Spring Memes Make Me Feel Fine: Becky With The Good Hair

It’s been nearly two weeks since Beyonce had us all bowing down to her yet again (IDK why we don’t just stay down there) with Lemonade. No one could have guessed that it would be a visual album sparking rumors of Jay Z’s infidelity, and no one most certainly could not have predicted millions of Beyhive members would be on a witch hunt for someone named Becky With The Good Hair.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned upon watching/listening to Lemonade on repeat and knowing what I know of Bey & Jay: Becky With The Good Hair doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if she’s Rachel Roy or Rita Ora or even Rachael Ray. It doesn’t matter if she’s not real. She’s a moo(t) point. The main takeaway of Lemonade shouldn’t leave us speculating who “Jay Z” cheated on “Beyonce” with. Lemonade is much more and much greater than that. It’s about strength and endurance and perseverance and Black Girl Magic, so the fact that anyone could still be speculating on who BWTGH is, is missing Beyonce’s message entirely.

And because Lemonade was so epic and unexpected, the Internet, as always, provided the best reactions to Bey’s latest masterpiece with the only way they know how – memes. I’ve gathered some of the best from the World Wide Web for your convenience. So turn up that Lemonade and sip on some tea because the Interwebz have got me saying once again, WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

https://twitter.com/chanelpuke/status/724764720125849601

https://twitter.com/NerdyWonka/status/724044234592931845

https://twitter.com/MrWillMiles/status/724094551892348928

https://twitter.com/zraking/status/724045828566966272

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEpdb6XugPW/?taken-by=loriloughlin&hl=en

MEMECEPTION

https://twitter.com/supremekourtnee/status/724045888981594114

https://twitter.com/mikecheck06/status/724323753392541696

REAL TALK THO:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEohmuet7Y6/

BONUS MET GALA:

https://twitter.com/ryancoffey1/status/727292021145260032

 

Let’s All Speculate About Lemonade

Beyonce, the Queen of wig snatching, revealed last weekend that she’s releasing something called Lemonade on HBO this coming Saturday.

Beyonce being Beyonce, she’s revealed little to no details besides subconsciously telling us to quit all our plans to watch whatever this is on Saturday. At this point, we shouldn’t be surprised by her unexpected moves. From the iconic pregnancy reveal at the 2011 VMAs to the “Where were you when Beyonce dropped her album in December 2013?” phenomenon to randomly releasing Formation earlier this year, the Queen has made pulling a “Beyonce” a verb.

In fact, this time around, she’s been trolling us for months. MONTHS. Last year, she posted a string of Instagram photos of her with lemons and/or lemonade, but of course with no explanation. No one questioned it at the time because it is BEYONCE SMELLING A FRESH FRUIT WHO ARE WE PLEBEIANS TO QUESTION HER ACTIONS?

So while we have three more days until we find out exactly what Lemonade is, let’s speculate based on logical clues (and some not so logical) as to what it could possibly be, because let’s be honest, we have nothing better to do until then.

A new song

This seems like the most reasonable assumption, no? Or rather the most non-disappointing expectation? If she hit us with the music video for her new song Lemonade, we would be fine with it, but just leave us wanting more.

A new album

There have been rumors swirling over the past few weeks that Beyonce is releasing another surprise album later this year, this time around with some special guests, including Adele. Since she’s kicking off her Formation world tour (which she also unexpectedly announced after her Super Bowl cameo this year) next week, a full new album would be the reason she’s going on tour – not like she needs a reason.  But that’s cutting it close for all those Bey Hive members in Miami. An album on Saturday, concert on Wednesday? Hope everyone has a good memory because you’ll need to learn those lyrics real quick.

A new visual album / film

This is my true, honest guess for what her Lemonade HBO special is. It’ll be like all the music videos from Beyonce (2013) but on the TV. In trailer for Lemonade, she’s wearing the same outfit/has the same look as her Formation video, so it could just be a continuation of that theme in the new special.

The name of her next baby

… Because she’s pregnant again. She’s not, BUT what if she was and the HBO special is 30 minutes long and a sonogram video of her unborn child Lemonade (gender TBD).

A new restaurant venture

Bey is becoming a franchise owner of Lemonade, a chain of restaurants in Los Angeles that’s basically healthy cafeteria-style food. They have stuff like vegan Red Quinoa & Fuji Apples with Arugula, Toasted Sunflower Seeds,& Pistachio Vinaigrette or Roasted Chicken with Pomegranate Tzatziki or their famous truffle Mac and Cheese. Of course they have a million kinds of lemonade including Blood Orange and Coconut Apple and maybe even a new flavor flav – BLUEIvyBERRY and HoneyBEY??

A new lemonade cleanse partnership

She’s the new spokesperson for a lemonade cleanse. Ok, on the real, I came up with that idea before I each started searching “Beyonce juice cleanse”, but apparently it’s a thing and she reportedly used this lemon detox diet to lose 20 pounds. I do not suggest doing this. I do suggest Beyonce making a legit juice cleanse that I will regettingly partake in.

Mexican Lemonade

IDEK IT COULD LIT’RALLY BE ANYTHING

Blue Ivy’s got a lemonade stand

She’s Periscope-ing Blue Ivy’s lemonade stand for an entire hour. Her lemonade stand is outside their Bev Hills house and Jay’s just paid a bunch of people to drive by and buy the drinks she’s peddling.

It’s a secret Destiny’s Child project

In the Lemonade teaser, Bey is heard saying,”The past and the present merge to meet us here.” Using that as a hint, one can guess her past (DC3) is meeting the present (HBO) with a special Destiny’s Child project. And by project I don’t mean a new one, I mean it’s a re-airing of Destiny’s Child Live in Atlanta from 2006.

It’s a secret Bey/Jay project

She also says in the clip, “You are the love my life.” Gathering from this line, she and Jay will renew their vows. However, the catch is that only Tidal subscribers can see the actual ceremony. The rest of us HBO folks will have to settle for seeing people sit in their seats and 10 minutes of the reception. For everyone without HBO, you can find all of it in its entirety on that one (illegal) streaming website with a million pop-up ads. Worth it.

A testimonial movie about being vegan

Facts:

“I’ve been drinking, watermelon” Drunk In Love, 2013.

“I can’t wait ’til I get home so you can tear that cherry out
Turn that cherry out, turn that cherry out” Blow, 2013.

“He like to call me peaches when we get this nasty” Partition, 2013.

Lemonade, 2016.

THIS IS A PLOY TO MAKE US ALL TURN VEGAN.

Just Bey

Literally just Bey sipping on lemonade for an hour. And we’d still watch.

