Monthly Archives: February 2016

Things We Need to Revisit From the 2016 Grammy Awards

Posted in Entertainment by

I’m accidentally starting a new series for the blog called Things We Need to Revisit, which I kicked off with the Super Bowl 50 earlier this month. Today, we’re talking all about last night’s Grammy Awards, which was filled with highs and lows and Hamilton. All Hamilton all the time. Here are the moments I feel like we need to talk about again today, and yes, Taylor Swift’s maj shade is on the list.

Bow Wow Doesn’t Understand Time

As awards shows are wont to do, stars from that network randomly show up to promote their series in a slick way. It’s the reason why NCIS: Los Angeles star LL Cool J has hosted the show 5 times, and why Gary Sinise star of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders presented the Best Country Album with country singer Cam. And it’s why Shad Moss aka Bow Wow (CSI: Cyber) was chosen to co-host the pre-show with actual reporters from Entertainment Tonight. Approximately 2 minutes before the show started, Shad was in the audience giving viewers a preview of who was in the crowd, but at the 1.30 mark, he excitedly yelled, “The Grammys start now!” … except they didn’t. He attempted to do filler then throw away to the top of the show like two more times, looking at his watch WHICH SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM THE TIME? before they cut away to the ET folks who know how time works. It was awkward and I can’t stop laughing at it.

Sam Hunt and Carrie Underwood Take Their Time

https://youtu.be/x5enhW38X1M

Apparently their performance was shat on by a lot of haters online, but I wasn’t paying attention – Carrie is one of my favorite singers and Sam is a smokeshow so this pairing was a GD dream. Plus, the sound system was already fucked up (see: Adele).

It’s an Easy Hello for Demi Lovato

http://dlovato-news.com/post/139403196305/demi-lovato-performing-hello-at-the-58th-grammy

Demi was part of an all-star tribute to Lionel Richie, with a medley that included John Legend, Meghan Trainor, Luke Bryan and Tyrese Gibson (?). While John kicked it off with a flawless version of Easy, Demi was a standout in the bunch, mainly because she knocked the socks off of people who have been underestimating her or just don’t know her music. They know her as a former Disney star who went to rehab, and over the past year, Demi’s been out there hustlin’ trying to prove them otherwise. IMO, the new era of her slay-age began with SNL back in October, and with her performance on the Grammys it took her to a whole new level. Demi has never even been to the Grammys before, which was a conscious decision on her part. She didn’t want to go unless she earned it, whether it be being asked to perform or having a nomination (one day), so her debut at the Grammys itself became an epic one with her powerful vocals. And she definitely showed them she was meant to be there.

Stevie Wonder Burns The Audience

http://tumblr.refinery29.com/post/139395542089

After performing an a cappella tribute to late Earth, Wind, & Fire star Maurice White with Pentatonix, Stevie was responsible for reading the winner of Song of the Year. He brought out the envelope, which was a bit of a gag since, hey, Stevie’s blind (tell that to 19-year-old me who legit waved to him at TRL). But then he turned it into somewhat of a PSA.

Kendrick Lights Up

http://horchata-daddy.tumblr.com/post/139417034586/kendrick-lamars-2016-grammy-performance-x-ive

If you were not giving this man a standing ovation at the end of this performance – I don’t care where you were – you need to wake the fuck up.

Adele Still Better Than Your Faves

https://vid.me/2SIC

So not everything can go perfectly on live TV, even if you’re Adele. The only difference is that Adele can still make a fucked up instrumental and sound situation seem like NBD. Especially in a huge venue like Staples Center with thousands of screaming fans, it’s imperative for a singer’s earpiece to work, and for the music playing through said earpiece to be on tune. It definitely wasn’t her best performance, and everyone freaked out but ultimately forgave her because she’s Adele. However, she explained later that the piano mics fell on to the piano strings, and that’s what made it sound like a guitar was blaring every other beat and like she was off key. She’s also fine with it because she got In and Out after. Goals.

Sofia Vergara Did A Thing

Believe it or not, Sofia Vergara helped close out the Grammys. Backstory: Pitbull made a surprise appearance at Sofia’s wedding to Joe Manganiello last year by performing a few songs at their reception. I’m assuming to help pay him back, she agreed to dress up as a Taxi and dance around the stage during his performance. So, that happened.

Taylor’s Got It Made In the Shade

https://youtu.be/xPOPtQIEQt0?t=38s

If you’ve been following the Kanye drama over the past week (there’s a lot so it’s fair if you haven’t), you know that he name dropped Taylor in his new song Famous. He says, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” Long story short, Kanye isn’t apologizing and Taylor responded for the first time by throwing the most shade to him in her acceptance speech for Album of the Year. Like, if you need to describe to someone what shade is (which I’ve had to do), this speech is the textbook definition of it. PS: Remember the time Taylor thought she won Album of the Year in 2014 because “Red” sounds a lot like “Random Access Memories” by Daft Punk?? STILL FUNNY.

#Gram4Ham

http://popculturebrain.com/post/139404914114/abrieftasteoflove-yayhamlet

Saved the best for last. While I think Kendrick had the best *awards show performance*, the cast of Hamilton had their own revolutionary performance in a different way. We both had a lot of feelings before the cast performed the opening number, Alexander Hamilton, live from the Richard Rodgers theater in NY, and one of those feelings had to do with the fact that it was the first time the cast has performed a full song on TV. We were going to be in the room where it happens, only if for a few minutes. It was just as beautiful and moving as I had imagined. And of course, to top it all off, they won Best Musical Theater Album (obviously. this category is usually relegated for the pre-telecast!) and Lin didn’t disappoint with yet another acceptance speech rap. That also made me cry. I’ve never been so proud of a group of people I’ve never met before than this cast. WEPAAAA

https://youtu.be/R7f8LwqbC2E?t=13s

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Playlist Of The Month: Songs By 2016 Grammy Nominees

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

The 2016 Grammy Awards are tonight – the messy, reckless, unpredictable party of the awards season, where the actual awards take a backseat to the outfits, rivalries, and  performances. It’s bound to be the highlight of our Monday nights this year, especially with the amazing slate of nominees. This playlist contains only songs by 2016 Grammy nominees, so listen to it to evaluate the potential winners and get psyched up for tonight’s awards. Then, tune in tonight to witness the awards first hand!

Listen to the whole Spotify playlist here!

Traci’s Picks

Nominee: Sam Hunt (Best New Artist, Best Country Album)
Song: Take Your Time

Y’all. If you are not acquainted with Sam Hunt yet – GET ON IT NOW. He’s a former college football player-turned-singer/songwriter-turned solo country singing superstar. He’s got so much working for him – he’s got a great voice, he can talk/rap (?) and make it sound cool, his songs are on fiiiire, and he is the most attractive crooning angel in country music. This song is baby makin’ music right here. If you want more, listen to the entire Montevallo album. Speakers. That’s all I’m saying.

Nominee: Disclosure (Best Dance/Electronic Album)
Song: Magnets ft. Lorde

The second I heart Latch by Disclosure & Sam Smith, I was hooked. Their Caracal album is an EDM/pop dream. In Magnets, Lorde brings her seductive/creepy tone to a dope beat that you can’t stop listening to.

Nominee: Kendrick Lamar (Album of the Year, Song of the Year, Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Dance Recording, Best Rap Performance, Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, Best Rap Song, Best Rap Album, Best Music Video)
Song: Alright

Kendrick has the most Grammy nominations this year with 11, so chances are he’s going to walk away with one. Or two. Or almost all of them. Kendrick has a way of bringing life into every single song he records, whether it be through the inspiring and moving lyrics or multi-genre-infused instrumentals that prove he’s a true artist. With Alright, this has become not just a song but an anthem for millions, and that is the mark of a music icon.

Nominee: Florence + The Machine (Best Pop Duo/Group Performance, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Rock Performance, Best Rock Song, Best Recording Package)
Song: Hiding

Florence made us wait four long years before releasing a new album, and it was well worth it. How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful has more of an ethereal vibe to it than her previous records, but I’m not complaining. Hiding is actually a bonus track that happens to be one of my favorite tracks so here it is.

