Made in ’86

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I usually don’t like announcing this, but today is my birthday. I have officially existed on this earth for 30 years. Hold your applause. 30 is supposed to be a milestone birthday – and it is – however I don’t really feel any different than I did yesterday (do we ever feel different when we celebrate a birthday?). It’s like prom – you build it up in your head for years, then you get there and realize it’s just another lame school dance. Do I feel young? Yes. Do I feel old? Yes. I feel all the things, y’all. But I want to share this day with you, our precious, noble, land mermaid readers, who should be able to feel all the feels I’m feeling and feel them deep in your soul. What am I even saying IDK I’m senile now.

Here are some things you may or may not realize are sharing the same milestone with me (and Molly) this year. So get in your Urkel time machine and travel back to 1986 with me, won’t you?

Pixar Animation Studios open

Pixar’s been making you laugh and cry simultaneously for years, but it officially started in ’86, when the Graphics Group, part of the computer division of George Lucas’ Lucasfilm, parted ways and became its own corporation with Apple. 20 years later, Disney bought it for about $7.4 billion. BILLION. Pixar’s first short film was Luxo Jr., which features one large and one small desk lamp, which might look familiar to you because they’re now Pixar’s logo. Luxo Jr. even became the first CGI film to be nominated for an Oscar, and is still better than a lot of movies I’ve seen in the past few years *ahem*Focus*ahem*

Geraldo Rivera Gets Mooneshine’d

I don’t really know why I thought this, but up until just before typing this sentence, I totally thought in my head Geraldo opened Al Capone’s tomb. All these years, I thought he went to his underground grave (?) and discovered nothing? Well opening Al Capone’s Secret Vault makes SO much more sense than opening Al Capone’s Grave. Anyways, Geraldo hosted this two-hour live TV special that got a lot of hype before it aired. Geraldo was expecting a treasure trove of items, and maybe even bodies (seriously, there was a medical examiner there) or piles of money. However, when he got into the secret vaults, the only things inside were dirt and several empty bottles – including one with moonshine (which makes sense, since he was a total rebel during the Prohibition Era). Even with the epic fail, it became one of the most-watched syndicated TV specials in history with about 30 million viewers tuning in to see an empty vault.

L. Ron Hubbard Succumbs To Lava

Note: L. Ron Hubbard didn’t actually die in lava, he had a stroke and died a week later. LRH had a whole shitload of health problems towards the end of his life, including weight gain, chain smoking (his teeth were disgusting), a “prominent growth on his forehead”, and suffered chronic pancreatitis. Actually, he was struggs real hard starting in the 1970s, when he faced a bunch of legal trouble, including in France, where he and the French Church of Scientology were convicted (in absentia) of fraud and customs violations. He went into hiding, living in disguise in New York then on his Sea Org fleet, and spent the last two years of his life in a luxury motorhome on a ranch in California. If you have time, just do more research on his life. It’s facsinating. He also had a son who committed suicide??

Tom Cruise Debuts Top Gun

Unrelated from Scientology, Top Gun was the top grossing movie of 1986, making over $353 million in the box office. It also marked Tom Cruise’s mark as a superstar in Hollywood with a blockbuster movie. I saw this for the first time last year and I totally got why he became such a huge heartthrob and bonafide movie star with Top Gun. Despite how kuckoo banana pants he may be now, this movie is prove that he deserves to be a star.

Disney Channel Kicks Off

It’s weird to think about now, but there was a time when TV networks just stopped progamming in the middle of the night because no one watched it, thus they saved money this way. The Disney Channel started as a premium cable network (like HBO, Showtime, etc.) in 1983, and in 1986, it went from having daily programming from 7am to 1am to 24 hours a day. That means more Disney movies, DCOMs, OG shows like Kids Incorporated and The All-New Mickey Mouse Club (yes, that MMC with Brit, JT, Ryan, Xtina, and more). I didn’t get DChan in my house until I was in middle school, which explains why I retroactively liked “kids” shows as a 13 year old.

Oprah Winfrey Begins Her World Domination

Oprah’s talk show roots started with a morning show in Chicago, and it became a hit within the first month. Oprah herself became popular thanks to her role in The Color Purple, so the network decided to take advantage of that and onSeptember 8th, 1986, her The Oprah Winfrey Show went national for the first time. That was the start of what became The Oprah Winfrey Show that went on to become bible for the next 25 years. Fun fact: the topic for Oprah’s premiere should was “How to Marry the Man or Woman of Your Choice”, notably much more different than the topics in her later years.

First 3D Printer is Built

TBH, I didn’t realize the 3D printer wasn’t a thing that was invented like 5 years ago. But what do I know, this dude clearly has had it down since ’86, and has been making plastic hubcaps ever since.

Hands Across America

So Hands Across America is still… interesting to think about. It was a fundraiser for charities serving those in poverty in the U.S. The idea was for as many Americans to hold hands and create a human chain along a path across the country. There were certain cities along the route, from New York City all the way to Long Beach, California, and some notable names at each stop. I mean from President Ronald Reagan to Michael Jackson to John Stamos to David Copperfield, plus 50 Abraham Lincoln impersonators, 54 Elvis impersonators, 2 Disney characters and 3 Star Wars characters. Like, what?? AND they held hands for 15 minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES. I had trouble holding hands with people in church during the Lord’s Prayer and that lasts about 30 seconds. Do you even talk? What do you do after? Give a slight squeeze then call it a day? So many questions. Either way, the event raised $34 million for charity, and that’s all that matters right?

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Pop Culture Blind Spots: Yentl

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Rosie O’Donnell caterwauling ‘Papa Can You Hear Me’ every time she talked about Barbra Streisand – that’s what I knew about Yentl before this Pop Culture Blind Spots live blog. Considering I grew up loving both musicals and movies set in yesteryear when everyone had long hair and longer dresses, I’m not sure why or how I missed it. Maybe it wasn’t on TV too much in the 90s?

From the shtetl to your computer, come experience the bad haircuts, zany pillow fights, and newsboy hats of Yentl:

  • The setting is Eastern Europe, 1904. First of all, really vague setting. Second, if this was supposed to be part of my Eastern European cultural training my mother failed spectacularly.
  • A peddler calls out “story books for women, sacred books for men” which was like the Barbie/Hot Wheels Happy Meal toys of the shtetl.

 

  • Anyway Yentl (which sounds like a person saying “gentle” with a marked accent, which is very fun) tries to buy the Hot Wheels books. The peddler is like “bitch, I think you know what your place is, and I’m sure it’s gossiping about how old you are at a fish-stall in the marketplace.” Yentl lies and says the books are for her dad. And the peddler buys it, which is TOTAL FORESHADOWING for how all the men in this movie are dummies who believe whatever you tell them.
  • I’ve never seen so many Eastern European noses outside of a family reunion and I feel so alive and whole, accepted and embraced.
  • My favorite Disney princess as a child was Belle, because she liked books. And this is an entire musical about a girl who just wants to read the books she wants and I never saw it?!

    Little town, it’s a quiet shtetl…

  • But to be fair, the books she want to read are like the rules to God and stuff. Yawwwwn.
  • Started watching this via sketchy Youtube copy, and 5 minutes in I decided that the chances were high enough that I was going to like it that I’d rent it on Amazon. Also it was almost unbearably fuzzy.
  • Yentl burns some gross fish while reading. JEWISH PRINCESS BELLE, everyone!
  • Her Papa is Jewish Crazy Old Maurice.

