Best ___ Of 2017: Some Really Specific Superlatives

We thought 2016 was bad. Guess what? We were all freaking wrong. 2017 was a dumpster fire of its own. The nightmare administration, disgusting politicians attempting to pass horrific laws, KKK rallies, multiple earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, wildfires, and The Mindy Project coming to an end – it was all very, very bad. Which is why we’re here to celebrate the best things to come out of 2017. It’s time for our annual list of superlatives, and hopefully we’ll all gain perspective from this list about the past year.

 

Best Candid Group Celebrity Photo: Moonlight Mixup

Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us. So much to look at in this photo, which will forever live in Hollywood infamy. Fun fact: Busy Philipps’ husband got her a large framed version of this for Christmas. She obvs had to give one to her BFF Michelle, too.

Best New Life Motto From a Politician: “Reclaiming My Time”

Finding inspiration from California Representative Maxine Waters, the two of us decided that our official motto of 2018 is “Reclaiming My Time”. From life, from work, from politics, from everything. Let this not be a year where you sit back and let folks mansplain to you.

Best Shady Company Twitter Account: Merriam-Webster

Never thought I’d be praising a dictionary’s internet account, but here we are. Give this social media person a raise. It’s the perfect way to call out the administration without actually straight out calling out the administration.

Best New Show That’s Actually Been a Hit For Years But I Joined So Late To The Party: The Great British Bake-Off

I binged all of GBBO this summer and it did NOT disappoint. I realized y’all (including Molly) had been singing its praises for a while, but when you’re unemployed and find baking mesmerizing and soothing to watch, it’s inevitable you’ll fall in love with this bunch. And also pretend you’re a baker too.

Best Pregnancy Announcement Featuring Florals: Beyonce

No explanation needed.

Best Celebrity Insta Story: Busy Philipps

View this post on Instagram

Ready.

A post shared by Busy Philipps (@busyphilipps) on

You know her from Freaks and Geeks, or White Chicks, or Dawson’s Creek, or even Cougartown, but you should know Busy Philipps from her Instagram stories that are entertaining beyond entertaining. She’s a mom of 2 girls, a fitness fan (#lekfit), and an actress who might not be an actress anymore. She’s *relatable* and funny and guyyysss, you just have to check it out for yourself.

Best TV Revival We Didn’t Need But Was Actually Pretty Good: Will & Grace

I will be the first to tell you that a Will & Grace revival was not necessary. I was a fan of the show when it was on, but there was really no legit reason for it to return besides the fact nostalgia makes companies money these days. And the series finale canon. THE CANON WAS BROKEN AND THROWN OUT THE WINDOW. I do not enjoy when shows/movies do not follow canon. After a shaky first episode back, they found their footing in the second episode and it’s been fantastic ever since. The creators, writers, and actors seem like they never took a nearly decade-long break, and the tone is exactly the same as it used to be. In a world where everything seems to suck, this show is a welcome relief.

Best Display of Arts & Crafts in Honor of The Resistance : The Women’s March

So. Many. Good. Signs.

Best Author To Happen To Streaming TV: Margaret Atwood

If there’s one good thing I can say about 2017 it’s that the coolest woman in television was a 78-year-old Canadian author. With the one-two punch of Alias Grace on Netflix and The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu, we had Margaret’s interpretation of one society long before ours and another slightly after … and both looked a lot like our own. They watch really well as companion pieces, by the way.  Keep up the good work, Mags. Cat’s Eye on Amazon Prime 2020, perhaps?

Best Real-Life Hallmark Movie: Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s Engagement

Some might say that it’s silly to care about foreign figureheads using taxpayer money to throw an enormous wedding, but 2017 was a steaming cesspool of a year and I’d like to have this one thing, please. We wrote about this already, but a biracial American actress with middle-class roots getting engaged to a prince – while he cooked for her! – and they’ll live in a cottage! – is the stuff low-budget romcoms are made of and I am HERE. FOR. IT.

Best Celebrity Vacation: Obama’s Post-Presidential Blast

In January 2017, we were all kind of cold and sad and Obama was, like, kite-sailing on billionaire islands with a smile that could light up the whole White House and looking like that person who really *thrives* after a breakup.

Best Viral Revolution: #MeToo

Fall 2017: when our favorite hobby was watching dirtbag producers, news anchors and celebrities get ripped to pieces. This one calls for a Michael Jackson popcorn gif:

But before Hollywood’s reckoning, thousands of normal folks were using #MeToo to give voice to the stuff we all knew was going on.

