Saturday Spotlight: Back To TV Week

I hope you’re all having a fantastic Labor Day weekend! Maybe you’re throwing a huge cookout, or participating in a weekend-long kickball tournament, or kicking back with nature at the lake house, or lying out on the beach with some sweet summer jams. Ugh. Thank God that’s all almost over. Yes, it’s Back To TV season already, and we were so excited that we just had to make a week of it:


Live Blog: Emmy Awards 2014

WINNER: Jim Parsons

M: I hope he says “Did I do that?” or whatever the hell his nerd catchphrase is.

T: Ugh. I hope Jim’s pay raise is worth all this. #Bazinga.

M: Ah yes, there it is.

T: I really like when Seth introduces his guests as “my good friend {insert name here}”. He’s good friends with a lot of people, I’ve found.


 

Emmy Awards 2014: Best And Worst Dressed

Lizzy Caplan in Donna Karan Atelier

LIZZY. FREAKING. CAPLAN. I am in love with this look. The cut, the train, the hair, the makeup, everything. Lizzy isn’t exactly one of those actresses you think of when it comes to hitting home runs on the red carpet – mainly because she gets overlooked by ‘bigger celebrities’. But with an Emmy nomination to her name and this home run dress, she won’t be forgotten from now on.


Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Last-Minute Binge Watching Edition

For the dramatically inclined hardcore TV addicts: Scandal

Seasons to catch up on: 3

Next season begins: Thursday, September 25th on ABC

Why you should be watching:

My friends know I’m insane about television, so when they ask me for suggestions as for what to watch next, I always say Scandal. Always. This is mainly for selfish reasons so I can have other people to freak out with when shit goes down on the show. But really, the show itself is really good you guys. If for some reason you don’t know what Scandal’s about (where have you been), the basic plot centers around Olivia Pope (played by the gorgeous and talented Kerry Washington), who is a Washington D.C. fixer. She makes bad situations better, or even makes them go away completely. Oh, small side note is that she’s having an affair with the President. Who’s married. With kids. AND YOU STILL FIND YOURSELF ROOTING FOR THE PEOPLE HAVING THE AFFAIR. But that’s one of the best aspects of the show – the line of right and wrong is always blurred and you don’t know whose side to be on.

Plus the show moves QUICKLY. There are 47 hour-long episodes but they go by super fast (if you binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy like me, I’m convinced Shonda Rhimes puts crack in her eps to make you want to watch one right after the other). Not only time wise, but plot wise too – I have never seen so many things happen in an hour than in Scandal. People die, people lie, people have family members you never knew existed – it’s a lot to take in, but it’s so worth it. Also, you want to catch up (all three seasons are on Netflix instant!) so you can watch live come September. Another great part about watching the show live is live tweeting. Most of the cast tweets live from both coasts every Thursday, which is takes the viewing experience to a whole new level. And if you’re concerned about watching 47 episodes in a month – just know that I watched seasons 1 and 2 of Scandal in 8 days. What’s even more impressive is that that’s not even my best record for binge-watching a series. Side note: I just remembered there’s a site where you can calculate how many hours of your life you’ve spent watching TV, and it’s scary. Unrelatedly, I’m gonna go play outside for the next year.


Fall TV Rookies To Watch

Alfie Enoch, How to Get Away with Murder

Stats

Previous Work: Sherlock, Broadchurch, oh and Harry Potter. All of the movies. BECAUSE HE WAS DEAN FREAKING THOMAS. DEAN THOMAS, Y’ALL!
Why You Should Watch Him: As a British actor, Alfie, sorry, Alfred, grew up doing all the Harry Potter movies and that’s what he became known for around the world. He stayed in his native England and worked on a few projects there, but this is the first time U.S. audiences are seeing him not only with an American accent but as an adult. Also, this show is from Shondaland and I will forever watch anything she creates. This is the show to watch this season.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 10pm beginning on September 25th #TGIT
How to Get Away with Murder Trailer

TV Characters I Need Back In My Life

Drunk Mellie from Scandal

(Spoilers if you haven’t watched S3 yet!)

Oh, Mellie, Mellie, Mellie. If you are taking our advice to catch up on Scandal before the premiere airs, let’s just say that Mellie hasn’t had the easiest go of it for the past, oh, 15 or so years – but why feel those feelings when you can drink them instead? Drunk Mellie is the absolute last person that I would want “not mad, just disappointed” in me, and she does quiet, seething anger at Fitz so well. She also does loud, explosive anger — and sloppy sadness, and giggly goofiness, and calculating creepiness. Last year found Mellie drawing on the White House’s reserves of hooch and her mental and emotional reserves of bad-ass-ishness. Somebody please give Bellamy Young every award ever – or at least a stiff drink. She’s earned both.

TV Characters I Need Back In My Life

There are two reasons to be excited about fall premieres. One is finding out which new shows you will absolutely love (only to find them cancelled three episodes in – seriously, whatever new shows I start watching, DO NOT WATCH THEM. Me watching a new TV show is like seeing a wailing ghost woman on the British moors – it means death is imminent.). The other is returning to your favorite characters again after a long hiatus. It’s like the first day of school, seeing all of those familiar faces after 3 months. These TV characters are what Back To TV week is all about:

Drunk Mellie from Scandal

(Spoilers if you haven’t watched S3 yet!)

Oh, Mellie, Mellie, Mellie. If you are taking our advice to catch up on Scandal before the premiere airs, let’s just say that Mellie hasn’t had the easiest go of it for the past, oh, 15 or so years – but why feel those feelings when you can drink them instead? Drunk Mellie is the absolute last person that I would want “not mad, just disappointed” in me, and she does quiet, seething anger at Fitz so well. She also does loud, explosive anger — and sloppy sadness, and giggly goofiness, and calculating creepiness. Last year found Mellie drawing on the White House’s reserves of hooch and her mental and emotional reserves of bad-ass-ishness. Somebody please give Bellamy Young every award ever – or at least a stiff drink. She’s earned both.

Drunk Uncle from Saturday Night Live

And now for an entirely different kind of drunk – drunk uncle! Everyone has a drunk uncle. If you do not have a drunk uncle, check yourself, because you might be the drunk uncle. The thing is, you get to the end of his rants and you go “hmm… am I crazy, or did that almost make sense?” Like real-life drunk uncles everywhere, Drunk Uncle is confused by and angry with twitter, smart phones, YouTube, tumblr, and pressing 2 for English… everything you love, Drunk Uncle drinks to escape from. Bonus: sometimes he brings along his pals, Meth Nephew and Peter Drunklage. Drunk Uncle is just one of many reasons Bobby Moynihan is an utter delight and a true gem in the current SNL cast.

Tamra from The Mindy Project

Tamra is that coworker who drops random bits of information about herself that you’re shocked hadn’t come up immediately upon meeting her:

She’s a perfect foil to Mindy because, like Dr. Lahiri, she also has supreme self-confidence, and she isn’t afraid to call Dr. L. out when she has to:

 

On one hand, you’re pretty sure a lot of the time she’s just joking around and everyone else misses the point and thinks she’s serious:

But on the other hand, she doesn’t have time to pay attention to every tiny little detail at the office:

As written, this character could be aggravating, but Xosha Roquemore has brilliant timing and delivery and it all just works.

Nick Miller from New Girl

Are you a twenty- or thirty- something who could already be described as “crotchety?” Then Nick Miller’s your guy. Do you have absolutely no patience for people’s ineptitude or ridiculousness, yet somehow end up dealing with it anyway because your friends are (occasionally) inept and ridiculous? Yep. Nick, too. The more Nick hates everything, the more I love him.

 

Like Tamra, this is a character that could be insufferable, but Jake Johnson brings out the lovable in “lovable curmudgeon.”

Gina from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Years ago, after I jaywalked across an intersection, an elderly lawyer turned to me and said “wow, you must be pretty important.” I smiled and said thank you, head in the air and ego boosted by the old guy in tweed who realized that yes, I am important. An hour or so later realized that that was not a compliment. Gina Linetti would have lived her whole life without realizing that wasn’t a compliment, and that is why I love her.

Chelsea Peretti has been on the comedy scene for quite a while now, and I’m so glad this role is giving her the exposure she deserves.

 

The Bravermans on Parenthood

I love these guys. Sure, some of them can only fairly be described as “the worst, ever” (Sydney, a child), but overall it’s such a realistic picture of life in a certain type of mid-sized American family. The dinner scenes with everyone talking at once and the illogistics of getting everyone into one photo are realistic as hell.

Leslie Knope from Parks And Recreation

I could have had a separate entry on this list for almost every character on Parks. From April, who I think secretly loves the whole world, to Worst People In The World, John-Ralphio and Mona Lisa, to avuncular Ron Swanson, to Andy Dwyer Dream Man, there’s not just one reason I’m already getting emotional about the end of this show already – there are about 15 of them. But Leslie Knope ties the whole show together, and I’m just so happy that she exists on T.V. Leslie is driven, kind, cooperative, enthusiastic, and the best friend in the world — all qualities that she displays to a fault. It’s true that we’d love anything that Amy Poehler did, but mark my words, Leslie Knope will be known as one of the best sitcom protagonists of all time. We’re going to miss her when she’s gone but for now, we’re just glad she’s back on our TV screen sometime this fall…ish.

 

 

Fall TV Rookies to Watch

It’s Day 4 of Back to TV Week, and today we’re giving you a handy guide as to who you’re going to be obsessed with for the new TV season. Okay, maybe we won’t make your expectations THAT high, but the following folks are either completely new to TV or have been secondary players for a while and are finally getting their shot at being big time TV stars. So feel free to judge these actors based on the blurbs below before you even see any of their shows, or just watch them when they come on your television sets next month. (Helpful tip: All the folks I chose are from shows I think are worth watching for at least one episode!) Mix and match, trade one for the other, whatever you feel is best for your personal TV viewing. Game on!

