Author Archives: Molly

Live Blog: State of the Union

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Watch this space: I’ll be live blogging the State of the Union here starting at 9:00 EST. What can I say, it’s the POTUS’s final SOTU and I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. So if you haven’t pledged your  readership to any of the many other SOTU live blogs, come back here tonight – I promise ours will be a lot more fun and 100% less cynical than you’ll find on any political sites.

During the address, be sure to refresh the page periodically to get our latest updates.

9:00 We’ve been promised a “non-traditional” speech. What I’d like that to mean: a song, an elementary school-style skit with Joe Biden as “Narrator”, an interpretive dance, spoken word where the President EMPHASIZES words and employs… pauses… rhetorically.

9:02 According to the commentators, the State of the Union address has already been posted online, if you like reading speeches before you hear them, I guess. Meanwhile over here:

9:07 Everyone is clapping for what seems like an absurdly long time when President Obama enters. I hope this means that the final State of the Union is like the end of senior year of high school, when random people start becoming friendly with each other because they have nothing to gain by being enemies anymore?

9:10 Michelle is in a mustard-y orange & yellow, not even caring that it’s cold because her arms look good and she KNOWS.

9:11 The president promises that the address will be short, which feels like that thing the priest says on Easter morning and it’s always a lie.

9:12 Okay, but Democrats and Republicans do know that the blue/red color code is just for imaginary maps that CNN uses on election night, right? You can all wear all the colors.

9:14 If I were bored at the State of the Union, I’d start counting Tiny American Flag Pins.

9:15 Bernie Sanders looks like he needs a tall glass of orange juice, a nap, and a few hours of sunlight. Campaign life has got to be HARD.

9:20 First topic: the economy. POTUS discusses private sector job growth, gains in auto industry, declining unemployment – but acknowledges changes in economy- automation and outsourcing of jobs causing companies to be less loyal, unequal dispersion of wealth, and less leverage for raises. YES. Basically summarizes my experiences graduating college/starting law school at the beginning of the Great Recession.

9:23 Education is important …. but I’m not so into the reference to No Child Left Behind. Some of those NCLB mandates did much more harm than good. But yes for universal Pre-K!

9:25 That’s why Social Security and Medicare are more important than ever; we shouldn’t weaken them, we should strengthen them. – Obama discusses filling the gaps in employer-based care so that people are still covered (because no, COBRA didn’t really do that).

9:29 Now Obama has to do that dance where he pledges to tackle imbalances that favor large corporations, while affirming that he REALLY LIKES THE PRIVATE SECTOR.

9:31 Okay, we’re getting into it now: Food Stamp recipients didn’t cause the financial crisis; recklessness on Wall Street did. Immigrants aren’t the reason wages haven’t gone up enough; those decisions are made in the boardrooms that too often put quarterly earnings over long-term returns. It’s sure not the average family watching tonight that avoids paying taxes through offshore accounts.

9:32 Talking about American innovation and creativity, the POTUS sort of drags up the Space Race like we’re all secretly still a bit salty about Sputnik.

9:35 Obama declares that America will be the nation to cure cancer – and honestly. We should be. We’re one of the most populous and wealthiest countries on Earth with a solid (though flawed) educational system. I somehow doubt that a lack of brainpower isn’t what has stopped it from happening yet. Let’s get that going.

9:37 From there, Obama goes to climate change. While most reasonable minds agree that clean energy at the LEAST can’t hurt, roughly 25% of the audience starts shifting uncomfortably in their seats and making frowny faces.

9:39 The President says we should be “putting tens of thousands of Americans to work” building 21st century transportation. Sounds a lot like a modern-day New Deal type situation. All of the public sector WPA jobs did great things to stabilize incomes during the Depression, and I’ve been wondering why we haven’t been copying that during the Recession.

9: 42 I’m so interested in how some politicians/outlets use the ISIL acronym and others ISIS (with SISI a distant third).

9:45 There is some minor grumbling when Obama says that ISIL “do not threaten our national existence. That’s the story ISIL wants to tell; that’s the kind of propaganda they use to recruit.” But he’s absolutely correct: by definition, terrorists use fear to operate – which includes instigating the U.S. to take offensive action, thereby further stirring anti-Western sentiments in unstable states.

9:49 On a totally different note, sometimes Paul Ryan’s hairline looks like a heart.

9:50 REMEMBER EBOLA.

9:54 If you’re on Twitter right now, do yourself a favor and start following the #Ham4SOTU tag.

10:03 Obama discusses the necessity for voting reform (yes!), or for those rapping along, corruption’s such an old song that we can sing in harmony, and nowhere is it stronger than in Albany.

10:07 But I can promise that a year from now, when I no longer hold this office, I’ll be right there with you as a citizen — inspired by those voices of fairness and vision, of grit and good humor and kindness that have helped America travel so far.

Hamiltunes translation:

“Everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree
And no one shall make them afraid.”
They’ll be safe in the nation we’ve made
I wanna sit under my own vine and fig tree
A moment alone in the shade
At home in this nation we’ve made
One last time

10:10 Obama closes: “That’s the America I know. That’s the country we love. Clear-eyed. Big-hearted. Optimistic that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. That’s what makes me so hopeful about our future. Because of you. I believe in you. That’s why I stand here confident that the State of our Union is strong.”

But of course, I fill in “Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” after “clear-eyed.” Because Obama is like a combination of Coach and Mrs. Coach, and to mix pop culture references, now he’ll have to teach us how to say goodbye.

 

 

Best ___ Of 2015: Some Really Specific Superlatives

Posted in Miscellany by

2015 is over, and so is vacation. For a lot of us, this is the first day back at work for a week or two, and I, for one, am not ready. How not ready? I’m just going to bury my head in the sands of time and think about 2015 for a few more minutes. By now all of the year’s Best Of lists are out – best movie, best new television show, and so on. However, I think a few categories were left off the lists. From best Ham4Ham performance to best original song by a fictional artist, there’s a lot more of 2015 left to enjoy*.

*There isn’t, though. It’s over. Better get back to work after this. Yuck.