Things We Need to Revisit From the 2016 Grammy Awards

I’m accidentally starting a new series for the blog called Things We Need to Revisit, which I kicked off with the Super Bowl 50 earlier this month. Today, we’re talking all about last night’s Grammy Awards, which was filled with highs and lows and Hamilton. All Hamilton all the time. Here are the moments I feel like we need to talk about again today, and yes, Taylor Swift’s maj shade is on the list.

Bow Wow Doesn’t Understand Time

As awards shows are wont to do, stars from that network randomly show up to promote their series in a slick way. It’s the reason why NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J has hosted the show 5 times, and why Gary Sinise star of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders presented the Best Country Album with country singer Cam. And it’s why Shad Moss aka Bow Wow (CSI: Cyber) was chosen to co-host the pre-show with actual reporters from Entertainment Tonight. Approximately 2 minutes before the show started, Shad was in the audience giving viewers a preview of who was in the crowd, but at the 1.30 mark, he excitedly yelled, “The Grammys start now!” … except they didn’t. He attempted to do filler then throw away to the top of the show like two more times, looking at his watch WHICH SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TIME? before they cut away to the ET folks who know how time works. It was awkward and I can’t stop laughing at it.

Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood Take Their Time

Apparently their performance was shat on by a lot of haters online, but I wasn’t paying attention – Carrie is one of my favorite singers and Sam is a smokeshow so this pairing was a GD dream. Plus, the sound system was already fucked up (see: Adele).

It’s an Easy Hello for Demi Lovato

http://dlovato-news.com/post/139403196305/demi-lovato-performing-hello-at-the-58th-grammy

Demi was part of an all-star tribute to Lionel Richie, with a medley that included John Legend, Meghan Trainor, Luke Bryan and Tyrese Gibson (?). While John kicked it off with a flawless version of Easy, Demi was a standout in the bunch, mainly because she knocked the socks off of people who have been underestimating her or just don’t know her music. They know her as a former Disney star who went to rehab, and over the past year, Demi’s been out there hustlin’ trying to prove them otherwise. IMO, the new era of her slay-age began with SNL back in October, and with her performance on the Grammys it took her to a whole new level. Demi has never even been to the Grammys before, which was a conscious decision on her part. She didn’t want to go unless she earned it, whether it be being asked to perform or having a nomination (one day), so her debut at the Grammys itself became an epic one with her powerful vocals. And she definitely showed them she was meant to be there.

Stevie Wonder Burns The Audience

http://tumblr.refinery29.com/post/139395542089

After performing an a cappella tribute to late Earth, Wind, & Fire star Maurice White with Pentatonix, Stevie was responsible for reading the winner of Song of the Year. He brought out the envelope, which was a bit of a gag since, hey, Stevie’s blind (tell that to 19-year-old me who legit waved to him at TRL). But then he turned it into somewhat of a PSA.

Kendrick Lights Up

http://horchata-daddy.tumblr.com/post/139417034586/kendrick-lamars-2016-grammy-performance-x-ive

If you were not giving this man a standing ovation at the end of this performance – I don’t care where you were – you need to wake the fuck up.

Adele Still Better Than Your Faves

https://vid.me/2SIC

So not everything can go perfectly on live TV, even if you’re Adele. The only difference is that Adele can still make a fucked up instrumental and sound situation seem like NBD. Especially in a huge venue like Staples Center with thousands of screaming fans, it’s imperative for a singer’s earpiece to work, and for the music playing through said earpiece to be on tune. It definitely wasn’t her best performance, and everyone freaked out but ultimately forgave her because she’s Adele. However, she explained later that the piano mics fell on to the piano strings, and that’s what made it sound like a guitar was blaring every other beat and like she was off key. She’s also fine with it because she got In and Out after. Goals.

Sofia Vergara Did A Thing

Believe it or not, Sofia Vergara helped close out the Grammys. Backstory: Pitbull made a surprise appearance at Sofia’s wedding to Joe Manganiello last year by performing a few songs at their reception. I’m assuming to help pay him back, she agreed to dress up as a Taxi and dance around the stage during his performance. So, that happened.

Taylor’s Got It Made In the Shade

If you’ve been following the Kanye drama over the past week (there’s a lot so it’s fair if you haven’t), you know that he name dropped Taylor in his new song Famous. He says, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” Long story short, Kanye isn’t apologizing and Taylor responded for the first time by throwing the most shade to him in her acceptance speech for Album of the Year. Like, if you need to describe to someone what shade is (which I’ve had to do), this speech is the textbook definition of it. PS: Remember the time Taylor thought she won Album of the Year in 2014 because “Red” sounds a lot like “Random Access Memories” by Daft Punk?? STILL FUNNY.

#Gram4Ham

http://popculturebrain.com/post/139404914114/abrieftasteoflove-yayhamlet

Saved the best for last. While I think Kendrick had the best *awards show performance*, the cast of Hamilton had their own revolutionary performance in a different way. We both had a lot of feelings before the cast performed the opening number, Alexander Hamilton, live from the Richard Rodgers theater in NY, and one of those feelings had to do with the fact that it was the first time the cast has performed a full song on TV. We were going to be in the room where it happens, only if for a few minutes. It was just as beautiful and moving as I had imagined. And of course, to top it all off, they won Best Musical Theater Album (obviously. this category is usually relegated for the pre-telecast!) and Lin didn’t disappoint with yet another acceptance speech rap. That also made me cry. I’ve never been so proud of a group of people I’ve never met before than this cast. WEPAAAA

Best Dressed Of Super Bowl 50

Just think: we are now two days past the biggest fashion night in the American football calendar! I grew up rooting for whichever Super Bowl finalist had the best uniform (except for the years the Buffalo Bills were in play, which: the less said the better). Through the iconic halftime shows and national anthems of our youths – Whitney and M.J., anyone? – to the fashion “controversies” of the 2000s – you really don’t want to get me started on Janet and J.T. – Super Bowl Sunday is the most fashion excitement you’ll find in a football game all year. So how did Super Bowl 50 stack up? I’d say it was one of the best Super Bowls yet, sartorially speaking.

Here are the best of the best, in no particular order:

The Super Bowl Logo

So many of us learned Roman numerals through the ever-changing Super Bowl logos – or, for us Catholic schoolers, through a healthy mix of Super Bowl logos and Bible stuff. I liked the unchanging tradition of it, the insistence on being way more fussy than necessary because the Super Bowl is football’s fanciest day. Roman numerals are like when numbers wear a tuxedo – just classy as hell. But to be honest, Super Bowl L looks stupid. We all know it looks stupid. It sort of just looks like we’re saying it is a large Super Bowl. The NFL realized that, and the resulting logo is way better than a large letter L.

Blue Ivy Carter (and her friend Apple)

Somehow Head B.I.C. is always two and a half years old in my brain, so when I see photos of her she always seems like the most self-possessed, mature toddler ever. But no, baby Blue is four now, and her neon bomber jacket reminds me of all of the best parts of being a 90s kid. Also wearing a pretty great jacket: Apple Martin, a smaller Gwyneth Paltrow.

