Category Archives: Miscellany

How To Throw A Solar Eclipse Themed Party

Posted in Miscellany by

On Monday, August 21 the sun will quit on the United States, and we don’t blame it.

Okay, not “quit” per se, but the moon will pass between the earth and the sun causing a total or partial blockage of the sun, depending on where you live. We think that calls for a themed party!

Total Eclipse Of The Screen

For the times the eclipse won’t be visible, we suggest playing space themed movies in the background. In particular:

  • Zenon, Girl Of The 21st Century
  • Armageddon
  • E.T.
  • Contact
  • Alien
  • The Martian
  • Independence Day
  • Space Camp
  • The Jetsons
  • Any Star Wars film
  • Any Star Treck film or episode
  • The Magic Schoolbus Gets Lost In Space
Total Eclipse Of Your Clothes

What’s a themed party without a themed outfit? If you want to impose a dress code, or are just really feeling the theme, here are some options:

  • black and white – simple, classic, and appropriate
  • polka dots work, too
  • of course, anything with a sun or moon on it would be apropos
  • but I think the best outfit for the day would be a full Miss Frizzle-style eclipse getup.
Total Eclipse Of These Snacks

Snacks are the best part of a theme party. Some suggestions:

  • Moon Pies
  • Black and white cookies, but in various stages of eclipse
  • Cheese (because the moon is made of it, clearly)
  • Sunflower seeds
  • Sunny D
  • Sun chips
  • Starfruit
  • Regular apples, but sliced in half so you can see the ‘star’ in the middle, which always wows the under-5 crowd the first time they see it
  • I really do feel like you could use sun, star, moon and circle-shaped cookie cutters on any number of foods! For real, this is probably the way I would go.
Total Eclipse Of The Bar

Eclipses can be day-drinking events if you want them to be. We recommend:

Just don’t get so crunk you forget you can’t stare at the sun and burn your retinas.

Total Eclipse Of Some Games

I absolutely love when people get excited about astronomical phenomena, whether it’s a meteor shower, solar or lunar eclipse, unusual visible planets or the northern lights. I was raised by a science teacher and we made a BIG DEAL out of this stuff when I was a kid. For instance, one time before I could read a ticker came across the bottom of the TV screen telling viewers that the northern lights were visible. The rest of my family bounded from their seats because they knew we’d all load into the minivan to try to see it – except for little illiterate me, watching TGIF and wondering what the big deal was.

All that is to say that I think this solar eclipse is a fine time to celebrate the wonders of our solar system – and what better way to do it than with games? Here are a few:

Name That Constellation!

Similar to our map-labeling games in our American and Canadian themed parties, this one is either a chance to show of your knowledge or a chance to get a little funny. Have individual printouts of constellations, or a large map of them on the wall. Let guests label them with their names. It’s fun to get it right, but it’s also fun to make up your own constellation names based on what they look like – which, after all, is what happened many years ago, anyway. The big dipper part of ursa major? Yeah, that’s a Deep Fry Basket.

Solar System Mnemonic Mad Libs

I’m so old that when I was a kid, my very excellent mother just served us nine pizzas. The kids in my life tell me that now, she serves nachos. Sorry, Pluto.

If you learned the order of the planets through mnemonic devices, this all probably sounds familiar to you. If not, forgive me.

You can create wacky solar system mnemonics -and reinforce your childhood space knowledge – with a mnemonic madlib. For instance:

  • My
  • [Adjective starting with V]
  • [Adjective Starting with E]
  • [Noun Starting With M]
  • Just
  • [Past Tense Verb Starting With S]
  • Us
  • [Adjective Starting With N]
  • [Noun Starting With P] [“Dwarf planet” means nothing to me, sorry not sorry.]

Mad Libs are always funnier if the person who is providing the words doesn’t know what you’re creating.

Pin The Moon Over The Sun

It’s like pin the tail on the donkey, but it’s eclipse-themed, and it’s probably better after a few Tequila Sunrises.

Planetary Twister

You can create this board pretty easily with a plastic table cloth. Draw all of the planets in several rows or a small circle. You will be using this as your twister board, so you have to set it up so that it’s plausible that a person could reach from one to the other. You could even do an entire row across of Mercury, an entire row of Venus, an entire row of Earth, etc.

For extra nerd points, don’t label the planets. If you don’t know Saturn from Jupiter, you’re out.

Total Eclipse Of U.S.

Hop over to our America-themed party post, because the total eclipse will only be visible in the United States. Also this is a great way to use up all of your miniature American flags from the Fourth of July.

Total Eclipse Of These Songs

I feel like since the sun and moon are both involved in this one, songs having to do with either of them are fine. Some of the more eclipse-y are:

  • Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler
  • Steal My Sunshine by LEN
  • Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers
  • I’ll Follow The Sun by The Beatles
  • Walkin’ On The Sun by Smashmouth
  • Here Comes The Sun by The Beatles (can never have too much Beatles, OK?)
  • Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me by Elton John
  • Black Hole Sun by Soundgarden
  • Bad Moon Rising by Credence Clearwater Revival
  • Dancing In The Moonlight by King Harvest
Total Eclipse Of The Sun

The main thing about your eclipse party is, of course, the eclipse! Just don’t go outside and stare right at the sun, which will burn your retinas. Instead, stock up on verified eclipse sunglasses – your nearest library or science museum may be your best bet, but Amazon is good too (just make sure you get verified glasses).