Nominee: Miguel (Best R&B Song, Best Urban Contemporary Album)
Song: coffee

Nothing can top Miguel’s Grammy-winning song Adorn – in fact, topping his amazing 2012 album Kaleidoscope Dream is hard too, but coffee is a strong follow up. It channels the same feels from Adorn, but with a little more flair, and I’m so here for it.

Bonus:

Amy Poehler – Yes Please (the audiobook) because SHE’S GRAMMY NOMINEE, AMY POEHLER. I’ve only read the book and not listened to it, but based on this small clip, I want to give her all the Grammys. And because we’re still obsessed with Hamilton and excited about their performance at the show, I’ll also plug one of the many favorites off the album, Non-Stop. I mean that ending, tho.

Molly’s Picks

Nominee:  Hamilton (Best Musical Theatre Album)
Song: Wait For It

https://youtu.be/ReTP6x_sDiM

There’s no real best or worst tracks from the Hamilton cast recording, because it’s all very, very good. However, Helpless and Wait For It are the two songs that I think stand best on their own – if you aren’t familiar with the musical, don’t like musicals, or are just going to listen to one track instead of taking the whole two-act journey. Both remind me of the best parts of late-90s R&B.

As I write this I realize that Traci will probably pick a song from Hamilton too, but we’re basically a Hamilton blog now so I think that’s appropriate.

Nominee: Alabama Shakes ( Album Of The Year, Best Alternative Music Album, Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical,  Grammy Award for Producer of the Year, Non-Classical )
Song: Don’t Wanna Fight

Here’s a moment you realize you’re getting older: an artist appears on Saturday Night Live and you’ve never heard any of their songs. That was me with Alabama Shakes in 2015. I love the old-school Southern rock and bluesy vocals, mixed with a modern synth sound. Not ALL of their songs are exactly my cup of tea, but you can’t deny that they deserve their place with the other nominees.

Nominee: Taylor Swift
Song: I Wish You Would

https://youtu.be/DXOk8S4wGEM

I’m probably supposed to be embarrassed about this, but I sort of like Taylor Swift.  I don’t think her live performances are amazing, but she has a better grasp of how to write a really great pop song than most artists out there – in fact, she was under contract as just a songwriter as a teen. New!Taylor also knows who to partner with: I always thought I Wish You Would had sort of a Haim vibe, but it was actually produced with Jack Antonoff (fun) which works, too.

Nominee: James Bay (Best New Artist, Best Rock Album, Best Rock Song)
Song: Hold Back The River

I think James Bay is really excellent and is sort of this year’s Hozier, not that Hozier is going anywhere. I hope he sticks around for a good while and I really think he will. I have copied and pasted three different songs into this list so you really can’t go wrong with the entire album.

Nominee: Kacey Musgraves (Best Country Album)
Song: Biscuits

Kacey Musgraves is the future of country, and I like it. In a lot of ways she’s a throwback to the sassy, non-P.C. country of Loretta Lynn. Heck, one of Kacey’s early songs includes the lyric “my idea of heaven is to burn one with John Prine.” Other than the release of her album, one of Musgraves’ biggest moments in 2015 was performing Follow Your Arrow at an NPR Tiny Desk Concert the day the marriage equality decision came down. I don’t think Pageant Material got as much radio play as it maybe should have on country stations, but it didn’t go overlooked at the Grammys.

Meme-ntine’s Day

Posted in Miscellany by

It’s Anna Howard Shaw Day Single’s Awareness Day Valentine’s Day this Sunday, which means a few things:

  • Single folks are ignoring the holiday by drowning in alcohol
  • Those with significant others are forced to talk to each other at some kind of romantic outing
  • Kids are handing out paper valentines and candy to brown paper bags taped to desks at school

But what happens when single and taken adults want to hand out paper valentines to their friends IRL? They create memes that look like old school valentines using their favorite fictional characters and comic sans and post it on the World Wide Web. This time of year is one of my favorites to monitor on the Internet to see what kind of kooky things people come up with. Here are some of the best fandom valentines from the Internet’s virtual brown paper bag. Consider it our gift to you.

Valentines-leo

after years circulating online, maybe this will be the year this card becomes irrelevant.

just because bill nye was part of your childhood doesn’t mean he doesn’t have sex. or is a badass.

paula’s cutting down with the unsalted butter

history isn't the only thing that has its eyes on you, AMIRITE

history isn’t the only thing that has its eyes on you, AMIRITE

whatever you say, groffsauce

whatever you say, groffsauce

not willing to wait for it

not willing to wait for it

jokes aside I MISS JIM HALPERT

CLASSIC MATTHEWS

roflcopter

the life of pablo album cover v. 3

who doesn’t love a good lisp joke?

memes collide

a truly heartwarming sentiment, tbh

get in the cage

michelle's a lucky girl

michelle’s a lucky girl

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It’s the 90s: Let’s All Decorate For Valentine’s Day!

Posted in Entertainment, GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by

Happy Valentine’s Day season, I guess!  Valentine’s Day falls into one of my favorite holiday subcategories: a Snack Holiday. A Snack Holiday is almost a normal day, except there are themed snack foods. Snack Holidays don’t require gift exchanges or elaborate meals, which are entirely optional. Other Snack Holidays include Halloween, Fat Tuesday, St. Patrick’s Day, and maybe Lincoln’s Birthday if you swing it right. Snack Holidays are closely related to, and sometimes overlap with, drinking holidays: Mardis Gras (Fat Tuesday + booze), Independence Day, St. Patrick’s Day. I love them all!

You may be thinking that Valentine’s Day is NOT a Snack Holiday because presents and fancy meals are obligatory. However, except for a few couples I know, most people leave these big celebrations behind in their early twenties. You wouldn’t think so, but it’s actually pretty great being single on Valentine’s Day in your late 20s. Most of your friends who are dating, engaged, or married have been together so long that they aren’t into big, amateurish displays of affection. Most of them are spending the holiday ordering a pizza and seeing if there’s anything good on Netflix. Yes, except for a brief interlude from the ages of, say, 15 to 25, V-Day is a Snack Holiday we can all enjoy.

For those of us who grew up in the 90s, our concept of Valentine’s Day as a Snack Holiday was established in our classroom parties. So in this holiday edition of Let’s All Decorate, let’s take it back and decorate that classroom, why don’t we?

Beanie Babies

In the height of the Beanie Baby craze, there’s a good chance your teacher displayed seasonal Beanies on her crowded desk, probably next to the cold cup of teacher’s lounge coffee. It was one of the few attempts at teacher coolness that actually sort of worked, except that you gave her a bit of side-eye for displaying a “rare” holiday Beanie Baby on her desk without a tag protector or clear plastic coffin.

Shoebox Mailboxes

I’m going to go ahead and call this the most highly-anticipated busywork of the year. Sometime before your Valentine party, the teacher would bust out a stash of shoeboxes she had saved from every pair of sneakers, loafers and boots that she, her husband, and her children had bought for the past year. “Wasn’t it nice of her to save those JUST FOR YOU?”…  Is a thought that never occurred to me as a child because children are selfish little dirtbags. You would cover the shoebox in plain paper, then decorate with stickers, crayons, and if your teacher was exceptionally chill about classroom mess, some glitter.

https://youtu.be/XKs9XndhbYM

The mailboxes served a triple purpose of keeping the Valentines neater than they’d have been in a pile on your desk, concealing who received which Valentine (although you had to give one to every kid, so whatever), and filling up a solid half hour of post-lunch time on a day when kids are bouncing off the walls.

Note: if your teacher’s children didn’t go through as many shoes that year, you may have decorated manila envelopes that you taped off the edge of your desk, instead.

A Bulletin Board Or Door Display Where Every Kid’s Name Appears On A Heart

Sounds really specific, right? But these were actually universal as chicken pox (Stuff 90s Kids Remember: Chicken Pox). Things have gone more high-tech now, but back in the day teachers used to spend a ton of time cutting out construction paper shapes and writing all of the kids’ names on them. How do I know? My mom was a teacher in my school… and she outsourced a lot of it to me. I stapled a whole lot of solid construction paper backgrounds and bulletin board borders in my youth.

