This Is Not Journalism: Best Dressed Of The Nerd Prom

When Hillary Clinton officially announced her candidacy, I was 97% excited and 3% bummed. That 3% was because I knew that from this point onward, we were in for journalistic masterpieces like Pantsuit Watch 2016. At this weekend’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Cecily Strong solved that problem once and for all:

 

It should go without saying that a public figure’s appearance is not news – unless she makes it news. One time when that happens is on the red carpet: part of the deal is that celebrities help promote their designers by mentioning who they’re wearing. We’ll be the first to admit that there’s a home for fashion commentary online – we love outfits so much that we have a post category called Outfit Girl, after all. But what would it look like if journalists paid the barest attention to fashion – just the facts – then switched over to the stuff that really matters? Let’s try it out with the top looks from the White House Correspondent’s dinner.

Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama is a Harvard-educated lawyer wearing a metallic silver dress by Zac Posen. Her Let’s Move! campaign endeavors to reverse the childhood obesity epidemic in the U.S. by promoting exercise and a healthy diet. She has publicly backed economic stimulus packages, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay act, and LGBT equality, and has made a number of diplomatic trips in the capacity of First Lady. It is an unpaid position, and her hair looks awesome curly.

Cecily Strong

Cecily Strong made her SNL debut at the age of 28, and quickly gained popularity for her off-the-wall characters like the Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation With At A Party. Strong has a BFA in fine arts from CalArts and will be a Ghostbuster next year. This year she served as host of the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, and her appearance was so hilarious that you should just watch the whole thing here. You can locate the funniest jokes by finding which ones nobody laughs at because they’re not sure if they’re allowed to. Here she is in a black and purple gown by J.Mendel and some strong eye makeup, mere hours before absolutely killing it in front of Washington and Hollywood elite.

Gina Rodriguez

Gina Rodriguez is the Golden Globe-winning star of Jane The Virgin, and she used her Globes acceptance speech to express thanks to the Latino community and call out the need for more, and more varied, representation of Latinos in the media. Rodriguez said “This award is so much more than myself, it represents a culture that wants to see themselves as heroes […] My father used to tell me to say every morning, ‘Today is going to be a great day. I can and I will.’ Well, Dad — Today is a great day. I can and I did.” At the White House Correspondents’ dinner, Rodriguez wore a rose-colored Gustav Cadile gown.

Idina Menzel

Idina Menzel is a Tony-winning actress who has also appeared on film and in television, but you may know her best as the voice of Elsa in Frozen … or as Maureen from Rent or Elphaba from Wicked; I guess that depends on your demographic. In addition to her impressive list of stage credits, Menzel created the A BroaderWay Foundation with then-husband Taye Diggs to support disadvantaged youth in the arts. At the WHCD, Menzel sported blonder-than-usual hair, perfect for her upcoming summer-long world tour.  She wore a Monique Lhuillier gown; clutch is by Judith Leiber and jewels are by Jacob & Co.

Lucy Liu

Lucy Liu, an actress known for her roles in Ally McBeal, Southland and Elementary, is also an accomplished visual artist who is fluent in Mandarin. Liu has worked to spread knowledge about human trafficking, as well as serving as a spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaign. Here she is discussing the importance of representation in television:

Also, that sparkly gown is to die for.

Jane Fonda

This sequin gown by Donna Karan is reminiscent of Jane Fonda’s costumes in her breakout role in the 1968 film Barbarella. Since then, Fonda has won two Oscars and built an exercise video empire which – speaking of outfits – popularized that 80s aerobic gear that looks like nothing so much as a full-body wedgie. After sparking controversy for opposing the Vietnam War and supporting the Black Panthers, Fonda’s activism efforts have included establishing the Jane Fonda Center for Adolescent Reproductive Health at Emory University and participating in anti-Iraq War protests.

Ashley Judd

It’s been a rough couple months for Ashley Judd on the internet, so first something positive: she looks fantastic in this Badgley Mischka gown. Missed the online controversy? After posting some rather innocuous tweets in support of her alma mater’s basketball team – the Kentucky Wildcats – Judd faced a deluge of vulgar and threatening messages from mean-spirited trolls. As people who write stuff on the internet, we wouldn’t wish this kind of attack on anybody. However, Judd has spoken out on the inadequacies of platforms like Twitter in dealing with threats, sparking a discussion of how scary and upsetting online bullying can be – and this high-profile commentary just might help change things for the better. This isn’t the only cause Judd supports: she is on the board of directors of YouthAIDS and the  Leadership Council of the International Center for Research on Women.

Connie Britton

On Friday Night Lights, Connie Britton played the fantastic Tami Taylor, my favorite Texan I’m not related to. In real life, Britton is a Dartmouth grad with a resume including television (FNL, Nashville), theater, and film. Outside of her day job, she is a goodwill ambassador with the United Nations Development Programme. Gown by Halston Heritage.

Laverne Cox

If you don’t know who Laverne Cox is, that means you haven’t seen Orange Is The New Black – so first things first, queue it up on Netflix and you won’t regret it. Cox, a graduate of Marymount Manhattan College, was the first openly transgender person to be nominated for an acting Emmy. She has participated in a number of interviews and documentaries to promote understanding and dispel misconceptions about trans people, and speaking of visibility, will you look at her in this silver Ines Di Santo gown?

Barack Obama

Barack Obama, best known as the President Of The United States, is wearing a classic black tux with a bow tie and a flash of white pocket square. Shirt buttons are a dark contrast – mother of pearl, perhaps? – and the lapel is accessorized with a Tiny American Flag Pin. When he isn’t dazzling crowds with red-carpet panache, President Obama is expanding Americans’ access to health care through the Affordable Care Act, tackling financial reform with the passage of the Dodd-Frank act, shoring up the post-recession economy with economic stimuli, and Obama still has time to raise two teenagers and play the occasional pickup game with his Washington buds.

ICYMI: Remembering Grey’s Heydays

Well, Grey’s fans, it’s been a day(s).

‘It’s A Beautiful Day to (Not) Save Lives’ – Dr. Derek Shepherd

Hey Grey’s Anatomy fans – how ya doin? Have you gotten over the emotional trauma that was last night’s episode? This is a safe space to talk about your feelings.

PS: IF YOU WATCH GREY’S AND HAVEN’T SEEN THE EPISODE YET OR HAVEN’T, LIKE, BEEN ON THE INTERNET STOP READING. STOP READING NOW. COME BACK LATER. OKAY, BYE.

Hello. Welcome back. For today’s post, I’m just using it as my soapbox to talk about what happened last night, because really, isn’t that what the Internet is for? I have a lot of problems with the departure of Patrick Dempsey/Dr. Derek ‘McDreamy’ Shepherd, but I also am slightly okay with it.