Best Wedding Dress I Could Never Pull Off : Serena Williams

I don’t necessarily want to see celebrity wedding dresses that I’d totally wear; instead, I love when they wear gorgeous creations that I could absolutely never pull off. Cue Serena Williams’ giant cloud by Sarah Burton for Alexander McQueen. You know you look good when your bridesmaid is Venus Williams in a stunning ivory gown and you aren’t even worried about it.

Best Unexpected Gay Icon: The Babadook

Babadook-ook-ook. We watched the movie and discussed it here.

Best Physical Comedy (Political Division): Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer

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Things I’m Willing To Believe About 2017

2017 is over, and not a day too soon. None of these things actually happened in 2017, but we are entirely willing top believe that they could have:

[See Things I’m Willing To Believe About 2016 :here: and Things I’m Willing to Believe About 2015 :here:]

Omarosa signed a book deal to write a tell-all titled, “The Whitest House: An African-American Woman’s Inside Look At The Trump Administration”

Number one search on Google was “Who is Bitcoin?”

ABC announces the reboot of ALF, but this time with ALF’s long-lost son, Stuart.

3 Doors Down named “National Band of the United States” following their performance at the inauguration.

Millie Bobby Brown and Finn Wolfhard reveal they’ve secretly been dating IRL for the past 4 months.

Dennis Rodman is appointed U.S. Ambassador to North Korea.

President chastises Jordan Peele in an angry tweet, declaring Get Out one of the “worst, unpatriotic, unrealistic movies” he’s seen in years.

According to Fox News, 87% of Americans believe 78% of Americans are illegal Americans.

Britney Spears was among the celebrities who spoke in support of the resistance during the Women’s March in Washington D.C.

Apple introduces new iOS feature that uses blood recognition to unlock the phone. Think of it like a diabetes test just to access Venmo.

That little kid who ran into her dad’s interview with the BBC now has her own YouTube channel, specializing in unboxing new toys.

Someone named Diana Prince filed to run for senate in Ohio under the “Wonder Woman” party.

Maxine Waters’ “reclaiming my time” viral video was remixed and that guy now has his own reality show.

A short-lived cabinet member bore a striking resemblance to a mafia cat from the 1980s cartoon Oliver And Company. Memes for days.

After an envelope mix-up at the Independent Spirit Awards, the ceremony devolved into a full Yankee Swap. Moonlight ended up with Best Musical Or Comedy.

A week after the Prince Harry/ Meghan Markle engagement announcement, Hallmark and Lifetime aired hastily-made TV movies about the couple on the same night. The Hallmark one included Meghan’s lifelong obsession with Christmas, and ended as she helped Harry save his family’s small-town gingerbread shop. [It was actually the week’s scheduled Hallmark Hall of Fame production with new names dubbed in.]

Senate voted to approve a bill that would ban any school nurse funding from covering playground accidents; Dalton McMeyers (R-MS) explained that “those kids know what happens when you play.”

A full 2/3 of the people you know announced their pregnancy on either Valentine’s Day or July 4th by posting a picture of adult shoes next to tiny baby shoes. An Aunt in the comments did not understand what was happening.

A 22-year-old YouTube sensation, Huntyr Lee, earned viral fame for his Eclipse FAIL!! video. His retinas are entirely ruined.

In response to credible sexual abuse allegations against antique sitcom stars, Me TV has pulled 60% of its lineup. All that’s left is Honeymooners and spinoffs of All In The Family and I Love Lucy.

The hardest-hitting political journalism came from Disney Adventures and American Girl Magazine.

A 13-year-old girl in India invented a working time machine. A 44-year-old man in the U.S. used it to screw up the space-time continuum and caused… all of this. All of 2017.

The fattest and oldest guy on your favorite NFL, MLB or NBA team scored the game-winning points and it was awesome.

In a year with too much bad news, one of the top internet stars was the “gentle dog guy,” a guy gently reading to elderly dogs at a shelter. He’s like Mister Rogers for worried grownups.

The newest hot neighborhood in Manhattan is UnPaWaFro, which comes from Under-Pavement Water Front. The sewer. It’s the sewer. You can’t afford it.

A hip eatery in Norfolk, VA introduced Unicorn Lasagna: pastel-colored layers of pasta, cheese and meat.

