So remember a couple months ago when Netflix (pause: I was typing this and a Fuller House commercial legit came on the TV – it’s weird this popular streaming service is advertising on network TV. ANYWAYS) released the first promo for Fuller House? If you don’t, maybe it’s because you blocked it out after CRYING SO MANY UNEXPECTED TEARS.
It was the first look into the new era of a Tanner family, or rather “Fuller” family since that’s DJ’s married name now, and how things have changed since 1995. Specifically, it’s comprised of shots of an empty house, which looks all too familiar and different at the same time. For many of us, this home isn’t just the ‘house that built the tanners’, it’s the ‘house that built me’ as a viewer as well. But of course they can’t keep the exact same set from 20 years ago. It’s TV, things need to updated and shown that time has passed, so in conjunction with our ongoing series Let’s All Decorate, Let’s All RE-Decorate one of America’s most beloved houses and explore its new life in 2016.
The Living Room
THEN:
This living room is arguably one of the most recognizable in TV, and while its architecture is a classic San Francsisco Victorian row house, it was a product on the 1990s inside. In addition to the random decorative tchotchkes (tiny man with trumpet?) the most notable piece is the white and blue plaid couch. It’s been there since the pilot but what’s always been interesting to me is that it seems so small for a house of 9 people and a dog. And no other seating options? Actually if I recall correctly they sometimes had two chairs that weren’t present at all times?
NOW:
I still am unclear whether Danny still lives here (I’m assuming Jesse and Becky and Joey all moved out?), but he probably is the only one since DJ moves back in so easily. That could explain why not much has changed except for the pillows. WHY IS THAT DINGY COUCH STILL THERE??? Wake Up, San Francisco has got to pay you enough to buy a new one.
The Kitchen
THEN:
This kitchen boasts quintessential ’90s decor wood paneling, a matching wood kitchen table, cabinets, and chairs – Danny clearly wanted the seat cushions to match the living room couch.
NOW:
What’s interesting is that most of the kitchen is the same, save for new appliances and the backsplash near the stove, which I’m guessing has more to do with the fact producers wanted to keep the familiarity of the set but make it modern. Like how those seat cushions are the same, but 2016 is apparently the year the Tanners are super into signage (see:’eat’ and ‘home’ pillow on the couch.
D.J. and Stephanie’s/ Stephanie and Michelle’s Room
THEN:
I always thought this room was so cool- it had a bay window AND enough room for a table and chairs! The posters on the wall are always fun to look at and see where we were in this sliver of pop culture. Also Deej’s bed with the metal red frame is extremely 90s, while Steph’s bed looks like Danny got that bedding as a hand-me-down from his mom.
NOW:
Per the trailer, Deej is living back in her old room, but instead of sharing the room with her sister, she’s sharing the room with her baby boy. She’s exchanged the George Michael posters for classier rorschach test-looking art pieces and Mr. Pillow for a plushy owl. Also she has three kids, so there’s that.
Michelle’s/DJ’s Room
THEN:
This room started as baby Michelle’s room, which explains the trend in the ’80s and ’90s of slapping a strip of wallpaper with a repeating pattern on the wall. Here, teddy bears are the theme (which is clearly a musical theme with the guys as well), whereas the one in my old room was a strip featuring a series of jovial clowns that definitely aren’t creepy in 2016.
NOW:
Deej opted to exchange bears for planes, trains and automobiles in her son’s room (so she has two cribs? Or it changes mid-season?). It still has a warm vibe to it like it did before, and her oldest kid will probably come to DJ with a cue card presentation convincing her that he needs to have his own room because he’s too cool and his siblings are annoying and DJ agrees and the oldest and youngest sons switch places.
Jesse’s/Joey’s Room
THEN:
This particular picture is the Joey era of the room, as distinguished by the Marx Brothers and Charlie Chaplin wall posters in the background. JOEY WAS A COMEDIAN, OK?
NOW:
I’m assuming this is Kimmy’s room (she moves in to help DJ), since it’s bright and eccentric just like ostrich-owning Gibbler. In this scene she is literally doing the Hammertime dance because she can’t get out of the 90s. If there was a lava lamp in here next to a rainbow wax mold of her hand with a peace sign, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Joey’s Room/Jesse’s Recording Studio
THEN:
Before Joey more upstairs, he lived in the basement, a fully carpeted and furnished living area that was all his. Again, Charlie Chaplin continues to be an inspiration for Joe, and his lounge furniture a) has a random white design on it and b) easily looks like it could be patio furniture.
NOW:
My best guess is this room is now Stephanie’s living quarters. We still don’t know what she’s been up to all these years, but if this is her room, I’m theorizing she’s a world traveler who teaches yoga, based on the couch threads, possible sombrero on the staircase and Indian-style pillow with an elephant on it. Or she could be like, a 4th grade teacher who’s really into global studies.
Michelle Tanner, fashion maven, is apparently too busy to live in a row house with >10 other people. At least, that’s the party line for why the youngest Tanner will not be appearing on Fuller House. Like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Michelle is a fashion designer living the high life in New York City. Is this really surprising? We’ve already covered Ashley Olsen’s statement that Michelle’s wardrobe was made of cut-down designer pieces. Michelle wore a lot of sunflower hats, giant buttons, and clown sweatshirts, but it was the 80s and 90s. Who are we to say the top designers weren’t going a little overboard on the whimsy?
In the spirit of Michelle Tanner, Fashion Icon, we’re going to look at how the other Tanner girls were dressed back in the day — taking it back to one of our OTHER favorite 90s shows, House of Style.
D.J.
Country Goose D.J.
In 1987, those unfortunate mall bangs and shoulder pads hadn’t trickled down to Donna Jo Margaret Tanner. Deej wore washed-out pastels, simple t-shirts, and comfy sweats. Bangs were decidedly non-teased, and hair was worn long and probably un-permed. Remember when we discussed those weird geese in bonnets that were popular in 80s and 90s home decor? This is how a woman with ‘country geese’ in her house would dress her 11-year-old daughter. There’s nothing here that Candace Cameron (Bure) should find embarrassing: for an 80s kid, she is getting off very easy.
Chunky Sweater D.J.
Let’s call this D.J.’s transitional look. Not the pastel little-girl style of the first season, but not a full-out teeny bopper, either. Chunky knit sweaters weren’t JUST for teachers at Christmastime in the late 80s. It was a way to add some humor and color into those crisp Bay Area winters, I guess.
Woman Of The 80s D.J.
Like most of us, D.J. had some awkward fashion years around middle school. Unlike most of us, D.J.’s character was going through a ’13-year-old Cathy comic’ phase where she was basically a middle-aged woman. Sometime around junior high, Deej started dressing like a high-powered woman of the 80s, except that she was a child. Her hair was permed and teased, as was the style of the time. She wore a lot of vests that she didn’t have to be wearing. There were bright-toned blazers with some very of- the-moment Michael Jackson-style epaulets.
Laura (Kate and) Ashley (Olsen) D.J.