Beyonce’s Dancers

What’s better than one Angela Davis? An entire troop of dancing Angela Davises. And in case you missed what they were going for, check out those Black Panther/ Malcolm X hats. And in case you still REALLY weren’t sure, they will tell you with a Justice for Mario Woods sign. FYI: the leather outfits were designed by Zana Bayne and she has some great behind-the-scenes photos of the day on Instagram. Pam Grier tweeted about the halftime show and I hope she appreciated that her iconic 70s look is back in style.

Kevin Durant

Did you know that Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder is also a photographer? And since we’re talking about fashion here, did you know that Kevin Durant looks really, really good in street clothes? Okay, so a black t-shirt and ripped jeans aren’t exactly something to write home about but… I don’t know, maybe they are?

Lady Gaga

This outfit reminds me of Lady Gaga’s version of being an elementary school teacher, where they’d wear a turtleneck, chunky sweater, and jumper that all related to the same theme. You know, Miss Frizzle style. I find Gaga’s version of really flooring it, outfit-wise, to be so endearing. She’s in a shiny pantsuit, for Pete’s sake (by Gucci, because Gaga’s still Gaga). And since she’s singining the national anthem, that shit is RED.  With blue nails. And red eyeshadow. And because it’s football, she has the Gaga equivalent of Texas cheer mom hair. The shoes? Stars and stripes. And if you couldn’t tell, I say all of those things with complete affection. Pair this with a note-perfect rendition of the Star Spangled Banner and we have a pop star even your granny would love – fun, patriotic, respectful, and really committed to a theme.

Beyonce

Here’s something I don’t think we talk about enough: how Beyonce has made a signature look out of not wearing pants. She’s such a big deal that we all accept this long sleeve, no pants look and don’t even mention that usually, humans wear something on their lower half. This look was classic Beyonce, but the military styling was also a perfect fit with Formation. We’re told (by designers Dean and Dan Caten) that any resemblance to a certain other iconic Super Bowl halftime show look was strictly coincidental:

Janelle Monae (and company)

I’m a sucker for a “(Product) Through The Years” commercial format anyway, but this Pepsi ad was really remarkable. I loved Janelle’s classic James Brown suit, Madonna garb, and modern sequined look. Keep an eye on the background dancers: they look just as great. Now let’s get Janelle a halftime show of her own, why don’t we? And a 2014 Grammy nomination, please, because I still maintain that she should have had one.

Chris Martin

This is on my “bworst” list: gross word, but I mean a combination of best and worst. It’s not technically good, but it’s so very Chris Martin that the second I saw it I was like “oh, of COURSE.” As in, of course he’s wearing a line of Lisa Frank yoga clothes designed for a production of Godspell. Oh bless the Lord my soul. Also the second I saw his little face peeking out between Beyonce and Bruno Mars, I knew he was going to be a meme – so I do want to call attention to the fact that I think he did well and I liked his rainbow color scheme.

Things We Need to Revisit From Super Bowl 50

Last night, millions of Americans tuned in to watch Beyonce take over the field the Denver Broncos beat the Carolina Panthers. The Super Bowl is the U.S.’s most unofficial national holiday, but to me, it’s a free concert surrounded by some football riff raff. But, since I’m not a quitter, and have a bit of FOMO, I still “watched” the game from the comfort of my work office. There were definitely some highlights and lowlights of the Super Bowl, so it’s only fitting that we do a post-mortem on it and revisit a few things that need to have our attention again. And it’s worth noting that surprisingly, a majority of these things have absolutely nothing to do with football.

Tom Brady Lit’rally Missing the Mark

Because it’s the 50th Super Bowl, the NFL had to be all nostalgic and whatnot, so before the game, they had a ceremony honoring the 43 game MVPs of the past. Among them was New England Patriots QB and polarizing athlete Tom Brady. Deflategate and all. First of all, each MVP had to come out, stand on the yellow dot on the field, wave to the crowd then join the others on the side. Tom lit’rally missed the mark and just walked out and waved then joined the MVPs. To make things worse, he got booed by the crowd of Broncos and Panthers fans. I have a lot of friends from New England, so I’m not going to comment (I also have no opinion, really) but I mean, yikes.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose

Hey, remember when Scott Porter (Jason Street) posted this FNL reunion pic from one of his football parties and everyone freaked out? I feel like we also need to freak out about this picture of Street and Lance/Landry from yesterday’s game. Dear people who run next year’s Super Bowl (NFL, I guess? lol), stage a FNL reunion at the game and you’ll get a lot of publicity. I mean, not like the Super Bowl needs it, but still.

SLAYDAY GAGA

Believe it or not, there are still people who aren’t aware that Stefani Germanotta is actually a really great, trained singer and not just a woman who wears a meat dress to the VMAs. So for those expecting her to look ridiculous and make a spectacle of the National Anthem were shit out of luck because Gaga showed off her impressive vocal talents and didn’t go over the top with her runs. It was pretty much perfect, so just watch the entire performance again.

Is This Not Grease 2: Live

This fellow’s name is Jonathan Stewart and when he scored a touchdown for the Panthers, his dance involved the hand jive. For those of us who were tweeting #GreaseLive all of a week ago, we had hope Aaron Tveit and Vanessa Hudgens would suddenly appear at the Super Bowl.

That Independence Day Trailer

The trailer for the Independence Day sequel aired during the Super Bowl, and props to the marketing team for this one – the first shot is an aerial shot of a crowded football stadium and someone is singing the National Anthem (a female pop star?) in the background. Then havoc ensues. Too real. I got chills.

Stealth The Wire Reunion

No, Idris Elba wasn’t involved, unfortunately. This Wire mini-reunion is from S2, the dockworkers played by Pablo Schreiber and Chris Bauer, who use a Prius as a getaway car after robbing a bank. So, like, the same thing as The Wire.

Salty Brother

I’m not a football aficionado or anything, but here’s the situation as I know it. Peyton Manning, QB for the Broncos played in the Super Bowl for what could be his last game before retiring. His younger brother, Giants QB Eli Manning was not playing in the Super Bowl, but watching from a box with his family. They cut to the Manning family after Peyton made some kind of successful play, and Eli didn’t look thrilled. Personally, I think he just looks stressed on behalf of his brother, but others are thinking he’s hating his life and jealous of his bro. Whatever you want to believe.

Super Bowl Babies

Just, no. I don’t like this. Is it even a thing? Or did the NFL just make it up? But they got people to talk about it, so mission accomplished.