 

Best of 2017: Things I’m Willing To Believe About Logan Everett, The Boy American Girl Doll

It’s 2017. A bi-racial girl American girl named Meghan is becoming a British royal. 54-year-old John Stamos is going to be a first-time father. Donald Trump is president. Lit’rally anything could happen. That includes American Girl expanding its product line to include boys. American BOYS? Or boy, really. When the folks at American Girl announced that they’d be mass producing a white boy named Logan Everett earlier this year, we had some questions. And a lot of comments. Here are some of them.


Things I’m Willing To Believe About Logan Everett, The Boy American Girl Doll

There’s something different about the newest American Girl doll. It’s a boy. Which is a fine thing to be, if you’re a human, but I have to admit that my knee-jerk reaction was more like:

As if white boys couldn’t already be EVERYTHING, now they’re an American Girl doll? Ugh. What would Felicity think? (Trick question, she’d just note whether they wore the same britches size in case she had to steal another pair under cover of darkness.) Okay, also the boy looks like this:

Of course he does.

Anyway, the Boy American Girl is named Logan Everett.

Of course he is.

Logan is apparently the drummer for the doll version of 2008-era Taylor Swift. As the latest addition to our series Things I’m Willing To Believe About, here are some things I am willing to believe about Logan Everett, Boy American Girl:

His working name was Logan Bruno because he was 100% based on Logan Bruno, boy associate member of the Baby-Sitters Club. He’s even Southern.

Not to put all Logans in a box but all Logans are exactly one way, right?

Not to put all Logans in a box but all Logans are exactly one way, right?

Logan would like to invite you to a fun laser tag outing with his youth group.

His dad is in the worship band. Logan’s first performance was Lord I Lift Your Name On High.

Best of 2017: What I Think Happens In The Fast And The Furious Franchise (I Haven’t Watched It)

Another year almost gone; another year in which neither of us has seen a Fast And The Furious movie. However, that doesn’t stop Traci’s wild conjecture about what possibly… probably happens in every single film in the series. Click on to read the full post!

What I Think Happens In The Fast And The Furious Franchise (I Haven’t Watched It)

The Fast and The Furious (2001)

  • The movie is set in Los Angeles, judging by this picture alone. Because this is where all the fast and furious drivers live. That last bit’s a fact.
  • I forgot how long ago this was released – I was a mere 15 years old, circling everything in the dELiA*s catalog, and apparently Michelle Rodriguez and Jordana Brewster did too.
  • The dude with the tatted arm and wife beater is the villain. And other dude in the back with the arm tattoo and wife beater is his villain friend.
  • Michelle and Vin are romantically involved but she’s had a tough life and doesn’t let people in that easily.
  • Paul Walker (RIP) is the hunky hearthrob who gets all the girls.
  • Squad gets into a face-off with a local gang who own the streets of LA
  • Vin and Paul are friends but enemies on the street when it comes to drag racing (is this movie even about drag racing?)

Best of 2017: 20 Things You Should Stop Wearing By Age 30

We’re both in our third decade of living on this earth. We’ve been around for a bit. Not like we’re old sages or anything, but we’re not green and filled with innocence anymore. We also know that we’re at the age where we’re like adult adults, not fake adults like we were in our 20s. This line that’s been drawn in the sand has never been more apparent than with the way we present ourselves to the viewing public – aka our style.

Here are just a few things we think you should stop wearing when you hit your 30s, because let’s face it, Brittany: the moon shoes you won from Double Dare in ’94 are not that cool anymore.


20 Things You Should Stop Wearing By Age 30

Hi, Adult Ladies!

At 30 years old, I haven’t had this much trouble dressing myself since I was a toddler in the 1900s -and we have internet listicles to blame. Everywhere I look it’s “30 Things You Need To Toss By 30” and “20 Things Women Over 30 Should Stop Wearing Immediately.” Job interview suit? Apparently I should trade it in for some big pants. Body-con dresses? Not my style – but if they were, it would be time to swap it for one that goes all the way down my back for some reason.

I hate to generate more confusion for my 30-and-up pals, but I can write things on the internet, too. Here are the 30 things that I, personally, think you should stop wearing by age 30.:

1. One Half Of A Locket You Were Given At Birth Before You Were Sent To The Orphanage

Hire a private investigator, Ashley. Make a shareable Facebook post. WHATEVER. It’s time.