For teachers’ sake, I shudder to think what the Pinterest Industrial Complex has done to V-Day bulletin boards.

For a true 90s experience, names should be: Justin, Ashley L., Ashley B., Matthew, Jessica, Sarah, Dave, Katie, Chris, Kristin, and Kevin.

An Art Project Where Things Are Made Out Of Hearts

A tree made out of hearts, a bee made out of hearts; a dog made out of hearts, a frog made out of hearts; a wiggly heart-shaped creature made out of hearts. The heart is a versatile shape, and nobody knew that quite like the elementary school teachers of the 90s. There was probably a wall somewhere during that party that was decorated with the childrens’ heart-shaped crafts. Gotta develop those fine motor skills!

Tissue Paper Suncatchers

Yet another example of letting the kids decorate for their own darn party, if it was Valentine’s Day, and it was 1993, and you were 7, there’s an excellent possibility that these were hanging in your window filtering those February afternoon sunbeams.

TREATS TREATS TREATS TREATS

The above “treats” should be read like the thumping bass of EDM music, because when we were children, Valentine’s Day treats were our molly (although I’ve always really been my own Molly). Favorite V-Day treats in the 90s included, but were not limited to:

  • Rice Krispy Treats with heart-shaped sprinkles in them – OR cut into the shape of hearts if the mom making them didn’t’ mind waste.
  • Jell-o Jigglers shaped like hearts, because Bill Cosby meant something different to us then.
  • Heart-shaped Little Debbie “snack cakes” which were the same as the Christmas-tree shaped ones you had two months before, except that I always suspected that the heart ones were a tad bigger.
  • Sticky, gummy heart-shaped brownies, also from your friends at Little Debbie, courtesy of a kid whose parents didn’t have time to make anything.
  • Punch made with fruit juice, Sprite, and sherbet, especially if the party was right at the end of the day and the teacher wouldn’t have to deal with you much longer.
  • Candy Hearts. Obviously.
Valentines!

 

 

This is where you let your interests fly – and Kid Code required that you act cool about what the other kids handed out, not making fun of the kid who picked a movie nobody had liked for two years. A few favorites:

Valentines were a way to let people know that you cared … about Princess Belle. I know some people who still hand them out, but I wish it was still 100% customary. Like this year I’d hand out Hamilton valentines, and last year Parks and Rec was winding down so I probably would have gone with that. And before you say anything: a tumblr meme is not the same.

On this Snack Holiday, I think we should take all of the best parts of those 90s classroom holidays. Enjoy some gross sugary treats, let people know that you love them and also the TGIF show Dinosaurs, do a little crafting, and display that holiday Beanie Baby without the tag protector because it turns out it wasn’t worth anything, anyway.

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Pop Culture Blind Spots: The Bodyguard

Posted in Entertainment by

Tomorrow, February 11th, will mark the four-year anniversary of Whitney Houston’s passing. And while her death was tragic and it’s certainly sad that we’ll never get to enjoy her sing live again, we’ll always have the tremendous career she left behind so we can never forget her legacy. Among the great projects she left behind is The Bodyguard, a movie that came out in 1992, when I was six years old. Somehow I was never introduced to it growing up, and hence became a pop culture blind spot for me – until recently. Join me as I experience one of Whit’s most beloved roles and unexpectedly fangirl over the pairing of Whitney and Kevin Costner.

Knowledge of this film:

  • Whitney Houston
  • Kevin Costner
  • Kevin is Whitney’s bodyguard
  • I Will Always Love You
  • Someone gets shot
  • Kevin carries Whit somewhere

Is there a reason this font is so big or is it just “1992”?

Photo Feb 09, 1 16 25 AM

If Kevin Costner is a bodyguard, why is he shooting randos in a sketchy garage? I have questions already. It’s the first scene.

Kevin Costner eats his dinner out of a pot with a wooden spoon like a savage. He’s also setting up to be a classic tale of man who *cue movie trailer guy* “has the perfect job but the one thing missing from his life – is love”

Had no idea Whit’s name was Rachel.

Kev is just too cool for school. He’s sitting in his backyard, wearing his hoodie and Ray Bans and throwing knives at a wooden pole. Dare to dream.

#goals

This movie was made in 1992 and the cars looks straight out of 1989. Ok, I guess not that much older.

Rachel’s mansion looks like The Great Gatsby’s house (Leo DiCap version).
Photo Feb 09, 11 24 02 PM

Rachel’s intercom isn’t working but Frank is let in anyways – like obviously she needs Frank because security is in poor form already. She’s a celebrity – she needs her intercom to be working.

Rachel’s apparently filming a music video inside her house, which, I mean, why??? That’s what studios are for.

As she sits in a chair watching the dancers rehearse, it’s immediately sad knowing that this film is some kind of weird hyper reality for Whit, and makes me really sad. But then – Frank and Rachel meet for the first time:

Photo Feb 09, 1 26 18 AM

AND I’M ALREADY SHIPPING IT THEY HAVE SO MUCH CHEMISTRY

The only other movie I saw Whit act in was Cinderella, and that’s a much more lighthearted movie than this. In The Bodyguard, she’s showing off her dramatic talents – that I’ve never witnessed before – and I’m so impressed with her skills already.

Whoever this cute kid with the boat is is the MOST adorable. I think it’s Rachel’s son? AND ALSO HE’S VERY HOT NOW. HBM STATUS TO THE MAX

Photo Feb 09, 11 37 23 PM

Rachel has been receiving death threats via mail. This is probably why Frank got hired in the first place.

“Reagan got shot.”
“Not on my shift.” Frank Farmer, Bodyguard to the stars.

Some creep broke in and masturbated on the bed???? Honestly what is wrong with her team for not taking more security precautions earlier. ALSO, I don’t trust Sy. He’s troublesome. I don’t trust any of these folks.

THIS IS SOME PLL -A SHIT RIGHT HERE

Photo Feb 09, 11 26 38 PM

Henry is holding a Koosh ball. I guess it is 1992.

They’re installing better security for her house (e.g. an intercom that works, a gate, cameras etc.) but like why hasn’t this happened sooner I don’t understand.

Who is Boat Kid’s baby daddy?? BTW Boat Kid’s name is Fletcher, but Boat Kid is much better.

Nicki, Rachel’s sister, used to be a duo act with Rach, but stepped aside to let her be a star. Is it Selena (y los Dinos) situation?

Again, Rach’s team has been receiving *ransom notes* but a) they’ve been hiding it from Rach b) they haven’t sent it to the police until now?

Ok, I should know this but is The Bodyguard soundtrack just all Whit songs? (the answer is yes, it’s amazing).

Some car followed Rachel’s limo but none of Rach’s people except Kev noticed – again, how? Her entire team sucks. Prediction: it will be her downfall.

There was an intense car chase and Frank legit jumped off a cliff and rolled onto pavement. Action hero shit.

There’s a dog that belongs to someone who lives in this house but doesn’t move at all. I feel like he’s going to become integral to saving someone’s life later on.

“Tuesday morning brunch? Where’d you get this guy, Bill?” Sy, you’re a douche.

Why does it look like Rachel is shopping in a thrift store? She’s trying on clothes behind a curtain that doesn’t go all the way up.

“Never mix business with pleasure” Rachel foreshadowing them gettin it onnnnnn

Why is Frank sitting in the dark and watching a Rachel Marron music video? Maybe he’s doing research on his client?

Oh yes, another thing I know about this movie is Whit’s hood costume. Legit is this Pretty Little Liars?

Photo Feb 09, 11 38 17 PM

Frank gives Rachel a secret cross item that will signal her being in trouble. She will use this, no doubt. In this scene and probably again later.

