Things I’m Willing To Believe About Lincoln Chafee

Posted in Miscellany by Molly

Like most people watching the Democratic Debate this week, I went into it with no clue who Lincoln Chafee is. And also like most people watching the Democratic Debate this week, I left it with no clue who Lincoln Chafee is. I will have to do some more homework on Chafee if he’s still around by the New York primaries, but until then I’d rather replace research with wild speculation. As in, none of the below is true – just baseless speculation that popped into my head as I watched the debate. We usually reserve this format for heartthrobs like Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tom Brady, but hey, politicians are superstars, too. Kind of.

None of the following is the truth about Lincoln Chafee, but I am entirely willing to believe that:

Lincoln Chafee is the artist’s model for an animatronic pilgrim figure in Plimoth Colony.
Speaking of which, Lincoln Chafee’s ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
All of his ancestors.
In some parts, legend has it that Lincoln Chafee was roused from a 200-year slumber to find himself on the debate stage.
Lincoln Chafee sleeps in proper pajamas. Flannel in the winter, cotton in the summer, changed out in May and October irrespective of temperature.
Lincoln Chafee does not consider any animal under 40 pounds a “dog,” unless it’s a beagle.
Lincoln Chafee is the designated reader of The Night Before Christmas in his family. It’s amazing, but I swear he can make his eyes twinkle on cue.
Lincoln Chafee once visited a living history museum, took a liking to it, and moved in.
Nobody caught him for 3 months.
Lincoln Chafee is not Mormon, but does consider coffee a “strong drink.”
On a summer’s night, Lincoln Chafee sometimes sits on the porch, pulls out his banjo, and plays Turkey In The Straw to sooth his ruffled soul.
Lincoln Chafee can whittle.
He changed his name from Buchanan Chafee after years of schoolyard taunts that Buchanan was “not even a good president.”
He plays a solid game of jacks, and is known for his mastery of the elusive “eightsies.”
When Lincoln Chafee threw out his back, he proclaimed that “Father Time is catching up with me at last.” But he looked over his shoulder as he said it, as though he really did worry that Father Time was catching up with him at last.
When Lincoln Chafee has a picnic, his basket is lined with gingham.
When Lincoln Chafee gets ticked, he’s been known to tell people to “go fly a kite.”
He once got very riled and called an opponent a “scoundrel and a rapscallion,” and has felt sorry for it ever since.
Chafee’s wife ordered Anne Geddes checks, and she has explained it to him 1,000 times, but he still is confused by the “damn baby on it” every time.
Lincoln Chafee winds down with a glass of warm milk at night.
His pet peeve: productions that transpose Shakesepeare’s plays to other locations. A Midsummer Night’s Dream set after-hours at a theme park? Romeo and Juliet on the border of Israel and Palestine? No and thank you.
Lincoln Chafee has a grandson named Logan and a granddaughter named Skyler. He refers to them as Roy and Betty because those are “real names.”
Lincoln scored tickets to Hamilton,. After curtain call he was seen shaking his head in confusion and dismay. “Not how it was, not a’tall,” he was heard to say.
Lincoln Chafee gently chides his son-in-law for his “fantastical lawnmower.”
It is a gas lawn mower.
Will tell anyone who will listen about this “God-awful modern church” he went to one time.
It was Methodist.
Chafee’s hairdresser calls his haircut “the regular” to his face, but “the circus man” behind his back (after an iconic Little House On The Prairie guest star:

Parted his hair to the side once. Didn’t care for it.

15Oct2015

Dance Craze Cray

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

There is nothing that makes you feel more old when a kid references something that you don’t understand. You know, when you think the person had a stroke in saying something to you, but instead, you take note and look it up on Urban Dictionary later only to find out it’s something either extremely sexual or not at all what you thought.

I was watching the BET Hip Hop Awards earlier this week, when a rapper named IHeartMemphis (apparently he’s just going by Memphis now), performed his hit song Hit The Quan which comes complete with a funky dance. Legit the only other time I had heard of it was when Hayes Grier (look him up, grandma) mentioned it on Dancing With The Stars (haters to the left) and I was like… is that English? Not only is it English, but it’s becoming the new hit that will be overplayed in approx 4 weeks and soon we’ll be seeing people who shouldn’t be doing the Quan doing it anyways.

But of course, this isn’t the first time a novelty dance has swept the nation/world. It’s become a pop culture milestone once a song reaches a certain level of popularity, and here are just some of the most memorable ones throughout the years.

Whip/Nae Nae

If you’re just catching on to the Whip/Nae Nae now, just be aware it will be over in a few weeks before the Quan takes over. The Whip/Nae Nae, to Silento’s Watch Me, actually is one of the few songs on this list that includes other famous dance moves from novelty songs, such as the superman, stanky leg, and bop. That doesn’t make it any less stupid.

Macarena

The year is 1996. A song called Macarena by Los Del Rio hits the radio and a young Traci in Western New York, who thinks it’s cool to be able to buy cassette tapes and CDs, purchases the cassette single of Macarena to… practice the dance? The Macarena became a hit in my house and all over the world, and a number one track on multiple music charts. It was played at school dances, weddings, sports arenas, basically anywhere you could listen to music. Not knowing the moves was considered sacrilege, like a betrayal to the human race. But since it was in Spanish, most people never really knew what the song was really about, and it’s kind of disturbing.

It was inspired by a flamenco teacher, and in the song they sing, “Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Ma’dalena, que tu cuerpo e’ pa’ darle alegría y cosa’ buena'” (“Give your body some joy, Magdalene, ’cause your body is for giving joy and good things too”). In Andalusian culture, naming a woman “Magdalena” is associating her with Mary Magdalene and her sordid (prostitute) past, suggesting the woman is sassy or sensuous.