Live Your Best Life

This guy doesn’t know who Coldplay is, doesn’t know who Mark Ronson is, doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is. Vaguely familiar with Beyonce because she’s been on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Beyonce and Friends

Here’s one thing I know about the Chris Martin and Coldplay – they must be REALLY REALLY nice, kind-hearted people to invite Beyonce on stage to make an appearance at their headlining half-time show at the Super Bowl, because the moment she walks on stage, it’s the Beyonce and Friends show.

Bow Down Bitches

Beyonce. Shuttin’ it down. Getting the fuck back up again. All day. Every day. Watching on loop.

Confused Cookie

Oh Taraji. She was just living her life, enjoying the Super Bowl as one does, and accidentally thought Coldplay was Maroon 5. It’s fine. She realized her mistake and deleted the tweet. We all make mistakes. all white people look alike anyways.

Gotta Get That Free Pizza Tho

I don’t know enough about this friendship, but why is Papa John of Papa John’s one of the only people Peyton reaches out to hug right after winning the Super Bowl? I’m as confused as Taraji.

 

Clear Notes, Full Voices, Can’t Lose

When I binge watched Friday Night Lights for the first time, I couldn’t stop playing episode after episode in rapid succession. But when it came to the final few episodes of the series, I couldn’t bear to come to the reality that the show was actually ending. It took me weeks to gather the courage to watch the series finale, and when I did, it left me wanting more. But as the years go on, the less I want a FNL reunion movie. The show ended perfectly, so there’s no need to add to the story. But IRL reunions (like the one at ATX TV Festival) or cast get togethers (like the one at Scott Porter’s house) are perfectly acceptable – which is why a Friday Night Lights musical is the best thing to happen since Tim Riggins.

The fine folks at Sucker Love Productions have brought to life Cruel Intentions and most recently, The OC in musical form, and in 2016, they’re bringing the world of Dillon, Texas to Los Angeles. And if you thought it didn’t get any better, well it does, because Scott Porter, aka Six aka Jason Street is in it and he’s playing Coach Taylor. That’s right, man among men Dad of the Year Coach to all will be played by Jason Street.

PS: Scott has a history with singing and musical theatre – he starred in the Off-Broadway hit Altar Boyz, and you can be impressed with his killer pipes here, here and here.

Like I did with The OC musical, I’m just gonna go ahead and guess what songs will be featured in the FNL musical based on storylines and general music knowledge. We’ll see if any of these tunes show up – because you best believe I’m trying my damnest to get a ticket to this.

Devil Town by Tony Lucca

{Cast}

Besides the actual instrumental theme song for FNL, Devil Town is the unofficial theme song for the show. It was used in the beginning and end of season one, as well as various promo clips throughout the run. The song itself is tonally a perfect representation of the series with its simple instrumentations and the overall vibe feels small town-esque, while the lyrics suggest Dillon is more than a town focused on football.

Run The World (Girls) by Beyonce

{Tami Taylor}

We know that out on the field, Coach Taylor is in charge. But let’s face it y’all, behind every strong Coach Taylor is a formidable Tami Taylor, and she’s the one who’s really in charge. She’s smart, caring, giving, fair, and doesn’t make excuses for who she is, her values, or what she wants in life. Mrs. Coach became Principal Taylor and at the end of the series, she moved up in the ranks to fulfill her own career dreams. And who followed right behind her? Eric Taylor.

Magnets by Disclosure featuring Lorde

{Tim Riggins and Lyla Garrity}

Despite the fact Lyla promises her boyfriend Jason Street she’ll stick by him during his tragic paralyzing accident in the pilot, she ultimately commits the ultimate betrayal mid-season 1 and sleeps with his BFF, bad boy and teen heartthrob Tim Riggins. Poor choices all around, but it’s the beginning of one of the series’ most iconic relationships, and TBH, I ship it. More so than Tim and Tyra. And maybe even more so than Tim and me. HAH JK.

Never really felt bad about it/As we drank deep from a lie
‘Cause I felt melting magnets, babe/The second I saw you through half-shut eyes
Uh-oh, dancin’ past the point of no return/Let go, we can free ourselves of all we’ve learned
I love this secret language that we’re speaking/Say it to me, let’s embrace the point of no return

Bitch by Meredith Brooks

{Julie Taylor}

It’s so so easy to hate on Julie Taylor throughout the entire series, and for good reason. I always come to her defense, mainly asserting that she’s supposed to be an annoying teenage girl, but I can only do it for so long.

Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney

{Tami & Eric Taylor}

There’s a scene in the season 1 finale, State, in which Tami tells Eric she’s pregnant, and it is just the epitome of true love. He obviously needs her to repeat the phrase ‘I’m pregnant’, since they certainly weren’t expecting this, and his reaction is picture perfect. Later in the ep, Eric tells Tami he’s reconsidered taking the big job at TMU and wants to stay in Dillon, but Tami is all, ‘you are so dumb’ and is like don’t give up on this big opportunity you idiot. They are #relationshipgoalsAF and if any of us can get this type of love in our lifetime, we would be pretty lucky indeed.

Secret by The Pierces

{Landry & Tyra}

Yeah, you know that storyline all FNL fans refuse to accept happened? That’s this song.

Marry You by Bruno Mars

{Mindy & Billy Riggins}

One of the most endearing relationships to come out of Dillon is that of the unlikely pairing of Tim’s older, equally poor choice making brother, and Tyra’s stripper sister Mindy. Their wedding was iconic for the outfits alone, but can’t you just picture them dancing down the aisle to this song? Also, the actress who plays Mindy, Stacey Oristano, is a fab singer IRL, so she should probably be in the FNL musical.

All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye by John Mayer

{Matt}

In maybe the best episode of the series, The Son, Matt finds out his estranged dad Henry dies while in the Army in Iraq. When we first meet Matt, we find out his mom and dad are divorced, his mom left, his dad has spent most of his time overseas in the military, and he has to take care of his Grams, who suffers from dementia. Matt never really got the chance to know his father, since he was leaving constantly, much like his mom, and technically grams. It all comes to a head in one of the most powerful scenes between Matt and Coach, after he finds out Coach might be leaving Dillon.

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

{Vince and his mom Regina}

In addition to the stress of being the the star quarterback of the new East Dillon Lions, Vince has to deal with his mother, a former drug addict who relapses. He manages to get her help and into rehab, but it obviously takes a toll on him. Gravity might not be the super obvious choice for this particular storyline, but it’s all because of one of the most memorable routines from So You Think You Can Dance that deals with addiction.

Whatever This Song Is by Crucifictorious

{Landry & Cruicifictorious}

IDGI, but do whatever your heart tells you, Lance.

House Party by Sam Hunt

{Tim Riggins}

It occurred to me while compiling this list that Sam Hunt is like the Tim Riggins of music. Hot, talented in their craft, hot, popular with the ladies, hot. One sings about being in a cop car while the other voluntarily turns himself into the police. Same thing.