There are suggestions all over the web for how to view the eclipse, so we won’t get into it. Just know that options include a contraption with a shoebox, tin foil and paper, a simpler cardboard thingy, looking at shadows, or the internet:

 

  • NASA will livestream the event on their website.
  • You can also see the eclipse at the Exploratorium in San Francisco or on their website.
  • All major networks will be covering the event

Here is some help in finding the best time to view the eclipse near you. Non-U.S. folks, don’t despair! First of all, we have cornered the market on despair for now. Second, a partial eclipse is visible in other parts of North America as well.

 

One Trick Ponytails (And Other Bad But Punny Business Ideas)

Posted in Miscellany by

The world is full of bad ideas. About 10% of those are bad business ideas. And about 99% of THOSE originated from terrible puns. Here are just some of the terrible – but punny – business ideas I’ve thought of lately:

One Trick Ponytails

Salon that just does ponytails but they’re really good at it.

Lickety Splits

Banana splits in a cone.

RoTots

Toddler robots. Disobedient and really stubborn. Leave fingerprints everywhere. Hands always a bit moist.

HogsMediation

Couples therapy for couples who think they are from different Hogwarts houses – can a Slytherin-Hufflepuff marriage survive?

¡Pasta Ya!

All-you-can-eat pasta. It comes out of dispensers, like soft-serve ice cream. Pasta pasta pasta. Sauce everywhere. It comes in dispensers too. Like ketchup does. But it’s sauce.

Puppy Tents

It’s a pup tent, but for dogs. Like a dog house, but one that your dog will immediately knock over.

Baby Baby Boomers

A baby clothing boutique where all of the clothes make the babies look like tiny 60-year-olds. If you’re hipster enough to name your baby Barbara or Linda or Ron, you’re hipster enough to shop here.

Li-Beary

A library, but where a child can check out teddy bears. Everyone will surely get bed bugs.

Or: a library, but where an adult can check out actual bears. Insect infestations are really the least of your worries.

Dime A Dozen

This is a cheap but very specific sort of dime store, where they only sell things that you can get a dozen for for a dime. It’s mostly bulk bins full of things like individual Skittles, dried spaghetti, and dog kibble, for instance. You’re going to hate painstakingly counting out everything in denominations of 12, but not as much as your cashier will!

A Picture Is Worth 1000 Words

It’s like a photo studio, but instead a “word-artist” will write a 1000-word essay about the impression they get from your family. You ever wondered how someone would describe you in a magazine celebrity profile – those kinds where they make much ado about what an actress orders for lunch? Now you don’t have to, I guess.

Prime Time Flies

Imagine a public living-room type set up where you can watch TV with strangers, sort of like your college dorm’s common room that nobody used. Okay, but instead of playing regular TV, it plays the exact prime-time lineup of whatever day it is… but from times past. Including commercials. Will you get a classic ’90s TGIF night, or a classic ’90s SNICK night, or a classic ’90s Must See TV night? Sure, it COULD be from any era, but they know what people like.

 

 

 

 

Related articles

Harry Potter Protest Signs: Dumbledore’s Army In The Resistance

Posted in Entertainment, Miscellany by

Happy Birthday, Harry Potter! Our favorite boy wizard turns 37 today – and the series turns 20 this year – meaning that today’s younger adults grew up alongside Harry and his Hogwarts pals. The messages of Harry Potter have come to define a generation: courage, kindness, acceptance, defending the disenfranchised even if you are not, and standing up to an authoritarian regime. Or rather, those values have come to define the part of the generation that was receptive to the message:

A Potter refresher: Harry Potter was an orphan neglected by his aunt and uncle. He learned that he was a wizard and became a student at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Meanwhile Lord Voldemort, the would-be ruler of the wizarding realm, struggled to return to prominence after falling when he killed Harry’s parents and was unable to bring Harry down.  Voldemort’s followers, the Death Eaters, decried “impure” wizards (those who are born to all- or part- nonmagical families) and used propaganda and hack journalism to spread their message, controlling the presses and what children learn in school. Harry and his comrades formed a resistance movement to defeat Voldemort’s rise, and ultimately succeeded at great personal sacrifice.

In the muggle realm, another resistance movement has grown to counter autocracy, racism, transphobia, anti-intellectualism, and other ills I could not have anticipated when I cracked open my Scholastic copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in 1997. Throughout this struggle, something fantastic has happened- a vindication for those who believe that fiction (perhaps children’s fiction above all) can shape a person’s values. The generation that grew up with Harry Potter has adopted the words and lessons of the series as a lingua franca for the ideals many of us hold.

In honor of this, the 37th birthday of Harry Potter (or the 52nd birthday of J.K. Rowling, or the 26th anniversary of Harry getting his Hogwarts letter) we present some of our favorite Harry Potter-related messages from the modern resistance movement:

From the Women’s March: Without Hermione, Harry would’ve died in Book 1. TRUE.

My favorite pop culture references are always the deep cuts: Any HP fan will know that Neville Longbottom proved himself to be a true hero … and he rocked a distinctive cardigan while doing it.

Dumbledore, champion of the underdog, would be unhappy with all of this.

While Potter fans (rightfully) have a lot of opinions about Dumbledore’s sexuality never being mentioned in the book, the fact is that J.K. Rowling has confirmed that he is gay and a policy that hurts wise, gentle Dumbledore hurts all of human- (and wizard-) kind.

This was actually back in ’08, but now I want Harry Potter cannon with married, gay wizard and witch couples. Hogwarts students with 2 moms or 2 dads. A DUMBLEDORE WEDDING THAT MCGONAGALL OFFICIATES, OK.

If you read HP thinking you’d definitely join the DA instead of hiding in the Slytherin basement (#NotAllSlytherins), now’s the time.

Context: this is from a 2010 student protest in the UK re: a rise in tuition fees.