Teach Me How To Dougie

Cali Swag District actually wants to teach you how to dougie. So much so that they put the instructions into the lyrics of the song. 1) You need a “beat that’s super bumping”. 2) Back it up and dump it. 3) Put your arms out from and lean side to side 4) They gon’ be on you when they see you hit that dougie right. 5) All the bitches will love you.

Tootsee Roll

This song is my youth. MY YOUTH, I SAY! I was 9 years old when the 69 Boyz released this jam (hahahaha everything about that) and I remember it being a popular song with me and my friends and we’d constantly reference it. I certainly wasn’t aware of what I was singing and dancing along to, all I knew was that I liked it, and damnit, I still like it. This music video tho.

Superman

As previously mentioned, the Whip/Nae Nae mentions the Superman aka Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy, which for some reason I can’t believe was released 8 years ago. Anyways, Soulja Boy was just 17 when the song reached number one and became an international hit. So why has it taken me so long to find out “Crank That” is also a euphemism for masturbation???? This, from Genius.com, so obviously accurate.

Gangnam Style

Who knew that a K-Pop star could take the world by storm with a song that’s not in English and a music video that barely makes any sense? With over 2.43 billion views on YouTube, this is the most watched vid on the site, but really, my favorite Gangnam Style vid has to go to SNL’s sketch featuring Bobby Moynihan as Psy and Hader as the weird dude in the elevator. Comedy gold.

Harlem Shake

So we know the actual Harlem Shake dance is actually nothing like these “meme” that went viral a few years ago, but I was still confused when this first came out. I was expecting this but instead got a bunch of idiots making their own version of the madness that is the Harlem Shake. But this one, featuring the cast of Happy Endings (RIP) is one of the best.

12Oct2015

Essential Programming At The Ginger Pride Festival

Posted in Miscellany by Molly

If you’re a redhead – or a ginger, as, in the immortal words of Tim Minchin, only a ginger can call another ginger ginger – somebody has probably already told you about the Ginger Pride Festival. I somehow only got word of it in the past month, and while I will absolutely not be attending, I think I could lend a hand … an ice-cold, pale, freckled hand. I’m not sure what they have planned, but as far as I’m concerned the following features and programming are essential:

Sunscreen Booths

In the same way that Port-a-Potties are included in the price of music festival admissions, sunscreen should be available without extra charge. Booths can offer bottles of sunscreen, or maybe a sunscreen spray-mister. It goes without saying that they will have that unscented, sensitive skin kind that they make for babies with allergies. You know, for those of us whose eyes water and skin burns at adult sunscreen. What can I say, we are not a robust people.

Night Time Pool Party, Volleyball Tournament, and Kickball Competition

Honestly, maybe just skip the outdoor programming altogether during peak Skin Cancer Hours.

“Has Anyone Ever Told You You Look Just Like…” Contest

How is it possible for one person to look like Little Orphan Annie, Christina Hendricks and Jessica Chastain? It isn’t. But if you have red hair, people will tell you that you look like every other ginger, famous or not. In this contest, prizes are awarded for both the person who looks the most like the ginger celeb they’re told they resemble, as well as the person who least resembles their would-be doppelgänger.

Is this Conan O’Brien, or me in 1990? WHO COULD EVEN TELL?

The Burning of Carrot Top in Effigy

He has done such damage to our people’s reputation.

Booths From Ginger-Friendly Dentists And Anesthesiologists

It’s weird but it’s true: redheads require higher doses of anesthetics and pain blockers. When I was getting stitches a few years ago, I eventually pretended that I was numb after 5 shots of local anesthetic so they would get on with it. A redhead-sensitive medical professional could make a pretty penny from all these coppers.

By the way, red hair is caused by a mutation on the melanocortin-1 receptor (MC1r), and the anesthesia thing seems to be linked to the same mutation. But I’m sure you were called “mutant” enough as a child that this isn’t a surprise. The bonus is that we have higher pain tolerance in general – I’m the only person I know who described tattoos over bone as “tickle-y.”

Live Maury Povich Taping: Ginger Pride Festival Edition

Another troublesome effect of that wily MC1R mutation: it can crop up out of nowhere. A random ginger kid showing up in a brown or blonde family has caused scores of parents and children to question parentage. But Maury Povich is on the case, telling yellow- and brown- haired dads that they ARE the father, after all.

Ginger Makeup Demonstrations

Redheads are overlooked in the cosmetics industry. I can’t tell you how many times I came home with the lightest concealer or foundation, only to find that it still overpowered my see-through skin. And if you want to cover up freckles, forget it: advice ranges from “embrace them!” (if that’s what I wanted to do, I wouldn’t be Googling it) to “use a foundation in between the color of your freckles and your regular skin” (yes, I’m sure plastering my face in a color between dark brown and paper-white would make everything blend right in). Also, my kingdom for someone who can show me how to wear a strong eye or lip without looking like a clown. With redhead-friendly cosmetic vendors and live makeup tutorials, I think the world – or at least the mirror – could be a prettier place for gingers.

Caveat: darker-skinned, brown-eyed redheads do seem to look more like humans in makeup.

Round Table: Not All In The Family

A group therapy/gripe session for all those ginger couples who have to deal with the constant assumption that they’re siblings.

Fake Redheads And You

Are you flattered by their imitation hair color, or do you feel like they didn’t earn their place on our team? Do you call anyone a ginger if their hair is currently red, or do they have to be born with it? And do you have a superhuman ability to suss out a fake ginger, scoffing at the Normies who always seem shocked that someone with olive skin and brown eyebrows is a dyer? We have a lot to discuss.