Brick by Ben Folds Five

{Luke & Becky}

Luke and Becky have a one-night stand in season four, and she ends up pregnant. It’s a whole situation involving HBIC and principal Tami Taylor, but Becky eventually decides to have an abortion. Is this song too real?

When You Come Back Down by Nickel Creek

{Matt & Julie}

Every year at the ATX TV Festival, there’s a FNL tailgate party complete with music, a screening of an FNL episode, and random cast members avail to meet and take pix with. Last year, Sara Watkins of Nickel Creek played, and like Devil Town, their music fits perfectly with the Dillon vibe. This song is all about letting someone you love go in order for them to live their life. Matt & Julie had been dating pretty much all throughout high school, but when Matt invites Julie to visit him in Chicago where he’s attending college, she decides against it because she knows if she does go, she wouldn’t want to leave, thus putting her own dreams aside (except she ends up following him to Chicago at the end of the series anyways bc they’re engaged and stuff. Spoiler alert?).

Devil Knows You’re Dead by Delta Spirit

{Cast}

FNL has one of the best series finales in TV history, and I think a lot of that has to do with the final montage, which gives each character an ending, with their stories wrapped up in perfect bows. During that montage, this Delta Spirit song plays and gives you lit’rally all the feels.

Adele Fangirls Over People

Our Patron Saint of Sobbing returns with a much-anticipated album on Friday with 25 and as details slowly leak, the more we long for it to be release day. Yesterday, Adele gave us a lil’ crumb from 25 with the music video for When We Were Young, and with this and Hello, I think everyone needs to take a personal day on Friday. Or like a world holiday, because Adele is revered by many. She’s one of those artists that more people love than hate, but who does one of the most revered celebs love the most? Here are just some of the people Adele had gone crazy for, the way we would go crazy over her.

Beyonce

Going outside and falling on your knees and crying is EXACTLY how you should respond when meeting the King and Queen. And “Adele, one minute” – are you kidding me? That phrase should go on her tombstone.

Rihanna

“I guess I have my own squad. It’s not as interesting as some of the other squads that are around right now. But maybe Rihanna can be in my squad! That would be really cool. Oh, God. She’s life itself, isn’t she? I love her.” Adele to Rolling Stone {x}

Petition to have a Rihanna/Adele reality TV show of them hanging out at home watching a movie or out a club. This would never happen, but can you imagine?

Spice Girls

First of all, Adele looks like such a baby in this video. Second, it makes total sense she’s a Spice Girls fan. She was an impressionable girl growing up in England who had the most popular girl group in the world to look up to. Like Adele says, their voices weren’t the best, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a rightful place in music history.

Amy Winehouse

“If it wasn’t for Amy and Frank, 100% I wouldn’t have picked up a guitar, I wouldn’t have written Daydreamer or Hometown and I wrote Someone Like You on the guitar too… I got super emotional with the funeral footage. But I wasn’t really that into the saved voicemails and stuff like that. I felt like I was intruding so I actually felt a little bit uncomfortable and that ruined it for me. I love watching her, but I kind of wish I hadn’t seen it. But you know, I love Amy. I always have, I always will. Do you know what makes me super sad? That I’m never going to hear her voice again, other than how I’ve heard it.”

Adele and Amy actually attended the same school for a brief period of time, but weren’t friends. They even performed at the BRIT Awards (UK’s version of the Grammys) together but alas, they ran in different circles.

Frank Ocean

“I’m just f–king waiting for Frank f–king Ocean to come out with his album. It’s taking so f–king long. That sounds so stupid, coming from me, doesn’t it?” Adele to Rolling Stone {x}

But honestly, WTF Frank Ocean.

Lana Del Rey

Adele accidentally got the same exact tattoo as Lana Del Rey at the same time. Oops. In Adele’s defense, she got it in honor of her son Angelo, not because LDR got it. But she didn’t have a problem with people thinking that. “She probably thinks I’m, like, some mad fangirl. I mean, I am a Lana fangirl, but not a crazy one.” BRB getting a Paradise tattoo inspired by Adele inspired by LDR.

Bette Midler

Well. Here this is.

 

Pop Culture Extra Credit: College Edition

A couple months ago, my alma mater, Emerson College, announced that starting in the Fall of 2016, there will be a new major available to students – a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Comedic Arts, AKA a degree in comedy. Emerson is a communication and arts school where being a musical theatre major doesn’t make you a nerd and Quidditch is the top sport. We’re known for having unusual or quirky things that you wouldn’t find at a “normal” college. When I first heard the news, I thought, ‘Oh, that makes sense’. The school already offers classes on things like puppetry and “Queer TV After Ellen Came Out”, so yeah, a comedy major sounds about right.

However, it was a much bigger question mark to the rest of the world who went to schools that had classes like Accounting and football teams. Emerson even got a mention from Seth Meyers who suggested students can “just take your tuition money and burn it in front of your parents.” Fair.

So with kids heading back to college over the next few weeks, I thought that there must be other schools out there that offer odd, or pop culture-centric classes. Luckily, the American educational system did not let me down. Here are just a few courses you can take right now – did you guys take any weird classes in college?

Emerson College {Boston, MA}

TV Creators: Understanding the Whedonesque

Description:

This course will use the career of Joss Whedon to introduce students to the variety of positions in the entertainment industry and their potential for fulfilling and creative work… By examining his work at various stages, students will better understand auteur theory, modern industrial entertainment production, and artistic production across media. Works covered include: Roseanne, Alien: Resurrection, Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a film and TV series, Angel, Firefly and Serenity, Dollhouse, The Cabin in the Woods, The Avengers, Much Ado About Nothing, Buffy: Season Eight, and Astonishing X-Men.

Class Notes:

Surprisingly enough, I’m not too familiar with the Whedonverse. The closest I’ve ever gotten is watching Dr. Horrible multiple times over. Back in my day, this class was specifically about dissecting Buffy, and not any of Joss Whedon’s other works. My friend (who shall not be named because in her words, ‘I have a reputation to uphold’) took the Buffy class and had this to say about it: “12-year-old me couldn’t believe she was watching one of her favorite shows in class to achieve a real college degree, but it was surprisingly one of the most demanding classes (work load wise) that I have ever taken.” As I think we’re going to find with the rest of these courses, it may sound silly at first, but it’s probably really interesting and a lot of work.

Massachusetts Institute of Technology {Cambridge, MA}

Topics in Comparative Media: American Pro Wrestling

well this is frightening

Description:

This class will explore the cultural history and media industry surrounding the masculine drama of professional wrestling. Beginning with wrestling’s roots in sport and carnival, the class examines how new technologies and changes in the television industry led to evolution for pro wrestling style and promotion and how shifts in wrestling characters demonstrate changes in the depiction of American masculinity. The class will move chronologically in an examination of how wrestling characters and performances have changed, focusing particularly on the 1950s to the present. Students may have previous knowledge of wrestling but are not required to, nor are they required to be a fan (although it is certainly not discouraged, either).