When readers can reach different conclusions from the same series

https://www.tumblr.com/occupygringotts/12850598218/an-image-from-the-occupy-london-protests

From the Occupy London protests.

Honestly a bit emotional that kids today are growing up reading Harry Potter and applying it to their real-life situations. Plus those drawings are precious.

womens march banner 9

Are… are we sure this isn’t Hermione?

Straight from the wizard’s mouth: “We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.”

HA.

Even Voldemort didn’t defund St. Mungo’s. Well, she has a point.

The one that just has Voldemort with an X through it

This one’s for you, Gaddafi.

Your hero and mine, Molly Weasley.

Trump’s Horcruxes! I’ve been convinced his Twitter account is somehow one as well.

And since HP actors truly grew up with the series, here’s Emma Watson at the Women’s March in 2017

Related articles

Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary Is Pure In Heart

Posted in Miscellany by

Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary is the purest-in-heart of all of our pure-in-heart favorites. The Tennessee sanctuary provides a safe, happy, playful home for a delightful group of dogs who, due to their age, would not otherwise be adoptable. Are you smiling through tears yet? Just wait til we take a look at their Facebook page.

Here’s the thing about having a dog: even if you have a puppy today, you’re going to have an old dog sooner than you’re ready. My dog’s aging, like my own, sneaked up on me. One day I was a 23-year-old law student bounding home from the shelter with a 5-year-old English Setter, and for the next 5 years she had all the energy of a puppy. My old girl turns 12 next month – me? raising a 12-year-old?   – and in the past few years she has retained her zest for life and youthful good looks, but gained a slate of costly and worrisome medical problems. Despite my pup’s certified status as a Very Good Girl (look it up, I’m sure it’s filed somewhere), if something happened and she landed at a shelter again tomorrow, I can’t be sure anybody would have the joy and privilege of taking her home. OFSDS provides a home for all the fantastic dogs who might not find their forever family, but deserve a full and happy life just the same.

There are a few tenets I think we can agree on: Dogs are good. Old dogs are very, very good. And people who take care of old dogs without a home are extraordinarily good. That’s why, if you ever find yourself doubting the presence of good in the world, I suggest you take a peek at the Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary Facebook page.

I know, I know. If you aren’t already familiar with OFSDS, you might think it’s an online version of the part of the movie where the beloved dog starts to get sick and you have to turn off your TV (ahem, Marley and Me. And every other dog movie. You know what you did.). But it’s not! These dogs may be senior, but the page is full of these sweet doggos playing, getting into mischief, being doofy, and sneaking some cuddles. It’s about as life-affirming as it gets. Watching these canine senior citizens play is just as cute, if not cuter, than puppy videos – these are pups who have had YEARS of experience of being Very Good Boys and Girls!

Just look at some of the sweetness these cuties get up to:

Though not as renowned for this skill as cats, many dogs choose to fit into places that are too small for them then stand there looking derpy:

Napping dogs: cute. Two napping dogs: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, STOP IT.

I love the dog leading the charge as much as I love the one taking a snooze break right in the middle of everything:

The only sad thing about Mack’s blindness is sometimes I wonder if he has any idea how cute he is?

I want to be in this hallway of dogs. Dogway? Anyway.

First thing you see when you walk into heaven:

Good news! If you love Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary as much as I do, you can send them a donation on Facebook to thank them for all the soothing, cheerful dog pictures that we’re definitely not looking at during work hours. And if you live near Mt. Juliet, TN, you can even foster one of their darling doggos! If not, maybe someday you’ll be in the position to adopt an older pup of your own. I can promise you, owning an older dog is a brief joy – like a sunset or an ice cream cone- but the very purest in heart.

Related articles

Hot Takes: Anthony Scaramucci Be Lookin’ Like…

Posted in Miscellany by

Well. Sean Spicer managed to last a whole six months before callin’ quits  on the Press Secretary gig. And was it the constant lying he had to do in front of reporters that was the straw that broke the gum-chewing camel’s back? No. It was (allegedly) the hiring of New York businessman Anthony Scaramucci that caused Spicey to step down.

What is it about Scaramucci that Spicer doesn’t like? This is what we know about him:

  • Has degrees from both Tufts & Harvard Law School
  • Worked at Goldman Sachs (alert alert) as the VP of private wealth management
  • Also worked at Lehman Brothers (alert alert alert)
  • Started his own hedge fund investment firm, SkyBridge Capital in 2015
  • Sold his stake in the company to a Chinese billionaire in January (questionable) in order to get a job at the WH
  • Served on Trump’s transition team & was a surrogate on various TV appearances (like the time he compared Jared Kushner to Alexander Hamilton)
  • He’s super into being fully transparent
  • He loves quotes

But of course, as soon as it was announced that Scaramucci was named communications director, Twitter didn’t necessarily look up all his qualifications at first – they saw the guy on TV and gave some hot takes on the new guy. Of course we don’t condone judging anyone solely by their appearances, but when it comes to this administration, all bets are off. Here are some of our favorite hot takes on Scaramouche, Scaramouche (will he do the Fandango?).

My favorite of them all:

*There’s more to this. It’s great*

https://twitter.com/Manglewood/status/888459440273444866

https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/888494097232568321

https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/888451350211833857

https://twitter.com/brockwilbur/status/888489782497562624

https://twitter.com/intelwire/status/888477629774516224

https://twitter.com/morgan_murphy/status/889336723112513536

Related articles

Checking In On The Obamas Six Months After The Goodbye

Posted in Miscellany by

It’s been six very long months since we watched Our President wave goodbye and fly off into the sky on Marine One one last time.

http://tumbleweeds-and-thunder.tumblr.com/post/156147389048

Since then… well, you know what’s happened since then. I’m not going to focus on that. Instead, I’m going to highlight the things Barack, Michelle, Malia and Sasha have been up to since moving out of the White House and into a regular (yet still bougie) house as private citizens. For a few minutes, let’s just forget what’s happening at 1600 Penn and pretend this family is still First.