Alfie Enoch, How to Get Away with Murder

Stats

Previous Work: Sherlock, Broadchurch, oh and Harry Potter. All of the movies. BECAUSE HE WAS DEAN FREAKING THOMAS. DEAN THOMAS, Y’ALL!
Why You Should Watch Him: As a British actor, Alfie, sorry, Alfred, grew up doing all the Harry Potter movies and that’s what he became known for around the world. He stayed in his native England and worked on a few projects there, but this is the first time U.S. audiences are seeing him not only with an American accent but as an adult. Also, this show is from Shondaland and I will forever watch anything she creates. This is the show to watch this season.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 10pm beginning on September 25th #TGIT
How to Get Away with Murder Trailer

Nick Jonas, Kingdom

Stats

Previous Work: Hawaii Five-0, Smash, Camp Rock, Jonas, Jonas L.A., the hot Jonas Brother
Why You Should Watch Him: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Nick Jonas is the only Jonas brother worth caring about. Ever since his whole diabetes crusade, dude has gotten JACKED. Like, you’ve seen this Instagram selfie he posted, right? Which makes him perfect for this role as a young MMA fighter who has a ton of promise. Pair him with Matt Lauria from Friday Night Lights/Parenthood, and I’m sold.
When You Can Watch Him: Wednesdays @ 9pm beginning on October 8th on DirecTV’s Audience network
Kingdom Trailer

Joey McIntyre, The McCarthys

Stats

Previous Work: Boston Public, CSI: New York, Psych, New Year’s Eve, the baby of New Kids on the Block
Why You Should Watch Him: Boy banders turn to TV on their down time, apparently. Joey Mac isn’t really stretching his acting ability in this one – he plays a guy from Boston who is obsessed with sports. I know, not a stereotype at all. It’s a traditional mutli-cam sitcom, which means it’s perfect for CBS and moms in middle America. But I mean, for other people too.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 30th on CBS
The McCarthys Trailer

Tone Bell, Bad Judge

Stats

Previous Work: Key and Peele, Whitney, Chelsea Lately
Why You Should Watch Him: Tone plays a bailiff whose name is Tedward. Tedward Mulray. And if the name doesn’t convince you to tune in, you should know that even for a sitcom, he provides excellent comic relief. That’s not a slight to the fab Kate Walsh in the slightest, BTW. In the trailer alone, Tone stands out. If you watch The Mindy Project, he reminds me of the hilarious Tamra, who is ridiculous but will also set you straight.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
Bad Judge Trailer

Sarah Wright, Marry Me

Stats

Previous Work: Mixology, Men at Work, 7th Heaven, Parks and Recreation (Jerry’s daughter Millicent who dated Chris!)
Why You Should Watch Her: I feel like she plays a somewhat innocent straight girl on sitcoms a lot, but that’s because she’s great at it. It’ll be fun to see what her relationship is like with Casey Wilson’s character in this show, and if it goes one for at least more than one season, Sarah is sitting pretty for her TV career.
When You Can Watch Her: Tuesdays @ 9pm beginning on October 14th on NBC
Marry Me Trailer

Karen Gillan, Selfie

Stats

Previous Work: Doctor Who, NTSF:SD:SUV, Guardians of the Galaxy
Why You Should Watch Her: If you watch Doctor who, Karan is no rookie. However if you’re an American who’s not into that kind of stuff, Karen is a fairly unknown to mainstream television. Selfie’s a take on My Fair Lady/Pygmalion and her name is legit Eliza Doolie, and her mentor to make her less social media obsessed/more classy is a guy named Henry, played by John Cho. That’s right nerds, Sulu and Amy Pond are probs going to hook up if the show goes full season. And after seeing the pilot (which you can view online now), it has a good chance of a going all year.
When You Can Watch Her: Tuesdays @ 8pm beginning on September 30th on ABC
Selfie Pilot

Grant Gustin, The Flash

Stats

Previous Work: Glee, 90210
Why You Should Watch Him: He may have been an annoying Warbler from a competing school on Glee, but Grant is full on superhero in the much-talked about The Flash TV series. The CW is really capitalizing on its hottie heroes, and Grant is definitely going to join the ranks of his network pals. Also, bonus; Dawson Leery’s dad is in this show!
When You Can Watch Him: Tuesdays @ 8pm beginning on October 7th on CW
The Flash Trailer

John Mulaney, Mulaney

Stats

Previous Work: Writer on Saturday Night Live (he wrote Stefon sketches!)
Why You Should Watch Him: John Mulaney is mostly known for his stand-up comedy and work on SNL. After a year of his show floating around NBC, it found a home at FOX and now people get to finally see his starring show – and compare him to Jerry Seinfeld. Probably because the first scene in the trailer is him doing stand-up. I just really want him to do well. And I’m not just saying that because he’s a fellow Asian (he’s not).
When You Can Watch Him: Sundays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 5th on FOX
Mulaney Trailer

Ben Feldman, A to Z

Stats

Previous Work: Mad Men, Drop Dead Diva, The Mindy Project
Why You Should Watch Him: Oh Ginsberg. (Mad Men minor spoiler) I always knew you would go crazy one day. His role on Mad Men is completely different than as Andrew on rom-com A to Z. If you saw him on the Mindy Project, he’s much more like that on this new show than Ginsberg. And it’s fantastic.
When You Can Watch Him: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
A to Z Trailer
Cristin Milioti, A to Z

Stats

Previous Work: 30 Rock, The Sopranos, The Wolf of Wall Street, Once The Musical, titular star of How I Met Your Mother
Why You Should Watch Her: Because if anybody deserves support on television, it’s Cristin Milioti. If you watched HIMYM and are on the side of ‘the last 10 minutes of the show didn’t actually happen’, you should watch A to Z. It has the same romantic comedy feel that HIMYM had, but hopefully this won’t end the same way. The pilot is currently available to watch before the premiere in October, and after having built it up so much in my head, I can say that it was worth it. A to Z is definitely on my must watch list this season.
When You Can Watch Her: Thursdays @ 9:30pm beginning on October 2nd on NBC
A to Z Pilot

 

Shows You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Last-Minute Binge Watching Edition

The long, lazy days of summer are winding down, and we couldn’t be more thrilled about it – because it means TV season is upon us! However, there’s enough summer left before premiere week to squeeze in a couple kayaking trips, or finally go on that weekend-long hike, or throw a big outdoor barbeque for all of your friends. Or – better idea! – you can binge watch all of these great shows and be caught up by the time the next season begins. With 1-3 seasons under their belt, these are shows you should be watching – and with a proper binge watching technique, we think they’re shows you can be watching. Let’s make those last weeks of summer count, kids.

 Traci’s Suggestions

For beginner binge-watchers looking for a laughcry: About a Boy

Seasons to catch up on: 1

Next season begins: Tuesday, October 14th on NBC

Why you should be watching:

This NBC sitcom was a mid-season replacement earlier this year (and we also talked about it then too) and only has 13 episodes that are 22 minutes long! About a Boy is based off the 2002 movie starring Hugh Grant, which was based on the 1998 novel by Nick Hornby, but the pilot is the only episode that is like the movie. After that, it’s about the boy, brilliantly played by Benjamin Stockham,, his mom, brilliantly played by Minnie Driver, and the bachelor neighbor who turns out to be the best father figure in the boy’s life, brilliantly played by David Walton. If you like your comedies with a side of crying and a handful of heart, this show’s for you. This show’s also for you if you are a fan of Parenthood or Friday Night Lights, as it has the same tone as those shows, except with a few more jokes. Also it’s by creator/executive producer Jason Katims, who helmed said shows. He really can do nothing wrong.

For the rom-com loving semi-professional TV watchers: The Mindy Project

Seasons to catch up on: 2

Next season begins: Tuesday, September 16th on FOX

Why you should be watching:

Just like a fine wine or Mindy’s alma mater, The Office, this show only gets better with time. With every episode, the writers and actors found their true voice, and by the end of season two, it became not only one of my favorite shows, but it was hard to believe that such a strong series was only in its second season. As the creator, executive producer and star of the show, there’s no doubt that Mindy Kaling’s own voice is all over the series, which is a good thing. To be clear, Mindy doesn’t play herself, she plays a woman named Mindy who is a gynecologist with her own practice. I can’t think of a female in television who is like her – there’s Tina Fey, but she and Mindy have such different comedic styles which are both great in their own ways. While Tina used 30 Rock as an offbeat showcase for her humor, Mindy takes the nuances of her friendships and romances and amplifies them to create a fairly accurate portrait of life as a working single woman in 2014. And for gals like me, I greatly appreciate that there is a minority woman representin’ in a sea of (for lack of a better term) white men in comedy. There are 46 half hour (22 minute) episodes to catch up on before September 16th, but I promise they will go faster than you can say Beyonce Pad Thai (you’ll eventually get that reference).

For the dramatically inclined hardcore TV addicts: Scandal

Seasons to catch up on: 3

Next season begins: Thursday, September 25th on ABC

Why you should be watching:

My friends know I’m insane about television, so when they ask me for suggestions as for what to watch next, I always say Scandal. Always. This is mainly for selfish reasons so I can have other people to freak out with when shit goes down on the show. But really, the show itself is really good you guys. If for some reason you don’t know what Scandal’s about (where have you been), the basic plot centers around Olivia Pope (played by the gorgeous and talented Kerry Washington), who is a Washington D.C. fixer. She makes bad situations better, or even makes them go away completely. Oh, small side note is that she’s having an affair with the President. Who’s married. With kids. AND YOU STILL FIND YOURSELF ROOTING FOR THE PEOPLE HAVING THE AFFAIR. But that’s one of the best aspects of the show – the line of right and wrong is always blurred and you don’t know whose side to be on.

Plus the show moves QUICKLY. There are 47 hour-long episodes but they go by super fast (if you binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy like me, I’m convinced Shonda Rhimes puts crack in her eps to make you want to watch one right after the other). Not only time wise, but plot wise too – I have never seen so many things happen in an hour than in Scandal. People die, people lie, people have family members you never knew existed – it’s a lot to take in, but it’s so worth it. Also, you want to catch up (all three seasons are on Netflix instant!) so you can watch live come September. Another great part about watching the show live is live tweeting. Most of the cast tweets live from both coasts every Thursday, which is takes the viewing experience to a whole new level. And if you’re concerned about watching 47 episodes in a month – just know that I watched seasons 1 and 2 of Scandal in 8 days. What’s even more impressive is that that’s not even my best record for binge-watching a series. Side note: I just remembered there’s a site where you can calculate how many hours of your life you’ve spent watching TV, and it’s scary. Unrelatedly, I’m gonna go play outside for the next year.

Molly’s Suggestions

For displaced comedy nerds: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Seasons to catch up on: 1

Next season begins: Sunday, September 28 on FOX

Why you should be watching:

The Golden Globes got this one right – Brooklyn Nine-Nine is an ensemble workplace comedy with clever writing and a hilarious cast. Despite TV’s love affair with police procedurals and sitcoms about coworkers, it’s also the only combination of the two currently on the small screen. With comedy vets  Andy Samberg, Chelsea Peretti and Joe Lo Truglio, cop show vet Andre Braugher, talented (relative) newcomers Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero, and a former football player just because (Terry Crews), this is a cast with a rapport like people you’d find at an actual workplace. Except, you know, funnier.