  • Babs wraps herself in a tallit and sings. This may be part of how I missed this one: the tunes aren’t exactly *catchy* in the singable/hummable sense.
  • Papa asks if Yentl wants a husband who will darn her socks and bear her children, which, (A) where do I sign up, and (B), foreshadowing? Maybe? Guys, I don’t really know what this movie is about except that Barbra will sing Papa Can You Hear Me and dress as a man at some point.
  • Barbs has such beautiful, fluffy hair or such a beautiful, fluffy wig. I can’t believe Papa died, though.
  • PLOT. TWIST. She cuts the beautiful fluffy hair into a kicky pageboy. Swear I didn’t know that was going to happen.
  • I wasn’t alive in 1983, but major studios were releasing movies starring a 40-year-old ‘unattractive’ woman who is dressed as a man most of the time, so maybe it was a little better than 2016 in some ways.
  • Again, the main thing I know about Yentl is Papa Can You Hear Me. I know it because Rosie O’Donnell always sang it on her show. It turns out the only words I knew were “Papa, can you hear me/ try to understand me.” Those also might have been the only words Rosie O’Donnell knew.

  • Actually, didn’t Rosie have a button that played “Barbra Can You Hear Me” whenever she talked about her? (I watched a lot of The Rosie O’Donnell Show as a child. Had the koosh slingshot, the Kids Are Punny book, the whole 9.)
  • Not sure what accent Babs is doing in that song, but it’s not “Eastern European.” She’s just pronouncing every word slightly weird.
  • Barbra’s new haircut does not look good. Not even a little good. It’s kind of flobee-esque.

    I mean, Christ.

  • Yentl sails across a small creek (?) wearing the hat from the Funky Hat interstitial from 2007 Disney Channel.
  • Because nobody in 1904 Eastern Europe had seen a woman in pants and a hat before, they don’t realize that Yentl is CLEARLY a woman in pants and a hat.
  • If they saw a man in black and white stripes, they’d probably think he was a zebra or a Hamburglar.
  • Or a guy in camouflage: “Ira, I swear a piece of Outside is MOVING.”

    GET IT TOGETHER, Eastern Europe, 1904.

  • Maybe if Yentl wants people to believe that she’s “Anshel” she shouldn’t giggle when she says that her name is Anshel.
  • Yentl meets Mandy Patinkin (Avigdor)’s bubbe and within seconds she’s like “oh. Anshel. LOL OK.” So maybe only the men in this movie are stupid.
  • Avigdor’s banter with Yentl is very… sexual? … for two young men who are platonically sharing a bed.
  • You know in The Portrait Of Dorian Gray, where he has that portrait that ages for him? I think that’s what Mandy Patinkin’s facial hair does. Underneath it he looks mostly the same, the only difference the beard went from chestnut to gray.

 

  • Yentl’s thoughts sing This Is One Of Those Moments. The level of non-catchiness reminds me of when a Catholic priest is talk-singing and he tries to cram too many syllables into one line.
  • Yentl watches a lot of people talk with their hands. This is the school she wanted to go to really bad.
  • AMY IRVING IS IN THIS?! She’s the star of one of my favorite under-rated rom-coms, Crossing Delancey.

  • It’s sort of like a 1900s Jewish Strangers With Candy, where Barbra is very obviously in her 30s-40s (and female) but we just suspend disbelief.
  • Now Yentl’s thoughts are singing about her crush on Amy Irving (Hadass).
  • Yentl flirts with Avigdor in a meadow so maybe the crush was on him. Who knows.
  • There’s a skinny dipping scene and we almost see Mandy Patinkin’s Manhood Pa-tuchus (yep, just zoomed right past dad jokes and landed on a zayde joke)
  • The choreography is the same, so: mashup between this song where Babs is getting handsy in her nightgown and Mama Who Bore Me. OK?

  • Hadass’s Shitty Family calls off the Hadass/Avigdor Relationship and they want to set her up with Yentl now. This is more Three’s Company-style hijinks than I was expecting.
  • Amy Irving’s ruffled blouse and ren-faire hairdo are SUPER 1904-shtetl flirty. She’s making dinner for Yentl and it’s a total come-on. Like that’s just how you DID IT back then. It seems so easy. Just put on your ruffliest blouse and lean your boobs into a guy’s face while serving tea and you’d get a husband. (*Is that how you still do it and is that why I’m single, because I’ll try.)
  • Take one listen to Barbra screaming “nothing’s impossible!” at, like, F5 and tell me how anybody was supposed to think this was anything but a lady.
  • Now Yentl’s getting measured for her wedding suit which is bad because she’s female. In case you missed it, this is why lying doesn’t work. Although how sheltered is Hadass, because maybe Yentl can just kiss her in bed and be like “WELP THERE WE DID IT THAT’S THE WHOLE THING,” because that’s what I thought until I was 7 or 8.
  • If Anshel ISN’T a woman then Anshel is, like, an 11 year old boy and I don’t know why nobody in the village has vetted this.
  • Oh I love these wedding hijinks. Anshel is trying to get Hadass to say she doesn’t want to hook up. It’s like when you don’t want to go to a movie, but you don’t want to say it, so you’re just like “no, I mean if YOU don’t want to see it we won’t see it. I don’t care but if YOU want to do something different, we totally can. Up to you.”
  • Yentl and Hadass have a pillow fight. JUST SOME GALS AT A SLUMBER PARTY Y’ALL. Just gals bein’ pals.
  • Avigdor asks Yentl if Hadass “made sounds” and um is this how boys talk when we aren’t there? If a boy reads this please tell me.
  • Yentl’s thoughts sing about how she loves Avigdor, and Avigdor loves Hadass, and she’s married to Hadass but just for the pillow fights. Yentl. Look at your life. It’s a map full of dead ends, like one of those suburban gated communities. Your haircut is bad. You can read the talmud now but that’s, like, your only thing you’ve got going.
  • LOL forever at Hadass trying to seduce Yentl, an obvious 40-year-old woman. Instead, Yentl tucks her in then sings at a window.
  • I like how Yentl taught Hadass the talmud on the sly while they were fake married. I also like how Yentl finally figured out it’s time to get out of dodge.
  • The lyrics “she’s loving, she’s tender, she’s woman, so am I” probably weren’t meant to be funny? It kind of sounds like it would play over a crunchy 1970s school video about ‘becoming a woman.’
  • I want to see the scene before Yentl makes Avigdor take her to the city. “Pick me up in your cosiest two-person buggy and take me to the nearest metropolis so I can tell you a secret. Haha, no reason, just guy stuff.”
  • Yentl goes to America, which is probably the best solution after you’ve accidentally married a woman and fallen in love with a guy who thinks you’re a man. That’s the moment when, even in 1904, it’s time to cut your losses and move to Brooklyn. Now she’s got to grow out that haircut, though.
  • Yentl sings about finding her corner of the sky, but via a different song that’s way less catchy than Corner Of The Sky.

The Pros and Cons of BroadwayCon

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If you’re a true theatre nerd, you know that over the weekend, hundreds of Broadway geeks converged at the Hilton Midtown Hotel for the first ever BroadwayCon – which is exactly what it sounds like. Like other fan-centered conventions, this one gathers fans with actors, creators, and behind-the-scenes folk who make Broadway Broadway. Co-founded by Anthony Rapp, of Rent fame, BroadwayCon featured panels from past shows such as the Rent 20th anniversary reunion, current shows like Hamilton, Spring Awakening and Fun Home, to future shows like Waitress, Tuck Everlasting and Disaster! The Musical. There were photobooth and autograph sessions, fan meetups, master classes, dance workshops and of course, plenty of singing.

