Author Archives: Molly

Hamilton Explained: Guns and Ships

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With only days to go before the release of Hamiltome (Hamilton: The Revolution if you’re not all up in LMM’s twitter), it feels like time to take a stab at explaining some more Hamilton lyrics before we have all of the answers right in front of us.

If you’re just joining us, you can catch up:

Since Guns and Ships has the fastest, hardest-to-catch raps in the whole show, we think it could use a little explicating. As always, please head over to Genius to check out the annotations there, too. We make an effort not to duplicate their comments but there’s obviously gonna be some overlap.

You know how it goes: lyrics are in italics. Our stuff’s in regular fonts. Ready? Everyone give it up for America’s favorite fighting Frenchman!

Guns And Ships

BURR:
How does a ragtag volunteer army in need of a shower

  • You don’t need us to explain that one: here, we are back to the cadence and rhyme pattern of Alexander Hamilton (How does a bastard, orphan son of a whore…). We even land on a similar rhyme (squalor/scholar vs shower/power).
  • But let’s go back to LMM’s explanation of the opening number: “the thing about Hamilton is he spoke in paragraphs. So the opening sentence of our show is this crazy, run-on sentence.” [Source] When we’re talking about the war, instead of Hamilton himself, the questions get more concise. After all, Burr didn’t mince words. Talk less, smile more.
  • “Ragtag volunteer army” sure does check out. Originally a collection of smaller militias, the Continental Army wasn’t established until a ways into the war. If you remember reading about another European helper, Baron Von Steuben, in high school, the army’s hit-or-miss training and discipline will ring a bell.
  • “In need of a shower”: we’ll let General Washington take this one — “Soap is another article in great demand–the Continental allowance is too small, and dear, as every necessary of life is now got, a soldier’s pay will not enable him to purchase, by which means his consequent dirtiness adds not a little to the disease of the Army.” — George Washington, Letter to the Committee of Congress, July 19, 1777 [source]

Somehow defeat a global superpower?

  • Global superpower: A fun anachronism (if you’re a history nerd, anyway.) “Superpower” describes nations that mastered the seven dimensions of state power (geography, population, economy, resources, military, diplomacy and national identity), and was first used in the WWII era to apply to the United Kingdom, the U.S. and the Soviet Union. [source] Through the lens of modern international relations, the British Empire was a major superpower during the 18th century – with thriving trade, an advantageous geopolitical position, and a lot of colonies. Some of whom hated them.

How do we emerge victorious from the quagmire?
Leave the battlefield waving Betsy Ross’ flag higher?

  • So, there’s quagmire – like a gross swamp – and quagmire, like a snafu. But quagmire is also used frequently to describe international conflicts that were caused by muddling where you shouldn’t. [See, e.g.] The “quagmire theory” explains how the U.S. unintentionally got involved in Vietnam, by a series of bad decisions that lead us further and further into the muck as we tried to negotiate several overlapping dilemmas. LMM’s probably using “quagmire” in the “big old mess” sense, but since we’re using other 20th century warfare terms, Burr could also be alluding to the fact that the US (or Britain??) shouldn’t have ended up in this position in the first place.
  • Ah, Betsy Ross, heroine of so many third grade history fair dioramas. She sewed, and possibly helped design, the American flag, and has a particularly adorable house in Philadelphia. [source]
  • Also also. This is fun:

Yo. Turns out we have a secret weapon!
An immigrant you know and love who’s unafraid to step in!

  • Both Hamilton and Lafayette are referred to as immigrants in Act I. Which, on one hand, of course they are. But it’s interesting because it feels almost like we don’t usually refer to anyone as an “immigrant” during the Colonial era. Yet, there were differences between colonists who were born in the (future) U.S.A. and those who came from abroad – even if only in familiarity with the country and its customs. LMM’s goal was to eliminate the distance between the audience and these historical figures, and a part of that is reminding us that then, as now, immigrants could be counted on to get the job done.

He’s constantly confusin’, confoundin’ the British henchmen

  • To name a few: Battle of Gloucester (thanks to excellent reconnaissance work, he helped uncover British positions and defeated Cornwallis – oh, and his leg was still busted from the Battle of Brandywine); Albany (he recruited the Oneida and dissuaded America from a poorly conceived attack on Quebec); Battle of Barren Hill (the outnumbered Continental Army had to retreat, so Lafayette had soldiers in the woods periodically fire on the British Army to make the colonists seem more prolific).

Ev’ryone give it up for America’s favorite fighting Frenchman!

  • This is true. Lafayette was SUPER POPULAR and beloved. Like, the precursor to the popularity of those French Women Don’t Get Fat and French Kids Eat Their Damn Dinner books that are so trendy now. There’s an entire Wikipedia entry about this time he came back to America to say hey. [source]

COMPANY:
Lafayette!

LAFAYETTE:
I’m takin this horse by the reins makin’
Redcoats redder with bloodstains

  • “Horse by the reins” is a popular expression, but maybe was included because artists LOVED to show Lafayette holding onto a pony:

To be fair, it was a popular pose with 18th century military guys. Like Georgian duck-lips.

  • “Redcoats” – the nickname of the British army, due to their snappy red coats.
  • During this line, I can’t help but think of Jay-Z (I know we’ve mentioned Empire State of Mind before, but whatever, it’s a modern classic): I make a Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can. Lafayette makes a redcoat redder than his red coat can.

COMPANY:
Lafayette!

LAFAYETTE:
And I’m never gonna stop until I make ‘em
Drop and burn ‘em up and scatter their remains, I’m

  • Lin-Manuel Miranda has said that hip hop had to be the language of this musical because it allowed for more syllables per measure than any other genre. [source] This is the fastest verse, at 19 words in 3 seconds, which makes this the hardest one to sing along to but I’m trying; we’re all trying. [source]
  • Oh, look who’s better at English than all of those Englishman (an immigrant, of course!).

COMPANY:
Lafayette!

LAFAYETTE:
Watch me engagin’ em! Escapin’ em!
Enragin’ em! I’m—

  • We covered escapin’ em above (Battle of Barren Hill). How about engagin’ em and enragin’ em? The Yorktown campaign. Lafayette cut Cornwallis’ naval troops off, and again used his fun trick of random attacks by Continental troops to make their forces seem larger.

COMPANY:
Lafayette!

LAFAYETTE:
I go to France for more funds

COMPANY:
Lafayette!

  • Lafayette went to France in 1779, where he tried to persuade France and ally Spain to attack Britain. Also, his son was born that winter – named George Washington Lafayette.

LAFAYETTE:
I come back with more

LAFAYETTE AND ENSEMBLE:
Guns
And ships

  • Yes, but. France got very “the check’s in the mail” with the ships and the fleet took a while to arrive. Also included in the deal: General Rochambeau and 6,000 soldiers.

And so the balance shifts

  • The phrase “turning point of the American Revolution” was probably drilled into your head to describe the Battle of Saratoga at some point during AP US History. It was a pivotal victory, sure. But gaining a tactical ally in France helped tip the balance from “global Superpower” England and the “ragtag volunteer army in need of a shower.” Hundreds of years later, we still debate whether the U.S. could have won the revolution without French aid.

WASHINGTON:
We rendezvous with Rochambeau, consolidate their gifts

  • Rochambeau shows up in the colonies, hangs back for a long time because there aren’t enough forces to really do anything, kind of pulls an Emma Watson and chills at Brown for a while. He marches his guys over to rendezvous with Washington in Mount Kisco NY, home of the Ragtime house which is ALSO Samantha Parkington’s house, who knew. It did not exist in 1781. From there, they marched together to Yorktown. It was quite a trip.

LAFAYETTE:
We can end this war at Yorktown, cut them off at sea, but

  • Lafayette trapped the British by land at Malvern Hill while the French fleet blockaded the British. Yorktown didn’t stand a chance.

For this to succeed, there is someone else we need:

WASHINGTON:
I know

WASHINGTON AND COMPANY:
Hamilton!

  • Also Baron Von Steuben, whose forces Lafayette joined with, but who is not relevant to this musical production.

LAFAYETTE:
Sir, he knows what to do in a trench

 

  • Which maybe doesn’t seem like a Revolutionary War thing, but it is – the scrappy Americans and French dug a trench to help with the cutoff of Cornwallis’ troops. [source]

Ingenuitive and fluent in French, I mean—

  • Before there was spellcheck, there was A.Ham, who proofed Lafayette’s petitions for more supplies. [source]

WASHINGTON AND COMPANY:
Hamilton!