If you are a sitcom lover still reeling over the loss of The Office and 30 Rock, and bracing for the end of Parks And Recreation, and kind of confused about what’s going on with Community, this show will fill the hole in your heart and also the one in your TV schedule.

For insomniacs and horror fans who aren’t afraid of the dark: American Horror Story

 Seasons to catch up on: 3 – or zero. We’ll explain.

Next season begins: Wednesday, October 8th on FX

Why you should be watching:

Look. I’m not a horror movie person, really, but this is just good television. Let’s talk about the cast: Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates, Sarah Paulson, Zachary Quinto, Angela Bassett, Dylan McDermott, Connie Britton, Gabourey Sidibe – although not all of them appear in all seasons, some of the best actors of today are on AHS. The whole thing is headed up by Ryan Murphy after he jumped ship from Glee (can you blame him?). And the format – AHS functions like a reperatory company, with actors taking different roles in the different seasons. That means each season tells an entirely different story. They can all be watched independently of each other, so you only have to catch up on as much as you want to.

The seasons are themed. In the past we’ve had Murder House (ghosts!), Asylum (psychological torture!), and Coven (witches!), but the upcoming season will be scariest of all: Freak Show (clowns!). Such is my fear of the circus that I was terrified of my sister’s clown doll for my whole childhood, and one of my brothers would swing open my bedroom door and smile a giant, frozen clown smile while singing that awful circus calliope song. This is going to be full-on spooky.

For escapists with time to spare: Once Upon A Time

Seasons to catch up on: 3

Next season begins: Sunday, September 28 on ABC

Why you should be watching:

I think we all have those people who we trust implicitly when it comes to TV recommendations. Traci is one of mine, by the way, so you should probably watch what she tells you to watch because she always nails it. Another is my sister-in-law. A couple years ago she told me about Once Upon A Time, and I was like “girl … fairy tales? Not sure.”

I started watching a few weeks ago and I am sold. Once Upon A Time is set in Storybrooke, Maine, a town populated by fairy tale characters. The evil queen levied a curse (do you levy curses or did law school just ruin me as a person?) and everybody forgot about their fairy tale past and lived as normal people – until Snow White’s daughter shows up on her 28th birthday and sets the wheels a-turning. Each episode contains a plot line in the present day as the townspeople try to figure out what’s up, and a fairy tale backstory of one of the characters in their former life.

Remember in the TGIF days when each of the ABC shows had an episode set at Disney every year? Once Upon A Time is like the ultimate ABC-Disney tie-in. I mean, don’t worry, Anna and Elsa have already been cast. But it’s not all fluff. Once Upon A Time is the brainchild of the creators of Lost, so there’s a lot of crazy theories you can keep track of, plus a bunch of Lost references.

I just finished season one and I’m not sure if I’ll get through two more in the next month. It’s certainly doable. But if you don’t mind spoiling yourself, you could probably watch season one, select random episodes of the other season to watch, and use Wikipedia for the rest.

 

Emmy Awards 2014: Best & Worst Dressed

Day 2 of our Back to TV Week, and we’re doing a follow up of the biggest night in TV. With another year, another Emmys down, and after capturing all of the shenans that happened last night on our blog (relive the magic here!), we’re giving our two cents on the looks that wowed us and the ones that made us maybe vom in our mouths a little. The trend was definitely red and white, and it makes me think everyone just wanted to pay homage to Game of Thrones and The Red Wedding. Get it? Red? White? Oh boy. Here are our choices for best and worst dressed. What are yours?

Molly’s Picks

Best Dressed

Amy Poehler in Theia

So, we’re all 5’2 here, right? No, just us and Amy Poehler? It’s hard to look like a beautiful shimmering statue when you’re on the shorter side but I think it’s safe to say Amy pulls it off here. I’m glad beachy waves have stuck around for another season because I’m not bored of them yet.

Alllison Williams in Giambattista Valli Couture

You can say that Allison Williams always plays it ind of safe and Disney Princess-y. But you can also say that she knows what works for her and sticks to it – and whenever actresses swing and miss on the red carpet, isn’t it because they failed to do just that?

Michelle Dockery in Rosie Assoulin

I love how this is colorful without being clowny, and young without being silly, and sophisticated without being stuffy. Another actress who knows what works for her and usually sticks with it.

Kiernan Shipka in Antonio Berardi

And on to the most consistently well-dressed actress working today! If this were gown-length it would have been awesome on an adult actress, but the length keeps it young. Hard to believe that Sally Draper will be driving legally before too long.

Lizzy Caplan in Donna Karan Atelier

While I’m trying to have as little overlap as possible on our lists so we can talk about as many dresses as we can – I cannot talk about the best dressed of last night without mentioning Lizzy Caplan. Today, as in Mean Girls, she deserves to be much more well-known than she is, but based on how she looked last night I don’t think that will be a problem for very long.

Honorable mention: Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Carolina Herrera – only not on my list because you’ll get to look at her later on.

Worst Dressed

Lena Dunham in Giambattista Valli

As I said in the live blog, Lena Dunham looks like she would do roller derby here. I think that Lena’s not an unattractive lady (and talented to boot!) but I often wish her clothes would be tailored better and that she’d stand up a bit straighter. Grandma, out.

Katherine Heigl

Grandma, in. Matronly and flesh-colored: not the best combo.

Laura Prepon in Gustavo Cadile

Has this entire summer been a plot to turn Alex Vause fans into Poussey Washington fans? Because it’s working.

Kerry Washington in Prada

I still can’t decide if this is truly among the worst, or just confusing. It looks like two entirely different, non-coordinating dresses at once. I cannot imagine being so beautiful that you can squander a major dress-up event like this on a weird dress because you know you have a whole lifetime of chances to look flawless ahead of you.

Mayim Bialik

A Fox News headline said Mayim wanted to look “hot and holy” – which considering the source, may be the exact opposite of the truth. Mayim’s into modesty, and that’s fine, but I think she could’ve erred a bit more towards the “hot” side of the equation and still been dressed appropriately.

Traci’s Picks

Best Dressed

Lizzy Caplan in Donna Karan Atelier

LIZZY. FREAKING. CAPLAN. I am in love with this look. The cut, the train, the hair, the makeup, everything. Lizzy isn’t exactly one of those actresses you think of when it comes to hitting home runs on the red carpet – mainly because she gets overlooked by ‘bigger celebrities’. But with an Emmy nomination to her name and this home run dress, she won’t be forgotten from now on.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Carolina Herrera

Hi. This woman is 53 years old. Like Lizzy, this entire look from head to toe is perfect. Up close (in pictures, obvs), this dress is a raspberry color, and her simple makeup reflects the same rosy color. Also the straps on the gown are patent leather, and so sick in the back. Definitely Emmy winner worthy.

Taylor Schilling in Zuhair Murad

While Taylor didn’t win, she certainly dressed as if she was going to. The symmetrical jeweled pattern all over the dress are to die and she looks like a fab Greek goddess.

Sarah Hyland in Christian Siriano

Sarah Hyland is usually a ‘meh’ dresser at awards shows for me. Like everything she picks is not horrible, but it’s not the best either. This however is the best thing I’ve ever seen her in. Designed by Project Runway winner Christian Siriano, this crop top matched with a flowing skirt is the perfect young adult look for Sarah, who is 23 IRL but plays like 19 on Modern Family. Again from her perfect bun to her makeup and accessories this is definitely one of the best from the night.

January Jones in Prabal Gurung

Attention ladies: this dress has POCKETS. Also, the skirt makes it look like Betty Draper is floating on air.

Honorable Mentions: Amy Poehler aka Beyonce aka Amy Pueblo in Theia and Anna Chlumsky in Zac Posen

Worst Dressed

Sarah Paulson in Armani Prive

Oh Sarah Paulson. I love you girl but… what? This looks like the top of a Philip Treacy fascinator exploded onto a black gown.

Laura Prepon in Gustavo Cadile

I get that Laura Prepon is a Scientologist (said in hushed tones), but even this is too outer spacey for the Emmys.

Lena Headey  In Rubin Singer

Ok, so this is another example of styling gone wrong. The dress itself is not horrible. It’s a little drab, but okay. But then the shoes look way too clunky on her. And her Pixie hair looks too tussled like she didn’t even try. Also where are the accessories?

Julianne Hough in Dsquared

I don’t understand why such a pretty girl like Julianne Hough usually chooses horrible dresses for awards shows (to her credit, she looked great at the VMAs on Sunday). She needs to get a new stylist because this is just not working. The dress, while it looks like a paper towel draped over her person, is not the WORST thing in the world, but matched with white pumps and messy hair, and a random green clutch, it just doesn’t go together.

Lena Dunham in Giambattista Valli Couture

Lena, Lena, Lena. It’s no surprise she’s on this side of the list. But here’s the thing about this look: A) she’s posing as if she’s doing a cover shoot for like Paper magazine B) The hair. It’s not even the blonde, it’s the cut of it. C) The top looks like something she (or bf Jack Antonoff) would wear, but paired with the skirt it looks a little weird. Something like this is what I think she looks great in, so maybe stay along those lines? Still thing you’re great, Lena.

Live Blog: Emmy Awards 2014

It’s a very exciting day for us because it’s Emmys Day, y’all!! Today is our Super Bowl, and we’re super excited to see what kind of shenanigans go down (on a school night). We’re kicking things off around 8pm EST/5pm PST, so come back and join us! Friendly reminder that we’re too cheap to update and get legit liveblogging technology, so please refresh this page every 5 to 10 minutes for our up-to-the-minute updates! Also, feel free to join us on Twitter as we’ll be updating that too.

If you want to follow along, fill out our handy dandy C+S Emmys ballot by clicking here!!

ALSO: Today also marks the start of our Back to TV Week, which means for the next four days, we’ll be discussing one of our favorite topics – television! As sad as it is to see summer come to an end soon, it also means that our fave shows are coming back and we’ll be talking about that too. So check in all this week, TV nerds!

emmys seth

M: Christina Hendricks is wearing a red sari-inspired dress. Now, I’ve heard my whole life that redheads can’t wear red – and internalized it to the extent that when we used to make fun of my friend’s Hardcore music, my fake lyrics included “I don’t think I look good in red!” But Christina Hendricks does look good in red, obviously. But the real star here is her husband Geoffrey Arend, who has the cutest little face.

Hayden Panettiere is pregnant – with, she says, a girl baby. Her boobs are way the hell out. Hayden’s, that is.

Julie Bowen is wearing a very pretty floral dress. Am I crazy or do some of the flowers look blurred out, like they were witnesses to a mafia crime?