Brief recap of the episode: Derek is on his way to the airport (to quit his job in D.C. and move back to Seattle) and he’s tailgated by a sports car weaving in and out, and the car eventually hits the SUV in front of Derek, and both cars flip over, while Derek stops to a grinding halt. Basically he manages to save everyone’s lives, makes friends with the young girl who’s not injured and played Sydney on Parenthood, one car caught on fire, police and firemen saw the smoke signals and came to the rescue. Derek stays behind and waits until all the mess is cleaned up for some reason and as he’s making a U-Turn to go back home, Meredith calls, but his phone is lost somewhere in the crevices, and a tractor-trailer comes and smacks into him. Derek gets sent to a hospital that’s NOT Grey-Sloan, and because they’re not properly trained/don’t listen to the female intern doctor/make poor decisions, Derek is essentially brain dead. Meredith shows up, knows exactly what’s happening, knows she has to lit’rally pull the plug. #RIPDerek. (So that wasn’t that brief)

I managed to keep it together until the end of the episode when I found myself bawling when she has to watch him die. In the background, a cover of The Frey’s How To Save a Life is playing – a song call back to season two, when Derek is about to cut into someone’s brain and says, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives”, which he told Sydney from Parenthood earlier. Then there’s a montage of all of MerDer’s best moments and bye.

Ok so my initial thought was:

Then I began to wonder why Shonda decided to kill him off. Last January, both Ellen Pompeo and Patrick signed contracts to be on Grey’s until the 2015-2016 season, even though it hadn’t been picked up yet. Why would he leave with a year left in his contract? Furthermore, Patrick has publicly said he’d be on the show until the end. Then, there were rumors that he and Shonda were not seeing eye to eye. AND he had been gone in “D.C.” for most of the season. All signs were kind of pointing to ‘Yes’ he is leaving the show, but I would NEVER had expected Shonda to kill him off.

Which lead me to thinking that this episode is officially Grey’s Jumping the Shark.

derek_leftshark


Prior to this week’s traumatic episode, Grey’s actually was relaly good. And at times really disgusting, thanks to the weird medical problems patients had. Let’s take a look back and reminisce at the odd shit that has gone down at Seattle Grace/Mercy West-Grey/Sloan Memorial Hospital.

Doing Lines: The Best of Grey’s Anatomy Medical Cases

Welcome back to Doing Lines, a series in which we look into the most interesting and entertaining plot lines of our favorite TV shows (Did you miss the Gossip Girl one?). I’ve decided to do a little twist with this post, and only focus on Grey’s medical cases (plot lines/relationships and hookups to come in the future). Over the past nine seasons, my favorite medical drama has had it’s fair share of ridiculous cases come in through the doors of Seattle Grace/Mercy West. Here are some of the most memorable ones our fave doctors have had to treat.

Season 1, Episode 4

A construction worker accidentally falls down a set of stairs while holding a nail gun, and guess where all the nails land? IN HIS HEAD. Don’t worry, he survived the surgery after Dr. Shepherd (McDreamy) successfully took all of them out – except while he was in there, he found a brain tumor. wah wah.

this is why i don’t do construction-y things

Season 2, Episode 2

Dr. Bailey (the best doc in SGMW, besides Cristina Yang), treats a man who has a bowel obstruction, which they think is blocked by drugs. Except the x-rays reveal that those aren’t dimebags- they’re the heads of 10 Judy Dolls, which are like Barbie dolls. The great part was when she took out each Judy doll head, and reminisced about each one, like, ‘this was mod Judy, she came with a yellow vespa.’

imagine seeing this shit? it’s like right out of Mama or something.

Season 2, Episode 13

Another patient comes in with bowel movement problems – in that he’s having none – and it turns out he ate all the pages to his manuscript. The aspiring writer says, “I wanted to, literally, put it behind me,” which would frankly make me want to treat him less after a horrible joke. After the surgery, the guy still acts like a wackadoo, and it turns out the pages of his manuscript actually gave him mercury poisoning.

Season 2, Episode 18

A woman comes in after a car accident, but they soon find out she has a much bigger problem. She’s been having “episodes” 7 to 8 times times a day, and by “episodes” she means “spontaneous orgasms.” Some of the docs are envious, but she explains that she gets ridiculed a lot and can never go out in public. Being the geniuses they are, they fix her so she can only have “episodes” when she wants to.

Season 2, Episode 6

Any fan of the show can attest that this is one of the best episodes in Grey’s history. A train crash brings two strangers together (literally) as a metal pole impales the two of them. Young Bonnie (played by Dawson’s Creek alum Monica Keena) and older gentleman Tom obviously bond during their time together, but the risky surgery to remove the pole has to sacrifice one’s life while the other lives. In an emotional ending, against Tom’s insistance, Bonnie agrees to give up her life so he can live. Heartbreaking shit, yo.

Season 2, Episodes 16 & 17

The first part of this two parter aired right after the Super Bowl in 2006, and were the most watched eps in Grey’s history. Luckily, these two were arguably the best in the show’s history as well. A man is brought into the hospital because he was injured attempting to make a homemade bazooka. He was bleeding in his chest, so one of the paramedics, played by Christina Ricci, applied pressure to the wound to make the bleeding stop – except one of the Docs realizes that the man has a piece of unexploded ammunition inside of him, and the only thing stopping it from blowing up is Wednesday Addams’ hand.

The hospital immediately calls a Code Black, which shuts down pretty much the entire hospital, and brings in the bomb squad, led by COACH TAYLOR (sorry, Kyle Chandler). Wednesday starts to freak out because everyone is leaving, and she doesn’t want to die. In a state of a nervous breakdown, she removes her hand and runs out the door, but the bomb doesn’t go off- because Meredith instinctively puts her hand in the chest to save the entire place from blowing up.

After everyone goes off on her for being an idiot and comes to grips with the fact she might actually die, she carefully removes the ammunition, hands it to Coach Taylor, and as he walks down the hall, it goes off. He dies, but all the doctors, and the idiot patient who had the bazooka remnants in his chest in the first place, all lived. There is WAY more to this episode, so you should probs just watch it on Netflix instant.

Season 3, Episode 5

A man comes into SGMW lying on his back and his ex-wife straddled on top of him. Yup, you guessed it – they were having sex and his piercing hooked onto her dislodged IUD and they get stuck together. Ok, maybe you didn’t guess that exactly, because it’s freaking weird. The doctors managed to separate the couple, but he ends up having a heart attack right after they’re taken apart.

uncomfy

Season 3, Episode 14

A cancer patient is oddly the common denominator to staff members getting mysteriously ill, when George figures out that it’s her blood that is toxic, and making everyone pass out. A combo of her chemotherapy drugs and herbal medicine created a deadly neurotoxin, which obviously creates a problem for those treating her. Literally an entire OR staff falls down during her surgery. So the Docs have to take turns holding their breath to run into the OR and seal her cavity up before everyone dies.

bitches be down on the ground

Season 3, Episode 21

One of the hospital’s board members comes in after a recent trip to the Amazon with swollen genitals. Turns out that a parasite got all up in there after he spent some time in the Amazonian waters. It eventually comes out in surgery and it is disgusting. But Dr. Bailey and Dr. Webber have one of my fave convos ever in this ep:

Webber: There was a fish in a man’s penis.

Bailey: There’s always gonna be a fish in a man’s penis, chief.

Season 4, Episode 16

A stoopid teen gets stuck in cement after his idiot friends dare him to lie in wet cement just to impress a girl. The douchebags don’t call 911 until an hour after he’s in there, leaving him surrounded by a legit- a ton of cement. Not only is the cement weighing heavy on the kid’s body, but it’s also sucking out all the water from his body and toxins are building all up in there. Torres has to cut into his leg just to alleviate the pressure. Gross. Eventually they get him out – and the girl he was trying to impress actually revealed she liked him too. Their relationship was off to a sane and normal start.

poor choices, kid.