Confronting Stereotypes

It’s enough to make you angry – but it probably doesn’t, because we are TOTALLY NOT ALL HOTHEADS, right? Great. This panel will include such stereotype-defiers as a non-Irish redhead, a chill ginger, a lady redhead who isn’t creeped out by guys with a ginger fetish, a tan ginger, and an actual redheaded stepchild (who is beloved and cherished).

Eyebrow Game

In a world where “brow game strong” and “brows on fleek” (…ugh) are plastered across social media, come commiserate with your comrades who have red hair but inexplicably clear eyebrows. And if you try to color them in with auburn pencil, forget it: you just look like a leprechaun. No matter how you play the brow game, redheads lose every time.

5Oct2015

For The Peeple, Hated By The Peeple

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

Last week, the Internet was up in arms (but when is it not) about a new app called Peeple, which lets you rate and review other people. It’s been called “Yelp for Humans”, which is how it’s being marketed around the web, hence the outrage among social media users who haven’t done any further research.

https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/649566110153510912?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

I’m definitely not defending this app, but I wanted to figure out why the founders of it wanted to make it in the first place. These two best friends, one in Canada, one in the U.S., were dedicated to “changing the way people can learn about each other online.” Their solution was Peeple, an app that “allows you to rate and comment about the people you interact with in your daily lives on the following three categories: personal, professional, and dating.”

Ok, seems easy enough. But, why sign up to do it? What is the goal to be accomplished here? According to these ladies, their mission is to “find the good in you”, and “enhance your online reputation for access to better quality networks, top job opportunities, and promote more informed decision making about people” – hence the personal, professional and dating categories.

They also stress that Peeple is a “positivity app for positive people”, and they’ve shown active support to the anti-bullying movement. But you’re wondering how that’s possible when people can just go to your profile and say anything they damn please, right? Well according to their website, if someone writes a negative review about you, it doesn’t go public on your profile right away, it goes to your inbox and you can then “work it out” with the person who left said review. You can also “report” people like on Twitter and Insta, etc. but negative reviews can still show up on your profile.

Also, you have to be 21 to join Peeple, and have a Facebook account and cell phone number to sign up. You also don’t have the option of taking yourself off Peeple.

So those are the facts. Here’s my opinion: I get what these ladies are trying to do. Create a safe space where others can talk about how good you are in a public forum. It’s like the LinkedIn section where employers and co-workers can back up your resume by writing a nice blurb. But in reality, this isn’t going to work. The environment on the Internet has changed so drastically, even within the past few years, that it’s seemingly impossible to create a “positive app for positive people”. Just because you call something “positive” doesn’t mean it’s going to be that. If I say this party I’m going to is going to be “awesome”, it’s not going to automatically be “awesome” since someone vommed near the doorway and it’s basically impossible to escape. Reviews on people are metaphorical vomit.

Plus, the nature of the app itself is wont for negativity. Even though it’s 21 and over, adults can be assholes too. And it’s not always straight out “this girl’s a bitch”, it can be even meaner than that, since grown-ups are strategic and know how to push your buttons. Also, shade.

It’s just not smart idea given the current Internet climate. Especially because it’s already gotten a lot of bad press. This tweet basically sums it up for me:

https://twitter.com/saraschaefer1/status/649449249864724480?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Peeple sets up users to basically judge the people they know, and this act of judging has become even more prevalent in our digital culture thanks to the simple technology of ‘the comments section’. But Peeple isn’t the first app to take on this idea of micromanaging criticisms. There’s an innocent one called the Kissing Test, where you lit’rally kiss the screen and it somehow tells you if you’re a pro, novice, or horrible. Similar to that, there’s the Passion app which will tell you how “good” you are in bed. Yup. Just set up the app and place the phone near (or on?) you during sex, and using the mic and other technologies I don’t understand, it will give you a score:

Then there’s the Gym Shamer, which will basically humiliate you publicly to friends on social media if you fail to reach your fitness goals that day.

Do we really need apps for any of this? How about instead of making a “positivity app for positive people”, we start with being positive IRL. And that’s a term all you people on the Internet will understand.

1Oct2015

On October 1st, He Asked Me What Day It Was

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

It’s October 1st.

Do you guys feel like there’s a large majority of people that are particularly obsessed with this month? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy October, but there are folks who are in love with October. But I suppose they have good reason. While September marks a time when kids go back to school and it’s technically fall, October is kind of like the after-dinner mint of summer. Enough to signify summer’s done, but leaves you feeling like you need to order a slice of cake to fully get into dessert.

October is when it starts to cool down everywhere and there’s a literal shift in the air. We finally acquiesce to wearing more pants instead of skirts, ordering more hot coffee instead of iced, crockpots instead of ice cream makers. For some reason, there’s more of a deliberate move into fall throughout the month of October, with certain habits, routines and traditions we take on. These are just some of the things that get us through the month, and perhaps why October is thought to be the best of them all.

It’s October 3rd

Of course, we start off with National Mean Girls Day (not a real holiday, but most of those ‘National’ days aren’t anyways). It may not fall on a Wednesday this year, but Mean Girls devotees and Plastics everywhere will be wearing pink and Aaron Samuels/Jonathan Bennett will have his annual day of, ‘Hey guys, remember me? I still exist’ on social media.

Pumpkin Errything

If something says ‘Seasonal Item’ stamped across an item, it signals the impulse in our brains to BUY IT BUY ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW. From PSL to pumpkin pie Pringles to actual pumpkin pies, we tend to be inundated with orange everywhere… and for most of us, we give in.

And Then Swipe Left On This

Burger King announced they’re also getting in the October spirit by releasing something called the Halloween Whopper, which is basically their signature burg, but with a black bun. Said bun apparently has A1 steak sauce baked into it and has a black pepper flavor flav, and basically it’s disgusting. Just because it’s Halloween doesn’t mean you have to make your taste buds suffer.