January Jones: you know how bangs make some people look like they’ve entered the same witness protection program as Julie Bowen’s floral dress? That’s what’s going on with January Jones.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, one of my favorite humans, looks amazing in a reddish, hot pink-y dress. Her clutch goes onto the “clutch cam” and that thing is full of finger prints (it’s gold) – so in whatever crime I’m lining up witnesses for, we have some forensic evidence.

Heidi Klum is proving that “intermediate red-pink color” is really the shade of the evening! She’s also proving that next to her, everybody else looks like an actual monster.

Lena Dunham looks like she would do roller derby.

Sarah Silverman just opened her clutch to reveal a vaporizer. All the cool kids are going to be hanging out in the bathroom with Sarah and her vape pen tonight.

Jimmy Fallon gave a shout-out to his wife and baby, who he says love E! Apparently baby Winnie has inherited Jimmy’s ability to have everything be his favorite.

KATE MCKINNON. Unlike in emails from your mother, that caps lock was both intentional and necessary.

Claire Danes: also in red. Givenchy. She looks like a Christmas ornament and that’s a compliment, I freaking love Christmas.

T: Literally said outloud: “OH MY GOD TAYLOR KITSCH” and clutched my heart. Forgot it was a possibility he’d be here. Thanks, The Normal Heart.

M: I don’t understand Kerry Washington’s dress. When I was a kid there used to be an infomercial for The Infinite Dress, which was like 18 different dresses in one. That’s how I feel here. I still want the infinite dress, BTW.

T: POEHLER IS A FREAKING VISION.

M: Did I miss her?? I saw a picture on tumblr but I’ve been switching between E! and NBC.

T: They briefly showed her walking in front of photographers on E!, but alas, no interview. She is wearing all silver like a GD goddess.

M:OK, I did catch that. When I have a day when I feel extra gross looking my mental refrain is always “Ugh, I hardly look like a person.” That’s how I feel about Amy Poehler tonight. But, I mean, in a positive sense. How are you a real person??

So, I have a friend who has face blindness, basically. Like, he didn’t recognize his sister because she changed her hair. Anyway, that’s how I feel tonight. Because first January Jones, now Gwen Stefani. She looks nothing like herself.

Laverne Cox is taking a page from Amy Poehler by not even looking like a person. She looks like an ANGEL. OITNB really cleans up nice.

T: For anyone wondering why this is all going down on a Monday and not Sunday like normal entertainment awards shows, it all has to do with Sunday Night Football in September and the MTV VMAs already booked for last night… a lot of drama. Just like in TV. See what I did there?

M: Oh, I saw.

You know around Christmas or on vacation when people say that there’s “too much excitement” for little kids, like they just can’t handle it? That’s how I feel about the VMAs and The Emmys back to back like this.

T: Amy & Tina responded to “New phone, who dis?” to Seth, which is also something I hope they will text ME one day.

 “That’s right Jesse Pinkman made it. The serial killer on Dexter made it, but your mother didn’t make it kids, good night.” BUT THIS THO. #StillSaltyAboutHIMYM

 M: UGH.

Seth’s analogy between HBO and that one kid who turned out way better than you thought he would is super act. It’s come a long way from Grease 2 and Fraggle Rock.

“Duck Dynasty was the most VCR-taped”.

 T: I was really hoping Amy would give Fred the award but whatever. Ty looked really shocked. Also is the announcer doing the thing where she gives out random facts about the winner? “Ty was raised in Oregon”. Yeah, and “Amy Poehler was born as the second coming of Christ.”

M: “Amy Poehler’s first childhood memory is emerging fully formed from the sea atop an open shell.” Yeah, we’re substituting our own “fun facts” from this point forward.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series

Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Adam Driver, Girls

Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family

Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Fred Armisen, Portlandia

Tony Hale, Veep

 Traci’s Pick: Tony Hale, Veep

As much as I like JTF/Ty Burrell/Modern Family, I’m really glad Tony Hale broke their winning streak. Besides the fact Tony’s hilarious in Veep, I also just want to see what bit he’ll do if he wins this year.

Molly’s Pick: Tony Hale, Veep

Exactly what Traci said.

WINNER: Ty Burrell, Modern Family


M: Yawwwwn. Ty Burrell seems like a very nice man and Modern Family is funny. But this is starting to feel like Cheerios winning Best Cereal. It’s good and all, but isn’t there something else out there by now?

T: Peter Pan looks wicked skinny, no?

M: She does know she doesn’t have to look like an 11 year old boy who lives on an island just yet right? [That was mean. The Emmy Awards would make me either stress-skinny or stress-eat, too.]

Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series

David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik, Episodes

Louis C.K., Louie

Liz Friedman and Jenji Kohan, Orange Is The New Black

Alec Berg, Silicon Valley

Simon Blackwell, Tony Roche, and Armando Iannucci, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie

If this wins, it’s because of this scene right here.

Molly’s Pick: Liz Friedman and Jenji Kohan, Orange Is The New Black.

I’m not even clicking on that link because it makes me cry which I don’t think was the intent.

WINNER: Louis C.K., Louie

 T: … why was Zooey SO EXCITED for Louie to win? Are they secret BFFs??

M: I hope so!  But for an outstandingly written comedy episode that one sure did make me tear up a lot. These categories are getting pretty fuzzy.

T: “One half of the comedy team Guillermo and Kimmel. Please welcome Kimmel.” I legitimately LOLed at this.

“I mean alright alright alright already.” Remember when McConissance talked about Pluto or Venus or whatever at the SAG awards??

M: We probably should have done a prediction for what he would rant about this year.

 Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series

Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory

Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Allison Janney, Mom

Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is The New Black

Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live

Anna Chlumsky, Veep

 Traci’s Pick: Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is The New Black

Since this is the first year for OITNB in the Emmys, I feel like they’ll walk away with at least a few trophies. The brilliant Uzo Aduba (Crazy Eyes) has already won the Guest Actress in a Comedy Series prize, and hopefully Red will follow. Also, if Kate McKinnon wins I will run around my room screaming of happiness.

Molly’s Pick: Anna Chlumsky, Veep.

Sometimes I pretend I’m a Selina but I’m really more of an Amy. I will join you on your victory lap if Kate McKinnon wins. Or Kate Mulgrew, actually. 

WINNER: Allison Janney, Mom

T: Allison Janney – love ya girl, but I didn’t realize that the 90s trend of velour is back in style. I mean I knew it, but I refused to believe it. You know what would make this speech amazing? If she did a version of The Jackal. That’s a little The West Wing ref for you folks.

M: Holy velour. It can stay in 1994 with choker necklaces. Someone wore one at the VMAs (Katy Perry??) and now that the 90s are over, the only people wearing chokers should be teen ghost girls from R.L. Stine books who need them to hold their heads on.

Also, Mom is a show on television, apparently.

T: OH FUCK. This Parenthood promo just made me cry. A 20 SECOND COMMERICIAL.

M Me too, because I somehow didn’t know it was the farewell season?? NO.

T: Unforunately, yes. Parenthood AND Parks ending in one year is basically the end.

M: Shit. Maybe I need to start watching Mom.

I appreciate that the folks at NBC are giving us a countdown until Jimmy Fallon shows up.

T: So this directing win for Gail Mancuso for Modern Family is actually worth it for this speech.

T: Billy! I hope Elena shows up!

M: Like Elf, the Billy On The Street where he goes caroling with Amy Poehler is a Christmas thing that I could watch basically all year for a mood lift.

T: “Goble” OMG I AM CRYING.

M: Billy: “Miss, You’re a lesbian, you’re watching Orange Is The New Black?”

Lady: I am, but I’m not a lesbian.

Oh, ma’am. Your haircut says, at the least, that you entertained the idea in college. 

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series

Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Ricky Gervais, Derek

Matt LeBlanc, Episodes

Don Cheadle, House Of Lies

Louis C.K., Louie

William H. Macy, Shameless

Traci’s Pick: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Just realized 5 out of 6 of these nominees are on cable, which is really interesting for this category. Remember the days of Fraiser and Everybody Loves Raymond? Anyways, I’m just saying Jim because he won last year.

Molly’s Pick: Louis C.K, Louie

This is literally the only show on this list I watch so that’s where my brain is. Also The Big Bang Theory makes me feel icky.

WINNER: Jim Parsons

M: I hope he says “Did I do that?” or whatever the hell his nerd catchphrase is.

T: Ugh. I hope Jim’s pay raise is worth all this. #Bazinga.

M: Ah yes, there it is.

T: I really like when Seth introduces his guests as “my good friend {insert name here}”. He’s good friends with a lot of people, I’ve found.

Ok, I need Jimmy Fallon elaborate on the whole Miley Cyrus homeless teen thing last night at the VMAs bc Jimbo looked mad confused.

M: “Amy Pueblo, Parks And Recreation”

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series

Lena Dunham, Girls

Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly

Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie

Taylor Schilling, Orange Is The New Black

Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Traci’s Pick: Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Just like at the Golden Globes earlier this year, I’m saying Amy just so it’s out there in the universe in hopes she’ll win her first Emmy. If JLD wins, that’s cool too, but come on. Amy.

Molly’s Pick: Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

I’m also using The Secret on this one and picking Poehler. Agreed about JLD.

WINNER: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep 

T: Oh boy. We love Amy, obvs. But JLD always makes her acceptance speeches worth it. (Also I just stood up in hopes that would help Amy Pueblo win)

M: The comedy actress category always gives me a knot in the stomach. I feel like Venus and Serena Williams’ parents must feel.

Outstanding Reality-Competition Program

The Amazing Race

Dancing With The Stars

Project Runway

So You Think You Can Dance

Top Chef

The Voice 

Traci’s Pick: The Voice

My heart will always and forever be with SYTYCD, but I don’t think it ever has a chance of winning. Hopefully I’m proved wrong.

Molly’s Pick: The Voice

Oh God. There are so many categories in this damn awards show.

WINNER:The Amazing Race

T: It’s like an Amazing Race to get up to the stage, amirite?  (SYTYCD WAS ROBBED. YET AGAIN.)

M: Since SYTYCD didn’t win, the absolute only thing I cared about with this category was that Mindy Kaling and John Mulaney presented it.

T: Everything that comes out of Melissa McCarthy’s mouth is pure gold. Everything.

M: This bit is reminding me of the Q and As in the Carol Burnett show. All of my references are things your weird old aunt would say.

T: COLIN! CECILY! FRED!! I WANT TO BE IN THE SNL CORNER!!!

M: New awards show format idea. Just read out the rest of the nominees real quick then let us listen to the SNL corner talk amongst themselves for the next 2 hours.

T: I’m into it.

T: Do you think Larry Kramer is in the corner cursing and on his way back to NY right now?

M: I wish this was the Golden Globes so he and Amy Poehler could just get drunk together and talk about how they deserved to win. 

