10 Things To Stop Doing With Your Hair By Age 30

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It seems like just yesterday we presented our response to those “30 Things You Need To Stop Wearing By Age 30” articles (our take: it’s time to stop wearing 1/2 of an old locket you were given at birth before being sent to an orphanage). Just when I thought the whole issue was settled, I came across this article helping all us old gals figure out what we have to stop doing with our hair. Ladies, it’s serious. We can’t have braids anymore. Worse yet, I wore one just this week —  looking like a 29-year-old floozy instead of the sedate 31-year-old that I am — because nobody even told me that we can’t have braids anymore. I’d never leave my faithful internet friends in that position, so here it is: 10 things to stop doing with your hair if you’re three decades old.

Hair That You Style Yourself

Are you old enough to remember watching Full House in prime time? That’s totally fine, but you’re going to have to get a puffy roller set once a week that you get re-done every Friday afternoon with all the other Ethels.

An Elaborate Powdered Wig

Good God almighty, Megan, someone’s going to think it’s actually white.

Your Natural Hair Color

When you hit a certain age – and make no mistake, that age is 29 years 364 days – you should probably start dying your hair.

But Also, Unnatural Hair Colors

Okay, you should probably start dying your hair but also you are too old to pull off anything that strays more than one swatch from your natural shade on that hair board your hairdresser has. You might ask why you should bother dying your hair if you’re still using your natural color, but how about you don’t.

Your Own Mom’s Hair Cut, Whatever That Is

Now that you’re old, nobody will be able to tell you apart.

Short Hair

Short hair is for old ladies, so if you have it then everybody will forget to look at your face and assume that you’re old.

But Also, Long Hair

You’re a big woman now, Amy.

Long hair is for young ladies, so if you have it everybody will think you’re trying to look young. The looking young part is great but the trying part is ew. Now that you’re 30 you may have a blunt-cut bob or a blunt-cut lob.

A Tight Bun

We know you have wrinkles, Carly. A tight bun is just going to make you look like that grandma from the Tweety cartoons. Remember Tweety? Of course you do, ya geezer. You watched him at the picture-show after the newsreels.

Any Of Tonya’s Hairstyles In I, Tonya

Even T.Hard has changed her bangs by now.

A Big Bow Like An Edwardian Girl

“Jo Jo Bows” – big floppy bows last seen in photo-essays of mill girls in 1904, then inexplicably popularized by Dance Moms kid Jojo Siwa – are huge with the younger set, AKA actual children. But if you’re an over-30 trying to evoke an Edwardian throwback thing for whatever reason, think more Ruth Dewitt Bukater and less Little Cora. And yes, we threw that reference in for you ol’ sea hags who can remember Titanic’s theatrical release.

 

 

 

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Everything I Remember Buying At Claire’s, 1994 – 1999

Posted in Miscellany, Outfit Girl by

Claire’s has filed for bankruptcy, and my 90s self would be shocked.  Claire’s was a boutique in the loosest sense of the word – it was more like a Toys R Us of tween accessories, and if my niece’s recent purchases of JoJo Siwa bows and unicorn hair extensions are any indication, it still is. Claire’s may be the latest victim of private-equity fund stewardship, but I think they may emerge victorious — after all, no store is better at giving tween girls exactly what it’s told them they want. I was never one of those kids with an allowance or parent-funded spending sprees, so each of my Claire’s purchase was long-coveted. That’s why, in 2018, I can still remember everything I bought at Claire’s during my childhood:

A Heart-Shaped Locket With Nothing In It

The nostalgia machine remembers the 90s in a few ways: bright and neon in the post-80s years, earth-toned and grungy in the middle, and pop-y and futuristic at the end. However, there was also a weird kind of neo-Victorian thing happening if you looked hard enough (see: country geese , Little Women, Titanic mania). Case in point: lockets, which always seemed kind of important and mysterious even if you had nothing to put in them. We can thank Annie and the American Girls Collection for this.

Mood Ring

You always blushed a bit if it landed on In Love. As a cold person with a low heart rate (actually… what do mood rings even measure?), I think the technical term for my mood ring results was Clinical Death.

Sunflower Hat

The sunflower hat was THE must-have accessory when I was in second grade, c. 1994. Different versions were out there but the staple was a denim bucket hat with a yellow sunflower on it. A little bit Michelle Tanner and a little bit Blossom, you could be any middle-class girl from a family sitcom you wanted in this number. The decision to wear it straight versus tilted was hotly debated … in the before-school lineup at Sacred Heart Cathedral School, anyway.

Confession: I scoped out sunflower hats at Claire’s but mine was actually from Bloomingdale’s. It was Quality Millinery, thank you very much.

Scrunchies

They were gentle on your hair and you could buy one in any finish or pattern you wanted. Bring back the scrunchie.

Velvet or Lace Choker (Cameo Optional)

This was the more early-90s choker. Like the locket, it was part of the Interview With A Vampire aesthetic that was totally appropriate and not at all creepy for tiny children to be into.

Fake Tattoo Choker

This was more late 90s, and I only wore it once because I thought it looked cheap.

Which it did.

You could get them from gumball machines.

Fimo Necklaces

Popular in the 1996-1999 range, these necklaces had a nylon cord or stringed beads and a clay ‘hippie’-esque pendant.

In my personal suburban mall, there was a kiosk that sold these and also wizard candles. For the uninitiated, yes, I actually do mean candles that were shaped like an elderly wizard.

A Piercing

Thing 90s Kids Will Remember: getting your ears pierced by a teenager with a piercing gun and trying not to cry because strangers were eating Auntie Anne’s pretzels on a bench 5 feet away. My ear piercing was a First Communion present and it closed up within a few years, so I am in fact the proud owner of TWO Claire’s piercings. You had to search the earring racks specifically for the ones labelled stainless steel or else your ears would start burning. We had fun.

Headbands Headbands Headbands

Soft headbands, hard headbands that would dig into your temples, plush puffy headbands – if there was one constant in my life from 1995 to 1999, it was that my bangs were in a weird place and I needed hair accessories to deal with them. The worst ever, for my particular frizzy hair and iffy hairline, was the stretchy headband with teeth. They never looked good on me but I bought like 5 of them anyway.

