Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: The Handmaid’s Tale

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This weekend you could turn on your TV  to watch a totalitarian regime use self-serving but ostensibly biblical rationale to oppress women, the LGBT community, intellectuals and others – or you could turn the news off, flip over to Hulu and watch the first five episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale. We suggest the latter.

If you aren’t familiar with Margaret Atwood’s 1985 novel The Handmaid’s Tale, you won’t need to know much before you watch the Hulu series. Creator Bruce Miller wonderfully establishes the setting and reveals information at a pace that will answer all your questions in time. The Handmaid’s Tale depicts life in Gilead, a quasi-biblical military dictatorship established in the former United States after the constitution was suspended sometime in the near future. With the birth rate drastically low, low-status fertile women are assigned to Commanders as “Handmaids” to bear their children if the commander’s wife is unable to conceive. There’s no real choice in the matter: the other option is to get shipped off to the “colonies” and clean up nuclear waste. The Handmaid’s Tale focuses on Offred (Elisabeth Moss) and her experiences with her commander (Joseph Fiennes), his wife Serena Joy (Yvonne Strahovski) and fellow Handmaids (Alexis Bledel [Ofglen], Madeline Brewer [Janine], Samira Wiley [Moira]).

The Handmaid’s Tale Is So Timely It Will Scare You

Since Margaret Atwood published The Handmaid’s Tale in 1985, it’s always had unsettling echoes of reality … but sometimes it’s extra prescient. In 1985 America was experiencing the rise of the Moral Majority – a far-right backlash to developments both negative (the rise of street drugs, the growth of the AIDS epidemic) and positive (the gains made by the ’70s Gay Liberation Movement and the reproductive rights developments in Griswold v. Connecticut  and Roe vs. Wade). The back-and-forth between periods of social progress and reactionary periods of regression are familiar to anyone who’s opened a history book. An adaptation of The Handmaid’s Tale probably would have been well-received in the 90s or early 2000s, but the Hulu adaptation feels almost necessary now. With news stories about an Oklahoma bill requiring a man’s permission to get an abortion, the commodification of children in unethical surrogacy and adoption contracts, and gay men being rounded up into camps in Chechnya, it’s not hard to envision a future like Gilead.

In the novel The Handmaid’s Tale, Atwood makes it clear that not long has passed between its 1980s publication and the establishment of Gilead– she refers to cassette tapes, 1950s military surplus and 1970s magazines all still in existence. Likewise, the Hulu adaptation of The Handmaid’s Tale takes place in the near future: in flashbacks to Offred and Moira’s recent past, there are references to Tinder, Uber and Craigslist. If Gilead looks familiar it’s because it should – Atwood has commented that everything that happens in The Handmaid’s Tale has already happened somewhere in the world. Even smaller details are accurate, such as the Handmaids’, wives’ and Marthas’ (housekeeper/cook/maid) old-timey outfits —  they’re spot-on when you look deep into the trenches of some Christian Fundamentalist movements or the FLDS church, where womens’ wardrobes are a kind of Little House throwback.

The Handmaid’s Tale Is Probably Going To Win All The Acting Awards

… or at least it should. If you watched Mad Men you already know that Elisabeth Moss can do everything, but if not we’re letting you know: Elisabeth Moss can do everything. She seamlessly switches from young, carefree Offred, to Offred as a Handmaid concealing her distaste for the regime, at once defiant and compliant. Moss excels both in scenes without dialogue and in voice-overs (I especially enjoyed the voiceovers after re-reading The Handmaid’s Tale and getting to the epilogue — no spoilers, but I forgot about that part). Joseph Fiennes is just as the Commander should be: he’s clearly part of the regime, but you can’t help but have some questions about him. Yvonne Strahovski is delightfully icy as Serena Joy. I admit that when I read The Handmaid’s Tale I was expecting something a little more Tammy Faye Bakker, but she’s actually perfect for a 2017 version. I can just picture Serena Joy as the Pinterest-perfect upper-class housewife before Gilead.

The real revelation, though, is Alexis Bledel as Ofglen. We’re both longtime, reunion-panel-attending Gilmore Girls fans, but having only seen Alexis as Rory I didn’t really know what range she is capable of. In one instant you can see why Offred believes that Ofglen is totally sold on the Gilead lifestyle, and in the next you understand that Ofglen is a rebel. Ofglen is both unbreakable and quietly devastated, and Alexis’s innocent appearance is used to better end here than it is in Gilmore Girls; as Vanity Fair noted, “she’s less Bambi here and more trapped bird.”

For what it’s worth, in my notes I wrote “somebody should have told me Samira Wiley was in this,” so I’m telling you now. If Poussey was one of your favorites in Orange Is The New Black, you’ll absolutely love Samira as the ebullient Moira in The Handmaid’s Tale. If Moira’s character in the Hulu series has the same outcome as Moira in the novel, I can’t wait to see it, but at least through episode 5 she is seen only in flashbacks.

The Handmaid’s Tale Works Really, Really Well As A Show

Many books suffer in film adaptations, and I think even more suffer in television adaptations. However, the Hulu limited series is the perfect way to adapt The Handmaid’s Tale. The format has allowed for expanded stories of some of the characters — for instance, Ofglen has a bigger backstory and a different fate in the show; we have filled in Moira and Offred’s history, but there is still more of Moira’s future to come as of episode 5. Although some characters have been altered or expanded on a bit, every change preserves the spirit of the book. Bruce Miller also made the wise choice of adding in details to show that we aren’t too far off from 2017. Now that The Handmaid’s Tale has been renewed for a second season, I do wonder how the comparison to the book will pan out. Does the first season encapsulate the whole novel, or will the season end partway through? If you have read the book, you’ll know that the Epilogue gives fodder for how the show could continue if season one does end with the book.

Still, I’d argue that all of the best adaptations succeed because they can be enjoyed on their own merits, and that’s my belief of The Handmaid’s Tale. The whitewashed lighting and beautiful set and costume design lend a real cinematic feel, and the writing includes plenty of time for suspense and speculation — but it doesn’t go full Lost and add a ton of elements that the viewer doesn’t have time to make sense of. Even the songs at the end of each episode are perfect. It’s dystopian fiction without any teens being sorted, and it’s grounded enough in reality that you won’t feel like it’s set on a different planet. The Handmaid’s Tale is a series so gripping that when I remember it’s Wednesday and a new episode is up, I’m more than happy to switch off the news. Nolite te bastardes carborundorum, bitches.

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‘Anne With An E’ Thoughts, And Other Anne Reading

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Where my kindred spirits at?