Best Ham4Ham performance of 2015: Love For The Techies Day

We aren’t going to talk about the best musical of 2015 – there’s no need, because I think we all agree here (#WeAreAHamiltonBlogNow). So how about the best performance from Ham 4 Ham, the Hamilton lottery? There are a lot of excellent contenders and you could make a solid argument for a handful of them, but I’m going with one of the more unorthodox performances: Love for the Techies Day. The whole company performed the Ten Duel Commandments, but it wasn’t just amazing because the entire cast was there. The stage manager called out all of the cues, and when you realize that he does that for the entire show, every day, you’ll be blown away.

Best dance craze of 2015: Whip & Nae Nae

… and NOT because it’s a good dance, but because it has followed the classic Dance Craze trajectory. It is easy enough that anybody can execute it, though maybe not well. It started as a reasonably “cool” thing to do, then trickled down to the elementary school set. From there, it has traveled way up the age bracket, and there’s a good chance that your mom or aunt has learned it at a wedding (possibly from a child). In a lot of ways, the nae nae is like the Macarena of 2015. Complete with annoying song that we’re all sick of.

Best viral video with a puppy in it: Drunk Girls Get Surprised With Puppies

This was not an easy choice, and I am fully open to more puppy video suggestions because I can’t get enough. I am particularly partial to puppies making friends with other species. But this one basically summed up my internal monologue when I see a puppy, so I’m going with it. Also my favorite puppy/horse video is from 2014, anyway.

Best viral video with a kitten in it: Meet Koko’s New Kittens

Koko always wanted a baby, but she got kittens instead. Apparently when a human does that it’s “sad” (whatever) but it sure is adorable when a gorilla did it. The gorilla is so gentle I want to cry.

Best new Netflix series – comedy: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The magic starts with the theme song and just keeps going. Master of None is a close second, but I’m not considering it a full-out *comedy* (we’ll explain).

Best new Netflix series – drama: Jessica Jones

I don’t know if this makes my opinion more or less valid (probably less?) but I’ve never seen a superhero show before. What I like is that it’s plot- and character- driven (and I realize that most superhero dramas are…) and there aren’t too many action sequences unless they actually move the story forward. Gratuitous action sequences are just something that tends to make me lose interest and avoid the genre. As a character study alone, I’m pleasantly surprised by how good this show is. [Full disclosure: real life got a little too real and I haven’t seen the last 3 episodes yet but I heard they’re excellent.]

Best new Netflix series – documentary: Making a Murderer

This isn’t the last you’ll hear from us about Making a Murderer, so I won’t say too much now. We both love how this filled the Serial-shaped hole in our lives (the new season of Serial is still good, but different).

Honorable mention for best documentary: Master of None, because I know it’s a comedy but it was also the REALEST thing I’ve seen in a while.

Best 90s television reunion: Saved By The Bell on Jimmy Fallon

This was 100% more Bayside-like than that weird school in the Lifetime movie about Saved By The Bell. I wonder at what point Mark Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez will stop looking exactly like 1993-era  Zach Morris and A.C. Slater given the right hair and wardrobe.

Best 2000s television reunion: Gilmore Girls 

And not just because we were there.  It’s not often that the entire cast of a show will reunite like that, and it’s even better now that we know that the series will be getting the sign-off it deserved.

Best original song by a fictional artist: Drip Drop – Hakeem Lyon on Empire

We love original songs by fictional artists so much that we did a whole playlist on the topic, but if we did that today there’s a chance it would just be Drip Drop ten times. Just think, a year ago at this time we had no idea what Empire was going to unleash on all of us.

Best children’s movie for adults: Inside Out

It’s great for kids, too, but something about this one really grabs most adults, plus a lot of the references to things like art and psychology are geared toward the grown-ups, anyway. Fair warning: this is also 2015’s Best Children’s Movie To Cry During, based on an informal survey of … us. We both cried.

Best uncanny resemblance between a  celebrity and a presidential candidate: Larry David/ Bernie Sanders

Many of the best impressions are performed by people who look nothing like the subject they’re impersonating. Still, there’s something so exciting when a politician has a ready-made celebrity doppelgänger (see: Tina Fey and Sarah Palin). It looks like we’ll all be feeling the Bern for at least a while longer, so let’s all hope that Larry David is willing to reprise his spot-on, no-effort impersonation.

Best surprisingly heartwarming pop culture moment: Shia LaBoeuf watches the Even Stevens movie

 

I don’t know how I feel about Shia LaBoeuf, but I DO know how I feel about Even Stevens: that it’s an essential part of my childhood television cannon, and when I say childhood I mean that it aired when I was in high school and was made for 8-year-olds. Shia’s latest performance art piece, #AllMyMovies, involved him… watching all of his movies. Yet when I watch all of Shia LaBoeuf’s movies, it’s not performance art, it’s just a weird Saturday. Anyway, his reactions to Even Stevens were actually precious.

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Things I’m Willing To Believe About 2015

Posted in Miscellany by

Almost everything that is going to happen in 2015 has already happened. That means we’ve reached the point where you can sit back and reflect on the year that was … not. None of the following things actually happened in 2015, but the way the past year was, I’m willing to believe all of them.

  • The fastest-rising baby names were Temerity (girl) and Elfin (boy), springing from the trends toward word names for girls and names ending in “n” for boys.

 

  • Middle schoolers across the nation frightened their parents by “kale-ing” – snorting dried kale chips to enjoy the chill buzz of toxins leaving their systems.

 

 

  • The most-downloaded Youtube video in the U.S. was “oops-shite,” in which a British preschooler drops an ice cream cone then shouts “oops! SHITE.” YouTube Grand Master Martin Fillburgh called it a “perfect storm” of a child swearing combined with a non-American accent.

 

  • A Today show segment about a popular pair of sweat-wicking socks caused demand to skyrocket; they were selling for up to $15 a pair on eBay by Christmastime.

 

  • The most popular Google search was “how to hide political posts from Facebook.” The most popular Yahoo search was “how computer work.” The most popular Yahoo Answers search was “if I am pregnett with baby can baby get pregnett too yes or no.”

 

  • A detailed forensic analysis proved that at least two of Shakespeare’s worst sonnets as well as Timon of Athons were, in fact, written by his cousin, Trevor Shakespeare.

 

  • The least-attended panel in Comic-Con history was the reunion of Wild West C.O.W.-boys of Moo Mesa, an early 90s cartoon about a community of mutant old-west cows that formed after the prairie was hit by a comet, which I know existed because I watched it every week. Con planners are said to have “seriously misjudged” the pull of 90s nostalgia.