I preferred a classic Alice band because I was a goody-goody, obvs.

Embellished Snap Clips

Remember those flat clips that all the gymnasts wore in the 1996 Olympics? Then, remember the teeny tiny version with daisies and stuff on them? You’d wear them right next to your part.

The real theme here is that as a people, we were dealing with a collective weird bangs situation for the better part of the decade.

Butterfly Clips

The last member of the wonky bangs starter pack, the butterfly clip spanned the difference between headbands and hair clips so you didn’t have to choose. I was pretty sure they looked rocking in my hair and in hindsight, I was entirely correct.

Butterfly Everything

Butterflies were so cool in the late 90s, and I’m so grateful that I was only in Junior High or else I definitely would have left the decade with a butterfly tattoo.*

*  I remember my junior high friends and I declaring that we’d totally get butterfly tattoos and belly button piercings when we were old enough. Now I can have as many butterfly tattoos and belly button piercings as I want, and it turns out I want zero.

Pen with marabou poof

You felt like Cher Horowitz until the ink ran out in a week and you were back to your Bics.

See also: gel pens, despised by every teacher I ever had. Now that my eyeballs are three decades old I Get It.

“Retro” “70s” Stuff

Especially during the 1996-1997 school year, 60s and 70s-inspired accessories were all the rage. We’re talking psychedelic colors, daisies, smiley faces, peace signs. The yin yang was pretty big starting in the earlier 90s but I seem to remember it fading out sooner.

I also remember combing my grandparents’ house for 60s-70s stuff during this time, only to find that most bona fide retro accessories were in the pukey oranges, avocados and browns of old appliances. Claire’s all the way.

Puka Shell Nonsense.

As of high school I had been to like 2 beaches and they were in New England, but still.

My Claire’s years mostly ended around 2000, when I started high school. Yesterday, today, and forever, Claire’s was a store that sold the idea of being a cool teenager to 7-13 year olds — not so much a store for real teenagers. Their financial situation may be bleak, but as long as 10-year-olds long to look 17, I think Claire’s will have a place in children’s fashion mistakes for years to come.

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Best Dressed at the 2018 Oscars

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Frances McDormand was thisclose to Cady Herron-ing her Oscars speech, Armie Hammer shot hot dogs at an unsuspecting movie theater-going audience, Kobe Bryant became an Oscar winner, and the La La Land/Moonlight jokes flowed like the tears I had for almost every performance of the nominated Original Songs. But as always, the fashion made headlines too and we’re just another blog adding to the list. Did your faves make the cut?

Molly’s Picks

Lupita Nyong’o in Atelier Versace

Lupita has been one of our favorites since she came onto the scene looking and acting like a modern-day Audrey Hepburn several awards seasons ago. This beaded sash is gorgeous (I love a good sash, but on most people they veer on either the beauty pageant, Grand Duchess, or Michael Jackson side…) and check out the gold sewn into her hair!

Gal Gadot in Givenchy Haute Couture

I’m always a sucker for anything flapper-inspired and this look is all glam and glitter. It’s no mistake that so many of our favorites are gold, silver and champagne-colored. It’s a big night and I love when stars treat it as such. The diamond and aquamarine necklace is so classic that I was surprised it wasn’t vintage.

Mira Sorvino in Ramona Kavenza

It’s cherry blossoms! Mira is making up for lost red carpet time in a stunning way here. Not to start another controversy about dress color – I think we can all agree we shouldn’t go down that road again – but I read this described as blue and I really do not see it. Surely they meant blush?

Margot Robbie in Chanel Haute Couture

Margot’s gown is one of the simplest on our list, but it’s deceptive. Look at the criss-cross layers on the skirt and the wispy feathery detail along the top — it’s a real god is in the details situation.

Gina Rodriguez in Zuhair Murad

Gina always looks stunning on the red carpet because she is always entirely polished without being overdone. Sleek hair, simple but evening-appropriate makeup, and this silvery cloud of a gown all come together to make her look full-Hollywood glam.

Honorable Mention: Rita Moreno in Her Old Dress From 1962

This works on so many levels. Reminding us that Rita Moreno is such an institution that she’s been around for over 55 years of Oscar history; reminding us that Rita Moreno’s dress from 55 years ago still fits (I’ll never feel smug about still fitting into my prom dress again…); reminding us that Rita can somehow pull off showing more skin in her 80s than she did in her 30s. The dress was created in the Philippines from a Japanese obi and it’s as beautiful in 2018 as it was in 1962.

 

Traci’s Picks

Allison Janney in Reem Acra

Allison Janney – sorry – OSCAR WINNER Allison Janney picked the perfect gown to take home the golden trophy. The sleeves, the hair slicked back, the deep V paired with the simple diamond necklace, gives just the right kind of drama that an Oscar winner should display. The only thing we’re disappointed in is that she didn’t do The Jackal at the end of her speech.

Chadwick Boseman in Givenchy

This is how a a king should dress.

Allison Williams in Armani Privé Couture

I always love when an actress goes for straight up Hollywood glamour at the Oscars, and Allison did just that. The beading, the sheer illusion top and the wavy hair all come together to help give Allison the perfect movie star look.

Zoey Deutch in Elie Saab

The Disaster Artist actress (did you know she’s Lea Thompson’s daughter??) wasn’t nominated for anything but still showed up to the party looking fabulous, and I’m into it. In a sea of white, this off-white gown stands out from the crowd.

Emily V. Gordon in J. Mendel

Emily’s dress was old Hollywood and Met Gala combined. I particularly love the velour/velvet crimson belt that added a bit more depth to the whole look.

Honorable Mention: Best Couple – Armie Hammer in Armani Prive Couture and Timothee Chamalet in Berluti

I will never stop shipping them.

2018 Winter Olympics Drinking/ Exercise Game

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There’s nothing like the Winter Olympics to remind you that you are not, in fact, an elite athlete. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun… or work on your fitness. If you’re having a raucous Olympics party, A) invite us and B) feel free to play the drinking game version (responsibly, and without driving, and you can use water). If you’re feeling a little less-than fit watching all of these grade A humans, dip into our exercise game instead!

One Sip OR One Set of Mountain Climbers (* A set is what you say is a set!)

You wouldn’t know what the event was called if they didn’t tell you, but it could be described as going down a mountain.