Before we go any further, I’d like to make it clear that I was not actually there. I am merely a spectator from the World Wide Web. I saw rumblings of #BroadwayCon on Twitter a while ago, and just thought it was some small event in NYC, but I was wrong. After tracking it online all weekend, I’ve come to this conclusion about BroadwayCon – it seems like a mix of pure ecstasy but also the worst nightmare all in one. A whole room full of theatre geeks!!!! But also, a whole room full of theatre geeks :\ Again, before the haters start to hate, I wasn’t there, so I obviously am not an expert on this, it’s all from what I’ve seen on social media. So in saying there, here are so of what I can tell were the pros and cons of the inaugural BroadwayCon.

Pro: The only convention with an opening number

I’ve never been to Comic-Con or any huge convention except for the ATX TV Festival, which is more of a medium sized gathering of TV fans than an exhibition hall filled with thousands of people. But none of these cons have a song and dance opening number. So was I surprised to see that BroadwayCon opened with this? No. My reaction was OF COURSE. I mean, is there any other way to kick off a weekend of Broadway than this?

Con: #TryingTooHard

https://www.tumblr.com/lafayettes-guns/137815016515/oh-god-the-description-of-the-hamilton-meetup-at

We get it, all of us are Hamilton fans, you don’t have to flaunt the “secret language” around.

Pro: The Room Where It Happens

Like any other HamiltonHead (is there even an official name for Hamilton fans? I’m sure there is. Kids under 21, get at me), this panel with most of the main cast was the most anticipated one at the con. Here are some highlights during the panel:

If you could change roles with anybody in the show, who would it be?

Daveed: Angelica
Lin: Lafayette
Renee: Aaron Burr
Philippa: Hercules Mulligan
Chris: Jonathan Groff, he’s onstage for five minutes!
Groffsauce: Angelica
Oak: Angelica
Leslie: Eliza
Lin: I think we have our next Ham4Ham.

How Leslie was approached to join the show:

“I got an email from Lin about two-and-a-half years ago, I guess. The subject was ‘Octoburrfest,’ a delicious pun.”

Lin is a rap teacher who gives pop quizzes daily

“At 15 minutes to curtain, Miranda can be seen trotting his iPod from dressing room to dressing room with his speakers blaring a beat challenging his castmates to cypher at his request.”

Freestyle Love Surpreme

During the panel, the moderator asked if anyone besides Lin, Chris Jackson and Daveed had ever rapped before, but the closed-captioning typist accidentally transcribed “have you ever raped before”. It was quickly changed, but Lin managed to incorporate it in his impromptu freestyle:

Werk

The panel ended with a singalong of The Schuyler Sisters, with the cast happily watching the fans from the stage. It was their rock star moment.

Pro: Your obscure Broadway cosplay will be appreciated

Theater nerds, especially actors, will take up any chance for dressing up and what better place to show off your Fun Home costume that you wore for Halloween that no one got than BroadwayCon? The cosplay at BroadwayCon obviously appeals to a v niche group of fans, which is kind of why I love it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BA3DITrpBRJ

https://www.instagram.com/p/BA8k3yGrmXw

Pro: And It’s Beginning ToAnd It’s Beginning ToAnd It’s Beginning to Snow

It’s been 20 years since Rent had its debut, and Anthony Rapp gathered as many friends from the OBC and creative team as he could for the “10,514,880 Minutes: How Do You Measure 20 Years of Rent?” panel, including Daphne Rubin Vega (Mimi), Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Angel) and Fredi  Walker-Browne (Joanne). I watched the first bit of this live on Periscope and teared up a bit just thinking about how much of an impact the show has made on me, but all the other RentHeads and the cast and crew themselves. One emotional moment was when Daphne FaceTimed with Jesse L. Martin (Collins) and there was even a mini reunion between him and Wilson :emoji with heart eyes:

Con: The Wrath of Jonas

As you may have heard, or seen out your window, Winter Storm Jonas hit the East Coast hard over the weekend, with all the Broadway shows even canceling their Saturday performances. This led to the actors/guests scheduled to appear at BroadwayCon to also cancel their appearances, which I imagine is a bummer for those looking forward to attending the Hamilton dance workshop or the conversation with Fiddler’s Sheldon Harnick.

Pro: #BlizzardCon

On Saturday, everyone at the con was pretty much snowed in, so it turned into #BlizzardCon. It ended up being a huge blizzard party in the mainstage, complete with random phone calls with Broadway icons. Among the folks who called in but not limited to:

Literally a picture of Patti LuPone in the comfort of her (surprisingly rustic?) palace, while she talks to the hundreds of peasants at BroadwayCon:

https://twitter.com/JoshLJohnston/status/691076975151153152

Pro: Broadway Stars Singing Rando Songs

Unlike a ComicCon where actors show up and screen clips or previews of their upcoming films or TV shows, Broadway stars can actually perform and entertain in front of you. Live! There was a fair share of concerts throughout the weekend, including a “Jukebox” in which fans could vote on which songs the stars could sing, and there was also this mad lib situation in which you get to hear Anthony Rapp sing *a slightly different version* of What You Own.

Con: Fans Singing Rando Songs

Ok, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a good singalong. I think it would be especially fun if it was from a Broadway show, something like this:

But then there’s the contingent of people, I imagine at BroadwayCon, who are getting up to sing as if it’s an audition. One of the things i dread at events like these are A) stupid comments/questions from the audience and general second hand embarrassment. If I was at this fan karaoke event, I would be anxious every time someone got on the stage, hoping they’d be good, on key and not hamming it up too much. Too stressful. This girl sounds pretty good though!

https://twitter.com/klo143/status/691057581998133250

Con: Like Sutton Foster, BroadwayCon is Younger

Based on what I’ve seen, in looks like the demographic for BroadwayCon are teens in high school and musical theatre majors in college. These are the folks who are excited about seeing the people they’ve been listening to on repeat, seen from the rear mezz, met briefly at the Broadway Flea Market and made fan art for on Tumblr. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this, because I was like this as a teen, but as an almost 30 year old, I just can’t. The idea of being around that much energy 24/7 seems exhausting, and I’d just feel out of place. Recapping on my blog from the comfort of my bed 3,000 miles away is just fine by me.

Pro: There’s A Place For Us

In saying that, I think that BroadwayCon itself has been an event a long time coming. I always thought that being a theatre kid meant not being popular or not in the zeitgeist. I certainly didn’t feel like a cool kid at the theatre table during lunch in high school. But when I found out Comic Con was a huge thing for comic book nerds, I saw a whole bunch of different people gather for something I wasn’t particularly interested in, but acknowledged that something portrayed as geeky kind of seemed cool. Now, seeing photos and videos of #BroadwayCon make me think it’s so crazy that people are just as (probably much more) insane about Broadway than I am. These are the nerds who I sat with in the cafeteria. And those teens and MTs need something like this event, where you can connect, learn, and grow a deeper passion for Broadway and the arts in general. So keep up the great work, I can’t wait til next year – I’ll be here trolling the Internet like an old lady.

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What I Think Happens In The 2016 Best Picture Nominees (I Haven’t Seen Them)

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With a little over a month to go until the 2016 Academy Awards, I haven’t seen a single Best Picture nominee.  I’m not too worried about seeing all of the nominees, though, because four of them will be released on DVD before Oscar night. Still, I thought it would be fun to take inventory of what I think these movies are supposed to be about before I’ve seen them.