January

To The Desert

Immediately after the inauguration, Barack and Michelle travelled to Palm Springs, California, the first stop on their world tour.

Despite the fact they were delayed by rain, B & M enjoyed some R & R at the homes of the ambassador to Spain and Angora, James Costos,  and Michael S. Smith, who was their WH interior designer.

Like a Virgin

Soon after, the Obamas headed to the British Virgin Islands to stay at Sir Richard Branson’s private resort. Judging by the way they dressed, it was clear they were enjoying the time off.

February

And then came the now iconic photos of Barry living his BEST LIFE kitesurfing with a billionaire.

Perhaps the only time I’ll say this, but WHO’S GOT TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW???? Barry O, that’s who. Like any good friend, Richard blogged about their day out on the waves, and even included a video of their kitesurfing challenge for good measure.

#CoupleGoals

Serious couple goals. Always and forever.

Malia in Manhattan

Meanwhile, Malia’s off on her gap year before heading off to Harvard, and she’s been busy being photographed walking into her internship at big shot Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein’s film company. The 18 year old reportedly landed a gig in the development department, reading and pitching scripts to be made into potential movies. She started at the beginning of February, and just a few weeks in, proud dad Barack went to visit her for some dad/daughter time. They were spotted having dinner, and hanging out with Danny DeVito backstage at his Broadway show. Hand holding included.

March

When you gotta look fly just to go to the National Art Gallery.

Michelle, still acting more First Lady than the current one, surprised young ladies at Francis L. Cardozo Education Campus in honor of International Women’s Day. The school has an international program for recent immigrants, and she spoke with a group of girls on the importance of education.

Barack and Michelle were quite the jetsetters in March – after DC, they went back to NYC to visit Malia again (and also dine with Bono and get a standing ovation on the way out), stopped in California again to meet with some tech bosses, and then back home to Hawaii to visit family and hit the links, and get his fave shaved ice (I’m assuming).

By the end of the month, Barack was reportedly in the small French Polynesian island of Tetiaroa (once owned by Marlon Brando), where rumor has it he spent time writing their memoirs. Oh, BTW, in February, Barack and Michelle inked a reported $65 MILLION deal for separate books with Crown Publishing.

And because B continues to be more presidential than say, other presidents out there, he tweeted this out the day of the (first) terror attacks in London:

April

Michelle joined her boo and continued their tour of French Polynesia, as they were spotted in the island of Moorea paddleboarding (#LetsMove) and swimming, and snorkeling. But the best part? They weren’t alone. They lived that yacht life with a few nobodies – Tom Hanks, Bruce Springsteen and Oprah. !!!! It was on that boat that Barry proved he was the ultimate Instagram Husband (we’ll just pretend he’s not taking the pix with an iPad – or maybe we won’t)

Apparently the ultimate squad island hopped, visiting Vanilla Island, Le Taha’a Island and Bora Bora. BUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THIS VACATION?! ARE THEY PLANNING ON FORMING A NEW COUNTRY? BUYING A BUNCH OF THE FRENCH POLYNESIAN ISLANDS? WE NEED TO KNOW JIC AMERICA BURNS TO THE GROUND.

Oprah will never tell. “I can’t talk about it, I can’t talk about it!” Thanks for nothing, O.

So, Uh, What’s Been Going On While I’ve Been Gone?

The Obamas headed back to the States and home to Chicago, where Barry made his first public appearance since that gloomy day in January. Naturally, the event was a discussion with students about civic engagement and leadership at the University of Chicago, where he taught constitutional law. You remember the Constitution, right?

May

Barack shipped up to Boston, where he was awarded the 2017 John F. Kennedy Profile in Courage Award, where he was reunited with some familiar faces – Sen. Elizabeth Warren, former Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, former Secretary of State John Kerry, and of course, “the best vice president the country has ever known, Mr. Joe Biden.”

During his speech, B reflected on JFK and the basis of the award, urging members of Congress to exhibit similar bravery in the current battle over health care. Tell ’em Barry.

Oh also, he said this of Mich: “I also want to thank Michelle Obama for after the presidency sticking with me because I think she felt an obligation to the country to stay on. But once her official duties were over, it wasn’t clear. I love my wife. And I’m grateful for her. And I do believe that it was America’s great good fortune to have her as first lady.” SWOON.

Speaking of Michelle, there was a report that the Trump administration was going to immediately halt her Let Girls Learn initiative, and while the WH denied the allegations, Michelle still threw the best shade on Inta.

Obama Presidential Center and Library, you say?

Barack then made his way over to Europe, where he was probably sweeping up all the debris Trump left in his wake and giving handshakes that are normal. During his time there, Barack visited friends in Scotland, London (hello Prince Harry), and Germany, where he noted, “In this new world we live in, we can’t isolate ourselves. We can’t hide behind a wall.”

And because he can now, Barack and Michelle also went to Tuscany, where he proudly sported a dress shirt sans tie, while Mich continued to slay with an off the shoulder number. Ironically, Trump was on his first European trip during this time, so I can’t help but image the Obamas sitting in their luxurious villa and clinking their glasses of red wine while giving each other a knowing look.

June

Back in the U.S. DT announced plans to pull out of the Paris Agreement, which Barack and his administration worked hard to put in place. Barry was NOT happy about it [See his statement here].