You wouldn’t know what the event was called if they didn’t tell you, but it could be described as doing tricks on snow.

You wouldn’t know what the event was called if they didn’t tell you, but it could be described as doing tricks on ice.

NBC kindly lets us know about The Grinch, a movie coming out in a year, or Mamma Mia, a movie coming out in some months.

You find yourself trying to do what the athlete just did in your living room (turns out I can only land a single lutz in my socks)

You spy an athlete’s parent or significant other.

You cry.

 

One Huge Gulp OR One Set Of Bicep Curls

An Olympian is tenuously connected to your hometown (e.g., grandparents live there, went to college for a few semesters, etc).

Rachel Platten and/or Fight Song.

Image result for rachel platten olympics

You see the Korean Handmaid Cheerleaders.

Image result for korean cheerleaders

An Olympian has a personal mascot (e.g., Hanyu with Pooh),

Image result for hanyu olympics pooh

An athlete collapses to the earth after finishing.

Johnny Weir’s outfit is extra even for him.

You see the Olympic mascotImage result for pyeongchang mascot

You ship it.

Image result for virtue moir olympics 2018

Take a Shot OR One Set Of Bicycle Crunches

An Olympian is from your hometown, for real.

A Russian is of such a higher caliber than the other athletes that it feels like they’re doing a different sport.

Image result for medvedeva

A competitor has what you, personally, consider a baby name. So all those toddlers named Mikaela grew up over the past twenty years?

Image result for mikaela shiffrin

Yep. Definitely a grownup.

The announcer is so fired up that they’re shouting like their house just exploded.

There’s innuendo about the Olympic Village.

You see the Korean Handmaid Cheerleaders’ minder.

You’re watching at a time that you consider totally bonkers.

 

Pour A Little Out For Your Favorite Team/Athlete Who Was Robbed OR Sun Salute

An Olympian is over age 30.

An Olympian who’s roughly your peer is now the commentator.

Image result for tara lipinski johnny weir olympics

Leslie Jones sighting

A commentator says the exact opposite of whatever you just said about the event.

The human interest footage includes clips of the athlete doing their sport as an adorable little tot.

Image result for adam rippon childhood

A competitor has a sibling who is also competing in the games.

Image result for shibutani olympics 2018

The human interest footage tries to make the athlete seem like just a normal person (like an average teen, family man, grad student, etc).

An Olympian is not actually from the country they represent.

Scandinavian Olympians and coaches are knitting.

Chug OR Two Sets Of Burpees

An Olympian is over age 40

The commentators repeat whatever you just said

An Olympian has a sibling who is also competing in the games… for a different country.

Image result for sisters hockey olympics

An Olympian is not actually from the country they represent AND their connection to the country is something you, personally, consider pretty weak (e.g, it’s where their husband is from).

There’s a team from a counter-intuitive country (e.g., Jamaican bobsled)

There’s a competitor who clearly isn’t qualified to be there (this “Hungarian” “skiier”)

 

Mid-Olympics Round Up: PyeongChang 2018

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One week down in Pyeongchang. One week to go of me pretending I know how scoring works in every sport. Despite the fact it’s been cold and windy in South Korea, athletes are giving their all and we’re still rooting for our faves to win medals. Here are just a few highlights from the first week of the 2018 Winter Olympics.

Drones! They Were DRONES!


The opening ceremony of any Olympics games is all about grandiose moments, including this amazing display of lights – that turned out to be drones. Thanks to Intel, they set a world record with 1,218 flying in sync and forming shapes like the iconic Olympic rings. Fun fact: these Intel Shooting Star drones were also the ones used for Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl performance last year!

Tonga Dude is Back

Of course you remember this shirtless dude from the 2016 Olympics. But were you also surprised to see aforementioned shirtless dude again at the Winter Olympics? Well here he is, in all his oiled-up glory. While he was a Taekwondo master in Rio, he is a cross-country skiier in PyeongChang. Unfortch, he didn’t do so hot with the skiis – he placed 114th. Out of 116.

The North Korean Cheer Squad

Look, I’m not going to say much about this other than the fact that there are 230 identical-looking North Korean women singing and moving from the stands in unison to cheer on One Korea. Watch the footage and gather your own assessment. Our feelings are probably the same.

The Return of Shipping Virtue and Moir

You’re lying to yourself if you weren’t rooting for these Canadian ice dancers who definitely are not in love. They had near perfect routines during the team competition, including a performance to a Moulin Rouge medley that they had to change for the Olympics because one of the moves was just too sexy. I say BRING ON THE SEXY.

Adam Rippon’s Interviews = Meryl Streep Level

Our new forever valentine has been a shining light in these Olympics, not only on the ice, but off. Who else can talk about making Reese Witherspoon proud, joke about Xanex, and truly compliment a reporter’s statement necklace than Adam? If he doesn’t make the Olympics team again, he needs to join Johnny and Tara up in that booth.

Red Gerard Was Born in 2000

This kid won the first gold medal for the USA, but he almost didn’t make it to the slopestyle snowboard competition at all – he fell asleep watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine and overslept. Bless.

New Bae Alert: Chris Mazdzer

Chris made history as the first American to medal in the men’s single luge competition. And he also made history as the first luger I’ve ever been attracted to. I don’t know a lot of lugers, but still.

Leslie Jones Continues to Slay All Day

Leslie Jones returned as the official unofficial commentator after absolutely killing it at the Rio Olympics. From giving her takes on the figure skating costumes to not understanding Curling at all, you’re really missing out if you’re not watching the best reality show on social media. This time around, her buds at NBC already planned for her to head over to PyeongChang and she’s there now cheering on from the sidelines.

Aliona Savchenko Finally Gets the Gold

Aliona Savchenko is 34 years old. This was her fifth Olympics. She competed in Salt Lake, Torino, Vancouver and Sochi, and won two bronze medals. In 2014 her partner retired and her new partner, Bruno Massot, promised he’d get her a medal other than bronze in PyeongChang. And that he did. THIS IS WHY I LOVE THE OLYMPICS.

Chloe Kim Was Born in 2000

The 17 year old is became the youngest woman to win an Olympic snowboarding medal, and this will forever be the last tweet she sent as a non-Olympic gold medalist. Bless.

