Rises  

Molly’s pick: Frozen

Traci’s pick: Frozen

Winner: Frozen

T: I’m not lying when I say I have listened to Love is an Open Door & For the First Time in Forever on repeat, in my car at full blast – SINGING at full blast – down Hollywood and Highland where the Oscars are right now. I HAVE NO SHAME. I’M 28 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NO SHAME.

M: The Frozen soundtrack was somehow specially formulated to be THE perfect car singing experience. I think someone heard me singing in a parking lot a few days ago. Granted, it wasn’t Frozen, but it WAS Funky Cold Medina, so I am also shameless.

M: I missed the intro for this series of clips and now I’m grasping at what the common theme is. I was going to say movies about changes in America but then Bravehart came up. Is it “making a difference” or something?

T: WAIT GUYS. New OTP: JGL & EMWATS?? Uh if you’re not a ridiculous human being like me, I just said: ‘new favorite couple: Joseph Gordon Levitt and Emma Watson’. (Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks this) I’m gonna go relearn English.

M: Like the cursed eyes of an evil banshee, I feel like when JGL and EmWats are together I cannot look directly at them. To make them even more perfect, Emma speaks so beautifully with her RP accent that it sounds like she’s about to tell me to make a u-turn and take the next exit onto i-90.

T: They just played Good Morning, Baltimore when Zef walked on stage. What, no We’re All in This Together? Or Bet on It? Come onnnn Academy.

M: Karen O has positively not aged since the 90s. I forgot how much I loved this song in Her. Speaking of Her, it was the most oddly affecting film I’ve seen in a while. When Amy Adams said that line about how we’re only here briefly and so she wants to allow herself joy, I was like that’s it. I’m done.

M: Hey, short films. Come back when you’re regular-sized films. I don’t have time for this.

OH. Never mind. I’m an ass. The documentary about that woman who was the oldest Holocaust survivor and played the piano beautifully just won. I love her so much. She passed away last week and it’s sad she missed this but I’m sure she didn’t care too much about this award anyway.

OK, time to be a little less kind: Whoopi Goldberg what are you wearing? It looks like a white button-up with  black crop-top over it and a Duggar lady skirt.

Ellen just offered to buy pizza for the audience. The only women who raised their hands were pregnant.

In the span of about 5 seconds I saw John Stamos, Whoopi Goldberg and Calista Flockhart. Did we all time travel to 1997?

T: Uh does anyone else feel like the cameras are too close to the presenters? Pretty sure I saw up Bradley Cooper’s nose right now.

M: Oooh. Yes. This guy who just won – I could tell you more about his pores than I think his dermatologist could.

T: Oh goddddd. Darlene Love is singing as part of her speech. Didn’t someone else sing on stage recently?? Apparently Bill Murray loved it and stood up right away. Brad Pitt didn’t really want to stand up but he did against his will.

M: Best version of His Eye Is On The Sparrow? Still Lauryn Hill.

T: ^^ Co-sign.

T: Frank Underwood made an appearance at the Oscars and I legit stood up and clapped for Kevin Spacey. Okay, it’s also because I’ve been sitting down for too long, but I mean, the thought was there.

T: Ugh I still have residual Brad/Jen/Angelina animosity, but that was really cute when he kissed her after they showed her winning the Humanitarian award. I want so much to dislike you.

M: I remember a period in 2006 or so when my sister-in-law had a stack of US Weekly mags, and every single one had a split cover of Angelina and Jen, with one of them looking more or less menacing or unattractive based on what the story was about.

M: Brad Pitt clearly sprang for the BIG bottle of L.A. Looks before tonight’s show. As did most of U2, as it turns out.

M: A PSA to everybody over the age of 45: Just saying the word “selfie” or taking a selfie, isn’t a joke. Try harder. That massive group photo they took of half of Hollywood qualifies as trying hard enough.

T: I cannot. I CANNOT. Meryl just said, “OOOHH I’ve never tweeted before!” Retweeting that shit so much.

T: ALSO NEW NEW OTP: KBELL AND VINCE. Again for regular human beings: New favorite potential romance, Kristen Bell and Michael B. Jordan. Or I mean, Michael B. Jordan with me, really.

M: Unfortunately, Kristen Bell is already attached to Dax Shepard and Michael B. Jordan is already attached to me.

NOTE TO READERS: The above comments were written simultaneously. And while we’re the type of friends who never fight, we may have to come to blows over this one.

T: I’m not afraid to fight you, Dougherty. I am Unagi.

M: I’m fairly certain that if one of us will forfeit Vince and one of us will forfeit Riggins we can solve this amicably.

T: Fair enough. Fun with Friday Night Lights ‘romances that will never happen’

M: Goes without saying we couldn’t get through this without referencing FNL and Full House, so far. There will be more.

ICYMI: Gravity just won every technical type award there is because it’s  movie about outer space.

T: I’m about to vomit I’m so nervous. #COMEONLUPITA Also worth nothing: that’s her brother with her and you should watch her interview with Fallon about how excited he was about her Oscar nom.

M: My heart is all fluttery. And that video was the cutest.

Best Supporting Actress:

Sally Hawkins,  Blue Jasmine  

Jennifer Lawrence,  American Hustle  

Lupita Nyong’o,  12 Years a Slave  

Julia Roberts,  August: Osage County  

June Squibb,  Nebraska

Molly’s pick: Lupita Nyong’o (is it even a question?)

Traci’s pick: Lupita Nyong’o (I just love her so much, but I also love JLaw so much. However I feel like Lupita’s performance deserves the Oscar – and her speech is for sure going to make me cry.)

Winner: Lupita Nyong’o

M: Lupita will never get to the stage because everyone wants to hug her.

T: I mean Liza went in for a hug. LIZA FRIGGIN MINELLI.

Also, I’m crying. Like I have multiple tissues around my person. I’m just so in awe of her.

M: I always get cold chills when I’m emotional and right now my hands feel like ice. It’s just – obviously that was a perfect performance. But also, we don’t have anyone like her in Hollywood. It’s like she’s an Audrey Hepburn in a world full of Tori Spellings.

T: YES. Best metaphor of the night.

M: OH, thank heavens. The pizza is here. I would 100% be the person to eat 3 slices — and drop 2 of them on my lap. This is why I cant go to nice things.

T: Can Ellen tweet pix of celebs eating said pizza? I refuse to believe Meryl straight up ate that with her white dress. Like I’m hoping she put a napkin bib on.

M: I know, they should have handed out those ponchos you get at Niagara falls. Or those sort of demeaning lobster bibs, at least.

Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe just came out to a orchestral version of Cups. They didn’t get any jokes, but maybe that’s for the best because Awards Show category introductions are not really funny. But  I bet their backstage banter was hilarious.

T: Okay now that Pink is going all Judy on us, I’m thinking Bette Midler is going to do the In Memoriam. Take a shot if she does ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’. Actually swig the whole bottle because you’re gonna need it to get through the song. Although Lady Gaga is there too…Slow acoustic version of Poker Face?

M: My nightmare funeral (like, of myself) would be Wind Beneath My Wings, followed by that stupid song about Eagle’s wings, followed probably by like waking up in my coffin but being unable to move or speak. Mostly the Wind Beneath My Wings part.


^the ONLY acceptable version of Wind Beneath My Wings^

Just so you know, I have no intention of being okay when Shirley Temple comes on the screen.

All right. Pink’s song ended and she never flipped around on circus wires. I feel cheated.

T: Whoa hello fringe on Jennifer Garner.

M: Yeah, I suppose I have to wait until tomorrow for some commentator to tell me whether I like it. She clearly wore that frock in anticipation of Gatsby winning the award.

Gatsby just won for production design. I was really excited for Gatsby but it didn’t get awesome reviews, so I’m glad it won a few Oscars. But as I said on the blog this week,  the production design of Her was awesome, too.

T: Agreed. I really liked the movie. The Great Gatsby was one of my fave required reading books in high school, and I thought Baz did a really good jobwith it.

M: YES. I got really annoyed when people made it sound like if you enjoyed the Luhrmann version of Gasby, it was because you needed the story to be modernized and didn’t understand the book. Ugh whatever. I went on a huge Lost Generation reading binge a while back, and I’m still waiting for the film adaptation of This Side of Paradise.

[#Nerds]

A local commercial just featured a woman karaoke-singing the song Umbrella, but changing it to mozzarella. I hoped it was a parody of a bad local commercial, but it was real. This is my real life now.

T: In Memorium: Wait, so no one’s going to sing during this?

M: This is the score from a movie. I’m pretty sure. But which one? [Update: It was Somewhere In Time, which I love in an unashamed schmaltzy romantic way.] And what’s the point of Bette Midler, now?

[Bette Midler, in all her glory, enters and begins caterwauling that song from Beaches]

T: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDDDDDDD

M: STOPPPPPPPP.