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Frances Conroy, American Horror Story: Coven

Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven

Angela Bassett, American Horror Story: Coven

Allison Tolman, Fargo

Ellen Burstyn, Flowers In The Attic

Julia Roberts, The Normal Heart

Traci’s Pick: Allison Tolman, Fargo

Allison won the Critics’ Choice Award earlier this year and has been getting a lot of buzz, so I’m voting for her. But Ellen Burstyn always wins…

Molly’s Pick: Allison Tolman, Fargo

Friendly neighborhood reminder that Flowers In The Attic was really, really bad.

WINNER: Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven 

T: No but really, are these “fun facts” about the winner just about where they were born? Is it supposed to be funny?

M Fun fact: Kathy Bates lost a significant sum of money when her husband came home drunk as a pig celebrating and lit a fire on their money. (She’ll always be Molly Brown to me.)

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Colin Hanks, Fargo

Jim Parsons, The Normal Heart

Joe Mantello, The Normal Heart

Alfred Molina, The Normal Heart

Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow

Traci’s Pick: Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

I guess someone from The Normal Heart will walk away with this. Hopefully it will go to Matt Bomer because he was phenomenal and made me cry like a bebe.

Molly’s Pick: Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart

That was a tough call. I hope the votes don’t get split up among the nominees from The Normal Heart.

WINNER: Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow

 T: WHOOOAAAAAA That is a total upset for The Normal Heart. Also, this makes be believe the TV Academy has turned into the Oscars Academy – aka all old white men.

M: Waittt….. so you mean old white men are in charge of something? This changes the whole game…

T: I know, it’s a different group of folks than usual, you know, like the super diverse government with women and minorities.

M: Well, I for one think it’s time we give those crusty old coots a chance.

Doesn’t anyone realize that Normal Heart was really, really good? I mean usually they just assume things on HBO are really, really good without necessarily even watching them.

T: AMYY Honestly always excited when she appears on my television screen.

M: Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson planned their outfits together harder than me, in fifth grade, before a dressdown day. Because why wear street clothes if you can’t wear matching courduroy overalls with your best friend. Or muted jewel tone suits, as the case may be. 

T: I think the sequel to True Detective should be a buddy cop comedy version of the first season with these two fools.

M: Literally every one of our TV ideas has been better than most of what we’re seeing tonight.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing On The Edge

Martin Freeman, Fargo

Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo

Idris Elba, Luther

Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow 

Traci’s Pick: Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

Probably Mark Ruffalo’s best performance ever.

Molly’s Pick: Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart

Although if Idris Elba wins we all get to watch him for a minute or two – so in that case, everyone wins.

Winner: Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow

M: I’ll admit it. I’m probably going to lose any internet cred I ever had. But I’m not in any of the appropriate fandoms to know why Benedict Cumberbatch is so magical. Like I take everyone’s word for it.

T: Yup. agreed. We’re gonna get trolllllssss! Can’t wait.

M: Oh, man. This is going to be worse than that time I wrote about the top scrubs of the tv movie about TLC.

T: IMPORTANT: I FEEL CHEATED OUT OF SEEING IDRIS ELBA IN A TUX.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven

Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven

Helena Bonham Carter, Burton And Taylor

Minnie Driver, Return To Zero

Kristen Wiig, The Spoils Of Babylon

Cicely Tyson, The Trip To Bountiful

Traci’s Pick: Helena Bonham Carter, Burton And Taylor

Honestly, I just want Wiig to win this, but did anyone see The Spoils of Babylon? Especially the Emmy voters?

Molly’s Pick: Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven

Or maybe Jessica Lange? Let’s just take a moment to appreciate how great all of these nominees are. I mean in general. Not in these projects, because I haven’t seen them (except AHS).

WINNER: Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven 

M: Weird Al is making up lyrics to instrumental tv theme songs, and isn’t this something everyone does already? No, just me? I’m also learning that it’s one of those things that’s only entertaining when you’re doing it in front of your tv waiting for a show to start. Not as an awards show segment.

But nice S/O to Claire Danes’ ugly crying!

T: What in the actual fuck is this medley? Remember how much better this was last year with the choreography category? It also feels super out of place. There has been no singing and dancing a la NPH or Jimmy Fallon, so this is coming out of nowhere and doesn’t fall within the tone of Seth’s comedy…

Outstanding Miniseries

American Horror Story: Coven

Bonnie & Clyde

Fargo

Luther

Treme

The White Queen 

Traci’s Pick: Fargo

I’m basing this on the fact this show got a lot of nominations.

Molly’s Pick: Fargo

Yeah, I think critics were really into it. Bonnie & Clyde was OK I guess.

WINNER: Fargo

M: I know I probably should have watched this, but the last time I watched some Minnesota-talking people hang out where it’s cold was Sarah Palin’s Alaska and that was quite enough for me, thanks.

Outstanding Television Movie

Killing Kennedy

Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight

The Normal Heart

Sherlock: His Last Vow

The Trip To Bountiful

 Traci’s Pick: The Normal Heart

Because if you haven’t seen this movie yet, you are missing out on an important piece of American history.

Molly’s Pick: The Normal Heart

Honestly, if The Normal Heart doesn’t win…

WINNER: The Normal Heart

M: Nice work, Old White Guys. Maybe you fellas are going to make it after all. 

Speaking of white guys, Ricky Gervais is here to give us the giggles after we all (read: I) cried a bit for a while there. He reads the speech he would have given, calling out “Joey from Friends” and “Louis from Louie, spelled slightly differently.”

Sarah Silverman wins for writing of a variety special and opens with “wow, this didn’t occur to me!” Me either, Sarah. And I think she’s hilarious, I just didn’t think she’d win. She seems pretty energetic so I think she maybe didn’t hit her vape pen yet, but then she calls us molecules hurtling through the universe or something. But she does it SO MUCH QUICKER than Matthew McConaughey would have.

T: Guys. Sarah Silverman is high right now. Like legit. Like she showed Giuliana Rancic her “liquid pot” vape on the red carpet. Which, I didn’t even know was a thing.

M: Yeah, that’s why all those vaporizer stores keep cropping up. It’s not for the weird flavored tobacco.

T: Guys did you know that Jordan Peele and Chelsea Perretti from Brooklyn Nine-Nine are dating? Just found out the other week.

M: CUTE! And hilarious, probably. I did not know that.

T: Chris Hardwick s/o to internet trolls.

 

M: Is it the center part? Is that why I can’t recognize Gwen Stefani? Or is it because she doesn’t have her posse of creatively dressed young Asian girls? (Does she still have them? Not sure.)

T: It might be the lit’rally thousands of Swarovski crystals hanging from her Versace gown…

Outstanding Variety Series

The Colbert Report

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Real Time With Bill Maher

Saturday Night Live

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Traci’s Pick: The Colbert Report

I don’t think shows besides Colbert and Jon Stewart are allowed to win this category.

Molly’s Pick: The Colbert Report

Yeah, I agree. But I’d love for Fallon to win.

WINNER: The Colbert Report

Photo Aug 25, 9 07 32 PM

T: JIMOTHY. DIDN’T EVEN SEE HIM COME UP. I appreciate that Jimbo and Amy Pueblo keep popping up even though they both aren’t winning tonight.

M: I was looking at my computer and then I was like “wait, a Colbert guy sounds just like Jimmy Fallon… wait a second!”

T: I cannot with Sofia Vergara. Everything she does is hilarious. No one is listening to this Academy guy.

M: Okay, THANKS. I know a lot of people who think she’s over-the-top or schtick-y but she has straight-up Lucille Ball vibes a lot of the time. I love her.

T: YES. Def Luicille Ball vibes. If anyone hasn’t seen her “Cover Girl commercial” with Ellen, watch that now. Or you know, at a commercial.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series

Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Jim Carter, Downton Abbey

Peter Dinklage, Game Of Thrones

Josh Charles, The Good Wife

Mandy Patinkin, Homeland

Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Traci’s Pick: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

AP <3 I just want to see him cry and talk about how much he loves the BB cast and his gorge wife. If anyone else has a chance, it’s Josh Charles (for dying) and Mandy Patinkin (probs for the beard).

Molly’s Pick: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

I don’t watch GoT (yet) but I think Peter Dinklage seems like a real gem, so I wouldn’t mind if he won.

WINNER: Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

M: Do Aaron Paul and Chris Pratt have a secret pact to spread happiness, joy, and belief in true love across the nation? Because it’s working.

T: If they do, it’s the best secret society to ever exist. I’m gonna throw up because I’m excited for you too, Aaron. And to reiterate for the 10 millionth time, the love AP has for his wife is utterly disgusting and amazing and I’m just super jealous.

M: Here is his wife’s foundation that he mentioned. What a couple of dolls.

M: I can’t be sure there’s anyone even left in Hollywood after watching that In Memorium. Man, we lost some good ones this year.

T: Oh boy here we go. Honestly shed more tears during Ryan Murphy’s The Normal Heart speech. Does this make me a horrible person? The Robin Williams, tribute however…

M: Right before it started I was about to write “fortunately, I must have missed the Robin Williams part of the In Memorium so I’m still doing okay.” Damn it.

 T: Guys Cary …F… True Detective director. Ok quick story: after I finished watching True Detective, I looked this guy up and was SO SURPRISED to see how HOT he is (and that he briefly dated Michelle Williams of Dawson’s Creek). But he’s currently sporting some sort of long braid which is… not hot. Speaking of Michelle Williams, the “fun fact” for Cary was that he was a PA on the set of the Destiny’s Child Survivor video. I really can’t tell if these are supposed to be jokey or not.

M: Fun fact: that’s how I do my goddaughter’s hair if it’s a day she’s going to be out playing a lot.

T: I’m sure Cary will be doing a lot of playing/partying tonight.

M: Well then I hope he used the fun glitter hairspray, too. Really keeps things in place on the playground in STYLE. (Hair aside: he’s a looker).

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series

Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Lena Headey, Game Of Thrones

Christine Baranski, The Good Wife

Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

 Traci’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Like OITNB’s winning streak as a new Emmy show, BB’s final season will (hopefully) pick up statues for all involved.

Molly’s Pick: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

Process of elimination pick

Winner: Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad

T: Uh… did Katherine Heigl win an Emmy for Greys?

M: Not sure. Maybe for Roswell? Also I could have sworn she was introduced by the voice of Amy Poehler but I may be losing it like that one Full House episode when D.J. sees Steve everywhere when they go to Disney.

T: Just confirmed – she won Supporting Actress in a Drama Series in 2007. Ugh. I mean she was good, but really? Okay. 

Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series

Vince Gilligan, Breaking Bad

Moira Walley-Beckett, Breaking Bad

David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, Game Of Thrones

Beau Willimon, House Of Cards

Nic Pizzolatto, True Detective 

Traci’s Pick: Moira Walley-Beckett, Breaking Bad

Moira Walley-Beckett wrote Ozymandias, the third to last episode with the showdown in the desert, and probably one of the best hours of television I have ever seen in my life. The ep Vince Gilligan is up for is the series finale, which is also good, but I watched Ozymandias like 3 times, which is saying something, because normal people don’t do this.

Molly’s Pick: Beau Willimon, House Of Cards

I DON’T KNOW OKAY. I hovered my cursor between this, Moira Walley-Beckett & Game Of Thrones for like a full minute.

WINNER: Moira Walley-Beckett 

M: Like, IS that Amy Poehler’s voice, or…? Moira Walley-Beckett does not pull off the phrase “mad skills, yo” very well. She does pull off that dress and writing compelling television, so hey, everyone can’t do everything. 

T: How are we running so late already? Let the woman speak! I blame Weird Al. 

M: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO BLAME WEIRD AL. 

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series

Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Claire Danes, Homeland

Robin Wright, House Of Cards

Lizzy Caplan, Masters of Sex

Kerry Washington, Scandal 

Traci’s Pick: Robin Wright, House Of Cards

I’m over Claire Danes winning. I really, really want Kerry to win, but compared to the other ladies’ shows, Scandal seems like a soap opera. But whatever, Kerry deserves it. So in saying that, it’s going to Robin Wright.

Molly’s Pick: Kerry Washington, Scandal

Who do I think will win? Probably not Kerry Washington. Just so we’re clear, my picks are a hodgepodge of people I want to win and people I predict are most likely to win.

WINNER: Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Photo Aug 25, 9 10 40 PM

T: Bless you Kerry Washington for having the best ‘I didn’t win but I’m so happy for Nurse Hathaway’ face.

M: Everyone’s into this contouring makeup now with the bronzer to show us where your cheeks are or whatever, but in 20 years we’re all going to look back on the 2010s as the time when everyone’s face looked kind of dirty. This goes out to, honestly, most of those lovely, talented actresses in that category.

Mindy knows what I’m talking about.

T: Update: apparently after Aaron Paul gave a shout out to his wife’s nonprofit, the website legitimately crashed. Perfect human. (KindCampaign.com)

M: I know! I went to it to try to link to it when I was posting and kept getting an error message. Great job, buddy! Ugh they really are the perfect couple.

T: Kevin Spacey brought a cane with him tonight. Just FYI.

 M: His bow tie looks like Samantha Parkington’s hairbow. I wonder if the cane is more of a fashion thing or a function thing. 

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Kevin Spacey, House Of Cards

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

Woody Harrelson, True Detective

Matthew McConaughey, True Detective

 Traci’s Pick: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I keep changing my choice for this, so I would be fine if either Bryan or the McConaissance win. If Emmy voters are feeling sentimental this year, it’ll go to Bryan Cranston. If they want to see headlines of Matthew saying ‘Alright Alright Alright’ and saying it’s his year for winning an Oscar AND Emmy within months, it’ll go to him. Or Jeff Daniels could win and ruin everything. This is probably the category to watch for the entire night.

Molly’s Pick: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

I have McConaughey fatigue.

WINNER: Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad 

T: Legit clapping very loudly for BryCran right now (I am by myself. At work.).

I think it’s funny that Jay Leno is supposed to be like this big ‘surprise’ guest. No one cares. Bye Felicia.

Outstanding Comedy Series

The Big Bang Theory

Louie

Modern Family

Orange Is The New Black

Silicon Valley

Veep

Traci’s Pick: Orange Is The New Black

Again, I need a show to break Modern Family’s winning streak.

Molly’s Pick: Orange Is The New Black

I really hope OITNB or Veep wins. Or Louie. I’m so bored of Modern Family winning. And you all know how I feel about The Big Bang Theory.

WINNER: Modern Family

posting this pic, because, kerry.

T: UGH MODERN FAMILY GTFO (I will say that Las Vegas episode was one of the best ever, though).

M: Guys, you don’t have to act surprised. Let’s not Taylor Swift it, here.This cutoff music, though. It makes me want to use that Miss Manners-y expression, “poor planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my part.” If I won one of the biggest awards I wouldn’t cut my speech short because they let Weird Al make shit up for 7 minutes.

Outstanding Drama Series

Breaking Bad

Downton Abbey

Game Of Thrones

House Of Cards

Mad Men

True Detective

Traci’s Pick: Breaking Bad

A well deserved one last hurrah for Walter White and co., please.

Molly’s Pick: Breaking Bad

Downton and Mad Men weren’t at Emmy winner caliber this year, TBH.

WINNER: Breaking Bad

T: YO BITCH THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE JUST STOOD UP FOR A TV SHOW. When does that ever happen? I can tell you when it didn’t happen – when Modern Family won.

M: Yes, but when you have laurels like Modern Family, you rest on them.

So, overall: I was happy with some of the wins, but I have to say that a lot of winners – and frankly, nominees – prove that the Emmy voters are not watching the same tv (or in the same way) as the rest of us.

Can’t win ‘em all, I suppose. Thanks everyone for joining us and tune in tomorrow for our Best/Word Dressed picks and the rest of the week for our TV-themed posts!!

ICYMI: Feelin’ Old at the VMAs

In a few hours, the world will be watching the annual shitshow that is the VMAs. So what will everyone be talking about this year? If you want to feel a little hip to current pop culture, read on…

What to Expect at the VMAs

The 31st annual MTV VMAs are this Sunday, and as the years go on, the older I feel and the less I care about who wins. When I was growing up, I feel like the VMAs was the biggest award show of the year. Like the Oscars for teens, if you will. This might have been partly to do with the fact I was obsessed with BSB and needed them to win every award over ‘N Sync (for the record, this is the third time this week I’ve mentioned BSB. I’m not usually this hardcore). But it was also the days of Courtney Love throwing things, Britney & ‘N Sync performing together, and Diana Ross giving a love tap to Lil Kim’s one boob. Now it’s all about twerking and meat dresses. Ugh I’m starting to sound like Drunk Uncle. But I’m assuming the main reason a lot of people tune in to the VMAs is just to see what ridiculous things could possibly happen. So what’s in store this year? Probably a lot of things that will make you question where your youth went. If you’re thinking of tuning in on Sunday, here’s a few things to look out for so you know what you’re in for.

Girl Power

Everyone’s favorite female Australian rapper whose name sounds like a flower, Iggy Azalea, is tied for Beyonce with the most nominations at eight, and there’s no doubt Iggy will be walking away with at least one of them. It’ll also be a big night for Ariana Grande who is nominated for four VMAs – all of which are for Problem with Iggy. You know who doesn’t have a problem? These two. GET IT??

Already Being Over Taylor Swift’s Pop Phase

Taylor is performing on Sunday, and one can only assume she’ll be debuting her new single Take It Off for the first time live. I already divulged my thoughts about her new pop record, but seeing it in all its glory will take T Swizzle to a whole new level. That level is not necessarily good.

Still Figuring Out Who 5 Seconds of Summer Are

So they’re a real band? They’re not even that cute? But the tweens love them? IDGI.


As a refresher, last year’s VMAs were definitely one for the record books, and here’s why…


 

5 Things You Missed At The VMAs

Missed the VMAs yesterday? Don’t worry, because I got you covered. And it’s probably for the best because there was a good amount of people on the red carpet that I had absolutely NO IDEA who they were. I am old.

Also, before I go into the top moments from the show, can I just share something that’s annoyed me since I started watching this awards show back in the day? WHY is it called the VMAs – as in Video Music Awards? Shouldn’t it be MVAs – Music Video Awards?? Someone from MTV get back to me on that.

Anyways, the storied “VMAs” headed back to NYC and for the first time were held in Brooklyn at Barclay’s Center – aka the place where Jay Z’s basketball team plays. To me, MTV goes hand in hand with New York, probably because of the TRL days, so it’s great that the show was back in the Big Apple.

People are probably going to be talking about things that happened during the show, so here’s a breakdown of the things that went down on Sunday so you can talk to your 20-year-old co-worker/intern about what happened…

5) Amen! Hallelujah! Praise Yeezus

^click for video^

Kanye is on hand (without North or Kimmy K) to sing Blood on the Leaves. He starts off with a red light on his face as he raps into a mic, and then pans out to show just his shadow against this background, and it’s actually really great. Just him performing without all the extra shit. If anyone saw him on Kris Jenner’s show on Friday, he talked about how he went to art school, had three scholarships, and considers himself an artist above anything else. This performance just proved it.

4) Taylor Swift is still an asshat (see here)

So the very first award of the night is for Best Pop Video. Presenting is One Direction, and among the nominees is Selena Gomez. If you haven’t put it together yet, Selena is BFF with Taylor (hence them sitting next to each other) and Taylor used to “date” Harry in 1D (the most famous one with the brown shaggy hair). As 1D was talking, the cameras went to Taylor and Selena, and Taylor said this:

You first.

Selena incidentally won the award, and politely kissed Harry on the cheek.

Later, Taylor won the award for Best Female Video, and said this during her speech:

When winning Best Female Video, Taylor says, “I want to thank the person who inspired this song – who knows exactly who he is – because now I got one of these.”… CUT TO HARRY STYLES LOOKING AWKWARD.

TAYLOR YOU ARE 23 YEARS OLD. GET IT TOGETHER. Even Selena’s over your complaining – look at her face. You always make it look like you’re the victim, but here you are standing in front of the world practically bullying your ex-boyfriend. Just a simple ‘thank you’ would have been sufficient. The girl really needs to learn the art of letting go…

3) Lady Gaga out Gagas Gaga

Gaga opens the show and the very first sight you see of the MTV VMAs is this:

And then this:

 Okay Stefani, you look creepy even for Lady Gaga standards. You look like an extra on a kids’ daytime show like the Teletubbies or something. But if you’re not disturbing by that sort of thing, watch the whole performance.

Oddness aside, I appreciated the fact she kicked off her performance by singing without overproduced beats in the background and just showcasing her voice. But then she broke out into Applause. Through a series of quick on stage costume changes she kind of goes through her discography from Poker Face to Telephone and finally to Artpop. Also all her dancers look like Mike Myers’ Sprockets sketch from SNL.

PS: Another reason to love Gaga despite her odditties – when One Direction won for Song of the Summer, apparently people were booing, and she was not okay with it. She even told the boys themselves.