2. An Ebenezer Scrooge-Style Nightcap

You know those long floppy hats people used to sleep in in the 1700s? SUCH a 20s move. Unless you work in a living history museum or your head is chilly or you like it.

3. Bug Spray

We’re old now. Just let the bugs bite you. Winter will fall soon enough.

4. A Cursed Gemstone

You’ve GOT to get that thing exorcised, Jessica. We’ve told you.

5. Moon Shoes As Regular Shoes

 

Have I wanted shoes that were tiny trampolines for my feet since 1995? Yes. Do I wear them to the office? No, Brittany. The rest of us DO NOT WEAR THEM TO THE OFFICE.

Best of 2017: Obama And The First Lady

Welcome to our final days of 2017! As we take stock of the year that was (really… really weird), we are revisiting some of our best posts of 2017: some that we just really loved, and others that in some way spoke to the world we lived in for the past year.

It’s almost hard to believe it now, but for a sweet sliver of 2017 Barack Obama was still our president. During his last week in office we ran a series called One Last Time, celebrating some of our favorite aspects of a man we love for his intelligence, prudence, empathy, and sense of humor and fun. Over that week – through a near-literal veil of tears – we wrote about Obama and kids, his best buddy Joe Biden, celebrities and the American people.

For our Best of 2017 list, one stood out above the others: Obama and the First Lady. Couple goals, career goals, White House goals… they may not live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but the Obama family is forever part of our nation’s history.

Click the link below to access the full post:

Obama And The First Lady

Barack, Sasha, Malia, and Michelle make their first official debut as America’s First Family. November, 2008.

Election Night 2008 is one of those dates you remember forever. Where you were, who were you were with, how you felt when the results came in. Much like this past month, that night had me overwhelmed with emotion, pride, and a sense that this leadership, not just from Barack, but from Michelle. Seeing this All-American family take a victory lap felt like a dream. I felt like ‘hope’ wasn’t just an idealistic campaign slogan, but a real concept taking shape before our very eyes. This family helped us have faith in the country again.

This photo is from a 2008 election night rally. I remember looking at this photo the day after the election and realizing, with wonder and pride, that our first family was finally black. It’s been eight years and sometimes I get thrilled and overwhelmed all over again.

Cyber Monday Guide For Thirtysomethings

Happy Cyber Monday to all those tech savvy people who were smart enough not to jump into the throngs of people on Black Friday!

AKA greetings, fellow thirtysomethings. I’ve never been one for braving the stores at midnight to score a deal on a TV, which is why when Cyber Monday became a thing, I was all about it. Access to all the internet’s great deals WITH an extended deadline? Sign me and my computer up. Now I don’t know about you older millennials, but it wasn’t until recently (perhaps the past year or so) where I really felt like I was aging in that my shopping interests have slightly matured. I’m also single with no kids, so for those of you who already are married with children, this realization might have hit you a while back. That being said, I’ve found myself not searching for sales on DVDs or discounts on Forever 21, but rather items that are a sure sign I’m headed towards those golden years.

If you’re  feeling the same way, here’s a list of items that are not only helpful for thirtysomethings – but on sale on Cyber Monday too.

Deebot

{Amazon.com $199.98}

So it’s become sort of a joke with me and my friends lately because we keep having totally unplanned conversations that lead back to robot vacuums. This is who we are now. A popular one amongst the group is the Deebot. One of the awesome things about it is that you can control it from your phone with an app and schedule cleanings even when you’re not home. Just think about how satisfying removing all that dirt and hair will be.

Ancestry/DNA Test

{Various, Ranging From $99 to $200}

Listen, none of us are getting any younger. Except for Bianca Lawson. She’s the only one. But I bet she would do one of these ancestry tests anyways. A lot of us think we know our family’s heritage and ancestry, but many times, as we’ve learned from Who Do You Think You Are?, we could be tied to folks we never would’ve imagined. There are a number of ancestry tests to choose from, and it’s up to you what kind of results you want back. 23AndMe offers both a regular ancestry test and an ancestry + health test, which can tell you if you have a family history of things like Alzheimer’s or even Celiac’s. Ancestry.com and National Geographic also provide great tests with maps of your lineage and stuff!