 

  • An entire chain of spin studios had to close when a serious strain of ringworm infected up to 70% of the patrons, many of whom didn’t really mind because at least that meant people could tell that they work out.

 

  • When pressed for a description of Minecraft, the creator explained “there’s like… these blocks, right? And you make a farm, sort of? But maybe like there are… wars… at times?” He then pulled a nine-year-old child from the audience to explain it better.

 

  • Archaeologists at Colonial Williamsburg believed that they had uncovered a 250-year-old time capsule. They scheduled a public opening, where it quickly became clear that it was actually a box of stuff a Colonial man didn’t want his wife to find.

 

  • At least seven flights were grounded when the combined GPS signals of the passengers’ Fitbit devices overpowered the plane’s navigation system.

 

  • People younger than you started a massive dance craze based on a 1970s Chilean novelty song.

 

  • Gwyneth Paltrow’s website, Goop, began selling amazingly ineffective cashmere towels for $475 a piece.

 

  • Your favorite show ended.

 

  • Somewhere in the United States, a teenager told a friend that they were singing a “song from an old musical” for an audition; it was from Rent.

America, at the end of the millennium.

 

  • The National Institute Of Health released a report entitled Everyone Is Fat And We’re All Going To Die: An American Epidemic.

 

  • Emily Patton, a 22-year-old recent NYU grad, launched #Married, a business that creates custom wedding hashtags for couples; each hashtag comes with a guarantee that the tag will not be used for any photos not associated with the wedding for up to 6 months after the event.

 

  • For the first time ever, 100% of the models in New York Fashion Week were born after 1990; over 10% were born in this millennium.

 

  • Someone you went to college with got a pug. And I bet it’s really cute, too.

 

  • Ariana Grande placed a drive-through Dunkin Donuts order that she had to repeat 13 times, as the girl CANNOT ENUNCIATE.
  • The latest hit social network: Mrow, described as “like Vine but for cats, on more of a Twitter interface.”

 

  • The fastest-growing subscription box company of the year was Flounce. Once a month subscribers get a box to fill with clothing they already own; it is mailed back to them with minor embellishments like lace ruffles, embroidery, or a bow.

 

  • A three-day convention called Handsome, Clever And Rich celebrated the bicentennial of Jane Austen’s novel Emma along with the 20-year anniversary of Clueless. Festivities were held in Surrey and Beverly Hills. Events included speed dating and makeovers; it was described by attendees as well-intentioned but a little shallow.

 

  • A Go Fund Me account has raised over $500 for Pizza Rat and his or her children.
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It’s The 90s: Let’s All Decorate For Christmas!

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

Here’s a bit of 90s nostalgia you never hear about: Christmas decorations. That’s because holiday decor of the 1990s, like holiday fashion and holiday television, was delightfully cheesy. In this, the Let’s All Decorate Christmas Special, let’s look back at the Yuletide decor of the 1990s. Then next week, you can revisit 90s Christmas decorations all over again when you visit your parents who are still displaying the ornaments of your youth.

Ceramic Tree With Half Of The Bulbs Missing

For a 20-year period, everyone had one aunt who took a ceramics class where she painted and glazed a Christmas tree. You probably lost most of the bulbs within a decade (especially if you had cats). The “classy” ones were frosted white.

Lights Hung Inside The Windows Because You Didn’t Have An Outdoor Outlet

Outdoor electric outlets certainly existed in the 90s – but more homes hadn’t added them yet, so you saw a lot more lights strung up inside the windows. We’ve come full circle: I don’t have an outlet at the front of my house, so I hang twinkling fairy lights inside my windows.

Giant Bulbs

We are all Chandler Bing. At some point in the 1990s the tiny lights took over, but the big ones are sort of back in a retro way now.

Slow-Moving Animatronic Santa

Even at the turn of the millennium, our technology wasn’t really *all there* yet. It took us 5 minutes to sign on to the Internet and our cell phones were as big as kittens. These slow, jerky electronic Santas were pretty high-tech for the time. Also they looked like they were about to launch into a really awesome break dancing performance at any time.

Aerosol Spray Snow

I was never allowed to have spray paint snow, in part because my mom didn’t want to clean it up and in part because I lived in a city that gets 100 inches of annual snowfall. Still, these aerosol cans of “snow” were all the rage. Some people stenciled elaborate snow scenes, but most just frosted the bottom quarter of their windows and called it a day.

Precious Moments Nativity

Reignite THIS 90s trend, teenaged Tumblr hipsters! Precious Moments, deformed cartoon children who loved Jesus, were popular in middle class homes in the 90s. Somehow I ended up with a hand-me-down set, so just like suburbanites in 1991 I can reflect on these two weird-looking kids who have a baby.

Country Angels

My requisite Grandma Who Was Into Crafting loved making angels …  which are now part of my Christmas decoration stash because somebody decided I should have them. There’s a crepe-y one in “country blue,” a doll-like one with a raffia head, a puffy squat plush one, and a gingham-dressed doll with straw hair. Country Angels were the Yuletide companion to those damned country geese. If your mom decorated in powder blue and “dusty rose” and hung quilts on the wall, she probably had a country angel or two to herald the birth of the Baby Jesus.

Those Big Plastic Santas and Snowmen

Before those blow-up decorations burst onto the scene, these big plastic Santas and Snowmen were the in thing. Of course, if you were really into the *reason for the season* you probably had this bad boy:

Ceramic Ornaments You Painted Yourself

Every year as a child, I looked forward to a craft day spent meticulously painting these ceramic ornaments. And every year as an adult, I regret keeping so many terribly painted ornaments from my childhood (turns out kids aren’t actually meticulous).

A Village From Yesteryear

There are still plenty of collectors of Christmas villages, they were just bigger in the 90s. These elaborate villages were complete with cottony snow and tiny carolers. I thought they were awesome, but also sort of a tease because it was a whole set of cool toys that you weren’t allowed to play with.

Christmas villages were usually set somewhere in the 19th century, but has it been long enough that we can have a 1990s Christmas village? Because THAT is something I’d collect.

A Big Victorian Angel

Another thing that technically still exists, but has been phased out by most decorators of our generation. Nowadays people choose stars, less-fluffy angels, conceptual tree-toppers, or nothing at all.