Class Notes:

Exactly what major is this class fulfilling? I particularly like the disclaimer at the end. ‘You don’t have to be a fan of WWE… except you should probably be if you’re spending money on this class.”

Rutgers University {New Jersey}

Feminist Perspectives: Politicizing Beyoncé

Description:

Calling all the single ladies: this exploration into Queen Bey’s influence on feminism, race, gender, and culture helps students become more aware of the way in which pop culture shapes society. Most classes that are named for celebrities deal with sociologies of fame or psychologies of human behavior, but Kevin Allred’s version zeroes in on politics. By juxtaposing Beyoncé’s song lyrics with readings by distinguished black leaders like Sojourner Truth and Octavia Butler, students ask and attempt to answer the question, “Can Beyoncé’s music be seen as a blueprint for progressive social change?” Yet the more appropriate question may be: Who runs the world? Beyoncé.

Class Notes:

Sign. Me. Up. The person who wrote this description is clearly a member of the BeyHive, so that’s already a plus. But like previously mentioned, this class sounds hard as shiiiit. But that’s what you get when you break down the genius that is Queen B.

Georgia Regents College {Augusta, Georgia}

Good Kids, Mad Cities

Description:

Taking its name from Kendrick Lamar’s 2012 album, this course will examine the role of urban living on the development of young people. In Kendrick’s case, “the streets sure to release the worst side of my best” (Lamar 58). By studying and analyzing various literature, films, and K. Dot’s album, we will consider what effects our characters’ surroundings have on who they become as adults. The cities we will be visiting, in our imaginations, are Dublin, New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

Class Notes:

This class should be offered at more colleges, TBH.

Middlebury College {Middlebury, Vermont}

Urban America & Serial Television: Watching The Wire

Description:

Frequently hailed as a masterpiece of American television, The Wire shines a light on urban decay in contemporary America, creating a dramatic portrait of Baltimore’s police, drug trade, shipping docks, city hall, public schools, and newspapers over five serialized seasons. In this course, we will watch and discuss all of this remarkable-and remarkably entertaining-series, and place it within the dual contexts of contemporary American society and the aesthetics of television. This is a time-intensive course with a focus on close viewing and discussion, and opportunities for critical analysis and research about the show’s social contexts and aesthetic practices.

Class Notes:

I would take this class for one reason, the same one reason I watch the entirety of The Wire in the first place: Mr. Idris Elba. God bless.

Colorado College {Colorado Springs, Colorado}

Queen Bees, WannaBees, and Mean Girls

Description:

Queen Bees, WannaBees, and Mean Girls explores the means and motives behind why women seek authority and the actions they are willing to take in order to hold onto it. Students will examine this concept through the use of literary works and movies, such as the 2004 film Mean Girls.

Class Notes:

Temporarily ignoring the fact that first sentence makes it seem like this class is slightly sexist, it would be interesting to take a look into this culture of mean girls. And obviously, the class would have to be held on Wednesdays.

American University {Washington, D.C.}

Contemporary American Culture: Hunger Games

Description:

The Hunger Games trilogy is a publishing phenomenon that has dramatically impacted American popular culture. Using the series as a case study, this course examines the interplay of class, politics, ethics, and marketing. Topics covered include oppression, feminism, food deserts, rebellion, the publishing industry, and social media marketing. 

Class Notes:

Hunger Games isn’t just for kids, y’all. I also read “food deserts” as “food desserts” and immediately started to think what significance desserts had in the books, scouring my brain to remember Katniss’ fave food – then I realized it said “deserts” as in, the lack of food pretty much everywhere besides the Capitol. The Hunger Game isn’t just for kids, y’all.

Georgetown University {Washington, D.C.}

Philosophy and Star Trek

Description:

Star Trek is very philosophical. What better way, then, to do philosophy, but to watch Star Trek, read philosophy and hash it all out in class? That’s the plan. This course will center on topics in metaphysics that come up again and again in Star Trek. In conjunction with watching Star Trek, we will read excerpts from the writings of great philosophers, extract key concepts and arguments and then analyze those arguments. Questions we will wrestle with include:

I. Is time travel possible? Could you go back and kill your grandmother? What is time?
II. What is the relation between your mind and your brain–are they separate items or identical? Can persons survive death? Could a machine someday think? Is Data a person?
III. What is a person? Must you have the same body to be you? Same memories? When do we have one person, and when do we have two (think of the episodes where people “split” or “fuse”).
IV. Do you have free will, or are you determined by the laws of nature to do exactly what you wind up doing (while believing you have free will)? Or both? What is freewill?

Class Notes:

This description is VERY thorough. Not only that, but seems questionable. For instance, why is one of the questions, “Could you go back and kill your grandmother?”. First of all, it should be “Would”. Second of all, what? Is this a plot point in the Star Trek series? If yes, WHY? Also, “What is a person?” ??? This could be a very deep and depressing conversation I personally wouldn’t want to have in a classroom setting.

Georgia State University {Atlanta, Georgia}

American Poetry: Kanye vs. Everybody

kanye vs

Description:

According to the syllabus, Kanye makes for a useful lens through which to “investigate the continuous development of African American poetry and poetics—the uses of language and literature to represent blackness and Americanness in particular—observing shifting meanings in and of the text with important considerations of race, class, gender, and sexuality.” Throughout the semester, students decode Kanye’s work and interviews, which Dr. Heath believes help draw a line from the Harlem Renaissance to the black nationalist era to current-day hip-hop.

Class Notes:

Can’t tell if Kanye would love this course or disagree with it so much he’ll interrupt during class to say just how much he hates it. Is that a dated reference? Him and TSwift are all good now? Ok.

University at Buffalo {Buffalo, New York}

Breaking Down “Breaking Bad”

Description:

“Breaking Bad” was one of the most spectacular narrative achievements in television. Its five seasons comprised some 60 hours of a single narrative arc, something no film or television program (cable or commercial) has ever accomplished… In this seminar, we’ll take a close look at all the components of the series; we’ll talk about what was done, how it was done, why it worked. There is one prerequisite: that members of the seminar have seen the series before the seminar’s first meeting. We’re going to be studying it, not greeting it. We’ll look at some segments during the semester, but only so we can deconstruct the work. I’ll expect participants to do class presentations on different aspects of the epic, and a term paper on a topic of their choice.

Class Notes:

Unlike the American wrestling course, watching the series IS a pre req to being in this class. Luckily, most people on this planet have watched Breaking Bad. There’s gotta be something meta about teaching a class about a show that features a chemistry teacher who isn’t the greatest teacher.