Bedding

You know what’s exciting? New sheets. On a new, grown-up mattress. You know what’s even better? Getting new sheets and a new grown-up mattress on sale. Take Lovett or Leave It’s game sponsor Parachute, where everything on their site – yes including the famous sheets – is 20% off! Listen to literally any other podcast? You must be familiar with Casper mattresses! When you use the code GIFT on Monday, you can get $150 off any purchase of a mattress $1000 or more!

Blue Apron

{$25 Off Your First Two Deliveries}

Speaking of the Pod, are you looking for a better way to cook? Blue Apron is apparently the way to go. If you like the act of cooking and the idea of eating fresh foods, this subscription meal service is for you. You don’t need to search for recopies and you also don’t need to go to the store to buy  all the ingredients, which is a dream, because you’re a hard-working adult who barely has time to catch up on the latest season of Stranger Things.

The Home Depot

If you’re a new homeowner, chances are you’re constantly working on fixing something in your house. Places like The Home Depot are just a regular stop on your way home these days, and thanks to the magic of Cyber Monday, you can go to their website and get free shipping and even up to 50% off appliances.

Costco

From diamond earrings to reclining lounge chairs to Kirkland vodka to those hot dogs at the food stand, Costco has it all (except reasonable parking on a Sunday afternoon). And you can even have it delivered right to your door! Maybe not the hot dogs.

Buy Buy Baby

Calling are parentals! Or people who know people that are parentals! We’re at that age where people are getting pregnant on purpose. Weddings seem to be dying down a bit while baby showers are taking over. Need a gift for someone who’s expecting or a new parent? Buy Buy Baby is all about that Cyber Monday action with a ton of sales all over their site.

 

Best Buy

You’re an adult now. You can probably splurge on a TV bigger than 35″. Also available for free shipping at Best Buy: things like a Nest thermostat, an Amazon Alexa/Echo and a Ring doorbell, because everything is automated now and we’re living in Smart Houses.

Vitamins

{Amazon’s Vitamin Shop}

I’m talkin’ Tumeric. I’m talkin Ginko Biloba. I’m talkin Fish Oil. Gimme those Oregano pills babyyyy.

 

The Definitive, Indisputable 30 Under 30 List

The Forbes 30 Under 30 list is out, and as a 31-year-old I would like those successful children to get off of my internet lawn, please. Nobody likes 30 Under 30 lists except the honorees and their usually-rich parents: not people under 30, not people over 30, not the poor guy who has to write glowing bios of all of these talented-but-also-lucky youths.

I also can’t help but notice that these lists are really, really inaccurate. These are the REAL very best things that are under 30 years of age:

30. Idris Elba

He’s, like, 45 years old but listen: I’m still angry about People’s Sexiest Man Alive blunder and I want him on MY list.

29. TGIF

TGIF, ABC’s Friday night lineup of family-friendly shows, debuted in 1989. It is under 30 years old and we love it so much that we live-blogged TGIF favs like Step By Step and Dinosaurs all October long.

28. The Frapuccino

Only 22 years old and already a cultural icon.

27. The Addy Doll

Ever wonder what the longest-running American girl dolls is? I googled. It’s Addy. She’s under 30, but also kind of 160-ish, and I’m glad she got that dress she wanted for Christmas.

26.  AIM

AKA, AOL Instant Messenger. I am not surprised that it went caput this year after 20 years, but I am surprised that it was released in 1997: it went from nothing to ubiquitous over the course of my sixth grade school year.

25. The Chicken Pox Vaccine

Can you believe it, fellow elder Millennials? Parents no longer have to arrange the Worst Playdate Ever so that their kids can catch Chicken Pox on purpose. There’s a vaccine for that, and has been since 1995.

That means that half of the people on the real 30 Under 30 lists ALSO never had to get chicken pox, which makes me happy for them, but also kind of begrudge them even more.

24. Smart Phones

The order of this list makes no sense. Pay no mind. Point is, smart phones have given so much more to our universe than all of the other 10-year-olds who haven’t appeared on Stranger Things.

23. Once On This Island

The musical Once On This Island is pretty great, and it’s getting a revival, AND with a 1990 debut, it’s under 30 years old.

22. Text Messages

If you’re not really a calling-people-person, text messages are the greatest invention since Alexander Graham Bell ruined our peace and quiet by inventing the telephone. The text has been around since 1992 but didn’t catch on big-time until the early 2000s.

21. Online Bill Pay

I just think I would be really stressed out if I was constantly sending paper checks through the mail.