T: I’M CRYING BECAUSE I CAN’T BELIEVE IT CAME TRUE *insert emoji with laughing/crying smiley face* Also props to Oscars producer for picking a really current song for this.

She just did wing motions. I expect a gif of this too. She’s giving so much drama. The gays are probably going insane rn. SHE IS WAVING GOODBYE. NO. Is anyone inthe audience actually crying? No. Because it felt too forced. Bye, gurl.

lit’rally got this gif from the Logo TV tumblr…

M: I don’t like this. I don’t LIKE it.

Screw this I want a giant screen of Shirley Temple and Bojangle dancing.

Next  year I want the outdated song choice to be “Everybody Hurts.” Just really sock everybody straight in their feelings.

T: Wait… did John Travolta just have a stroke? Did he say ‘EYE-dinah Mah-ZEEL’????

Uh, relatedly, Idina Menzel looks gorge. Maureen cleans up nicely.

Wait but i’m dying because everyone on twitter is writing different spellings of what they think they heard Mr. Scientology say. “Adelle Azeem’ ‘Adele Dazeem’ ‘Adele Dazi’ ‘Adilla Mizzine’ seriously crying laughing.

ALSO DID HE HAVE A STROKE THO? BECAUSE REMEMBER THAT NEWSCASTER WHO EVERYONE MADE FUN OF BECAUSE SHE SAID EVERYTHING WRONG AND IT TURNED OUT SHE ACTUALLY HAD A STROKE (oh she had a complex migraine)

M: Kind of disappointed she didn’t ask us to moo with her.

(Gorgeous, flawless singer, etc).

Adala Damzil? I believe we’re being what Xenu calls “suppressive persons.”

Best Original Score:

The Book Thief  

Gravity  

Her  

Philomena  

Saving Mr. Banks  

Molly’s pick: Her

Traci’s pick: Gravity

Winner: Gravity

Best Original Song:

Alone Yet Not Alone  (from  Alone Yet Not Alone )

Happy  (from  Despicable Me 2 )

Let It Go  (from  Frozen )

The Moon Song  (from  Her )

Ordinary Love  (from  Mandela: Long

Walk to Freedom )

Molly’s Pick: Let It Go

Traci’s Pick: Ordinary Love

Winner: Let It Go

T: Yooooo Robert Lopez just EGOT-ed!!!!! Like a guerrilla EGOT! I love it!

M: I LOVE these two. Wait.. those two have children with each other??

T: Haha yes! I originally thought they were siblings for some reason. Not the case.

M: I think I just assume that no straight man has skin that pretty until I get confirmation to the contrary.

Anyway, they’re cuties and I’m jealous of their kids. My parents’ version of making up songs inspired by me was inserting the name “Molly” in the place of words that rhyme with Molly. Or singing the songs they’d made up for my sister 8 years before because what’s the difference?

M: They couldn’t have done it without Udyll Nassim.

T: Now whenever I hear Penelope Cruz talk, I can’t help but think of Kate McKinnon’s impression of her in that fake Pantene commercial with Sofia Vergara on SNL.

Hey have you guys noticed that no one has been booted off the stage with music yet? I thought for sure they were going to do that with Jared earlier. Good choice, producers.

Best Adapted Screenplay:

Before Midnight  – Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke

Captain Phillips  – Billy Ray

Philomena  – Steve Coogan, Jeff Pope

12 Years a Slave  – John Ridley

The Wolf of Wall Street  – Terence Winter

Molly’s pick: 12 Years a Slave

Traci’s pick: 12 Years a Slave

Winner: 12 Years A Slave

M: Every time Penelope Cruz says “screenplay” it sounds to me like she’ saying “screempling.”

T: Important: John Ridley used to be a writer on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Third Watch and Martin. ALSO he wrote Undercover Brother. Kids, you too can go on to win an Oscar if you have humble beginnings at a beloved 90s sitcom.

M: BEST trivia of the night re: Fresh Prince. That show was really well-written, though. Wonder what the writers of Hangin With Mr. Cooper are up to? Or Step By Step.

Best Original Screenplay:

American Hustle  – Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell

Blue Jasmine  – Woody Allen

Dallas Buyers Club  – Craig Borten &

Melisa Wallack

Her  – Spike Jonze

Nebraska  – Bob Nelson

Molly’s Pick: Her

Traci’s pick: American Hustle

Winner: Her

M: Spike Jonze never looks how I think he looks. (How I think he looks is Spike Lee).

T: Look at Lupita in her ‘Nairobi’ gown with her Oscar sitting on her lap. The best thing I’ve seen all day.

M: I just love her brother. I know we’ve said that but it bears repeating. I’m sort of lukewarm on Angelina Jolie, but it doesn’t get better than Sidney Poitier.

Best Director:

David O. Russell,  American Hustle  

Alfonso Cuaron,  Gravity  

Alexander Payne,  Nebraska  

Steve McQueen,  12 Years a Slave  

Martin Scorsese,  The Wolf of Wall Street  

Molly’s Pick: David O. Russell

Traci’s Pick: Alfonso Cuaron

Winner: Alfonso Cuaron

T: Oh bless, Sidney P, but this is the Oscars. We’re already on a time crunch here.

Oh… hi Jonas Cuaron. HOLA SENOR. I could also listen to Alfonso speak all day. Molly can you translate what he said? I got ‘This is for you’ and ‘I love you’

M: Yes! So I understood everything (Look, I majored in Spanish and spent 5 months in Spain, it would be embarrassing if I didn’t) — yet I’ve already forgotten what he said.  That’s how long this show has gone on. I’ll find the video later and translate it for anyone who’s curious.

We all know Cuaron from Y Tu Mama Tambien, but one of my favorites is A Little Princess. I’m not even kidding. That film was gorgeous.

Best Actress:

Amy Adams,  American Hustle  

Cate Blanchett,  Blue Jasmine  

Sandra Bullock,  Gravity  

Judi Dench,  Philomena  

Meryl Streep,  August: Osage County  

Molly’s pick: Cate Blanchett

Traci’s pick: Cate Blanchett

Winner: Cate Blanchett

M: Did you see Blue Jasmine? I didn’t…

T: I saw Blue Jasmine – don’t. Cate Blanchett was lit’rally the best thing about the movie. There was no (good) plot. Also, I was worried for a second that Meryl was going to pull a surprise win. HashtagSuckIt.

M: Well, count me among those who didn’t know I loved Cate Blanchett, only to learn that I love Cate Blanchett. What a gem.

T: Unrelated: You know who’s the real winner of the Oscars? The pizza delivery guy from Big Mama’s and Papa’s Pizzeria who had no idea he was going to be giving pies to Hollywood A-listers tonight.

M: Was he real or an actor? I need to find this out. Update: According to TMZ, he was real, but got stiffed on a tip. Again, that’s from TMZ.

Jennifer Lawrence – first of all, stunning, flawless etc. Second, I think I can see the line of her tanning goggles.

Best Actor:

Christian Bale,  American Hustle  

Bruce Dern,  Nebraska  

Leonardo DiCaprio,  The Wolf of Wall Street  

Chiwetel Ejiofor,  12 Years a Slave  

Matthew McConaughey,  Dallas Buyers Club 

Molly’s pick: Matthew McConaughey

Traci’s pick: Ugh. I love you Leo, but Alright Alright Alright it’s McConaughey’s night.

Winner: Matthew McConaughey.

M: Also spending some time at the tanning booth lately: McConaughey.

Did anyone else notice that McConaughey started speaking with a Southern preacher’s cadence when he started talking about God?

T: GUYS – UPDATE: “Adele Dazeem” has its own Twitter account. INTERNET.

M: Awesome, so does Lupita’s headband.

T: Oh we’re back at the Church of McConaughey. He did this at the SAGs too. Did anyone else notice Camila Alves just kissed her mother-in-law’s hand and it was the most precious. I approve of this couple and this family. Another thing of note: JLaw making friends with the girl who accompanies the celebs on stage?

M: I was looking at that girl trying to figure out if I knew who she was!

M: Pastor Matt, my alarm goes off in five and a half hours.

Best Picture:

American Hustle  

Captain Phillips  

Dallas Buyers Club  

Gravity  

Her  

Nebraska  

Philomena  

12 Years a Slave  

The Wolf of Wall Street  

Molly’s Pick: 12 Years A Slave

Traci’s pick: 12 Years a Slave

Winner: 12 Years A Slave

T: There was literally a timpani drum roll before Will said the winner. WAIT JOHN RIDLEY – WILL SMITH – FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR Y’ALL

But really, I’m so happy that 12 Years a Slave won.

M: Me too! Good work, Academy. There were a lot of great nominees this year, but 12 Years A Slave deserved it the most. Also how cute was that cast on stage?

T: Yes! The jumping up and down! They are sooo gonna rage tonight.

M: Cannot wait to see pictures from the parties.