University of California, Berkeley {Berkeley, California}

Arguing with Judge Judy: Popular ‘Logic’ on TV Judge Shows”

Description:

TV “Judge” shows have become extremely popular in the last 3-5 years. A fascinating aspect of these shows from a rhetorical point of view is the number of arguments made by the litigants that are utterly illogical, or perversions of standard logic, and yet are used over and over again. For example, when asked “Did you hit the plaintiff?” respondents often say, “If I woulda hit him, he’d be dead!” This reply avoids answering “yes” or “no” by presenting a perverted form of the logical strategy called “a fortiori” argument “from the stronger” in Latin. The seminar will be concerned with identifying such apparently popular logical fallacies on “Judge Judy” and “The People’s Court”and discussing why such strategies are so widespread. It is NOT a course about law or “legal reasoning” Students who are interested in logic, argument, TV, and American popular culture will probably be interested in this course. I emphasize that it is NOT about the application of law or the operations of the court system in general.

Class Notes:

As the lawyer of this Cookies + Sangria duo, I’m sure Molly can support or oppose this much better than I can, but in theory, this class actually sounds more interesting than it should? Although I hate watching court show, I’m sure there’s a psychology to it that can be studied. Or just a reminder of how stupid Americans can be.

 

Best Dressed And Not-So-Favorites: Met Gala 2015

We were nervous about this year’s Met Gala theme. Nervous because the theme was China: Through The Looking Glass, which seemed like an open invite for questionable or racist or racistly questionable outfits. Fortunately, most attendees stayed on the right side of homage versus appropriation. That’s why our best dressed list contains only attendees who followed our handy guide for how not to be a racist idiot at the Met Gala. Now on to the fashions – with not a single geisha costume or hair chopstick in the mix!

Fan Bingbing in Christopher Bu

American audiences might only be familiar with Fan Bingbing from the X-Men series, but she’s been performing in China for close to two decades, and with a recent deal with 20th Century Fox we may be about to see a lot more of her. This gold gown with elaborate emerald-green cape is my top look of the night – a modern, formal, lavish take on Chinese design. I want that cape framed and hung on my wall, because it is absolute art.

Beyonce in Givenchy Haute Couture by Riccardo Tisci

The best way to avoid offending anyone at a gala with a theme that’s practically asking you to make it racial: wear something that has little, if anything, to do with the theme. Also, be Beyonce. It always helps to be Beyonce. Bey wore a Givenchy gown… or, I guess, some Givenchy clusters of strategically placed sequins. Daily Mail said that the jewels were “protecting her modesty,” because the Daily Mail is the fussy English grandmother I never had. Beyonce followed our rule of “interpret the exhibit” by choosing a broad, flat shoulder and fitted cut (um, very fitted?) that is slightly reminiscent of some modern takes on the cheongsam. Which means she also followed our rule “know your Chinese influences” by not showing up in some sort of weird kimono.

Rihanna in Guo Pei

Oh my goodness, yes. The Met Gala dress code not only requires attendees to wear full evening dress but, as a fundraiser for the Metropolitan Museum Of Art’s Costume Institute, it allows the guests to play dress up. Stars can wear more creative ensembles than at major awards shows, but their creativity has to be tempered by better taste than at, say, the MTV awards. In other words, if you cannot wear a fur-trimmed yellow cape and bejeweled headpiece at the Met, there is simply nowhere you can wear it. Rihanna followed our suggestion of celebrating a Chinese designer Guo Pei. You can read more about her here. And yes, this dress has already spawned 1,000 memes. Good job, internet.

Anne Hathaway in Ralph Lauren

Now for something completely different. It sort of looked like Anne Hathaway was taking Star Wars Day (May the 4th, obviously) to heart – but in the best way possible. Sure, this Ralph Lauren gown is more restrained than Rihanna and Beyonce’s looks, but you still don’t get much of a chance to wear a hood on the red carpet. Could “it has a hood!” become the new “it has pockets?”

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in Vintage John Galliano

The Olsen twins took a broad interpretation of the theme, dressing as the ghosts of two old Chinese widows from the past. But seriously, I don’t think I’ve seen MK&A in matching outfits since the early 2000s, and I love that when they finally do it they both wear these giant black numbers. From what I can tell Mary-Kate paid tribute to the theme by wearing silk brocade, typical in traditional Chinese dress. Ashley looks sort of like Stevie Nicks in Victorian mourning dress, and I’m not making fun of her when I say that. I swoon over designs from The Row just about every fashion week and I love the 180 the Olsens have taken since their days in matching denim sunflower hats.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Atelier Versace

So, what’s Chinese about this dress? That’s not a rhetorical question, I’m really wondering what’s Chinese about this dress. Grandma Daily Mail says that she “stuck to [the theme] and ran with” it. I suppose the swooping lines and minimalism is a bit reminiscent of modern Chinese design – I’m thinking of streamlined yet flowing interior design, more than anything. I don’t know. It’s pretty, though.

Amal Clooney in John Galliano

There was a lot of red last night. I assume it was a tribute to the Chinese flag, the importance of red as a lucky color in China, and those stunning Chinese wedding dresses. That’s why this tiered gown didn’t feel TOO off-theme, even if it wasn’t explicity Chinese. The skirt is really blowing my mind here, even if the structured, studded bodice isn’t necessarily my favorite.

Lizzy Caplan in Donna Karan Atelier

Janis Ian, killing it. The drape of this is just perfect, and the embroidered silk pays tribute to the theme without going into costume mode. A lot of folks missed a real opportunity to play with the theme in their accessories last night, but these tassel earrings are amazing. I really wish I owned this dress and also had someplace to wear it (Met tickets are only like $25,000, I’m sure I could come up with it??).

Allison Williams in Giambattista Valli Couture

Allison Williams: Met Gala 2015

Here it is again. Red and cheongsam-style sleeves – just enough tribute to Chinese design without straight-up appropriating traditional dress. I know Allison Williams does the princess dress thing a lot, and sometimes it can seem like a larger version of something a very fancy nine-year-old can wear, but I think that the demure and sweet look works for Allison and she knows it.

Hey, You Tried Something

As I said, the Met Gala is a time to wear outlandish, elaborate looks that just wouldn’t fit in most scenarios. While I wasn’t particularly feeling any of the looks below, at least they really went for it, I guess?

Kim Kardashian in Peter Dundas for Roberto Cavalli

Is it just because I’m not a huge fan of Kim K? Not sure, but something about this wasn’t working for me.

Sarah Jessica Parker in H&M

I know I said it’s a good time to go over-the-top. And I know that SJP is usually the belle of the Met Ball. And I love that this collection uses sustainable fabrics! The look as a whole isn’t my favorite, but she looks like she’s having a blast which makes it that much more fun for the rest of us.