Dainty florals and schoolmarm chic were popular and – am I losing it? – kind of cute for a while. I just looked at these dresses and thought “wow, that is refreshingly age-appropriate,” so don’t worry, if I ever have a daughter she’s definitely gonna hate me when she’s a teenager.
Seattle D.J.
Deej went to high school, got a boyfriend, loosened up, and started wearing flannels. Which, during this particular era, was more universal and not like a subversive Seattle grunge thing.
Mid-90s Seventeen Magazine D.J.
As in, she looks just like the girls in the copies of Seventeen magazine I used to sneak-read when my sister got them in 1995. This was that fun Clueless era when mod accents, A-line silhouettes and athletic influences made teen fashion its own category. Deej favored slouchy faded-wash jeans and bodysuits for casual wear and short but not mini-short skirts when dressing up. Plus Candace Cameron got that cute bob and started to look like a trendy college girl instead of a goofy sitcom kid.
Stephanie
Adorable Moppet Stephanie
In the first few years, when Michelle was strictly in nonspeaking baby territory, Stephanie was the resident cute little kid. And she was GOOD at it: I remember watching reruns with friends in college, and all of us being stunned because little Jodie Sweetin actually had great delivery and timing. Early on, costumers played up the adorable little kid angle. They kept Stephanie in the same pastels and unteased hair as D.J., when at this point in the 80s there were a lot of loud prints and weird bangs going on in the outside world.
Foreman Of The Sass Factory Stephanie
Stephanie got older, and the Full House writers got more and more obsessed with catch phrases. They established Stephanie as the household sass. Jodie Sweetin got to rock a lot more neon patterns and weird prints, plus she got a perm.
Trendy Tween Stephanie
The perm came down and the bangs came up, and it became clear that Stephanie was the cool one in the family. Stephanie really got to shine as the aspiring young hip hop dancer that she was.
Bad Girl Stephanie
By the 7th season, Deej was too much of a 13-year-old Cathy Comic to give her many ‘edgy’ teen storylines (I mean, the time Jesse thought she was drinking and she wasn’t, I guess?). Michelle was now the cute kid. That mean that Stephanie had to be the ‘rebel.’ You can tell because she went to make-out parties, hung out with strange boys at the food court, didn’t practice for the talent show and wore a midriff-baring top.
The Smash Club. Rigby. Ranger Joe. Mr. Egghead. Waaaakkkkee Up! If any of these things sound familiar to you or speak to your soul on a deep level, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the first of an entire week of posts dedicated to beloved 90s sitcom Full House. Each day, we’re covering a different topic on FH, leading up to the premiere of the much-anticipated spin-off, Fuller House, on Friday.
Today, we’re reminiscing about some of the most memorable, crazy, and downright ridiculous plot lines that appeared on the eight seasons of Full House. Back in the day, shows had *full* jam-packed seasons, with 20-26 episodes over the course of about nine months. It’s not like these days when shows have 13-episode seasons. There was a lot of ground to cover and a lot of stories that had to be made up when watching on a TV set was your only option for small screen entertainment, and that meant getting to break stories that would’ve been cut if it were 2016. But, there’s still a lot of quality plot lines covered over the course of the 192 episodes they filmed, and here are just some of our favorites.
Season 1
Episode 11 – The Big 3-0
Danny is turning 30, which is our age, which is horrifying… but more on that later in the week. Okay, so Danny gets a midlife crisis (SHUTUP, MILLER-BOYETT PRODUCTIONS), and in the grand tradition of sitcoms, he also gets a midlife crisis car, Bullet. Jesse tries to buy seat covers for Bullet but accidentally drives it into the bay instead, arriving at the Tanner home with a zombie-car. The next day, Jesse and Joey get into a bidding war over a replacement Bullet, but the bidder on the other end of the phone is Danny.
The entire episode is an origin story for the Tanner’s drive across the bridge in the opening credits.
Episode 13 – Sisterly Love
D.J. has a stellar performance in a school production of the Frog Prince, and Danny scores her an audition for a cereal commercial. Stephanie accidentally swoops in, steals the limelight, and gets cast in the commercial. First of all, if I were DJ I would have been furious, too. Second, as someone who used to act as a kid, this isn’t how auditions work (I still remember my grandma saying “why don’t you bring your cousin to that commercial audition?” Um, how about because she’s NOT INVITED. And doesn’t have headshots or anything. And is cuter than me.) The episode comes to a head with Deej and Steph chasing each other around the table yelling “Stephanie Judith!” “Donna Jo Margaret!” as Steph wears a KILLER dress. I believe this is when we learned the girls’ middle names. Very exciting.
Oat Boats looks like boring, generic mom-approved cereal, anyway.
Season 2
Episode 1 – Cutting It Close
Stephanie accidentally cuts a chunk of Jesse’s treasured hair, which seems like more of a Michelle thing but whatever. On the way back from getting it fixed, Jesse gets into a motorcycle accident, totals his bike and breaks both arms. Although everything that happened to him was horrible, what stands out in my memory is Jesse, both arms outstretched in casts, being a TOTAL DICK to Stephanie, a small motherless child.
Season 3
Episode 11 – Aftershocks
When Stephanie gets really clingy to Danny, nobody can figure out that she’s traumatized because there was an earthquake and Danny was late getting home. The good: they show Stephanie visiting a child psychiatrist, which probably was a great way to normalize that for kids in the 80s. The bad: nobody seems to realize that after losing her mom at a young age, Steph’s maybe going to react poorly when she thinks her dad is in danger.
Also there are kind of a lot of car wreck/ totaled car plots in this show. Keep reading.
Episode 20 – Honey, I Broke the House
Joey gets a brand new car (it’s from 1963) and becomes a hardcore motorhead. Like there was a small nick on it and he went to get touch-up paint to fix it. Unfortunately for him, he was in for quite a nightmare when Stephanie gets behind the driver’s seat when he’s not around and mistakes the ‘R’ on the stick (lever?) for ‘Radio’, and the car goes at a faster speed than it should in reverse (?) and straight into the house. She panics and says she’s leaving for Mexico, obviously, but ends up at Becky’s house. And in one of the most memorable shots from the series, Steph hides from Uncle Jesse by putting herself in a long coat hanging from the door. The reveal of Jesse face to face with Steph is such a classic sitcom move that warms my heart.
Episode 24 – Our Very First Telethon
Danny and Becky are hosting the We Love Our Children telethon, because the organizer of this fundraiser was too lazy to come up with a creative title for the event. Danny makes his kids participate in this 24-hour telethon, and while we get a glimpse of Steph’s dance skills, we also get a glimpse of Deej’s singing AND grocery shopping talents with a song called Lollipops & Gummibears. Is this a real song? Or something especially crafted for two wholesome kids to sing on a family sitcom in 1990? Also, it’s worth noting this ep suggests there is more than one telethon but, guess what we don’t see for the next five seasons? Another telethon.