LAFAYETTE:
Sir, you’re gonna have to use him eventually
What’s he gonna do on the bench? I mean—

  • Hamilton was “manning George’s journal” and had to drop some major hints before he was handed a command of Lafayette’s light infantry battalion. [source]

WASHINGTON AND COMPANY:
Hamilton!

LAFAYETTE:
No one has more resilience
Or matches my practical tactical brilliance—

  • Or, as George says in the letter they’re singing about, “I am convinced that no officer can with justice dispute your merit and abilities.” [source]

WASHINGTON AND COMPANY:
Hamilton!

LAFAYETTE:
You wanna fight for your land back?

COMPANY:
Hamilton!

WASHINGTON:
I need my right hand man back!

  • This was a push-and-pull between Washington and Hamilton throughout the war: Washington wanted Hamilton as his “right hand man” while Hamilton wanted field experience.

WOMEN:
Hamilton!

LAFAYETTE:                                                        MEN:
Ah! Uh, get ya right hand man back                        Get your right hand man back!
You know you gotta get ya right hand man back      Your right hand man back!

I mean you gotta put                                           Hamilton!
some thought into the letter                                 Ha—
but the sooner the better                                     Ha—
To get your right hand man back!

  • There was a lot of letter drama in the 1780s. Hamilton delivered one of George’s letters for him, stopped to chit-chat with Lafayette, and Washington got pissy about it. So Hamilton flounced off and quit for like a handful of months until he got the Yorktown commission. [source]
  • “The letter, the sooner the better” – reference either to Please Mister Postman by the Marvelettes, or to the children’s rhyme (deliver the letter, the sooner the better, the later the letter the madder I getter… I think there’s more, I’m so old that I sent letters as a child so you’ll have to bear with me.)

WOMEN, MEN:
Hamilton, Hamilton!
Ha— ha—!

WASHINGTON:
Alexander Hamilton
Troops are waiting in the field for you
If you join us right now, together we can turn the tide
Oh, Alexander Hamilton
I have soldiers that will yield for you
If we manage to get this right
They’ll surrender by early light
The world will never be the same, Alexander…

  • Once again, we return to the style of Alexander Hamilton.
  • Solders that will yield for you – Washington’s hesitation about appointing Hamilton to a command wasn’t that he thought Hamilton wasn’t up to it. It’s that there were other, longer-serving officers who would take it as a slight. Appointing Hamilton required not only regular soldiers to yield, but also an officer to yield his expected promotion. [source]
  • “The world will never be the same” is a motif throughout the show, alluding not just to Hamilton’s desire to make a difference but to be KNOWN for making a difference. After their little falling out, real-life Washington also appealed to Hamilton’s ego.
  • The Battle of Yorktown was an important strategic victory, so the world really was never the same.
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Questions, Comments, Concerns: Curly Sue

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Curly Sue is having a MOMENT. Alisan Porter is back on TV, the movie is streaming on Amazon Prime, and believe it or not, the 90s sets and outfits look surprisingly fresh. All of that meant that we were due for a rewatch – but don’t worry, we have some comments, questions, and concerns about the whole thing.

Concern: It’s been so long since I’ve seen this movie, it almost feels like it should be a Pop Culture Blind Spots post.

Curly Sue was a mainstay of early 90s HBO, and I used to watch it constantly. But that was 25 years ago, and I was a little kid. What I remember: a shyster pals around with a little girl, cooking up schemes. Was her name even Sue? Can’t remember. It was like a John Hughes-y take on Paper Moon, but set in 1991.

Comment: Curly Sue is now a contestant on The Voice.

Alisan Porter, AKA Curly Sue, wasn’t just another talented tot – she’s a talented adult, too. Of course, if you watched Curly Sue on regular rotation in the early 90s, you won’t be surprised.

Comment: Orphans from the late 80s/early 90s had all the best swag.

Like. I’m glad I have parents, but otherwise I’m pretty jealous of that sweet orphan swag

Curly Sue has this awesome bag covered in pins and ribbons, Punky Brewster had mismatched shoes and the coolest bedroom ever.

Comment: Somewhere in my brain, the instrumental Curly Sue theme has been lying dormant just waiting for me to rewatch.

Question: Is the opening sequence ever going to end?

We inventory Curly Sue’s bag for fully 3 minutes, which is longer than I spend packing for a cross-country trip.

Comment: Law offices were so steely during this era.

I spy: mahogony, modern art, shoulder pads, hairspray. Shards of rubble (?) on the windowsill, artistic empty vessels, UFO lamps, recessed canister lighting.

It looks like how someone from 1991 would decorate an office from “the year 2000.”

Concern: I mentally refer to James Belushi’s hair as a “nice mullet,” then I catch myself.

As mullets go, ok? As mullets go: nice.

Not sure if that’s my low standards for early 90s fashion, but it’s surprisingly non-ratty for a mullet. It looks freshly shampooed and brushed. He nurtures it.

Concern: “However much you love me, that’s how hard you hit me. However hard you hit me, that’s how much you love me.”

This is Belushi instructing Curly Sue to knock him upside the head but ALSO a primer into the psychology of abuse so IDK about you but I’m having a great time.

Question: Were there security cameras in 1991?

Curly Sue and Belushi stage a fake car/pedestrian collision in a parking garage (that’s why Curly Sue had to hit him), but I think in ’91 a closed circuit camera would have cleared that up. Weren’t we all into hidden camera shows during this era? There was no internet; America’s Funniest Home Videos and Candid Camera were our internet.

Concern: Steve Carell is a vampire

Steve Carell, impervious to the forces of time and age, plays a fancy restaurateur. Someone please hunt down Carell’s Civil War daguerreotype?

Comment: 1991 was the fanciest year ever.

Look at these people in their money-colored music hall dressed like they’re definitely at a benefit concert for some sort of Country Day School.

Comment: Calling it: the icy blonde lady who got scammed is going to marry Belushi and be Curly Sue’s new mom.

I think this because Belushi told C.S. that’s who she should hope for as a mom, and because the icy blonde lady looks pensive while she thinks about C.S. at the money-colored music hall.

Concern: a crappy man steals Curly Sue’s ring at the homeless shelter and pawns it.

I just kind of feel like if it was worth money, Belushi (AKA Bill Dancer) should have sold that before making Sue beat a grown man to score a free dinner. Is all.

Comment: THE FIRST CELL PHONE JOKE IN CINEMA HISTORY, maybe.

Remember when cell phones themselves were a punch line, and the joke was that the person who owned it was a Mr. Burns-style mega-millionaire? A phone rings in a restaurant, everybody instantly grabs their giant Zach Morris phones and raises them to their ears. It goes without saying, the restaurant is fancy… 1991-fancy.

Comment: How you know you’re rich and important in movies: an assistant runs alongside you telling you calls and appointments that came in for you.
Question: You know what movie this isn’t?

Different movie entirely.

Answer: Life with Mikey.  (It turns out all of the scenes I thought I remembered from this movie were from Life With Mikey.)

Comment: I will never be rich enough to have a 1991-Rich bathroom.

I love the unnecessary floor lamp and the child-sized house plant.

Question: Did the trailer say this was a movie about going “from rags to riches – and back again!”?

Because that seemed like a really popular trailer tagline for a while there.

Comment: OF F’ING COURSE THE ICY BLOND WOMAN’S NAME IS GRAY.

“Mrs Gray?”, Curly Sue asks.

“No, just Gray” the Icy Blond Woman answers.

Of. Freaking. Course.

Concern: This creepy-ass child’s bedroom.

Curly Sue asks – in the style of a Newsie or a background orphan from Annie – why Gray doesn’t have children because she “has enough dough for lots of them.”

More importantly, why doesn’t Gray have children when she has a fully decorated LITTLE GIRL’S BEDROOM off of her bedroom?

(Also, Gray doesn’t have children because like the sterile modern art in her chilly law practice, she is an empty vessel.)

Comment: You better sing, Curly Susan.

Comment: the makeup department is having a blast doing the egg on Belushi’s head; I can tell.

Really going for it.