Hess Trucks

I never got the connection between Christmas and Hess Trucks, but some people not only bought them every year (normal) but also displayed them every Christmas (okay).

Collectibles From A Fast Food Place

Fast food glassware is a thing of the past, but in the 90s you could go to Burger King or McDonald’s and obtain a set of Christmas cups or plates. Happy Meal toys could even be called into decorating service:

Yuletide Troll Dolls

I don’t know why we liked trolls so much, but we did – and even adults incorporated them into their holiday decor. There were plush trolls that a child could cuddle on Christmas Eve, too.

Holiday Beanie Babies

Now, everybody knew that the special holiday beanies were more “valuable” so you had to treat these gingerly if you wanted to sell them for big money in 20 years (oops).

A Christmas Barbie

I had friends whose moms collected the annual holiday Barbie. It was usually wearing some kind of swanky gown and displayed with pride in a mirrored curio cabinet.

A Porcelain Doll Dressed Like She’s From The 1800s

They always looked like a cross between a ghost and a rich girl from a Charles Dickens novel.

A Stuffed Bear In Outerwear

I just learned that K-Mart released Christmas bears every year, so I guess that’s where everyone was getting these from in the 90s.

 

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Comments, Questions, Concerns: Coat Of Many Colors

Posted in Entertainment by

Like most tv movies, Coat of Many Colors left us with a few questions, a handful of concerns, and a whole lot to say. Airing on NBC last night, it was a two-hour sugar-fest as Dolly Parton told a childhood tale of this one coat she had. And I loved it.

Comment: Dolly Parton + Red Sequins + A Sleigh + Dollywood = Christmas Magic

Dolly opens the movie wearing a sequined dress and sitting in a sleigh in Dollywood. That might be the merriest thing I’ve seen all season. By the way, when I was a kid I thought Dolly was way older than she is (even though she looks great). It’s because I interpreted her platinum hair as white, and also because being from the Northeast, I’ve only ever known very old ladies to have that kind of sculpted, sprayed-out hair and heavy makeup. But again: Dolly looks wonderful. .

Question: Did Baby Dolly really trot up the aisle at church wearing clownish makeup and singing?

They’re retroactively making Baby Dolly act just like Sassy Adult Dolly. She even quips that she wants to go to heaven but doesn’t want to “look like hell to get there.”  Dolly fans will remember that story about how she saw a heavily made-up woman as a child, and told her mother that’s what she wanted to look like. “That woman’s trash,” her mother replied. “That’s what I’m gonna be when I grow up, trash!” Dolly said. The whole thing sounds more like a funny story an adult would make up, or a Family Circus comic, but whatever. It’s a cute origin story.

Comment: This Baby Dolly actress is adorable. Oh my goodness. And she’s great!

Face it, a lot of child actors are working just because they’re cute, can read lines fairly convincingly, and they aren’t awful to work with. But this girl is adorable and she can ACT. I know 8-year-olds. Most of them could never do this. Her name is Alyvia Alyn Lind; remember it.

Concern: Can this family support another kid?

Dolly is excited about getting a new sibling, but seemingly has dozens already. They’re like blonde, southern Weasleys. I’d say Muggle Weasleys, but we all know that Dolly is magic. (I looked it up, by the way. Dolly had 11 siblings and obviously it worked out just fine for her).

Comment: Dolly’s mom compliments each kid when she prays before dinner.

I don’t even care if it’s not true, that’s beautiful and something I’d do if I had kids. A lot of people complain about the modern ‘everybody gets a prize, everybody is special’ parenting, but if you let kids know what’s wonderful about them they’ll always remember to let those qualities shine.

Question: Will this end with a Christmas scene? I may not be able to deal with that.

Spoiler: it doesn’t, unless you count Dolly in that sleigh again.

Comment: This sequence after Dolly’s brother dies is ROUGH.

Dolly’s baby brother dies and adult Dolly takes over singing. Props to little Alyvia for keeping up with a duet with Dolly Parton. However, if this movie doesn’t pick up after baby Larry dies, I’m going to have to change the channel.

Comment: Jennifer Nettles, everybody.

She’s great! As is Ricky Schroeder, who I didn’t recognize at first but should have due to his trademark twinkling blue eyes.

Question: She’s going to turn the dead baby’s blanket into a coat for Dolly, right?

Right. Dolly is really excited to be the first person to wear it. I’d say that was sad, but as a kid my wardrobe was like 80% hand-me-downs, 10% school uniforms, 10% new, so I feel that.

Concern: I’ve gotten so into this movie that I’m starting to think Willadene and Dolly are pretty cute names.

When I first started at my job, a copy-editor addressed a whole bunch of queries to me as Dolly instead of Molly. I thought it was the cutest mistake ever.

Comment: MAN SCREW THOSE KIDS laughing at Dolly’s coat.

Her coat is beautiful and all their brown clothes suck. They’re like Garbage Pail Kids. Or the Herdmans (Best Christmas Pageant Ever? Anyone?).

Concern: There is an hour left and the only thing to resolve is whether or not Dolly will feel good about her new coat.

And I guess whether her dad will start to like church.

Question: Why don’t we like that girl Judy? She seems nice.

There’s some reason we don’t like the Ogles (the Garbage Pail Kids/ Herdmans) but I must have been out of the room. Anyway, apparently Judy is still Dolly’s BFF, which is precious.

Comment: I just got really excited when I realized Dolly’s dad was probably going to start going to church and become wonderful.
Concern: How will they fit Jolene into this?
Comment: Dolly cuts school to put on makeup at a department store. Dolly, you little scamp.
Comment: “I’ve got a little, shriveled up black heart” – Baby Dolly, expressing my worst fears about myself to be totally honest.

But she doesn’t, of course. Dolly is full of love. Do you all know about Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library? Get acquainted. Rumor has it she gives a TON of her money away to other causes too, but it is mostly anonymous.

Question: Can you do big confessions of love at Church like that?

Dolly’s parents have one of those romantic public confession of love scenes — in the middle of church. Can you do that? I grew up Catholic and for us, the answer is definitely no.

Comment: YOU WEAR THAT COAT, PRECIOUS BABY DOLLY.

 

 

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2015: Things That Made Me Say WTF

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It’s time for our third annual recap of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, and God, they just keep getting younger.