I, Mirai

Mirai Nagasu became the first American woman to nail a triple axel in the Olympics, and it was  magical. Kristi. Michelle. Mirai. So proud.

The Flying Tomato Strikes Again And Is Less Tomatoey

I found out that Shaun White has been dating the singer from Phantogram and they have a cute dog who has his own Instagram but also he won the gold medal again I’ve never been so nervous USA USA USA

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Adam Rippon, America’s Valentine

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Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, but most especially to America’s newest sweetheart, Adam Rippon!

If you have been following the 2018 Winter Olympic Games in Pyeongchang, you will already be familiar with Adam as the fiercest figure skater and ready-for-the-runway glamazon bitch, always ready with great eyebrows and a witty quip for Andrea and all of us.

If you haven’t, perhaps a little explanation is necessary.

Adam Rippon has been on the figure skating scene for a long while, but at 28 these are his first Olympics. Bummed we didn’t get to watch him in 2014? Don’t be. It’s the DGAF-ness that comes in your late 20s that makes Adam so endearing. You want examples? We’ve got examples, Valentines.

Let’s start with skating. If you missed this performance in the team event, get ready to have your heart ripped out of your chest and triple-axele double-toe double-looped across the ice. YouTube is I guess being very strict about Olympic vids but just go to NBC.

Also the scoring was a little garbage (in the words of Johnny Weir, first place skater Kolyada was “oatmeal”)  but we all know that figure skating’s scoring system needs work.

Adam’s not concerned, though. He came to play. And he’s going to celebrate later by going to Target, which is pretty darn relatable:

Adam has supporters all across the globe, but a few famous ones include Elmo:

And let’s not forget Reese Witherspoon, because all Adam wants to do is maker her proud. Olympic figure skaters, they’re just like us!

Reese was very proud indeed, and Adam dedicated the medal to his mom, “but more to [Reese] in a way, because she has more followers on Instagram”:

He calculates that Reese has probably spent, like, three minutes of her life composing tweets to him, which is a pretty big deal when you think of how busy she is with the next season of Big Little Lies and the spring Draper James collection, among other things.

Adam is Olympic roomies with Mirai Nagasu and their friendship is everything. They’ve been friends for a decade and during the 2014 Olympics they were eating hamburgers on a rooftop waiting for their time to shine.

I have seen brides and grooms watch their spouses walk down the aisle with less love and pride than Adam watches Mirai skate with.

Although every Olympian needs supporters, you know who the real motivators are: haters.

 

A few haters have reached out to Adam over Twitter, and our precious glamazon bitch ready for the runway has a few words for them:

My favorite thing about Adam, other than his sense of humor and general cheekbone situation, is his confidence. He encourages everyone to be who they are:

I mean. This is a man who skated after singing Rhianna’s Diamonds in an exhibition, and it was GOOD. He explained that he is always changing it up, “always trying to keep these bitches on their toes.”

Believe it or not, Adam is the FIRST openly gay athlete to qualify for the Winter Olympics. There have been other athletes who weren’t out at the time they competed, and this year’s Olympics also feature out skier Gus Kenworthy. They’re certified cuties:

In case you’re wondering if that tweet was directed at … anyone … in particular… the answer is of course, yes.

Mike Pence is in Pyeongchang ‘supporting’ the U.S. athletes, and also believes that you should shock gay kids into becoming straight sad gay kids. Does Adam have anything to say to Pence? Not particularly, no.

 

Basically, Adam is using his platform to raise the voice of others who are affected by Pence’s views – saying “right now I have a voice and I think it’s really important for me to use it” – but these Olympics aren’t about Pence. They’re about athletic, hard-working attractive people who are much funnier on social media … and being America’s sweetheart:

Adam has also used his platform to highlight the body image issues and disordered eating common among male athletes in the figure skating world.

Anyway, vice presidents aside, at the end of the day a gay athlete is just like a straight athlete with better eyebrows:

https://twitter.com/Adaripp/status/946186899793756161

 

So, should YOU go to the Olympics? Adam highly recommends it if you ever have the option.

As for Valentines, I’m afraid Adam already has the best one in all of South Korea, saying “nobody loves me as much as I love me; so I guess I’ll just be my own Valentine tomorrow.”

On this February 14th, let’s remember the truly important thing:

Happiest of Valentine’s Days to our beloved runway-ready Glamazon Bitch.

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Unimpressive Olympic Sports of Yore

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Every two years, I always watch in awe of the Olympians who are the greatest athletes in their respective sports. “How do you throw a javelin stick that far?” “How do you run so fast so far in less than 10 seconds?” “How are you doing a proper push-up on a v high bar?” “How are you swimming a marathon in the sea with jellyfish?” “Is this the best way for a human to get down a mountain?” These are just a few questions I ask myself when tuning in to these Games. Of course the skill level of any Olympian is impressive, but the athletes of the first Olympiad are amateurs compared to those in 2018. This improvement is so drastic in some sports that it seems ridiculous to even call it an Olympic sport. For example: Men’s vault in 1932 (see video here).

Homeboy just leaped over the vault while the South Korean dude did a bunch of flip-a-doos (technical term, don’t worry about it), and I guarantee you the crowds at both Olympics had their jaws dropped.

Let’s look at some early figure skating. Herma Szabo was undeniably graceful, but this barely looks like a warmup in modern terms:

 

Here are a few more sports from back in the day that aren’t as impressive as they are now. Also, I’m convinced we can do half of these if we tried really hard.

Tug of War

Tug of War is obviously not a sport anymore, and maybe it’s because it doesn’t require a lot of technical skill? Yes, you need extreme strength, but if it’s a sport kids play in elementary school when the gym teacher doesn’t really want to put too much effort in, it shouldn’t be a real sport.

Women’s Team Gymnastics

The sport of gymnastics has come far from the 1900s. Back then, large groups of gymnasts represented each country and took to the center of an outdoor field to do… gymnastics? Or rather really graceful dance/tai chi movements. Meanwhile, the men performed on actual apparatus like vault and parallel bars. See: The Margaret Abbott Awards.