THE BROMANCE WAS ALIVE

If you’re wondering where Sasha has been, she’s been at school in DC, and since she’s only going to be a junior in September, Barack and Michelle decided to stay in the ‘hood at least until she graduates. Since January, the Obamas were renting out an 8,200-square-foot home in the Kalorama neighborhood,  which is basically where the rich people live. In June, they decided to make the home permanent and purchased the house for a sensible $8.1 million.

But also, she’s been busy throwing a LIT AF Sweet Sixteen birthday party.

Kids grow up so fast. Also, we were reminded that Sasha’s full name is Natasha. So that’s a thing that blew up Twitter.

Reminder that Barack and Michelle are actually friends with Jay Z and Beyonce. Here’s Barack sending a video message congratulating Jay on his induction to the Songwriters Hall of Fame – a ceremony he didn’t even attend. Come to find out, Rumi and Sir Carter blessed us with their presence just three days before.

And then he had to released ANOTHER statement on health care and the shitshow that is the ACHA.

With Sasha out of school for the summer, it was time for a family trip, and the Obamas headed to Indonesia, where where Barack lived as a kid since his beloved mom did anthropological research there. They went whitewater rafting, and visited the Tirtha Empul temple in Bali wearing matching sarongs.

July

Barack also gave a speech in front of thousands of people at the Fourth Congress of Indonesian Diaspora in Jakarta, and in addition to speaking Indonesian, he totally shaded DT yet again, not exactly calling him out on the Muslim travel ban, but basically doing it.

Then Michelle stopped in Los Angeles for a surprise appearance at the ESPYs.

While Barack was busy meeting babies in Alaskan airports

Yesterday, it was revealed that Sen. John McCain (and Barack’s former 2008 opponent) was diagnosed with brain cancer. Instead of wishing any ill will, he showed all class and subtle shade at the same time:

We miss you Obamas. It’s been six months but it feels like six decades.

Related articles

Way Too Timely Quotes From Alexander Hamilton on His 213th Death Anniversary

Posted in Miscellany by

Legacy? What is legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. Or for some folks, it’s a transparent series of fuck-ups involving collusion, sexual assault, misogyny, racism, and lies that will live on forever in the Fake News. But hey, to each his own, right?

213 years ago today, Alexander Hamilton died after his duel with Aaron Burr. Five years ago, this post would’ve been moo (it’s like a cow’s opinion). But 2017’s hottest founding father is relevant to our interests again, which is why I’m writing this at all. But what’s even more interesting is that the trials, tribulations, and non-stop essays (including all the other 51) Ham & Co. went through all those years ago, is perhaps annoyingly prescient now, thanks to the state of our Union. So, to honor (I guess?) A. Ham and the legacy seeds he left behind, here are a few quotes from the decorated war vet that remind us that even two centuries later, passionate essays written on parchment aren’t exclusive to topics relating to separating from a harmful demagogue.

From Objections and Answers Respecting the Administration , August 1792. A letter in which Ham calls out the nasty folks who alleged that he was working to reinstitute a monarchy in the States.

“The truth unquestionably is, that the only path to a subversion of the republican system of the Country is, by flattering the prejudices of the people, and exciting their jealousies and apprehensions, to throw affairs into confusion, and bring on civil commotion. Tired at length of anarchy, or want of government, they may take shelter in the arms of monarchy for repose and security.

Those then, who resist a confirmation of public order, are the true Artificers of monarchy—not that this is the intention of the generality of them. Yet it would not be difficult to lay the finger upon some of their party who may justly be suspected. When a man unprincipled in private life desperate in his fortune, bold in his temper, possessed of considerable talents, having the advantage of military habits—despotic in his ordinary demeanour—known to have scoffed in private at the principles of liberty—when such a man is seen to mount the hobby horse of popularity—to join in the cry of danger to liberty—to take every opportunity of embarrassing the General Government & bringing it under suspicion—to flatter and fall in with all the non sense of the zealots of the day—It may justly be suspected that his object is to throw things into confusion that he may “ride the storm and direct the whirlwind.“

A letter from A. Ham to Theodore Sedgwick, Massachusetts Senator & Continental Congress delegate, re: the Election of 1800 between Adams and Jefferson (who we know Ham did not like much)

“For my individual part my mind is made up. I will never more be responsible for him [Adams] by my direct support—even though the consequence should be the election of Jefferson. If we must have an enemy at the head of the Government, let it be one whom we can oppose & for whom we are not responsible, who will not involve our party in the disgrace of his foolish and bad measures. Under Adams as under Jefferson the government will sink. The party in the hands of whose chief it shall sink will sink with it and the advantage will all be on the side of his adversaries.”

Federalist Paper No. 1: 

“… of those men who have overturned the liberties of republics, the greatest number have begun their career by paying an obsequious court to the people; commencing demagogues, and ending tyrants.”

Elliot’s Debates

“Unless your government is respectable, foreigners will invade your rights; and to maintain tranquillity you must be respectable; even to observe neutrality you must have a strong government.”

(He was chosen to be part of the) Constitutional Convention, 1787:

“All communities divide themselves into the few and the many. The first are the rich and well-born, the other the mass of the people. The voice of the people has been said to be the voice of God; and, however generally this maxim has been quoted and believed, it is not true in fact. The people are turbulent and changing; they seldom judge or determine right. Give, therefore, to the first class a distinct, permanent share in the government. They will check the unsteadiness of the second, and, as they cannot receive any advantage by a change, they therefore will ever maintain good government. Can a democratic Assembly, who annually revolve in the mass of the people, be supposed steadily to pursue the public good? Nothing but a permanent body can check the imprudence of democracy. Their turbulent and uncontrolling disposition requires checks.“

From the New York Ratifying Convention, 1788

“As riches increase and accumulate in few hands . . . the tendency of things will be to depart from the republican standard.”