Question: Why is Gray’s boyfriend trying to go to sleep in the Haunted Little Girl Bedroom in the middle of the night, anyway?
Comment: Gray’s kitchen really holds up because 1991 is so fancy that its kitchens are from the future.

Some Chip & Joanna shit right there.

Subway tile, glass-front cupboards, stainless steel, minimalist hardware. Is that a copper farmhouse sink?

Comment: This looks fun!

“I’m human cereal, suckers!”

Question: Do you know who I love?

Gray’s surly housekeeper, who dresses like a youth from Sister Act 2. “I don’t usually smoke cigars. My friend had a baby.”

Concern: Curly Sue can’t spell.

Curly Sue spelled asphyxiate as a stunt, but can’t spell the word cat, and thus can’t read/write. Alisan Porter plays this scene so well – no hammy child actor stuff, just really natural.

Comment: Belushi isn’t Sue’s dad, but he “got her from a one night stand.”

I don’t know about you all, but I’m going to need way more info.

Question: Is Gray the Miss Honey of this movie?

She makes a pitch to Curly Sue that somebody’s going to have to tell Sue about girl stuff or whatever, and Gray would make a great fake mom, I think.

Question: How long do you have to go to school to be a lawyer?

The surly housekeeper says lawyers go to school for 20 years, which I guess is true if you’re counting preschool? IDK I’m a juris doctor, not a math doctor.

Comment: I want to go shopping at a nice store in 1991.

See also.

I know, you know: 1991 was fancy. But more importantly, Gray has a saleswoman present her with different things she might like, which Gray then approves or vetoes. Then they box everything up for her in neat parcels. Maybe I just need to go to better stores.

(When I was about 4, I loved to read a story from the 1950s about a little boy whose mom has a shopgirl at the department store find him new summer clothes – red and blue sandals, plus a red and a blue “nice, cool playsuit” – and has them wrapped in paper and tied with string. It all sounded so tidy. Before we had words for the concept, that was 100% my aesthetic)

Comment: Gray has a nice blowout.
Comment: It’s GrEy, with an E.

Like Grey Poupon, the nice mustard that was fashionable at the time. I’m not going back to change it.

Question: How much fabric is in this wedding veil?

You could prevent zika in 3 brazilian villages with this veil

Needless to say, the bride’s name is Tiffany.

Concern: Grey is getting involved in Belushi & Sue’s cons very quickly for a chilly attorney made of stainless steel and shoulder pads.
Concern: What if this is all a long con on Grey? I’ve grown to really like her and I’d never forgive Belushi.

I’d forgive Sue but only because she’s so freaking cute. Also, I’m not feeling any chemistry between Grey and Bill Dancer, like any at all, and I usually ship everything. Their relationship feels exactly like what it is, a shyster staying with a lawyer for a bit because she hit him with her car.

Comment: Maybe every movie I love is just a variation on Annie.
Question: If Belushi is so good at piano, and Sue’s such a good singer, why don’t they busk? Or get jobs?

I know it’s garbage to ask why homeless people don’t “just get jobs” but these are fictional people and I do wonder.

Comment: Grey’s boyfriend (?) calls in an abuse and neglect complaint on Belushi and I gasp “no!” out loud.

John Hughes always made you care about his characters, who were often really, really terrible parents/legal guardians.

Comment: Grey’s giant scrunchie was such a  status-symbol.
Concern: I’m very distressed about Sue getting seized by CPS, but also, on paper Belushi is an unfit parent.
Comment: Very sure temporary foster care wouldn’t be allowed to just randomly cut Curly Sue’s hair like that.

Ward Of The State hair.

Question: Was a person from the future involved in this production?

When Grey (and Bill?) become Sue’s legal guardian, and Grey wears her school drop-off casual look, she’s wearing the same olive-green jacket that every girl has now.

 

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Easter Movies, From Godspell to The 10 Commandments To Mallrats

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For me, one of the biggest signs that Easter is still primarily a religious holiday is the dearth of Easter movies. There are hundreds of Christmas movies that never mention the birth of Jesus, but there are only a handful of Easter movies – and most of them basically stick to the book. What I’m saying is, some of these Easter movies are a stretch, but I’m working with what I’ve got. Happy(?) Holy Thursday, if that applies to you, and have a good Easter, too!

Godspell

This is what I’m talking about when I talk about Easter movies! Godspell is my personal favorite Jesus musical, an admittedly small genre. You ever notice that some people are Godspell people, and some are Jesus Christ Superstar people, and then everyone else is like “what are you even talking about?” Godspell is cheerful pseudo-hippie 1970s, whereas JCS is glam rock-y 70s, but both tell the story of Jesus as a (cheesy?) musical that I love.  Godspell is based on the Gospel of Matthew and focuses on Jesus’ parables and his more peace-and-love type teachings. I’m going to go all-caps for a second, okay? VICTOR “MR. ANDREWS” GARBER AS JESUS. Okay? I am just warning you, this movie may leave you with a weird crush on both Victor Garber and Jesus.

*(Aside: I absolutely love movies filmed in 1970s-1990s New York, maybe because it looks like the New York I remember as a kid in the 90s, so that’s a bonus.)

Jesus Christ Superstar

While this is mostly an unranked list, Godspell and Jesus Christ Superstar probably are my top two Easter movies. While I like the stage production of Jesus Christ Superstar, the movie is a bit less visually appealing to me (read: set in the desert). Also, it focuses on the Jesus/Judas relationship. I love a frenemy situation in musical theater (Hamilton! right?), but it also makes it feel a little darker and less uplifting than Godspell. Nevertheless, my corny musical-loving self is always here for an Andrew Lloyd Webber / Tim Rice collab.

My advice, if you can find it: watch the 2001 Great Performances version with Glenn Carter and Renee Castle instead of the 1973 film. We watched it in a high school theatre class and it’s when I really started to like Jesus Christ Superstar.

The Passion Of The Christ

I worked in a movie theater during this movie’s 2004 release, and I can honestly say that the worst customers I encountered were some of the church groups who came in en masse to the early morning shows. Also I worked at the concession stand at the time, and it sort of felt like a weird movie to nosh on Skittles and popcorn during, but what do I know. Customers aside, the hype was deserved and … it pains me a bit to say … Mel Gibson did a great job telling the story of the crucifixion in a fresh way. It was also graphically violent and isn’t a movie I’ve ever felt the need to rewatch.

The 10 Commandments

The 10 Commandments is usually on TV on Easter, even if it’s not technically an Easter Movie. It’s a Cecil B. DeMille Technicolor classic from the Golden Age of Hollywood. Starring Charlton Heston and Yul Brenner, The 10 Commandments focuses on the story of Moses and will set you back almost four hours, including intermission. I guess it’s televised at Easter because the Moses story is kind of the lead-up to the New Testament, or maybe because it’s the only religious movie that was really in the game for a while there.

Plus, Easter and Passover are both in early Spring, and it illustrates the Passover beautifully.

Ben-Hur

This should be one of our Pop Culture Blind Spots, because I’ve never seen it. As best I can tell, it’s about non-Bible characters who live at the same time as Jesus, participate in a chariot race, then witness the crucifixion. Not only have I not seen the movie, I didn’t read the book, either. Charlton Heston is in it, of course, and it’s a beloved classic, so I should really get on this.

Assorted Jesus Films And TV Miniseries

A note: there are plenty of other movies about the life of Jesus, some better than others. There’s The Last Temptation Of Christ, a Scorsese drama that caused a fair bit of controversy when it was released, and Jesus, a 1999 tv-movie staring Jeremy Sisto as Jesus and Debra Messing as Mary Magdelene (it was the height of the Will and Grace era). There are scores of others, too, so basically pick your favorite if that’s what you feel like watching. I haven’t seen any that seemed better than the others, necessarily, so maybe watch one of the more recent ones if dated costumes and sets will pull you out of it.

Assorted Children’s Specials

You won’t want to watch any of these unless you are trying to entertain a child, probably. I vividly remember The Greatest Adventure, an Easter cartoon about a child who goes back in time to witness the crucifixion. If you were in Catholic school, that passed for a really good Friday afternoon if your teacher rolled out the TV cart and played that bad boy.

Believe it or not, popular cartoons had Easter specials, too: the Smurfs, Rugrats, even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There are a few Easter Bunny specials that probably air on whatever ABC Family goes by these days: Here Comes Peter Cottontail, that kind of thing. Compared to Christmas, the pickings are VERY slim. There’s always Veggie Tales, if that’s something your kids like!