Water Motorsports

Literal motorboating was only a sport at the 1908 Olympics, and it was discontinued for good reason – officials decided they were not ready for motorized competition. The race was comprised of five laps around an eight nautical mile course. Unlike a water sport like kayaking, athletes didn’t have hurdles or gates they had to clear, and also they had the assistance of a motor. I mean, have you seen the arms on Olympic rowers?

Croquet

Is it because I don’t understand why croquet is a thing people play in the first place? Yeah, probably. Like motorboating, croquet only lasted once, played during the 1900 Summer Games in Paris. Those French, man.

Live Pigeon Shooting

Look. We hate pigeons too, but this just seems a little extra. The 1900 gold medalist killed a whopping 21 pigeons. RIP.

Alpinism

When we were teens, one of our favorite gym class units was “orienteering.” Basically, we were sent into the large field between our school and our school’s abandoned priest mansion with a compass and had to follow directions. It was arguably athletic (we walked?) but definitely not a sport. Alpinism is like the Olympic version of that. In short, they climbed a mountain. Impressive, yes. Sport? Nah.

This event was a real stretch because they didn’t blow a whistle and send a pack of athletes up a mountain. That would have been the Agro Crag, and we would have loved it. They just awarded medals to whoever had climbed a mountain the best since the last Olympics. Medals were awarded during the winter games in 1924 and the summer games in 1932 and 1936.

Rope Climbing

The good news is this isn’t a crowd of Victorians standing in front of a gallows. The bad news is you can no longer get an Olympic medal for climbing a big rope. This event actually made it through 5 Olympics. 1904 winner George Eyser even had one wooden leg! And from the looks of it, two skinned hands.

Tandem Cycling

Tandem cycling – AKA two men on a bicycle built for two – was an Olympic event for decades. We’d argue that it was objectively the most adorable of all Olympic events and hereby ship every damn one of these 1924 couples.

Ski Joring

If you asked me what ‘joring’ is, I’d probably answer “not sure, but it sounds like an old activity from the 1920s.” And it is! In the 1928 Olympics athletes were pulled on skis by horses. That’s what joring is. Also, this looks like (a) a blast and (b) a sport that takes place right where you’re NOT supposed to hang out in relation to a horse.

Ski Ballet

Not only was ski ballet a thing, ski ballet was a thing until 2000! And while doing ballet on skis truly IS impressive, all I can picture is a clumsy mess with skis, arms and legs akimbo.

Military Patrolling

In a nutshell, people cross-country ski with heavy backpacks and then they shoot rifles, but not at anybody. To be very honest, if this sport would help certain people feel like they’ve proven that their country has good army men without getting into a nuclear war or putting those army men in actual danger, I am very for it.

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Baby Boom Is Our Aesthetic

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If Baby Boom (1987) isn’t on your pre-Valentine’s Day rom-com lineup, it should be. It is the romantic comedy for cozy, wintery-but-not-Christmas vibes. First of all, it’s a Nancy Meyers flick so you know the kitchen’s gonna be on point. Second, it’s from 1987 and lovingly skewers the aspirational yuppies of the era – including a wholesome, organic baby food business that would STILL draw the devotion of upper-class yummy mummies today. Third, it has all of the romcom features you’ve come to know and love: a career woman who doesn’t have time for love! Unexpectedly becoming the custodian of a baby! A handsome man with a romcom job! A charming old farmhouse with problems! I am the same age as Baby Elizabeth, so the sweet pastel baby clothes are like looking into an old family album. For some reason Baby Boom seldom comes up in conversation about ’80s romcoms, but give it a watch or rewatch … it just might be your February romcom aesthetic, too.

The opening new segment

Women have jobs! They’re doctors AND lawyers! Ladies having it all! It’s SO ’80s. The higher the shoulder pads, the more cushion busting through the glass ceiling?

J.C. Wiatt (Diane Keaton) works 70-80 hours a week. I’d rather be middle-class.

J.C.’s menswear-y satin robe and tortoiseshell glasses

It’s like she might get called to a board meeting pajama party and she dressed for it just in case.

Spoiler: her robe gets more cozy when she inherits a baby and moves to New England

Elizabeth’s  and J.C.’s “Inheriting A Baby Outfits”

J.C. inherits a baby, which is truly my dream scenario – not having to be pregnant, go through all the steps of fostering or adoption, or make an affirmative decision about whether or not I want a baby. Elizabeth (Kristina and Michelle Kennedy) wears a classic baby coat and hat and J.C. wears my favorite of her businesswear outfits, with a floppy bow, Peter Pan collar and oversized belted jacket that has almost Edwardian vibes. The shoulderpad/belt combo makes her waist look tiny, so that’s why people used to do that. She changes back into it at the end to turn down the offer to buy her baby food company, because it’s her main outfit to do important things in.

Another great one. When did we stop wearing brooches?

P.S., I get that J.C. has never held a baby before, but she has presumably held an object before and this isn’t how you do that, either.

By the way, J.C. name-drops two local-for-me companies, reminding me of how awesome my city was doing in the ’80s, comparatively.

Elizabeth …. MUDGE?!

Elizabeth almost gets adopted by two dustbowl people who come straight out of the Fake Annie’s Parents lineup in the Warbucks mansion. J.C. can’t do it. Guess she has time for love after all.

These Spiky Moms

These moms are all live-action versions of Angelica’s mom from Rugrats. They go on at length about all of the activities their toddlers are enrolled in and the extensive intellectual standards their 3-year-olds have met. Hey baby boomers, if you don’t like millennials just remember that you made us this way.

Hadleyville, In General

J.C. and Elizabeth arrive in town during the fall because Nancy Meyers knows what’s up. There’s a general store and a church, and it looks like a living history museum.

I love that J.C.’s plan for what they’ll do in New England is “get into quilts,” which should be timeless but feels very 80s Businesswoman Who Has Had It.

J.C.’s Yellow Farmhouse, Exterior

J.C. buys a dollhouse-looking yellow clapboard farmhouse. I want it. It’s cheerful and sweet with tasteful landscaping. There are window boxes and real shutters! However, the plumbing is shot and will cost $7,000-8,000 which feels steep for 30 years ago? For reference I recently repiped only my basement (copper, because go big or go home) and it was maybe like $1,500. Oh, and she also needs a new roof and well. But it looks so nicely-maintained?

It’s even cuter in spring because this house was made to have tulips and rabbits around.