Insta That Shit

For the non-California/West Coast residents, you get the privilege of seeing the leaves change colors to something out of a Bob Ross painting IRL. But instead of putting it on canvas, sharing these picturesque landscapes and feet crunching on the ground is perfect for social media. #Foliage #Fall #Autumn #Leaves #Colors #ILoveFall

It Gets Super Dark

I realize that we’re nearing the end of Daylight Savings Time, but it always, always catches me off guard when I look outside one second and it’s light out then next thing I know it’s pitch black. I leave work around 7p, so I’m used to the sun going down around the time I leave, but the past few days it’s been like a blackout. Like the picture above is me. #BlackoutSelfie.

Avoid The Candy

legit how i would organize my candy as a kid. i was a nerd.

As adults, Halloween becomes more about going out to parties and collecting alcohol as opposed to going out to strangers’ houses and collecting candy. And because we’re adults, we’re more apt to think, ‘I’m a grown ass man/woman, I can just buy a bag of candy any damn day I want!’. But then at work they have candy lying around and everywhere you look there’s free candy – next thing you know, you’re surrounded by wrappers and you wake up from your sugar coma wondering what just happened. And it happens pretty much from mid-October on to mid-November. This is a problem. Avoid it at all costs. What would your dentist say??

Deciding Which Halloween Parties Not To Go To

actually a nightmare

As previous mentioned, Halloween in your 20s means bars and parties and less going door-to-door. But I’m gonna be honest with y’all – as I approach the big 3-0, I want nothing to do with that. Maybe it’s just me, and I fall in a minority (in more ways than one) of not wanting to go rage in an outfit I’m only going to wear once. Is it a sensible affair with wine and mostly people I know? I’m available. Count me out if it’s a party with more than one Sexy *Item that should never be sexy* costume and a keg. I’m actually too old for that shit.

Scared Straight

Halloween is one of the few holidays that circle around the tradition of watching a certain genre of movies – Christmas has its own set of films and scary movies are reserved for Halloween. I personally don’t partake in this particular tradition, as I’m more of a Twitches girl, myself. But I get the allure.

Christmastime Is Here

I hate to say it, but I’ve seen it. I’ve seen the store displays with my own two eyes and it’s real.

28Sep2015

It’s 1994: Let’s All Decorate Your Grandma’s House!

Posted in GSOY (Gratuitous Story of Yourself), Miscellany by Molly

In this edition of Let’s All Decorate, we are delving into one of my personal fascinations: grandparents. For the design-obsessed, there’s something even more fascinating about grandparents than their stories about the Great Depression: their houses. It’s almost like irrespective of income or geography, everyone’s grandmas and grandpas were decorating from the same catalog.

The best thing about your grandma’s house – other than your grandma, naturally – was that it was sort of a time capsule. After a certain point, your grandma probably decided that she was done redecorating, so visits to her house were like going to the Happy Days set. Even my more modern, design-minded grandma had these amazing artifacts of my mom’s 1950s childhood in her basement and closets. Visiting your grandma was a bit like time-traveling or visiting a living history museum.

Like all of our Let’s All Decorate installments, we are focusing on a time in the near past – roughly 1994, during our peak childhood years. In 1994, the relatively hip baby boomers weren’t yet grandparents (my boomer parents have 8 grandkids, but they don’t have a “grandma” house). No, grandparents of 90s kids were members of the “greatest generation” – which did not stand for “greatest generation of decorators.”

Let’s all decorate in 1994: when your grandparents’ house was full of love. Love, and probably a wooden television case.

Candy You Weren’t Allowed To Eat

“Eat me!”, the candy said.

“Eat some candy!”, your grandma said.

“Don’t eat that!”, Your mom said.

Everyone’s grandma seemed to have glass jars of candy – gumdrops and Werther’s Originals were popular choices. And your mom never let you eat it. Was it old? Dusty? Merely decorative? Who would keep jars of candy that children weren’t allowed to eat? Old people, is who.

It’s like every trip to grandma’s kitchen was a visit to one of those wedding candy bar tables and nobody gave you a gift bag.

A TV In A Giant Wooden Box

In the 1950s, there was an unfortunate collision of home decor forces: the rise of the television, coupled with the rise of suburban Colonial Revival. The result: the television set they would have watched in Colonial Williamsburg, complete with spindles and a drawer that didn’t open.

Fun fact: I remember my grandma searching for a new TV in the mid or late 90s. She complained about how hard it was to find TV sets in the giant wooden box, which she preferred because she said it looked nicer and warmer. Grandparents found naked televisions sort of stark and electronic-looking.

Grammy eventually found the wooden 13 Colonies Television, by the way. I imagine it was in a special basement stockroom marked “Grandma TVs.”

Paneling, Somewhere

When the grandparents of the 90s were the parents of the 1950s – 1970s, somebody convinced all of them that wood paneling was easy to clean and maintain, and could look either stately or rustic depending on how you styled it. My dad’s parents proudly proclaimed that they would never have to paint their living and dining room again!

Yeah. Because it looks like Pa Ingalls’ cabin, instead.

By the 1990s, nobody was installing wood paneling, but most grandparents still had it somewhere in their home, even if only in a basement lounge.

These Bowls

You know why everyone’s grandma had these bowls – often in way less appealing colors? Because she bought them in 1961 and Pyrex is indestructible. My mom has a set too, and I wish I did as well, because these bowls are the best.

Carpeting Where There Shouldn’t Be

And it was always gold or brown for some reason? And just a little bit too long.

When my parents bought their house from some older people in 2000, the entire house was full of gleaming original hardwoods – except the kitchen and the bathroom. The two very worst places to have carpeting.

Possibly Some Clear Runners On The Hardwoods Or Carpeting

Why even have hardwoods? Or carpeting? It really added to the “this is a museum of American life in 1976” vibe.