Hop

Now for an entirely different movie: Hop, a 2011 cartoon/live-action hybrid featuring the voices of Russell Brand and Hugh Laurie. I watched this with some nieces and nephews a few years ago, and I didn’t love it but I didn’t hate it. Bottom line: if you really want an Easter-y children’s movie,this isn’t a bad choice. The kids liked it, anyway.

The Sound Of Music

Definitely not an Easter movie, but The Sound Of Music always used to be on TV at Easter, maybe because networks look for movies that the whole family can enjoy when they’re together. Some of the scenery is sort of spring-y, plus the overall vibe of The Sound Of Music just feels like it fits with Easter and springtime. Okay: maybe I’m just up for any excuse to watch The Sound Of Music.

My first year of law school, a final paper for a class was due the day after Easter. I worked on it for weeks, finished it on Easter night just before The Sound Of Music began, and I swear, sitting down to watch The Sound Of Music felt like almost as refreshing as a beach vacation.

Miss Potter

Now things get tenuous. Beatrix Potter wrote about rabbits, and we think about rabbits at Easter, and this is a movie about Beatrix Potter. But honestly, there is all of this spring-y Lake District scenery, all of this rain and these farm animals, and it really does feel like Easter. Plus, Beatrix Potter-inspired cartoons always used to be on TV near Easter, so I still associate it with Easter.

The Secret Garden

One thing I love about Easter-time (at least here in the Northeast) is seeing life slowly spring back – watching crocuses start to erupt, and then tulips, and – if my garden is any indication – then a whole bunch of weeds, somehow, even though it’s still cold out. A whole sequence of The Secret Garden is about watching the garden come back to life, and that feels very Easter to me.

There are a few adaptations to choose from. Margaret O’Brien was great, but I sort of grew up on the 1993 version.

Holiday Inn

Holiday Inn was a little bit of 1940s marketing genius. First of all, it stars Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire. Second, it’s literally set (mostly) in an inn where many holidays are celebrated. It manages to be a Christmas movie (White Christmas), Lincoln’s Birthday (the less said the better: blackface), Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Independence Day, and, of course, Easter(Easter Parade). Basically, you could pull this movie out at any time of the year, and it would be seasonally appropriate (and a little racist. It’s fine to skip that part).

My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Not an Easter movie, but there’s a memorable Easter scene. Christos Anesti!

Mallrats

I told you there weren’t a lot of Easter movies, but who could forget the Easter Bunny scene from Mallrats? That’s enough to make the whole thing an Easter movie, in my book.

Life Of Brian

I wasn’t into Monty Python in high school, because I wasn’t in marching band and I didn’t run lights for the plays, and it seemed like everyone who did those activities loved Monty Python and everyone who loved Monty Python did those activities. But Life Of Brian is funny no matter WHAT extracurriculars you did 15 years ago! It’s about a man, Brian, who lived a life parallel to Jesus, except he was just Brian, a guy.

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Pop Culture Blind Spots: The Quiet Man

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Just last week I wrote this post about things Irish-Americans will understand, but the truth is I’ve been missing a big part of the typical experience. Friends, I’ve never seen The Quiet Man. Pop Culture Blind Spots are all about getting acquainted with the classics and cult favorites that we’ve somehow missed out on, and it doesn’t get much more classic than John Wayne and Maureen O’Hara. It’s still Irish-American Heritage Month, and this pop culture blind spot is FULL of Ireland, America (John Wayne, hello!) and a healthy heaping of heritage.

  • What I know about The Quiet Man: John Wayne is an American (I hope, because he’s not great with accents) who goes to Ireland and falls in love with Maureen O’Hara before dragging her across a meadow on Christmas. Maybe he’s trying to be a cowboy in Ireland? Maybe Ireland doesn’t need cowboys. But maybe Maureen O’Hara needs a cowboy.

Based on this poster: a lot’s going on.

  • Also, I’ve been present when The Quiet Man was on – my dad has it on TV at some point every Christmas – but I’ve never actually watched it.
  • Huge props to whomever first put credits AFTER the movie instead of before. Like most old movies, this one begins with a solid few minutes of people’s names.
  • They segregate Irish cast members under a heading The Irish Players and for some reason that cracks me up.
  • John Wayne meets a priest whose whole purpose is to give exposition about him and his parents.
  • Okay, so Sean (John Wayne) was born in Ireland, and now is returning, but he was in America long enough to sound like John Wayne, the voice that comes out of the eagle on a $1 bill.
  • Wow, Ireland has a normal amount of trees. Background: I have relatives who maintain that “the English” cut all the trees down in Ireland and that’s why there … aren’t trees there? First of all, sounds fake. Second of all, if Ireland had a climate where trees grow, wouldn’t trees eventually come back? According to the cinematography of The Quiet Man, yes.
  • No lie, this is filmed in BEAUTIFUL technicolor.
  • This lush countryside with the sheep, collie, and Maureen O’Hara in it is 100% how Americans stereotype Ireland. Just need a thatched cottage (forthcoming, I’m assuming) and a leprechaun (probably not) or family with many children (maybe).

  • Thatched roofs appear by the 10-minute mark, don’t worry.
  • Maureen O’Hara has my natural hair type, and I’d really like those poofy 40s hairdos to come back.

Lit’rally my stupid hair.

  • Speaking of 1940s hairdos, when is this set? Is it mid-century, or is it, like, 1880? So far the modes of transportation are bicycle, horse, and train, so that doesn’t help. I got up to let my dog in during the first minute of the movie so this may have been addressed already. Widow Tillane is showing kind of a lot of ankle if it’s set in olden days, no offense.
  • Wow, everyone sure is wrapped in a lot of tweed in this movie.
  • Mr. Danaher (Victor McLaglen) tries to have an Irish accent some of the time (not all of the time).
  • Mary Kate (Maureen O’Hara) and the other Danahers live in a spacious cottage with a hutch full of fancy china, so at least they aren’t going for the thing where everyone in Ireland is poor.
  • Is this a drinking game? Cool, drink for family with many kids (Mary Kate has an indeterminate number of brothers, unless they’re just house guests).
  • Unrelated: a teen walking a pit bull just let it poop in my front lawn then walked away. SO RUDE, wow. I was going to go bang on my window but I was afraid of spite poop from now til eternity.
  • Drink for people singing folk songs in a pub.
  • I like how there’s a stock character of Old Ethnic White Man With Long Beard who looks completely the same for every ethnicity. Whether you’re Russian, Irish, German or French, eventually you’ll look like this guy:

Far left.

  • Drink again for people singing folk songs in a pub.
  • I don’t know when the title is going to make sense, but as of a half hour in, John Wayne talks a normal amount at a regular volume.
  • OK, I’ll bite. I’ve heard in/een added to girl names before to make it a nickname, but never guy names. Michaeleen, Seanin… I guess it’s a thing! That’s fun.

Sean: So you can talk.

Mary Kate: Yes I can, I will, and I do.

…Maybe he’s only quiet compared to her then.

  • Now Sean and Mary Kate are in love because they looked at each other at mass, which reminds me, I’ve been meaning to go to mass more.
  • A (Protestant) Reverend and his wife visit Sean. They’re mostly made of tweed.
  • Over 60 years later, The Quiet Man still looks like a product of Ireland’s travel bureau.
  • My favorite thing about Mary Kate is she’s always wearing a blanket cape like me in the winter watching Netflix.
  • Mary Kate will only get married if her property goes with her. Married women could own property in the UK after the 1880s (assuming this is pre-independence?).I’m not sure yet when TQM is set. The costuming and set design are vague and woolen.
  • I had to look it up, because it was driving me crazy. Released in 1952, set in the 1920s. Some of the folksy dresses are probably fine because it’s a rural area, but I think Mary Kate’s hair is a bit anachronistic. Probably because it’s my hair, scalped off of my head and placed on Maureen O’Hara’s.
  • They’re at the races, and nobody started singing “ev’ry duke and earl and peer is here,” so I did.
  • No offense but this isn’t going to be a great jockey:

    I can’t find a photo of him in his racing silks, but trust me, hilarious.