We are mere days from the Netflix premiere of ‘Anne With An E,’ but I had the pleasure of viewing the first two episodes earlier this spring when my Canadian TV signal was coming in. There’s a lot to be excited about,  so I’ll just mention a few things now:

  • In an epic Meeting Of The Canadian Cultural Icons, the opening titles of ‘Anne With An E’ are set to The Tragically Hip’s Ahead By A Century, giving the song a new meaning and perfectly encapsulating Anne.
  • The aesthetics are phenomenal. The ‘Anne With An E’ production strove for authenticity in its sets and costumes, but certainly also to meet a modern appeal. To wit: the puffed sleeve dress won’t look as ’80s as the one in the (dearly, deservedly beloved) Megan Follows version. Yes, that ’80s dress was historically accurate, but the choice was one that complimented a 1980s aesthetic; the choices in this production, similarly, are historically accurate but complement a 2017 aesthetic. That is to say that many of the rooms in Green Gables are beautifully bare and folksy, like a Kinfolk spread. Both the CBC and Netflix premieres included flower crowns and a flower wall. The town shots of Avonlea are a little more ‘gritty’ and a little less Little House on the Prairie. The colors are at once washed out and sepia-tinged. It’s just PRETTY, in a way any production set in Prince Edward Island should be. You can see what Anne’s swooning over.
  • ‘Anne With An E’ does depart from the books, for better or worse. I hate to bemoan too much imagination in a discussion of Anne of Green Gables, of all things… plus the (dearly, deservedly beloved) Megan Follows version strayed from the books in its own ways. With this adaptation helmed by Breaking Bad writer Moira Walley-Beckett, safe to say things are considerably darker. There are two arguments to be made here. The first is that Lucy Maud Montgomery knew darkness as a child, as her mother died when she was very young and her father effectively abandoned her, but chose a light and optimistic outlook in the Anne novels. The second is that the darkness is implicit in the Anne series anyway. We know Anne was overworked and abused in her earlier placements, and we knew of her loneliness in the orphanage. Her use of imagination as an escape permeates Anne of Green Gables, especially. She does face rejection and fear abandonment; she cannot remember being loved.
  • However, some plot devices that were used to increase the dramatic tension in ‘Anne With An E’ felt unnecessary. The classic Anne debacles – the hair dye, the ridgepole, the Lady of Shalott business, good Lord, the cordial – are enough.
  • I think Anne Shirley was always a feminist, but ‘Anne With An E’ couches that in more modern terminology. For instance, Anne tells Marilla that girls can do anything boys can. It struck me as anachronistic, but then I remembered my niece who I’ll be watching this with and realized that it’s not for me. I’ll take some improbable dialogue if it’s to a good end, especially in a children’s series. I’d compare it to the 1994 adaptation of Little Women that way.

  • Finally, if there’s one reason to give this adaptation of Anne a chance, it’s Anne herself. Amybeth McNulty is the closest to the Anne of my imagination of any actress so far. Anne is aged up to 13 in this series, and Amybeth really does look like a 13-year-old who sees herself as scrawny; it was hard to suspend disbelief when the wonderful Megan Follows looked 17 in the first movie. Amybeth has just the right intelligence and spirit behind her eyes to make a convincing Anne, effectively conveying Anne’s disappointment, trauma and high-flying spirit. If I was 15 I’d totally want to be bosom friends with her.

The take-away: ‘Anne With An E’ – or any Anne adaptation – won’t meet muster for some fans of the 1985 CBC series Anne of Green Gables, but there’s a lot to love if you judge it on its own merits. I’ve loved Anne since I first read Anne of Green Gables in second grade, and I enjoyed the episodes I saw of ‘Anne With An E’ enough that I’m anxious to see the rest of the series. You could say that some liberties were taken with the stories, but you could also say that there was plenty of scope for the imagination in the original texts.

Other Anne Reading
Marilla Cuthbert Was a Creepy Church Hag

My analysis of Marilla Cuthbert – whom I love, of course – as a creepo who kind of did try to buy a child to do chores. And if you have enough cash-money to buy a human child, you can buy her the ugly sleeves she wants, right?

Gilbert Blythe, Dream Man or D-Bag

Is Gilbert Blythe a swoon-worthy match for Anne or a total jerk who should leave her alone? Both? Neither? Or is the problem with Anne herself? Join me on the journey to unravel basically every weird romantic situation I’ve ever been in.

Anne of Green Gables 2013

Several years ago there were rumors of a modern-day Anne of Green Gables adaptation. I tried to parse out what, exactly, that would look like. Mr. Phillips and Prissy Andrews? Yeah, that’s a Dateline special waiting to happen.

Questions, Comments, Concerns: Anne Of Green Gables

Because I’ve never skipped an Anne of Green Gables adaptation, I wrote about the PBS version that aired in November of 2016. Takeaway: it was fine, I guess.

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The Rise of Riz Ahmed

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Every once in a while, an actor comes on the scene and their personality, professional work and general persona is so unique it feels like spotting a unicorn. This time around, we’ve found it in Riz Ahmed.

The 34-year-old  star has been in the business for years, but it wasn’t really until last year when he blew up on the scene with blockbuster movies and hit TV shows. It’s also worth noting he’s British Pakistani, so it goes without saying: #RepresentationIsImportant. And those are just a couple of reasons why Time magazine just named him one of the 100 most influential people of the year, with a love letter written by his American twin, Lin-Manuel Miranda. His side hustle as a rapper and activism for those without voices are the cherries on top of this perfect Riz Ahmed sundae, but let’s go back a little and see how he climbed his way to the top and into our hearts.

The son of immigrants, Riz grew up in London and started acting in high school literally to stay out of trouble. There was a prominent racist problem that coincided with Asian gang culture, and he became v unruly and disruptive in class. it wasn’t until a teacher told him, “If you can muck about on stage, you get a clap for it, not a suspension.” And that’s what started it.

He went on to Oxford University, where he graduated with a degree in PPE (Philosophy, Politics and Economics). He’s said the dramatics scene in Oxford was very white and classical, which was totally what he was used to.

“I felt massively like a fish out of water. First person I met there, they laughed in my face and told me I reminded them of Ali G. So I kind of stuck out there, in terms of where I was coming from, the way that I spoke, the way I dressed. The place that you feel like you stick out the most is the place where you should stick it out and stay. Because that’s where you can contrubute somethingnew and fresh. it’s going to be hard and sometimes really lonely. and it was. but i was able to offer something different.”

However, he did continue to pursue his acting career by attending the Central School of Speech and Drama and he eventually got a break with his first film called The Road to Guantanamo. The docudrama told the true story of three British men who were detained in Guantanamo as enemy combatants, and they were kept there for two years before they were eventually released.

Riz played one of the young men, and ironically, four of the actors from the movie were detained in London’s Luton Airport after they returned from the film’s premiere in Berlin. Riz alleged that during questioning, police asked him pointed questions, inquiring if he had become an actor to further the Islamic cause, what he thought about the Iraq war, verbally abused him and denied him access to a phone. The police maintain that none of the actors were arrested, and just detained under the Terrorism Act (which lets them question people that are acting suspicious). Basically, Riz had practice for The Night Of.

At the same time, he was also working on his music career as Riz MC, and released his first single, Post 9/11 Blues, which was controversial, as the title can suggest. But even though his intentions were more satirical than anything, the track was banned from the airwaves by the British government.

“It is about how the contours of our society have been distorted since 9/11, and how that affects every area of our lives,” Riz told The Guardian at the time. “But it’s not a rant from an angry young Muslim, it’s funny, and the music is quite poppy and radio-friendly. It’s a shame that a satirical song like this is seen as a threat.”

Like an arguably better Will Smith, Riz carried on with both his acting and music careers concurrently, and receiving acclaim for both. Most of his screen work was British-based on TV and on the big screen, earning multiple British Film Independent Award nominations. And as a rapper, he released EPs and performed at Glastonbury, and with his hip-hop duo Swet Shop Boys, most recently took the stage at Coachella. Did we mention he’s even on The Hamilton Mixtape??

By 2014, he had enough cred to break out of the British cinema bubble, garnering even more acclaim for his role opposite Jake Gyllenhaal in Nightcrawler. He served as Jake’s right hand camera man and his performance caught the eyes of several decisionmakers in Hollywood. In 2016, he had four movies come out, including Jason Bourne and Rogue One, two non-blockbusters, obviously.