Toilet Paper And Kleenex Receptacles

Where grandma’s glue gun chops really had a chance to shine. Grandparents loved keeping a spare role on top of the toilet, and covering it in either a floral and lace-trimmed box, or maybe a hand-knitted cozy. Sometimes the toilet paper cover looked like like a human woman from the past, to go with the misguided colonial motif.

Weirdly Dark Lamps

They’re lamps. Yet they’re somehow making everything look darker.

This one kind of chair

Both sets of grandparents had these. I scoffed, but now I kind of which I had them for some of those hard-to-fill corners of my house.

Drapes. Not Curtains. Drapes.

That you’d draw, not open or close. These were usually heavy, light-blocking, and in some kind of a gold or mustard color.

A tweed couch

Not always the primary couch, it may have been a pullout in the family room for grandkid sleepovers. It wasn’t necessarily plaid.

Knick Knacks From The Land Of Their Ancestors

Whether your grandparents were right off the boat or daughters and sons of the American Revolution, they probably displayed their pride in their ancestral homeland through figurines, dolls, and plaques.

[Aside: in my weird family, my grandpas were both those Irish-American guys for whom “being Irish” is like their number one hobby, so ancestral knick-knacks abounded. I don’t even think I knew until mid-childhood that my grandmothers weren’t at all Irish. Go figure.]

Maybe some religious stuff, too

This varied. I had one of those Catholic grandmas who had all of the merch, so there were statues, portraits and rosaries all over that joint. At the very least, your grandparents probably had a church or synagogue directory with their photo in it, and phone numbers of all the other old people.

There were other things some grandparents’ houses had, like absurdly old photos of you, old people smell, and plates full of baked goods that were foisted on you as soon as you walked in the door. But without the heart and soul of the 1994 grandparents’ house – their total love for and obsession with their grandkids – it would have just been a collection of decorating mistakes and DIY disasters.

25Sep2015

Fall 2015 Pumpkin Spice Roundup

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

Now that it’s officially fall, we’re well into every white girl’s favorite time of the year – Pumpkin Spice season. I don’t know how it got to the extreme level of obsession, it’s like you really enjoy Pumpkin Spice Lattes from Starbucks one day, and the next thing you know, they’re marketing it as “PSL”, which is obviously the acronym for it and also the code baristas write on the cups. It’s gotten so crazy this year, that Starbucks tried to make it seem like PSL was available to VIPs, and if you wanted to get the bev 1 week early, you needed to know the secret code. There was a secret code to get a $5.75 PSL ONE week before it was released in stores. This is where we are now.

Last year, we covered the PSI (Pumpkin Spice Items, obvs) currently on sale, and because apparently this is an ever-growing market, I decided we needed to dig into this year’s offerings. Now, to be honest, I haven’t tried most of these things, so these comments are purely based on conjecture, but if you’ve taste tested any of these, feel free to chime in!

Pumpkin Pie Mochi

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 2. Mainly because it’s pumpkin pie flavor and not pumpkin spice.

Is it necessary? Maybe. OG Japanese ice cream mochi has flavs like chocolate, vanilla and AZN ones such as grreen tea, but I feel like pumpkin may be too out of the realm of normal. But that doesn’t matter, I bet this is good, anyways.

Pumpkin Waffles

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 9 – the perfect amount.

Is it necessary? Yes. This is the only item on the list that I’ve actually tried. These waffles have just the right amount of pumpkin spice in them that it’s not overwhelming and tastes like autumn in your mouth.

Pumpkin Spice Peeps

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 4 – based on the “flavored marshmallow” and overwhelming white fudge.

Is it necessary? No. I get that the Peeps company is trying to get consumers to buy their items year-round, and not just for Easter. I get that. But that doesn’t mean use the ziestgesty flavor of the season, dip it in white chocolate, and sell it to sugar heads. Maybe just still to the original recipe and do a different color. Rainbow, perhaps?

Pumpkin Spice Mini Wheats

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 7 – those pumpkin spice granules can easily get lodged in all those mini-wheat nooks and crannies.

Is it necessary? Sure. I feel like pumpkin spice goes well with breakfast foods (waffles, bagels, oatmeal), so why not with the Frosted Mini-Wheats. Does pumpkin have fiber in it?

Pumpkin Spice Latte M&MS

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 4 – the PS flavors are artificial so I’m guessing not the PS goodness that we expect.

Is it necessary? No. These are the flavors that only need to exist in M&M world: original, dark chocolate, peanut and peanut butter. I don’t want your crispy or pretzel or lemon lime (not real) and I don’t want your pumpkin spice.

Organic Pumpkin Spice Kale Chips

Pumpkin Spice Meter: who cares this sounds disgusting

Is it necessary? Absolutely not. Can we stop trying to make kale more than it isn’t? It’s fine in salads and ok as chips, but why does it need to be added with pumpkin spice??? Just stop.

Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 3 – again, artificial PS flavor, real gross flavor

Is it necessary? No. Does anyone else just not like all the other flavored Hershey Kisses? I still would pick a million other candies over a Kiss, but if I had to, the plain chocolate is the way to go. Also do people actually just want a lil but of pumpkin spice in their bellies? If you’re hankering for that flavor, just get a PSL.

Pumpkin Spice Milanos

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 5 – not real pumpkin spice flavor, but good enough to be edible.

Is it necessary? Perhaps. Pepperidge Farms usually does really well with their different flavors. I used to be obsessed with the mint ones. The mini mint milanos? Forget it.

Pumpkin Spice Terra Chips

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 8 – yeah, I’m in support of this

Is it necessary? Yes. I fel like this would be a great mix between sweet and salty. Also Terra chips are bomb, so they usually don’t do wrong.