  • “Two women in the house, and one of them a redhead.” File under: should be offended, but that’s actually fair.
  • Man. Everyone is very pissed that Mary Kate (MK, I call her) isn’t putting her bonnet on a pole, which is culturally relevant somehow.
  • Call me crazy, but I’m starting to really like the name Mary Kate. Too Olsen Twins? Maybe it could be short for Mary Katherine. Too Molly Shannon? Just putting it out there.
  • IF there were such a thing as drag racing horses, that’s what happens.
  • Well, I’ve thought Mary Kate’s brother was her dad for the past hour. Let it be known that MK has a giant brother who is approximately 40 years older than her.
  • MK has a “fearful temper” which in the 1920s just meant opinions, sometimes.
  • Sean and MK steal a bicycle built for two after they get engaged, but as far as I’m concerned the only crime they’re committing is being too darn adorable (plus petty theft I suppose).
  • Everyone folk-sings “I’m sorry I never got married” at Sean and MK’s wedding. Fun party.
  • BRB overdubbing this whole wedding scene with Helpless/Satisfied from Hamilton.
  • MK’s Old Brother announces that he’s marrying Widow Whatever-aher at Sean and MK’s reception. Talk about thunder-stealing. Also he didn’t clear it with Widow first, which isn’t great. All of these people are like 2 generations apart and it’s very confusing.
  • Sean flashes back to boxing, punching a guy out, and accidentally killing him. WOAH PLOT TWIST. Genuinely did not say that coming.
  • Saddest moment in the movie: MK says “ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of having my own things about me.” Her lifelong dream was to be allowed to own stuff. What does her old brother care anyway? He’s probably almost dead or about to marry into all that sweet Widow Talooley money or whatever.
  • OH OK. MK is going to go Lysistrata until she gets her dowry.
  • MK gets her furniture, and it looks GREAT. But no money because her brother’s a dick.
  • MK talks Irish to the priest, who is fishing and wearing some tweed, but not like a Protestant amount.
  • How about from now on I just tell you if there’s a pub scene that doesn’t end in singing?
  • Meanwhile in the protestant minister’s house, you can tell that he’s a protestant minister by the wife and the giant globs of silver on the mantle. He and Sean have a tete-a-tete about the deadly boxing max and the Danaher dowry.
  • Not to make too much of the cinematography, but I feel like I should be paying more than my monthly Netflix membership to watch this, it’s so pretty.
  • Basically all of the male minor characters are Alfred P. Doolittle from My Fair Lady.
  • Know whose butts looked good in those saggy woolen pants they used to wear? Nobody’s butts. Not a single butt.
  • OK, help me with this. Sean pulls MK off a train and drags her by the arm through the town. A flock of Irish Players trail behind them. A guy at the pub announces that he’s “walking her back, the whole way.” The crowd grows, and Sean grows increasingly yank-y and rough. MK looses a shoe. She falls, he drags her anyway, then yanks her up and pushes her down a hill. Sean then drags MK by her coat collar. A woman hands Sean “a good stick to beat the lovely lady.”
  • You know how sometimes with old movies, it’s hard to understand how the original audiences found them at all surprising or riveting? I am every bit as befuddled as the 1952 audiences were. WHAT IS GOING ON. WHY CAN’T SHE WALK REGULAR. SINCE WHEN IS SEAN A WIFE-BEATER. WAS THIS COMEDY IN THE ’50s. IS THIS A SCHEME? IS THE WHOLE TOWN IN ON IT, BECAUSE IF NOT THEY ARE VERY VERY CHILL ABOUT ALL OF THIS WIFE-DRAGGING.
  • Here, just watch it actually:

  • Danaher won’t fork over the dowry money. Sean throws MK back at her bro, because no dowry/no wife. Old Brother Danaher throws the money at Sean. He and MK burn it. She was in on this, right? I still think he was unnecessarily rough. MK says she’ll have dinner ready for him, then leaves Sean to beat up her brother.
  • What follows is a ten-minute long fight sequence involving:
    • indiscriminate punches thrown by all of the villagers
    • … in a pile of hay
    • a shot fired by Michaeleen to call attention for the rules of the fight
    • Widow Tooraloora watching through an opera glass
    • Old Brother Danaher landing in a river
    • Bookies
    • A deathbed scene for the Bearded Ethnic White Man, interrupted when he pops up to watch the fight
    • Buckets of water thrown on Danaher
    • A priest rubbing his hands with glee
    • Other buckets of water thrown on everyone else
    • A BREAK FOR A PINT TOGETHER AT THE PUB
    • A sub-fight about who is buying the drinks
    • A door breaking into smithereens, a word I don’t use nearly enough
    • A singalong
    • Sean and Old Brother Danaher showing up, drunk and woozy, for dinner at MK’s on her great furniture she owns.
  • Time passes. A crowd is told to cheer like Protestants, which apparently is the word “hooray!” Old Man Danaher and Widow Talooraeay get married! Sean and MK scamper back to their cottage, married and adorable.
  • Well, it’s official. This movie has nothing to do with Christmas. Or, now that I think about it, a man who’s particularly quiet.

 

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You Know You’re Irish-American When…

Posted in Miscellany by

Although I’d argue that I’m just plain American (even if I have ancestors who were from somewhere else), this time of year I can’t help but notice that there are a few things that set apart Americans from Irish backgrounds.  Irish-Americans are also different from Irish people, and if you’re reading this from Ireland most of these items won’t sound familiar to you. Yes, Irish-Americans are their own weird little subculture. Are you a part of it?

You know you’re Irish-American when…

  • As soon as you were old enough to count to three, you were old enough to count to “one two three, two two three, three two three.”

  • Not only have you been to a feis and a ceilidh, you can spell and pronounce both.
  • You have siblings or cousins with the following names: Molly, Megan, Caitlin, Shannon, Erin, Katie, Kelly, Sean, Ryan, Brian, Kevin, Patrick. Nope, those aren’t all Irish names. Doesn’t matter.
  • The men in your family – above a certain age – all wear those flat tweed caps.

    irishbeigeoliveivy

    As a kid, one of my non-Irish-American friends remarked that my dad always wears a beret.

  • You have at least one acquaintance with the same first and last name as another famous Irish-American. For instance, my cousin shares a name with Shannen Doherty (but spelled differently), and my Irish dance teacher was Eddie Murphy (… he’s Irish, right?).
  • Your grandmother (even if she was a Republican) idolized JFK until the day she died.
  • To this day, your aunts use “he looks like JFK” as the ULTIMATE compliment.

    I think I almost got blacklisted from the family when I said he “just looks like a regular guy.” Now JFK Jr., on the other hand…

  • You have attended a funeral where nobody was named Danny. Danny Boy was sung anyway.

  • You, or someone in your family, would argue to the grave that Danny Boy and When Irish Eyes Are Smiling are NOT real Irish songs.
  • By the time you were 6, you owned a piece of claddagh jewelry, knew the whole story behind it, and could identify what the different parts symbolized.
  • You cringe when non-Irish friends say that they bought a claddagh for themselves. The horror!
  • Someone in your family is still really pissed at the English. Like, more than you expect contemporary people in Ireland to be.
  • And they’re probably really jazzed about the centennial of the Easter Uprising, too.
  • You own at least one of those itchy sweaters, probably more, purchased every time somebody in your family goes to Ireland.

    Accurate, except where are the rest of the kids?

  • You have had to set friends straight on the proper way to make tea. You have all but given up on ordering tea out. Thanks for the lukewarm water that I’m supposed to, um … dunk?… a tea bag in, though?

St. Saoirse Of Irish-America.

  • Christmas shopping is easy because you have one relative who collects Belleek, Connemara Marble, or Waterford Crystal.

    #IrishAmericanGrandmasBeLike

  • As a child, you believed in –  and were terrified of – leprechauns, fairies or banshees.

    Scarred for life.

  • You know EXACTLY what I’ll tell me ma.
  • You had your first drink at the AOH (that’s Ancient Order of Hibernians to outsiders).
  • All of your uncles have retained their childhood nicknames within the family: Danny, Tommy, Jimmy, Mickey, etc.
  • Even if you aren’t super into St. Patrick’s Day, people assume you are and practically congratulate you when the holiday rolls around.
  • You have at least one family ginger.

    weasleys

    … or a few.

  • You also have family lore about Black Irish (read: why your one brother has black hair).
  • There was a shillelagh and a St. Brigid’s Cross hanging in your house growing up.