OK, everyone, that’s it! It’s been a great … what is it now? 5 hours? Yeah. Good night, everyone!

2014 Best Picture Nominees: Highs and Lows

Every year, I set out to watch every Best Picture nominee. And every year, I have regrets. Sometimes my regret is that I didn’t make it to all of the movies, and sometimes it’s that I did. But the good thing about seeing (almost) all of the Best Picture nominees is that I’m now an informed blogger – and can let you know the pros and cons of (most) of this years nominated films!

12 Years A Slave

High:

Not to belabor the whole Lupita Nyong’o thing … but maybe you should all get ready to hear a lot about Lupita Nyong’o from the both of us. Her performance as the unfortunate Patsy will absolutely crush you. The audience has Solomon Northrup as a sort of guide throughout the movie – like Alice in Wonderland or Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, he’s somebody from “our” world (insofar as he wasn’t born in slavery and had never witnessed it firsthand). Patsy shows Northrup, and us, what it’s like when slavery is all you’ve ever known and you can’t imagine that you’ll get to leave it.

Let’s not forget about the bone-chilling performance by one of our other dream BFFs, Sarah Paulson, either. Chiwetel Ejiofor, too. Okay, everyone. The high point of this movie is everyone.

Low:

It’s not a reason not to see the movie – in fact, it’s why you should see it – but this really happened. We use this shortened narrative of “there was slavery, it was very bad, and then Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves” so often, it’s hard to think about all of the people that lived and died with no chance of freedom. Just go see it, okay?

You’ll feel a bit better after looking at IRL photos of the cast. See? Everyone’s OK now.

American Hustle

High:

The Academy loves a good anti-hero, and this film is full of them. You will end up thinking that just about every main character is awful by the end of the movie … but you’ll also be thinking “man, I hope these awful people succeed!”

Low:

When you leave the movie, between the comb-overs, double-dealing, and all-around 1970s sleaziness, you’ll feel like you have a fine layer of disco grime covering your skin.

You can almost smell the patchouli.

Captain Phillips

High:

Tom Hanks playing a smart, sensible guy who’s in near-peril (but it’s not Saving Private Ryan)? Using his cool wits to solve a near-impossible dilemma (but it’s not The Da Vinci Code)? And he’s at least temporarily stranded in the ocean (Cast Away)? Hey, why mess with what we already know works.

Low:

Some action sequences that were probably riveting in the theater had me reaching for my iPad or a magazine when watching it On Demand.

Dallas Buyers Club

High:

Jared Leto, Jordan Catalano of my heart, owner of the loveliest ombre tresses, was brilliant. Rayon is funny, spirited, and kind – just like real people when they get sick, AIDs didn’t become her only character trait. You can see the personality that Rayon would have whether or not she was ill –  not just the HIV-positive, trans-woman version of a Lurlene McDaniel character.

Low:

Matthew McConaughey’s weight – low in the literal sense, anyway. While necessary to show that the protagonist was running his scheme as a very ill man, I just wanted to give him a hug and an Ensure. He was truly distressing to look at. But the Academy does loooove extreme weight loss or gain.

Why yes, this WAS a shameless way to insert a photo of shirtless “before” McConaughey.

Gravity

High:

I always love a good mind-bending space movie – I may have been the only nine-year-old who was really into the Jodie Foster vehicle Contact. But the real high is how the filmmakers created what is essentially a 2-3 person story that didn’t lose your attention for a second. Also, I appreciated that the special effects were impressive, but that I was so engrossed in the story that I wasn’t going “hey, look at those special effects!”

HEY. WE’RE DOING A SPECIAL EFFECT HERE.

Low:

As Traci noted before, Gravity isn’t billed as a “scary movie” but it is unsettling just the same. It’s not just the dangers facing the main characters, it’s the way space movies remind you that you’re a tiny inconsequential speck in the universe and your time here  – even if long by our standards – is nothing.

Her

High:

There’s a lot to be said about Her’s timely message on technology and human connections – it’s sort of a modern parable. But, I actually want to talk about the production design. Her is set in the not-so-distant future, and the filmmakers conveyed that in the most brilliant way. Instead of making the film look futuristic, with silver space-suits and lots of metal, they made it look timeless. Everything is sort of mid-century and Danish modern, and the wardrobe features a lot of natural materials and high-waisted pants. This makes sense because fashions are always cycling in and out, so it’s plausible that in a decade’s time this 1960s aesthetic will be in style. Plus, this way in 10 years the film won’t look as dated as it would if the characters were dressed like it was 2013. Instead of a hard-edged computer age color palette – metallic red, cobalt blue, jet black – everything is in muted tropical tones, with a lot of coral, teal, and soft yellow. The whole movie I kept seeing details in furniture or clothing and going “hey! look what they did there!”

Even the operating system has a clean-lined mid-century look — almost like the Steampunk idea, but for the 60s instead of early 1900s.

Low:

(1) At some point in the movie, you’re probably going to think it would be fun to be friends with an Operating System, then realize that that seems really sad.

(2) The producer, Megan Ellison, is 28. TWENTY EIGHT. There is no reason to feel inferior, because she has some crazy family connections. Her father is a billionaire and she began financing films several years ago. Ellison clearly worked hard to take advantage of the plum hand she was dealt, so I don’t fault her a bit. But rather than feeling like you’ve wasted your life, remember that Ellison didn’t exactly rise from lower- or middle-class obscurity.

Nebraska

High:

About ⅓ of my business contacts are in Nebraska, and they’re all very smart, no-nonsense, level Midwesterners. I like that in a working relationship.

Low:

My “high” was a generalized comment about Nebraskans who I know because I haven’t seen the movie yet. Maybe my “high” should be that it’s now available at Redbox, so we’ll all have time to rent it before Sunday.

Philomena

High:

Steve Coogan, in a remarkably straight role, proves that comedians often make the best dramatic actors. The script was dryly funny, and Coogan was believable as a wry journalist.

Low:

I don’t know if I saw this movie in a cinema that had smell-o-vision or what, but my theater smelled 100% like a combination of Old Lady and Church. That may be less a coincidence, and more that it was a Sunday morning show in a WASP-y suburb.

The Wolf Of Wall Street

High:

LEO. Of course.

Low:

Yeah…I didn’t see this movie. I read descriptions of some scenes that I just knew I didn’t want filling up my head-space. Maybe when it’s on HBO or something, you know?

Leonardo DiCaprio, The Internet, and You

On November 11th, 2013, Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio turned 39 years of age. 39. That’s one year away from 40. Leo is officially like, an adult. Perhaps the age was jarring because in my mind, he is forever 23 years old. If you do the math (which, I mean, don’t), that brings us to 1997, when he was in Titanic. You guessed it folks – I, like many girls of my generation – was a total Titanic fangirl. I saw it 5 times in the movie theater, purchased every single item of memorabilia (including the script) and wore out tapes 1 & 2 of the VHS copies. In fact, I was so obsessed with Leo himself that I made it a mission to watch every single movie he was in (note to parents: don’t let your 12 year old watch The Basketball Diaries without knowing what it’s about first) and even used the name “Julieta”  in Spanish class as an ode to Romeo + Juliet.

Anyways, because I am a Leo fan, I’ve always remembered his birthday, but I never would have imagined he would have a bash like he did on Sunday. Apparently, Leo is a big rap fan, and invited his FRIEND 2 Chainz to perform. Oh yeah, AND Kanye West.

The party at Tao in NYC ended up being a charity event too, because he raised $3 million for his environmental foundation, so all in all not too shabby. But thanks to social media and the internet, there are plenty of videos and pix to make us *almost* feel like we were there.

Then again, Leo has somehow been a constant presence on the internet, despite the man himself being a more reserved and private celebrity. Case in point: Memes.

Just like it’s difficult to find a person who hates Leo IRL, the internet feels the same adoration for him, by making him the subject of many a meme. So to celebrate Leo in all his glorious 39 years of existence, here are some of the greatest viral items of one of the greatest actors of our generation.

Strutting Leo

The one that stands out the most – strutting Leo. Originally taken while he was on set filming Inception, the folks of the interwebz took this comical pic of Leo and Photoshop him into various other scenes.

Inception Leo

This was taken straight from a scene in Inception where Cobb (Leo) is talking to Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy), but Leo’s reaction face is what got the internet nerds all in a tizzy.

Rage over Leo’s lack of Oscars

Pretty self explanatory. The Academy hates Leo. The Internet hates the Academy.

Bad Luck Leo

In which Jack Dawson looks happy on the outside, but on the inside, his heart is frozen over.

Poppin ‘n Lockin Leo

If this doesn’t convince you to see Wolf of Wall Street, I don’t know what will

Basically, this was just posted everywhere and anywhere and sometimes in wall form.

Time-Travelling Demon Leo

THIS THEORY IS TOO GOOD IT FREAKS ME OUT. *read more here!*

 

Academy Awards 2013: Best and Worst Dressed

Here are our picks for the Best and Worst Dressed from the Oscars. And in case you missed it, check out our live blog from last night. Entertaining commentary and gifs galore!