There are so many people waiting for Rachel at this club, like surrounding the entrance. *RANT ON HOW CELEBRITY IS DIFFERENT THAN IT WAS IN 1992*

I am so annoyed with these fans surrounding her dressing room door. This looks like that Rockumentary episode of Saved by the Bell where Casey Kasem does a fake rock doc of the gang’s band, who have a total of two hits and are the biggest act in the world.

Frank tries to stop Rachel from performing, and he has a point. It’s probably because of the world we live in today, but with Rachel out on stage with a lot of fans in the audience, I’m expecting someone to just shoot her. Horrible, I know, but seriously.

How has she been wearing this outfit under the cape? The entire time?

Rach gets crowd surfed and it’s like, I mean Frank warned you. But also these fans are insane. Get a fucking grip.

Aw Frank is so tender with Rach. He just wants her safe, not because it’s his job, but because he’s starting to care for her as a person. I. AM. INTO. IT.

Rachel: Aren’t you going to ask me why I behave like that?

Frank: I know why.

Why are you eating an apple like you’re fucking George Washington, Frank?

*not george washington, but you get the idea*

Tony starts a fight with Frank in the kitchen (while he’s still eating an apple) but like, again, why? Because he left him at the club by accident?

FRANK IS LIKE BRUH DONT EVEN TRY TO FUCK W ME AND THROWS A KNIFE BY HIS EAR. IT IS HILARIOUS.

Photo Feb 09, 11 28 01 PM

Whit’s rockin a scrunchie with her jogging suit and I appreciate that. But again, it’s 1992, so it’s par for the course.

Rach is straight up asking Frank out on a date. I respect that.

MAYBE IT’S NICKI.

AGAIN – how the fuck is this stalker getting into Rachel’s house??

OK I TOTALLY CALLED THIS GUY WHEN HE TRIED TO GET IN FRONT OF HER AT THE CONCERT Photo Feb 09, 11 28 53 PM

Rachel:  Well, he didn’t look like he wanted to die to me.
Frank: There’s a big difference between wanting to die and having no fear of death.
They walk down the sidewalk.
Rachel: And because he had no fear of death, he was invincible?
Frank: What do you think?
Rachel: Well, he sure creamed ’em all in the end.

Rach and Frank are on a date and at the Graumann’s Chinese Theater, which is the exact place you DON’T want to be at as a high-profile celeb.

HOLY CRAP THE BODYGUARD IS JUST THE MUSIC VIDEO FOR LUCKY

How are people not noticing Rachel at this bar in Hollywood? Actually I’m assuming it’s in Hollywood, but IDK it could be Reseda (that’s a special niche joke for you LA folk).

http://sophiabushs.co.vu/post/63279092947/the-bodyguard-1992

Whit’s eyebrows lit’rally on fleek

Photo Feb 09, 11 29 37 PM

Rach’s making a joke about Frank’s ex being killed while he was protecting her. Oh man he’s gonna be so fucked up when she dies (does she die?!?). He was JKing. BUT ALSO FORESHADOWING (no, but is it I have no idea).

Some extra who looks like Randy Quaid just stared down the barrel of the camera and broke the fourth wall it’s absolutely jarring.

Oh man I Will Always Love You is playing while Frank and Rach are slow dancing and OH MY GOD HAVE SEX ALREDAYYY

“So is this a full service date, Frank?” CAN U NOT

Frank’s really got a thing with orange juice. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

His basement looks like where a stalker would keep his lair dedicated to Rachel.

This is dangerous with the sword. This is how somebody dies.

 

 

 

 

 

Literally exclaimed OH YEAH when they started kissing. I’M INVOLVED NOW.

Frank seems like he’s so into protecting Rachel (see: making her house akin to Fort Knox) but he already broke the rules – he’s been working for her for like a week. And now they’re sleeping together? I mean I’m not complaining. But.

Ugh Frank don’t be rude to Rachel the morning after. He says, “You didn’t do anything. It was me. I involved myself with my client.” You may be working for her but after you’ve had sex, don’t make it sound like prostitution.

Boat Kid (Fletcher) is wearing a windbreaker. Oh to be a 90s kid again.

Rachel got nominated for Best Actress? What movie was she even in?

Police are sweeping the hotel Rachel is staying in, thank God finally they’re taking action.

“Rachel: Quit bitching, Farmer. This is the part you do get paid for.”

SANG WHITNEY. I’M POURING ONE OUT RN.

The top of the hotel is lighting up with Rachel’s name it’s a bit excessive.

Tony sees himself on TV and he’s clearly more interested in fame than the job.

Rach is hitting on Frank’s security guard friend. Out of spite. Come on, you should be better than this.

THIS CHICK:

Frank goes to Rachel’s suite and she’s gone and so is Tony – but they went out shopping. Like fucking tell your people.

The stalker calls Rachel and she thinks its Fletcher and it sounds like:

Rach asks Frank for his help because she realizes the stalker is real. Fucking finally.

I’m watching this with my friend Jennie, and she prefaces the next scenes with “There’s a sub plot coming out of left field” cut to: snow capped mountain.

Frank’s taking her to meet his dad?!!?!?!?!?! Hometown date came quickly. THIS IS SERIOUS.

Oh hey Nicki. Forgot you existed.

“Fletcher can’t swim very well.” *gets in the boat*

Fletcher’s gonna die.

Frank wasn’t with Reagan because he as at his mom’s funeral and THAT’S why he feels guilty.

Frank spends a lot of time drinking and looking out of windows pensively.

Photo Feb 09, 11 30 50 PM

Rachel tugs on the back of Frank’s hot sweater and I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP

The dog is the guard for Rachel’s door literally taking place of Tony. lolz

Nicki’s trouble. She kisses Frank and he’s all like no thanks bye. She’s gonna go crazy.

Nicki can’t even have a solo without Rachel coming to harmonize with her.

Frank notices footsteps in the snow that belong to a human and they notice BOAT KID WHO CAN’T SWIM is in the boat by himself and Frank running to fletch to get himo ff them boat but knocks him off HE CAN’T SWIM and after theyre onthe dock THE FUCKING BOAT EXPLODES WHAT EVEn

Photo Feb 09, 11 31 47 PM

“How are we gonna get the boat back?” Who cares about the fucking boat?!?

How did this stalker know they’re in the Cabin in the Woods. It’s an inside job. TONY??? IS TONY FEEDING THE STAKLER INFO???

I feel like Frank’s going to accidentally shoot someone, and that someone is going to be Rachel. I have a lot of theories. Only some of them are plausible.

Armando “arranged” it with Nicki’s help? Nicki paid someone to kill her sister? I forgot who Armando is.

Ugh this is stressful. Nicki GOT SHOT

Frank has to use a phone booth but Sy has a cell phone? I feel like the bodyguard to the star should have priority just incase SOMEONE WITH A GUN TRIES TO KILL HER.

I mean it’s sad that Nicki died but like, also, karma a little?

Frank to Fletcher: “Everybody’s afraid of something, Fletcher. That’s how we know we care about something, when we’re afraid we’ll lose it.”

Apparently Fletcher has since learned how to swim.

Um I hate that I heard the voice of Chris Connelly from MTV and totally called it before seeing his face.

my childhood

TOBY IS IN THIS???? WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT CHARLIE IN THE GARDEN

Photo Feb 09, 11 34 07 PM

Tony’s drunk. FUCKING DO YOUR GD JOB TONY

Why does everyone have earrings that weight 10 pounds each

Photo Feb 09, 11 35 00 PM

The girl subbing for Rachel performing I Have Nothing at the Oscars is horrible.

I FEEL STRESSED. SOMETHING IS BOUND TO HAPPEN HERE.

Frank is going to take a bullet for Rachel. I’m saying this now. I cannot. MY HEART IS RACING.

Rachel goes on stage to present an award but she runs off because she thinks the envelope is a threatening letter from her stalker. AGAIN, THE STRESS.

Oh so the creepy stalker guy was just a creepy stalker then??