20. MP3s

First we lived through clunky Walkmen that never picked up radio stations, trying in vain to time your fast-forward to get to your favorite song. Then we upgraded to the Diskman, which skipped constantly and ate batteries like zombies eat brains. The MP3, invented in 1998, still feels like a little digital miracle.

19. The album Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen

Carly is over 30 but the purest pop album of the 2010s is not.

18. The Rachel

The haircut The Rachel turned 20 a while back. It was not great looking but it is always a solid pop-culture reference.

I know I could have just put the show Friends on the list but that’s not really how things are going.

17. Movie Rental Kiosks

I know we’re having a cultural moment where it’s trendy to miss Blockbuster – and it was fun there! they even had overpriced movie theater candy in boxes! – but remember when movie rental kiosks like Redbox came onto the scene and you could rent movies for a dollar a day?

16. Netflix

Speaking of which.

15. – 6. [Reserved]

Not to pull back the curtain on you or anything, but my laptop broke and I’ve been typing this draft in Notes on my phone.  I’m a senior book editor in real life and I’m going to take a page from my authors, who will mark whole blocks as [Reserved] when they actually just didn’t get around to writing anything. I’m onto you, guys. It’s a cute trick.

5. The Marriage Of Barack and Michelle Obama

This marriage is 25 years old and it’s by far my favorite under-30-year-old marriage.

4. Babies, Generally

Babies, who are always under 30, are super cute and have not developed the capability to let us down, unlike practically everybody else in 2017. Go babies.

3. The World Wide Web

I remember what it was like having to find out everything using the yellow pages, a card catalog, my parents’ 1976 encyclopedia set, and conversation. It was AWFUL. A world of information at your fingertips is truly extraordinary, and it’s only been around since 1990.

2. Almost Every Living Cat

I’m not even trying to make this a cat person-dog person thing, it’s just that cats thrive on resentment and they’ll get more joy out of this than being number 1.

There are a few 31-year-old cats who have to be judged against the rest of us over-30-year-olds.

1.Every Living Dog

I’m older than every dog alive, guys.

Fall Memes Make Me Feel Fine: Me On Election Day 2016 vs. 2017

Election Day 2016 was a year ago today. A year that felt like walking uphill through knee-high mud that’s like 50% sewage and every time you start to make progress more orange mud slides down but you keep going and then the mud starts tweeting at you. On November 8, we were sweet summer children who looked like Shirley Temple and now we all look like Norman Bates’s mom in Psycho.

It’s been a year.

But here, let’s let my favorite election meme of the year – Me On Election Day 2016 vs. Me On Election Day 2017 – tell the tale:

I’m always here for Sissy Spacek, is all.

Like Eleven in season 2 of Stranger Things, this has been the journey from pretty to bitchin’.

They’re not all going to be ’70s/’80s themed, but we are all sweet innocent baby Drew Barrymore vs. Firestarter Drew Barrymore, right.

I think this is my favorite: a classic portrait of Jesus painted by a renaissance master vs: the work of an elderly Spanish woman with a lot of ambition and zero face-drawing skills.

Election night 2016 was (Good Place season 1 spoiler!) that moment when you find out you were really in hell all along.

And here I thought punching Nazis was just a thing my grandpas got to do in World War II.

I saw Triumphant Peggy (Mad Men) vs Handmaid June (The Handmaid’s Tale) as a 2016 vs 2017 comparison earlier this year, but it’s perfect for election day.

I love the ones that paint our 2017 Election Day as badass superheroes but sometimes it’s more like Sad Andy Dwyer.

We should have learned not to make jubilant predictions from Titanic, right?

What I don’t want lost in the above is that I LOVE Britney Spears and think 2007 Britney, in hindsight, was awesome.

One more Stranger Things one? #WinoForever

It wouldn’t be us if there wasn’t an Orphan Black reference. 2016: Alison Hendrix. 2017: a blood-splattered Helena.

In Jessie Spano speak, 2016: I’m so excited. 2017: I’m so scared.

Sidebar: I WISH I had been Canadian on Election Day 2016.

For my fellow Old People: From Gidget to Norma Rae.

I’m 31 and feel personally attacked.

You don’t know how long I searched for Chilton-era Rory Gilmore vs Handmaid’s Tale Alexis Bledel.

Fun fact, you can pick any two images of Julia Louis-Dreyfus, from Seinfeld, Veep, or both, and they will work for this.