Best Dressed

Traci’s Picks

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture

Oh J Law. I just adore you so much. You look like a cloud, and I mean that in a good way. Who knows if it was the dress, or your stunned look when you won, but you’re the only person that could trip up the stairs and still make it look cool. You win.

Jessica Chastain in Armani Prive

From the moment I saw her, I knew she would be one of the best dressed of the night. She said she wanted to look old Hollywood-esque and she absolutely nailed it. This is the best thing I’ve seen her in all season. Perfect Oscar dress.

Reese Witherspoon in Louis Vuitton

This dress is kind of reminiscent of J Law’s from the Globes, but I love this blue color and the black accents at the top and sides. Apparently Reese’s daughter Ava helped pick out the dress, and the only reason that is disconcerting is because Ava is 13 years old. 13!!!!

Stacy Keibler in Naeem Kahn

George Clooney’s girl legit looks like a Greek godess. Life is unfair.

Amy Adams in Oscar de la Renta

Amy looks like a princess in this dress, an older, more mature, Oscar-nominated version of Princess Giselle, if you will. And she looks fantastic.

Honorable mentions: Halle Berry redeeming herself from the Golden Globes disaster in Versace, Sally Field looking stunning in Valentino, and really, the winner of best dressed, and life overall First Lady Michelle Obama in Naeem Kahn.

Flawless First Lady is Flawless.

Molly’s Picks

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture

I hate when people are like, “Jennifer Lawrence is just pretending to be cool, but she’s probably just really fake.” Do you mean that she’s actually unfunny and had someone piping things into her ear in the post-Oscars press conference? Or that she’s secretly ugly when we’re not looking? Traci’s right, she DOES look like a cloud. A beautiful cloud who is on my top 10 list of Celebrities It Would Be Fun To Be Seated Next To On An Airplane.

Jessica Chastain in Giorgio Armani

Good color. Good cut. I might be imagining things but I think she looks happier in this than in the Golden Globes number. And like almost all humans, she really does look better with a side part.

Sandra Bullock in Elie Saab

Almost all of my best dressed picks involve a journey from dislike or confusion to love, and this is no exception. I didn’t notice the semi-sheer effect on the lower part of the skirt at first. Then I noticed and disliked it. Then I thought the effect of floating beadwork at the hem was gorgeous. But tie your hair up, Sandy. Or give me the number of whomever did your keratin treatment.

Kerry Washington in Miu Miu

I still think she looks like Oscars Barbie in this. At first I wasn’t sure about the gold tones in the textured bodice with the coral/pink skirt, but now I am sure. I like it.

Amanda Seyfried in Alexander McQueen

Usually keyhole neckline situations remind me of how skanky ladies dressed up fancy in the early 90s. But this doesn’t read that way. Someone said this was gray but it reads as a really soft lavender with fantastic gold beading. Bonus points for her hair which looks like the perfect messy updo — I think a lot of ladies either overdo the messy or overdo the updo, so that it looks like slept-on prom hair. But not Karen Smith.

Honorable Mentions: Michelle Obama because she is flawless and everything I wish I could be; Quvenzhane Wallis because she’s so stinkin’ cute; Bradley Cooper because his little VEST and his little MOM, oh my goodness.

Worst Dressed

Traci’s Picks

Anne Hathaway in Prada

Nipplegate 2013. It’s a shame, because as soon as I saw her on the red carpet, I was shaking my head knowing this would forever be the dress she won her first Oscar in.

Zoe Saldana in Alexis Mabille Couture

If Zoe was trying to impress her ex Bradley Cooper in this dress, it didn’t work. Plus he was the one nominated for an Oscar. Kbye.

Daryl Hannah

Look who swam up to the shore for the Oscars. Someone get Daryl a dinglehopper, because I don’t think she had time to do her hair on the way from Santa Monica.

Brandi Glanville in BrandB

If you don’t know who this is, good for you. But in case you were wondering, she’s on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, most well known for being Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife and trash talker of LeAnn Rimes. First off, why are you at the Oscars. SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE. Second, she looks HORRENDOUS in this dress. I mean, her boobs. hello?? (insert Seth’s Boobs song here) And guess who designed it? She did. Also I’m pretty sure she got a fresh injection of botox right before the show.

Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra Haute Couture

Here’s the thing about dressing for the Oscars, or any awards show, or LIFE, really. You have to make sure whatever you’re wearing is the right fit for you, physically and mentally. K Stew just looks so so awkward and uncomfy in this. Given she had a messed up ankle and crutches, but still, you have to work with what you got. She just looks like an imposter.

Molly’s Picks

Anne Hathaway in Prada

I didn’t think about Anne Hathaway’s nipples this much when I was looking at her actual nipples in Brokeback Mountain. Late 90s Gwyneth + Early 2000s prom dress + world’s worst dart placement.

Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra Haute Couture

I don’t understand this because I don’t want to understand it. K Stew doesn’t understand it either, because she is very, very high.

Melissa McCarthy in David Meister Signature

I’m pretty sure this is jersey, which I don’t think lends itself to formalwear. I don’t understand the black thing that comes out near her leg. And it doesn’t seem to drape well, like there’s too much fabric. Just moving the ruching up to her waist would make a world of difference. I feel like I’m looking at a whole lot of jersey material and I’d rather look at Melissa.

Halle Berry in Versace

I am pleased that Halle wore an entire, intact dress, unlike at the Golden Globes. But as I said in the liveblog, this looks like something my grandmother would have worn on her trips to Vegas in the early 90s. I can’t really put my finger on the problem but I think it’s the overly structured shoulders. Like, Oscar gown meets power suit.

Marcia Gay Harden in David Meister

This is too red and the sleeves are too weird. Doesn’t work.

Dishonorable mentions: Jennifer Hudson (I know I’m coming down on the wrong side of history with this one; Jennifer herself looked beautiful but I was not feeling the snakeskin situation), Jennifer Garner (pretty, except the butt ruffle), Amy Adams, maybe (half the time I loved it, half the time I felt like she looked like a feather duster).

Live Blog: The 2013 Academy Awards

Happy Oscar night! So glad you came to join us. Please refresh the page every five minutes or so because WordPress doesn’t allow realtime liveblogging.

M: Welcome to the Cookies + Sangria 2013 liveblog! We’re watching the preshow on E because we… watch preshows on E. Also my family is here right now, so I may include their commentary but it would probably be too painful for all of us (read: my father has already called Reese Witherspoon fat). However, my sister-in-law just suggested that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host everything so… we might be okay.

M: Molly’s Sister-in-Law Commentary: Jennifer Lawrence’s smiling face and Jennifer Lawrence’s straight face look like two entirely different people.

Molly’s Brother Commentary: The E! Preshow is like mean girls in high school. To everyone’s face they’re like “oh my god you look amazing!” and then to their friends the next day it’s all (whispering) “did you see her DRESS?!” Also, Jennifer Lawrence has the voice of a 38-year-old.

T: I love when I forget that TV people are in movies. i.e. Bryan Cranston was in Argo. Also, I haven’t seen Argo, so that’s probably why.

T: Sally Field in a red gown and I literally just said “Va-va-VOOM” to myself. what.

M: Jennifer Lawrence looks amazing! I mean I can only see the very top of her dress but I’m pretty sure. Early warning, my “w” key is sticking a bit so that may get messy later.

T: wait… what just happened with JLaw at the mani cam??? She literally looked into the tiny camera and said, “Your ass is mine, Stone” (to Emma Stone) I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

M: I didn’t catch the context of that either but are they friends? I love that and want to be friends with them. I mean they could blog with us. I mean we’d let them.

T: I’d let J Law and Emma do whatever they wanted with me (take that however you want).

M: For those of you who aren’t around people who change the channel during the commercial break, ESPN just presented the “jeers of January,” the #1 being this guy who cleaned his sweaty arms/pits with a towel and tossed it to his teammate, who wiped his face with it. This is why I don’t do sports.

M: Sister-in-law commentary: the woman to Jennifer Hudson’s left looks like J.Hud if things had gone the other way

T: LOL re: J Hud’s guest. I believe that’s her sister.

M: My family is formulating theories for why actors are so short. They think they were the extroverted people who weren’t cut out for sports. I mean probably. (Source: Am tiny and unathletic; did theater).

T: What a tender moment between Dustin Hoffman and Sally Field. I play this game in my head called, ‘what movie were these two actors in together?’ I lost that particular round.

M: We just convinced my dad that Joseph Gordon Levitt and Sally Field are married. Are they married? Or just together for interviews? Also my dad just asked if Charlize Theron has come out of the closet yet. I don’t know if I can do this.

T: Melissa McCarthy is rocking some TEXAS sized hair tonight. I still think she’s the best. Tami Taylor would be proud.