By now we know that all of the 2016 Best Picture nominees are about white people, but what kind of white people? What are the white people doing? What are the white people’s goals, dreams, and obstacles? I don’t know, maybe this stuff:

The Big Short

Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, and Steve Carrell star as white men who – in the grand tradition of white men – were put in charge of important things, causing the sub-prime housing crisis that precipitated the Great Recession. It was 2007, the economy was going down the crapper, and skinny jeans were just starting to become REALLY popular so we were all a bit under-confident about what sort of pants we should be wearing and how long our shirts had to be.

There are a lot of heated phone conversations using old cell phone models that you’ll recognize from when you were in college. Maybe one of these guys – money’s on Carrell, but just kidding, I don’t have money because the economy collapsed – tries to do the right thing and thwart the Great Bubble Bursting of ’08. All of the characters are the intelligent-yet-hopelessly-flawed wealthy types that Academy voters LOVE. Finally, a human face on the credit default swap market.

There’s also a Regular Working Man, maybe a non-white person who serves coffee near their workplace, or a down-on-his-luck cousin who is a mechanic in New Jersey, who symbolizes the real people who were affected. He loses his house and Ryan Gosling thinks LONG AND HARD, oh yes he does.

I can’t picture what Brad Pitt does, sorry.

Bridge Of Spies

It’s the Cold War, and it’s New York City, and everything is filmed in dark, almost sepia tones. A Russian spy gets arrested and it’s up to a down-to-business, gruff yet noble American lawyer to get him out of trouble. The lawyer is Tom Hanks, playing someone more or less Tom Hanks-y. But the whole country is in a Red Panic and doing nuclear bomb drills under their school desks and blacklisting Lucille Ball or whatever, like they are WORKED. THE HELL. UP. about it, so NO, gruff NYC lawyer, they do NOT want to free your Russian spy.

Anyway they want to straight-up Rosenberg him, but then something happens and Tom Hanks has to go to Russia, where more than 25% of the characters are wearing those big fur hats. People wearing shades of brown intercept coded messages on radios left and right. Finally, there’s a big standoff on a bridge in Russia with Tom Hanks, the Russian spy, an American official who doesn’t trust Tom Hanks, a scrappy young pilot, and some Russians or Germans. But who is the real spy? Is he on the bridge? The bridge … of spies? (Yes).

Brooklyn

I’m 1/3 of the way through Colm Toibin’s book, but who cares, here goes. Eilis Lacey (Saoirse Ronan) is a young Irish girl who goes to Brooklyn by herself to get a job and gets homesick. But her homesickness is abated as HELL because she meets the hot Italian. This was in 1950 or so when Irish people and Italian people were pretty much different races. Eilis has to learn how to do cool new cultural things like eat food with garlic in it and argue about feelings instead of swallow them under a glut of boiled potatoes.

When Eilis’s mother falls sick, she is called back home … but WHERE IS HOME? Suddenly the town Eilis grew up in feels foreign, sort of like when you get back home from your semester abroad. And just like when you get back from your semester abroad, nobody really gives a shit that Eilis’s whole worldview has changed, and they only have a kind of middling interest in her stories. Ultimately, Eilis must decide whether to return to America to continue building her new life or stay in Ireland. She gets a tender, sentimental letter from the hot Italian and it makes her realize where her heart really lies.

Mad Max: Fury Road

Okay. So. First of all, this is a stand-alone movie, not a sequel to something from 2010 like I keep thinking it is. Well, everyone is in the desert after a major war that wasn’t 100% apocalyptic or anything but was pretty bad. It’s the future, but not so far in the future that people are named things like Glorg. Besides, thanks to the really bad war there’s not a lot of awesome technology or anything. Everyone looks sort of District 12-ish, if you will. They all have dirt smudges and torn clothing, like the Tina Majorino character in Waterworld. There are no superheroes (another thing I keep thinking), but there are humans.

Charlize Theron and Tom Hardy have to escape from someone, so most of the time they’re driving really fast to get away and throwing things at other vehicles, too. Lots of explosions. They pick up some other escapees on the way (after arguing about whether they have enough resources or if the people are secretly bad guys), so it’s like a roadtrip film-meets-action film-meets-dystopian desert film. Think Chris Val Allsberg’s Just A Dream + Hunger Games + The Giver + The Fast And The Furious + Syriana.

The Martian

In this movie, which is not a comedy but maybe you’ll chuckle a few times, it turns out Mars is way more habitable than we thought. You can’t hang out in street clothes or anything, but you could take a spaceship there for sure. Matt Damon is one of those spaceship guys, but he gets Kevin McAllister-ed for some reason and he’s on Mars by himself. He has to get to earth really fast but he’ll have to MacGuyver his spaceship in order to do it. Most of his interactions occur over radio to NASA HQ. Matt Damon has a sweet, teasing relationship with one of the scientists there (Kristen Wiig maybe, but probably someone younger because she’s only 3 years younger than him). During a harrowing moment they confess their love to each other.

In the meantime, Matt Damon has to turn Mars into a home. All of the other scientists must risk their careers and their lives to save him, but he’s Matt Damon, America’s Golden Child, so they do. There is a touching moment with an international (maybe Russian) astronaut and another touching moment viewing Earth from afar. It will make you feel small because the universe is so big; but it will also make you feel big because you matter to the universe. For this one, think Interstellar + My Side Of The Mountain + Castaway.

The Revenant

I heard one side of a phone conversation about this on the bus, so I’ve got this in the bag. Leonardo DiCaprio plays a man from the 1800s who really existed. He gets left for dead in the wilderness but was ALIVE. Then he has to live through so many shitty things that you almost wish he had just died. He gets attacked by a bear but not raped by a bear; no, Drudge Report, no siree he does not.

There are a lot of men wearing animal furs. Lots of giant fuzzy hats, even more than Bridge of Spies. Everyone’s on mountains being rugged. There are gross things Leo has to do to survive, like eating things that aren’t food, probably. It’s got to be way too cold to undress so he probably just pees himself the whole time. They may not show that, but just realize that it’s happening when you’re watching.

Room

Brie Larson, who is not Alison Brie, is locked in a room a la the Josef Fritzl victim or Elizabeth Smart or those girls in Cleveland. She has a son, for whom she creates a stable and comfortable life. When they escape, he has trouble integrating into society – but so does she. People are insensitive and do things like assume she’s turned all Stockholm Syndrome-y or ask why she didn’t get out sooner. At some point she sees an inaccurate tabloid report and that’s pretty upsetting. Her childhood bedroom is a shrine to her former self. One of her parents died, or her parents got divorced, but either way life is totally different. At some point she stares hollow-eyed as her former friends have a giddy, happy gathering. Will she ever make it out of ‘the room’? Yes, because of the triumph of the human spirit.

Spotlight

In Boston, a news reporter is an Irish Catholic guy who went through parochial school and is from Southie and always has a niece’s First Communion or whatever to go to. When he’s assigned to investigate priest abuse, he feels like he can’t do it – but also like he has to do it. After hitting numerous roadblocks, this guy – along with some other reporters – meets a victim who’s willing to talk. The story grows and grows, and the team realizes they’re not dealing with a few bad priests but an elaborate coverup. Eventually they get a sit-down with a high-ranking official who knew about it and he seems repentant but also has that annoying “what can you do” attitude. I’m going to cry though up to 80% of it.

Winter Memes Make Me Feel Fine: #WinterStormJonas

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Bad news East Coast/Mid-Atlantic: Your first real hit of winter is coming, or already here, depending on where you are. Hardest hit areas are expected to reach 2 feet of snow, while some areas might even get the dreaded ice storm. God bless.