On TV, he appeared in Netflix’s OA, had a short yet v important recurring role in Girls, and of course, maybe his career defining role in The Night Of. True story, I just finished watching this – seven episodes in one day and I could’ve gone on to watch the finale, but I decided it was better to not be a crazy person and saved the eighth and final episode for the next day. But that’s a testament to not only how powerful the performances are, but that the story itself is one that needs to be told.

For those who don’t know, Riz stars as Nasir Kahn, a Pakistani-American college student who couldn’t be more of an average guy. He’s pretty timid, family oriented and even tutors basketball players so they can stay on the team. One night, he takes his dad’s taxi to go to a party in downtown New York City, but a girl gets in the cab thinking he’s a real taxi driver. He agrees to drive her, but that decision changed his entire life. He goes back to her place, she offers him drugs, they have sex, and in the morning, he wakes up and finds her dead after being stabbed multiple times. But he didn’t do it. Or at least he didn’t remember what happened.

The miniseries follows Nas’ journey in prison, and how race and economic status play into the criminal justice system. Riz in particular plays Nas in a way that you are rooting for him, and left in awe of the transformation – including a maj physical one – throughout the eight episodes. And again, critics seemed to take notice, as Riz was nominated for both a Golden Globe and SAG Award this year. You’ll get ’em next time, kid.

And to top it all off and becoming the ultimate dream man, he’s continued to have that interest in social issues and politics (putting that Oxford degree to good use), and using his platform as a celebrity to bring attention to various issues, like the Syrian refugee crisis. He even teamed up with his The Night Of co-star John Tuturro to raise money for the Karam Foundation, which provides families with basic needs and delivers education programs for refugee youth. The crowdfunding campaign was a direct response to Trump’s executive order banning the entry of Syrian refugees & immigrants into the U.S. He’s raised over $178,000 and you can still donate here.

So while he’s a relative newcomer to the scene, Riz’s professional and personal work over the past year alone is more than enough reason for him to be named one of the most influential people in the world. Perhaps most importantly, it’s refreshing to see someone have such a positive influence on this generation and generations to come, all because he speaks candidly and openly about things he’s passionate about, and not in a media trained sort of way.

For example, Riz isn’t afraid to break the fourth wall and remind people that fame and celebrity doesn’t make you immune to the harsh reality of the world we live in today.

“It’s been a weird year. I’ve been enjoying the access, but, on the other hand, America and England both shot themselves in the face,” Riz noted at the Elle Style Awards earlier this year. “It was a year where I was getting searched like three time instead of two before I got on a plane, but, when I got on the plane, I was on the cover of the inflight magazine. Weird.”

He’s honest, yet professional. An activist, but not in your face. An undeniable star, but no ego. In short: Riz Ahmed is a unicorn.

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Who To Root For At The Tonys In A Post-Hamilton World

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Congrats everyone who decided to enter the Tonys this season and not last season – Hamilton will not be dominating the awards this year. But will another show take its place instead?

The 71st Annual Tony Awards nominations were announced yesterday, and coming out on top was Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812 with 12 nominations. For those of you reading this that may not be Broadway fans per se, but more of a “Hamilton changed the way I look at musical theater” type of person, I’m guess you’re less likely to watch the Tonys this year because Ham won’t be as featured as it was in 2016. But let me tell you, there are still plenty of fantastic shows that are worthy of your support, both on Tonys day and in the theater year round. Here are just some of our top picks for who to root for, and who’ll dominate come June 11th.

Dear Evan Hansen

9 nominations, including Best Musical, Best Actor in a Musical (Ben Platt), Best Score (Oscar winners Benj Pasek & Justin Paul)

What it’s all about: “All his life, Evan Hansen has felt invisible. But when a tragic event shocks the community and thrusts him into the center of a rapidly evolving controversy, Evan is given the opportunity of a lifetime: the chance to be somebody else.” {x}

Starring: Ben Platt, Laura Dreyfuss, Rachel Bay Jones

Why: Let’s just say it’s the Hamilton of 2017. Dear Evan Hansen has been winning acclaim ever since it premiered in D.C. back in 2015. When it was Off-Broadway, the show won five various awards, including an Obie for its star Ben Platt. Just for a second – we need to talk about TONY NOMINATED Ben Platt. The Pitch Perfect star may just be adding some hardware to his name come June because this is a freaking breakout role for him. If you haven’t yet, listen to the soundtrack, or at least listen to For Forever, which legit gave me goosebumps and made me cry in its 5 minute span. Another actor to look out for is Tony nominee Rachel Bay Jones, who plays Evan’s mom, a woman who just doesn’t know how to connect with her son. Her emotions pour out on So Big/So Small, and if you get to this point in the soundtrack/show without crying, this track will be the breaking point.

Speaking of which, the soundtrack debuted at number 8 on the Billboard chart, which is the highest debut by a cast recording since 1961. Hamilton didn’t even do that! It’s also worth noting that a number of notable Ham creatives are also behind DEH, including Alex Lacamoire (Music orchestrations and arrangements), David Korins (Scenic design) and Nevin Steinberg (Sound design). The first two also got nominated, but not Nevin because the Drama League is dumb and the category was taken out a couple years ago (but is being reinstated next year!). 

Come From Away

7 nominations, including Best Musical, Best Book and Best Score

What it’s all about: “Following the 9/11 attacks, 38 planes and 6,579 passengers were forced to land in Gander, Newfoundland, doubling the population of one small town on the edge of the world. Based on interviews with locals, Come From Away is about how hosting this international community of strangers spurred unexpected camaraderie in extraordinary circumstances.” {x}

Starring: Jenn Colella, Rodney Hicks, Kendra Kessebaum

Why: Making a 9/11 musical is toeing a fine line between tacky and offensive and honorable. But Come From Away has gotten positive reviews that lean towards the latter, and in fact suggest that this story is what needs to be told in this shitshow of horrific times. Peter Marks of The Washington Post even noted Come From Away “an antidote for what ails the American soul.” And while the actors may not be household names, the ensemble is a mix of both veterans and newbies, who are all worthy of a Tony, including Jenn Colella, who is up for Best Performance by a Featured Actress in a Musical.

Miss Saigon

2 nominations, Best REvival of a Musica, Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Musical

What it’s all about: “Set in 1975 during the final days of the of the Vietnam War, Miss Saigon is an epic love story about the relationship between Chris, an American GI and Kim, a young Vietnamese woman. They are separated when the country falls, until she returns to his life years later, in this musical inspired by the opera Madame Butterfly.” {x}

Starring: Eva Noblezada, Alistair Brammer, Jon Jon Briones, Rachelle Ann Go

Why: This 25th anniversary production earned rave reviews when it opened in London in 2014, and finally three years later, it has made its way across the pond with most of its original revival cast, including Eva Noblezada, who plays the lead of Kim and earned her very first Tony nom yesterday. It’s no easy feat playing a role that Filipino royalty Lea Salonga originated, but 21-year-old Eva made the role her own and is set to become a star much like Lea did years ago. In fact, like Lea was discovered at just 18 (this video will never get old), Eva was 17 when she performed at the National High School Musical Theatre Awards, and a casting director pegged her to play Kim for the London revival. The rest is history. But it shouldn’t be a surprise – here’s a vid of Eva at 14 giving Sutton Foster a run for her money .