M: Quvanzhane Wallis is actually walking down the carpet underneath J.Law’s giant dress-flounce (that’s why we haven’t seen her yet).
M: My dad: What if Tom Cruise had to present to Katie Holmes at one of these shows?
Me: I … don’t think Katie Holmes will be winning an award at one of these shows.

T: Anytime Ryan interviews an Idol alum on the red carpet, I feel like he’s thinking ‘I am proud, but also am partly responsible for your success.’ Also, remember how Jennifer Hudson has an Oscar??

M: Kimora Lee Simmons exists outside of ANTM in 2005? Okay, I guess. Also my sister in law just said she’s only like 36 or something. Is that close to true?

T: Helen Hunt is wearing H&M. And also $700,000 worth of jewels. So I mean that equals out, I guess.

M: I think I have a weird crush on Christoph Waltz. Does anyone know if he’s straight? This is all very hypothetical anyway, my relationship with Christoph Waltz.

T: Is anyone else distracted by these Japanese reporters next to Ryan? I feel like they’re going to do the little azn giggle thing any time a big star comes over to talk to them.

M: Anne Hathaway… early 2000s prom dress? She looks pretty, though.

T: Anne’s dress, in addition to looking like a prom dress, is reminiscent of Gwyneth Paltrow’s in 1999. Also, the dress has its own wikipedia page.

M: Anne Hathaway is wearing Prada/ (Insert Devil Wears Prada ref)

M: I don’t understand Naomi Watts’s neckline, because I think I’d need an engineering degree to do that. Charlize Theron just collided with the actor-wrangler. Or some woman with a badge and sunglasses.

T: If I cut my hair like Charlize, I’d look like one of her prisonmates in Monster. Charlize looks like an angel.

M: I’d look like a 7-year-old boy. I mean more than I do already.

T: BTW, for an insider’s perspective (someone who lives in LA), the intersection of Hollywood and Highland is one that I pass by every day to get to work. Here’s a photo I took on Monday, when they shut down a block of Hollywood Blvd. While I still think it’s awesome that the Oscars are literally happening minutes away from me right now, it’s annoying since I had to take a whole different route to work today. #FirstWorldLAProblems.
photo

T: GLORIA COOPER. YOU ROCK THAT PINK FEATHERED SHAWL.

M: Did Bradley Cooper bring his mother? I love him and I think she’d make a great mother-in-law to anybody who is me.

M: Who is that person on E wearing the polka dotted gown thing? Is it made of vinyl? I hate it.

T: That person on E! also just said “side boobies”

M: Also,” half-boob”? Isn’t that just cleavage? Like, low cleavage?

T: E is currently scrolling the Governor’s Ball menu on their chyron right now and it is literally making my mouth water. I should probably eat something.

M: I think Jessica Chastain got it right this time! I need to see the dress again. I hope so. She’s one of those celebs I technically don’t know much about but I just really irrationally think she’s probably a fantastic person.

T: Why are we watching the Vanity Fair red carpet right now? Like there aren’t any celebrities at the Oscars red carpet right now to interview?? I mean Leslie and Judd look great and all, but I want to see Jennifer Aniston again.

M: Yes, we all love Maude Apatow’s parents (as they’ll probably be known in like 20 years) but I agree.

T: J Hud’s stylist… I kind of would watch a reality show about your life.

M: While I like Anne Hathaway, I’d like to make a special shoutout to the person who found our blog today by Googling “anne hathaway stinks and she can’t sing and she is ugly.” Thanks for dropping in!

T: omg LOL at that Anne Hathaway Google search

M: Right? I wonder if it was a 12 year old or an adult with a lot of feelings about Anne Hathaway. Maybe that ex-fiancé of hers who was busted for being a shyster

T: hahaha the latter, I assume

T: Legit going to switch over to ABC if they don’t go back to Ryan right now. Why are we watching still shots of Nicole Kidman?!

M: We just watched like 10 minutes of very marginally famous ladies talking about people’s dresses. Come on. That’s what we’re going to watch TOMORROW. Did ABC buy the rights to airing everything worth watching after 7:30EST?

T: I snuck over to ABC. I’m not going to lie. The Oscar Experience College Search winners are on – aka the college kids handing out the awards to the presenters tonight. And the AZN girl is a student at Emerson. what upppp!

M: Meanwhile on E, we are looking at still photos of the Garner-Afflecks. Clearly taken from afar by a wide-angle lens. Apparently they look like “any family, out on the town!” The only reason I can’t confirm/deny is that my family avoids going out on “the town,” at least as a unit.

T:… Did G just talk about Ben Affleck’s beard tweeting her. WHAT IS GOING ON.

M: Did all of their on-carpet camera people DIE OH MY GOD WHAT IS E NOT TELLING US?!

T: Conspiracy theory: Sasha Baron Cohen came back as The Dictator and instead of white powder, he poured anthrax on Ryan on the red carpet.

M: Everybody stop contemplating how much exercise Jane Fonda does and what kind. First of all, it’s all in her videos and second of all bitch has straight-up plastic surge (not judging, can’t afford it anyway).

T: Meanwhile on ABC, Hugh Jackman lifted Kristin Chenoweth in one arm and his wife in the other. And Kelly Rowland left Beyonce at home and interviewed smokeshow Chris Evans in an awkward fashion. Still better than Jane Fonda exercise commentary.

M: This E! Commentary is like watching the Oscars in a room full of people who happen to be in the urgent care waiting room when you are, or something. They are no more funny or interesting than the general population.

T: Vanity Fair just tweeted that E!’s cameras were kicked off the red carpet. Can’t tell if that’s frreal or not. My assumption is that actually might be true. Somewhere, the producers are yelling their brains out.

M: That is the only thing that makes sense right now. This is painful. Well. Sandra Bullock is so pretty but I wish she’d bring her adorable baby everywhere as an accessory. A lot of babies aren’t cute (just being real) but that one … Also, sometime I’m going to post sexist movie commentary of my dad’s that I’ve collected, but he’s pretty bad with red carpet events too, apparently. Salma Hayek? “Not that pretty.”

T: There is a one shot on ABC of Jennifer Aniston being interviewed and Adele in the back. I die. (we switched to ABC because frankly, there’s only so much fashion commentary from Kelly Osbourne one can take.)

M: Aniston! Love her. Wish her hair was less plain than it always is. I’m not saying she should bring back the Rachel but oh my goodness, what would we all do if she brought back the Rachel?

T: I would like to be BFFs with Cheno and Jennifer Garner. Also, Cheno is doing a fab job, is there anything she can’t do? Really.

M: Little known fact: Cheno is ¼ English, ½ German, and ¼ Pixie. And she’s singing tonight!! I didn’t know that before, but yay!

T: I think Halle Berry is wearing a very similar dress to Norah Jones. Oops.

M: Halle Berry wanted to “go as a Bond girl” to the Oscars, but she accidentally went as my grammy, in the early 90s, on one of her Vegas trips. Whoopsie!

T: OH MY GOD Cheno standing next to Adele is insane. Adele is 5’9” and Cheno is like 4’9”. DEAD.

M: Which of George Clooney’s lady friends is this one? I never bother to tell them apart.

T: Stacy Kiebler. I remember this because her name is a cookie.

M: The audio between this interview and a Cheno one is overlapping. Cheno’s great grandfather was an elf, by the by. And I freakin LOVED those Keebler E.L. Fudge cookies.

T: BREAKING NEWS: WHILE WE WERE WATCHING 30 EXTRA UNNECESSARY MINUTES OF FASHION COMMENTARY ON E!, AARON PAUL FROM BREAKING BAD GOT MARRIED. SAD YET HAPPY DAY FOR ALL.

M: I don’t watch Breaking Bad but I’m familiar with Aaron Paul from liking how he looks.

T: Just realized that Bryan Cranston didn’t go to his wedding. oh well.

T: BTW, Seacrest made his way into the fashion studio across the street, so he def got kicked off the red carpet. Well, props to him, because seriously, he is the best interviewer on the red carpet. Love that man.

M: I’m betting the Fashion Police commentary will be extra-angry tomorrow since everyone’s feeling all jilted. Everything Cheno says tonight sounds like the spoken lines from “Popular” in Wicked. Please tweet us at @CookiesSangria if you know what E did to get kicked off!

T: FYI, it is NOT cold in Los Angeles right now. I’m looking at you Anne Hathaway.

T: Everytime I see Jamie Foxx’s daughter, she is STUNNING. Also, he was hitting on Kelly Rowland and they had to awkwardly cut away.

M: For real, Foxx’s daughter is so pretty! I remember that she at an Awards show with him back in the Ray era and she was like 10. I’m old.

T: Kristen Stewart was on crutches? Is that why she was shaking like a meth addict?

M: It could have been meth, I don’t really know what she’s into.