Boom Chicka Pop Pumpkin Spice

Pumpkin Spice Meter: 7 – I can’t imagine this using artificial spices on the kettle korn

Is it necessary? Yeah, okay. It’s another case of sweet and salty, so it’s probably good. But we need to draw the line somewhere.

23Sep2015

So The Pope’s In Your ‘Hood

Posted in Miscellany by Traci

Yesterday, Pope Francis touched down in his Shepherd One (large Alitalia plane) in Washington, D.C. for his first visit to the States as Pope (and as a human). It marked the beginning of a five-day trip on the east coast, and if I’m being real, interrupted my viewing of Ellen with Lester Holt describing a Fiat 500L. Even if you’re not Catholic, or religious, it’s still fascinating to keep up with, and if you’re a resident of DC, New York or Philadelphia, it’s kind of necessary since it will probably either make or break your day. So if you’re in one of these cities where the Pope is lit’rally blessing you with his presence, here are some guidelines to follow to stay sane with the holy one.

Get Ready For Angry Commuters

In Los Angeles, we already deal with a lot of traffic. But people’s anger is tested when the President is in town, as major streets have to be closed, subsequently rerouting folks all over the place. It’s the kind of anger that’s usually taken out on all social media platforms by pretty much anyone. There’s nothing worse than assuming you’ll be on time for work only to find out the roads are closed and you have to take 15 side streets instead, but everyone else is doing the same thing and you’re at a full stop and the only way to vent your frustration is by tweeting #THANKSOBAMA.

Spot His Ride

In likely Pope fashion, he got off the plane, walked on a red carpet, greeted the Obamas and misc. members of the archdiocese and got in his sleek, black, spacious Fiat 500L. If you’re one of the folks who saw this and thought, ‘Well that’s a choice’, Pope Francis is known for using more modest cars, as a reflection of his emphasis for a simple less consumeristic lifestyle. Still, the Popemobile is nothing compared to the whip he usually rides in all around the Vatican, a Renault 4 that’s 20 years old and has over 170,000 miles on it. I know Catholics are super not into change, but come on bro, at least see if Fiat can score you a 500L after giving them free advertising.

https://twitter.com/FIATUSA/status/646427230889861120?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Check Out The Website NOT Made On Geocities

For some reason, I was expecting the official Pope website to look like it was made via Geocities and include a lot of WordArt and Comic Sans, but I was delightfully surprised to see that it was none of those things (although I would’ve been pleased if it had). There’s a lot of useful information on the site, and the layout is easy to navigate. But my main takeaway was that the site is run by CatholicToTheMax.com. Catholic To the Max Dot Com. In case you missed that, it’s CATHOLIC. TO. THE. MAX. DOT. COM. Not just a little Catholic, or a lot Catholic, but to the MAXimum level one can be Catholic. GOD. BLESS.

Scroll His Twitter

The earth, our home, is beginning to look more and more like an immense pile of filth.

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) June 18, 2015

While he’s not the type to share his location on Swarm or crosspost his #NoFilter photos from Insta, but the Pope does have a strong Twitter following with 7.23 million. If you’re hoping to get a reply from Pope Frank, it’s not going to happen. He’s more of a tweeter than a replier.

Buy Some Swag

After clicking around the website and CatholicToTheMax.com, I discovered a treasure trove of Pope branded items. Items I never knew needed to be made, or that there is even a demand for.

“Takes selfies. Not all about the bling.” Those are actual phrases on the back of that shirt. Why are 60 year old former ad execs attempting to market to teens?

THIS STANDEE IS $160. ALSO WHO ARE THESE WOMEN.

Again, who is coming up with the ad copy and ideas for merch? I didn’t realize people still wore custom dog tags. If someone had informed me earlier, I would’ve dug out my BSB dog chains a long time ago.

Again, what year is it? Are these yellow bands leftover from LiveStrong?

I *hat* Pope Francis = We *peacock* comedy.

Learn the New Words To Mass

If you are so inclined to attend one of the Pope’s masses, it’s important that you know that the words to the mass changed in 2011. I found this out recently when Molly & I attended our friend’s wedding, which was a full mass. Now, as we’ve previously mentioned, Molly & I met at our Catholic high school, and I went to Catholic school my entire life, despite not being Catholic. But I learned the script. I was prepared for our friend’s wedding – EXCEPT I WASN’T. Stuff like ” And also with you,” has been changed to “And with your Spirit.” It’s a small change, but it’s like Jim Halpert-level pranks that are so harmless but annoying at the same time. Although if you’re pumped enough to brave the crowds and see the Pope IRL, this is kind of a moot point (A cow’s opinion).

17Sep2015

Give It Up For The Gilmore Guys!

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by Traci

If you’ve arrived to our blog for the first time, it’s important you know that you will see multiple posts under tags like, “Amy Poehler”, “90s” and “Gilmore Girls”, among others. The latter of which, we dedicated an entire week to in June in preparation for our visit to the ATX Television Festival for the Gilmore Girls Reunion. Yeah, we’re those kind of bloggers.

Naturally, anything concerning the show would make us interested, including a little podcast called the Gilmore Guys. I first heard of it last December, since my friends know I’m a crazy Gilly (GG fan), they asked if I had listened to this podcast yet. The conceit is simple – a longtime fan (Kevin) and someone who had never seen the show before (Demi) discuss every episode in the show’s seven-season run. Ok y’all, full disclosure – I started listening to the first episode and I just couldn’t get through it. I felt like they were trying too hard to prove they were funny and entertaining, and I went in hoping for insightful criticism on GG’s pilot ep.