War Paint

4 nominations, including Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Musical (Patti LuPone & Christine Ebersole)

What it’s all about: “Helena Rubinstein and Elizabeth Arden defined beauty standards for the first half of the 20th Century. Brilliant innovators with humble roots, both were masters of self-invention who sacrificed everything to become the country’s first major female entrepreneurs. They were also fierce competitors, whose 50-year tug-of-war would give birth to an industry. From Fifth Avenue society to the halls of Congress, their remarkable rivalry was ruthless, relentless and legendary—pushing both women to build international empires in a world dominated by men.” {x}

Starring: Patti LuPone, Christine Ebersole

Why: Um, Patti LuPone and Christine Ebersole? Diva-off. 

Natasha, Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812

12 nominations, including Best Musical, Best Score, Best Book, Best Direction 

What it’s all about: “Natasha is a beautiful ingénue visiting Moscow while she waits for her beloved fiancé Andrey to return from the war. In a moment of indiscretion, she is seduced by the dashing (but already married) Anatole and her position in society is ruined. Her only hope lies with Pierre, the lonely outsider whose love and compassion for Natasha may be the key to her redemption… and to the renewal of his own soul.” {x}

Starring: Denee Benton, Josh Groban

Why: I’ve heard nothing but great things about this show, and every clips I see makes me want to see it even more. The intimate setting, the creative blocking, the overall fanciful atmosphere might give it the edge over Dear Evan Hansen, which has long been considered a front runner for months.  Also worth noting – both its stars Denee and Josh Groban made their Broadway debuts with Natasha, and they’re both nominated for their first Tony awards. The girl from UnReal and Ally McBeal star Josh Groban could be Tony winners, y’all. 

Hello, Dolly!

10 nominations, including Best Revival of a Musical, Best Actors (Bette Miller, David Hyde Pierce, Gavin Creel, Kate Baldwin)

What it’s all about: “A meddlesome matchmaker brings together the young clerk of a wealthy Yonkers merchant and his assistant with a widowed milliner and her assistant, while making sure she herself gets to marry the merchant, in Jerry Herman and Michael Stewart’s musical adaptation of Thornton Wilder’s The Matchmaker.” {x}

Starring: Bette Midler, David Hyde Pierce, Gavin Creel

Why: We are bad musical theater nerds. Molly only saw the movie of Hello, Dolly for the first time recently, while I have seen neither stage musical nor movie. What I do know is that other more well-educated theater nerds have been v excited for this revival, mainly because of the return of Bette herself to the Broad-way. An established show with revered actors is bound to get some love from the Tonys, and with 10 noms it’s clear someone’s gonna go home with that trophy. 

Falsettos

5 nominations, including Best Revival of a Musical, Best Actors (Christian Boyle, Andrew Rannells, Brandon Uranowitz, Stephanie J. Block)

What it’s all about: William Finn and James Lapine’s musical combines their Off-Broadway works The March of the Falsettos and Falsettoland, which tell the story of a gay man named Marvin, his lover Whizzer, Marvin’s wife Trina and their extended family from the early ‘80s through the early days of the AIDS crisis.

Starring: Christian Borle, Andrew Rannells, Stephanie J. Block, Brandon Uranowitz, Tracie Thoms

Why: The OG version of this show premiered nearly 25 years ago, but its themes of gay relationships and the AIDS crisis are still hot topics of conversation today. In addition to the fact the story itself is so relevant, the stellar cast tells the Falsettos tale in a whole new way, and it’s definitely one to watch out for on Tonys night.

Kevin Spacey

2 nominations, 1 win

What it’s all about: Kevin Spacey is hosting the Tonys for the first time. Kevin Spacey! It seemed like kind of a random choice but I’m here for it! #MaybeHeWillAdmitHisLoveForTheaterGoesBeyondJustTheToeTappingMusical

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Best Dressed: Met Gala 2017

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by

It’s the first Tuesday in May, and you know what that means –  it’s Met Gala best dressed time! As we discussed yesterday, this year’s theme is a little different. Rather than a concept like China: Through The Looking Glass or Manus x Machina: Fashion In The Age Of Technology, or a fashion house whose founder has passed away, like Christian Dior, last night celebrated Rei Kawakubo, the 74-year-old Japanese founder of Comme des Garcons. If you’re not familiar with CDG, here’s your crash course:

  • Rei favors avant-garde silhouettes. The most famous example is probably the 1997 “lumps and bumps” collection. It’s not unusual to have a large fabric protrusion, for example. The most recent collections have included heavily-constructed architectural looks with a lot of jutting angles and giant circular capes or skirts reaching as high as the model’s chin. For instance:

  • While all colors have been represented in CDG collections, Rei’s signature is a bright scarlet red – she did a whole collection in the color in 2015.

With such offbeat influences, last night’s red carpet should have been a total blast. Unfortunately, it was more of a thud. We love a classically pretty dress at, say, the Oscars, but the whole fun of the Met Gala is in the theme, which a lot of attendees didn’t really adhere to. That’s why while there were other very nice gowns at the 2017 Met Gala, our best dressed picks are the looks that – while not always as visually appealing – represent the spirit of Rei Kawakubo and Comme des Garcons.

Rihanna in Comme des Garcons

This is typical CDG, a mass of floral blobs snaking up to Rihanna’s chin, with what looks like a stiff bodice hanging off her leg. It’s the kind of creation that you don’t get to wear unless you’re a runway model and I’m glad Rihanna saved her safer, prettier looks for another night.

Tracee Ellis Ross in Comme des Garcons

Tracee’s sporting a more wearable CDG piece — still a conceptual fabric cocoon, but one that moves with her. Rei’s designs usually stretch the idea of what is beautiful and what is odd or grotesque, but the more I look at this, the more I think it’s straight-up delightful.

Rami Malek in Dior Homme

We’ve mentioned before that Rami is one of our male fashion favorites, and it comes down to his use of color and fabrics. This is a great example of how it’s possible to pay tribute to a designer without wearing them. This is the same shade of red that was all over CDG’s Spring 2015 runway and Summer 2015 ready-to-wear collections, and the black brooch echoes CDG’s blobby shapes. Yeah, I said blobby. Also, I know the phrase “impeccably tailored” gets thrown around a lot but it’s utterly warrented here.

Katy Perry in Margiella

This landed on a lot of Worst Dressed lists, but between the color and the avant-garde construction, I think it’s one of the best for this specific occasion. It’s CDG-influenced but not a knockoff — the filmy, lacy dress is less architectural than most CDG collections.

Solange in Thom Brown

Yes, this is pretty close to how I dress between December and March in upstate New York, but it’s also nice and on-theme, with the bubbly look being an homage to the inflated lumps and bumps-era CDG.

Julianne Moore in Calvin Klein By Appointment

Another fun dress playing off of a loose interpretation of CDG. I love the playful, feathery construction.

Lena Dunham in Elizabeth Kennedy

This made my list because it’s billowy and bulky -very Rei Kawakubo – but is more of a classic gown than you see out of Comme des Garcons; it’s a nice way to tie the theme into a slightly more ‘normal’ silhouette.

Halle Berry in Atelier Versace

I think maybe a good shorthand for how to add a touch of Comme des Garcons style would be to think sea creatures. Whether a bloated jellyfish or zebra mussels on a reef, something in most CDG collections reminds me of the wackier forms of underwater life. That’s what this gown does for me.