T: LEMON FACE! I mean Renee Zellweger. What happened to you?

M: Is Renee Zellwegger relevant? I mean other than to her family and friends and, you know, the universe as a whole in a general “no man is an island” sense?

T: Is anyone playing Oscars Bingo? Here’s one from Entertainment Weekly.

M: Queen Latifah! I love her so much. I was in an airport in France, and my friend said “Queen Latifah just walked by!” but I heard it as “Queen Latifah just died!” so I said “NO! I LOVE Queen Latifah!” really, really loud, and the Queen looked at me. Then my friend talked to her and I stood there. She’s really pretty. She was with who I assume to be her ladyfriend. And I don’t mean that in the sense that Traci here is my lady/friend.

T: Queen La looks like she’s heading to her wedding. A lesbian wedding. Yeah I said it.

T: Whoa. The stage is what I want my wedding to look like. Also, RDJ is not impressed with Seth MacFarlane.

T: For the record, I don’t like Family Guy, and frankly I find Seth to be a little annoying. I did like Ted though. So let’s hope he’s not douchey tonight.

M: So far, I’m happy/surprised that MacFarlane’s tone hasn’t been too mean/negative, which I was expecting. But you know, I’ll really never be happy until Amy Poehler is hosting everything. EVERYTHING. From the Oscars to the Nobel prize to that second-cousin’s bridal shower I don’t want to go to.

T: Good lord, that guy LOOKS like a Coppola.

M: Ohh okay. I’m one of those people who will joke about anything/everything with friends of mine, but public domestic violence jokes? Just not awesome.

T: Ok, legit just LOLed at the Jodie Foster joke. Freaking Jodie Foster’s speech was the worst.

M: I read a transcript of Jodie Foster’s speech but I’d have had better luck interpreting hieroglyphics or the cursive chapter introductions of BabySitters Club Super-Specials.

T: Not even 10 minutes in and the weird William Shatner/Star Trek segment adresses the lack of Tina and Amy.

M: Are all of the actresses’ eyerolls in this “I Saw Your Boobs” song part of a bit, or does the whole world hate Seth MacFarlane? My upper lip is curling in disgust involuntarily. I don’t think boob humor is too crass. I just hate when things aren’t funny.

T: I AM SO CONFUSED AS TO WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. Seth just went from
singing to a song about boobs to singing The Way You look Tonight with a ballroom dance including two hot actors. I get the whole bit but this is stupid.

M: Channing Tatum is dancing sooo I … guess I don’t care whether this is funny right now (it’s still not, though).

M: Star Trek references will never be part of my interest set. Sometimes people on Facebook repost things from that nice-seeming Asian man but… that’s about as far as it will ever go with me. What the shit are these sock puppets? And Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon Levitt. I hate MacFarlane for being terrible, then putting beautiful people on the stage to sing and dance so I stop being mad. That’s a terrible trick.

T: SETH you are ruining this amazing song and dance number by JGL and Harry Potter. (Just expect me to be annoyed at Seth, moving forward).

M: I’m looking up some more outfits online. Looks like Q… Wallis had another puppy purse. I’m glad she sticks with what works for her, like Anna Wintour with her haircut, but I sort of hoped she’d really go for it. Cat purse or something. Elephant purse maybe. Oh ALSO the internet said she was just cast as Annie which is terrible news because that means I wasn’t cast as Annie. Have they SEEN me?! I guess she’s a fine second choice.

M: I love Octavia Spencer! Also she and J.Chastain are one of the cutest celeb friendships, from what little I’ve seen. Oh hey – first category! Best supporting actor. I saw everything here but The Master, but I’d like PSH to win, because Rochester.

T: Listen, I haven’t seen Django, but I did see Christoph host SNL and that was surprisingly hysterical.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTORChristoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook
Alan Arkin, Argo
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln

Traci’s prediction: Christoph Waltz
Molly’s prediction: Alan Arkin
Winner: Christoph Waltz

M: My boy!! Kind of. I only decided to have a crush on him about an hour ago.

T: Jack Nicholson is in the audience and the first shot of him is looking mighty confused. Sounds about right.

T: Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy’s intro was better than the entirety of Seth’s monologue. Well, most of it at least.

M: Animated short film. Well, 17 minutes in and we’re already to the “shit I don’t care about” segment. The segment being about ¾ of the program. I guess I wanted the Maggie Simpson one to win to the extent I wanted any of these to win. I’m sure they’re all lovely.

T: Yes, you WERK that kilt, guy from Brave. Is the woman with him also dressed up like a character from the movie, or is that real life?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Frankenweenie
The Pirates
Wreck-It Ralph
Paranorman
Brave

Traci’s prediction: Brave
Molly’s prediction: Brave
Winner: Brave

M: The people from Brave appeared in costume, I guess. The man is dressed as a disgruntled boy whose mom made him do Irish dance (read: my brother in 1990), and the woman is dressed as a person who got lost on her way back from a Civil War reenactment.

M: They are now announcing best picture nominees, starting with Les Miserables. All of my feelings and Traci’s feelings about this movie are in our liveblog.They’re doing this weird. They’ve moved on to Life of Pi.

Life of Pi
Molly’s take: I tried to read this book and failed like three times. That never happens to me. This is the first time I’ve ever said this about a book-to-film adaptation, but I really do think this story works better as a movie than a book.

Traci’s take: Boy on a raft with tiger?
And then, straight to Beasts of the Southern Wild? Eh, at least maybe they’ll cut some run time this way.

Beasts of the Southern Wild
Molly’s take: I really really liked this. The performances were incredible and there were weird non-literal special effects (beasts. In the Southern Wild), which I liked — usually I don’t care for that kind of thing. Don’t think it has much of a shot, to be quite honest.

Traci’s take: I watched this on Friday night. Qua.. (Q, I call her), was absolutely fantastic in this movie. Overall I liked it, didn’t love it, but don’t think it’s going to win either.

M: MacFarlane just said Quvenzhane wrong. No, just kidding. There’s no way to say Quvenzhane wrong. BTW girl is living my nine-year-old dreams and is so adorable I almost teared up a little. You know, I spelled Quvenzhane wrong and Google docs actually recognized it and angry red underlined it. Meanwhile, my last name is something like the eighth most common surname in Ireland and Google Docs is always like, wait… you made a mistake there, right?

T: Oh good lord that George Clooney joke was second hand embarrassment to the max.

T: Did I just have a stroke, or did I not understand anything the Avengers just said?

M: No, I didn’t even understand the name of this category. I take it Life of Pi just won for something technical or… okay, cinematography. That’s fair. It was very pretty. The cinematographer has a soft-looking long white mane that I would like to weave into some sort of a crown braid.

T: This guy might just be waking up from his quaalude trip from 1967. But I mean, congrats.

M: They’re doing visual effects which is probably important to some people. But I think all of those people are there, because they’re nominated, so it’s okay to take a bathroom break or get some tea right now.

T: I’m using this time during the awards I don’t care about to check Instagram. I just found out that Aaron Paul IS NOT married. It was his fiancee’s bridal shower. False alarm folks.

M: They may be cutting into this speech with the Jaws theme. That is the most aggressive overtime music I’ve ever seen. They should start pulling the long-winded winners off with a giant crook, vaudeville, style.

T: I thought it was the Jaws theme too!!! Did you guys see the look on Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s faces!! This is so embar.

M: I will never get used to seeing Keith Urban at Hollywood events. Or Nicole Kidman at country music events.

T: Channing is doing his best acting work right now. In related news: DILF. And if you win for something like costume design, you better be wearing an amazing out of this world dress. Can’t say that for this woman.However, she wins for best speech so far.

M: The top of that dress looks like a cozy sweater I’d wear on a day when I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be leaving my office very much. Also I forgot to pay attention during her speech, I’ve really got to be better about that.

T: THE MAKEUP AND HAIR CHICK IS WEARING PINK LEGGINGS. ATTENTION. PINK LEGGINGS.

M: Ohh no. The outfit on the makeup lady for Les Miserables. Is she dressed as a consumptive prostitute because that is the only excuse. She looks like when tweenage girls over-accessorize and wear a bunch of sparkly shit because they like it and don’t know better.

T: Work, Halle. Is this when Adele sings? I’m listening.

M: I didn’t see Skyfall because I have a personal policy of not watching movies that are going to bore me.

T: I actually can’t even recall if I’ve ever seen a Bond movie.

M: Pretty sure I never have. I could make up a nice-sounding reason that had to do with violence and misogyny, which I’m sure is in there, but it’s honestly because they look boring to me. But I have seen Austin Powers, which is probably the same thing but funny.

T: Yeah, I’ve seen Charlie’s Angels, so that’s the same too.

M: Who is this bitch who’s not Adele? The lyrics to this song are so bad and generically Bond-y that I think she’s just making them up on the spot. “Gold” “He loves Gold” “Pretty Girl”. And then a lot of sassy arm movements.