Federalist Paper No. 10:

“Men of factious tempers, of local prejudices, or of sinister designs may, by intrigue, by corruption, or by other means, first obtain the suffrages, and then betray the interests, of the people.”

Federalist Paper No. 25:

“It is a truth which the experience of all ages has attested, that the people are always most in danger when the means of injuring their rights are in the possession of those of whom they entertain the least suspicion.”

Federalist Paper No. 70

“Men often oppose a thing merely because they have had no agency in planning it, or because it may have been planned by those whom they dislike.”

 

Summer Memes Make Me Feel Fine: Nothing But Respect For MY President

Posted in Miscellany by

I hope you had a fun 4th of July!

Or, barring that, a weird-feeling 4th of July where you simultaneously love your country and are proud of it, but also hate things your country has done and are ashamed of some of its darker chapters!

We’re swinging into full summer with a meme as all-American as bald eagles and apple pie – and it all started with a young lady passive-aggressively cleaning D.T.’s star on the Walk of Fame:

Am I mad at it? Of course not! Passive-aggressive cleaning is a time-honored mom tactic and it is a form of protest we should all be using: “Yeah, Makenna-spelled-not-like-the-surname? Well I cleaned up litter outside of the Civil Rights Museum! Next week I’ll be tidying the FDR Library. Take THAT!” We have made our political inclinations abundantly clear, but I don’t begrudge a gal her Magic Eraser. In fact, I’d love if cleaning-as-protest became A Thing. What can I say, I like it when things are tidy.

The thing is, treating a Walk of Fame Star with all the veneration of a tombstone is harmless yet very very silly. The internet loves silliness, and that’s when the real fun began. On this July 4th, a day when we celebrated the 19th anniversary of Malia Obama’s birth, our country was united as one:

It’s really the combination of VEEP reference and Seinfeld reference that makes this one shine for me.

Again, layers: Captain America is KIND OF like a president, and it’s not even a walk of fame star, it’s just his shield.

https://twitter.com/HoeDameron/status/882126421543366660

There are a lot of ways to show respect.

As we’ve said, the big thing about July 4 is it marks another 365 days that the earth has been graced with the divine presence of one Ms. Malia Ann Obama.

It’s not there yet, but we’ll clean it when it is.

Fun fact, having a star on the Walk of Fame doesn’t mean that you’re human.

When Memes Collide: Nothing But Respect For MY President meets Mocking Spongebob.

There were honestly more Shrek contributions than you would think but these sisters (?) were the cutest.

Excuse me but Britney Jean Spears has contributed more good to this nation than certain presidents ever will.

https://twitter.com/jake__stubbs/status/881217276539621376

Queen Meryl, President Meryl, whatever.

Can’t mention Meryl without talking about the great Viola, too.

https://twitter.com/_alondraramirez/status/880962272998326273

A little off topic, but yep, Makenna was actually raised exactly as terribly as you’d think. Okay, back to the memes!

 

https://twitter.com/Jon_Wienke/status/881592893814718464

My favorite, probably.

No, this. This is my favorite. Show some respect. That is Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello’s HOME.

 

Related articles

Things I’m Willing To Believe About The New Ken Dolls

Posted in Miscellany by

Barbie’s boyfriend Ken is getting a makeover. Mattel’s classic dolls, which all look completely different but are all somehow still Ken, now represent a range of heights, skin tones, fashion mistakes and hairstyles — most notably, a man bun. [Sidebar: A few weeks ago I saw a child wearing a man bun at my suburban nephew’s fourth grade band concert. I surmised that this meant the trend had descended into, to quote Lin-Manuel Miranda, the pits of fashion; Ken’s new ‘do confirms it.] In this edition of Things I’m Willing to Believe About – where we provide baseless conjecture about heartthrobs, politicians, and apparently toys – we’re going to look at Barbie’s toy boy-toy, New Ken.

 

According to their Twitter bios, six of the Kens’ actual job is “influencer.”

These Kens were all in the same frat, and they really are all named Ken. And they all go by Kenny.

The Ken on the far left is actually a rejected Rachel Maddow Barbie prototype.

Actually, Maddow, the one with the black skinny tie, the one with the opaque sunglasses and Malibu 01 are all from a failed line of Lesbian Hipster Barbies. Optional add-ons included a rescue pit bull, a Subaru and hummus.

The Kens have a boys’ cottage weekend every summer and planning the rental is always DRAMA.

Man Bun Ken in the blue shirt got his hair cut before Man Bun Ken in the cactus shirt. He says it’s cool but it’s, you know, not.

When you tell Blue Checkered Ken you’re a fan of the Mets, he says “okay, name their best infield lineup.”

Pink California Shirt Ken tells you how to use the machine you’re already using at the gym.

Polka Dot Ken got his blouse at Zara and he insists on pronouncing it with a Spanish ‘z.’

It’s not even that Tropical Pineapple Shirt Ken likes Coachella so much, it’s that he says shit like “taking my soul up to Coachella for the weekend.”

Yellow Plaid Maddow Ken wrote a blog post about why the praise for Wonder Woman was overblown and unwarranted. Wrote a follow-up post on the women’s only screening. Wrote a follow-follow-up post after he actually saw the movie. Charitably confided that he’s “still do Robin Wright.”

Red Plaid Ken is your friend’s boyfriend who will help you change your tire or put in your air-conditioners, but he’s not hitting on you or anything, that’s just how his mom raised him.