Season 4
Episode 1 – Greek Week
The Tanners’ Greek relatives visit: Jesse’s grandparents, their great-granddaughter Melina (Olsen twin stunt casting), and some random woman and child who happen to be Jesse and D.J.’s ages. D.J. walks around the table with the Greek boy, then learns that that means that she’s married to him. It’s one of those 90s sitcom moments where they act like countries other than the U.S. are stuck somewhere in the mid-1800s. Luckily, Deej gets a quickie divorce (read: walks backwards around the table.) OPA!
Episode 8 – Shape Up
Kimmy is having a pool party, and since Deej is a 13-year-old Cathy comic she is terrified about showing up in her bathing suit. D.J. grows one of those sitcom-induced 24-hour eating disorders. Things I still remember about this episode after 25 years: Michelle getting to go to that cool kiddie gym in a gymboree-style aerobics outfit; Deej snacking on ice cubes; Michelle cramming wedding cake samples into her mouth like a feral child; D.J. telling Comet that dogs don’t have to wear bathing suits, which is true but that’s because they’re always naked instead; Stephanie blowing a piece of gum out of a recorder in a particularly weak B-story. This episode aired during the interlude between Karen Carpenter and Tracey Gold when eating disorders were cured by a talk about how bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
Season 5
Episode 7 – The Volunteer
D.J. makes an elderly friend who has Alzheimers, even though she’s in junior high, just because that seems like a pretty D.J. thing to do. She breaks her old friend Eddie out of the nursing home and he comes to the Tanner’s house, where he becomes confused and thinks that Deej is his daughter, Gloria. Eddie stays for dinner and is never heard from again. Meanwhile, Steph and Kimmy stage a dog show for all of the dogs in the neighborhood, which is probably why this episode stands out in my memory. So many dogs! Comet does not win, but he does fall in love with another dog (who is also never heard from again).
Episode 16 – Crushed
It’s Steph’s 10th birthday and her one wish is that pop star/teen heartthrob Tommy Page, who is a guest on Wake Up, San Francisco, comes to her party. BTW, Tommy Page is A) a real singer B) Still a real singer and continues to tour! Luckily, Danny’s one step ahead of Steph and surprises her by having him show up and sing a song specifically for her, making her think he likes her back. But then she sees Deej kissing him and the siblings are at war. But like, why is this pop star making out with a rando 15 year old at a 10 year old girl’s party???
Season 6
Episode 14 – Birthday Blues
D.J. and Steve are celebrating their 6 month anniversary, which in high school terms is like their 50th anniversary. Deej is so into Steve that she forgets that it’s Kimmy’s Sweet 16. She throws a makeshift party, and – the only important thing in the episode – makes Kimmy a hash brown and ketchup cake. To this day, I use the hash brown cake as shorthand for forgetting to make plans for someones birthday and throwing together a crappy present or party. D.J. has a dad talk with Danny, then Kimmy has a dad talk with D.J., and everything’s fine.
Episodes 23 & 24 – The House Meets the Mouse, Parts 1 & 2
Season 6 is jam packed with great episodes, but the finale where the entire Tanner clan goes to Disney World has to be one of the most iconic in series’ history. A lot goes on in this ep, but in a nutshell, Jesse and the Rippers are hired to play at show at Disney World and it incidentally coincides with his and Becky’s anniversary, so they decide to go together. But then, because it’s Full House and they are all attached to the hip, the entire extended fam goes. Michelle wins Princess for the Day and Steph is jealous. Danny keeps trying to propose to Vicky. Joey, yet again gets the short end of the stick and is alone visiting the Disney animation studios because ABC/Disney need to have synergy on their programs, and Deej misses Steve so much she hallucinates that he’s basically every Disney character. Including Aladdin, which is weirdly meta since Scott Weinger actually did voice Aladdin IRL. This is such a memorable episode in FH history that even to this day, when I go on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, I think Steve’s going to pop out and surprise me.
Season 7
Episode 5 – Fast Friends
Steph is now in sixth grade with not a lot of friends due to redistricting ala FNL, and she wants to make ‘Fast Friends’. So naturally, she falls into the trope of a group of bad girls, led by Gia aka Marla Sokoloff, who is 2 cool 4 skool, and proves it by smoking in the bathroom. For me, it’s difficult to make fun of this since I understand it’s like a life lesson they want to teach kids watching the show, because now I’m seeing it through the lens of an adult.
Episode 9 The Day of the Rhino
When Michelle and her rag-tag gang of moppets receive paltry little action figures when they were ordering a giant rhino doll, they learn a thing or two about advertising and another thing or two about civic resistance. The kiddos go to Rigby the Rhino’s mall performance and chant “Rigby Is A Ripoff!” Rigby makes it all right by tracking down Michelle at her home, giving her a stuffed toy, and offering replacements to all of the kids who got the ripoff Rigbys.
Next time you read a think piece about how millennials are at once entitled, but also principled and engaged, think of this episode: we’ve been like this since we were 7.
Episode 17 The Last Dance
Papouli, the Tanners’ great-grandfather who the kids have only met one other time, visits and dies. Michelle is devastated because he was supposed to teach Greek dance to her class, but eventually she gathers her resolve and does it herself. As a child I was kind of like, sure it’s sad, but wasn’t Papouli a stranger, more or less? But now that we’re watching through our adult lens, this episode was a good way to introduce the death of a family member in a way that kids could relate to, but that wasn’t as traumatic as, like, killing Joey.
Season 8
Episode 3 – Making Out Is Hard To Do
In a weird parallel universe, Barry Williams, aka Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch, is playing himself and replaces Jesse as the frontman of Jesse and the Rippers. Naturally, Jesse gets a bit jeal, because who wouldn’t be if a ’70s TV star took over your job? Also this is the episode where Steph goes to a make out party (hence the title). When I was watching this, I thought this was a real thing teens did. I showed up to boy/girl parties and was greatly disappointed. Or was I just not invited to the ‘cool’ parties?
Episode 11 – Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen
In the show’s final Christmas episode, Michelle decides she needs to exchange the plastic tie with cup holders on it for a legit present for her dad, and she and Jesse go to the novelty store where she got them from. But the owner, played by Mickey Rooney, is a curmudgeonly old man who refuses to exchange the gift and comes to the conclusion Jess and Michelle are thieves, so he locks them in his store. Otherwise known as holding them hostage. But it’s ok because he’s Mickey Rooney and it turns out he’s just misplacing his anger because he hasn’t seen his daughter and family in years. Jesse and Michelle invite him to have Christmas dinner with the Tanners, and Mickey Rooney dresses up like Santa. The casting of Mickey Rooney was really a coup, since he was is in high demand for TGIF shows in the 90s. JK what was he even doing there.