 

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6 Met Gala Facts I Learned From The The First Monday In May

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by

Today is the the first Monday in May, which means it is Met Gala Monday for fashion industry insiders and fans alike. AKA That Same Fancy Party Solange Beat Up Jay Z In An Elevator.

The hottest celebs, top models, and revered fashion designers will climb the famed Met Museum steps and be treated to an over-the-top party in conjunction with the opening of this year’s annual Costume Institute exhibit Comme des Garçons, the label led by Japanese designer Rei Kawakubo. By using her as the focal point, this marks the first time a living designer is the sole subject of the exhibit since Yves Saint Laurent in 1983. Rei is more than qualified for the job, as she is regarded to be one of the most influential and innovative designers in recent years. Her distinctive style is… distinctive, and I can’t wait to see how the stars interpret this theme at the gala.

Now please picture Kim Kardashian in something akin to this.

Of course, we plebeians only think about the Met Gala once a year, but for those who work behind the scenes to make it a success having been planning for months. And if you want to peek behind the Met curtain (and don’t have $55K to attend the actual gala), you should probably watch the documentary The First Monday in May, which gives viewers an inside look at the 2015 Met Gala – AKA That Same Fancy Party Solange Beat Up Jay Z In An Elevator. Pre-showdown, of course. Planning of the gala has always been kept on the downlow, which is why this doc is the first of its kind.

“It’s very secretive,” Vogue contributing editor Plum Sykes, says of the gala. “(Anna) doesn’t want anyone to know what she’s planning or what she’s up to until the minute they walk down that red carpet and through the door.”

That being said, it v was enlightening to see what is usually unseen, so I’m here to share some of the things I learned after watching the doc. So much shit goes down, you guys. Not just in an elevator.

Anna Wintour is Anna Wintour

Anna, the American Vogue Editor-in-Chief, has been in charge of the Met Gala for more than 20 years, so she knows what she’s doing. But she also has a reputation of wanting things a certain way and isn’t afraid to tell people the harsh truth. I mean, she is the inspiration behind The Devil Wears Prada. And in the film, I’d say I didn’t really learn anything new about her personality per se. What you see is what you get. There’s a scene where she defends her persona by saying she’s “very decisive”, and I think that’s all you really need to know about her. For the gala in particular, she’s involved with every single decision – and since there’s so many (napkin design, tablecloth choices, floral arrangements etc.) anyone would have to be Type A and super decisive to maintain some sort of productive workflow.

Rihanna Is Expensive

Every year there’s a special performer at the Met Gala and for 2015, organizers had their eyes on Rihanna. But surprise surprise, she’s v expensive. They didn’t say how much she was asking for, but there’s an entire segment where event planners are worrying over her requested payout (and an “entourage budget”?). The negotiations play out behind the camera, and the movie ends with her performance of Bitch Better Have My Money with stars bobbing their heads in the audience. Not to mention, she made a triumphant entrance on the red carpet with this stunning canary yellow gown by Chinese designer Guo Pei. I remember literally gasping outloud (and maybe tearing up?) when I saw this in real time, and still dream about it. The piece is from Guo Pei’s 2010 collection and took 20 months to construct, weighs 55 pounds, which is about how heavy my hopes and dreams are.

Seating is a Nightmare

Just imagine a wedding but 10 times bigger and with angrier publicists. As previously mentioned, Anna is involved with every part of the party planning process, so when she gets in there to look over seating chart, she dives right in and rearranges the sticky notes in the order she deems correct. Anna places herself in between Bradley Cooper and George Clooney, whose wife Amal was several seats away (organizers have a penchant for not seating dates or friends next to each other in order to encourage conversation with other people). Anna even noted that an undisclosed guest “better not be on his phone the whole time” – IS IT KANYE. Also, reminder they instituted that no selfies rule at the gala, so that was a fun thing Vogue staffers had to be on the lookout for. And even though everyone in that room is a VIP, there’s even more VIP seats/tables for super VIPs. And then some people end up in a not so great table. See: Chloe Sevigny and Solange at a small table towards the back.

Curator Turned Diplomat

Besides Anna, the other main subject of the doc is Andrew Bolton, the Met’s Costume Institute Curator. China: Through the Looking Glass was much bigger than any other exhibit they had done before, so that was already a huge challenge. But the real challenge was creating an exhibit that was paying homage to a culture, and steering away from any sort of offensive matter or cultural appropriation. Andrew enlisted the help of Hong Kong director Wong Kar-wai as the show’s artistic director, and the two of them, along with various Chinese advisors, had a number of meetings to make sure the exhibit was held in the highest regard. Andrew’s job of curator bordered on American/British (he’s British) diplomat, and it was fascinating to see. Of course with the corresponding theme of the gala, attendees had to also toe that line – so basically an alternate theme of the night was Don’t Be Racist.

There is an Exhibit

I’m being facetious here, but friendly reminder that the reason for the gala is the exhibit. As previously mentioned, Andrew Bolton and his team spend months curating and collecting pieces, and it always turns out to be a success. The China exhibit, which more than 800,000 people saw in 2015, was enjoyed by all the celebrities who walked into the Met doors, and in the doc, we get to see them in awe of the exhibit, just like we would be. Kate Hudson, Alicia Keys, Sarah Jessica Parker, Andy Cohen, Anne Hathaway and even Justin Bieber (saluting next to a dude in a chinese soldier’s uniform) are just some of the celebs we get to see all glammed up and enjoying pieces of China in New York.

Andre Leon Talley Never Stands

OK, he obviously stands but in all his scenes in the movie, he is sitting down. I find it particularly entertaining that when he’s interviewing celebs on the red carpet for the Vogue livestream, he’s still sitting down. You do you, bb.

The First Monday in May is currently streaming on Netflix

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Throw Your Own #FyreFestival For Under $50

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

Imagine Coachella. Now imagine a more upscale version of it, promoted with the ritzy allure of a pricey island getaway. Got it? That’s what attendees of the inaugural Fyre Festival were expecting. Okay, now imagine the Tom Hanks movie Castaway, except with crowds and feral dogs. That’s what attendees got. Price tag? A cool $12,000. If you’re confused but intrigued, welcome to the club.

It all started in late 2016, when rapper Ja Rule began promoting a new “boutique, luxury festival” in the Bahamas. 400 “influencers” were compensated for promoting the fledgling festival on Instagram. Here, have a promotional video:

There was supposed to be music, boats, models on boats, jet skis, models on jet skis, a friendly island pig, snorkling through shipwrecks, gourmet chef tents, workouts on the beach, and workouts on the beach with models.

The reality:

https://twitter.com/MattHalfhill/status/857828241234460672

https://twitter.com/JensenClan88/status/857868378190471168

Poorly-constructed tents, sandwiches that are just cheese on bread with some naked lettuce, angry feral dogs, disgruntled locals and beach-garbage. One tweet used the phrase “pee everywhere.” You can’t always get what you want, even if you paid $12,000 for it.

Now, if this were a totally rad ’90s kids movies, this is when the festival-goers would fix up the site with ingenuity and elbow grease, throwing the BEST festival of all-time and making friends along the way.