Fast forward to a few months later when they had Scott Patterson (#LUKEDANESDREAMMAN) on the show, and obviously I needed to tune in. Although this particular episode was an interview (Gilmore Gab, if you will) instead of the usual discussion of an episode, I noticed that they were much more interesting to listen to, and felt like they were finally comfortable behind the mic. That led me to download random episodes, which led me to stalking Kevin on Twitter and seeing his suggestion to follower about which eps to listen to as a first-timer… and I quickly became obsessed. All I would do was listen to the podcast, and at a rapid pace, might I add, because I wanted to get caught up. This lead me to start rewatching GG on Netflix from the beginning so I could following along at home while listening to the podcast. I’ve been even more obsessed with GG lately (if that’s even possible), and started telling anyone who’s ever watched an episode of the show about the podcast. And that’s what I’m going to do today for this post.

Where can I find the episodes?

Click here! Or ya know, use that Podcast app on your phone that you can’t delete.

Who is this podcast really for?

Gilmore Girls fans (both gals and guys) who like hearing a different perspective on the show with a comedy twist. This isn’t a serious in-depth podcast. You will legit LOL.

What’s the deal with these dudes?

Kevin is a freelance editor by time, longtime fan by night, and Demi works on social media/interactive components for @midnight, and first-time fan by night. They met through UCB (Upright Citizens Brigade, you n00bs), and exactly a year ago, Kevin sent out a tweet half joking about doing a podcast about the show, since it was about to launch on Netflix. Demi responded and the rest is history.

Where did you take that picture? Who is that man in the middle?

Because I’ve reached the height of by obsession, I recently attended one of their live shows (AKA Town Meetings) in LA. They’ve already been to New York, Austin, Philadelphia and D.C., but since Kevin and Demi are based in LA, most of their shows are here. The guy in the middle is comedian Paul F. Tompkins, who was the guest for Episode 507, You Jump, I Jump Jack, which you Gillys might know as the Life & Death Brigade episode. Hence the tuxedos, umbrellas, and Out of Africa outfit.

There are guests?

Yes! Kevin & Demi rarely do an episode solo bolo, and often have one other person in the studio discussing the episode. The guests, usually comedians or in that world, either are fans of the show or, like Demi, have never seen it before.

Intriguing. So which episodes should I listen to as a first-timer?

Again, because folks know I’m hardcore, they’ve asked me about my thoughts on the podcast, or if I know my friends are Gillys, I’ll bug them to listen to episodes. In saying that, I created a Gilmore Guys Podcast Starter Kit, and now I’m sharing it with y’all! They’re currently at the beginning of season five, so there is plenty of time to catch up, and I’m sure many more great eps to come!

207 Like Mother Like Daughter w/ Jeff Hiller
208 The Inns & Outs of Inns w/ Jamie Woodham
219 Teach Me Tonight w/ Sean Clements
221 Lorelai’s Graduation Day w/ Aisha Muharrar
222 I Can’t Get Started w/ DC Pierson
307 They Shoot Gilmores, Don’t They? w/ Jason Mantzoukas
309 A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving w/ Sarah Heyward
316 The Big One w/ Aisha Muharrar
401 Ballrooms and Biscotti w/ Jeff Hiller
404 Chicken or Beef? w/ Anthony Troli
413 Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels w/ Keiko Agena & Sarah Ramos
414 The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais w/ Keiko Agena, Stacey Oristano, and Sarah Ramos
421 Last Week’s Fights, This Week’s Tights w/ Aisha Muharrar, Mike DiCenzo and Mara Wilson
422 Raincoats & Recipes w/ Jason Mantzoukas
501 Say Goodbye To Daisy Miller w/ Todd Buonopane

Looks like some pretty awesome guests. Have they ever talked to any other members of the cast?

Why yes, yes they have! As previously mentioned, they had a Gilmore Gab with Scott Patterson, and recently interviewed Sean Gunn (Kirk) and Liza Weil (Paris). They’ve surprised fans at a NYC show by inviting Wayne Wilcox (Marty) to read some “lost scripts” – the full vid of which you can watch here -, and at the ATX Festival, Kevin had a chance to sit down with the Queen, Emily Gilmore aka Kelly Bishop. Also, they’ve interviewed executive producer Helen Pai and composer Sam Phillips (the ‘La Las’ singer), and maybe my fave gab, with casting directors Jami Rudofsky and Mara Casey, who are fantastically enthusiastic and give great insight on behind-the-scenes stuff.

Do I need to know anything before I dive into these?

My rule with any new TV show is to watch three episodes. If I still don’t like it after the third one, I quit. I’d say apply that rule to this podcast (even though I think you’ll only need one to get into them). Also, it helps if you’re a Gilmore Girls fan, new or old.

Ok, bottom line – why should I spend my time listening to this? And please be as thorough as possible with your answer, maybe even longer than you have to.

There’s probably no one more surprised to see the huge success of the podcast than Kevin and Demi themselves, but my theory is simple – it’s the perfect storm (the good kind, of course).

Gilmore Girls ended in 2007, wrapping with a seventh season many fans consider as its worst, since creator Amy Sherman-Palladino left due to failed contract negotiations at the end of season six. Moreover, they didn’t know if season seven was going to be its last or not, so what turned out to be the series finale was left open ended, leaving fans wanting more, and wanting closure.

I like to classify Gillys into three different groups – the OGs who watched it from the beginning and during its actual run (2000-2007), The Middle Sisters who started watching in the past few years thanks to ABC Family reruns and DVDs, and The Netflix Generation, who began to binge the entire series when it went up last fall.

Group all those together and you get a bunch of fans (most of whom are nostalgic-craving millennials) currently (re)watching Gilmore Girls, a show that ended eight years ago. So when Kevin started this podcast last fall (around the time everyone was obsessed with Adnan Syed) because the show was going up on Netflix, he unknowningly had a huge fan base already.