Rachel blames her paranoia on Frank, because he’s worried she’s about to get killed, but she misplaces her anger on him and gets mad and ughhh

Oh no I’m like physically ill Rachel won for best actress and (another bodyguard) Portman is the hitman and he’s acting as a cameraman. Shit is GOING DOWN.

https://youtu.be/lI6Z3xZYu14

GUYS I JUST SPENT THE LAST 20 MINUTES CRYING AND NOT TYPING IT’S FINE.

Final thought: *there needs to be more tongue*

 

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Best Dressed Of Super Bowl 50

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by

Just think: we are now two days past the biggest fashion night in the American football calendar! I grew up rooting for whichever Super Bowl finalist had the best uniform (except for the years the Buffalo Bills were in play, which: the less said the better). Through the iconic halftime shows and national anthems of our youths – Whitney and M.J., anyone? – to the fashion “controversies” of the 2000s – you really don’t want to get me started on Janet and J.T. – Super Bowl Sunday is the most fashion excitement you’ll find in a football game all year. So how did Super Bowl 50 stack up? I’d say it was one of the best Super Bowls yet, sartorially speaking.

Here are the best of the best, in no particular order:

The Super Bowl Logo

So many of us learned Roman numerals through the ever-changing Super Bowl logos – or, for us Catholic schoolers, through a healthy mix of Super Bowl logos and Bible stuff. I liked the unchanging tradition of it, the insistence on being way more fussy than necessary because the Super Bowl is football’s fanciest day. Roman numerals are like when numbers wear a tuxedo – just classy as hell. But to be honest, Super Bowl L looks stupid. We all know it looks stupid. It sort of just looks like we’re saying it is a large Super Bowl. The NFL realized that, and the resulting logo is way better than a large letter L.

Blue Ivy Carter (and her friend Apple)

Somehow Head B.I.C. is always two and a half years old in my brain, so when I see photos of her she always seems like the most self-possessed, mature toddler ever. But no, baby Blue is four now, and her neon bomber jacket reminds me of all of the best parts of being a 90s kid. Also wearing a pretty great jacket: Apple Martin, a smaller Gwyneth Paltrow.

Beyonce’s Dancers

What’s better than one Angela Davis? An entire troop of dancing Angela Davises. And in case you missed what they were going for, check out those Black Panther/ Malcolm X hats. And in case you still REALLY weren’t sure, they will tell you with a Justice for Mario Woods sign. FYI: the leather outfits were designed by Zana Bayne and she has some great behind-the-scenes photos of the day on Instagram. Pam Grier tweeted about the halftime show and I hope she appreciated that her iconic 70s look is back in style.

Kevin Durant

Did you know that Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder is also a photographer? And since we’re talking about fashion here, did you know that Kevin Durant looks really, really good in street clothes? Okay, so a black t-shirt and ripped jeans aren’t exactly something to write home about but… I don’t know, maybe they are?

Lady Gaga

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyqkN3zezso

This outfit reminds me of Lady Gaga’s version of being an elementary school teacher, where they’d wear a turtleneck, chunky sweater, and jumper that all related to the same theme. You know, Miss Frizzle style. I find Gaga’s version of really flooring it, outfit-wise, to be so endearing. She’s in a shiny pantsuit, for Pete’s sake (by Gucci, because Gaga’s still Gaga). And since she’s singining the national anthem, that shit is RED.  With blue nails. And red eyeshadow. And because it’s football, she has the Gaga equivalent of Texas cheer mom hair. The shoes? Stars and stripes. And if you couldn’t tell, I say all of those things with complete affection. Pair this with a note-perfect rendition of the Star Spangled Banner and we have a pop star even your granny would love – fun, patriotic, respectful, and really committed to a theme.

Beyonce

Here’s something I don’t think we talk about enough: how Beyonce has made a signature look out of not wearing pants. She’s such a big deal that we all accept this long sleeve, no pants look and don’t even mention that usually, humans wear something on their lower half. This look was classic Beyonce, but the military styling was also a perfect fit with Formation. We’re told (by designers Dean and Dan Caten) that any resemblance to a certain other iconic Super Bowl halftime show look was strictly coincidental:

Janelle Monae (and company)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCDjsTSWmoo

I’m a sucker for a “(Product) Through The Years” commercial format anyway, but this Pepsi ad was really remarkable. I loved Janelle’s classic James Brown suit, Madonna garb, and modern sequined look. Keep an eye on the background dancers: they look just as great. Now let’s get Janelle a halftime show of her own, why don’t we? And a 2014 Grammy nomination, please, because I still maintain that she should have had one.

Chris Martin

This is on my “bworst” list: gross word, but I mean a combination of best and worst. It’s not technically good, but it’s so very Chris Martin that the second I saw it I was like “oh, of COURSE.” As in, of course he’s wearing a line of Lisa Frank yoga clothes designed for a production of Godspell. Oh bless the Lord my soul. Also the second I saw his little face peeking out between Beyonce and Bruno Mars, I knew he was going to be a meme – so I do want to call attention to the fact that I think he did well and I liked his rainbow color scheme.

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Things We Need to Revisit From Super Bowl 50

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

Last night, millions of Americans tuned in to watch Beyonce take over the field the Denver Broncos beat the Carolina Panthers. The Super Bowl is the U.S.’s most unofficial national holiday, but to me, it’s a free concert surrounded by some football riff raff. But, since I’m not a quitter, and have a bit of FOMO, I still “watched” the game from the comfort of my work office. There were definitely some highlights and lowlights of the Super Bowl, so it’s only fitting that we do a post-mortem on it and revisit a few things that need to have our attention again. And it’s worth noting that surprisingly, a majority of these things have absolutely nothing to do with football.

Tom Brady Lit’rally Missing the Mark

Because it’s the 50th Super Bowl, the NFL had to be all nostalgic and whatnot, so before the game, they had a ceremony honoring the 43 game MVPs of the past. Among them was New England Patriots QB and polarizing athlete Tom Brady. Deflategate and all. First of all, each MVP had to come out, stand on the yellow dot on the field, wave to the crowd then join the others on the side. Tom lit’rally missed the mark and just walked out and waved then joined the MVPs. To make things worse, he got booed by the crowd of Broncos and Panthers fans. I have a lot of friends from New England, so I’m not going to comment (I also have no opinion, really) but I mean, yikes.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose

Hey, remember when Scott Porter (Jason Street) posted this FNL reunion pic from one of his football parties and everyone freaked out? I feel like we also need to freak out about this picture of Street and Lance/Landry from yesterday’s game. Dear people who run next year’s Super Bowl (NFL, I guess? lol), stage a FNL reunion at the game and you’ll get a lot of publicity. I mean, not like the Super Bowl needs it, but still.

SLAYDAY GAGA

Believe it or not, there are still people who aren’t aware that Stefani Germanotta is actually a really great, trained singer and not just a woman who wears a meat dress to the VMAs. So for those expecting her to look ridiculous and make a spectacle of the National Anthem were shit out of luck because Gaga showed off her impressive vocal talents and didn’t go over the top with her runs. It was pretty much perfect, so just watch the entire performance again.

Is This Not Grease 2: Live

This fellow’s name is Jonathan Stewart and when he scored a touchdown for the Panthers, his dance involved the hand jive. For those of us who were tweeting #GreaseLive all of a week ago, we had hope Aaron Tveit and Vanessa Hudgens would suddenly appear at the Super Bowl.

That Independence Day Trailer

The trailer for the Independence Day sequel aired during the Super Bowl, and props to the marketing team for this one – the first shot is an aerial shot of a crowded football stadium and someone is singing the National Anthem (a female pop star?) in the background. Then havoc ensues. Too real. I got chills.

Stealth The Wire Reunion

https://youtu.be/MYeM-8hO3hM

No, Idris Elba wasn’t involved, unfortunately. This Wire mini-reunion is from S2, the dockworkers played by Pablo Schreiber and Chris Bauer, who use a Prius as a getaway car after robbing a bank. So, like, the same thing as The Wire.