    Bowl of fire entirely optional.

  • If you have the stereotypical Irish phenotype – freckles, light skin, light eyes, red hair – strangers ALWAYS tell you you must be “very Irish.” Which is weird because isn’t “very Irish” like… from Ireland? And everything else is not very Irish?

Literally me.

  • You were the family with the big bottle of sensitive skin-formula SPF 50. In the Northeast. In March. 
  • There are four or more children in your family. You have described it as a “small family.”
  • Listing all of your nieces and nephews’ names in order, properly, in one breath, is practically a party trick.
  • You grit your teeth when someone says St. Patty’s Day. Or Corn Beef.
  • Family parties: light on the food, heavy on the booze.
  • You, or someone in your family, has a first or last name that other Americans cannot spell or pronounce.
  • You have corned beef and cabbage around St. Patrick’s Day, but that isn’t the only time of the year that you eat boiled meat.
  • If you didn’t go to Catholic school, you went to CCD. Meaning you were one of those kids who used to get into our desks every Sunday.
  • And I’m not saying Irish-Americans can hold a grudge, but that was TWENTY YEARS AGO.
  • Irish Catholic guilt trips are real.
  • So is the Irish Goodbye. Every gathering wraps up with a round of “wait, when did Aunt Whoever leave?”

 

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How To Properly Display Mr. Darcy’s Wet Shirt

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by

In our high school, on the wall of a corridor, there was a tiny cutout within an elaborate gold frame. It was lined with red velvet, and in it nestled a little white speck, like something you’d take out of your teeth if you didn’t brush them after eating oatmeal. It was supposed to be a relic of St. Thomas Aquinas – a tiny chip of his bone.

There are two real take-aways there. The first: Catholics are quirky. The second: when an otherwise inconsequential object is associated with somebody important, it starts to take on some of their qualities.

It’s why I wash my great-grandmother’s china by hand and would be upset if I dropped a piece, but don’t lose any sleep if I fumble a plate from Target. (Get me a rom-com to star in, because I’m an otherwise put-together career woman who drops things a lot.) It’s the reason we hold on to hand-knit scarves through dozens of clothing purges, even if we don’t wear them. It’s basically the whole reason auction houses exist.

Which brings us, in a way, to Jane Austen. This summer, an exhibition at the Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington, D.C. – Will & Jane: Shakespeare, Austen and the Cult of Celebrity – will be displaying Mr. Darcy’s wet shirt.

If the phrase “Mr. Darcy’s wet shirt” doesn’t mean anything to you, have a nice day and we’ll see you tomorrow with a post that’s more relevant to your interests.

If your eyes lit up with recognition, it’s because you’re familiar with the 1995 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, with Colin Firth as dashing, condescending Mr. Darcy.

Need a refresher? Here you go:

Yeah. This isn’t just ANY puffy shirt from the 90s…

 

It’s the blouse that showed a generation the relaxed – but also bumbling and awkward -side of Mr. Darcy.

And I say this as more of a Bingley girl. I KNOW. Always have been, always will be, and I will fight anyone on that. And by fight I mean, like, flutter our fans scornfully at each other. I’m really not a fighter, and this is Pride and Prejudice, not a rumble.

I can’t be the only one who thinks Mr. Darcy’s Wet Shirt is more than just an old shirt – it is somehow imbued with the qualities of Mr. Darcy. Or 1995 Colin Firth. Whichever. After all, it is being displayed in a museum. Further, I found out about this from the New York Times, not some sort of newsletter specifically about the better film adaptations of Jane Austen books. I can’t be the only one who cares a little.

Just like that weird bone-chip in our high school hallway, you have to display important things carefully. How should the blouse be exhibited? I have some ideas:

  • First of all, you can’t just half-ass it, or it’s going to look like laundry. Regency-era laundry, but still. It will not do:

 

  • Second, this is Mr. Darcy’s wet shirt. Not just a shirt. Can they rig up some sort of misting system? Like you’re waiting in line at Epcot.
  • Great. But when you see costumes displayed, they’re usually on scale mannequins. I like this because at every costume exhibition, I can compare my height and general size to whoever wore it. I cannot be the only person who does that – even at the First Ladies exhibit at the Smithsonian. Mary Lincoln was smaller than I would have thought!
  • But let’s go back to that video clip. This is fabric that BREATHES and MOVES. Wouldn’t it be a pity to waste that? So maybe they could use some sort of animatronic dummy to really get that sense of movement.
  • WAIT. See how that blouse billows when it’s submerged? Maybe we need more of a tank situation. Like a small pond and shoreline, so you could see it dip in and out of the water.
  • The thing is, fire hazards. Right? Putting an electronic mannequin in and out of the water is sure to set some sparks flying – and I’m not talking about the sparks of obvious chemistry between Darcy and Lizzie Bennett.
  • What I’m saying is, I think we have to use a real human. But wouldn’t it be hard to find someone of the same exact size and charisma as Colin Firth?
  • So that settles it, then. Colin Firth, wearing the shirt, in a small Pemberley habitat. See you all in Washington this August!

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Lady Mary: One Well-Dressed Bitch

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by

Minor spoiler from the second-to-last episode of Downton Abbey: Mary Crawley is a bitch.

Okay, that’s less a spoiler and more a fact that we’ve all known since – I don’t know, probably since she helped conceal the corpse of a certain Turkish diplomat.

But in the penultimate episode, Edith finally (FINALLY!) called Mary out on it, and damn, it felt good.

Lady Mary isn’t without her better qualities, though. She’s shown real personal growth after losing her sister Sybil and Matthew, her cousin who she was also married to. She takes good care of little George, or employs people who are good at taking care of him anyway. Lady Mary has an open mind toward all religions, and really nice eyebrows besides. Yet above all, Edith was right: Lady Mary is kind of a bitch – but such a well dressed one!

 

Shortly after we meet Mary, she establishes herself as the fashionable one with this crisp menswear-inspired riding outfit. Around this time, she also disposes of the body of a man that she slept with after the cousin she was supposed to marry dies on the Titanic.

Still very much in that pre-war, 1910s fashion, Mary wears a beautifully beaded gown that is just starting to show the more streamlined Art Deco look. She also complains that Cousin Matthew, who didn’t ask for any of this, can’t hold a knife.

Mary, in a very Rose Dewitt Bukater- appropriate evening dress, waits to accept Matthew’s proposal until she finds out whether her mother’s having a boy, in which case Matthew wouldn’t have access to that sweet Crawley money.

Moving on to season two (series two if you’re nasty), the world is at war and Mary shows her respect for that situation with these demure separates that are starting to almost look like modern clothes. She also shows her respect for that situation by getting engaged to a newspaper man who will cover up the Pamuk cover-up.

Wearing her signature color (the blood of angry men), Mary breaks into the postwar period with a full, layered skirt, unlike the closer fitting gowns we usually see her in. The perfect dress for getting engaged to your cousin after you’re pretty happy that his fiancee died.

A few important developments: Mary and Matthew finally tie the knot; Downton Abbey is in peril because Lord Grantham spent all his money on yellow labs named after figures in Egyptian mythology; the 1920s finally arrive and with it, the drop waisted dress. Mary’s Art Nouveau hairpiece is so perfectly early ’20s. The whole wedding was beautifully nostalgic, and Mary’s dress reminds me of my great-grandparents’ wedding pictures from the 1910s and ’20s. (Like the Abbey itself, or an item that Lady Mary should have carried on her wedding day, I AM SOMETHING OLD.)

Lady Mary really made you like her in season 3. Not only does she help save Downton from ruin by encouraging Matthew to accept his inheritance from Reggie Swire – AND suffer the loss of Sybil, the noblest of all the Crawleys – she also acts reasonably supportive of Edith when she finally gets her chance at the altar. To celebrate the occasion, Mary wore her springlike best: a wide-brimmed hat, a light cyan lace dress with chiffon sleeves, drop pearl earrings, and an oh-so-20s layered pearl necklace. Then Edith got jilted. GOD. Not the topic of this post, but Poor Edith, right?

 

All of that work getting us to feel for Lady Mary was leading up to Matthew’s death. Thanks, Downton. The first half of the season is just a lot of black mourning dresses, a custom I’d ALMOST like to see brought back. It was a bit too rigid and sometimes you want to wear a color, but it’s a nice visual reminder that someone’s going through something so maybe you should go a bit easier on them.