Lady Gaga in Alexander Wang

It IS Lady Gaga. And Alexander Wang is an American of Taiwanese descent. And the sleeves are maybe a modern take on a hanfu (but it kind of reminds me of a Japanese haori??). So I have every reason to like this, I just don’t. It’s me, not the dress, probably.

 Kerry Washington in Prada

We LOVE Kerry Washington. And when she nails an outfit, she NAILS it. I’m just over this high-low thing and this particular shade of pink isn’t my favorite. Hair and face, though? Flawless as ever.

Katy Perry in Moschino

I almost feel like she bought this for the punk-themed Met gala in 2013. Even if I were into the dress, the spraypaint can clutch takes it from costume in a fun, classy, celebratory way to costume in a “My Mom Found A Costume For Graffiti In American Girl Magazine” way. I don’t know if it’s new, but short hair suits her.

Solange Knowles in Giles Deacon

On one hand, I love Solange’s style even more than Beyonce’s usually. And I think this is supposed to be the dress inspired by a Chinese fan, which is really fun. But on the other hand, I don’t enjoy looking at it.

Chloe Sevigny

Chloe reminds me of Mary Kate Olsen. Do they look disheveled, or is the way they dress so high-concept that I’m too simple to get it (probably)? But that doesn’t change that this looks like two Chinese robes from a public market vendor sewn together – in a way that doesn’t fit.

Justin Bieber

I don’t like you and I don’t like how you look, which is like Zach Morris’s long-lost torero cousin.

Coachella 2015 Fashion Wrap-Up

It doesn’t seem like a desert music festival – where people willingly subject themselves to sleeping in tents and peeing in porta potties – could house a fashion oasis. But sometimes, Coachella is just that. The festival is also home to its fair share of fashion missteps, but as a two-weekend event in which people can wear whatever they want without impunity, it may not always be pretty but it’s always interesting.

Jaden Smith

I don’t have a younger brother, but I do have Jaden Smith and that’s basically the same thing. Whether I’m shaking my head over his scrunchy forehead poop face or illustrating his grandiose philosophical musings, I can’t help but get a kick out of that little scamp. He has all of the youthful self-importance of Justin Bieber, but it’s less annoying because unlike Bieber he seems to at least have a good heart. Or any heart. Jaden’s latest exploit: wearing a kicky floral frock and a lush red flower crown at Coachella. Can we retire flower crowns from music festivals now? Because we have already established who wore it best once and for all, and it’s Jaden Smith.

Beyonce

LOL no just kidding, Jaden Smith didn’t wear the flower crown best. Beyonce did – and that’s no insult to Jaden, it’s just that anything that Beyonce wears, she probably looks better than everyone else in. That’s why her t-shirt reads “Go Burn Your Flower Crown.” With denim shorts and natural makeup, it’s like Beyonce is playing dress-up as a regular civilian.

Nicki Minaj

So apparently, those are plaid shorts with a faux plaid shirt sewn around the waist. It reminds me of those cardigans with the built-in half camisole I used to wear in 1998, or those skorts with the shorts attached to the skirt. Except Nicki Minaj is wearing it instead of 12-year-old me, so it looks cool. Note Nicki’s take on the once-ubiquitous feather headdress (ugh): a giant feather crown.

Joshua Jackson

Pacey Witter is wearing the same hat my dad always wears, and that feels weird to me. It’s also the hat that is ceremoniously bestowed at age 16 on American men who are really into people thinking that they have Irish heritage. Also pictured: Diane Kruger and Nina Dobrev. Yeah, they all just look like regular people in normal clothes. Let’s move along.

 Katy Perry

What I love about this is that the loose, billowy fabric is probably great in this weather, as is the slicked-down hair: I can’t even look at Coachella pictures without feeling like I’m losing a fight with the frizz-monster. Besides, she has such a pretty face (sorry, I’m your grandma) and it’s nice to have her hair out of it. Those sandals look great too. The choker is really fun but in the Indio heat, having metal clamped right against your neck might be a bit unpleasant. Anyone want to take bets on how often her train got stepped on?

John Mayer

Listen closely. You hear that? It’s my 17-year-old self, weeping. I want to draw your attention to the gentleman to the left. That’s how my face is right now.

Whitney Port

In the early 90s, the ladies’ pajama departments of stores like Ames and T.J. Maxx used to run ads with ladies in long, billowing nightgowns. They’d often be looking dreamy near a window or on a porch swing. They usually had long blonde hair in a french braid with meticulously curled-under wispy bangs. This is the exact nightgown they were wearing. It looks cute on her, though.

 The Kardashian-Jenner Sisters

I don’t know which Kardashian sisters are which. I mean, I know which one Khloe is. And I know which two are really Jenners, although I can’t tell one Jenner from the other. And I say this as someone who gets annoyed that none of my distant relatives or parents’ friends can tell me apart from my sister. So anyway, here are both Jenners and Khloe Kardashian (the one I can identify). They are wearing outfits I would hate sweating in. The far left Jenner will have some rough tan lines this week. I am very happy to see that they’re all confirming that ankle booties are still in though!

Florence Welch

Florence Welch sported the most badass accessory of the festival: a freshly broken foot. She fractured it leaping off stage, but carried on like the, well, machine that she is. Aside from the foot, she kept things loose and light-colored, perfect for a festival that, as we’ve said, seems really uncomfy to both of us.

FKA Twigs

Between this and the Jenner, I guess the in thing is dressing like Princess Leia when she was enslaved by Jabba the Hutt. Twigs is so pretty, though. Better her than me, having to represent this trend. Bless.She also wore this, which is interesting and probably lovely, but I can’t find a clear picture of it. Sculpted baby hairs haven’t been this in since the late 90s.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely

This is probably the most ladylike anybody has or will ever look at Coachella.

The Jenners, Again

These gals don’t look bad, per se. They just look like teenagers having fun at Coachella. But man, do I wish those hot pants that look like saggy diapers would go away.

Rihanna

When I was in my early makeup wearing years, I remember reading that you should not match your lipstick or your eyeshadow to your outfit, because that’s tacky. Rihanna probably read that same advice as a youngster, then realized that she’s Rihanna and she is wearing a full-length purple fur coat and she can put whatever the heck she wants on her lips.

Jourdan Dunn

These heavy metallic necklaces are  really making me cringe. Also did Coach just set a bunch of models loose at Coachella with their bags as some sort of viral marketing? Also, do you think I would look more like Jourdan Dunn or Rosie Huntington-Whitely if I were carrying a Coach bag??

Hozier

It’s like they always say. You can take the man out of Ireland… but he’s still going to wear some rumply brown stuff and like 5 layers. Also, Aaron Paul. I’m not sure what his hair is doing, but I don’t really need to know.