Salty Brother

I’m not a football aficionado or anything, but here’s the situation as I know it. Peyton Manning, QB for the Broncos played in the Super Bowl for what could be his last game before retiring. His younger brother, Giants QB Eli Manning was not playing in the Super Bowl, but watching from a box with his family. They cut to the Manning family after Peyton made some kind of successful play, and Eli didn’t look thrilled. Personally, I think he just looks stressed on behalf of his brother, but others are thinking he’s hating his life and jealous of his bro. Whatever you want to believe.

Super Bowl Babies

Just, no. I don’t like this. Is it even a thing? Or did the NFL just make it up? But they got people to talk about it, so mission accomplished.

Live Your Best Life

This guy doesn’t know who Coldplay is, doesn’t know who Mark Ronson is, doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is. Vaguely familiar with Beyonce because she’s been on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Beyonce and Friends

Here’s one thing I know about the Chris Martin and Coldplay – they must be REALLY REALLY nice, kind-hearted people to invite Beyonce on stage to make an appearance at their headlining half-time show at the Super Bowl, because the moment she walks on stage, it’s the Beyonce and Friends show.

Bow Down Bitches

Beyonce. Shuttin’ it down. Getting the fuck back up again. All day. Every day. Watching on loop.

Confused Cookie

Oh Taraji. She was just living her life, enjoying the Super Bowl as one does, and accidentally thought Coldplay was Maroon 5. It’s fine. She realized her mistake and deleted the tweet. We all make mistakes. all white people look alike anyways.

Gotta Get That Free Pizza Tho

I don’t know enough about this friendship, but why is Papa John of Papa John’s one of the only people Peyton reaches out to hug right after winning the Super Bowl? I’m as confused as Taraji.

 

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Mama From ‘All-Of-A-Kind Family’ Was Some Kind Of Genius: C+S Book Club

Posted in Entertainment by

Sweep out the sukkah and check the china shepherdess for buttons, because it’s time for another edition of C+S Book Club! Rather than lamenting that Amy March is a total bitch, or revealing that Marilla Cuthbert was, in fact, a creepy church hag, today we’re going to talk about someone who is better than you and I could ever dream of being: Mama from Sydney Taylor’s All-Of-A-Kind Family. Mama was so clever and calculating that I almost wanted to call her an evil genius, but she was also the kindest, most chill mother in RL-4 chapter book history.

Look. I don’t have children. But I did read that one book about how our children would be classier if we raised them like French children, and I’ve seen some episodes of SuperNanny, which is a show about how our children would be classier if we raised them like British children from 1905. Plus I’ve read those articles that Facebook friends post about why children shouldn’t have technology and fast food, as well as those other articles that Facebook friends post about why children should have technology and fast food. And let me tell you: not a ONE of those so-called experts had anything on Mama. Case in point: her dusting scheme.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then chances are you didn’t read All-Of-A-Kind Family. If you did read it, the dusting ploy is seared in your memory along with chocolate babies and that time Henny got lost in Coney Island. (FREAKING HENNY, am I right?) The chapter was titled Dusting Is Fun, because it was 1951 and Sydney Taylor didn’t really have to try (honestly, what was her competition in children’s entertainment? The show Lassie. That’s it.). By the end of that chapter you, a grubby-faced 90s kid wearing a t-shirt decorated with puff paint, wished you were an old-fashioned child in the Lower East Side dusting for free. And for fun. That is how powerful Mama’s dusting plot was.

Ready for the scheme IN ITS ENTIRITY? Hold on to your pinafore. Mama hid buttons around the front parlor. By the way, their house only had like 4 rooms and one of them was a parlor used strictly for fancy decorations and pianos, that’s how high-class Mama was. Okay, so then the dusting girl had to find all of the buttons while she was dusting. Also Mama got straight-up sneaky with it, like those buttons were under table legs and piano keys. You had to DUST. IT. UP. If you found all of the buttons, you had done a good job dusting.

All right, let’s talk about the genius parts of this plan:

  1. The girls never knew how many buttons there were. Say you’ve found 5 buttons. You couldn’t just call it quits at that point, because maybe there were 9 buttons that day. You had to dust every damn thing, and only then could you be sure you had all of the buttons.
  2. Mama kept it fresh. Sometimes she’d bring out the buttons a few times a week, and sometimes she’d wait two weeks because what did she care, she had those little dusting girls under her spell and they would WAIT FOR IT. They’d wait for those buttons.
  3. In case you missed it, the prize was that you had done a good job dusting. Mama raised her kids to want to do a very good job at something because it feels good to know that you’ve done a very good job. Mama quarantined four children with scarlet fever in a spotless 4-room apartment during Passover; she knew that you didn’t get a ticker tape parade every time you did a damn chore.
  4. But Mama was the best ever because one week she hid a penny every day. Judging by how much candy the girls could buy for a penny, it was basically a dollar. Do you know how great it is to find a dollar when you’re cleaning? Ella, Henny, Sarah, Charlotte and Gertie sure do.

Mama wasn’t all dusting and parlors, though. She also was really good looking. The girls introduced her to the Library Lady and they were so proud because even though she had, at the time, 5 children, she didn’t look like the other women in the neighborhood: “like mattresses tied about the middle.” Which admittedly sounds harsh, but you know exactly what they mean. I’m sure they’d all love Mama just as much if she were a lumpy mattress-lady, but the point is Mama had a whole bunch of kids and her figure and outfits were still on point.

While Mama enforced rules, she was lenient when it mattered. When Sarah made that big fuss about not eating her rice soup that one day, Mama stuck to her guns, but once Sarah had a few bites of the gross congealed soup she let her move onto something more appetizing. (I loved re-reading that chapter, because it so reminded me of when you’d get stubborn about something or throw a fit as a kid, and you wouldn’t even know why you were doing it, but you couldn’t will yourself to stop.) And when Gertie and Charlotte used their pennies to buy candy and crackers and ate them in bed, Mama played it like she had no clue, just because it makes kids feel smart and important having a secret.

The All-Of-A-Kind Family was medium-poor. They were second generation-ish Jewish immigrants on the Lower East Side in 1912 long before their neighborhood became some sort of real estate holding for foreign billionaires. However, Papa had a scrap shop and they lived on one floor of a house instead of in a crowded tenement, so they were doing pretty okay. Mama was really good at being medium-poor. She was frugal where it counted, but she still allowed for splurges like a trip to Coney Island, or a treat when they went to the market.

If I can have one quibble about Mama, it’s that she finally had a boy and she named it Charlie. Look. One of my favorite real-life little boys is named Charley. It’s a great name. PLUS Adult Charlie from the book is such a cool grownup. You spend the whole time hoping that he and the Library Lady will meet and hit it off and … well. You know the rest. (Also: another post about the Library Lady, maybe?). So it’s great that Mama names a kid after him. It’s just … Mama. Did you forget you already have a Charlotte? She’s going to have so much Middle Child Syndrome. On the whole Mama picked good names – Library Lady even said! – so I can’t be too annoyed. And at least she didn’t name him after Uncle Hyman.

Library Lady = the Miss Honey of this series.

If I have kids, I’m going to skip the parenting guide telling me to make my children be more French. I’ll bypass the naughty step. I’ll steer clear of the Facebook click-bait. As far as I’m concerned, the best parenting guide there is this one weird old chapter book with no real plot. If I am even 1/10th of the benevolent evil genius Mama is, I think my kids would turn out just fine.

 

Wiki-Wiki-Whattt? : OJ Simpson Key Player Facts I Learned Online

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

Show of hands for everyone who watched The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story on Tuesday night?? Great. Most of you. You’re not alone. 5.1 million viewers also watched the premiere of the latest true crime addiction, and guys, it’s worth it. People from their late 20s up probably remember the OJ Simpson case clearly, since it was covered by the media in excess from 1994 to 1995. As for me, I don’t necessarily remember being glued to the trial since I was nine years old, but I do remember my 4th grade social studies teacher Ms. Reinhardt bringing in one of those TVs on a large rolling cart on October 3rd, 1995, the day the verdict came out. I remember her saying something akin to, “This is an important moment in U.S. history, we’re going to watch this.” And we did. And she was right. 20 years later, America is still compelled to the story, and it’s just as intriguing as ever.