There are way more freakish cases in Grey’s, but this list could legit go on forever. Oh Grey’s, never change.

 

Saturday Spotlight: What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

A  cold truth: once you’re an adult, nobody asks what you want to be anymore. I mean, just because I have a professional degree and a job doesn’t mean I’ve given up all my dreams, right? Although honestly, thank God nobody asks that because I have no clue what I would answer. This week, though, we explored some of the options:

Option 1: You could get younger when you grow up…

As in the new TV show Younger, wherein Sutton Foster plays a 40-year-old trying to jump start her career by posing as a 26-year-old. If you aren’t sure if you should be watching it, you should: find out why here.

Option 2: Why grow up? You could just play dress-up.

You could go to Coachella instead, which is basically an extension of childhood but with drugs. In addition to being a music festival, Coachella is more or less adult dress-up. Here’s our fashion wrap-up of the 2015 festival if you need proof.

Option 3: Be A Hollywood assistant… at your own risk.

This week was Administrative Professionals day, when the world expresses its gratitude toward all those hard folks who keep our offices running while dealing with sometimes unreasonable orders from all directions. Arguable worse than serving as an admin or secretary at a normal workplace: being an assistant to a celebrity. Check out these true horror stories from some of Hollywood’s long-suffering assistants.

Option 4: Be What Your Parents Are

This week was also Take Your Daughter To Work Day. Growing up my parents and I were all a bit befuddled by the holiday, so I never participated. But that doesn’t mean I’m not super jealous of kids who got to shadow their parents at these dream workplaces, like the zoo or the White House or a flower shop (diverse interests, everyone).

Option 5: A Doctor On A Shonda Rhimes Show Oh Good Lord Nevermind Not That

If you haven’t seen this week’s Grey’s Anatomy and you are reading the internet, you are a brave and maybe foolish soul. If you are reading the internet and HAVE seen Grey’s, hop on over to our reaction post. I guess I can scratch anything in Shondaland off of my career dream list.

‘It’s A Beautiful Day to (Not) Save Lives’ – Dr. Derek Shepherd

Hey Grey’s Anatomy fans – how ya doin? Have you gotten over the emotional trauma that was last night’s episode? This is a safe space to talk about your feelings.

PS: IF YOU WATCH GREY’S AND HAVEN’T SEEN THE EPISODE YET OR HAVEN’T, LIKE, BEEN ON THE INTERNET STOP READING. STOP READING NOW. COME BACK LATER. OKAY, BYE.

Hello. Welcome back. For today’s post, I’m just using it as my soapbox to talk about what happened last night, because really, isn’t that what the Internet is for? I have a lot of problems with the departure of Patrick Dempsey/Dr. Derek ‘McDreamy’ Shepherd, but I also am slightly okay with it. But first things first.

Because of my job, I have to monitor what’s happening with entertainment news every minute. Early afternoon on Thursday, someone on Instagram posted a photo of an article in Entertainment Weekly featuring Patrick Dempsey with the title “The Doctor Is … Out” and it’s his first exit interview after his last episode – which airs on Thursday night. Apparently some subscribers get EW issues on Thursdays, while most people get it on Fridays, hence, it wouldn’t have been a spoiler if the issues had arrived at the end of the week. This got picked up, Entertainment Weekly was all, sorry, y’all, and I was annoyed because I got spoiled on Thursday’s episode. I hate spoilers.

Then the clock hit 6pm PST (I work until 7pm) and, again, remember I have to monitor entertainment news, my RSS feed and Twitter feed were BLOWING UP with posts about how not only was it Patrick Dempsey’s last episode, but they FREAKING KILLED HIM OFF. Usually, when something like this happens, there are headlines that say like ‘[SPOILER] Leaves ::insert show here::’ or ‘This Really Just Happened on ::insert show here::’. However, this time around, it was one right after the other that read: ‘Shocking Grey’s Anatomy death!’, ‘Original cast member leaves Grey’s Anatomy’, ‘Shocking Grey’s Anatomy Accidental Death’, and straight up: ‘McDreamy Is Dead! Patrick Dempsey Killed off Grey’s Anatomy’. Thanks, People magazine. It was legitimately impossible for me to avoid spoilers – even more so because I had to write a story about it. So I mean, I guess I didn’t really know how he died.

Fast forward to the actual episode. Brief recap: Derek is on his way to the airport (to quit his job in D.C. and move back to Seattle) and he’s tailgated by a sports car weaving in and out, and the car eventually hits the SUV in front of Derek, and both cars flip over, while Derek stops to a grinding halt. Basically he manages to save everyone’s lives, makes friends with the young girl who’s not injured and played Sydney on Parenthood, one car caught on fire, police and firemen saw the smoke signals and came to the rescue. Derek stays behind and waits until all the mess is cleaned up for some reason and as he’s making a U-Turn to go back home, Meredith calls, but his phone is lost somewhere in the crevices, and a tractor-trailer comes and smacks into him. Derek gets sent to a hospital that’s NOT Grey-Sloan, and because they’re not properly trained/don’t listen to the female intern doctor/make poor decisions, Derek is essentially brain dead. Meredith shows up, knows exactly what’s happening, knows she has to lit’rally pull the plug. #RIPDerek. (So that wasn’t that brief)

I managed to keep it together until the end of the episode when I found myself bawling when she has to watch him die. In the background, a cover of The Frey’s How To Save a Life is playing – a song call back to season two, when Derek is about to cut into someone’s brain and says, “It’s a beautiful day to save lives”, which he told Sydney from Parenthood earlier. Then there’s a montage of all of MerDer’s best moments and bye.

Ok so my initial thought was:

Then I began to wonder why Shonda decided to kill him off. Last January, both Ellen Pompeo and Patrick signed contracts to be on Grey’s until the 2015-2016 season, even though it hadn’t been picked up yet. Why would he leave with a year left in his contract? Furthermore, Patrick has publicly said he’d be on the show until the end. Then, there were rumors that he and Shonda were not seeing eye to eye. AND he had been gone in “D.C.” for most of the season. All signs were kind of pointing to ‘Yes’ he is leaving the show, but I would NEVER had expected Shonda to kill him off.

Which lead me to thinking that this episode is officially Grey’s Jumping the Shark.

derek_leftshark

While many believe Grey’s hasn’t been good since the end of season six (you know the finale where Derek was shot by a crazy gunman seeking revenge), I will say there have been a number of good episodes since. It just hasn’t been the same. The show has been on for 11 seasons, and there have been many cast changes, so it’s never going to be the gut-wrenching, edge-of-your-seat, hearts-in-your-eyes drama that it was in seasons one and two. Now that Derek’s gone, there are only like four original cast members left. Moreover, there’s only one half of MerDer left.

Meredith and Derek are one of TV’s most beloved couples – just imagine if Jim Halpert died unexpectedly or Ross Geller or Sam from Cheers or Fitz (DON’T GET ME STARTED ON SCANDAL). Removing such an important element of a beloved show like Grey’s could potentially hurt the show more than it can help.