Welcome to our second installment of our year-long Cheers Chats series, where we travel back in time to revisit one of the most acclaimed and revered sitcoms in history, Cheers. Incidentally, today’s post comes a couple days before we get to see the Cheers cast reunited once again for Must See TV: A Tribute to James Burrows. Or, you may know it as the “Friends reunion” aka five of the six friends got together on a couch (not at Central Perk) to talk about their beloved director Jimmy Burrows. The cast of Cheers sat on the same couch and had a similar conversation about their time on the show with James. At this point, only eight episodes into the first season of Cheers, we’re not as emotionally involved as we are with Friends, a show that shaped our youth. But despite that, we are both greatly enjoying our binge of Cheers a mere 30+ years later, so we’ll check back at the end of the year and freak out about the following reunion at the James Burrows tribute:
Anyways, back to season one. Last time we covered the Pilot, and this time we’re on Season 1, Episode 8: Truce or Consequences (We’re going by this list from AV Club if you’re wondering what our plan of attack is). There is some serious girl power in this ep, so get ready for a lot of Carla and Diane talk.
Episode 1.08: Truce or Consequences
Netflix synopsis: When the constantly bickering Carla and Diane call a truce over drinks, Diane loosens up and professes her desire for a friend.
M: The only friends I can think of are her bookish chum who showed up in the last episode (which made me wonder if, as college educated single ladies, we would have been like Diane and Diane’s Friend in the 80s??), and, of course, Sam.
T: I do find myself trying to figure out which one of the characters I’m most like on this show, and I usually err to the side of Diane. Fantasy: Carla. Reality: Diane.
Chit-Chat Club
(Off-topic Cheers chatter.)
T: I just realized that all of these episodes so far have been bottle episodes, which could be its secret weapon.
M: I think you’re really onto something, and I wonder if this will keep up for the whole series? This also explains why we weren’t interested in it as kids: a group of adults talking in a dark bar every week.
T: Now that we are adults, talking with a group of friends in a dark bar that’s not a nightclub sounds like a dream.
Bahhston Tahhlk
T: Coach says he’s never driven home alone before? The man is like 60 years old. Then Norm offers to let him drive him to Kenmore (which isn’t too far from the Cheers bar) then take a cab back to the bar. This seems ridiculous. I guess that’s the point.
M: Was about to question whether Coach just hangs out at the bar and doesn’t drink, then I remembered that the answer is yes. Because he works there. Shouldn’t some of these people be taking the T, anyway?
T: Yes! They should be taking the T! No one lives in this area except rich people like John Kerry. That’s a fact. When Molly came to visit me in Boston, we stood outside his brownstone and took a pic.
M: I probably don’t even have to say this, but it was 2005.
Carla’s My Boo
T: Carla (under the influence of the Leap Into an Open Grave) starts telling Diane she has a secret, and wants to get it off her chest but doesn’t know if she can trust her. Carla decides to go for it, and the way she’s telling the story makes me think it’s all a joke and she’s gonna yell PSYCHE at the end. She does not. She tells Diane that years ago, Sam got drunk, she drove him home, one thing led to another, and nine months later Sam’s son Gino was born. WHERE IS THE PUNCHLINE.
Carla’s never told anyone. I feel like this is a test. Is Diane even going to remember this?
M: Is Gino Sam’s April Nardini? Because usually they don’t pull that shit in Season One.
“Question: Who is my dad?”
FYI, in an earlier episode Carla says that she gets pregnant if you wink at her so at least they’re keeping her character consistent.
Shut Up, Diane
(We just have a feeling we’re going to be saying Shut Up, Diane at our screens KIND OF A LOT.)
M: Since the pilot, one of my favorite things is the Carla/Diane rivalry. It’s also how I came to start to almost like Diane. Carla said that Diane wasn’t blonde in college, and Diane growled something like “look in the yearbook, Carla. Carla. Look. In the yearbook.” It was like Leslie Knope serving it to Eagleton.
T: They hug and Diane starts singing People because of this moment they’re sharing. I don’t find myself making up with rivals too often, but I can tell you I won’t be singing any Barbra Streisand during the make-up sesh.
M: I was really warming to her, but nope. SHUT UP DIANE is still a necessary Cheers Chats feature.
Also why does Diane act so traumatized by this news? She knows Carla has a bunch of kids with different fathers. File under: Diane is impossibly prissy.
M: Carla told Diane the story knowing she’d blab it everywhere, so basically an entire episode based on the Shut Up, Diane premise.
T: It’s like we wrote her character from start to finish based on the pilot alone.
M: Sam snaps “Stay out of it, Diane” which is a Shut Up, Diane of his own.
Little Ditty About Sam & Diane
T: BTW since the pilot, it’s becoming more clear that Sam & Diane are feelin each other. Like in the way that Sam gets jealous of men interested in Diane and vice versa.
M: Also, these little gestures…. like, Diane playfully unties Sam’s waist apron in lieu of totally doing it with him. Diane. Sam. Do it.
T: Oh Sam comes in to save the day, Diane is passed out in an “Open Grave” drink and he offers to take her home. Carla explains that she “told the biggest lie I could think of and she started to sing!”
T: Diane’s hangover acting is not good. She can’t find the hook on the coat rack. She’s hungover not blind.
T: Diane def remembers the lie Carla told her about Gino and tries to hint to Sam that she knows the secret. COME ON DIANE.
M: Diane: who put my pajamas on? Me: SAM AND DIANE. Do it.
Pour It Up, Pour It Up
(Drinks at the bar)
“We call it ‘Leap Into an Open Grave’ all the liquor some OJ, an egg, blended.” In these ridic glasses. They look like fishbowls you’d try to shoot a ping pong ball into at a carnival.
Say It Again, Sam
(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)
Carla to Diane – “Listen pencil neck, you’re starting to get on my nerves!”
Sam to Diane and Carla: “Two women who hate each other left alone in a room with glass and alcohol.”
Diane to Carla: Let’s have a bottle of wine. I think we have your favorite, Chateau Guam?
Carla to Diane: You hold your secrets like you hold your booze
Women fighting is very unlady like. Unless of course they’re wallowing around in mud pits.
Diane, re: Carla: I reached out to this “little twerp”
Carla: You sound like a lady getting tired of her teeth. (Ed. note: Whenever Carla gets feisty she sounds like one of the mean orphans in Annie.)
Cheers Queries
T: Diane and Carla haven’t been getting along over the past few episodes, I just didn’t realize it was bad enough for them to have a sit down convo?
M: Yeah, I thought they were just being snarky at each other, like it’s their love language.
T: Sam and Carla start hysterically laughing because they both know that Gino is ugly and so is her husband I feel uncomfortable about this. They’re laughing at a seven year old kid because he’s ugly?
M: It’s less bad because they don’t show him. Kind of like Karen’s stepchildren in Will & Grace (or did they show them eventually?)
It is kind of refreshing that Carla can laugh at her own kid being ugly, since the popular thing now is for parents to think their kids are gorgeous even when they’re not. Note: I may just be saying that because Carla’s my boo.
Barfly Fashion
Everyone has great winter sweaters on. It reminds me of the sweaters we had to wear as a uniform in high school.
Carla and her bright red pants
Carla’s shirt with random shapes on it:
Also, all of the women have fluffy Q-tip hair (the bathroom tool, not the rapper/actor).