Good news for the rest of the world: Said storm has been dubbed “Winter Storm Jonas”, which obviously sent the Internet on a tailspin. If this storm had been named Jonas pre-2005, we would’ve been going on MySpace making Weezer references. But we live in a world where Nick, Joe and Kevin (and bonus Jonas) exist and in a matter of minutes, memes appear on the world wide web comparing the coming blizzard to the sibling trio. It’s times like these that I really appreciate the golden age of the Internet. God bless.

Even Joe got in on the joke

And then, the Jonai on the map memes came (with some excellent hairstyles)

And then some edits with lyrics
https://www.tumblr.com/hearloveinthesilence/137648227843/sounds-like-we-need-an-sos

https://www.tumblr.com/katastrope/137729151285/slippin-into-the-lava

And more fun with photoshop

https://twitter.com/lucypmink/status/689925781305303040

https://twitter.com/JonasConcerts/status/689843485441159168

Then folks who are hoping this storm means the return of the JoBros (and a dad joke for good measure)

https://twitter.com/_BrittBritttt/status/689557998084161537

And finally, when we all recognize who the only JoBro we want storming in on us is…

https://twitter.com/MixPhiladelphia/status/689793476796411905

In summary:

Winter Storm Jonas: Unbearable at first:

Then the winds die down, you’re warm in your snuggie and you realize it’s not that bad:

Finally, the blizzard breaks apart and we all basque in that after storm glow when the city looks as dreamy as ever.

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High School Musical: 10th Anniversary Rewatch

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On January 20th 2006, High School Musical was released to the delight of millions of tweens and also some 19-year olds (us, at the time). It’s hard to believe that it’s been 10 years, but we’re all in this together. A whole decade has passed since back when there was me and you, watching a musical Disney Channel Original Movie that we were far too old for. I didn’t see HSM until several months after it came out because I was studying abroad that semester, but when I came home and spent the summer working with elementary school kids who wouldn’t stop talking about it, I realized that Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and the gang were just what I’ve been looking for. (By the way: those elementary school kids I was old enough to be in charge of must be in their late teens to early 20s now; yikes; ouch).

This post is not the start of something new. Rather than breaking free from our typical format, we have chosen to stick to the status quo. Here’s a live blog of my tenth-anniversary rewatch of High School Musical, so queue it up on Netflix and getch’a head in the game, because we’re about to bop to the top.

1:00 Character establishment: Gabriella is a goody-goody because her mother has to draw her away from her book to attend a Teen Party, which is one of those alcohol-free, drug-free highly-supervised youth events that youths don’t really go to.

WHOLESOME AF.

Troy is playing basketball and has proto-Bieber hair. This is all you need to know about either of them for the rest of the movie.

Also, it’s New Year’s Eve. They’re at a winter version of the resort from Dirty Dancing.

02:35 Am I am old lady who misses her glory days of 2006, or do Troy and Gabriella’s outfits look (dated but) cute? Troy’s panicked face as he sings karaoke looks like when that girl (Bethany Byrd?) starts singing along to Jingle Bell Rock after the music cuts out in Mean Girls.

07:30 Troy and Gabs exchange numbers on phones the size of Pop Tarts.

10:27 Do kids even still get in trouble for having cell phones in class? When we were in high school they were strictly verboten, and when someone’s would go off in class everyone would start coughing and shuffling stuff loudly so they could turn it off, which in retrospect was a really touching show of solidarity.

By the way, Gabriella transferred. To TROY’S SCHOOL IN ALBUQUERQUE.

I have thought that 2 or 3 different extras were Kristen Bell but it’s just that everyone in 2006 looked like Veronica Mars.

10:50 You can tell the drama teacher’s a drama teacher because she’s wearing a flowy printed top and chunky jewelry.

 

12:30 Troy Bolton’s Hair, 2006 = Early Louis Tomlinson Hair + Early Liam Payne Hair, 2010. That ‘do had staying power, for better or worse.

Little Babies XOXOXO

 

14:42 Get’cha Head In The Game: I love basketball when there’s pretty, overly-groomed young men singing pop music to me during it.

I forgot that it was styled “get’cha” until I looked it up.

18:15 Sharpay’s outfits are like a teenaged Mindy Lahiri, had she been a teen in ’06.

 

tmp

19:13 I used to think flared jeans were so flattering, but based on the East High extras, they were NOT.

20:20 So much hair gel on this b-ball team.

23:31 Did you all know Monique Coleman (Taylor) was 25 when this came out?

25:00 Drink whenever Ms. Darbus says “musicale”

27:50 Do we ever get an explanation why that one girl auditioning has clusters of fake freckles painted onto her cheeks? Frustrated Annie reject?

Most of my goodwill toward 2006 fashion is gone now. SO many awkward-length skirts cutting people off at the wrong spot.

30:00 Oh, the awful pop-punk outfit on the girl doing interpretive dance during the audition.

32:00 I can’t remember the last time I saw HSM, but it must have been ages because I forgot about Ryan Evans , beacon of light, best thing in this movie, he of the lime-green bedazzled newsboy cap, teen version of Derek from Full House, most plausible theatre kid in all of East High.

I SHIP IT.

37:00 OK but did Troy start ALL of his songs making a face like Bethany from Mean Girls?

Kelsi is very Early Ellen Page meets season 1 Rory Gilmore.

39:00 Now that I’m a sophisticated 29-year-old adult instead of a scrappy, wide-eyed 19-year old, it’s all about the Ryan-Sharpay friendship. Troy & Gabriella are kid stuff.

Do you think there was a whole room in wardrobe just for all these damn newsboy caps?

“They’re going to do it!” I said, out loud, to myself, as a grown woman, in the house that I bought, because they’re about to sing Stick To The Status Quo.

Wasn’t there an interstitial or something going behind the scenes of Stick To The Status Quo on Disney Channel back then? Or a pop up video kind of thing? Maybe it was of the whole movie?

The “skater” clique looks especially mid-2000s.

Stick To The Status Quo is a musical version of the show Made that aired on MTV during this era.

48:00 Troy tells Gabriella that his parents’ friends are always saying “your son’s the basketball guy. You must be so proud,” which seems like a weird thing to say, but what do I know?

39:00 I don’t remember doing things outside of your clique being such a big deal in high school. We’d get annoyed if a non-theatre kid randomly auditioned and landed a good role, but that was just because we felt like they hadn’t ~earned it or whatever.

54:00 It’s gotten to where when I look at Troy Bolton (OK, Baby Zac Efron) ALL I can see is Baby One Direction.

1:00:00 Chad is guilt-tripping Troy worse than an Irish-Catholic mother (or a Jewish mother, both are great at guilt). I assume Chad-Troy ships are a thing on parts of the internet?

1:03 Honestly, Gab, there never really WAS a you and Troy, was there?

1:10 Obviously not all houses in New Mexico are made of adobe with Spanish tile roofs or whatever, but Gabriella’s house looks super northeast-y.

1:11 It’s kind of like every time he begins singing, Troy THOUGHT he was going to be talking instead but it came out as song.

1:13 Hat watch: Now Prince Ryan has a flat cap and Kelsi has a bucket hat and Sharpay has a gilded tam o’shanter. This was the beginning of the era of Disney programming being all wacky patterns and colors in the wardrobe and set design. Even in the Lizzie McGuire/Even Stevens age, things were a little more toned-down.

All of these shows aired when I was well past childhood, yes.

Definitely forgot Ryan and Sharpay were siblings.