That being said, I get why they killed him off. It was getting boring quite frankly (see: hasn’t been good since season 6), and they need something to stir the pot a bit. When Sandra Oh left at the end of last season, she moved to Switzerland (neutral country) with the possibility of her coming back. It was interesting to see what would happen this season without Meredith’s person by her side. But that still wasn’t enough to create the same level of drama and interest as before. So I get it, writers, I get it. But from a fan’s perspective…

This is reminiscent of How I Met Your Mother all over again – except this isn’t the series finale. Here’s what we do know – next week is the season finale, and all the doctors at Grey-Sloan-O’Malley-Webber-Yang-Stevens-Montgomery-Shepherd Memorial Hospital have to say one finale goodbye to Derek. It puts them in a much more interesting position than when Yang left, because she still exists and is doing her thing. Derek’s departure was sudden. He left behind a wife and two kids, a staff who admired him. How are they all going to deal with his death? We all saw what happened after the plane crash (if you watched past season 6). They all had PTSD. What kind of mark will Derek leave on them?

One last thing and I’ll end my rant (thanks for sticking with me!) – before Cristina left, she told Meredith to not let Derek dictate her own life and hopes and dreams. In some way, it was a foreshadowing of what just happened, but it’s also a reminder that Meredith, a self-professed dark and twisty person, is more than Derek Shepherd’s wife. She’s Dr. Meredith Grey. She has seen a lot in her life, and she doesn’t let it effect her too much. Will Derek’s death finally be the thing that breaks her down? Will Cristina be there to pick up the pieces? Will Ellen Pompeo stay on past season 12? Did Shonda just issue Grey’s its own D.O.A.???

Sound off, fam! What do you think will happen next??

Dream “Take Your Child To Work Day” Scenarios

Did any of you participate in Take Your Child To Work Day as a kid? The correct answer is “no” – because when we were kids, it was still called “Take Your Daughter To Work Day.” It was part of that earnest early ’90s Murphy Brown feminism that sort of aggressively told  girls “you can be anything! You can do anything! Someday maybe you’ll own a briefcase!” I mean, it was started by the Ms. Foundation and Gloria Steinem. But even when Take Your Daughter To Work Day began in 1993, kids were way ahead of that mentality — it was mostly the product of adults who had grown up in the 1950s when there weren’t so many options. I remember being mostly confused by the holiday, like I already knew I could have a job, but everyone making such a fuss about it made me realize that somewhere somebody was saying I couldn’t? Nice try though, Gloria. It was a weird time and my main priorities were Rugrats and Dunkaroos, to be honest. Apparently my parents were confused too, because I never attended. To be fair, my mother taught in my school, so every day was Take Your Daughter To Work Day.

Still, I couldn’t help but be jealous of my classmates who got to cut school and tag along with their parents for the day. Well, I was jealous of SOME of them. If your parents had cool jobs, you’d come to school the next day with tales of amazing experiments and adventures and free swag that you got. And then some kids just sat in an office playing Gameboy. Here are some Take Your Daughter To Work Day scenarios that would have blown my mind as a kiddo – or Take Your Child To Work Day, or Take Your Daughter Or Son To Work Day, however you roll. Did any of you go to work with your parents, or are you taking your kids now? And was it fun, or just another day at the office?

Veterinarian Or Zookeeper

Oh hell yes. This is it. What kid wouldn’t love getting to hang out with cats and dogs all day and using cool medical equipment? It’s like if your parent were a doctor, but even better because there aren’t all those pesky humans. Also, zookeeper. Or really any zoo employee. Why do I think most zoos put on amazing Take Your Child To Work Days? And can you imagine getting to go behind the scenes to see how they take care of the animals? Man. I wish my parents were zookeepers.

News Anchor

All I know is this. I worked my tiny butt off in children’s acting classes and poured my heart and soul into three-times-a-week rehearsals — and those kiddos whose parents worked at the news channel got to fast-track their way to T.V. every year. This still happens. Sometimes they even deliver inconsequential reports in tiny, adorable suits. I imagine that behind the scenes, one has a child-sized slate or a miniature boom mic. If you are a news anchor, or otherwise involved in television production, and you don’t take your child to work today, I really have no words for you.

Grocery Store

All right, I know people who don’t live near Wegmans grocery stores are really bored of people talking up how great Wegmans is. But our hometown is the base of Wegmans and it was practically the only city that had them when we were growing up. It was – and still is – one of the biggest local employers. And as such, there were always a few kids in your class who had a parent who worked there, and let me tell you, they put on a mean Take Your Daughter To Work Day. There were bakery tours, and cooking demos, and tiny chefs hats, and aprons, and stepstools. Fortunately, if your parents worked elsewhere they put on a mean fourth grade field trip.

Fashion Designer

Nobody’s parent is really a fashion designer – for real, comment if your parent is a fashion designer – but remember in The Parent Trap when Hallie goes to that shoot with her mom and gets to help style it and somehow appears in it as well? It was such a fun montage but for some lucky kid out there, it isn’t just a montage – it’s real life.

Florist

Basically, any job where there’s a hands-on activity would be the greatest. Working at a flower shop would be like a day-long art project. There would probably be flowers that didn’t make the cut that you’d be allowed to play with, and I bet there’s even a good chance you’d get to use the cash register. Allergy kids need not apply.

The White House

A backstage tour of the White House! Possibly meeting the President or First Lady or, heck, even Bo! Visiting the seat of American democracy! Okay, so no surprise here: I was one of those kids who really, really wanted to be the president when I grew up. My family went to Washington, D.C. when I was seven, and I was wide-eyed when I got to visit Congress, see the Declaration of Independence close-up, and stand next to the Lincoln Memorial. Nerd. But a whole day at the White House? I couldn’t have even dreamed it. Lucky kids – now you can go there for Take Your Child To Work Day even if your parents don’t work there!

Even better – the White House has asked other employers to do the same, opening their doors to kids in the community who can’t shadow a parent … or whose parents have boring jobs, maybe. Imagine your dream job as a fifth-grader, then imagine if your school worked to get you to spend a day living it. So amazing!

Firefighter

There’s a reason firefighter is one of the top jobs little kids say they want when they grow up. It’s cool. There’s danger, and uniforms, and trucks, and sometimes dogs. Obviously you’d have to keep children away from, well, fire, but a day learning about their community heroes would be really great for a lot of kids.

DJ

Judging by this picture’s popularity online, a lot of adults and kids would love to spend a day stepping into a D.J.’s shoes. Personally, heavy club beats and sweaty crowds sound like no fun, and what can I say, I usually like being the only Molly in the room … but mixing beats would be so much more interesting than beating those hollow wood sticks against each other in music class.

Paper Company

No? Oh well.

Hollywood Assistant Horror Stories

Today is Administrative Professionals Day, which means many millennials in entry level-ish jobs will be opening the gifts they bought for themselves. Or, if you have a nice boss, you’ll actually have a thoughtful present that shows real recognition of your dedication to work. Either way, if you’ve ever had to work for someone else, this day is for you.

But we know that not all bosses can be like idyllic Leslie Knope and genuinely care about you and your wants, needs, hopes and dreams. Sometimes, you’re forced to work for a Miranda Priestly, who is utterly horrific. Luckily, I’ve never worked as an assistant, because frankly, I don’t think I’m cut out for it. But bless those who do. Especially in Los Angeles.

Working as an assistant in Hollywood is a whole different ball game than most places (save for maybe like NYC), in that the percentage of bosses who think they are superior than everyone else is way higher than say, Des Moines, Iowa. There are a lot of power players in the industry, not just actors and directors, but writers and publicists and agents and studio execs who all think their to-do list is much more important than everyone else’s. It’s all the familiar phones, scheduling, lying about where your boss is, but 10 times worse.