The Academy Awards are about a week away, which means we’ll know whether or not American Treasure Leonardo DiCaprio will be holding a solid gold man in his hands or the Internet will continue to rage against his injustice of still not getting the Oscar he truly deserves.
Back in 2013, it was our freshman year on the blog and I wrote this following post in honor of my boo’s 39th birthday. It got some traction and became its own viral WordPress sensation, which is ironic since it’s a post all about the Internet. Anyways, a little over two years have passed and I thought it would be appropriate to bring back these Oscar memes for #ThrowbackThursday since unfortunately they still ring true to this day.
Let’s not jinx it, but everyone cross everything on their person and knock on all the wood that Leo’s going home with the gold this year (and that he has a moment with Kate in the process).
On November 11th, 2013, Leonardo Wilhelm DiCaprio turned 39 years of age. 39. That’s one year away from 40. Leo is officially like, an adult. Perhaps the age was jarring because in my mind, he is forever 23 years old. If you do the math (which, I mean, don’t), that brings us to 1997, when he was in Titanic. You guessed it folks – I, like many girls of my generation – was a total Titanic fangirl. I saw it 5 times in the movie theater, purchased every single item of memorabilia (including the script) and wore out tapes 1 & 2 of the VHS copies. In fact, I was so obsessed with Leo himself that I made it a mission to watch every single movie he was in (note to parents: don’t let your 12 year old watch The Basketball Diaries without knowing what it’s about first) and even used the name “Julieta” in Spanish class as an ode to Romeo + Juliet.
Anyways, because I am a Leo fan, I’ve always remembered his birthday, but I never would have imagined he would have a bash like he did on Sunday. Apparently, Leo is a big rap fan, and invited his FRIEND 2 Chainz to perform. Oh yeah, AND Kanye West.
The party at Tao in NYC ended up being a charity event too, because he raised $3 million for his environmental foundation, so all in all not too shabby. But thanks to social media and the internet, there are plenty of videos and pix to make us *almost* feel like we were there.
Then again, Leo has somehow been a constant presence on the internet, despite the man himself being a more reserved and private celebrity. Case in point: Memes.
Just like it’s difficult to find a person who hates Leo IRL, the internet feels the same adoration for him, by making him the subject of many a meme. So to celebrate Leo in all his glorious 39 years of existence, here are some of the greatest viral items of one of the greatest actors of our generation.
Strutting Leo
The one that stands out the most – strutting Leo. Originally taken while he was on set filming Inception, the folks of the interwebz took this comical pic of Leo and Photoshop him into various other scenes.
Inception strutting
bitch what are you doing here strutting
come catch me strutting
thx moses strutting
reaping strutting
Inception Leo
This was taken straight from a scene in Inception where Cobb (Leo) is talking to Robert Fischer (Cillian Murphy), but Leo’s reaction face is what got the internet nerds all in a tizzy.
Rage over Leo’s lack of Oscars
Pretty self explanatory. The Academy hates Leo. The Internet hates the Academy.
because lindsay lohan
Bad Luck Leo
In which Jack Dawson looks happy on the outside, but on the inside, his heart is frozen over.
Poppin ‘n Lockin Leo
If this doesn’t convince you to see Wolf of Wall Street, I don’t know what will
Basically, this was just posted everywhere and anywhere and sometimes in wall form.
In this Very Special Edition of Hamilton Explained, we aren’t explaining lyrics from Hamilton. Instead, we are using Lin-Manuel Miranda’s lyrics to explain a hot topic of the day: the whys and hows of appointing a Supreme Court Justice when one dies, retires, or resigns. Hamilton lyrics are in red and underlined.
A Supreme Court justice is appointed for life. Sort of.
Supreme Court justices are Article III judges – federal judges whose powers and responsibilities are governed by Article III of the U.S. Constitution. The Constitution provides, in relevant part, “[t]he judges, both of the supreme and inferior courts, shall hold their offices during good behaviour.” (U.S. Const., art. III, § 1).
Most justices appointed by Washington died or retired within several years.
John Marshall, a historical figure who deserves a rap musical of his own, was appointed by John Adams (“President John Adams” – Good luck). So was Bushrod Washington, among others. Both served for over 30 years. A precedent was set: Justices were able to serve until death. (For your love, for your praise And I’ll love you till my dying days).
But to be honest, a life term was a bit shorter in the early 1800s. Sure, historical lifespan ranges are skewed by high infant mortality (Every other founding father gets to grow old), but the fact is that starting in the 20th century, justices lived considerably longer. John Adams (sit down John, you fat mother – [BLEEP!]) may not have predicted that. (See, I never thought I’d live past twenty; Where I come from some get half as many.)
Well … I should say that Justices serve for life – if they want – as long as they exemplify “good behaviour” (You keep out of trouble and you double your choices). IRL, only one justice has ever been impeached.
2. There are reasons for the justices to sit on the bench until death, retirement, or resignation.
First of all, this alleviates partisan pressures – Justices don’t have to appease the party that nominated them (don’t let them know what you’re against or what you’re for) or make their decisions based on what will get them elected to, say, a senate seat in the future (if you stand for nothing, Burr, what will you fall for?).
Alexander joins forces with James Madison and John Jay to write a series of essays defending the new United States Constitution, entitled The Federalist Papers. The plan was to write a total of twenty-five essays, the work divided evenly among the three men. In the end, they wrote eighty-five essays, in the span of six months. John Jay got sick after writing five. James Madison wrote twenty-nine. Hamilton wrote the other fifty-one!
… in one essay, Hamilton wrote: “nothing can contribute so much to its firmness and independence as permanency in office”.
When a Supreme Court Justice can make his or her decisions based on their clearest interpretation of the Constitution and judicial precedent, they are (we hope) making decisions that will benefit American law for centuries to come, instead of their own career (What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.)
3. Eventually, some people retire…
If I say goodbye, the nation learns to move on It outlives me when I’m gone
While Washington set the precedent for the two-term limit, we tend to think of Marshall as the originator of the life term for Supreme Court justices, even though that’s not strictly true.
and others die. You have no control: Who lives, who dies, who tells your story … or which Justice dies during your Presidential term, it goes without saying.
4. Let’s take it back to 6th grade: there are three branches of government operating under a system of checks and balances.
I’ve been reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine … which argued against the system of checks and balances. And another thing, Mr. Age of Enlightenment, the drafters of the Constitution (I was chosen for the Constitutional Convention!) had to revisit the philosophies (like Paine’s) that lead them to break from England in order to create a new system of government (If we lay a strong enough foundation, We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you).
The result: a legislative, executive and judicial branch organized under the Constitution and its ever-expanding list of amendments (The constitution’s a mess -So it needs amendments). It’s full of contradictions, So is independence.
Basically all of American government is organized under the mantra of “check yourself before you wreck yourself.” And, the judiciary doesn’t need to tailor its decisions to the whims of the current legislature (My power of speech: unimpeachable).
5. When a vacancy is created by death, resignation, retirement, or impeachment (sorry, Samuel Chase), the President nominates a new Supreme Court Justice.