As usual, our __ Is Our Aesthetic posts feature movies with absolutely delightful houses. That’s why images of the Baby Boom house will take you to the Hooked On Houses post for this film. It’s one of my favorite blogs and they do a great job highlighting some of the most charming homes in TV and film.

J.C.’s House During The Snowstorm

Living in a snowy city, sometimes it takes seeing it onscreen to remember how pretty it is.

The Richies From NY

Some rich people go to the local general store and can’t get enough of the authentic boots, plaid shirts, and baby food that J.C. made. They’re exactly like the 2018 version of yuppies, honestly.

The whole movie feels really modern because the home business is so familiar today — but in a time before Pinterest/Etsy moms and Whole Foods in every city, J.C. was seriously cutting edge. When I was watching I was reminded of a later Nancy Meyers film, The Intern, and apparently that was no mistake. The kitchen from The Intern even echoes the muted blue cabinets from Baby Boom!

The Hadleyville maple festival

This small-town maple festival is exactly how I want my parties. All the ladies wear big Sloane Ranger dresses, there are twinkling lights, and everyone just kind of talks and has snacks. There’s a mural with a barn and some geese on it. Nobody’s suit fits right. Get into it.

J.C.’s Nancy Meyers Kitchen

Nancy was still new to the charming romcom kitchen game in 1987, but all her talent was there from the start. Vintage-style fridge, exposed ceiling beams, baskets, fireplace and clapboard. The cabinets are painted the exact powdery blue I keep seeing in chalk paint now. Windows everywhere. There’s enough space for a work table, an eating table, a couch, hutch and a rocking chair, plus space to tap dance around all of them if you’re so inclined.  The cabinet fronts are fitted with gingham. J.C. and the handsome vet have their first kiss in the kitchen because all any woman wants is to have a first kiss in a Nancy Meyers kitchen.

The Yellow Farmhouse, Interior

First of all, I love how the woodwork isn’t perfectly freshly painted, so it looks like someone actually has lived there a long time. Second, check out these wood floors, comfy Laura Ashley-looking furniture, natural light, and worn-in looking antiques.

 

 

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Whole30 Week4: Closing Time

Posted in Miscellany by

IT’S OUR FINAL WEEK OF WHOLE30!

JK NO IT’S NOT THIS NEVER ENDS THIS IS WHO WE ARE NOW

Day 22

M: A recipe if you’re breakfast-weary: this pumpkin breakfast bake. The words pumpkin and bake made me worry about sexpants, but it’s really not. The apples and raisins are sweet, but the sweet potatoes and pumpkin don’t taste like a sugary dessert version of themselves. It’s a good way to get in some eggs and carbs. Also, your house will smell amaaazing when you’re cooking it. I had more sweet potato than the recipe anticipates so I baked it in a 9×11 baking dish instead of my trusty cast iron skillet.

I usually can’t bear to spend money on spaghetti squash because I grow so much of it in the summer, but I caved this week. The pull of using an easy fallback recipe was too strong. Cut your spaghetti squash in half lengthwise, roast for like… 20 minutes?, mix in salsa (I make mine pico style, but you do you), top with sliced avocado and make a well to crack an egg into, two if it’s a large squash. Bake for 40 minutes or til egg is set.  Top with compliant hot sauce, salt and pepper.

 

to quote the boss: you ain’t a beauty but hey, you’re all right.

T: I have been eating nothing but hard boiled eggs, avocado and some kind of breakfast meat for the past week but herein lies my problem – by the time I make two dinners on Sunday the last thing i want to do is cook breakfast. I just looked up that sweet potato recipe Molly shared and, this is why I’m liking Blue Apron, I don’t feel like buying a whole jar of pumpkin spice or ghee for a one-time use. Instead, I found this other Sweet Potato Apple Cinnamon Breakfast Bake and maybe I’ll make it this weekend! Most ingredients I already have, so this works out well.

M: I’m normally a big substitutor (I used cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves instead of pumpkin spice and coconut oil instead of ghee). Then I looked at the sweet potato apple etc. recipe and realized nothing in my house can even sort of fill in for coconut milk. Womp-womp.

I’ve started to prefer splitting my cooking up over several nights a week instead of one giant Day Of Cooking, but that varies from person to person. In ‘real’ life I make meals/sides/bread/yogurt/granola from scratch, but I usually cook big batches and freeze half. On busy days I pull out one of my freezer containers and have an easy meal. None of my freezer food is compliant and I will not ‘waste’ half of my W30 food by freezing it. I cannot wait til this is over and I can eat freezer food. This is where W30 has me. Pining for leftovers.

Plus I kind of want a crock pot now (This Is Us aside) because I want meals I can set and forget after this month. But not really forget, because that’s how tragedies happen.

Day 23

T: I went out for my co-worker’s going away shindig and there wasn’t really a lot I could eat. So I literally got a Grilled Caesar Salad. Except no croutons, parmesan, or dressing. But added grilled chicken and olive oil and lemon as a dressing. It was basically lettuce with chicken. It was fine.

But I went out with some co-workers who didn’t know I was on it, and continued to have to explain exactly what W30 is (I guess this will never stop?). However it was also nice because the co-workers who do know of my W30 gave me kudos for keeping up with it for this long. Which was nice. I don’t take compliments well, but it’s lovely to have encouragement from people every once in a while.

M: I continue to avoid telling people what I’m doing unless absolutely necessary because I worry they’ll think it sounds obnoxious. We all know that one person who gets evangelical about their green juice and yoga routine (or no carb and cycling, or carb loading and marathon training…). It’s easy to pull off not mentioning it since I already don’t eat meat, and people don’t remember what I’m weird about and just assume that it’s, like, all of it. All of the foods.

Day 24

M: Question: if you don’t post a picture of your shakshuka on social media before the 30th day, did you even do the Whole30?

Anyway, here’s my shakshuka:

I see why all the W30 people make it: it looks cool, it’s quick to throw together after work, and it’s absolutely delicious. I recommend this recipe. The creamy spinach and avocado pairs so well with the spicy harissa. Also, the ingredients are inexpensive, making it a great weeknight meal.  The only thing that’s not in my normal pantry lineup is harissa, and I’m still working through my jar from the portobello tacos.