T: Man, Shirley Bassey is bringing the DRA-MA.”HE LOVES GOLD”

M: Evidently the Bond films are about a man who enjoys gold. The audience is considerably more impressed than I am.

T: Hey, wasn’t there a guy on Austin Powers in Goldfinger that kept saying “I love gooooolld”? That’s Shirl Bassey right now.

M: That’s probably what Austin Powers was referencing. Leave it to me to watch a parody of something that I’ve never even seen. Anyway, nice work, Shirl. She really made me feel how much this man enjoys gold.

T: I don’t watch Scandal, I hear it’s good. But that commercial just made me want to watch the shit out of it.

M: Kerry Washington looks like Oscars Barbie, right? Also I was so blinded by Jamie Foxx’s pretty child earlier that I didn’t notice his sparkly bow tie.

Actually Shawn Christensen.

T: Shawn Christensen, the winner of the live action short film is ADORABLE. What is this accent? He looks like he could be the frontman of an emo band from 2004.

M: Yes. Like he’d have been in a band that Seth Cohen listened to. He’s precious. All right, best picture nominees again: Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty.

Argo
Molly’s take: Loved everything about this. Wish Affleck were nominated for Best Director. My favorite part was the whole movie and my second-favorite part was during the credits when they showed the split-screen of the locations/people in the movie vs real life. They weren’t playing it up. The 70s seriously looked like that.
Traci’s take: Ben Affleck is getting this award and I’m hoping to God he’s going to tell the Academy to SUCK IT.

Lincoln
Molly’s take: I mean the following in the least self-deprecating way possible: I don’t think I was smart enough for this. But how much do you want to have a folksy 19th century politician to tell you funny, apt anecdotes? I wish Daniel Day Lewis as Abe Lincoln was my friend or uncle. I have never heard anything quite like that accent of his, for the record.
Traci’s take: I saw this with my parents and didn’t really want to go in the first place. But I mean it was well done, and the acting was good, but I think I fell asleep for part of it. Just hand Dan Lewis the Oscar already.

Zero Dark Thirty
Molly’s take: This film was fairly long, but my mind didn’t wander once during it. Why wasn’t Kathryn Bigelow nominated, again? Also: Andy Dwyer as a Navy Seal. Yes, please.
Traci’s take: So I’ve only seen four out of the five best picture movies, so expect half-assed commentary. I wanted to watch this movie, specifically because of Andy Dwyer. I mean – HELLO.

T: I thought there was going to be a JLo joke in there and a quick cutaway to the Affleck-Garners. Thank God I was wrong.

M: You’d think I’d be really jazzed about Best Documentary Feature because cerebral foreign documentaries are the ONLY thing that Netflicks thinks I know how to love, but no. Haven’t seen any of these. Molly fact of the day: the gent who directed the terrible stranger danger film I was in as a kiddo was nominated for Best Documentary. Not for the stranger danger film. Sat next to Anjelica Houston. Ohh shit. Jaws music again.

T: So the producers are just using Seth every second possible, right? Do we really need to know what’s coming up in the next segment? I swear, he’s getting more screen time than Amy and Tina did at the Globes. To quote Kenan Thompson on SNL, What’s Up With That?

BEST FOREIGN FEATURE
Amour
No
Rebelle (War Witch)
A Royal Affair
Contiki

Traci’s prediction: Amour
Molly’s prediction: Amour
Winner: Amour

M: Amour was, I suppose, technically a very good movie but it was so ridiculously sad that I can’t recommend watching it if you’re the kind of human who has feelings. Let’s just stop and notice how really good Emmanuelle Riva looks for whatever her age is.

T: Seth stayed away from making fun of John Travolta, because, well, the Scientologists would be after him in a heartbeat.

T: AARON TVEIT!! Ok, yes I got excited about him during our Les Mis live blog too, but whatever, he is WORTH IT.

M. YES YES AARON TVIET It’s like I’m so happy that I almost didn’t notice the ridic French accent Travolta used when he said Les Miserables (Xenu forgive me).

T: Hi, Chicago was released TEN YEARS ago. TEN.

M: Okay, that’s why Zellwegger’s here. TEN YEARS. Is Catherine Z-J’s dress see-through? I’m confused by it.

T: Oh hey So You Think You Can Dance alums, I see you.

M: Did Z-J just pull a Beyonce – Inauguration (lip sync) or a Beyonce – Halftime Show (live performance)?

T: Pretty sure she did. I hope she gets a lot of shit from this, and tries to sing the national anthem at a press conference before she performs at the Super Bowl. Oh JK she can’t do that because she’s Catherine Zeta-Jones, not Beyonce.

T: Shut it all down, J Hud blew everyone at the Oscars away. Does she know she can’t win another award for this?

M: I don’t know whether I should be like, “DAMN – listen to Jennifer Hudson” or “DAMN – look at Jennifer Hudson.” Either way. Damn, girl.

T: OH GREAT, Russell Crowe is following Jennifer Hudson. HAHAHAHA. Best of luck, mate.

M: Is it too late for him to just not? I guess so. Ohh and he’s doing “Suddenly?” Nahh, bud.

T: AMANDA LOOKS AMAZING. And Samantha Barks’ waist STILL looks CGI-ed!!!

M: SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST SAMANTHA BARKS WAIST. I knew we’d get that one into another post.

T: I LEGIT JUST STOOD UP AND SCREAMED “AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT, AARON TVEIT”
Why is Russell Crowe’s mic up higher than everyone else’s???? Sasha Baron Cohen is OVER it.

M: If I could take my eyes off the screen I’d search for a gif of Ron Swanson reacting to Lil Sebastian at the Harvest Festival, because that is my face right now. Also I think that’s to get his mic farther from his voice area.

T: I don’t think this is the gif you’re looking for, but I’d like to imagine you making this Swanson face.

M: I wish I had thought to do that with my face, but I was thinking of the giddy smile/laugh when he first saw Lil S.

T: Ted. Oh Ted. He’s the only one who can pronounce Les Miserables wrong and get away with it. Also, Hugh looked confused and astonished that they won. Can Ted say “AHHgo” all the time please.

M: A tie? That’s got to be fake.

T: How do ties effect at home awards ballots?!? But really, when was the last time there was a tie at the Oscars? And is it a pre req to have long hair and an indistinguishable Scandinavian accent if you’re a sound mixer?

M: So many people vote, ties just seem really improbable. I don’t know much about sound editing, but I think that both of the male winners look like what I’d expect a sound editor to look like – middle aged Caucasian men with scraggly long blondish hair. Ohh except the second one has some kind of fancy dangly earring.

T: OH MY GOD A SOUND OF MUSIC REFERENCE. THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN.

M: If Seth keeps making movie-musical refs I could be persuaded to change my feelings about him.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Sally Field, Lincoln
Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Amy Adams, The Master

Traci’s prediction: Anne Hathaway
Molly’s prediction: Anne Hathaway. Sally Field. No… yeah. Sally Field.
Winner: Anne Hathaway

M: Anne Hathaway Ugly Cry. Damn. That settles it: Sorry, Claire Danes, Anne Hathaway is THE ultimate ugly crier, ending our Cookies + Sangria Ugly Cry Showdown… for now.

T: It’s just so unfortunate that she has to accept her first Oscar in this nip dress. It’s fucking distracting.

M: I liked when Cheno subtly complimented Hathaway on how her hair was growing out tonight. Subtext: “So… you ARE growing your hair out, right?”

T: How many times did she rehearse this speech? She memorized all those names like they were her bitch. Did she just shout out to prostitutes?? And are 1920s movie girls handing out snacks?

M: I hoped she’d say something more exciting during the speech – sometimes she says fantastic things, really, like when she shot down Matt Lauer re: her weight loss and wardrobe malfunction, quite beautifully – skip to 1:10 or so. She legit spun the prostitute thing really well. And I want a 1920s movie girl to bring me popcorn. WTF.

T: If I was at a party, I would be getting up from my seat and grabbing more guac and white wine during the President’s speech. instead, I’m at work and getting more water from the water cooler. #YouJeal

T: Ugh, J Law looks like a DREAM. From one flawless woman to another.

M: Watching Jennifer Lawrence cut to Adele just broke my self-esteem. The thing with this Skyfall song is I think we’re almost at the end of it and I still have no CLUE whether or not James Bond likes/dislikes gold.

T: Is that the LA Gay Men’s Chorus backing up Adele? Because that would be perfect. Excuse me, why is there no standing O for Adele? Is it because she didn’t sing about gold? Fuckery.

M: I hope it’s because the entire audience is just stunned into inaction.

T: Christoph Waltz sits casually with his Oscar laying in his lap. Like a fucking boss.

M: Okay, another batch of best pic nominees.

T: Oh yes, internet you have not failed me. Really hoping someone would post a gif of Sandy Bullock trying to open the envelope, and here it is.