Despite those tweets you saw from your one Tea Party Uncle, this isn’t at all up for debate and is actually an enumerated power in the Constitution. Your Tea Party Uncle probably claims to be a strict constructionist, so he should love this. “He shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint … Judges of the supreme Court…” (U.S. Const., Art. II).
There’s never been a case where the President has left nomination up to the Senate, nor could he, because again, the President nominating the Supreme Court is legit written in the Constitution (I’d rather be divisive than indecisive).
Other than the President choosing the nominee, there aren’t really any other enumerated requirements. Unlike the President, the Supreme Court justice does not need to have been born on American soil – A place where even orphan immigrants can leave their fingerprints and rise up. Typically a nominee will be trained as a lawyer, and often is a sitting District Court judge.
Another thing: you get love for it. You get hate for it, You get nothing if you… Wait for it, wait for it, wait! Which is to say, the President has ALWAYS said “I am not throwing away my shot” and appointed a new Justice – because we NEED the Judicial branch in America, and I’m not just saying that because it’s my own pet branch of government, but also because the Constitution says that it’s his job.
6. The Legislative branch is responsible for vetting and confirming this Justice.
When it’s time for the Senate Judiciary Committee to hold confirmation hearings, they are typically subject to lobbying from special interest groups and their electors. You cannot discount how influential lobbyists can be: at worst, holding funding over a senator’s head, but at best, educating them on possible implications of their decisions on segments of the U.S. population (No one really knows how the Parties get to yess The pieces that are sacrificed in Ev’ry game of ches We just assume that it happens But no one else is in The room where it happens.)
During the hearings, the nominee is questioned by the Committee (Ask him a question: it glances off, he obfuscates, he dances). They cover the nominee’s basic history (What’s your name, man?) and judicial philosophy (He started retreatin’ and readin’ every treatise on the shelf), but nominees may refuse to answer questions.
The Committee then votes on whether the nominee’s appointment should go to a Senate vote with a positive, negative, or neutral vote. Most disputes die, and no one shoots and also most nominees do go to a vote on the Senate floor.
If they don’t reach a peace, that’s alright. The Senate has only formally rejected 12 nominees after a full confirmation hearing; the last time that happened was in 1987.
But if the Senate DOES fail to confirm, they still don’t get to nominate a candidate because that is the president’s job. (But they don’t have a plan, they just hate mine!)
7. In the meantime, what happens to cases decided by the dead Supreme Court Justice?
While the Senate is twiddling its thumbs and playing pick-up sticks, a slate of pending Supreme Court cases hangs in the balance. So if they’re tempted to drag out the process for political reasons… um… Are these the men with which I am to defend America?
The late Justice does not get a say in future votes, even if he indicated how he was going to vote (Uh… do whatever you want, I’m super dead.) With the number of Supreme Court Justices at an inconvenient eight, any cases with a 4-4 split are bound to the lower courts’ decision. The Court is permitted to continue hearing cases, but most appellees don’t want their cases heard by an even-numbered court – although you can always do what I do: play Fantasy SCOTUS with upcoming cases and predict where the votes will fall. Some cases seem almost guaranteed for an even split; others may be unaffected. The Court may vote to hold over cases that are likely to split 4-4, which is obviously a massive delay in cases that have usually been working their way up the chain for years by the time cert is granted.
8. The Justice is confirmed; America continues.
Supreme Court Justices pledge their careers – literally until death – to upholding the U.S. Constitution and the rule of law as they see it. Death doesn’t discriminate, Between the sinners And the saints It takes and it takes and it takes. And we keep living anyway – the cases approved for this term must be decided. There is no stop-point with justice. Our founding fathers knew it, and we know it – there is no decision that the Court makes on ANY issue that will be its last one. Jurisprudence evolves as our nation does. Carrying on short an Associate Justice is simply not an option.
However, there is a long list of qualified nominees, a President with the express power to appoint one, and a Senate full of politicians who we have elected because they have vowed to approve qualified nominees – and at that time, another Justice will don the robe and continue the work.
America, you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me
I’m accidentally starting a new series for the blog called Things We Need to Revisit, which I kicked off with the Super Bowl 50 earlier this month. Today, we’re talking all about last night’s Grammy Awards, which was filled with highs and lows and Hamilton. All Hamilton all the time. Here are the moments I feel like we need to talk about again today, and yes, Taylor Swift’s maj shade is on the list.
As awards shows are wont to do, stars from that network randomly show up to promote their series in a slick way. It’s the reason why NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J has hosted the show 5 times, and why Gary Sinise star of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders presented the Best Country Album with country singer Cam. And it’s why Shad Moss aka Bow Wow (CSI: Cyber) was chosen to co-host the pre-show with actual reporters from Entertainment Tonight. Approximately 2 minutes before the show started, Shad was in the audience giving viewers a preview of who was in the crowd, but at the 1.30 mark, he excitedly yelled, “The Grammys start now!” … except they didn’t. He attempted to do filler then throw away to the top of the show like two more times, looking at his watch WHICH SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TIME? before they cut away to the ET folks who know how time works. It was awkward and I can’t stop laughing at it.
Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood Take Their Time
Apparently their performance was shat on by a lot of haters online, but I wasn’t paying attention – Carrie is one of my favorite singers and Sam is a smokeshow so this pairing was a GD dream. Plus, the sound system was already fucked up (see: Adele).
Demi was part of an all-star tribute to Lionel Richie, with a medley that included John Legend, Meghan Trainor, Luke Bryan and Tyrese Gibson (?). While John kicked it off with a flawless version of Easy, Demi was a standout in the bunch, mainly because she knocked the socks off of people who have been underestimating her or just don’t know her music. They know her as a former Disney star who went to rehab, and over the past year, Demi’s been out there hustlin’ trying to prove them otherwise. IMO, the new era of her slay-age began with SNL back in October, and with her performance on the Grammys it took her to a whole new level. Demi has never even been to the Grammys before, which was a conscious decision on her part. She didn’t want to go unless she earned it, whether it be being asked to perform or having a nomination (one day), so her debut at the Grammys itself became an epic one with her powerful vocals. And she definitely showed them she was meant to be there.
After performing an a cappella tribute to late Earth, Wind, & Fire star Maurice White with Pentatonix, Stevie was responsible for reading the winner of Song of the Year. He brought out the envelope, which was a bit of a gag since, hey, Stevie’s blind (tell that to 19-year-old me who legit waved to him at TRL). But then he turned it into somewhat of a PSA.
So not everything can go perfectly on live TV, even if you’re Adele. The only difference is that Adele can still make a fucked up instrumental and sound situation seem like NBD. Especially in a huge venue like Staples Center with thousands of screaming fans, it’s imperative for a singer’s earpiece to work, and for the music playing through said earpiece to be on tune. It definitely wasn’t her best performance, and everyone freaked out but ultimately forgave her because she’s Adele. However, she explained later that the piano mics fell on to the piano strings, and that’s what made it sound like a guitar was blaring every other beat and like she was off key. She’s also fine with it because she got In and Out after. Goals.