1:18 Adults Against Troy And Troy’s Dad’s Weird Over-Enmeshed Relationship. Meeting tonight and every night on Netflix.

1:25 Another thing I forgot: this would more accurately be called High School Musical Auditions And Scheduling Conflicts.

1:26 Jeez Louise. Hat watch: Kelsi has a bowler hat now. If this movie went on much longer they’d have her in one of those Dr. Seuss hats or a beanie with a propeller.

If you were maybe the kind of person who felt they were too old for High School Musical in 2006, I can’t overstate what a game-changer it was for the Disney Channel. You can stop laughing, I’ll wait. The mid-2000s Disney Industrial Complex was HUGE and when you look at the people who came out of it – Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, but also Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, the JONAS FREAKING BROTHERS – you realize they had some real geniuses working in development. The turnaround definitely started in the early 2000s with Hilary Duff, Ravyn-Symone and co. and just kept shooting upwards. After the early 90s Mickey Mouse Club era, it was pretty blah for a long stretch. Yes, I just sang the praises of mid-2000s Disney and I could keep going.

1:30 I was never that into Breaking Free though? But it was probably the biggest hit from HSM.

1:32 Love when musicals end with a dance jam, like the pep rally/ basketball game-turned singalong, We’re All In This Together.

Chicago Law and Beyond

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NBC executives hinted last week that they’re toying with adding another series to their Chicago franchise, with Chicago Law. It started with Chicago Fire, then Chicago P.D. and the newest one, Chicago Med. In full disclosure, I actually watch these shows. Well, I started Chicago Fire because Taylor Kinney (and it must’ve been a non-exciting season for new shows?) I don’t watch P.D., but I do watch Med because I’m a sucker for medical dramas. That being said, will I watch Chicago Law if it ever happens? Probably. Why? Because Dick Wolf and company know how to make addicting television. I told myself I’d check out the first three eps of Chicago Fire and here we are four seasons later and it’s still on my lineup.

But when will Dick’s CSI-ness ever stop? Will it, even? I’ve got a few suggestions if they want to expand their slate, and will probably make them millions more than what they already have.

Chicago OB/GYN

The show follows doctors at an all female practice called Ravenswood OB/GYN, where they deal with the ups and downs of helping to bring babies into the world but also having to deliver troubling news to some expectant mothers. Plus there’s inter-office romance and an Ally McBeal-type law firm in the floor below them. If Shay from Chicago Fire were still alive (Spoiler alert?), she would be dating a gal from Ravenswood. It’s like Private Practice, but less Taye Diggs and more Amber Tamblyn.

Chicago Bar Association

No, this show isn’t like the proposed Chicago Law. It’s about the bar owners, employees and frequent customers in Printer’s Row. The group of bars in the area have formed a sort of alliance, since it feels like it’s them against the hundreds of college kids that swarm their bars every weekend starting with Thirsty Thursdays. The unofficial leader of the alliance, Jim Rutnitzki, is a baby boomer that has a big secret he doesn’t have the guts to tell his friends and family.

Chicago Starbucks

So maybe Dick Wolf wouldn’t be able to get the rights to use Starbucks in his show, but just imagine it’s Starbucks but it’s called Bartucks and a new location has just been opened up in the fairly hipster area of Wicker Park. Bartucks employees are face with the challenge of gaining loyalty among the frequent customers who go to local small cafes instead of the corporate greed monster they call Starbucks Bartucks.

ChicagOprah

Ah, the golden days of Oprah headquartered in Chicago. ChicagOprah would follow a fictional Oprah as she builds her empire in the Windy City, while still trying to please everyone (see: season 1 cliffhanger – will the audience actually win cars or is it a fake out?

Chicago L Word

Unlike The L Word, Chicago L Word refers to the subways system in the city, where Subway (L) drivers have to deal with both unruly and over enthusiastic riders every single day. A group of L train drivers gather after work in a secret underground bar which was an abandoned L stop, and talk about their gripes about rider and their personal lives.

Chicago Strippers

This is Izabella Miko, who actually played a stripper on Chicago Fire, but she was also in Coyote Ugly, if this pose looks familiar. Chicago Strippers is a spin-off featuring Izabella’s character, and the sketchy guys she encounters, including some with strong mafia ties.

Chicago Improv

Featuring the new students at the famous Second City improv school, the show will follow them as they attempt to become the next Steve Carell or Tina Fey. Surprisingly v dramatic with a lot of tears, and not just the fake kind on stage.

Cell Block Tango

A closer look at the Chicago penitentiary system and the prisoners who spend their lives behind bars. Like Orange is the New Black, but more dancing and singing.

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Scary Things About Making A Murderer Other Than The Murder

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If you have a Netflix account and a social media presence, chances are you’ve watched Making A Murderer, you’ve discussed Making A Murderer … and you’ve been terrified by Making A Murderer. Obviously the scariest thing in the series (and also one of the least-discussed, somehow) is THE ACTUAL, TERRIBLE MURDER OF 25-YEAR OLD TERESA HALBACH. Caps lock totally necessary because it was awful. But the horror doesn’t end there – we were duly frightened by the following:

Winter in Wisconsin

I live in one of the snowiest cities in America (100 inches/average). We get 12 inches of lake effect snow and school isn’t even cancelled the next day. The average high temperature last February was 12 degrees Fahrenheit. And I am a total wimp compared to the hardy Wisconsinites in this series. Didn’t it feel like every exterior shot, no matter what time it took place, was crammed with piles of snow everywhere? But nobody complained or even looked cold? Manitowoc County is like the North Pole except that it’s a workshop for unspeakable violence and judicial corruption instead of toys.

Scare Scale: A White-Knuckle Drive On An Icy Expressway – 2/10

The Land That Time Forgot

Based on the hair and wardrobe of the various townspeople, you’d be forgiven for thinking that Making A Murderer was filmed in 1986 or 1998, but it was actually well into the 2000s. I know plenty of small-town residents, rural folks, and Midwesterners who look completely normal, so the frozen-in-time aesthetic really added to the feeling that there was something just off about every single one of these people.

Scare Scale: The moment when Rip Van Winkle awakes – 3/10

The Straight-From-Deliverance Interior Design

Even if I didn’t know that a person may have been raped and murdered in Steven Avery’s home, I’d consider it a house of horrors. The whole Avery slum is like a reverse Kennedy compound (only similarity: some possible murder cover-ups). I grew up in an inner city neighborhood and I can safely say that a WHOLE lot of poor people manage not to decorate like the subjects of Making A Murderer.

Scare Scale: Walking Into Your Home Post-Trading Spaces c. 2003 And Finding That One Of The BAD Designers Did It- 4/10

Two Nice Lesbians In Possible Peril

The filmmakers behind Making A Murderer, Laura Ricciardi and Moira Demos, were a very young, chill lesbian couple from Columbia University when this project began. Although there are tons of intelligent, free-thinking people in the rural northern Midwest, the particular crowd that was featured in this documentary seemed… um… not that way. Not to mention, Ricciardi and Demos probably didn’t exactly blend into the Land That Time Forgot. They never mentioned being made to feel at all uncomfortable, but I still found myself wanting to call in a welfare check when I realized they were alone with some of those people (ahem… Steven’s terrifying mother).

Scare Scale: That Time When TLC Showed Michelle Duggar’s Lesbian Sister & I Imagined The First Time She Met Jim-Bob – 5/10

Unappealing Day-Drinking

In one of the early episodes, townspeople were interviewed at a local bar. It looked like everyone in the county was there downing domestic draft beer and shooting pool – and then we realized it was the middle of the afternoon. Maybe there was a game on or something? There’s nothing exactly WRONG with going to the bar in the daytime, but it looked distinctly like that’s what some people were doing all day, every day.