Segment #1: My Eyeballs Hurt

  • The first segment begins with a series of flashing lights replicating the moment you slip from earth into all that lies beyond. Or, you know, maybe it’s supposed to look like camera flashes.
  • FRINGE IS IN. Magazines, shop windows, and that one coworker have been warning me about this development for months. It’s just that that’s a whole lot of dry clean only.

Behati-Prinsloo

  • It feels like once every 5 or so years, fashion magazines try to tell us that wearing a single dangly earring on purpose is a thing to do. You look at worst like a pirate, and at best like someone who lost an earring. Anyway, Behati Prinsloo can pull it off but that means nothing for the rest of us.
  • Okay, this lighting GENUINELY hurts my eyes. Like when you check your phone in the middle of the night.
  • I was very proud to recognize a Kardashian-Jenner! I know the youngest two by sight but can never tell which is Kylie and which is Kendall. I feel like there’s one we’re meant to like more than the other, right? Also: Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, looking proud.
vs-fashion-show-2015-01

KENDALL.

  • I think I just don’t like fringe.
  • I’m not sure I knew that’s what Ellie Goulding looked like.
  • Someone is wearing Totally Hair Barbie pattern (my personal favorite Barbie, c. 1991).

Behind The Scenes #1: We’re A Rainbow Made Of Children

  • Anyone remember that song? Catholic school thing?
  • In any case, the VS brass tell us that the show is “very global” because there are models from everywhere!
  • It’s like Donald Trump’s nightmare except we know that it’s not.

Segment #2: Angelica! Eliza! And Peggy.

  • The Weeknd has a coat on and the models are in underwear. For the the first of many times, I worry about everyone’s temperature regulation. The curse of being an always-freezing person is that I’m always worried that everyone else is freezing, too. I’ve even started carrying extra gloves and socks to give to homeless people, and I can assure you that they are not that interested and would prefer some money, thanks.
  • The theme of this segment is like a Sexy Schuyler Sister.

2. Kendall Jenner Victorias Secret

  • That is: Maria Reynolds.
  • Apologies to Anne Shirley: these gals are sporting the puffiest of puffed sleeves, too.

Behind The Scenes #2: So It Turns Out Models Like Photographs

  • Now they’re all talking about their favorite hobby, taking selfies. Which is like a chill version of their job.
  • “Instagram is very important to me” – shit beautiful people say.
  • I can’t help but notice all the gorgeous eyebrows. Eyebrows, eyebrows everywhere! All us translucent-colored, faint-eyebrowed folks are just waiting for the pendulum to swing back to small brows – not because you all don’t look great, but because giant eyebrows are physically impossible for us.

Segment #3: Fly Abandonedly Into The Sun

  • I can’t say anything bad about all of these beautiful butterfly wings. And frankly, I don’t even want to know anybody who COULD say anything bad about them. It’s a dark, cold world and dammit, we need more bedazzled butterfly wings.

 

 

  • When I was in Kindergarten, you secured a part in the graduation play by having your parents sign a slip saying what role you wanted. It was first come/first serve. All the girls wanted to be the butterfly.  I said I wanted to be the worm because I knew the butterfly would be taken (and I couldn’t bear being in the chorus). It’s been 24 years and my mother still laments that I graduated kindergarten in a brown jumpsuit. Point is: butterfly wings are great but they aren’t EVERYTHING and sometimes you gotta be the worm.
  •  I mentally referred to some over-the-knee boots as “hip waders” which is probably the most upstate thing I’ve ever done.

Behind The Scenes #3: In Which Shit Gets Real

  • The models explain that they work out seven days a week, sometimes twice a day. Realism! I like that. Also, no thanks, homegirl needs her rest days.
  • Also I’m going to need specifics about what they’re doing, because I assume there’s something I’m supposed to do to my arms that I’m not.
  • Me, when the ladies explain their kick boxing regimens:

beast

Segment #4: The Weeknd Is My Brother

  • “The Weeknd’s like a brother to me, dating my little sister” – a model whose family works differently from mine.
  • What is this theme? There’s a fire fighter, a weird American flag, a cop and an astronaut. Jobs you wanted when you were 7? The Halloween costumes that are left when you go shopping on 10/30?

And Selena Gomez as Hot Holly Golightly.

  • Selena Gomez’s backup dancers are awfully unnecessary, since she has all these backup walkers already.
  • Are these supposed to be like those occupational-themed stripper costumes, and I mean that in a nonjudgmental way?

Behind The Scenes #4: Nobody Gets A Puppy

  • The models get presents, and my first thought is “good God, will there be a puppy in there?”
  • A model has the same thought.
  • There’s no puppy, which is good because I would have stormed out in protest.
  • The models tell us how they like Christmas, and look at old photos of themselves from when they weren’t models, but just humans in photographs.

Segment #5: Some Elsa Looking Stuff

  • A nude mesh and sequin Fair Isle bodysuit – what you’re missing if you didn’t see the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, I guess.

5. Candice Swanepoel Victorias Secret

Behind The Scenes #5: Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby

  • That’s my second Mariah reference of the post, and you’re welcome.
  • They reveal who will wear the “fantasy bra” – it’s Lily Aldridge, who is of course very pretty and seems nice.

Segment #6: The Lorax

  • Technically, fireworks, but I’m pretty sure it’s The Lorax.

6. Lily Aldridge Victorias Secret

  • Do you think any of these models hate people yelling at them urgently all the time?

Pop Culture Blind Spots: I’ll Be Home For Christmas

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Jonathan Taylor Thomas – J.T.T., if you were born between about 1980 and 1990 – perfectly illustrates the life cycle of a tween hearthrob. He was Randy Taylor on Home Improvement, Young Simba in The Lion King, and a Certified Hottie in the pages of Tiger Beat. When I was in fourth grade (the 1995-1996 school year), all of the girls in my class were obsessed with him. A few short years later – 1998, when I’ll Be Home for Christmas was released – we had all but forgotten about JTT. A lot had happened since 1996 (Hanson. Leonardo DiCaprio. Puberty). That’s how I, a one-time J.T.T. fangirl, got to 2015 without seeing his foray into Christmas entertainment. Here goes:

  • This is the most high-school looking college I’ve ever seen. J.T.T. is in a hallway covered in lockers; his dweeby friend is STUFFED INTO ONE.
  • 1998 thing: J.T.T. uses the phrase “on the net.”
  • 1998 thing: a flock of girls are wearing Biore pore strips and J.T.T. asks if they work (1998 thing: they don’t).
  • 1998 thing: J.T.T. (Jake), wearing one of those button up bowling shirt things, flirts with a Mary Camden-era Jessica Biel (Ally), who has a Smashmouth poster.