I should have known hooded Kermit would make an appearance; I’m sure tea-sipping Kermit is out there somewhere on Twitter, too.

 

 

A Letter To My Past Self (On November 7th, 2016)

To: Past Self (November 7th, 2016)
From: Current Self (November 7th, 2017)

Tomorrow is Election Day. It’s the day the world has been anticipating for months years. Countless debates, a tough primary, campaign appearances left and right: it’s all coming to a head tomorrow. But tomorrow – prepare for the worst.

Prepare yourself for the unimaginable. Prepare yourself to see a divided America like never before. Prepare yourself to be constantly shocked but not surprised by what the next four years can bring. Prepare yourself for an election night you’ll never forget.

You’ll see the numbers start trickling in. You’ll get so nervous you’ll start watching The West Wing for comfort. You will think that all the media outlets have made an accounting error. You’ll wait for them to come back like Steve Harvey admitting he crowned the wrong woman Miss Universe. You’ll start to wonder if the electoral college should be a process we should still adhere to when the person with the popular vote loses. You’ll never get over the 3 million more votes. You’ll dread every time you scroll past your Tumblr draft of Lorelai saying, “See you when Hillary’s president” because you were saving that for when she actually was elected president. You will ugly cry. You’ll feel like throwing up (it’s not food poisoning, it’s America). You will feel like you’re in a nightmare. That feeling might never end. It’s not a night you’ll particularly want to revisit ever again.

Wednesday will not be a good day. Going to work will feel like going to a funeral. It will be eerily quiet. Thursday and Friday won’t be good either. For that matter, neither will Saturday, Sunday or the following week. You’ll go through the five stages of grief (even though acceptance might never be complete).

You will see the worst in people. You’ll see the worst in people that you hoped would never happen but does. It will happen immediately. Like within 24 hours immediately. You’ll see stories of DT voters yelling at strangers to “get out of the country, Apu”,  his name graffittied on the door of the Muslim Students Association at NYU, and two white male college students driving to Hillary’s alma mater Wellesley & parking outside a house for black students, yelling Make America Great Again. And it won’t stop.

In fact, you’ll see the KKK decide not to hide behind their white shrouds anymore and lead a march with tiki torches, resulting in the death of a protestor. You continue to ask if it’s still 2017 or 1957. The term “on many sides” will have a new meaning after this event.

So many bad things will happen that even when you try to track it all, you can’t. There will be a Muslim travel ban. A ban against transgendered people from joining the military. Denial of climate change by promising to pull out of the Paris accord. A threat of “fire and fury” on North Korea. He & the Republicans will confirm a Supreme Court Justice all thanks to the Senate deciding to change the law in their favor. He’ll encourage police brutality. He’ll bully the mayor of San Juan and continue to ignore Americans in Puerto Rico. Russia. To name a few.

It will get so bad you’ll actually get nostalgic about George Bush and reconsider if Mitt Romney’s “binders of women” was actually just an adorable joke and nothing more.

But the thing is, you’ll also see the best in people. You’ll see strangers come together in a Burbank park the day after the election to talk about their emotions and eager to take action. You’ll never call or contact your representatives in D.C. as much as you will after this day. You’ll have some of them on speed dial. The term “She Persisted” becomes a new slogan for women. You’ll learn that because of the results of this election, thousands of women will be inspired to run for public office and serve within their own communities. Organizations like Planned Parenthood and the ACLU will receive unprecedented donations (some made in VP Mike Pence’s name). You’ll see brave people stepping up and defending strangers against bigots, with some even losing their lives to fight back.

The day after the inauguration, you’ll see millions of women, men, and children across the country come together in unity to advocate for equality. And not just in America, but all over the world, with 5 million people taking a stand against hate and standing for love. But the activism doesn’t stop there. Grab a sign and go to the airport. March for science. March for impeachment. Weekends are busy because Protest is the New Brunch.

Just like Pearl Harbor or 9/11, those who lived through Election Day 2016 will never forget it. Nor will they think they’re the same before and after those official results came in. And neither will you. You’ll wake up every morning for the next 365 days (and probably until his entire administration is out of office) and check the Twitter trends to see what fresh hell awaits you. But remember to never sit back and watch it all unfold. Do something. Encourage others to fight the too. And most importantly, don’t give up hope. Hope that our country actually will be great, but it’s up to us to achieve that.

To take a page out of the Obama Speech Archive: “I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.”

Fight. Insist. Resist.