To those that have given their lives to the every beck and call of IRL horrible bosses – we salute you. Here are just a few horror stories from assistants who prove that working in Hollywood can sometimes be the actual worst.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

“I broke up with a very prominent actor boyfriend of hers. She said, “Oh, we’re done making a movie together; it’s not really going to work; I’m sort of seeing somebody else. Could you just tell him to back off and leave me alone?” And she said this over the phone, over Christmas. She told me, “Accept the date on my behalf. Take the date. Go instead of me.” So, that’s what I did. You would think sending a text is the worst — no. Sending your assistant to break up with him is the worst. He had no idea it was coming, either, which was sad. Because when I was talking to him on the phone before, he was like, “Great! She said yes! Tell her I’ll see her here; I’ll order us her favorite wine,” and I was just like, “Okay!” Ugh. I felt horrible for him. I was like, “You do not deserve this.” That breakup was two weeks into the job. That was my initiation — Oh my God, this is what I’m doing?” {x}

 Gifting On A Dime

“She once had me buy some luggage for her makeup artist, two bags for $5000, and yet for her best friend’s birthday she told me to find a used bike on Craigslist for under $100,” he said of a multi-million dollar actress… He also said that the actress’ mom needed a new TV, but instead of buying a new one she had him dust off an old TV that was missing a remote in her garage and drive it over to Mom’s house. Yes money mattered to her. She seemed to want to flash it with inconsequential people, but with family and friends she was extremely frugal.” {x}

We All Hate Waiting For The Cable Guy

I once had to go over to one of my boss’s condos at 8 a.m. on a Saturday to wait for the cable guy, because she didn’t want to stay inside her own home for four hours. {x}

Literal Shit

An assistant once had to pick up a stool sample from her boss’s dog and deliver it to the vet. {x}

You Gotta Have Balls To Do That

An assistant to a film and TV director received a call from his boss around 9:30 on a Saturday, requiring 200 tennis balls before noon, so he could teach his girlfriend tennis -and he needed to get the balls for a cost of about $10. “There’s gotta be a way.” The assistant ran around town, finding those ways, not all of them necessarily legal. “I hopped the fence at a country club with a basket I picked up at the grocery store and picked up like 30 orphan balls, I got chased by the tennis coach. Then I called a buddy who was a member at a country club, who knew a crooked groundskeeper, who sells balls he steals from the country club. I drove like 30 minutes and did this sketchy tennis ball transaction in his alley like I was buying a pound of cocaine and I had to haggle him down.” {x}

How About “Ass”?

The time an agent told me to never use the word “as” again. That was… frightening. {x}

There’s An Undo Button For That

A Talent Agent assistant was sending an audition confirmation to Actress A and had to CC her “Group”, which consisted of any relevant managers, agents, etc. But he accidentally selected the Actress B’s “Group.” So Actress A saw that Actress B was going to get the same audition. And Actress A called the agent and ripped him for sending other competing clients against her for the same role… and the agent eviscerated the assistant all night for being a “fucking idiot.” Called him repeatedly all night, insulting him, threatening to fire him, etc… The assistant just apologized and took the beating. He thought he lost his job, but he showed up the next morning and there was his agent, waiting for him in his office, with an agenda of stuff to take care of. They didn’t talk about it again. {x}

The cow as white as milk, The cape as red as blood, The hair as yellow as corn, The slipper as pure as gold

One assistant recalls having to keep a special healing mushroom alive by soaking it in goat’s milk as it grew to new and alarming sizes, and later reserving that mushroomy goat milk for her boss to drink (she never did drink it). {x}

You Butter Believe It

I was once screamed at by my boss because the butter that arrived with his side of bread was too melted. “You need to check this before you give it to me!” he yelled, which is how I found myself gingerly squeezing individually-wrapped tablespoons of butter on a near-daily basis to make sure they were the correct temperature. {x}

An Oscar-winning Delivery

One assistant worked for an award-winning cinematographer and his family for several years. “I had developed a very tight bond with them and we considered each other family. The couple asked if I would film the birth of their child. They said I was the only person they trusted enough to handle this task. While I was terrified at the thought of filming such a personal and unfamiliar event, I was honored to have been asked. It was requested that I watch several hours of birthing videos so I would know what to expect during the birth. Each day, I watched hour-long videos of women going through labor and the delivery of their babies. Video after video, I watched as these women were screaming and cursing and looking as if they were being tortured. What had I gotten myself into?”

”Inside the delivery room, I was introduced to the doctor and knew that I was going to have to be very creative to get the perfect shot and capture the whole event. I found the perfect place to stand, the overhead light was in the perfect spot. Just as things were getting good and the baby was crowning, the doctor moved to a different position, moving the overhead light with him. Knowing that my boss was expecting a perfect video, I quickly apologized to the doctor and moved the light to where it was best for my camera angle. There was an excellent chance that my boss and his wife would have been outraged that I would get in the way of the doctor, but instead, my boss, the cinematographer, gave me a high-five and said… ‘YES! That’s why I knew you were perfect for the job!’

”I never watched that video, but I’m told that it was wonderfully shot and perfectly lit.” {x}

 

Coachella 2015 Fashion Wrap-Up

It doesn’t seem like a desert music festival – where people willingly subject themselves to sleeping in tents and peeing in porta potties – could house a fashion oasis. But sometimes, Coachella is just that. The festival is also home to its fair share of fashion missteps, but as a two-weekend event in which people can wear whatever they want without impunity, it may not always be pretty but it’s always interesting.

Jaden Smith

I don’t have a younger brother, but I do have Jaden Smith and that’s basically the same thing. Whether I’m shaking my head over his scrunchy forehead poop face or illustrating his grandiose philosophical musings, I can’t help but get a kick out of that little scamp. He has all of the youthful self-importance of Justin Bieber, but it’s less annoying because unlike Bieber he seems to at least have a good heart. Or any heart. Jaden’s latest exploit: wearing a kicky floral frock and a lush red flower crown at Coachella. Can we retire flower crowns from music festivals now? Because we have already established who wore it best once and for all, and it’s Jaden Smith.

Beyonce

LOL no just kidding, Jaden Smith didn’t wear the flower crown best. Beyonce did – and that’s no insult to Jaden, it’s just that anything that Beyonce wears, she probably looks better than everyone else in. That’s why her t-shirt reads “Go Burn Your Flower Crown.” With denim shorts and natural makeup, it’s like Beyonce is playing dress-up as a regular civilian.

Nicki Minaj

So apparently, those are plaid shorts with a faux plaid shirt sewn around the waist. It reminds me of those cardigans with the built-in half camisole I used to wear in 1998, or those skorts with the shorts attached to the skirt. Except Nicki Minaj is wearing it instead of 12-year-old me, so it looks cool. Note Nicki’s take on the once-ubiquitous feather headdress (ugh): a giant feather crown.

Joshua Jackson

Pacey Witter is wearing the same hat my dad always wears, and that feels weird to me. It’s also the hat that is ceremoniously bestowed at age 16 on American men who are really into people thinking that they have Irish heritage. Also pictured: Diane Kruger and Nina Dobrev. Yeah, they all just look like regular people in normal clothes. Let’s move along.