  • Ribbed shirts sure were all the rage, weren’t they?
  • I think Mary Camden  is wearing a skort.
  • So Jake wants Ally to spend Christmas with him instead of her family. Is this a thing 18-year-olds do? My 18-year-old cousin went to Florida with her girlfriend’s family last Christmas and we all thought it was a little extra for someone who didn’t exist until 1996.
  • J.T.T. and his bros are in a cafeteria. This is the weirdest, most high-schoolish college.
  • J.T.T’s little sister is roughly the age we were when this came out, and she is the late-90s awkward stage personified.

File under: lime green mock turtleneck, stripey zipped thing, half of your hair pulled tightly back. Yep, all checks out.

  • “Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?” – a very prescient J.T.T.
  • J.T.T.’s father offers to GIVE HIM A PORSCHE if he comes home for dinner at 6:00 pm on Christmas Eve. If I am home for dinner at 6:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve, I get dinner.
  • So how’d I end up watching this? I’m watching a nephew and niece while their brother is in the hospital (note: this will be relevant later). Anyway, the 8-year-old boy requested a Christmas movie that neither of us had seen. He pronounced J.T.T.’s dad’s offer “a little extreme.”
  • 1998 thing: A group of boys cheat on a final with the aid of beepers and antique dial-up internet.
  • Mary Camden is wearing her second chunky-knit awkwardly short ribbed sweater.

  • The bros drop J.T.T. in the desert wearing a Santa Suit and I have questions. They leave a note: “Let’s see you sweet talk your way out of this one.” So. They knocked him unconscious, changed his clothes, and drove him to a secluded location to die? God, this is dark.

  • Mary Camden: “if you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes I’m gonna have to slug you.” Add that one to my to-cross stitch pile. (She’s driving cross-country with J.T.T.’s enemy bro.)
  • 1998 thing: Eddie, the enemy bro, is in a sensitive mood, wants to listen to “Jewel, Sarah, Fiona.”
  • Tracey, Jake’s sister, is wearing giant terrible overalls.

Can’t find a pic of the overalls, but here’s a vest. A vest and I guess a spoiler.

  • J.T.T. and a car full of blue-haired Tom Jones fanatics listen to What’s New Pussycat.
  • It starts snowing on J.T.T. in the desert, I scoff, 8-year-old reminds me that deserts have dry climates but can be extremely cold at night. Which is true.
  • Jessica Biel slug’s Douchebag Eddie “as per our agreement.” I miss this teen movie archetype.
  • A van driver swerves about the road while he’s trying to retrieved a dropped sandwich and Charley and I both laugh out loud. FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. GIGGLES FOR ALL AGES. No but really, this movie is not bad on the separate rating scale I use for Christmas movies.
  • Douchebag Eddie calls himself a “millennial type of guy” who likes yoga and macrobiotic food. I could have sworn we were still going by Gen Y in 1998.
  • J.T.T. and the sandwich guy lie to a cop and say they’re giving presents to children in the hospital. They hand out kitchen appliances.
  • THEN a little boy says that all he wants is to go home and be with his family. My nephew looks a bit glum thinking about his brother, and I learn a lesson about trying to entertain a worried child with Jonathan Taylor Thomas movies. See, that’s why the Babysitters Club used to bring Kid Kits with them. ANYWAY. The hospital boy is never seen again, so there was no point in the movie turning serious for like 20 seconds.

21 Reasons You'll Want To Watch "I'll Be Home For Christmas" This Holiday

  • Sandwich Guy sings to his estranged wife Marjorie at her workplace. Her workplace is a restaurant where you, I guess, choose which cow you want to eat.

  • Douchebag Eddie wonders why more breakfast places don’t serve food right in the skillet. Same. But also, tort liability probs.
  • I’ve somehow stopped noticing that JTT has been wearing a Santa suit this whole time.
  • Douchebag Eddie and Mary Camden stay at a honeymoon suite decorated by my grandma during one of her mid-90s craft sprees.
  • JTT steals a man’s gross meat sandwich, which sounds like a euphemism but isn’t, and says it’s a liver transplant so that his bus goes where he needs it to.
  • This is an OK Christmas movie, but you know what would be the BEST Christmas movie that I’d watch every year? If they cut together all of the Christmas or wintery or snowy parts from all the Harry Potters. I’d pay probably not evening admission for that, but definitely matinee.
  • Allie and Jake meet up and have a boring fight. You could skip it.
  • J.T.T. enters a Santa 5K to get money to fly home. He wins after a cluster of Santas gets taken out by a friendly dog. The whole thing would make a fantastic Where’s Waldo page.

  • Jake donates his winnings to homeless people.
  • Tracey has a plane ticket’s worth of money in her “ballerina bag.” The best thing I had in my Irish Dance bag was maybe like a newish Werther’s Original.
  • Jake stows away in a dog crate because he doesn’t have an I.D.
  • Charley: “How did Allie and Jake get there at the same time, if he flew and she took the bus?”

Me: Wait. How DID they?

Honestly the geography of this trip is very confusing to me.

  • Jake steals a sleigh to get home in time. My nephew notes that Jake “steals a lot” and he isn’t wrong.
  • Jake makes it home at 5:59, but refuses to go into the house until after 6 because he is silly.
  • The Porsche is parked in the snowy front yard by a set designer who doesn’t know how snow works.

 

  • Jake, a silly goose, refuses the car but accepts his father’s love. AWWW.
  • Jake and his stepmom exchange sweater sizes. She is an 8.
  • 1998 thing: a size 8 woman in a movie.
  • Bottom line: this Lifetime-quality Christmas movie that was perfectly serviceable. On my separate rating scale for Christmas movies, it was “cute.” In Christmas movies, cute isn’t a bad thing.

 

Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts 2015: Santa’s Got A Brand New Douchebag

Posted in Miscellany by

Haven’t finished your holiday shopping yet? Have an unreasonably large budget, no time to arrange a gift yourself, and a total d-bag on your shopping list? Yeah, me either, thank goodness. But for the second year in a row, we DO at least have the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts to remind us that we’re better off than the people who do have those things — plus some low-budget alternatives for the rest of us.