Sofia Vergara Did A Thing
Believe it or not, Sofia Vergara helped close out the Grammys. Backstory: Pitbull made a surprise appearance at Sofia’s wedding to Joe Manganiello last year by performing a few songs at their reception. I’m assuming to help pay him back, she agreed to dress up as a Taxi and dance around the stage during his performance. So, that happened.
Taylor’s Got It Made In the Shade
If you’ve been following the Kanye drama over the past week (there’s a lot so it’s fair if you haven’t), you know that he name dropped Taylor in his new song Famous. He says, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” Long story short, Kanye isn’t apologizing and Taylor responded for the first time by throwing the most shade to him in her acceptance speech for Album of the Year. Like, if you need to describe to someone what shade is (which I’ve had to do), this speech is the textbook definition of it. PS: Remember the time Taylor thought she won Album of the Year in 2014 because “Red” sounds a lot like “Random Access Memories” by Daft Punk?? STILL FUNNY.
Saved the best for last. While I think Kendrick had the best *awards show performance*, the cast of Hamilton had their own revolutionary performance in a different way. We both had a lot of feelings before the cast performed the opening number, Alexander Hamilton, live from the Richard Rodgers theater in NY, and one of those feelings had to do with the fact that it was the first time the cast has performed a full song on TV. We were going to be in the room where it happens, only if for a few minutes. It was just as beautiful and moving as I had imagined. And of course, to top it all off, they won Best Musical Theater Album (obviously. this category is usually relegated for the pre-telecast!) and Lin didn’t disappoint with yet another acceptance speech rap. That also made me cry. I’ve never been so proud of a group of people I’ve never met before than this cast. WEPAAAA
The 2016 Grammy Awards are tonight – the messy, reckless, unpredictable party of the awards season, where the actual awards take a backseat to the outfits, rivalries, and performances. It’s bound to be the highlight of our Monday nights this year, especially with the amazing slate of nominees. This playlist contains only songs by 2016 Grammy nominees, so listen to it to evaluate the potential winners and get psyched up for tonight’s awards. Then, tune in tonight to witness the awards first hand!
Nominee: Sam Hunt (Best New Artist, Best Country Album)
Song: Take Your Time
Y’all. If you are not acquainted with Sam Hunt yet – GET ON IT NOW. He’s a former college football player-turned-singer/songwriter-turned solo country singing superstar. He’s got so much working for him – he’s got a great voice, he can talk/rap (?) and make it sound cool, his songs are on fiiiire, and he is the most attractive crooning angel in country music. This song is baby makin’ music right here. If you want more, listen to the entire Montevallo album. Speakers. That’s all I’m saying.
Nominee: Disclosure (Best Dance/Electronic Album)
Song: Magnets ft. Lorde
The second I heart Latch by Disclosure & Sam Smith, I was hooked. Their Caracal album is an EDM/pop dream. In Magnets, Lorde brings her seductive/creepy tone to a dope beat that you can’t stop listening to.
Nominee: Kendrick Lamar (Album of the Year, Song of the Year, Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Dance Recording, Best Rap Performance, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, Best Rap Song, Best Rap Album, Best Music Video)
Song: Alright
Kendrick has the most Grammy nominations this year with 11, so chances are he’s going to walk away with one. Or two. Or almost all of them. Kendrick has a way of bringing life into every single song he records, whether it be through the inspiring and moving lyrics or multi-genre-infused instrumentals that prove he’s a true artist. With Alright, this has become not just a song but an anthem for millions, and that is the mark of a music icon.
Nominee: Florence + The Machine (Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Rock Performance, Best Rock Song, Best Recording Package)
Song: Hiding
Florence made us wait four long years before releasing a new album, and it was well worth it. How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful has more of an ethereal vibe to it than her previous records, but I’m not complaining. Hiding is actually a bonus track that happens to be one of my favorite tracks so here it is.
Nominee: Miguel (Best R&B Song, Best Urban Contemporary Album)
Song: coffee
Nothing can top Miguel’s Grammy-winning song Adorn – in fact, topping his amazing 2012 album Kaleidoscope Dream is hard too, but coffee is a strong follow up. It channels the same feels from Adorn, but with a little more flair, and I’m so here for it.
Bonus:
Amy Poehler – Yes Please (the audiobook) because SHE’S GRAMMY NOMINEE, AMY POEHLER. I’ve only read the book and not listened to it, but based on this small clip, I want to give her all the Grammys. And because we’re still obsessed with Hamilton and excited about their performance at the show, I’ll also plug one of the many favorites off the album, Non-Stop. I mean that ending, tho.
Molly’s Picks
Nominee: Hamilton (Best Musical Theatre Album)
Song: Wait For It
There’s no real best or worst tracks from the Hamilton cast recording, because it’s all very, very good. However, Helpless and Wait For It are the two songs that I think stand best on their own – if you aren’t familiar with the musical, don’t like musicals, or are just going to listen to one track instead of taking the whole two-act journey. Both remind me of the best parts of late-90s R&B.
As I write this I realize that Traci will probably pick a song from Hamilton too, but we’re basically a Hamilton blog now so I think that’s appropriate.
Nominee: Alabama Shakes ( Album Of The Year, Best Alternative Music Album, Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical, Grammy Award for Producer of the Year, Non-Classical )
Song: Don’t Wanna Fight
Here’s a moment you realize you’re getting older: an artist appears on Saturday Night Live and you’ve never heard any of their songs. That was me with Alabama Shakes in 2015. I love the old-school Southern rock and bluesy vocals, mixed with a modern synth sound. Not ALL of their songs are exactly my cup of tea, but you can’t deny that they deserve their place with the other nominees.
Nominee: Taylor Swift
Song: I Wish You Would
I’m probably supposed to be embarrassed about this, but I sort of like Taylor Swift. I don’t think her live performances are amazing, but she has a better grasp of how to write a really great pop song than most artists out there – in fact, she was under contract as just a songwriter as a teen. New!Taylor also knows who to partner with: I always thought I Wish You Would had sort of a Haim vibe, but it was actually produced with Jack Antonoff (fun) which works, too.
Nominee: James Bay (Best New Artist, Best Rock Album, Best Rock Song)
Song: Hold Back The River
I think James Bay is really excellent and is sort of this year’s Hozier, not that Hozier is going anywhere. I hope he sticks around for a good while and I really think he will. I have copied and pasted three different songs into this list so you really can’t go wrong with the entire album.
Nominee: Kacey Musgraves (Best Country Album)
Song: Biscuits
Kacey Musgraves is the future of country, and I like it. In a lot of ways she’s a throwback to the sassy, non-P.C. country of Loretta Lynn. Heck, one of Kacey’s early songs includes the lyric “my idea of heaven is to burn one with John Prine.” Other than the release of her album, one of Musgraves’ biggest moments in 2015 was performing Follow Your Arrow at an NPR Tiny Desk Concert the day the marriage equality decision came down. I don’t think Pageant Material got as much radio play as it maybe should have on country stations, but it didn’t go overlooked at the Grammys.