 Katy Perry

What I love about this is that the loose, billowy fabric is probably great in this weather, as is the slicked-down hair: I can’t even look at Coachella pictures without feeling like I’m losing a fight with the frizz-monster. Besides, she has such a pretty face (sorry, I’m your grandma) and it’s nice to have her hair out of it. Those sandals look great too. The choker is really fun but in the Indio heat, having metal clamped right against your neck might be a bit unpleasant. Anyone want to take bets on how often her train got stepped on?

John Mayer

Listen closely. You hear that? It’s my 17-year-old self, weeping. I want to draw your attention to the gentleman to the left. That’s how my face is right now.

Whitney Port

In the early 90s, the ladies’ pajama departments of stores like Ames and T.J. Maxx used to run ads with ladies in long, billowing nightgowns. They’d often be looking dreamy near a window or on a porch swing. They usually had long blonde hair in a french braid with meticulously curled-under wispy bangs. This is the exact nightgown they were wearing. It looks cute on her, though.

 The Kardashian-Jenner Sisters

I don’t know which Kardashian sisters are which. I mean, I know which one Khloe is. And I know which two are really Jenners, although I can’t tell one Jenner from the other. And I say this as someone who gets annoyed that none of my distant relatives or parents’ friends can tell me apart from my sister. So anyway, here are both Jenners and Khloe Kardashian (the one I can identify). They are wearing outfits I would hate sweating in. The far left Jenner will have some rough tan lines this week. I am very happy to see that they’re all confirming that ankle booties are still in though!

Florence Welch

Florence Welch sported the most badass accessory of the festival: a freshly broken foot. She fractured it leaping off stage, but carried on like the, well, machine that she is. Aside from the foot, she kept things loose and light-colored, perfect for a festival that, as we’ve said, seems really uncomfy to both of us.

FKA Twigs

Between this and the Jenner, I guess the in thing is dressing like Princess Leia when she was enslaved by Jabba the Hutt. Twigs is so pretty, though. Better her than me, having to represent this trend. Bless.She also wore this, which is interesting and probably lovely, but I can’t find a clear picture of it. Sculpted baby hairs haven’t been this in since the late 90s.

Rosie Huntington-Whitely

This is probably the most ladylike anybody has or will ever look at Coachella.

The Jenners, Again

These gals don’t look bad, per se. They just look like teenagers having fun at Coachella. But man, do I wish those hot pants that look like saggy diapers would go away.

Rihanna

When I was in my early makeup wearing years, I remember reading that you should not match your lipstick or your eyeshadow to your outfit, because that’s tacky. Rihanna probably read that same advice as a youngster, then realized that she’s Rihanna and she is wearing a full-length purple fur coat and she can put whatever the heck she wants on her lips.

Jourdan Dunn

These heavy metallic necklaces are  really making me cringe. Also did Coach just set a bunch of models loose at Coachella with their bags as some sort of viral marketing? Also, do you think I would look more like Jourdan Dunn or Rosie Huntington-Whitely if I were carrying a Coach bag??

Hozier

It’s like they always say. You can take the man out of Ireland… but he’s still going to wear some rumply brown stuff and like 5 layers. Also, Aaron Paul. I’m not sure what his hair is doing, but I don’t really need to know.

 

Show You Should Be Watching If You Aren’t Already: Younger

I watch too many TV shows. It’s a problem. Because of this, I’ve had to be selective when it comes to which programs I actually spend time watching. But then when my shows go on a semi-long hiatus, I get ancy like a drug addict feening for a hit. It’s then that I go to the list of bubble shows that I decided I would only watch if I found the time to. Enter Younger.

Younger is a TV Land series, which is partly why you’re confused about it. It’s not a repeat of Gunsmoke or Who’s the Boss or even Friends, and it’s not a shot-in-front-of-a-live-audience multi-cam show like Hot in Cleveland. It’s a single-cam, original series that isn’t aimed towards the baby boomer demographic. I watched the pilot and liked it so much that I watched it again immediately after it aired. But that’s partly because my DVR cut out the last 30 seconds and I obviously needed to see what happened. But that aside, it feels like a fresh, new show that isn’t trying to be anything else. So what’s it about?

Basic Plot

Liza (Sutton Foster) is 40 years old and suddenly becomes a divorced single mom of a college freshman. She gets mistaken for a 20-something by a young, hot, gentleman caller (Nico Tortoella), which makes her think she can pass for a young professional, multiplying her chances of scoring a decent job in the publishing world. It works, and she lands a position as an assistant to a Devil Wears Prada-esque boss, but her co-worker Kelsey (H Duff) befriends her and takes her under her wing. Liza attempts to keep up appearances as a “26 year old” but the problem is that no one knows her real age and real life story.

Still intrigued? Here are a few more reasons to watch one of my new favorite shows this year.

Sex and the Gilmore Girls

Darren Starr, the executive producer of Sex and the City, is the creator, writer, director, etc. of Younger, so some of that Carrie Bradshaw flair can be seen in the show. Like SATC, it also takes place in New York City, specifically Brooklyn, where Liza has to adjust to all the young hipsters. The writing of Younger is reminiscent of Gilmore Girls – while not quite as verbose and pop culture reference-y, it has a similar fast-talking pace that is perfect for the brilliant Sutton Foster, who if you recall, starred in the cancelled-too-soon dance dramedy Bunheads, created by GG’s Amy Sherman-Palladino. The fusion of these two shows results in a hip, hilarious program for millennials and older folks alike.

Hilary Duff Is Back On TV

I have been a fan of Hil since My Lizzie and Gordon OTP Days, and have loved her ever since. While she’s had some random TV cameos since (REMEMBER THE DAN HUMPHREY VANESSA THREESOME), this is a full-fledged series return since she’s had a kid. Now I don’t think she’s lined up to earn an Oscar nomination anytime soon, but her acting and mere presence feels like a breath of fresh air, and the role of Kelsey is perfect for her. She’s a strong female in the workplace and goes after what she wants with determination. She also isn’t a mean girl, which I expected her to be when I first started watching. She truly is a friend to Liza and I hope that never changes, because, girls lifting up other girls and whatnot.

Sutton Foster Is Back On TV

As previously mentioned, Sutton was in the short-lived Bunheads, which was the perfect role for her as a Vegas showgirl-turned-small-town-dance-teacher. Sutton nailed the delivery on Amy Sherman-Pallidino’s writing, which isn’t an easy feat. It also helped that Sutton is a huge Gilmore Girls fan so she knew what she was getting in to. And while some may only be familiar with her work on Bunheads, many others like me know her as Broadway royalty. Like the kind of Broadway royalty that has won two Tony Awards as Best Actress in a Musical because she’s that flawless. Whenever Broadway actors transition into TV, I always root for them like the underdog because I know how much talent they have and it deserves to be seen than more than the lucky few who get to see them perform on the stage live (see: half the cast of Bloodline). Sutton being on Younger is not only an achievement and feat for her, it’s one for us too.