By the way, when I was grocery shopping for harissa I could not for the life of me remember what it was called, but I knew that it was something like Mariska Hargitay. Pretty much if you forget the name of any W30 recipe or ingredient, chances are it sounds something like Mariska Hargitay.

T: Shakshuka: a dish that’s delicious but I’m never inspired to actually make. However, there was Mariska Hargitay in my cabbage/carrot/potato slaw from Blue Apron that was also delightful.

I really need to get a hold of this reintroduction phase that’s coming up. We’re only a week away!

Day 25

T: We were provided lunch at work today – tater tots, pita wraps, mini sausage sliders – but I had none of it. I literally got a bowl of pineapple. On top of that, we also celebrated my boss’ birthday, so there was tons of red velvet sheet cake. But here’s the kicker – it looked disgusting to me. Too much frosting. And I was just thinking that the only think I could probably have in that cake are the eggs.

I also bought TJ’s organic carrots, and for some reason, they tasted super sweet to me. I didn’t look at the ingredients, but I’m p sure TJ’s isn’t pumping sugar into their organic carrots, but who knows.

M:  The baby carrots were cheaper than my usual adult carrots this week. Traci’s right, they are super sweet.

Two silly things I’ve done w/r/t all these eggs: first, I’ve been buying two cartons a week. The 36-egg pack has a lower unit price and I’m clearly using 36 eggs before they go bad. I finally leveled up to the family pack because a family can be anything, even one single adult woman on a nonsense diet. Also, I had one batch of really hard-to-peel hard-boiled eggs. It took DAYS before I realized I could do the messy peeling process at home and pack them in a container instead of clawing, caveman-like, at an egg at work. Live and learn.

Day 26

T: My co-worker offered me part of her blood orange and I don’t think I’ve ever had a straight up blood orange ever before. Again, it tasted super sweet to me. It’s crazy that my taste buds have gotten so used to not eating sugar that a red alarm bell goes off in my head saying, “DANGER. SUGAR IN YOUR SYSTEM. ABORT.” Biology is crazy, yo.

M: You killed your sugar dragon! (I think W30-speak is ridiculous but am also kind of tickled by it.) Blood oranges were on sale this week, so I got some too. They’re good! I like an orange with an aesthetic.

Day 27

T: Today is my birthday. I knew this was coming. But I opted to forge ahead anyways. I didn’t really want to go all out in the first place, but I managed to find a dinner place that I wouldn’t have to order a caesar salad with nothing on it but chicken. And for those of you who remember the free non-compliant foods I was given last week, it happened AGAIN, except this time with a free glass of champagne (because our waiter was apologizing for running out of artichoke. ARTICHOKE!). There must be some sort of “I’m on Whole30 but give me free stuff I can’t have anyways” smell on me.

And of course, no cake. I apparently think it’s revolting anyways.

M: I went to dinner and on the way there I thought “maybe if there’s nothing I can get there, I’ll just order something non-W30 since it’s almost the end.” Of course, we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. I got a spinach salad minus the bacon, bacon dressing and croutons. So,  spinach with egg. My profile picture should be me holding hands with Humpty Dumpty.

Day 28

M: I hit up Trader Joe’s on a whim and I couldn’t get over how everywhere I looked there was a different sweet snack. The whole store, lined from floor to ceiling with sugary snacks! I should have felt disdain but I just kind of wanted them all. I bought some fruit bars which go against my ‘only eat bars you make yourself’ policy, but I am just so tired. I realize eating a plain apple is better than eating an apple reconstituted into a bar but it’s nice to have something in my purse in case the Hunger Monster attacks. (Not sure if W30 uses the term Hunger Monster but I feel like it would.)

T: Before I read Molly’s Hunger Monster clause, definitely thought it was a real book term.

Another Sunday, another day of cooking. I made a bonus breakfast – that Sweet Potato Apple Cinnamon concoction I found earlier. And in addition to the two dinners I made, I spent nearly 5 hours in the kitchen. To reiterate, I will not miss this.

Day 29

T: We are so close to the end. But really, not. I had it in my head that Whole30 meant 30 DAYS, not 30 Days + Some extra. But I had the following thought today: “Whole30’s probably not that hard to continue for a while.” But I shut it down real quick after thinking about the 5 hours I spent in the kitchen and not laying down on my bed watching Grace and Frankie.

Oh, and yet again, there was free lunch today at work from a local Mexican restaurant. But I continued to be eating almonds in the corner and not delicious tacos.

M: In an effort to jump-start my reintroduction process, I made spicy red lentil chili. I’m doing the vegetarian adaptation that includes some legumes, but I only made them once so I realized I should reintroduce them. If any meat eaters are calling ‘no fair’ on this rule, just imagine this: the whole time you were doing the Whole30, every single time you ate meat, I had eggs instead. But every time you had eggs, I was also having eggs. Which when you really lay it out there, is just one of the many reasons I am not sold on W30 for me.

I’ll discuss the negatives of Whole30 today so I can end on a positive note tomorrow. Others have summarized my main issues with this plan better than I can.  I started with a balanced*, unprocessed, vegetable-based diet and was already on the lower end of the healthy BMI scale** with no health problems. Switching to a restrictive diet in my circumstances was unnecessary. But if you have dietary habits you want to break, don’t already cook from scratch, could stand to eat more vegetables, are hooked on sugar or carbs, have some weight to lose, or have health problems you’re trying to get to the bottom of, you might find W30 more worthwhile. It’s a definite Good For Her, Not For Me (TM Poehler) thing. For me, W30 was I guess a fun hobby and challenge …  but that’s about it. Also, not to harp on the egg thing but YEESH.

* Where balanced = I make my meals from scratch and they’re ‘healthy,’ but if there’s a quality restaurant meal or treat to be had I won’t say no to it. And I like making bread.