It’s Anna Howard Shaw DaySingle’s Awareness Day Valentine’s Day this Sunday, which means a few things:
Single folks are ignoring the holiday by drowning in alcohol
Those with significant others are forced to talk to each other at some kind of romantic outing
Kids are handing out paper valentines and candy to brown paper bags taped to desks at school
But what happens when single and taken adults want to hand out paper valentines to their friends IRL? They create memes that look like old school valentines using their favorite fictional characters and comic sans and post it on the World Wide Web. This time of year is one of my favorites to monitor on the Internet to see what kind of kooky things people come up with. Here are some of the best fandom valentines from the Internet’s virtual brown paper bag. Consider it our gift to you.
after years circulating online, maybe this will be the year this card becomes irrelevant.
just because bill nye was part of your childhood doesn’t mean he doesn’t have sex. or is a badass.
paula’s cutting down with the unsalted butter
history isn’t the only thing that has its eyes on you, AMIRITE
Happy Valentine’s Day season, I guess! Valentine’s Day falls into one of my favorite holiday subcategories: a Snack Holiday. A Snack Holiday is almost a normal day, except there are themed snack foods. Snack Holidays don’t require gift exchanges or elaborate meals, which are entirely optional. Other Snack Holidays include Halloween, Fat Tuesday, St. Patrick’s Day, and maybe Lincoln’s Birthday if you swing it right. Snack Holidays are closely related to, and sometimes overlap with, drinking holidays: Mardis Gras (Fat Tuesday + booze), Independence Day, St. Patrick’s Day. I love them all!
You may be thinking that Valentine’s Day is NOT a Snack Holiday because presents and fancy meals are obligatory. However, except for a few couples I know, most people leave these big celebrations behind in their early twenties. You wouldn’t think so, but it’s actually pretty great being single on Valentine’s Day in your late 20s. Most of your friends who are dating, engaged, or married have been together so long that they aren’t into big, amateurish displays of affection. Most of them are spending the holiday ordering a pizza and seeing if there’s anything good on Netflix. Yes, except for a brief interlude from the ages of, say, 15 to 25, V-Day is a Snack Holiday we can all enjoy.
For those of us who grew up in the 90s, our concept of Valentine’s Day as a Snack Holiday was established in our classroom parties. So in this holiday edition of Let’s All Decorate, let’s take it back and decorate that classroom, why don’t we?
Beanie Babies
In the height of the Beanie Baby craze, there’s a good chance your teacher displayed seasonal Beanies on her crowded desk, probably next to the cold cup of teacher’s lounge coffee. It was one of the few attempts at teacher coolness that actually sort of worked, except that you gave her a bit of side-eye for displaying a “rare” holiday Beanie Baby on her desk without a tag protector or clear plastic coffin.
Shoebox Mailboxes
I’m going to go ahead and call this the most highly-anticipated busywork of the year. Sometime before your Valentine party, the teacher would bust out a stash of shoeboxes she had saved from every pair of sneakers, loafers and boots that she, her husband, and her children had bought for the past year. “Wasn’t it nice of her to save those JUST FOR YOU?”… Is a thought that never occurred to me as a child because children are selfish little dirtbags. You would cover the shoebox in plain paper, then decorate with stickers, crayons, and if your teacher was exceptionally chill about classroom mess, some glitter.
The mailboxes served a triple purpose of keeping the Valentines neater than they’d have been in a pile on your desk, concealing who received which Valentine (although you had to give one to every kid, so whatever), and filling up a solid half hour of post-lunch time on a day when kids are bouncing off the walls.
Note: if your teacher’s children didn’t go through as many shoes that year, you may have decorated manila envelopes that you taped off the edge of your desk, instead.
A Bulletin Board Or Door Display Where Every Kid’s Name Appears On A Heart
Sounds really specific, right? But these were actually universal as chicken pox (Stuff 90s Kids Remember: Chicken Pox). Things have gone more high-tech now, but back in the day teachers used to spend a ton of time cutting out construction paper shapes and writing all of the kids’ names on them. How do I know? My mom was a teacher in my school… and she outsourced a lot of it to me. I stapled a whole lot of solid construction paper backgrounds and bulletin board borders in my youth.
For teachers’ sake, I shudder to think what the Pinterest Industrial Complex has done to V-Day bulletin boards.
For a true 90s experience, names should be: Justin, Ashley L., Ashley B., Matthew, Jessica, Sarah, Dave, Katie, Chris, Kristin, and Kevin.
An Art Project Where Things Are Made Out Of Hearts
A tree made out of hearts, a bee made out of hearts; a dog made out of hearts, a frog made out of hearts; a wiggly heart-shaped creature made out of hearts. The heart is a versatile shape, and nobody knew that quite like the elementary school teachers of the 90s. There was probably a wall somewhere during that party that was decorated with the childrens’ heart-shaped crafts. Gotta develop those fine motor skills!
Tissue Paper Suncatchers
Yet another example of letting the kids decorate for their own darn party, if it was Valentine’s Day, and it was 1993, and you were 7, there’s an excellent possibility that these were hanging in your window filtering those February afternoon sunbeams.
TREATS TREATS TREATS TREATS
The above “treats” should be read like the thumping bass of EDM music, because when we were children, Valentine’s Day treats were our molly (although I’ve always really been my own Molly). Favorite V-Day treats in the 90s included, but were not limited to:
Rice Krispy Treats with heart-shaped sprinkles in them – OR cut into the shape of hearts if the mom making them didn’t’ mind waste.
Jell-o Jigglers shaped like hearts, because Bill Cosby meant something different to us then.
Heart-shaped Little Debbie “snack cakes” which were the same as the Christmas-tree shaped ones you had two months before, except that I always suspected that the heart ones were a tad bigger.
Sticky, gummy heart-shaped brownies, also from your friends at Little Debbie, courtesy of a kid whose parents didn’t have time to make anything.
Punch made with fruit juice, Sprite, and sherbet, especially if the party was right at the end of the day and the teacher wouldn’t have to deal with you much longer.
Candy Hearts. Obviously.
Valentines!
This is where you let your interests fly – and Kid Code required that you act cool about what the other kids handed out, not making fun of the kid who picked a movie nobody had liked for two years. A few favorites:
Valentines were a way to let people know that you cared … about Princess Belle. I know some people who still hand them out, but I wish it was still 100% customary. Like this year I’d hand out Hamilton valentines, and last year Parks and Rec was winding down so I probably would have gone with that. And before you say anything: a tumblr meme is not the same.
On this Snack Holiday, I think we should take all of the best parts of those 90s classroom holidays. Enjoy some gross sugary treats, let people know that you love them and also the TGIF show Dinosaurs, do a little crafting, and display that holiday Beanie Baby without the tag protector because it turns out it wasn’t worth anything, anyway.
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Cookies + Sangria 