Fashion

The fashion in Younger is interesting on a whole new level, in that while there are the clothes that, say, Hilary Duff’s character wears (trendy, young NYC professional), there’s that of Liza’s, which is a 40 year old woman pretending to be 26. What she wears literally depends on her livelihood. Bring in Patricia Field, the costume designer for not only Younger, but she also worked with Darren Starr on SATC. I recently read an Entertainment Weekly feature on Patricia and now I can’t stop reading about her process for styling characters and tips on how to not look like trash, basically. For example, a trick for dressing Liza is that she wears items that balance out her silhouette – i.e. being youthful is about not being overtly sexy. When Josh first hits on Liza, she’s wearing like a comfy chambray shirt – and this is what makes him not only like her, but think she’s 26.

Millennial Life As Seen By A Non-Millennial

There’s a good chunk of this show that deals with Liza just trying to keep up with the “kids” and understand the millennial language. She gets hired as an assistant, and is expected to know how social media works because that’s what we do as millennials. In one scene she comes up with this brilliant publicity campaign involving Twitter, but when she launches it, she forgets to include the hashtags, and therefore it doesn’t become the viral sensation she promised her boss it would be. In the pilot, Liza seriously asks who Lena Dunham is. Kelsey at one point has to teach her what IRL means. It’s an interesting semi-psychological study on what we do and why we do it, couched in the guise of a hilarious show.

Younger airs on TV Land Tuesdays at 10p/9c

ICYMI: Stefon’s NoChella Nemesis

Coachella 2015 ends tonight and while thousands are currently in a dust bowl filled with sweat, the lingering smell of weed and regret, here’s a reminder you can still join in on the fun – with NoChella!

Coachella? #Nochella!

I’ve never been the type to find interest in weekend-long outdoor music festivals, so while I get the appeal, I don’t get the appeal, but that’s perfectly fine with me. I’d much rather stay at the comfort of my own home and get updates on what happens there from afar. And apparently this is a trend that’s caught on. I introduce you to: #NoChella.

I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s possible to have fun without being at Coachella! Just ask all the folks who have opted to create their own fun in the comfort of their own homes. Even celebrities are getting into the #NoChella fun with ragers that include hanging out with friends and drinking and listening to music because that is essentially what people are paying hundreds of dollars for at the actual Coachella.

But for those who have even the slightest twinge of Coachella FOMO, here are just some ways you can celebrate #NoChella without the hassle of actually going to Coachella.

Desert Life

Gather as many of your friends as you can, have them dress like contemporary hippies who are toeing the line of offending Native Americans and cram into a sauna.

General Hygeine

For those who go all in and do Coachella camping style, they will have to rely on port-a-potties and portable showers (as seen above) for the weekend. Basically, if you want to try this at home, don’t shower and possibly pee out in the woods somewhere.


 

Chicano Batman, Lucent Dossier Experience and Night Terrors of 1927 – these are all bands that played at Coachella this year and I’m not shitting you. Most of them sound made up, which is why we have a fun little game for you…

Band at Coachella or Stefon’s Favorite Club?

The first weekend of Coachella 2014 has come and gone, but there’s still one more weekend of music and hipsters and alcohol and drugs and questionable fashion in the desert. In LA, these two weekends in April basically means a mass exodus of folks heading out to Indio, and in certain neighborhoods (read: hipster neighborhoods), it’s eerily quiet.

And while Coachella is a music and arts festival, I feel like it’s become less about the music and more about the event itself, which celebrities you can spot, and how many artistic Instagram photos you can post. Lest we forget about all the indie rock bands and dance/rappers we’ve never heard of before? That’s what Coachella is all about. When you look at the lineup and go, ‘IS THAT EVEN A REAL BAND??’

People who are real Coachella fans get off on knowing bands before everyone else knows who they are, no matter how ridiculous the name of their band sounds. So in the spirit of putting the music back put on your flower headbands and try your hand at guessing whether the following words are real legit bands that are playing at Coachella this year, or the name of a fake club by SNL’s former city correspondent, Stefon. Good Luck! (highlight the text between the two arrows for the answer!)

Scuba

COACHELLA ⇐

Scuba, real name Paul Rose, is an EDM DJ from London.

Blitzen

⇒ STEFON ⇐

New York’s hottest holiday club is Blitzen, and right now they’re having their 12 Days of Christmas dance party. It has everything: (sung to the 12 Days of Christmas) 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 Puerto Screechers, 5 homeless Elmos. 4 coked up frogs, 3 French hens, Taylor Negron, and a human parking cone… It’s that thing were two jacked midgets paint themselves orange and you have to parallel park between them.

Jelly Bones

⇒ STEFON ⇐

Located on the Lower Upper Side, this random home invasion is the creation of legally drunk clothing designer Nick Nolte and Gabana. As you walk in, you’ll be handed a glass of champagne – or is it piss? This place has everything: Slurpies, mushmouths, litterbugs. But Don’t worry about security, because it’s guarded by an army of hobo-cops. Homeless Robocops.

Holy Ghost!

⇒ COACHELLA ⇐

Holy Ghost! is an American synthpop duo from Brooklyn.

Thank You!

⇒ STEFON ⇐

New York’s hottest club is Thank You! Located inside a crashing blimp, this euro trash utopia is a creation of beatnik doctor, Soulpatch Adams. And this place has everything: ziplines, fish food, that fat Hawaiian guy that no one invited, an old Pakistani woman that looks like a California raisin. And this weekend they’re having a tournament of everyones favorite trivia game: Shaun White or Bonnie Raitt. Look closely, the answer may surprise you.

Graveyard

⇒ COACHELLA ⇐

Graveyard is a hard rock band from Sweden with members whose real names are Axel Sjöberg, and Truls Mörck, clearly taking a page out of the Mike Schur book of fake names.

Drowners

⇒ COACHELLA ⇐

Drowners is a “post-punk” band from New York City. Whatever “post-punk” means.

Scampi

⇒ STEFON ⇐

Illegally parked behind the Statue of Liberty, this hate-speech haven is a creation of frat boy guru D-Bag Chopra. This place has everything: Zip drives, gozers, Ke$ha.  Is it Ryan Seacrest? No –  it’s a drowned albino who looks like Axl Rose. For the kids, there’s a special workshop where you can build a bear… but not the kind you think. There’s a VIP section filled with Furtlenecks – it’s that thing of when like, fat guys have a beard, but only on their chin roll. And they have a pack of roaming draggers. Roaming draggers? It’s that thing of when an old dog has short legs but a long penis.

Slice

⇒ STEFON ⇐

If you want fun, then listen to this: New York’s hottest club is Slice. Club promoter Gay Liotta is back, and this time he’s gone crazy. Jump in and join a dance party where you’ll see twinks, gypsies, grown men in wedding dresses, a cat from a bodega, puppets in disguise… It’s that thing like when Alf wore a trench coat, so he could go out into public.

Daughter

⇒ COACHELLA ⇐

Daughter is a British indie rock band, whose songs have been used on Grey’s Anatomy, Teen Wolf, and Arrow.

Poolside

⇒ COACHELLA ⇐

Poolside is a Los Angeles-based duo who classify themselves as “Daytime disco”. Honestly, in addition to making up band names, can these bands just make up their own genres too?

Bicep

⇒ COACHELLA ⇐

British Dance DJ who has the least appealing name ever.

Push

⇒ STEFON ⇐

 

This place has everything: Ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won’t sign autographs, furkels.
Furkels? Fat Urkels. After you’ve been with one of those guys, you’ll ask yourself “Did I do thaaaat?’