Scare Scale: Realizing That You Get Hungover After Two Drinks Now That You’re Old – 3/10

Small rural towns in general

Maybe it’s because I grew up in a suburb of the third most populated city in New York, or have an attraction to big cities (typing this to you from LA), but areas with nothing around except 200 people who know your shit scares me. Unless it’s Stars Hollow. But IRL, I couldn’t handle it. I’ve taken a cross country road trip which included driving through pretty much all of Texas and Oklahoma, and it was those states that I feared the most (for other reasons too we can get into later). It’s just all land, nothing around. What if you need medical attention ASAP? Where’s the nearest hospital? Is it even a good one (DR. DEREK SHEPARD)?? If someone kills you, will anyone be able to hear your screams? If you sleep with the local diner owner who’s been pining for you for years and you accidentally go down to the open diner sans pants and clearly sexed from the night before, will the gossip ever stop about your relationship? Nope. Not for me.

Scare Scale: Getting Hit By A Deer On The Way To An Exam At Chilton – 7/10

Going commando

In the 1985 rape case, Penny Beernsten said her assailant was wearing white underwear during the attack. However, Steven Avery’s post-conviction lawyer argued that Steven doesn’t own any underwear – white or otherwise. So like, never? It’s so cold in Wisconsin! Although he spends most of his time indoors, I’m assuming.

Scare Scale: Realizing that your underwear lines were visible all day – 6/10

Casual front yard fire pits

even the dog thinks this is ridiculous

Listen, I love a good bonfire but I don’t call my friends over to casually burn an old cabinet and a van seat in the afternoon. I especially didn’t do that when I was 16. I mean, how even are you supposed to make s’mores? But on the real, if you had a neighbor that was burning furniture in his front yard in the middle of the day, you’d think something was up right? I guess this wouldn’t be weird in rural Wisconsin, so ok, maybe if you’re in a populated suburb or a big city – THIS WOULD BE SCARY.

Scare Scale: A Manitowoc-Sized Hole In The Ozone Layer – 6/10

The fact this rap exists

“Kid’s just innocent / was only 16, tryna set him free / He’s not guilty, there’s no way in hell / Corruption made him fall, lose it all .”

Naturally, Brendan’s half-brother made a rap about his innocence.

Scare Scale: White Rappers – 7/10

Literally framed

https://twitter.com/alimac326/status/681169412557254656

Police sketch artist/Chief Deputy Sheriff Gene Kusche walked into quite a first day on the job when he took on the case in 1985. He was basically (allegedly) told to draw a sketch of Steven Avery based on a mug shot they had of him from the time he did the thing to the cat. Kusche denied he was told what to draw, despite DNA proving Steven didn’t do it. Anyways, he framed the sketch and hung it up alongside Steve’s actual mug shot. In his words, “I’m just… the pencil. I’m just the pencil.”

Scare Scale: When You’re Walking Past A Mirror And You Don’t Recognize Yourself At First – 8/10

The “International Recording Artist” wasn’t that at all

Not only was he not international, he was also not recording or an artist- he’s a small town guitarist that one time played a NASCAR event and opened for a few country acts – they’ve never played outside the U.S., per TMZ.

Scare Scale: Those Creepy Children Who Performed At The Trump Rally – 6/10

Ken Kratz revealed

The man had both a drug AND sex addiction and has only been sober for five years. Meaning he had this problem during the Avery case??

Scare Scale: When You Get Home And A Door Is Open That Shouldn’t Be And You Don’t Know Whether It’s Better If It Was A Burglar Or A Ghost: 8/10

Everyone’s A Lawyer

I don’t consider myself a legal expert, and I graduated magna cum laude from law school, passed the bar on the first try, and have been working in the legal profession for 4 years. But you know who DO consider themselves legal experts? A whole bunch of people who watched this show and armchair-lawyered it on the internet.  I want people to take interest in the justice system, ask questions, and form opinions, but a binge watch isn’t a doctoral degree. If it was I’d be a certified meth-chemist by now.

The only annoying things, actually, were people not understanding that some of the procedural stuff was totally normal and not a big deal, and believing that all necessary information was presented in this series.

Scare Scale: The morning before Day 2 of the New York bar exam, 4/10

Everyone’s Also A Predator?

Okay, not everyone, but way more people than I’m comfortable with (for the record, my comfort level would be 0. Zero people). First there’s Gregory Allen, the person who actually raped Penny Beernsten. Then there’s the person or people who killed Teresa Halbach, whoever that may be. Sit tight, there’s more. Charles Avery, Steven’s brother: charged with sexual assault; domestic violence. Earl Avery, Steven’s other brother: also charged with sexual assault (of his daughters). Scott Tadych, boyfriend of Barb Janda (Steven’s sister/ Brendan’s mom): stalking, domestic violence. Steven Avery: domestic violence. We’re all very fired up about problems in the criminal justice system now, as well we should be, but why isn’t this causing more outrage too?

Scare Scale: A Holiday Weekend-Long Law And Order: SVU Marathon, 9/10

Uncertainty in the justice system

I think most viewers can agree that the outrage of the show lies within the fact there just wasn’t enough evidence to prove neither Brendan or Steven Avery guilty. We are promised fair trials in cases like these, but something just wan’t right with this one. Too many sketchy bits add up to one questionable justice system in Wisconsin. That being said, what’s perhaps the scariest of all is that anyone could arrested (no matter the location), and despite all signs pointing to your innocence, end up behind bars for the rest of your life.

Scare Scale: I just found a dead body in my attic 10/10
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Things I’m Willing To Believe About Lin-Manuel Miranda

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On January 11th, one of America’s founding fathers, Alexander Hamilton, celebrated what would’ve been his 259th or 261st birthday – no one actually knows the exact year of his birth. On January 16th, Lin-Manuel Miranda, the Puerto Rican-American writer/composer/lyricist/actor/rapper/gaming enthusiast/dad/husband all-around “genius” will be celebrating his 36th birthday – we’re relying on Wikipedia for this fact. And today, we celebrate Lin’s life a day early, honoring a man who is leading his own revolution in New York as the creator and star of Hamilton.

Since Hamilton debuted at The Public Theater in New York last February, the show has earned rave review after rave review, and garnered a huge fanbase that includes theatre nerds to hip-hop stars to the young and the old to the AOL users to the #HamiltonTrash on Tumblr. The show that started in Lin’s brain has affected not only the entire nation, but the world as a whole, with people from every corner of the globe sharing a mutual love for AL-EX-AN-D-ER (we are, meant to be), a founding father that most of us know only from the $10 bill and how he got shot by that dude that one time. Lin has made an American icon into a current American pop star of sorts, and it’s thanks to his brilliant music, lyrics, and overall vision for the show.

Lin has described Hamilton in many interviews as a “story about America then, told by America now,” and this alone cements him not only in theatre history, but history as a whole. His passion to tell a centuries-old story for contemporary audiences is a daring Hamilton-esque feat in itself, but through his talent, he’s managed to do it and managed to do it with great success. Lin is the ultimate multi-hyphenate that has changed many lives through his work, but there’s more to him than just ‘The guy from Hamilton’. And just as Lin had to dig deep into the Hamilton archives to create a historical musical about a real-life man, new Lin fans eager to learn about his background and persona will have to do their fair share of research to become a certified #HamiltonTrash member. Do some research and read his Wikipedia page – because the following fictional facts we’re willing to believe about Lin-Manuel Miranda couldn’t be more made up.