Unfortunately, as I’ve known since I tried to make objects fly with my brain after watching Matilda, life is seldom like a 90s kids’ movie. The festival is effectively cancelled. The guests marooned on the island are probably getting some kind of hotel accommodations, and it looks like nobody else will be flying out to join them. It’s like reverse-Survivor: everyone just wants off the island. Or is it more like a millennial take on Lord of the Flies, an experiment to see whether Instagram influencers can convince people that Caribbean Hell is actually a good time had by all? I’d say it’s more akin to a good old-fashioned grift: planners put forth minimal cash and, well, planning and hoped things would come together well enough, earning a steep profit on everyone’s $12,000 ticket.

If you’re watching from home and wonder if you could through an even cheaper version of the Fyre Festival, the answer is yes. Here’s how you can recreate the experience at home:

Venue: Your Backyard
Cost: Free

Sure, it’s not as flashy as the Bahamas, but to be fair it looks like nobody is really enjoying the Bahamas at this festival anyway.

Lodging: Rental Tents
Cost: $10/each

The cheapest dome-style camping tents run about $10 and honestly look better than the disaster relief tents at Fyre. Cram as many as you want in the backyard.

Wildlife: Feral Dogs
Cost: Free

It’s probably hard to find and wrangle feral dogs, but if you want to find a plain old mean dog I know just the thing. Based on my experience, all you have to do is walk your mild-mannered dog down a residential street on a nice day. At least one dirtbag dog will come charging out of its house at you. Grab it. That dog is coming to the festival.

Dinner: A Sad Cheese Sandwich With Lettuce Pile
Cost: $5-10

Guests were promised custom chef-created meals and actually received a sad piece of American cheese on soggy bread next to some naked salad. We got this. You can get a pack of American cheese and a loaf of cruddy bread at the dollar store for a buck each. (I bake my own bread for less than a dollar a loaf, but that’s too nice for our purposes). A head of romaine and a few beefsteak tomatoes later, you’ve got a meal, sort of. By my estimate you could serve ten people this ‘dinner’ for a grand total of about $5-7, with the price only increasing slightly the more people you add.

Atmosphere: Some Garbage and Fire
Cost: Free

Because I guess there are just piles of garbage everywhere? Probably also bees. Just leave an open soda out, the bees will come.

True to the festival’s name, things are on fire.

Bathrooms: Pee Everywhere
Cost: Free

We are told there is pee everywhere, so.

Authentic Island Experience: A Sunburn
Cost: Free

Dont’ wear sunscreen. Boom. You have the same sunburn you’d get in the Bahamas, just cheaper.*

*Oh my goodness, don’t do this.

 

 

Seating: Folding Chairs
Cost: $1/chair

Furniture-wise, everyone was expecting luxurious cabanas with draped canopies and artisinal woven blankets. Based on photograph evidence, they got folding chairs. I googled folding chair rentals, and the most basic model will set you back a dollar a chair. Only budget for one chair per person, or fewer if you’d like exciting tension.

Entertainment: Not Blink 182
Cost: Free

Sure, your festival won’t have Blink 182, but you know what? As of yesterday, neither will Fyre Festival.

Activities
Cost: Free

Ideas:

  • Everyone competes to get the most Instagram likes. There can be Team Luxury who has to frame the experience as something more swanky than mere plebes can imagine, and Team Despair who makes everything look even shadier than it already is.
  • Two teams compete to get a passing plane or helicopter to rescue them.
  • Stay Away From The Feral Dogs. Prize: don’t get bit by a feral dog.
  • Makeovers, maybe? Everyone can use their fashionable outfits from when they thought they were going somewhere nice to have fun.
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Celeb Kids I’d Like To Be On Take Your Kid To Work Day

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25 years ago, parents started bringing their daughters to the one place they went to get away from their kids – work.

Take Your Daughter To Work Day started in 1993 by the Ms. Foundation for Women, in an effort to expand young girls’ career horizons and increase visibility of adult women in the workplace. In 2003, they expanded the day to include boys, officially renaming it Take Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, because #MensRights.

Growing up, I’d spend a number of days in my mom or dad’s office (official holiday or not), and because I was a nerd, I liked playing with office supplies and drawing on that old school green and white striped printer paper. Playing “office” in an office was some next level shit. But sitting in the corner of a cubicle listening to the soft rock radio station is nothing compared to going to work with people who have much more “interesting” jobs than my parents. Here are just some kids I’m jealous of, whose day probably won’t include playing with a printing calculator.

Blue Ivy Carter {Daughter of Beyonce and Jay Z}

https://www.instagram.com/p/BRzOwyKjRi8/?taken-by=beylite

Blue already seems like the type of kid who goes to work with her parents on the daily anyways, but to get an all access pass to Jay and Bey’s work life? Sign me up. Get up, work out in Ivy Park gear, lay down a track in the studio, rehearse for the upcoming tour, have a meeting with a top Hollywood executive, then attend the Met Gala at night? Yes. But let’s be real – I would go to work with Blue Ivy any day of the week.

Hazel and Violet Krasinski {Daughters of Emily Blunt and John Krasinski}

You know how you just know people are going to be good parents? Like they were always meant to be parents, but they just didn’t have the kids yet? That’s how I feel about Emily and John – two people I do not know personally. They both seem like warm, loving people who are good humans, and therefore would raise good humans. Bonus: I wouldn’t be surprised if John willingly plays dress up and tea with his two daughters with no shame at all.

Sebastian Miranda {Son of Lin-Manuel Miranda and Vanessa Nadal}

We haven’t even seen Sebastian Miranda’s face, but if you follow Lin at all, it’s pretty clear their tot is a genius. Which makes sense given his dad is a Tony/Grammy/Emmy/Pulitzer winner and his mom is a scientist who got bored so she decided to get her law degree. What is it like to have such smart parents? I’d love to get a glimpse of Lin’s creative process then follow him on set with Emily Blunt on Mary Poppins Returns (DOES SEBASTIAN PLAY WITH HAZEL AND VIOLET?), and then shadow Vanessa and understand absolutely nothing about the law? That would be a bit of a day.

Prince George and Princess Charlotte {Royal kids of Prince William and Princess Kate}

As Americans, part of the reason why we obsess so much over the royals is because we don’t really have the equivalent of them here. Maybe Jay and Bey? But it’s not the same. So the fascination with Wills and Kate and their two offspring is astonishing. I get that they do a lot of humanitarian work and travel all over the UK and the rest of the world, but just to see what a normal day in the life of a Princess would be an American girl’s dream.

North and Saint West {Kids of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West}

Kim Kardashian has such a public profile that you’ve got to wonder if there’s anything she keeps to herself, or if her personality among friends and family is the same that you see on TV. Meanwhile, her husband may shy away from the reality TV show cameras and in-depth interviews about the details of his life, but he’s obviously not afraid of going on long-winded Twitter rants or IRL rants. Sure, going to the studio with Ye or a photo shoot with Kim would be fun, but honestly, what are they like as parents without the cameras around?

Luna Legend {Daughter of Chrissy Teigen and John Legend}

The opportunity to have John Legend sing to me all day while Chrissy works on recipes for her new cookbook in the kitchen? You’d have to be nutso to decline that.

Alice and Penelope Richmond {Daughters of Tina Fey and Jeff Richmond}

TBH, I’d hang out with Alice and Penelope without Tina and Jeff, but in terms of a workload, I imagine both of their schedules are insane. Tina’s working on the upcoming season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and she’s executive producing new sitcom from 30 Rock/The Mindy Project alum Tracey Wigfield Great News, and also a pilot (starring Casey Wilson & Busy Philipps!), while she and Jeff are working on adapting Mean Girls into a musical – due to hit the stage this fall in D.C. I just want a sneak peek of the musical.