Saturday Spotlight: Gwyneth’s Got More Limes Than Amy March

Remember Little Women? Amy March was the worst person ever, but she also taught us an important lesson. She squandered her family’s “rag money” (IDK) on a bunch of limes, then her teacher tossed them into the snow. Lesson: if you’re short on cash, don’t waste your money on limes. This is a lesson Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t quite worked out: her sample food assistance-based menu included not one, not two, but seven limes for a week:


 

Gwyneth’s Goop Kitchen: How Fast Would You Die?

I’d love to live like Gwyneth Paltrow, but it would probably kill me. We’ve reviewed the ridiculous pricesfor, like, a plain white t-shirt on Goop. We’ve also looked at how to beautify your “conscious uncoupling” with a mock divorce Pinterest board. I surely couldn’t afford that sort of lifestyle, but what if Gwyneth tried to live more like us plebes? This week we learned the answer, when Gwynnie tried to buy a week’s worth of groceries on a $29 SNAP budget. Here’s what she came up with:

Yo. That looks like the food version of being grounded. It is the dinner world’s answer to being in-school suspended. It’s like if a spin instructor was in charge of the menu for a jail.


 

But then again, Amy March was sort of just like “I may be poor, but I just want to enjoy what everyone else is enjoying.” Similarly, a lot of modern youths want to enjoy what everyone else is (Coachella), but want to skip the part where you camp in a dessert and use a porta potty. Enter: Nochella.


Coachella? #Nochella!

I’ve never been the type to find interest in weekend-long outdoor music festivals, so while I get the appeal, I don’t get the appeal, but that’s perfectly fine with me. I’d much rather stay at the comfort of my own home and get updates on what happens there from afar. And apparently this is a trend that’s caught on. I introduce you to: #NoChella.

I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s possible to have fun without being at Coachella! Just ask all the folks who have opted to create their own fun in the comfort of their own homes. Even celebrities are getting into the #NoChella fun with ragers that include hanging out with friends and drinking and listening to music because that is essentially what people are paying hundreds of dollars for at the actual Coachella.

But for those who have even the slightest twinge of Coachella FOMO, here are just some ways you can celebrate #NoChella without the hassle of actually going to Coachella.

Desert Life

Gather as many of your friends as you can, have them dress like contemporary hippies who are toeing the line of offending Native Americans and cram into a sauna.


But seriously, when an 11-year-old girl tries to follow the crowd and do what everyone else is doing, she ends up screaming “I’m The King Of The World!” in a Nova Scotia graveyard. We were in sixth grade for Titanic Mania; we should know.


Remember Titanic Mania? That Was Weird, Right?

Let’s recap a bit in case you’ve forgotten about Titanic Mania, were too young for it, or just weren’t paying attention. First, the Titanic sank. It was 1912 and a lot of people died and it was, of course, very sad. Fast forward 80-some years to late 1997. James Cameron directed a giant historical epic about the event, starring teen sensations Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. That’s when things got weird.

For as long as cinema has existed, we haven’t been able to resist portraying real-life tragedies on-screen. Want to guess how long the first Titanic movie was released after the sinking? 29 days. Not even a full month, unless the month was February, which of course it wasn’t because every mid-90s tween has the date “April 15, 1912″ etched onto their soul. There were actually three Titanic movies released in 1912 alone, so it’s not like I think that James Cameron’s Titanic was unusually iffy.

The way we all reacted to that movie though – that’s what was weird. We just lost it. Keep in mind, this was a movie about a real-life disaster, and survivors were even still alive at the time. You’d think we would have maintained a bit of decorum, or solemnity, or SOMETHING, but that sunken boat became a pop culture figure along the lines of Mickey Mouse or Rocky.

Real.

 


You know who can go suck a lime, for serious? The Fox execs who haven’t renewed The Mindy Project. Do it, do it, do it?


I Believe In Fairy Tales: A Plea To #RenewMindy

Every year around this time, fans of TV shows that are “on the bubble” hold on for dear life and cross their fingers that network and cable executives renew their favorite shows. This wishin’ and hopin’ and prayin’ has become more of a dire straits situation over the past few years, since the television landscape has changed so drastically. It used to be that shows weren’t in danger of getting cancelled unexpectedly, even if the finale was a cliffhanger. But now, showrunners of bubble shows have to decide whether to make the season finale a combo platter of a series finale as well. Parks and Recreation executive producer Mike Schur has talked about how every year they thought they were going to get canceled, and that they wrote episodes in season three, four and twice in season five, that could have doubled as series finales. That’s the kind of TV world we live in now.

In saying that, it’s always sad to see a show get canceled before its time, or when you know that the material is better than the ratings report. Like how me and many others are still pissed off ABC bosses cancelled Happy Endings. In an effort to not repeat history, here’s my plea to save one of my personal favorite shows on the air, The Mindy Project.

As most of us already know, the brilliant Mindy Kaling landed her own show in 2012, one that she stars, writes and executive produces. It was a real Girl Power moment when the show got picked up, and as the show built up an impressive arsenal of hilarious episodes, the fan base grew fervent and here we are three seasons later. However, The Mindy Project, while acclaimed by critics and beloved by fans, doesn’t do so hot in the Neilsen ratings, which is obviously important to people like Fox. Although the viewer numbers don’t show the strong fan support, there is a prominent group of folks clamoring for a fourth season. And this post is to show my support. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think Fox execs would actually cancel it, so you know this is serious. Here are just some reasons why we need The Mindy Project to live on, this upcoming season and seasons after.

Morgan and Tamra Reunion

Mindy (Kaling) has compared Morgan and Tamra to Ryan and Kelly from The Office – they’re in constant limbo in their relationship and it’s always a fine line as to whether they’re dating or not. But just like Ryan and Kelly, I feel like Morgan and Tamra’s walk into the sunset is inevitable. They’re both crazy in their own ways, but together, the crazy kind of balances out?


Speaking of creepers from 1800s Massachusetts: Lizzie Borden. Major shudder factor. And yet I sort of… kind of love The Lizzie Borden Chronicles in spite of myself.


Show You Probably Don’t Need To Watch But Might: The Lizzie Borden Chronicles

I hate you, Lifetime. I hate you so much. I hate you for making a campy television movie about a historical murder-mystery starring a 90s child star, because you know that I will watch it. I hate you for following up with a miniseries about the same gross 1800s murder. Oh, Lifetime. You always know how to hold up a mirror to my worst self.

The Lizzie Borden Chronicles is not a “show you should be watching if you aren’t already,” as so many of our posts are tagged. Watching it only encourages what we all know Lifetime thinks: that we take delight in the most lowbrow tv experiences cable has to offer. Lifetime is right, of course. That’s why even though Lizzie Borden isn’t a show you should be watching, it’s a show you might watch anyway.

Number one reason you might watch: the Lizzie Borden story itself. Lizzie Borden was a spinster whose father and stepmother were found axe-murdered under suspicious circumstances (the circumstances being holy cow, someone killed them with an axe). Circumstantial evidence strongly pointed to Lizzie, but reasonable doubt prevailed. It seemed possible Lizzie was the killer, maybe even probable – but you just can’t be certain. You may be familiar with Ms. Borden from the jump-rope rhyme she stars in. In a pre-Nancy Grace world, the sensational Borden story spread far outside the borders of Fall River, Massachusetts. Over a century later the murders are still unsolved and hotly disputed.