  • The first album he bought with his own money was Tupac’s 2Pacalypse Now in 1991.
  • Attempted to recreate Busta Rhymes’ Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See music video with neon paint and leopard print sheets hanging from the hallway walls.
  • Dressed up as one of the Punk Frogs from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for Halloween one year

  • At least once every couple weeks he wakes up with a start in the middle of the night. By now, his wife just mutters “yes, you remembered to say goodnight to Twitter” and tells him to go back to sleep.

  • Very aware Jonathan Groff would be his type if he were gay

To be fair: He’s pretty much EVERYONE’S type if they are ANYTHING.

  • His teachers would always scold him for having his headphones on and listening to his cassette tapes/CDs before class started
  • You may know about Hamilton’s bowling team, HamilPins. But did you know that Lin-Manuel Miranda founded In The Heights’ intramural bowling league (No Me Liga) AND speed-dating night (Alza La Soltera)?
  • Was the runner-up for Most Likely To Succeed, and the winner of Most Earnest, in his senior yearbook.
  • Will be the Dad who knows about the trendy new social media before his kids, and will embarrass them because he’s better at it than they are.
  • Early uncredited gig: writing a “punched-up” version of the ZOOM theme song for PBS. Yeah. Bet you all still remember that ZIP code, too.
  • Lets his wife always figure out the tip at restaurants because she’s the mathematician of the family.
  • His friends no longer let him be the driver during road trips because even though he picks the best music, he also makes them pull over at every one of those historical marker signs.
  • Has a note in his phone of drafts of tweets he’s thought about posting, but ultimately decided against it.
  • His wife had to request that he stop writing raps to “help” her study for the bar exam (States unchecked can get a little messy/ All rise, Marshall court in Hunter’s Lessee/ State powers subject to diminution/ Cohens. Virginia. You ratified the constitution. / Put the steamboat on the river – okay, New York, it’s Interstate. Gibbons. Ogden. Congress gonna regulate. /And legislate -plus stipulate/ that no militia’s solely state/ When sought, they fought. Martin. Mott.  ) (…may or may not be an excerpt from my Marshall Court review rap for Con Law, c. 2009.)
  • Used a recording of himself saying “pew! pew! pew!” as the gunshots during Hamilton’s workshops for longer than was strictly necessary.
  • Also uses those”pew! pew! pew!” soundswhen he shoots a gun at paintball or lazer tag
  • Had the choice of being in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff when he was sorted, proudly sports a yellow and black scarf on the regs.
  • Owns a “But first, café” sign
  • Yeah, Lin can do really crazy-good crown braids now that his hair is long, but he’s waiting for the Hamilton cast recording to go platinum before he releases a tutorial.

    NBD but he doesn’t even need keratin treatments.

  • Secretly named his son after Lil’ Sebastian
  • Has more novelty/pop culture-themed t-shirts than dress shirts
  • Wrote at least 2 songs for each of his ex-girlfriends, has an entire two-volume album dedicated to his wife Vanessa in his head
  • He’s also composed a verse or two for his favorite delivery guy and bodega lady. Not to get free stuff out of it. Just because he cares.
  • Those ex-girlfriends can testify that he’s had that comma game in his arsenal since long before playing our dearest, Hamilton.
  • Scribbled Wrote ‘Wait for It’ on a fan’s forearm at the stage door so they could get a tattoo of it later.
  • Really (secretly) prolific on tumblr. Runs your favorite blog.
  • Wrote a passionate What You Own-esque duet for him and Steven Pasquale on the medical drama Do No Harm in the event there would be a musical episode in the future. The show was cancelled after 2 episodes (that last part is true).

    how was this show cancelled

  • During his first grade Christmas pageant, left Mary and Joseph waiting at stage right for a full 5 minutes as he performed his (unsanctioned) solo as Shepherd #3. Upon leaving, audiences were heard to say that they “never really realized how important that shepherd was to our history.”
  • First celebrity crush: Patti LuPone
  • Is in talks with I Love New York to use the “let’s go upstate” hook in a series of ads promoting summer tourism in the Adirondacks.
  • Of course he has a bucket list. Of course “have Beyonce be proud of my walk” is on it. Someday.

  • Hasn’t joined Instagram because “Instagramrico” doesn’t have as a good a ring to it as “Twitterico”
  • Was a competitor in one of those quiz bowl public access-type shows featuring kids from different schools in NYC. His team won.
  • Has that a cappella app where you harmonize with yourself. Mostly made up of Ingrid Michaelson, Mario Kart songs, and early drafts of Hamilton tracks.
  • Attended a LARP-ing summer camp when he was 13
  • Would have seriously auditioned for High School Musical if he was the right age (no, but have y’all SEEN this??).
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No One Man Should Have All That Power(ball)

Posted in Miscellany by

Powerball fever has swept the nation, due to the fact that for the first time ever, the jackpot has reached $1.5 billion, the highest ever it’s been in North America. People are spending thousands of dollars in hopes of winning the millions you’d be left with when the taxman comes to take your new fortune.

But let’s be real here folks. You’re not going to win the Powerball. You, person reading this blog on the Internet, will mostly likely not be the Lottery Superwinner of 2016. The odds are literally slim, since it’s currently 1 in 292 million. That is such a minuscule number. To put it in perspective, the odds of a terrorist incident on a plane are 1 per 16.6 million departures. That wasn’t an uplifting stat, but you get the point.

Now, I’ve never been much of a gambler. I’m fairly stingy when it comes to stuff like this, like why would I spend money without getting anything in return? I’m the worst in Vegas. I spend max $10 on penny slots and legit one time had to ask a casino deal how to play roulette (I ended up winning about $50 on the first spin and after a second one, I cashed the fuck out). But I totally bought into the FOMO of Powerball last week and put $20 of my hard-earned Christmas gift money to Powerball and Mega Millions. I did not win anything.

However, there is someone that will eventually win this huge prize, and I have a few suggestions for them once they get the cold hard cash and become the most enviable person in America overnight.

Make It Rain (Then Immediately Clean It Up)

Straight Up Pimp It

GG Revival 24/7

i am kirk on the GG set

Temporarily quit my job to become a “roadie” for the upcoming Gilmore Girls reunion (breaking news: it’s really happening. Filming starts next month, so I better get on this). I will give Amy Sherman-Palladino money to be an actual townie in Stars Hollow and live in the gazebo.

Buyout

Somehow buyout this douchenugget Martin Shkreli’s $45 million fortune and if he manages to stay out of jail, put him in a huge empty ass mansion in a remote area of Wyoming, and secure his precious copy of Wu-Tang’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin in a glass case that’s impossible to get into. If he does open it, there will be no way to play it.

Take a Ride in Shondaland

Pay your way into Shonda Rhimes’ inner circle and find out what happens on TGIT nights months ahead of the peasants watching at home.

Win a Friendship Auction

Finally bid a winning amount on one of those friendship auctions with Tina and Amy. The going rate was $72,000 so that’s chump change if I’m a Powerball millionaire.

Coffee, stat

Start my own personal delivery service that only caters to me. And maybe my friends.

Go HAM

Buy the best seat in the house for Hamilton, pay with all $10 bills because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Fan Club President

i was actually a member of the bsb fc for like 2 years. like, recently. it’s fine.

Pay to be a fan club member for a bunch of artists I like so I can get first dibs on great seats. Purchase said great seats because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Bring Happy Endings Back

BECAUSE MONEY IS NO OBJECT

 

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