2) Miley Cyrus twerks with Robin Thicke

click on image for the performance that will damage your brain

First off Vanessa Bayer shows up with her Miley Cyrus impression and it’s the best thing to happen so far (you know, like 20 mintues in). If you wanted more Miley twerking besides that one video of her in a onesie, here it is. Miley’s been toting around this huge stuff bear Boo (like the one in the video), and now the entire stage is filled with bears. Miley breaks out into We Can’t Stop in her furry swimsuit and her mohawk pulled into tiny buns like Gwen Stefani during the Tragic Kingdom days.

Incidentally, this was at the VMAs in 1998

And then she sheds the furry thing off to reveal a bathing nude bikini akin to the girls in the Blurred Lines video, and she begins to twerk on Robin Thicke while they duet on his song. I am uncomfortable, mainly because Hannah Montana should be wearing more clothes and not humping a married man that maybe could be her dad. If Liam hasn’t broken up with her yet, he should now.

But really, the audience reactions were the best. And they were more or less the same.

if your eyes haven’t burned out yet…

Drake bobbin his head, but not being able to actually look at her out of longterm damage

Second hand embarrassment from 1D and high as a kite Rihanna barely understanding what’s happening and if Miley is stealing her moves

Jaden’s face is usually like that, but entirely appropriate for this occasion…

1) Justin Timberlake proves he’s meant to be a solo artist aka *NSYNC reunites

look into JT’s eyes & click the pic for video!

First off, my boy Jimmy Fallon is (fittingly) giving this award to JT. We start off in the lobby and it looks like a love lip dub – and ironically similar to the opening number Jimmy did at the Emmys a few years ago. Basically I just want a posse of dancers to follow me everywhere I go. He then goes into an epic medley of his greatest hits and it is amazing. I had the chance to go to the Legends of Summer tour at Fenway Park in Boston a couple weeks ago, and it was seriously the best concert I’ve ever been to. I think sometimes we forget that JT has so many hits until he sings them in succession and you end up knowing every single word to all his songs. That’s a legend right there. At the VMAs, he spent a minute or two cover a bunch of his hits, making each one seem like its own mini concert.

And then came *NSYNC. Too bad they couldn’t keep that a secret, because it would have been awesome to be surprised when these four other guys joined him on stage. But I get it – they wanted to make sure they got the *NSYNC fans to watch – slash any viewers they could get. Speaking as a Backstreet Boys fan, I even felt like they could’ve been up there longer. But as my friend Meghan (a *NSYNC fan) said, ‘Pretend you hadn’t seen BSB for 10 years. That 90 seconds was well worth it.’ So I suppose the 90 seconds was better than nothing. But at least they came out singing songs I actually liked (Gone, Girlfriend). Chris proved that he should’ve been training for this reunion since the day they broke up because boy needed to keep up with the rest of the group (also, apparently Chris’ trap door failed…). And what was with JC sneaking in a riff at the end? But since JT wasn’t done, the four others went back on their platforms, and slowly descended back down into the pit of being in Justin Timberlake’s shadow.

JT continues his 20 minute medley and the cameras keep showing Taylor Swift singing and dancing in the audience. Okay, so at the Grammys and the CMAs (or country like awards show) they kept doing the same thing and showed TSwift awkwardly dancing. THIS IS A FORMAL PETITION TO START BANNING HER FROM DANCING AT ALL AWARDS SHOWS. NAY, THIS IS A PETITION TO STOP ALL PRODUCERS OF AWARDS SHOWS FROM SHOWING HER IN THE AUDIENCE EVER. I WANT TO SEE AS MUCH JT AS POSSIBLE. GOOD DAY SIR.

Finally it comes to an end and Jim Jam comes back on the stage hyped as ever and legit going to lose his voice from pumping up JT so much. Worth it. Bros <3 JT is as humble as ever, even thanks his boys of *NSYNC for being the reason why he was up there in the first place. “I don’t deserve this ward but i’m not gonna give it back” Fair.

Honorable Mentions

 – Macklemore and Ryan Lewis promote equality with Mary Lambert and Jennifer Hudson. Those harmonies between the ladies tho.

- Katy Perry roars under the Brooklyn Bridge. NGL, I love that song. I felt like I could wrestle a lion after that.

- A collective ‘Who da fuck is that??’ from all the millennials who were tuning in to see the *NSYNC reunion.

Saturday Spotlight: Bad As I Wanna Be

This week’s post wrap-up takes its title and, frankly, inspiration from Dennis Rodman’s seminal 1996 autobiography. Whether it’s bad lyrics, iffy attitude toward America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift (confession: I love her outfits and don’t care who knows it), or time-cutting measures so we have more time to gear up for the VMAs – we are as bad as we wanna be. Which is admittedly somewhat less bad than mid-90s Dennis Rodman.

Playlist Of The Month: Songs With Terrible Lyrics

My Humps – Black Eyed Peas

You could basically choose any Black Eyed Peas song and I assure you there will be at least one stupid line. In this particular song, the offense comes from the word “lumps” – sorry, more specifically, “my lovely lady lumps”. Come on Fergie, you really thought this would be a great way to describe your breasts? Although, you did change your name from Stacey Ferguson to just Fergie, so maybe it’s just in your blood to name things horribly.


 

Taylor Swift’s Ultimate Breakup Song

The reality is that Taylor Swift hasn’t really made a legit country record since her first self-titled one in 2006. If you listen to songs like her very first single, Tim McGraw and Teardrops on My Guitar, you can clearly hear her (Pennsylvania) twang and imagine yourself drinking moonshine on your front porch. But to her credit, there has always been a pop undertone in all her albums. It’s why she’s become such a big superstar and why you hear her songs on Top 40 radio and not just the country music station. But once Taylor came out with that first album, country music embraced her. They really hadn’t had a young, beautiful, talented, humble, mainstream crossover in the genre in a while, and they scooped her up fast. Throughout her seemingly short eight-year career, she’s won 11 Country Music Association Awards, 7 Academy of Country Music Awards and last year, she became only the second person (after Garth Brooks) to win the CMA’s Pinnacle Award, honoring her for her outstanding accomplishments. Like, this was an award that was given to her by 5 big country music superstars, including George Strait, Brad Paisley, and (full circle) Tim McGraw. Some critics pointed out that this was country music’s last ditch effort to convince Taylor to stay in the genre instead of fully crossing over to the other side. ‘Look, Taylor! All these people love you! There are probs about 20 other artists who deserve this more than you, but we don’t want you to go!’ Apparently it didn’t work.

And the CMA didn’t take it lightly either, tweeting (then promptly deleting) this after her big announcement:

Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo

— Country Music Assoc. (@CountryMusic) August 18, 2014


What To Expect At The VMAs

Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda Don’t Want None

If the Television Parents Council or whoever always gets their panties in a bunch over the oversexualizing of celebrities onscreen need something to complain about this year – it will probably be over this. Nicki’s video for Anaconda is already risque, so imagine it on the stage in front of a live audience. Butt. There will be a lot of butt.

Bey Being Bey

The Queen is receiving this year’s Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. If you recall from last year, Justin Timberlake won the same award, with a 15-minute medley of his best songs, including that epic ‘N Sync reunion. So will Bey be able to top it? I believe B is able to do anything she puts her mind to, but it’ll be a close call. If you watch anything from the VMAs, watch this.


Shave Time And Money (It’s The American Way!)

Makeup

Take all of the makeup you actually use on a normal day and put it in one small bag. Sparkly purple eyeliner? The color palette you bought because you saw a tutorial where the girl made her eyes look like a cupcake or whatever? Stash it somewhere else! You don’t need to rifle through all of that on weekdays.  If you’re anything like me, before work you just slap some brown crap on your face and hope for the best.

Honestly if it’s not the color of something you could buy deep-fried off a fast food menu, it’s too much for my face and brain to handle at 6:30 in the morning.

*Time saved: A minute or two, anyway.

Commute

Anyone who has to pay for parking understands the struggle. By parking my car semi-legally in a grocery store lot (I do buy groceries there) and taking the bus, I save over $200 a year over even the very cheapest lot. By “cheapest lot” I mean the one that is a 15-minute walk from work. The last time I was parked there I almost ran over a man who was sleeping in a parking spot dressed like a pile of clothes.

* Time Saved: Between negative 15 and negative 25 minutes. But I get to use that time either reading a book or being forced into conversation by a weirdo who doesn’t understand that an open book on my lap, headphones in my ears, and responding to everything he says with “hmm” or “yeah?” is international language for Don’t Talk To Me, Thanks. As a child I did get my school’s Student of the Month award for Politeness And Respect In Answering Others, so maybe this is partially my fault. Should be ruder.

* Money Saved: Up to $350 a year

Shave Time And Money (It’s The American Way!)

TV viewers launched into a 552-episode Simpsons marathon last night, and in my opinion, this is just the ticket to make late summer a bit cheerier! Everyone is talking about their favorites episodes from the series, and as I’m buried under piles of work during my six-month “busy season” I’m reminded of this little gem:

If  you’re not a video-watcher, sample lyrics include “If you cut every corner, It is really not so bad // Everybody does it, Even Mom and Dad // If nobody sees it, Then nobody gets mad //It’s the American way!”

Now, I don’t advocate doing things poorly … but there are plenty of little ways to shave time and money without sacrificing the end result. But can you really nick both at once? Well, sort of… Sometimes you succeed, and sometimes you strike the balance as poorly as a skinny kid on a seesaw (source: a childhood spent as the skinny kid on the seesaw).

If life is hacking into your time and money, too, try some of these life hacks!


Morning Routine

Makeup

Take all of the makeup you actually use on a normal day and put it in one small bag. Sparkly purple eyeliner? The color palette you bought because you saw a tutorial where the girl made her eyes look like a cupcake or whatever? Stash it somewhere else! You don’t need to rifle through all of that on weekdays.  If you’re anything like me, before work you just slap some brown crap on your face and hope for the best.

Honestly if it’s not the color of something you could buy deep-fried off a fast food menu, it’s too much for my face and brain to handle at 6:30 in the morning.

*Time saved: A minute or two, anyway.

Clothes

Take if from a Catholic school survivor: it’s NICE not to think about what to wear every day. One option is to make your closet look like a cartoon character’s, with rows and rows of the same outfit. The other – dare I say better? – choice is to pick your outfit the night before.

I know this seems obvious, but trying on outfits isn’t even the major time-suck. It’s hanging up all of the discarded clothes later that gets you.

* Time saved: 5 minutes in the morning, plus 5 agonizing minutes hanging clothes at the end of the day (ahem… week).