A Motorcycle Day With Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves’ Friend Gard

Cost: $150,000.00

Arch Motorcyle and Ride Experience with Keanu Reeves and Gard Hollinger

First, go to breakfast with Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves’ friend Gard – which I’d be into, I mean I’d hit up a good brunch with John Wilkes Booth and Justin Bieber if promised bottomless mimosas. Then go on a motorcycle ride, then go to a cafe. Then take a friend to dinner and ditch Keanu. Or don’t: the man has been through a lot and I hear he’s one of the nicest celebrities. The next day, ride through a forest with Keanu like you’ve just watched the Matrix trilogy before bed and now you’re living in a weird dream. By the way, the 150K price tag does include the motorcycle.

Alternative: A set of Matrix DVDs (like $20 if Target’s running a sale); a moped rental; brunch with your most chill friend.

Couture Diary

Cost: $10,000.00

Couture Diary

I’m assuming if you’re buying this, you have the kind of friends who own a lot of couture, so good on you. All right, so the book part of this gift just seems unnecessarily complex:

  • Scandinavian calfskin cover is vegetable tanned in Scotland exclusively for bookbinding
  • All tooling is executed by hand in 24-karat gold at the Vogel Bindery in East Hampton, New York
  • Diary sheets are engraved on premium stock paper with hand-colored borders from The Printery in Oyster Bay, New York

Anyway, then someone draws 20 of your outfits on the Scandinavian cow, Scottish vegetable, Gatsby gold, Oyster paper that lives in the house that Jack built.

Alternative: Paper dolls, maybe? But couture ones.

Some Really Old Questionable Whiskey

Cost: $125,000.00

The Orphan Barrel Project

The Orphan Barrel Project, which sounds like a cool Orphan Black offshoot but isn’t, collects barrels of old whiskey from abandoned places then sells them to rich people. On this trip to Lexington, Kentucky, you hunt through an old distillery for booze like a troubled teen breaking and entering for the first time. Then you get a whiskey cabinet, some glassware, and a bunch of old liquor that I hope a health department has vetted.

Alternative: Go to your liquor cabinet, or better yet, your parents’. What’s the oldest bottle there, the one that you can’t quite remember buying? Okay, give that to a friend.

A 12-Day Journey Through The Nicest Parts Of India

Cost: $400,000.00

Agra

No shade, this sounds amazing and includes a surprising number of rides in private rickshaws, not like those gross crowded public rickshaws the poors take on their vacations to India. I’m most intrigued by kite-flying at a palace, which seems like the Neiman Marcus folks are just throwing together random wonderful things.

Alternative: A cassette tape of that one Alanis song about “thank you India” or whatever.

Going Almost To Space

Cost: $90,000.00

World View Profile

In high school, my brother and I had a coworker who went to Space Camp. My brother knew that she didn’t actually go to space, but wondered aloud whether she “maybe went up in a really high plane or something.” This is basically that: floating at 100,000 feet above Earth for a few hours. If any of you are very rich, I’d like this, please.

Alternative: A telescope; a reminder that we are but specks in a vast, unknowable, and ever-expanding universe; a Carl Sagan book.

An Art Tour Of Italy With A Jewelry Maker

Cost: $150,000.00

Italy Tour with Ippolita & Artemest Craftsmen

This trip includes more arts and crafts projects than you’d think, including playing with clay and “secret paper techniques” (which I imagine ends in you creating the world’s classiest cootie catcher). You have to go to the same glass-blowing “fornace” two days in a row, though.

Alternative: A gift card to JoAnn fabrics. Come at me if you want, I love me some JoAnn fabrics and the folksy suburban ladies I always talk to at the fabric counter.

A Trunk Full Of Iris Apfel’s Stuff

Cost: $80,000.00

Price includes a fancy trunk filled with jewelry and accessories, as well as lunch and a styling session with Iris herself.

Alternative: A copy of Iris, the Iris Apfel documentary that’s on Netflix. It’s life-affirming AF.

A Neiman Marcus Mustang

Cost: $95,000.00

Neiman Marcus Mustang

I’ve become jaded by this point, because my reaction to that price tag was “wow, only $95K?” I’d make the most darling rich person. You also get to go to racing school! Manual transmission only, soz.

Alternative: A day at the go-kart track! Everyone loves go-karts, right? Whee!!

Three Guitars

Cost: $30,000 each

Texas Trio Guitars

Steve Miller, Lyell Lovett, and Billy Gibbons all designed guitars. For a cool 30K you get one of them – not all three -as well as a backstage visit with the musician who designed it.

Alternative: Legit, you can find a guitar for like $30 on Craigslist, and something tells me it’s not too difficult to get backstage for any of these fellows if you really wanted to.

A Casket Full Of Gender Norms

Cost: $5,000

Mackenzie-Childs Trunk - Ultimate Children's Costumes

No, okay, what it really is is a custom-painted trunk for a “girl” (pink trunk, four different princess dresses) or a “boy” (primary-colored trunk, superhero costumes). It’s like those McDonald’s Barbie and Hot Wheels toys for the very rich (Stuff 90s Kids Remember: being asked if you want a “boy toy” or a “girl toy” instead of a doll or a car). If you know a girl who is into princesses, or a boy who likes Iron Man, and you have 5K to burn, this seems okay … but I still think this is some kind of bullshit.

Alternative: Dress-up clothes – one of my favorite gifts for the kids in my family! But you don’t have to be so rigid about it.

 

Christmastime Is Tears: Moments From A Charlie Brown Christmas That Will Make You Cry

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Fun holiday fact: if you collected all of the tears that have been shed over A Charlie Brown Christmas for the past 50 years, you could provide clean drinking water to a village in the developing world for a year.

Non-fun holiday fact: A Charlie Brown Christmas is a tear-festival masquerading under the guise of children’s entertainment.