Sasha Obama {Daughter of Michelle and Barack Obama}

Sure, would it have been a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go to work with your dad at the White House when he was still the leader of the free world? Yeah. But post-presidency Barack – the most low key Barack of them all – is the one I want to know all the things about. He’s technically not working, but it seems like he’s living his best life kitesurfing with millionaires, attending Broadway shows with Malia, and hanging out on yachts with other millionaires like Oprah and Tom Hanks. Maybe it’s just because I miss him and Mich a lot. Maybe it’s both.

Baron Trump {Son of Melania and Donald Trump}

Barron Trump is an enigma. But I just want to see for myself exactly how much (how little) work his dad is doing. Then get out of there ASAP.

Coachella 2017 Fashion Wrap-Up

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Another Coachella is in the books, and once again we chose to enjoy the festivities from the relative comfort of our living rooms (what can I say, I can’t even go out in the upstate New York sunshine for more than a half hour without consequences). We may not be wearing flower crowns and using porta-potties in a desert, but we still love keeping tabs on the performances, the celebrity interactions and especially the outfits. Coachella is a time when anything goes — it may not always look good, but that’s not the point. It’s a time when you can mix and match outlandish colors and patterns, over-accessorize, and pull out that hat that’s just too floppy for ordinary use. Let’s have a look at some of the fashion moments of Coachella 2017:

Actual Musicians

The Gucci tank top and sunglasses: pretty expected. The crystal bodysuit: next level. Rihanna never disappoints.

Tennis (Alaina Moore and Patrick Riley) proves that the venn diagram of hipster style and your parents’ photos from 1984 now just forms a circle. Dad jeans, white tourist sneakers, and my mom’s old perm – finally stylish again after all these years.

Brian D’Addario of The Lemon Twigs is picking up where Harry Styles left off, reviving the plaid suit from ’70s car dealerships to rockstar glam. This one’s from the Gucci heritage collection.

Kehlani performs and potentially ushers in the return of the ultra wide leg pant.

I’m the first to admit that I don’t know who Tacocat is, but if you asked me to come up with the quintessential Coachella performance outfit, this would be it.

Lorde knows if you can’t wear space pants to Coachella, where can you?

Thundercat usually has some kind of a fanciful hat, and I’m calling this one a tribute to Luna Lovegood. Actually, I’m calling Coachella in general a tribute to Luna Lovegood.

Disney (Channel) Princesses

One of my favorite 90s throwback looks is the floral sundress, and Selena Gomez’s dress looks almost exactly like a little number I sported c. 5th grade, 1996. She looks fresh, summery and comfortable. The Weeknd has some dressed-down Justin Timberlake Canadian Tuxedo vibes, which isn’t a value judgment, it’s just something I’m seeing.

Continuing in the grown-up Disney starlets portion of our post, Vanessa Hudgens is a Coachella regular and I love this bright, draped take on a caftan.

This look from Vanessa Hudgens plays it a little less safe, and I can just hear Jennifer Lopez as Selena saying “it’s a BUSTIER!” Two things you saw a lot of in crowd photos: that black hat and chokers.

Speaking of looks not everyone can pull off, Ashley Tisdale rocks some high-waisted mom jeans with brown booties, a denim jacket and another Selena-style bustier, and it looks cute and casual, not to mention practical with all of that sand and dust and sunlight.

Prettiest Little Liars

Troian Bellisario looks sweet, summery and sunshine-ready. This may be the look with the best crossover-potential to your normal summer lifestyle.

Shay Mitchell documented the weekend on YouTube, with a camera crew, makeup artist and hairstylist… which can sound like a lot until you remember that for celebs, Coachella isn’t just a weekend trip, it’s a business opportunity to pair with sponsors and raise their profile. Plus, Shay seems like such a sweet person that I can’t even get too salty that her weekend wardrobe is bigger than my wardrobe in general.

 

Ashley Benson debuted neon-pink ombre hair at Coachella. I don’t know about all of you, but I am not at ALL sick of the neon/pastel/rainbow/mermaid hair trend. Love it.

Early 2000s Nostalgia Corner

Paris Hilton has been going to Coachella since some of the younger attendees needed afterschool babysitters, and celebrated her 10th year at the festival with a beweled rainbow dress, cat ears, heart sunglasses and rainbow butterfly wings.

Ashlee Simpson leaned more towards the put-together LOOK style with a heavily embroidered jacket and matching studded blue pants. Evan Ross always looks good, although his shirt is that print that every stylish old lady had a scarf version of in the late 80s … although the Dynasty throwback is probably intentional.

Prime Time Players

Sophie Turner’s muscle tee is literally a tee that says “muscle,” which I kind of love. The faded strawberry-pink hair and pink booties tie it together in a look that’s casual enough to actually hang out in the sand.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BS64So1AcKg/?taken-by=yarashahidi

https://www.instagram.com/p/BS5dOYYA6pM/?taken-by=yarashahidi

Yara Shahidi is one of our blog favorites, and it’s because of looks like this. It’s fun when people go off-the-wall for festival fashion, but Yara always looks pulled-together and accessorized to just the right level.

 

Emma Roberts is getting her inner Anne Shirley on, because those are some puffed sleeves. My favorite part is the tie front though.

Apparently Ariel Winter’s long pink ‘do is a wig, which has got to be a lot easier on your hair if you just want a quick change-up for the weekend.

Cole Sprouse called out Coachella-goers for appropriating fashion like Native American headdresses, so it is no surprise that he dressed completely appropriately in this deconstructed, rumpled white tunic. What DOES come as a surprise is that Cole Sprouse is now a handsome adult man, even though I do know that that’s how time works. Guess I should be watching Riverdale?

Pop Culture Blind Spot: Hello Dolly

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Welcome back to Pop Culture Blind Spot, where we examine beloved films and tv shows that we definitely should have seen by now. Up today: Hello Dolly, a movie musical totally missed by this person who loves movie musicals.

What I think I know about Hello Dolly: It’s from the 1950s but set in that time all mid-century musicals were – approximately 1908, or whenever Main Street Disney is supposed to be. It’s about Barbra Streisand… doing vaudeville, maybe. The only thing I know is the song Hello Dolly, and by that I mean the part of the song where they say Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly.

Let’s see how wrong I am!

Right out the gate, this was made in 1969, making me nearly twenty years off in release date. I guess I should have been tipped off by the fact that Babs would have been a child in the ’50s.

But it IS from the era I was thinking of-ish: New York City, 1890! I’m already into it by the Ken Burns-y fade-in they do from a still photo of a 1908 street scene to live motion.

The continued opening shots showing people’s feet as they skip, hopscotch and trip-trap about are fantastic. This leads me to look up who directed this… Gene Kelly?!? WOAH. I had no idea he directed, too. Talk about a quintuple threat.

Premise: Dolly Levi (Barba Streisand) is a matchmaker with great hats.

Ambrose (Tommy Tune), doing a nerd voice, wants to marry scroogey rich Horace Vandergelder’s niece Ermengarde. I assume Ermengarde was meant as a nerd name even in the 60s. Ermengarde has a great fuchsia hairbow and a nice complexion.

 

Horace: You are a seven-foot-tall nincompoop!

Ambrose: That’s an insult!

Horace: All the facts about you are insults!