Breakfast

It only takes a second to pour some cereal or pop some bread in the toaster. Or a Pop Tart, because we’re all adults here and can do what we want. Or a Toaster Strudel, which is a Pop Tart for children who like to pretend that they’re German. But nothing beats a semi-healthy filling breakfast – especially when you made it the night before. My favorites:

Summer fridge oatmeal: equal parts old-fashioned (not instant!) oats, Greek yogurt, and milk, plus fruit or honey or whatever.

Baked eggs: nonstick spray a muffin tin, crack in eggs, bake at 450 until center is set, and store in fridge. Toast an English muffin in the morning, add cheese and you have an instant breakfast sandwich!
* Time saved: Up to 15 minutes

* Money saved: Up to $4.25 on the breakfast sandwich!

Commute

Anyone who has to pay for parking understands the struggle. By parking my car semi-legally in a grocery store lot (I do buy groceries there) and taking the bus, I save over $200 a year over even the very cheapest lot. By “cheapest lot” I mean the one that is a 15-minute walk from work. The last time I was parked there I almost ran over a man who was sleeping in a parking spot dressed like a pile of clothes.

* Time Saved: Between negative 15 and negative 25 minutes. But I get to use that time either reading a book or being forced into conversation by a weirdo who doesn’t understand that an open book on my lap, headphones in my ears, and responding to everything he says with “hmm” or “yeah?” is international language for Don’t Talk To Me, Thanks. As a child I did get my school’s Student of the Month award for Politeness And Respect In Answering Others, so maybe this is partially my fault. Should be ruder.

* Money Saved: Up to $350 a year


At The Office

Spreadsheets

Oh, Lordy. Even the word “spreadsheet” makes my eyes glaze over in boredom. I’ll make it quick. I am SERIOUS about keeping an updated spreadsheet of my deadlines and due dates to combat those “oh my gosh did I remember to do that thing?!” moments. Then, I set corresponding reminders for those dates on my Excel calendar so I don’t miss any, because almost every day is something. The technology is there, guys. We have to use it.

* Time saved: Hours. It takes a long time to create a comprehensive annual spreadsheet, but having all of the necessary information in one spot is completely worth it.

Email

I know everyone’s mileage varies with the work/home split, but spending 5-10 minutes checking my inbox before work can shave major time off of my morning. I can delete anything unnecessary, respond to the quick ones, archive anything that doesn’t require a response, and mentally prioritize the rest. I absolutely hate being blindsided by some major issue right when I get in in the morning. I’d rather be blindsided while I’m eating my oatmeal, so I can talk it over with my good friend from the bus who won’t let me read. [Kidding. I don’t talk to strangers, strangers talk to me.]

* Time saved: It should be a wash, but I think this can save me up to a half hour. It’s so easy to get sidetracked once you’re at your desk.

To-Do Lists

Look. I’ve called a lot of things “my jam” in the past decade or so, but to-do lists might be my main number one jam. The best thing ever is to make a to-do list and leave it on your desk at the end of the day. It leads to a lot less scurrying and brain-wracking in the morning.

* Time Saved: Can we come up with a time version of the word “priceless,” because that’s what this is. Like, the amount of time this saves me cannot be accurately measured.

Vending Machine

When 3:00 calls I turn into an adult baby. Not like the kind I saw on this one TLC special, but in that I’m hungry and cranky and want a nap. It’s definitely tempting to head to the office vending machine, and sometimes that $1 bag of peanut M&Ms makes my day so much nicer that it’s worth it. But you can shave a lot of money by buying snacks and setting up a dedicated snack drawer. Take it from the girls who came across an empty locker in high school, bought a lock for it, and made it our “junk food locker” so we could snack during rehearsals for the musical. Peach rings for DAYS, kids.

*Money saved: Up to $2 a day, depending on what you were snacking on. Plus whatever you buy on purpose at a grocery store is probably healthier than whatever you ransom from food jail (aka the vending machine).


 Groceries

I was lead to believe grocery shopping would be so much more fun.


 Bulk It Up

It takes a bit of comparison shopping, but sometimes you can save a ton of money on things like nuts, oatmeal, even cereal by buying them from the bulk bins. Plus you’re not wasting as much packaging, so even the environment wins here!

*Money saved: Depends on what you’re buying. I save up to $2.00 a pound on raw unsalted almonds! Life is a Ferris Wheel and I’m just waving from the peak, my friends.

Shave Pennies

I wear skirts and dresses all summer, so having fresh razors is important. By the way, I also won Student of the Month for Personal Grooming – twice.^ Whenever I buy razors I get really angry that the refills cost more than the handle itself. This spring I signed up for Dollar Shave Club. I pay $6 a month, get 4 blades, and the product is indistinguishable from the expensive ladies’ razors, except not pink. Which is fine. It looks dignified. As do my non-stubbly legs. Win all around.

* Money saved: Legit $5-15 per every 4 refills.

* Time Saved: one grocery store trip. More if you can’t remember what brand you use and buy the wrong cartridges. Hopeless, I tell ya.

^My third and final Student Of The Month award was for Neatness And Appearance Of Work. Put them all together and I believe I won the Type A Goody-Goody trifecta.

Pretend You’re A Duggar

Sometimes it’s better to shop like the standard American family of 20, even if you’re a single adult – in members-only big-box stores. You don’t want to buy cases of perishable food for one person, but if you have the space you can save a lot of money on paper products and shelf-stable items.

I’ll admit it. I probably do eat as much peanut butter as a family of 20.

*Money saved: up to half off of the grocery store price.

Pet Food

Ah, man’s best friend. Although dogs will eat anything from table scraps to literal poop, I like to feed my pup dog food. Call me old-fashioned. If your dog goes through a lot of food, consider buying the larger, bulk sizes. If you get it from some pet stores, there’s even a loyalty card that will give you a a percentage off every time, and bonus dollars for ever $50 or $100 you spend.

*Money saved: Up to $1 a pound on that mid-range of dog food that makes you feel like you aren’t dooming your dog to kidney disease nor treating it to Black Forest truffles.


 Entertainment

Books

I know, “go to the library” isn’t groundbreaking advice,but if there’s one thing I’m likely to impulse buy, it’s books. I’ve started keeping a note in my phone of books that look like I’d like to read. Hello, everything in the Target book aisle! Middle America, I am you and you are me. Then I check them out at the library. I read most books once, anyway. And then I lend them to people, and get annoyed that they don’t return them –  even though I was never going to reread it.

* Time Saved: However long you would have spend stewing over those unreturned books

*Money saved: probably $10 – 25 per book, less your library late fees if you just can’t get it together.

Cable TV

I think everyone knows about Netflix and Hulu and Roku, but presumably some people are just cable people. I’ll just say that between over-the-air programming, free online tv, and an $8 a month subscription (plus a plug-in device if you’re into it) – you can pay hundreds less than your typical cable package and never miss a show. You can save even more if your parents have an HBOGo account they don’t use because they’re too busy watching Gunsmoke on Me-TV.

* Money saved: $50 – $150, depending on your TV package

* Time saved: Negative two minutes if you insist on trying to save 35 seconds by fast forwarding through a tv show’s theme song on Netflix, overshoot a minute or so into the show, try to rewind, and end up somewhere before the song started. But frankly I don’t think I should have to sit through theme songs. They’re like commercials for the thing I’m already watching.


Are there any corners we’re not cutting yet? Let us know your tricks! As Shary Bobbins would say, “If you cut every corner you’ll have more time for play – It’s the American way!”

What to Expect at the VMAs

The 31st annual MTV VMAs are this Sunday, and as the years go on, the older I feel and the less I care about who wins. When I was growing up, I feel like the VMAs was the biggest award show of the year. Like the Oscars for teens, if you will. This might have been partly to do with the fact I was obsessed with BSB and needed them to win every award over ‘N Sync (for the record, this is the third time this week I’ve mentioned BSB. I’m not usually this hardcore). But it was also the days of Courtney Love throwing things, Britney & ‘N Sync performing together, and Diana Ross giving a love tap to Lil Kim’s one boob. Now it’s all about twerking and meat dresses. Ugh I’m starting to sound like Drunk Uncle. But I’m assuming the main reason a lot of people tune in to the VMAs is just to see what ridiculous things could possibly happen. So what’s in store this year? Probably a lot of things that will make you question where your youth went. If you’re thinking of tuning in on Sunday, here’s a few things to look out for so you know what you’re in for.

Girl Power

Everyone’s favorite female Australian rapper whose name sounds like a flower, Iggy Azalea, is tied for Beyonce with the most nominations at eight, and there’s no doubt Iggy will be walking away with at least one of them. It’ll also be a big night for Ariana Grande who is nominated for four VMAs – all of which are for Problem with Iggy. You know who doesn’t have a problem? These two. GET IT??

Crying, because, Sam Smith

All hail the male Adele! I’ve loved Sam Smith ever since the first time I heard Latch last year, and I’m so glad he’s doing so well for himself. Performing on the VMAs is big for any artist, but when you’re a British nobody one year and 365 days later you’re on stage for one of the most talked about awards shows of the year, it’s a big deal. I’m probs going to cry because I have a soft spot for success stories. Also, I have a lot of feelings.

Something Ice Bucket Challenge Related

Apparently there’s no host for the main show this year, but someone is bound to make some kind of reference to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Perhaps Nicki Minaj challenging Iggy? Demi nominating Taylor Swift? Every celebrity in the audience should just pull out $10 bucks and a giant bucket of ice water should just pour over them from the rafters.

Already Being Over Taylor Swift’s Pop Phase

Taylor is performing on Sunday, and one can only assume she’ll be debuting her new single Take It Off for the first time live. I already divulged my thoughts about her new pop record, but seeing it in all its glory will take T Swizzle to a whole new level. That level is not necessarily good.

Referencing Miley’s Twerking

Miley is officially confirmed to return to the VMAs after her shitshow of a performance last year, because MTV bosses are gluttons for punishment. It doesn’t really matter if she’ll be performing or presenting – either way, Miley is going to make her presence known and make sure you don’t forget it – just like her twerking.

Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda Don’t Want None

If the Television Parents Council or whoever always gets their panties in a bunch over the oversexualizing of celebrities onscreen need something to complain about this year – it will probably be over this. Nicki’s video for Anaconda is already risque, so imagine it on the stage in front of a live audience. Butt. There will be a lot of butt.

Bey Being Bey

The Queen is receiving this year’s Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. If you recall from last year, Justin Timberlake won the same award, with a 15-minute medley of his best songs, including that epic ‘N Sync reunion. So will Bey be able to top it? I believe B is able to do anything she puts her mind to, but it’ll be a close call. If you watch anything from the VMAs, watch this.

Still Figuring Out Who 5 Seconds of Summer Are

So they’re a real band? They’re not even that cute? But the tweens love them? IDGI.