But seeing as how we were kids when this first came into the public eye, I didn’t exactly understand or know all the facts. I also didn’t care enough to do more research on the people with Encarta. But now that the Internet exists, specifically Wikipedia, finding facts about this case and the folks in it is as easy as pie. While I was watching Tuesday’s episode, I was switching between Wiki and IMDb needing more info. Here are some surprising facts about the key players in the OJ Simpson trial that I found out thanks to my extensive Internet research. What a time to be alive.

Robert Shapiro

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer

Played by: John Travolta

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Is the co-founder of ShoeDazzle.com, an online fashion subscription service that you probably know from annoying pop-ups on your Internet journey. He is also the voice of, and pictured in, the TV commercials for LegalZoom, the online legal technology company he co-founded in 2001.

Johnnie Cochran

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer

Played by: Courtney B. Vance

Wiki-Wiki-What?: A month after his victory with OJ, Johnnie scored another big legal win with another high-profile client – Tupac Shakur. In early 1995, Tupac had been sentenced to 1 1/2 to 4 1/2 years at New York’s Riker’s Island prison stemming from a 1993 sexual assault case. Thanks to Johnnie’s help, Tupac was released after Death Row Records execs put up some of the $1.4 million bail. Tupac would be killed a year later.

Robert Kardashian

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer/ BFF

Played by: David Schwimmer

Wiki-Wiki-What?: He definitely doesn’t have any famous family members LOLOL Ok but frreal,in 1973, Robert co-founded a trade publication called Radio & Records that provided news and airplay information for the radio and music industries. It was used as a ref for a number of countdown shows throughout the years, including Casey Kasem’s American Top 40, Solid Gold, and Rick Dees Weekly Top 40. It was relaunched as a sister trade to Billboard and had its final issue in 2009.

F. Lee Bailey

Role in Case: OJ Simpson’s defense lawyer

Played by: Nathan Lane

Wiki-Wiki-What?: He served as the defense lawyer for Patty Hearst in 1976, when the 19-year-old newspaper heiress was on trial for committing armed bank robberies under the control of the Symbionese Liberation Army (cray revolutionary/terrorist group). They kidnapped her, sexually assaulted and brainwashed her, hence the robberies.  Bailey failed to win the case, and Patty was sentenced to seven years in prison. Almost two years later, President Carter commuted her sentence and in 2001 she was pardoned by Bill Clinton.

Nicole Brown Simpson

Role in Case: Victim

Played by: Kelly Dowdle

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Nicole first met OJ when she was 18 and working as a waitress at upscale Beverly Hills/Rodeo Drive nightclub Daisy. He was still married to his first wife Marguerite when they started dating and he subsequently divorce Marguerite two years after meeting Nicole.

Ron Goldman

Role in Case: Victim

Played by:  Jake Koeppl

Wiki-Wiki-What?: He occassionally worked as a nightclub promoter throughout Los Angeles, and also worked as a waiter and had aspirations to be an actor. In 1992, he appeared as a contestant on the short-lived game show Studs (this clip is fabulously 90s), which was basically a dating show with hot guys (Jon Hamm and Chris Hardwick were also contestants on said show).

Marcia Clark

Role in Case: Lead prosecutor

Played by: (The amazing) Sarah Paulson

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Marcia played District Attorney Sidney Barnes in a 2013 episode of Pretty Little Liars called Now You See Me, Now You Don’t. She gives the good news to Hanna’s mom that the murder charge against her (for killing Detective Wilden) were dropped after the real killer was identified. I watch PLL and I don’t remember this. Apparently Marcia’s a big PLL fan.

Christopher Darden

Role in Case: Deputy DA, Marcia Clark’s co-counsel

Played by: Sterling K. Brown

Wiki-Wiki-What?: In 1997, Christopher married Marcia Carter, who was the vice president and corporate controller of Rysher Entertainment, a TV and movie production and distribution company. You might be familiar with the company if you stayed through the end title credits of shows like Saved by the Bell, Star Search or Sex and the City.

Judge Lance Ito

Role in Case: Judge in the trial

Played by: Kenneth Choi

Wiki-Wiki-What?: After apparently meeting on the v romantic setting of an Eagle Rock, California murder scene, he married Margaret Ann York, the first woman to attain the rank of Deputy Chief in the LAPD, making her the highest-ranking woman officer in that department when she retired in 2002.

Paula Barbieri

Role in Case: OJ’s girlfriend at the time of the murders

Played by: Angie Patterson

Wiki-Wiki-What?: OJ and Nicole divorced in 1992, and he had been dating the model/actress for a while until the morning of the murders, she allegedly left OK a 30-minute long message on his answering machine to break up with him. She said in the voicemail that she was flying to Las Vegas to be with Michael Bolton – yes that Michael Bolton. They had met on the set of his 1994 music video for the song Completely, and apparently fell in love? Well doesn’t matter because she stuck by OJ’s side for a while until she couldn’t take the pressure of the murder trial anymore.

Kato Kaelin

Role in Case: Witness/friend of OJ and Nicole/lived in OJ’s guest house at the time of the murders

Played by: Billy Magnussen

Wiki-Wiki-What?: Following the trial, he made a number of appearances, including the very first episode of MADtv, and Mr. Show with Bob and David. He was also randomly BFFs with SNL alum Norm Macdonald.

 

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Kylie, Jane, Riley, Shane: Let’s Discuss Olsen Twin Character Names

Posted in Entertainment by

Few people will experience admiration, envy, and inferiority like those of us who were born the same year as Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. When our parents were applauding us for holding our heads up unsupported, the Olsen twins were starring as Michelle Tanner on Full House. When we were writing our first names in shaky printing, they released an album of children’s songs complete with a tv special. They produced video series before we were allowed to babysit, and had a clothing line before we could drive.

All that and their characters always had dope-as-hell names, too.

The Olsen twins had the best of everything in the 90s and early 2000s – the FLYEST of sunflower hats, the cutest bowl-cutted nonthreatening boyfriends, the most spacious well-decorated tween bedrooms – but their character names took the cake. Often several years ahead of the popular names ACTUALLY given to girls born in 1986, they were cutting edge (at the time), super cute (again, at the time), and exactly what you wished you were named as a 5th grader.

To Grandmother’s House We Go

The year: 1992

The names: Sarah and Julie

Before the Olsen twins were the girls everyone wanted to be – or before the twins got to influence character names themselves – their characters actually had some of the most common names for girls our age. Trust me, there were about 6 Sarahs in our graduating class. A lot of kids’ movies give the characters names that either are popular with way younger kids (a high schooler of today named Harper, e.g.) or that were popular when the writers were kids (a high schooler of today named Stacey). This early O.T. movie hit the nail on the 1986 head.

Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

The Year: 1993

The names: Kelly and Lynn

Still a real mixed bag. Kelly wasn’t a NEW popular name in 1993. It was ranked 29 when the Olsens were born (’86), had fallen to 51 by 1993, and was in the top 100 since 1959. But thanks to Kelly Kapowski, it was still right in the cool-girl zeitgeist in the early 90s. Lynn, on the other hand – perfectly nice name, but it was actually ranked in the 400s in 1986 and 779 (!) in 1993. You’ll see some major changes when the O.T.s hit their tween years, so hang on to your hats.

How The West Was Fun

The Year: 1994

The names: Jessica and Suzy

Ah, Jessica. Ranked either number 1 or 2 from 1981 to 1997. If you run into a woman from her early 20s to early 30s, and you can’t remember her name, try Jessica. It’s a good bet. (And a fine name! No shade to Jessica).

Then there’s Suzy. Probably a nickname for Susan, Suzanne, or Susannah, it was way more popular in the boomer era than among millennials. Safe to say we’re still looking at a case of writers using a name that was popular when THEY were children. (Definitely no shade to Suzy either! Susan and Susannah are two of my favorite girl names.) But keep those hands on those hats (usually a denim hat with a big fake flower on it, if I’m remembering my Olsen movies). A storm’s a-brewin’.