Bernie Sanders.

Opaque Sunglasses Ken’s favorite rapper is Macklemore.

9 out of 11 Kens prefer vinyl. 4 out of 11 Kens actually own a record player. 3 out of 11 will make you come over and listen to a new record on a second date.

You made out with blue-shirted Man Bun Ken at church camp when he had a floppy skater haircut, and he acts like he doesn’t remember you when you run into him at a bar but you know he does.

That reminds me. In ninth grade all of The Kens had floppy skater haircuts.

When you get your hair cut and leave with a fresh blow-out, The Kens will be sure to tell you that it looks so much prettier naturally curly.

The Kens’ favorite book is Catcher In The Rye.

Cactus Ken wrote his senior thesis on Ginsberg’s Howl.

The Kens are surface-friendly, but they go hard on anybody who deigns to wear cargo shorts.

Malibu 01 Ken is on an office kickball team that he takes rather seriously.

A few of The Kens have girlfriends, all of whom refer to themselves as a “girl boss” and frequently post about how they “hustle;” the girlfriends have coffee mugs emblazoned with some kind of slogan about working hard.

When A Ken proposes marriage, he will do it on a mountaintop and Instagram it.

A handful of The Kens have instagrammed Airstreams but no Ken actually owns an Airstream.

It’s funny, Cactus Ken actually does have a lot of succulents.

If you want to meet The Kens, they will be at your nearest Farmers’ Market this Saturday, early but not early-early.

Related articles

How To Throw A Canada-Themed Party

Posted in Miscellany by

Happy 150th Birthday, Canada! The true, north, strong and free marks a century and a half this week with #Canada150, and it’s not just Canada that’s celebrating. The whole world – and especially the rest of North America – owes Canada a debt of gratitude for its strong yet kind example: Canada cares for its citizens, welcomes refugees, expands human rights and learns from its mistakes. Although I’m an American, I’ve always been proud of my Canadian ancestry (my grandmother’s family was in Quebec since the 1500s) and have been grateful to live near the border of such a fantastic neighbo(u)r. If you love Canada too, maybe you’d like to celebrate Canada on its sesquicentennial anniversary  … or get a jump start on your Canada Day planning. Like our American-Themed Party, these ideas aren’t intended to replicate a “typical” Canadian party. Instead, they’re some fun ways to boost Canadian pride, celebrate a beautiful country, and maybe even learn a bit of trivia.

Games

Polite Water Balloon Relay

This is basically a normal balloon relay. Each team forms two lines and players toss a water balloon back and forth to each other to reach the end of the line. If you break a water balloon, you have to start back at the beginning. The first team to send three water balloons successfully down the line wins.

Here’s the twist: each team member needs to say thank you before passing the balloon off. Each player must also say sorry if they drop the balloon AND if the person before or after them drops it, even if it’s not your fault. If a player forgets to say thank you or sorry, you have to start over (sorry).

Duck Duck Canada Goose

Here’s one for the kiddos. This is just like Duck Duck Goose, but when a player is chosen as “Canada Goose” it either goes apeshit or stands directly in the pathway of whoever is trying to catch them without moving. If you really wanted to be accurate, the Canada Goose would also drop improbably large poops absolutely everywhere, but let’s not. The Canada Goose is the one Canadian export I could do without.

Money Mix-Up!

To really recreate the life of the millions of Canadians who live near the U.S. border, bring a piggy bank of Canadian coins and mix them up in everyone’s wallet (riddle me this: if Canada got rid of pennies in 2013, why do I have SO MANY CANADIAN PENNIES in my wallet always?).

The real games happens after the party when you find out which machines will and won’t accept your currency.

Cottage Invite Blitz

Please correct me if I’m wrong – and maybe this is totally just my experience – but I feel like everyone I’ve met from Ontario has a cottage, has a friend with a cottage, or just generally loves cottages.  But what to do if you haven’t nailed down a summer cottage invite?

In Cottage Invite Blitz, half of the players have a card that says I Have A Cottage and half say I Need A Cottage. The card is on your forehead and there is no peeking to see what you got. By talking to each other, players have to pair up – one player who has a cottage with one who needs one. The tricky part is rather than explicitly telling another player that they have a cottage or need one, you have to sort of indirectly work out the invitation in a friendly and polite way. Is the other player being nice to you because you have a cottage, or are they being nice to you because they are Canadian?

Canadian Or Not Canadian

You can either make a set of flashcards or use photos on your phone. Players must guess whether the celebrity pictured is Canadian or Not Canadian. A lot of modern celebrities may prove challenging: Ryans Reynolds and Gosling, Keanu Reeves, Seth Rogan, Joshua Jackson, Michael Cera… it’s a very, VERY long list, but you can make the game tricky by including Americans who seem kind of Canadian.

Canadian Spelling/ Vocab Bee

Canadian spelling: not really British, not really American. Have a fun spelling bee with the following words:

grey, travelling, colour, honour, neighbour,  axe, lincence, moustache, eh, anything with a ‘z’ in it because you’re out if you say zee instead of zed.

Or, have players provide the definitions to the following words in a vocab bee:

toque, chesterfield, loonie, toonie, poutine, double-double, and eh again (because it can mean so many things!)

Fill In Map Of Canada

Inspired by our map game in the American-themed party, have guests fill in the names of the provinces and territories on a blank map of Canada.

I thought I had it on lock because there are only 13, but I swear nobody ever told me there was a thing just called Northwest Territories. Sorry, Northwest Territories. Sorry that I called you The North Place.

Can You Say That In French?

In this elimination game, you make conversation as normal – but you have to repeat everything you say in French. The last person standing wins.