In honor of the classic cartoon’s fiftieth anniversary, and our own inability to KEEP IT TOGETHER FOR ONCE, here are the moments from A Charlie Brown Christmas that are most likely to turn you into a one-person snot factory:

That Freaking Soundtrack

Vince Guaraldi, you cruel, cruel man. First of all, a choir of children’s soprano voices is always a little emotional (yes, Auntie Molls will come to your Christmas concert, and no, she’s not crying because she hates it. She’s crying because she’s a deep well of feelings parading around as a competent adult woman). But also: Christmas jazz? Major sevenths strewn about like wrapping paper on a Christmas morning?  TWINKLING PIANO, for heaven’s sake?

The Children’s Speaking Voices, In General

Nothing takes you out of a cartoon like an adult trying to do a child’s voice. The adorable, real voice overs make the Charlie Brown cartoons, especially Linus.

Charlie’s Christmas Crisis

 

 

He knows he should be happy, but he’s not. Nobody’s sending him Christmas cards. Everyone’s wrapped up in Christmas commercialism. And he’s, like, 8. Kind of a bummer of a concept. Plus half of the other kids treat him like trash, so you see where he gets that downer mood from.

The Other Kids Treating Charlie Brown Like Trash

“Do something right for a change.” “You’re hopeless, completely hopeless.” “He’s not the kind you can depend on to do anything right.” It’s like Charlie’s friend group is made up entirely of the worst thoughts you have about yourself, come to life.

Lucy Taking Credit For Charlie’s Idea

You know how sometimes you’re at a meeting, and you have an idea, and a minute after you say it someone tries to present it as theirs? (At these times I like to pretend that maybe I’m secretly a ghost and I don’t know it yet.) Anyway, that happens to Charlie with the tree. Lucy would.

That Tree

Because sometimes, don’t you feel like the tiniest, worst Christmas tree?

 

Linus Telling The Christmas Story

Forget children singing. Children doing Bible readings is the sweetest thing ever. And this coming from someone who’s not exceptionally into the Bible (aside from going to Catholic school for so long that you can literally tell by looking at me). Plus Linus just made his way to center stage and DID IT, meaning he had the whole thing memorized and at the ready while Charlie was thinking that nobody cared about the real meaning of Christmas. Then Linus drags his blanket offstage like it was nothing and says “that’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown” and the mic drops and I die.

 

When The Kids Fix The Tree

 

 

Look. Clearly one of those children is a wizard, because the end-product tree doesn’t even slightly resemble the O.G. Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. I can only imagine that while they’re huddled around the tree waving their arms, what they’re actually doing is replacing it with an entirely different tree and saying “don’t tell Charlie, because I think he’s sort of going through some stuff.” Nevertheless, it shows that there’s hope for even the tiniest, worst Christmas trees of all.

Questions, Comments, and Concerns: The Pilgrims on PBS

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

Last night, the Pilgrims aired on American Experience, and we all learned that the Mayflower was a floating piece of garbage that carried miserable people to a land of despair and death. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

Question: Is Ken Burns Involved?

Ken Burns is behind all of the best American Experience episodes. I also had a semi-crush on him back when I assumed he looked like Richard Attenborough, which actually doesn’t help matters and if anything makes it worse, never mind, let’s pretend I never said that.

[It’s Ken Burns’ brother, Ric, who did this one, by the way.]

Comment: Plymouth Rock is the worst.

 

 

Anyone been to Plymouth Rock? It’s a literal rock, and it’s not even that big, and there’s honestly no way they could have known that it was THE rock. A crowd of people stand on a platform above the rock and your mom just wants to get a good picture and you just want to go on the replica boat.

Comment: Governor Bradford Was The Eliza Hamilton Of Plymouth

… in terms of being the person who controlled how it was represented in history. And also the Alexander, in terms of writing like he’s running out of time.

Comment: It’s like practically the ONLY thing to do in 17th century England was go to church and the Puritans were like “oh no, this is too fun and interesting, better make CHURCH less FUN.” (No offense, church.)

I mean I’ve never been at church and been like “wow, this music is too good right now. Everyone’s breath is amazing and I am entertained by this decor.”

Concern: They Were A Straight-Up Cult

PBS even said. Ken Burns’ brother Ric said. America wasn’t founded so much on the concept of freedom of religion, so much as by a handful of religious crazies, plus other people who thought there was maybe gold here.

Question: Is a boat being ‘seasoned’ a good thing?

Because it kind of just sounds like a way to say “an old boat.” Granted, the Titanic was brand-spanking-new, but.

Comment: “Two miles an hour;” “Chamber pots everywhere;” “Voyage from hell.”

But on the plus side: two dogs.

Comment: The Pilgrims were heading for the Hudson river, but look, I think we’ve all ended up in Provincetown by accident a time or two.
Concern: PBS says it’s “necessary to ask who the savages were,” but I think we all know.

It’s the people who rode a poop-boat to go camping because church was too fun in England.

Comment: That moment when the pilgrims find a rotting skull on the beach and it has blonde hair on it:

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Question: Did Dorothy Bradford kill herself or fall off a boat?

Anyone’s guess, to be honest.

Concern: 50% of the population died by springtime and Bradford was just like, maybe if I don’t write it in my diary nobody will know?

And you know why he did that? Because they propped up the DEAD BODIES AS HUMAN SCARECROWS SO THE INDIANS WOULD THINK THEY WERE GUARDS. I really did need to use all of those caps.

 

Comment: The Mayflower was sold for scrap.
Question: What really happened at the real first Thanksgiving?

Sounds like not much. They ate dinner.

Concern: These people sure did like decorating with dead bodies.

Propping up pilgrims as human scarecrows, hanging up Indian heads in the  town square – just bury them, guys. Just be normal. I’m getting serial killer vibes from all of y’all. The ornament adorning Bradford’s wedding was a head on a pike and linen soaked in blood.

Comment: William Bradford married a 32-year-old woman.

See, all of the relatives I’ll have to see this week?

Comment: Sitting here during this discussion of the high price of beaver like:bingley-giggles.gif

 

“The beaver saved them” – Ken Burns’ brother Ric I guess.

Concern: So, Bradford gets buried in a grave.

Guess the town had all the disembodied heads they could handle.

Comment: Nope, One More Reference To A Head On A Pole Before We Go.
Question: Are we supposed to think Bradford’s journal is legit when a guy just found it in a book store right before the Civil War when there was a “battle” between New England and Southern historians?
Comment: “Somewhere, William Bradford might have smiled.”

But probably not because he’s the kind of man who got married under a rotting head on a stick right?