It Takes Two

The Year: 1995

The names: Amanda and Alyssa

Now we’re getting somewhere. This was the Olsens’ first big theatrical release, and to my nine-year-old ears these were some of the best names around. You have to remember, the long, flowy, ends-with-an-A names on the modern top 100 list were but a twinkle in future baby namers’ eyes back then. Amanda and Alyssa were like the Isabella, Sophia, or Olivia of the time. Sure, they might feel too common to me as an adult, but if I were a kid I’d think they were beautiful.

Billboard Dad

The Year: 1998

The names: Tess and Emily

Friends. This, I argue, is when everything changed. First of all, this was the first direct-to-video movie of the tween Olsen era, with love interests and Limited Too-looking clothing and freaking butterfly clips. If you can find it, watch it. It’s like waking from a dream to find yourself in 1998, that’s how 1998 it is.

But you know what isn’t terribly 1998? The name Tess. It was ranked 572 that year, and 855 the year the Olsens were born. It hasn’t gotten any more popular since then, but add an -a and you have Tessa, a name that has absolutely flown up the charts. We’re looking at the beginning of cool, tween Olsens who had cool, tween names. Emily was the requisite familiar, standard name in the duo: number 1 in 1998, 24 in 1986.

Passport To Paris

The Year: 1999

The names: Melanie and Allyson

Melanie was most popular in the 1970s but has mostly hovered around number 100 or so. (An aside, if you’re naming a kid: my name, Molly, is also usually right around number 100 and never got much more popular than that. It’s a great popularity level because everyone knows it, but you don’t actually meet that many people who share your name.)

Allyson, though, was part of that really cool (again AT THE TIME) 90s trend of using a Y instead of an I in names. Sure, it’s played-out now, but do you remember when people first discovered you could do that? For a few years there it felt like every girl was named Madyson or Megyn or Lyndsey.  So there are three other Alisons, of various spellings, in her class? She’s the only ALLYSON-WITH-A-Y, and for a brief, shining moment in 1999, that was enough.

Switching Goals

The Year: 1999

The names: Sam and Emma

YES. There was this thing in the 90s where if a girl character was sort of sporty and tomboyish, but still cute and cool, her name was Sam. Sometimes her name might be Dani or Alex, but usually Sam. It’s as though even when she was in the womb her parents were like “welp, got ourselves a chill tomboy on our hands. Best give her a feminine name with a masculine nickname,” and Samantha was born. (Another no-shade disclaimer: I have a cousin Samantha-nicknamed-Sam, and I’ve always liked her name.)

Emma has been so entrenched in the top 10 list for so long that it’s easy to forget when it was the vintage-y interloper. It sneaked up the list through the 80s and 90s, a fresh alternative to the more common Emily, before landing in the top ten and eventually overtaking Emily.

Our Lips Are Sealed

The Year: 2000

The Names: Maddie and Abby

We are now entering peak ‘baby names on teenagers’ -era Olsens. Were there Maddies and Abbys born in 86? Hell yes. I know a Madeline my age and I have a cousin named Abbey. But Abigail rose from the mid-100s in 1986 to the top 10 in 2001. When this movie came out it was sounding super-fresh, moreso than typical 86-er names like, ahem, Sarah and Julie (no offense, To Grandmother’s House We Go). The Mad- names, like Madeline, Madelyn and Madison, collectively skyrocketed throughout the 90s. If you were a 13-year-old girl in 2000, Maddie sounded SO MUCH COOLER than your name, which was probably Kimberly or Nicole.

Winning London

The Year: 2001

The Names: Chloe and Riley

Chloe and Riley would have made excellent names for characters born around 2001 – you know, like Riley from Girl Meets World. But Riley’s rank in 1986, when this character was ostensibly born, was 1342. 1342 is “what was your mother smoking while pregnant”-level weird – and I LIKE uncommon names. Chloe fared a bit better, but at 461, it was still “quirky on purpose” if you were born in the 80s. I submit that this is the point where, if they weren’t before, the Olsen Twins began picking their characters’ names. How do I know? Because if you asked me to name a baby in 2001, when I was 14, I probably would have said something like Chloe or Riley.

So Little Time

The Year: 2001

The Names: Riley and Chloe

What can I say. The names so nice, they used them twice.

Holiday In The Sun

The Year: 2001

The Names: Madison and Alex

We already discussed Maddie, but let’s get into Madison. In 1983, Madison wasn’t even on the charts, meaning it was given to fewer than five girls in the entire country. In 1984, a few dozen babies had it. A few hundred in 1985. By 2001, it was ranked number 2. Just chalk it up to the timeless allure of Daryl Hannah, who played a mermaid named Madison in the 1984 film Splash. Madison was a joke. She said it was her name while looking at the street sign for Madison Avenue. Yet Daryl never really took off for girls – go figure.

The Alex- names (Alexandra, Alexandria, Alexis, Alexa) also soared throughout the 90s and reached their peak in the early 2000s. Like Sam, it was a popular character name for sassy tomboys during this time.

Getting There

The Year: 2002

The Names: Kylie and Taylor

90s and 2000s trend: unisex/male names and surnames for girls. It’s still going strong, but it seemed a lot more novel in 2002. Back then, before we knew what a Kardashian was, Kylie felt like a modern, original alternative to Kayla and Kaylee. And before we knew what a Swift was, Taylor felt streamlined and cute, fitting on a studious girl or a bubbly athlete. What’s even more interesting than the rise of these names in the 90s is that both have fallen quite a bit lately. I bet if this movie were made in 2016, the cool tweens with unisex/surname names would be called Ainsley and Harper, or Hadley and Peyton.

When In Rome

The Year: 2002

The Names: Charli and Leila

I’ve been diplomatic about the names that aren’t my personal style so far, but Charli on a girl sets my teeth on edge, and not just because I have a nephew named Charley (my nieces and nephews all have names that sound like they’re from British children’s books from the 1910s, for which I’m very grateful to my siblings.) Charli is a fine as a nickname for Charlotte, but I can’t get behind it as a full name. But since the twins had already used Sam and Alex, what were they supposed to do? It had to be Charli. There was nowhere else to go.

Leila falls into one of the other big trends of the 2000s – the short, double L girl names. Leila, Layla, Lila, Lily, Lyla, Lola – no single one is huge, but as a group they are taking over. The dominant sound of the 80s, when the characters would have been born, is more of the three-syllable, ends in ee variety: Tiffany, Brittany, Stephanie, Kimberly, Mallory, Bethany, and so forth.

The Challenge

The Year: 2003

The Names: Shane and Lizzie

I’m not familiar with this one, but WHO COULD THE REBELLIOUS TOMBOY BE? (My money is on Shane. Especially because she was played by Mary-Kate. Always the rogue, that M.K.) Other than the boy name on a girl thing, it was actually pretty off-trend in 2003. Not only was Shane never popular for girls, the Sh…n… girl names were bigger in the 70s and 80s. Shana, Shayna, Shawna, Sheena, Shannon. I guess M.K. was really ~expressing herself here.

I assume Lizzie was the clean-cut, straight laced kid who was president of the homework club or whatever. Interesting only because the Olsens’ sister, arguably the most relevant Olsen in 2016, is named Elizabeth/Lizzie.

New York Minute

The Year: 2004

The Names: Roxanne (Roxy) and Jane

Do you remember how big this movie was supposed to be? The Olsens missed prom to host SNL during promotion! The posters were up forever – I should know, because I was a high school senior doing time at a movie theater concession stand. It didn’t take off like it was supposed to, but Mary-Kate and Ashley really came into their own, name-wise, with this one. The sister who wears concert tees and likes black: Roxy. Of course. It felt especially hip at the time because Roxy, the surfwear brand, was huge in middle America. Jane was just the kind of vintage name that was cool because nobody was using it – sort of like Hazel, if Hazel hadn’t gotten so popular. I hope it stays that way, because Jane is totally on my short list if I ever have a kid. What can I say, those Olsen twins really know how to name them.