That’s why it’s such a big moment when Mary busts out the partial mourning dresses and shows up to lunch in a lilac frock. You really feel for Mary – she doesn’t want to be a hard or cold person, she feels like that’s just how she IS. Of course, that calculating, chilly demeanor can really help you out in business, and Mary proves herself savvy in handling Matthew’s estate.

 

In the early ’20s, like today, the faux bob was popular with people who weren’t quite ready for the big chop. Mary’s ALMOST got the Jazz Age look down (meanwhile poor Anna is still being forced to dress like she’s from a Beatrix Potter picture book)… but just wait…tumblr_ndlvl2pzb21r3losno1_500

SHE’S GONE AND BOBBED HER HAIR. Well, I’ll be. And it looks great! It’s an open-minded hairstyle for an open-minded Mary, who has no problem cavorting with Lord Gillingham then dumping him when she realizes he’s too stupid for her. I mean, she does also tell Tom to stop rolling with that newfangled hussy Sarah Bunting, so in some ways she’s still the old Mary.

 

The bitch is back: Mary, pictured here in a phenomenal red hat, thinks Edith should stop hanging out with Marigold. Although admittedly, the whole Marigold thing would seem a bit weird if you didn’t know the back-story.

I cannot get enough of this fur-trimmed coat and especially that phenomenal hat! It all looks so warm. Almost warm enough to melt Mary’s chilly heart, but who are we kidding, it’s a coat not a miracle.

By the final season, Mary is dating a driver – and with that come driving accessories! Check out the duster coat, the cloche that even looks expensive, and the buttery leather gloves. THIS is an outfit that says “character development”: but don’t worry, Mary is still quite contrary.

I NEED THIS GOWN. No, really. I need this gown. I have a 1920s-themed wedding to go to this year and nothing to wear. Also, this is the perfect picture to comment on another aspect of Mary’s personality: she’s not exactly a girls’ girl – except arguably her semi-purchased friendship with Anna.

Faults aside, I still really loved Mary’s character and wanted her to find happiness. Here she is at her second wedding, all Art Deco lines and accordian pleats. As one final bitchy act, she informs Edith’s love interest that – gasp! – Edith is only weirdly obsessed with the little girl who lives with her because the little girl who lives with her is her daughter.

By the end of the series, everything is patched up with the Crawley sisters, Mary and Edith are both happily wed, and the Downton Home For Half-Orphaned Children will be in the family for years to come. In a final ground-breaking 1920s fashion move, Mary is the first person on the show to wear sunglasses – though with the amount of shade she throws, it’s amazing that she needs them.

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Leslie Knope 2016: Yes We Can’t Not Knope

Posted in Entertainment by

I think the least politically charged thing I can say right now is that I won’t be voting for Donald Trump. It’s amazing: a distaste for The Donald has actually managed to unite both the political right and the political left in America. Yet somehow, Donald Trump has the highest delegate count in the Republican primaries! But maybe, just maybe, the problem isn’t that people love the Drumpf. Maybe people just aren’t excited about the alternatives. But whether you’re a Republican who isn’t on the Cruz Cruise, or a Democrat who’s not feeling the Bern, I have an alternative we can all agree on – Leslie Knope. Not convinced? Keep reading:

 

  • Leslie Knope loves America more than all of the current candidates put together:
  • Plus, she accidentally legalized gay penguin marriage :
  • Her presidential portrait would be AMAZING:
  • Knope didn’t back down from Eagleton; won’t back down from international aggressors either:
  • Would redecorate the Oval Office like the Gryffindor common room:

  • Has real red state/blue state cross-appeal:
  • Good at being yelled at, an important skill for any public figure:
  • And she’s not afraid to take political punches:
  • Finally, there would be campaign ads we’d want to see:

  • She’d be a blast on the campaign trail:
  • Can you imagine the activities at the White House Easter Egg Roll?
  • We’d finally see the executive branch go HAM on the Library of Congress:
  • But we’d also have a president who respects the people who keep America going:
  • She’d deliver the BEST speeches on the campaign trail:

  • The Knope campaign wouldn’t end until victory was won:
  • Would have the MRA movement shut down with a single withering glance:
  • Yet she’d still speak to the traditional set in terms they can understand:
  • Leslie Knope knows what it takes to get America on your side:
  • AND she knows how things really go down in Washington:
  • Possible fictional running mate – Tami Taylor. Just saying.
  • Leslie already knew she was going to be President, so we may as well get on board:
  • Besides, it’s going to happen eventually, anyway:

 

 

 

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Back To Titanic: A Kate And Leo Retrospective

Posted in Entertainment by

Like so many of our generation, we have a never-ending love of the Kate Winslet/Leonardo DiCaprio friendship. Since the days when we didn’t have the internet at home and had to horde copies of magazines to get our Jack and Rose fix, they’ve always been either friendship or relationship goals. It started with the fun stories of behind-the-scenes antics on the set of Titanic, and Kate and Leo’s frequent awards show appearances only fueled the flames. Mercifully, since 1997 both of them have been consistently on the nominee or presenter block – unless one or the other was working, that is – so we’ve had plenty of mini-reunions to fawn over. Some of us actually ship them as a real life couple. Others think shipping real humans is creepy, but love the good-natured platonic friendship between two talented actors. Whatever it is, the Winslet-DiCaprio friendship is pure magic.

With no further ado .. are you ready to go back to Titanic?

1996


Behind the scenes: Titanic: in retrospect I realized why Kate hated that wig / hairpiece/ dye job situation.

Settle in, because Titanic was where it all started and I can’t get enough of these behind the scenes photos.

Kate is warming up from the chilly water tank; Leo is exhibiting the classic Hot Boy In The Mid-90s Haircut.

I will bet you anything that Kate and Leo are responsible for some of the first viral gifs in internet history, spreading rapidly across angelfire and geocities sites alike.

Okay, last one. Only because some of you may have slow-loading computers. I could do this all day.

1997

Tiny baby Leo talking about Little Kate:

Not to be outdone, Kate had some choice words about Leo:

1998

Golden Globes: it’s hard to believe these two seemed so grown-up to us at the time, because right here they look like a pair of (rich, elegant) babies.

Kate and Leo, out to wreck us since day 1.

Let’s watch that in action, why don’t we?

 

2000

Important news in 2000: Kate could still recognize Leo by his walk; she worried about him cavorting with the Pussy Posse; all is well in their friendship:

I saw Leo the other day. I was at a party for Quills. Me and Jim were leaning up against the bar and this posse of boys came in wearing masks and Halloween gear. I recognised him from the way he walked. He ripped his mask off. He hadn’t changed a bit. Of course, he’s famous, one of the most famous actors in the world. But he’s the same person and I’d been so worried about him. He still does care about everything he does. He hasn’t just become some bullshit film star 

2004

As one did in 2004, Leo reveals all on Oprah:

2005

SAG Awards: just two unusually talented and good-looking people expressing their friendship; nothing to see here.

2007

Golden Globes: back in 1998 US Weekly would have captioned this photo “They’ll never let go… of their friendship!” and I would have hung it up in my locker.

If Kate and Leo are living their whole Awards Season lives making up for Leo not attending the 1998 Academy Awards, I think that’s fine and appropriate.

 

On the set of Revolutionary Road. Or: if Rose and Jack had survived into mid-century.

2008

Revolutionary Road UK premiere: Kate and Leo reunite on screen, proving that fan service exists in real life, too.

U.S. premiere, Kate totally just made fun of James Cameron (I imagine).

Promoting Revolutionary Road. We’re all bigger now, Kate. Because of this friendship.

And in case you need the whole interview:

Too long; didn’t listen? Here’s what you need to know:

Well, I think I can speak for both of us: we have a lot more wrinkles. Don’t we, darling? I’m proud of him, though. I can’t say that you’re taller, because you were always tall. He’s a man now; look at him — he’s just bigger. Physically you aren’t that different; you’re just less puny. – Kate Winslet

She’s still as beautiful and radiant as the day I met her. She is the consummate professional; she keeps pushing herself to an emotional truth when she’s working. That’s why I keep saying she’s the best. – Leonardo DiCaprio

2009

Golden Globes: Leo reacting to Kate’s Revolutionary Road win – their long-awaited onscreen reunion. BE STILL MY HEART (OF THE OCEAN)

Wait, do you want to see Kate thank Leo? Of course you do!