Dans ce jeu d’élimination, vous parlez normalement – sauf que vous devez répéter tout en français. La dernière personne qui reste gagne.

[I CLEARLY would not be the last person remaining. My apologies to the French language for that.]

Winter Wear Bonanza

In this pairs relay, the first player must run to the station, put on a selection of winter outerwear (scarf, hat, gloves, coat, earmuffs, etc), then run back to their partner, change out of the winter clothes and have their partner put them on. The partner then runs to the station and back. First team to finish wins.

 

Entertainment

On The Screen

My first thought was to just play all of the Anne Of Green Gables movies – and while I liked the new series, you know I mean the Megan Follows ones. Then I realized I was remiss in excluding Canadian fav Degrassi, both the O.G. ’80s series and the reboot staring Drake.

It’s also never wrong to air a hockey game, particularly a Hockey Night In Canada broadcast.

Particularly if you don’t speak French, it could be fun to play a soap opera from Quebec and fill in the dialogue yourself, a la that classic scene from Friends with the telenovela.

You can’t beat Canadian comedy, and if that’s more your speed you can tune in to The Kids In The Hall, SCTV (the Catherine O’Hara era is my personal favorite), The Red Green Show or Trailer Park Boys.

Finally, for a bit of childhood nostalgia, try The Elephant Show or You Can’t Do That On Television.

(You could also watch nothing because that is what is available on Canadian Netflix, and Hulu blocks your IP address on half of everything.)

In The Speakers

Just play The Tragically Hip the whole time.

Okay, fine. If you’d like to expand further you still may want to stick with a mix of musicians who are typically associated with Canada – even though there are excellent Canadian musicians of every genre. This means Drake, Alanis Morrissette, Neil Young, Leonard Cohen, Celine Dion, the Barenaked Ladies, Justin Bieber, Bryan Adams, Gordon Lightfoot, Sarah McLachlan and Crash Test Dummies. Please include at least one play of Let’s Go To The Mall from How I Met Your Mother, as it is the only time the phrase “rock your body ’til Canada day” has appeared in music thus far.

Refreshments

Food
Maple Anything

Canadians don’t really eat wacky maple-flavored treats, but in keeping with the theme you can serve maple candy or some refreshing maple ice cream. You can even find maple mustard dip and maple jerky.

Ketchup Chips

It’s true: these are very hard, if not impossible to find in the U.S.A. If you live near Canada, swing up and grab a few bags for your bash. If you live IN Canada, can we get married so I can have health care? I’ll pay for the chips.

Poutine

Cheese. Gravy. Fries. Good.

Tim Hortons

Assuming you live someplace where there’s Tim Hortons, provide guests with an array of all the finest Timbits and a big box of hot coffee, with sugar and cream for the classic double-double. It’s probably not a Classic Canadian Icon but the iced cap is also legit.

Kraft Dinner

Yes, it’s the same as Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, but you have to call it Kraft Dinner.

Hickory Sticks

… I guess. Does anybody like these?

Nanaimo Bars, Beaver Tails and Butter Tarts

If you’re a good baker or can get to a Canadian bakery or cafe, these Canadian treats are must-haves, particularly if your guests haven’t had a chance to try them before.

Drinks
Canadian Beer

This might be a great time to try some delicious Canadian craft beer, but to keep your budget low and your party Canadian, maybe you should provide a standby like Molson or Labatt.

Canadian Mixed Drinks

I’ll defer to this MentalFloss piece, as well as my own memories of going across the border to drink as a 19-year-old. For liability reasons I should tell you that Canadian drinking ages only apply in Canada.

Screech is a real only-in-Canada rum, and of course I have to recommend anything using Canadian whisky.

I’m still never trying a Bloody Caesar, though. Blech.

Wine

If you run with more of a wine crowd, Niagara wines from Ontario are always a great bet. There are also some good selections from the Okanagan Valley in British Columbia. Try an ice wine if you haven’t already.

Other

I have no idea. Canada Dry and Canadian Club?

Canadian Style

Decor

It’s kind of a no-brainer, but a lot of Canadian flags and maple leaf insignia would be a good way to go. You can also include hockey posters and memorabilia or tack up pictures of Canadian wildlife (a moose and a beaver, at least).

In our American-Themed party post, we suggested hanging up pictures of great Americans and having guests name as many as they can. That would work well for great Canadians as well. You can include everyone from Justin Trudeau to Wayne Gretzky, Margaret Atwood to Lucy Maud Montgomery.

If you don’t play the Fill In The Map game, you could hang up a large, blank map of Canada (oh Canada…) and have guests fill in the names of the provinces and territories, major cities, places they’ve been, or just draw snowflakes and moose and those goddamn geese everywhere.

Fashion

Canadians just dress like regular humans, but you can have some fun here. Clothes in Canadian colors or with the Canadian flag on it would be great – Roots even has a Canada 150 line. You could also dress as an inoffensive Canadian stereotype, which is probably just a person with warm clothing.

If you really want to go for it, I’d have each guest dress as a Canadian, past or present. You can have everything from Anne of Green Gables to Robin Sparkles. Guests can be a hockey player or a Tim Hortons cashier if they want to go more generic. For an ’80s vibe, you could dress as a classic Degrassi character, and more modern TV fans can reuse their Orphan Black cosplay from Halloween. Deep cut references include the girl in the Steal My Sunshine video from the 90s or a group costume as Sharon, Lois and Bram.

If full costumes are too much to ask, name tags can add a bit of Canadian fun – everyone can pick a Canadian name like Jim Carrey, Megan Follows, Don Cherry, or Gordon. Any Gordon.