Silver Linings Playbook:
Molly’s take: This is a movie I could watch again and again, like Titanic when I was 11. Also, nearly everyone I know who has seen this loved it, which almost never happens. Definite dark horse material.

Traci’s take: I went to the theater not really knowing what the movie was about, but didn’t care because I heard it was really good and J Law + Bradley Cooper were in it. Fortunately, the good reviews proved to be on point, because I loved it. As soon as it ended, I wanted to see it again. If Argo doesn’t take home Best Picture, this will.

Django Unchained
Molly’s take: I expected to really dislike Django Unchained but actually… I hated Django Unchained. Like Traci, Tarantino flicks are one of my pop culture blind spots, with good reason. I know the violence is supposed to be sort of winking/tongue in cheek, but it just doesn’t appeal to me. I will say that it was an excellent story and well-made film. For someone else to see.
Traci’s take: See Pop culture blind spots above: I don’t dig Django.

Amour
Molly’s take: I guess you should watch this if you are not depressed but wish you were. Listen, I already knew one smart, elderly Francophone lady who deteriorated really quickly and died slowly, and that was my grandma. Sorry, Emmanuelle Riva, you were excellent, but this was really bleak.
Traci’s take: Everytime I see the movie poster for Amour, I think it’s the old couple from Titanic. Is that not what this movie is?

T: The Harry Potter theme plays while Dan Radcliffe comes on to present, while Kristen Stewart is awkwardly hobbling on to the stage like Mad Eye Moody, confirming the fact that Harry Potter is better than Twilight. Well, everything is better than Twilight.

M: Kristen Stewart looks high and like she was just napping or doin it backstage. I half think she should just grow up and stop being awkward already and half think “you know what? You do you, Twilight.” I just realized that when Dan Radcliffe starts visibly aging, like obviously wrinkling and balding, I’m probably not going to take that well.

M: Pet peeve: when people clap during the in memorium, leading to thunderous applause for the really famous people and quiet slow-claps for less famous people. I’m wondering if they told everyone to be quiet this time, because I’m only hearing a few here and there. Ugh. Disrespectful.

T: This is my annoyance too! I might be making this up, but I think there was one year where the host or presenter, whoever asked the audience to hold their applause until the end of the montage.

M: I think you’re right. Hopefully that ended it forever. It’s like at graduations where some people get tons of applause and some people get nothing even though everyone earned the same degree, except worse.

T: Come to think of it, maybe I was thinking about graduation, and not the Oscars. I get the two confused.

M: Like the Oscars, our high school graduation was a lot of overly-long speeches, people I had never heard of getting awards, and Traci and I making snarky comments throughout (alphabetical neighbors, remember?).

T: It’s the only way I think I got through that graduation ceremony. And high school, really.

T: Is Barbra trying to make extensions work right now? Also, I can’t with this. With her.

M: Any of this. Also, I hate when people do slow, semi-rhythmic talking intros to songs with the music playing. It’s even worse when there’s a talk break in the middle of a song though. I just get embarrassed for the person. Even if that person is Barbra Streisand. GOD. She just did it. “Of course we would.”

T: There are only two types of people who do the semi-rhythmic talking intros: 1970s singing legends like Babs, and the only bass singer in R&B groups from the 1990s. And it’s still not okay.

T: They’re playing My Heart Will Go On, and it’s the one time I don’t want to slam my remote into the TV.

M: Look, Queen Latifah just came out! On to the stage. Come on, Q. Really.

T: Lady Mary was in Anna Karenina?? I should put that in my queue. Also, was Chicago that iconic of a movie that the Academy needed to celebrate its 10th anniversary? Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but, really?

M: I didn’t think Chicago was that big a thing, either. And we were teenagers into musical theater at the time, even. The score to Lincoln just sounded like the score to Little Women crossed with the score to Glory to me. I think there’s a standard 1860s songbook everyone’s working from. And I can NOT with this song with the lyrics “I don’t want to die alone… I don’t want to die alone… way before my time.” Is the title to that song “Things That Keep Me Up At Night When I Have To Wake Up Early The Next Day,” because probably. Things to also file under that title: It is 11:15 and I don’t see how this can end on time.

T: They should have brought Ted back to do a dance number with Norah Jones for this song. I. fucking. love. Adele.

M: Evidently I did a prediction for best original screenplay but not adapted. Adapted is up. I don’t know. Silver Linings Playbook? Or, actually it was Argo. That’s good too.

T: I was going to say Silver Linings too, but yeah, Argo. This guy is cute because he’s genuinely surprised and honored to get the award. WTG.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Flight
Zero Dark Thirty
Django Unchained
Amour
Moonrise Kingdom

Traci’s prediction: Zero Dark Thirty
Molly’s prediction: Django Unchained
Winner: Django Unchained

T: I dislike Tarantino almost as much as I dislike Tarantino films. I mean the man said, ‘Peace out.’

M: I think my dog looks how we both feel right now:

I think she just rolled her eyes at me.

T: I will give anything to see Jane Fonda scream out “BEN AFFLECK HAHAHAHAAHA JK ”

M: YES

BEST DIRECTOR
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Michael Haneke, Amour
Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Traci’s prediction:Steven Spielberg
Molly’s prediction: Steven Spielberg
Winner: Ang Li

M: Didn’t expect that even a little.

T: Okay, but instead of showing David O. Russell’s face in that box, they showed Emmanuelle Riva from Amour. Also didn’t realize the movie industry loved Ang Li so much.

M: I just realized that I know nothing about Ang Li as a person but I have the same irrational feelings of goodwill toward him as I do to Jessica Chastain. Weird. I’d never really thought about him before. Someone make a gif of his wife’s face when he said they’d been married 30 years.

M: Okay, I don’t even want to see Quvenzhane’s face at ALL when she (probably) doesn’t win. That’s why it doesn’t seem fair to nominate a little kid. I reacted poorly when I got knocked out in classroom spelling bees.

T: Awww, guys remember Jean DuJardin, and how big of a deal he was??

M: I’m getting knots in my stomach about this one, I swear.

T: I might vomit from nervousness.

BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emmanuelle Riva, Amour
Quvenzhané Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild

Traci’s prediction:Jennifer Lawrence
Molly’s prediction: Jessifer Lawtain. If I can’t do that… um… God. Jessica Chastain. I suppose.
Winner: Jennifer Lawrence

M: Is she okay?? “You guys are just standing up because you feel bad that I fell.” No NO we all love you.

T: THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED. I am legit tearing up. She is the only – THE ONLY – actress that can trip up the stairs and get away with it slash make fun of herself.

M: I just realized that logically I probably shouldn’t like Jennifer Lawrence? Because she’s beautiful and talented and an Oscar winner and several years younger than me, right? Fuck that. Love her.

T: It’s fine. Adele is 24.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Daniel Day Lewis, Lincoln
Denzel Washington, Flight
Hugh Jackman, Les Misérables
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master

Traci’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis
Molly’s prediction: Daniel Day Lewis
Winner: Daniel Day Lewis

T: uh, is Meryl so big that she can just name whoever she wants to win the Oscar?

M: Meryl didn’t open an envelope because Meryl is already off-book.

T: Dan Lewis’ got JOKES, y’all.

M: DDL doesn’t laugh at award show hosts because DDL has better material than them. The lipstick kiss on his cheek is adorable/hilarious.

BEST PICTURE
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Silver Linings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty
Lincoln
Les Miserables
Life of Pi
Amour
Django Unchained
Argo

Traci’s prediction: Argo
Molly’s prediction: Argo
Winner: EVERYONE because Michelle Obama is presenting. Also, Argo.

T: Glad to see Jack came off of his courtside seat at the Lakers game to join us. Also, I have no idea what you’re saying.

MICHELLE MICHELLE MICHELLE BEST DRESSED MICHELLE BOW DOWN
MICHELLE OBAMA IS THE BILL CLINTON OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS

M: I don’t care how late I just stayed up MICHELLE OBAMA you are everything I want to be. The military folks with her have GIANT ropes on their arm. Like entire spools of rope. I don’t know much about dress uniforms but I think that means they’re good.

T: Again, I haven’t even seen Argo, but I’m on the verge of crying for their win right now.

M: Anybody else getting a little misty out there? Because I sure am. And “work harder than you possibly think you can, don’t hold grudges, and it doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down, what matters is that you get back up” — good advice for any career. Love you, Mr. Affleck.

T: Update: I’m crying.

T: I forgot Cheno was singing, but is anyone still at the theater? JLaw is probs scavenging for food like Katniss.

M: If I were there, I’d be drunk by now.

T: Oh dear God, it’s all falling apart. Thankfully it’s over. See ya Seth. Can’t wait to see Entertainment Weekly’s headline tomorrow.

M: All right everybody, go to bed. It’s already tomorrow.

Come back tomorrow afternoon for our Best/Worst dressed post! Thanks for reading!