 

Golden Globes: Kate and Leo after she wins for The Reader. Yes, you read that correctly. Yes, she’s THAT talented. Damn, Kate. Damn.

 

Oscars: Leo wasn’t there but he’s here in Kate’s heart and her heart will go on and on.

Some situations are so delicate that I’d only trust Oprah with them:

2011

God bless Anna Wintour. From Kate’s Vogue Magazine profile:

He knows me better than anyone else in the world. Lots of male friendships begin as a cheeky snog. Or a little undercurrent of flirtation. But Leo and I? No. He’s my rock. I don’t know what the f–k I would have done if I hadn’t had him. – Kate Winslet

We literally grew up together. And in every major life event we’ve been there as a support mechanism for each other. – Leonardo DiCaprio

 

2012

Titanic was re-released in 3D; Kate kindly graced us with some fresh behind-the-scenes anecdotes:

2013

Leo FINALLY confronts the rumors plaguing him since 1997 (that Kate nicknamed him “Farty Leo,” which I don’t actually remember, which is surprising?):

She never says that to my face. She’s the greatest person. She’s so genuine. I love that girl. She has a brand-new baby and is in love.

Because Kate and Leo CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT EACH OTHER (or, um, maybe it’s that we can’t stop asking?) Kate had this to say about Leo in 2013:

Leo has mastered this more than anyone I know. it’s not that he’s sort of brazen like, ‘I don’t give a fuck and I’m going to be rebellious and behave badly.’ It’s not that. It’s genuinely not caring what people think because he will not allow other people’s judgments to have any kind of impact on his life and who he is. and I have really admired that so much in him .

Also in 2013: the one thing that really softened the blow of Kate marrying a man who chose the surname Rocknroll — Leo walked her down the aisle. What does swooning feel like? Because I think I just did it.

2014

Theo or Leo? Considering we all know who Leo is and Theo is either a Huxtable or the name of a lot of babies lately, I think we all know the answer. And Kate doesn’t hesitate, either:

2016

Golden Globes: Number 1, how dare you.

More Golden Globes: I will go down with this ship.

And let’s not forget our own freak-out during our Golden Globes live blog after Leo’s name was announced for Best Actor:

T: YASSSSSSSSSS WHERE IS KATE. WHERE IS KATE. WHERE IS KATE.

M: YAYYY! But does this mean he’ll be even more cursed for the Oscars? Can they please show Kate? SHOW KATE.

IS KATE OKAY. WHERE IS SHE.

T: MAYBE SHE’S PASSED OUT BC THE LOVE OF HER LIFE JUST WON A GOLDEN GLOBE.

M: Yeah maybe she’s hidden behind a camera taking pics for her scrapbook.

T: Kate is at Eddie Redmayne’s table (I THINK) so like, just PAN OVER.

M: THANK KATE. I don’t care that she wasn’t in this.

T: I THOUGHT WHEN HE SAID “LASTLY” THAT IT WAS GOING TO END WITH “KATE WINSLET, WHO HAS BEEN WITH ME AND IN MY HEART SINCE 1996.”

M: I SAW. DID YOU SEE.

T: NO UGH I WAS LOOKING FOR LEO GIFS

M: He thanked the makeup artist or something and you could see a fuzzy Kate Winslet calling out a “woo!” so I like to think she was there just cheering at every damn thing he said.

T: I REWOUND IT. THIS IS THE GREATEST.

 

SAG Awards: What are you trying to do to me here?

 

Oscars: how is it possible that they both look even BETTER 20 years after filming Titanic? And how is it possible that Titanic was filmed 20 years ago?

 

Oh, for goodness sake.

 

Kate. Also, all of us. (Also Ned Rocknroll, but we don’t have to get into that.)

Oscars: The culmination of 20 years of love (at least on our end, but probably for Kate, too).

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Full House Of Style

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by

Michelle Tanner, fashion maven, is apparently too busy to live in a row house with >10 other people. At least, that’s the party line for why the youngest Tanner will not be appearing on Fuller House. Like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Michelle is a fashion designer living the high life in New York City. Is this really surprising? We’ve already covered Ashley Olsen’s statement that Michelle’s wardrobe was made of cut-down designer pieces. Michelle wore a lot of sunflower hats, giant buttons, and clown sweatshirts, but it was the 80s and 90s. Who are we to say the top designers weren’t going a little overboard on the whimsy?

In the spirit of Michelle Tanner, Fashion Icon, we’re going to look at how the other Tanner girls were dressed back in the day — taking it back to one of our OTHER favorite 90s shows, House of Style.

D.J.

Country Goose D.J.

In 1987, those unfortunate mall bangs and shoulder pads hadn’t trickled down to Donna Jo Margaret Tanner. Deej wore washed-out pastels, simple t-shirts, and comfy sweats. Bangs were decidedly non-teased, and hair was worn long and probably un-permed. Remember when we discussed those weird geese in bonnets that were popular in 80s and 90s home decor? This is how a woman with ‘country geese’ in her house would dress her 11-year-old daughter. There’s nothing here that Candace Cameron (Bure) should find embarrassing: for an 80s kid, she is getting off very easy.

Chunky Sweater D.J.

Let’s call this D.J.’s transitional look. Not the pastel little-girl style of the first season, but not a full-out teeny bopper, either. Chunky knit sweaters weren’t JUST for teachers at Christmastime in the late 80s. It was a way to add some humor and color into those crisp Bay Area winters, I guess.

Woman Of The 80s D.J.

Like most of us, D.J. had some awkward fashion years around middle school. Unlike most of us, D.J.’s character was going through a ’13-year-old Cathy comic’  phase where she was basically a middle-aged woman. Sometime around junior high, Deej started dressing like a high-powered woman of the 80s, except that she was a child. Her hair was permed and teased, as was the style of the time. She wore a lot of vests that she didn’t have to be wearing. There were bright-toned blazers with some very of- the-moment Michael Jackson-style epaulets.

Laura (Kate and) Ashley (Olsen) D.J.

Dainty florals and schoolmarm chic were popular and – am I losing it? – kind of cute for a while. I just looked at these dresses and thought “wow, that is refreshingly age-appropriate,” so don’t worry, if I ever have a daughter she’s definitely gonna hate me when she’s a teenager.

Seattle D.J.

Deej went to high school, got a boyfriend, loosened up, and started wearing flannels. Which, during this particular era, was more universal and not like a subversive Seattle grunge thing.

Mid-90s Seventeen Magazine D.J.

As in, she looks just like the girls in the copies of Seventeen magazine I used to sneak-read when my sister got them in 1995. This was that fun Clueless era when mod accents, A-line silhouettes and athletic influences made teen fashion its own category. Deej favored slouchy faded-wash jeans and bodysuits for casual wear and short but not mini-short skirts when dressing up. Plus Candace Cameron got that cute bob and started to look like a trendy college girl instead of a goofy sitcom kid.

Stephanie

Adorable Moppet Stephanie

In the first few years, when Michelle was strictly in nonspeaking baby territory, Stephanie was the resident cute little kid. And she was GOOD at it: I remember watching reruns with friends in college, and all of us being stunned because little Jodie Sweetin actually had great delivery and timing. Early on, costumers played up the adorable little kid angle. They kept Stephanie in the same pastels and unteased hair as D.J., when at this point in the 80s there were a lot of loud prints and weird bangs going on in the outside world.

Foreman Of The Sass Factory Stephanie

Stephanie got older, and the Full House writers got more and more obsessed with catch phrases. They established Stephanie as the household sass. Jodie Sweetin got to rock a lot more neon patterns and weird prints, plus she got a perm.

Trendy Tween Stephanie

The perm came down and the bangs came up, and it became clear that Stephanie was the cool one in the family. Stephanie really got to shine as the aspiring young hip hop dancer that she was.

Bad Girl Stephanie

By the 7th season, Deej was too much of a 13-year-old Cathy Comic to give her many ‘edgy’ teen storylines (I mean, the time Jesse thought she was drinking and she wasn’t, I guess?). Michelle was now the cute kid. That mean that Stephanie had to be the ‘rebel.’ You can tell because she went to make-out parties, hung out with strange boys at the food court, didn’t practice for the talent show and wore a midriff-baring top.