** I get that BMI’s not all that, but what else would I do, put my actual weight here? I’m a lady sometimes.

Day 30

M: After today I can eat frozen leftovers again! THIS is what I’m excited about. Not the food groups I’ve cut out, but the fact that I won’t spend my whole life in my kitchen. I said I’d say some nice things about Whole30 today, so here they are:

  • While I don’t think it was necessary for me to cut out all of those foods, it didn’t hurt. Doing so gave me the opportunity to try out a whole bunch of new recipes, almost all of which were really good!
  • After some shopping missteps left me with enormous grocery bills, I learned a few lessons about frugal meal planning.
  • I learned that I can decline food without most people caring. This is handy in the future when, for instance, there’s cake and I don’t actually want cake.
  • According to how-old.net I looked 22 when I started, 18 in the middle, and 15 now. I am two times 15… plus some… so obviously how-old’s algorithm isn’t great, but maybe all the healthy eating did something there.
  • I wasn’t doing this to lose weight – which is good, because I barely did – but I had to buy smaller work pants and I’m not not happy about it.
  • I can eat eggs for breakfast. Let me explain. On weekdays I eat breakfast within 20 minutes of waking up. The idea of eating savory foods like eggs and vegetables that early turned my stomach. I’d have oatmeal, yogurt or toast with fruit, nut butter, and/or nuts, and save the egg and veggies for weekend breakfast. Honestly, though, the eggs were fine. Now that being said, I’m SO tired of eggs and cannot wait to have some oatmeal.
  • …And I guess if I was trapped in a chicken coop for a solid month I wouldn’t starve.
  • Would I do it again? … Maybe. If I had a vacation or holiday season where I got into some bad habits, I’d consider using it as a reset button.

As for the reintroduction: I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do the whole thing where you wait 3 days between food groups.  I wasn’t having any health issues before so I might fast-track it as long as I am not experiencing any problems. Although, our friend Tori half-jokingly suggested having a meal containing all the noncompliant groups and if nothing happens, you know they were fine… and the more I think about it, the better that sounds. Adios, Whole30!

T: I can’t believe this is the end. It feels like forever ago I ate bread, but also seems like I started this experiment just yesterday. And for me, that’s what this entire Whole30 experience has been – an experiment. Like Molly, I didn’t really have health/stomach issues prior to this, so it was more a test of will and how by body would react to W30, as opposed to how my body reacts to certain foods.

We actually had similar experiences throughout this entire journey, but here are some of my pros to W30:

  • I wake up with more energy. I started W30 the day after I came back from the east coast and thought I was just waking up earlier because of my internal body clock. But turns out it didn’t stop. I have 6 alarms to wake me up and press snooze on nearly all of them. However, for the past month, I wake up by the second alarm and don’t press snooze as much. This is one of the best things to come out of W30.
  • Melissa (creator of W30) said not to step on the scale at any point because “W30 is about so much more than weight loss”. I lost some pounds. Which is great. But my suggestion: if you’re really wanting to drop some lbs, don’t do W30.
  • My face is softer. Is it because I’ve been moisturizing more? Probably. But I feel like W30 definitely helped in the fact my skin feels better and clearer than before.
  • I’ve become the “all these artificial flavors, GMOs and added sugars are no good for you” girl. If anything, I think I’m going to be super strict on reading food labels and ingredients moving forward, because WHY ARE WE PUTTING SO MUCH CRAP IN OUR FOOD?!
  • Would I do it again? … Also a maybe from me. Like I said earlier, my diet (in the truest definition) became the new normal, so the routine itself I got comfortable with. But the hours in my kitchen and inability to just choose whatever I want off a menu while eating out is frustrating and obnoxious and worth me saying no to a second time around.

Because I’m *that* kind of student, I’m going in on this reintroduction phase. I think I’m starting with dairy and taking it from there. I’ll be doing this until mid-February, but the good thing is that you won’t have to read about it from me again!

Thanks for joining us on our W30 Janu-journey! (I made that up. It’s dumb. I need cheese).

 

 

 

Dawson’s Creek Is So Old That…

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself) by
How old is Dawson’s Creek?
At 20 years old this month, Dawson’s Creek is so old that (in my subjective memory)…

I started watching Dawson’s Creek on Episode 4 … so I had to wait until summer reruns to see episodes 1, 2 and 3. No DVR, On Demand or Hulu!

But not to worry, because people online actually transcribed the episodes and posted them on angelfire/ geocities. (So Many Old Sites still exist! It’s like time travel.)

… And I got in trouble for tying up the phone line reading those websites.

If I missed an episode, I would read the recap on Dawson’s Wrap, the pre-pre-precursor to the long defunct Television Without Pity.

TV soundtracks were a big thing, and the WB would announce the songs featured in the episode, along with the albums they appeared on, at the end of the episode.

Speaking of which, the Dawson’s Creek Soundtrack was THE must-own album in 7th grade and I bought it at a mall in an actual CD STORE. And I didn’t know each jewel case had a different picture inside, so I was bummed to get the Joey one instead of the Pacey one.

Today, an actress the same age as youngest main cast member Michelle Williams would have been born in the year 2000.

Oldest main cast member James Van Der Beek is now 40 years old. If you’re keeping track, that’s only about two years younger than John Wesley Shipp was when he played James’s Dad.

(It’s also only about 18 years younger than Grams, but to be fair Mary Beth Peil was not really old in 1998, they just wrote her like she was 90.)

Dawson’s Creek was the anchor of the teen block on the WB, which hasn’t even existed for the past 12 years … aka, since today’s teens were babies.

There was a guide to the Dawson’s Creek stars – with full color pages! – in the paper Scholastic book order.

Two of the main characters – Dawson and Pacey, but you already knew – worked in a video store, which truly seemed like a cool job to have.

Dawson didn’t shoot on film because he was a hipster. He shot on film because it was the only way.

Also, the kids didn’t dress ‘normcore’ because they were hipsters. They dressed normcore because the show was literally sponsored by J. Crew at that point. Remember when Gap’s big campaign convinced middle school and high schoolers that frumpy khakis were cool? It was right around then.

Do yourself a favor and click on this to go to Buzzfeed’s post about the D.C. J. Crew catalog

Katie Holmes was so young then that she delayed her audition because she was in her high school play in Ohio.

It had only been two years since Joshua Jackson appeared in D3: The Mighty Ducks, and only 6 years since he was a tiny scamp in the original The Mighty Ducks.

The hot new musical of the year was …. Ragtime.

Teletubbies, a children’s show from a very long time ago, wouldn’t even premiere for another few months.

The furby hadn’t been introduced yet, but Beanie Babies were still a hot item.

 

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