Adding to the ‘perfect storm’ is Demi, someone who is popular on the Internet (just don’t call him a Vine star), funny, and up for anything, including agreeing to do a podcast for a seven-season show he’s never seen before and doesn’t even know if he’ll like. But that’s what makes the podcast interesting – no matter where you are in your Gilmore Girls ‘journey’, you can relate to either Kevin or Demi. Together, they make a great team and bounce off each other really well, with not only off-the-cuff jokes, but insights – by GUYS – that most female fans of the show haven’t heard that much of.

As mentioned, they frequently invite guests on the show, which makes the listener want to keep coming back each episode to hear a new perspective. Also, because of their connections to UCB and the comedy world, they’ve managed to score impressive guest stars like Jason Mantzoukas, Jessica St. Clair, Paul Scheer, and Paul F. Tompkins, and of course having Luke Danes hint that there could be a future for the show then getting picked up by hundreds of news outlets doesn’t hurt either.

In addition, it was a real blessing that the Gilmore Girls cast reunited at the ATX Television Festival in June, something that hasn’t happened since the show ended, adding even more attention to their podcast (and again, Scott mentioned it during the ATX panel). The resurgence of interest also rings true among the millenial fans of the show, who now work at places Rory would die for like The New York Times Magazine and The Washington Post, and can write articles about their favorite podcast.

In summation, this podcast is coming in hot at the right time, with a podcast by two insightful and hilarious hosts who *get* the show and treat it reverently, not like some extra-curricular hobby they have to take part in. Gilmore Guys is listed in the Comedy/Entertainment section for a reason, and you’ll soon see why.

4Sep2015

#RightNowAFreshman versus In 2004, A Freshman…

Posted in Miscellany by Molly

Right now, a Freshman …

is perusing the trending Twitter hashtag #RightNowAFreshman to find other people sharing the same experience.

In 2004, a Freshman ….

thinks the last sentence was just a bunch of nonsense words. Also, why is there a pound sign?

Right now, a Freshman …

is wearing the same outfit my sister wore to her college move-in day in 1996.

In 2004, a Freshman …

would not have been caught DEAD in 90s clothes, unless it was part of a group Saved By The Bell Halloween costume. But I sure did look fly in my low-rise boot cuts, hot pink American Eagle polo, and pukka shell necklace!

is nervous about wasting all of their good outfits the first week.

In 2004 a Freshman …

was nervous about wasting all of their good outfits the first week.

Denim minis were the perfect dress up/ dress down item.

Right now, a Freshman…

is desperately trying to connect her phone to the dorm’s weak WiFi network so she doesn’t get socked with data charges. I don’t have the unlimited plan, here.

In 2004 a Freshman …

accidentally opened the internet browser on her flip phone then shut it in a panic. We aren’t millionaires here.

Right now a Freshman …

has decided that she’s not really the kind of person that goes to Frat parties. This is likely to change within a few weeks despite her aversion to pastel shorts worn with Oxford shirts.

In 2004 a Freshman ….

also decided that she wasn’t really the kind of person that goes to Frat parties, but changed her mind within a few weeks despite her aversion to popped collars and cargo shorts.

Has decided that she’s being *serious* about school now. Uses ALL the different highlighter colors.

Right now a Freshman ….

is making “friends” with some random kids they won’t be talking to by next semester.

In 2004, a Freshman…

Remembered those people well enough to friend them on The Facebook once that came out … and are still Facebook friends with them to this day. Not sure why.

Share this:

Whip/Nae Nae

Macarena

Teach Me How To Dougie

Tootsee Roll

Superman

Gangnam Style

Harlem Shake

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Sunscreen Booths

Night Time Pool Party, Volleyball Tournament, and Kickball Competition

“Has Anyone Ever Told You You Look Just Like…” Contest

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Booths From Ginger-Friendly Dentists And Anesthesiologists

Live Maury Povich Taping: Ginger Pride Festival Edition

Ginger Makeup Demonstrations

Round Table: Not All In The Family

Fake Redheads And You

Confronting Stereotypes

Eyebrow Game

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It’s October 3rd

Pumpkin Errything

And Then Swipe Left On This

Insta That Shit

It Gets Super Dark

Avoid The Candy

Deciding Which Halloween Parties Not To Go To

Scared Straight

Christmastime Is Here

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Candy You Weren’t Allowed To Eat

A TV In A Giant Wooden Box

Paneling, Somewhere

These Bowls

Carpeting Where There Shouldn’t Be

Possibly Some Clear Runners On The Hardwoods Or Carpeting

Toilet Paper And Kleenex Receptacles

Weirdly Dark Lamps

This one kind of chair

Drapes. Not Curtains. Drapes.

A tweed couch

Knick Knacks From The Land Of Their Ancestors

Maybe some religious stuff, too

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Pumpkin Pie Mochi

Pumpkin Waffles

Pumpkin Spice Peeps

Pumpkin Spice Mini Wheats

Pumpkin Spice Latte M&MS

Organic Pumpkin Spice Kale Chips

Pumpkin Spice Hershey Kisses

Pumpkin Spice Milanos

Pumpkin Spice Terra Chips

Boom Chicka Pop Pumpkin Spice

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Get Ready For Angry Commuters

Spot His Ride

Check Out The Website NOT Made On Geocities

Scroll His Twitter

Buy Some Swag

Learn the New Words To Mass

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Share this:

Where can I find the episodes?

Who is this podcast really for?

What’s the deal with these dudes?

Where did you take that picture? Who is that man in the middle?

There are guests?

Intriguing. So which episodes should I listen to as a first-timer?

Looks like some pretty awesome guests. Have they ever talked to any other members of the cast?

Do I need to know anything before I dive into these?

Ok, bottom line – why should I spend my time listening to this? And please be as thorough as possible with your answer, maybe even longer than you have to.

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