Horace, re: his clerk Cornelius’s announcement that he’s 28 and 3/4 years old: “That’s a foolish age to be at. I thought you were 40.”

Horace (Walter Matthau!) ‘s plan is to get married.  He illustrates that through a cringey song about how it “takes a woman” to do thinks like dump ashes. He describes women as both “fragile” and “frail” but also capable of doing the garbage work he doesn’t want to do like “clean out the drain in the sink”,”washing and bluing and shoeing the mare” and “cleaning the stable.”

Okay, here’s what Horace is. He is to husbands as Marilla Cuthbert is to mothers: he’s more or less trying to buy another human for chores. It sounds like what Horace needs is a maid or a handyman. I assume that in 1969, as in 2017, this song read as a joke about how horrible Horace, the two male clerks and the chorus of singing men behind him are. Men in general I guess.

The scene with Barbra Streisand reading Horace’s palm turned me into a Barbra Streisand fan.

Apparently the frail sturdy chorewoman Horace has in mind is Irene in New York. Dolly sing-explains that SHE wants to be Horace’s wife-maid-stableboy.

Barnaby and Cornelius, the nerdy clerks, are going to New York and aren’t coming back until “they’ve each kissed a girl.” Barnaby is 19 and a half to Cornelius’s 28 and 3/4 so “for me it’s not so urgent.” I should probably mention that they’re in Yonkers, which I guess looked like the Old West in 1890, so it’s not much of a commute. Dolly sends them off to meet that hussy Irene and her shopgirl. I see what you’re doing, Doll.

About to close down the saloon early. Or feed shop. Grainery? General store.

Put On Your Sunday Clothes is the best number so far. “Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out,” sing a bunch of Newsies from a time when ‘Sunday clothes’ meant anything. Ladies dance with parasols, a film industry requirement for all technicolor musicals made before 1970. A family in all white emerges from a Queen Anne-style house and for a second it’s like we’re in a Ragtime crossover. The ladies do a tiptoe move with their bustles that’s the late Victorian precursor to twerking. People talk-sing and you can show that to any old folks incredulous about modern rap musicals. Everyone departs on a train, another one of those midcentury musical requirements.

Parasols. Newsies. Bustles. Trains. Yep, all accounted for.

We meet Irene and her galpal Minnie mid-scene with some quality chuffa:

Minnie: A banana a day keeps the doctor away.

Irene: You mean an apple a day.

Minnie:Who ever heard of a doctor slipping on an apple peel?

Established: shopgirl Minnie is an idiot and Irene’s used to it.

 

Irene Molloy (Marianne McAndrew) would be played by Kristen Wiig if this was made now.

Irene is so much cooler and smoother and better-looking than Cornelius and Barnaby, who is so dense he introduces himself as a hat, plus her shop is unnecessarily large and decorated in sophisticated grays. Minnie Fay is right about on the guys’ level though.

Expensive.

“Forgive me for saying this, but you should see Yonkers.” NEVER.

Everybody is doing that annoying trick where they mention the other person’s significant other to see if they have one. I always secretly like when guys do that, though, because it saves me the trouble about lying about a boyfriend to get them to stop talking.

Horace shows up at the shop to mack on Irene. Dolly shows up in her flashiest purple dress in Old New York and tries to act unassuming. Sorry. Make that the flashiest purple dress in the world. It’s what Prince would have worn if he was a woman in 1890.

Horace is shocked that Cornelius comes into New York City. Again, from Yonkers. In 1890, when there were trains. Dolly talks Cornelius up,  and it’s funny (” Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind’s carriage and pulled her through the streets?”).

Does this take place in one day? Also is there a term for musicals that take place in one day, because it seems like there should be?

Horace is going to march in a parade with “the kind of people I can trust – 700 men.” I remain confused as to why he doesn’t just hire a chore boy.

Barnaby is the Niall Horan of this musical: affable, charming, boyish and underrated.

While searching for images of Danny Lockin I found this FASCINATING info about what happened to him after Hello Dolly – pic links to article. Woah.

Anyway, right?

Not to make too much of Irene’s giant hat shop but it’s so big you can swing a lady in a hoop skirt without hitting anything. Which they do. If I had that kind of hat shop money I’d never get married.

Dolly has so much purple, including a little purse and a feather boa and a giant hat, that she’s like a purple muppet. She has some LONG acrylics as well, just like the Victorians did. They are her “getting back in the dating game” nails. She’s widowed.

I thought Horace was talking about a metaphorical parade, but there’s actually a giant parade. Once again, it looks like Main Street Disney. Women are there too, including some suffragettes (another requirement of technicolor musicals) but Horace goes anyway. Babs sings about parades, which is one of her specialties.

Along with Niall Horan, Barnaby also has some Mark Hamill vibes.

Niall, Cornelius, Irene and Dumb Minnie sing about how elegant they are, a thing I think you’ll notice elegant people never do. Like how smart people don’t talk about being smart. They make a fun friend group and I would 100% watch a spinoff movie of Minnie, Mark Hamill and Cornelius bumbling about and Irene having to be the only adult in the situation.

Image links to cute Hello Dolly post.

Here’s what I appreciate about the costuming here: everyone is head-to-toe color coordinated like a 1980s bridesmaid. Dress, cape, hat, shoes all dyed to the exact same color. Babs changes into what I guess is the most uncomfy loungewear invented, a lacy tan corset top with a lacy tan jacket over it with some giant sleeves. It’s kinda Stevie Nicks-esque and I’m obsessed. Her hair is a smooth orange dome with a ponytail at the end. This is her casual hairstyle.

Best I could do

Don’t worry, there are dancing waiters in red tailcoats.

I wonder if Mock Turtle Soup struck people as funny in 1969 too, but I bet it did. Just the idea that turtle soup was so in demand but so rare that people had to fake it.

“If I tell you the truth, would you let me put my arm around your waist?” Weird bargain but OK.

“I’ve never touched a woman before.” YOU DON’T SAY, CORNELIUS.

Don’t Barnaby and Cornelius sound like what a hipster couple would name their sons?

Dolly is BACK wearing a very gold beaded dress and a feather headpiece, which is what prompts everyone to sing Hello Dolly.

LOUIS ARMSTRONG IS IN THIS. I know everyone else probably knows that but I didn’t. He’s absurdly charismatic.

I kind of feel like the first hour, hour fifteen were jam-packed and then we’ve been marking time in this restaurant ever since.

There is a whole turkey on Dolly and Horace’s two-top table. Is this how rich people eat?

Cornelius dances with a fan like an idiot. On one hand, Irene can do better. On the other, they’re both having fun and he doesn’t take himself too seriously like ol’ Horace.

Horace almost fires Cornelius and Barnaby for being in New York even though I’m fairly certain he doesn’t own them like he will the chore-wife he wants to buy.

Falling in love “only takes a moment” but the song about it lasts seven.

Back in Yonkers, Barnes and Cornes quit. Cornelius is becoming a new Horace, and Barnaby is becoming the new Cornelius. Dolly and Horace are getting married. ALL the people you thought would get married in the first ten minutes will get married, but my, wasn’t it a fun journey to get there?

I just wish these men would stop singing about how it takes a ‘fragile’ woman to do chores, is all.

Bottom line: I see what the fuss was about – not so much the songs themselves (not too many showstoppers) but the character of Dolly Levi and Barbra Streisand’s performance, plus the supporting cast and throwback sets and costumes. This was delightful and a break from real life, just like a musical should be.