Hamilton Explained: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story

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It’s Hamilweek, and Hamilweek means another Hamilton Explained… but not just any Hamilton Explained. This time around, we’re taking a look at the show’s closing number. It’s our last chance to cry during our Hamilton listening sessions, and we take it every time. (Just kidding. We both carefully select which Act II numbers we’re capable of listening to based on our emotional fortitude at the given moment.) Grab some tissues and Visine, we’re taking it to the finale!

 

[WASHINGTON]

Let me tell you what I wish I’d known

When I was young and dreamed of glory

  • Taking it back to History Has its Eyes On You:

You have no control:

[WASHINGTON AND COMPANY]

Who lives

Who dies

Who tells your story?

  • Continuing the reference to History Has Its Eyes On You. Then it was foreshadowing, now it’s a callback. By this point the dead include Alexander, Phillip, Laurens, and others not specifically mentioned in the show (RIP and Peggy). The living: on one hand, Burr (who continued to refer to Hamilton in frenemy-type terms for the rest of his life) and on the other, Eliza.
  • Then, there’s the casting of Hamilton, which Lin-Manuel Miranda has explained in a number of interviews: the concept is that it is a story about America then, told by America now. Hamilton and the other founding fathers had choices in setting up the American political and monetary systems, but what happened next (what became of America next, who became America next) was out of their hands. Even living the best life, full of the most worthy deeds, is not a guarantee that you will be talked about in centuries’ time – and you have no control over who does the talking, either.

 

[BURR]

President Jefferson:

[JEFFERSON]

I’ll give him this: his financial system is a

Work of genius. I couldn’t undo it if I tried

And I tried

  • This, you already know from the rest of the play. Just call it one of the first great federalist vs states’ rights debates: should there be a national bank (Hamilton) or should money be left to the states’ control (Jefferson)? Will America be built on urban commerce (Hamilton) or an agrarian foundation (Jefferson – and yes, we know who’s really doing the planting)? Since you use the same $$ in all 50 states, you know what happened when Jefferson tried to oppose Hamilton’s financial system. Not to mention, Jefferson hoped for a French/parliamentary system of government, and feared that Hamilton wanted a more English government (constitutional monarchy).

[WASHINGTON AND COMPANY]

Who lives

Who dies

Who tells your story?

[BURR]

President Madison:

[MADISON]

He took our country from bankruptcy to prosperity

I hate to admit it, but he doesn’t get enough credit

For all the credit he gave us

 

  • The US fell into a financial slump after the Revolutionary War (contrast with our postwar economic booms in the 20th century: WWI followed by the prosperous 1920s; the economic success of the 1950s, the ostentatious 1980s (only a good time for the wealthy, granted) following Vietnam. Hamilton’s response was to consolidate state debts and subsume them into the national bank, preventing future catastrophes after war drained the nation’s coffers. He dealt “a new line of credit” via the National Bank – the credit he gave us. Today we see this in large scale – maybe larger than Hamilton would have liked? – in the Federal Reserve.

 

[WASHINGTON AND COMPANY]

Who lives

Who dies

Who tells your story?

[ANGELICA]

Every other founding father story gets told

Every other founding father gets to grow old

 

  • Before this musical and Chernow’s bio, your average American knew about the Aaron Burr duel, the $10 bill, and probably some slivers of recollection about the National Bank and Constitutional Convention from high school history class. The other founding fathers are celebrated in everything from monuments to children’s school pageants: George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, John Jay and James Madison. I didn’t even have to look them up – the only one non-legal-types sometimes forget is John Jay, who may be due for his own hit musical (Jay was our first Chief Justice and helped negotiate the Treaty of Paris, BTW).
  • The other Founding Fathers also lived a really long time – most of them were in their 80s when they died, except Hamilton and Washington (who still lived longer than Hamilton, at 67). Maybe it bears mention that most of those low average lifespans for past centuries were skewed by high infant – and to an extent, child – mortality. If you made it to your kid years, there was a good chance you were going to live a full life, not die at 35 or whatever. Hamilton’s death looked tragically young in the 19th century, too.
  • I remember reading – forgive me, I don’t remember where – that in the early 19th century the popular portraits of the founding fathers were of them in later life instead of during their younger years because America was such a young country that having older leaders gave an air of stability, permanency, and history to the fledgling nation.

 

[BURR]

But when you’re gone, who remembers your name?

Who keeps your flame?

  • In Burn, Eliza takes fire to Hamilton’s letters – incinerates them; destroys them. In Who Lives Who Dies Who Tells Your Story, Eliza keeps the fire of Alexander’s legacy alive – fans the flames, but this time it means something different.

 

[BURR AND MEN]

Who tells your story?
Who tells your story?

 [ANGELICA AND WOMEN]

Who tells your story?

Your story?

[WOMEN]

Eliza

[ELIZA]

I put myself back in the narrative

 

  • Full circle: let me be part of the narrative (That Would Be Enough); I’m myself from the narrative (Burn); I put myself back in the narrative.
  • In an interview (one of Phillipa Soo or LMM’s Theater People episodes maybe?? Correct me if you know), they discussed that the “narrative” theme didn’t emerge until they were writing one of the later songs – I want to say this one, but possibly Burn – then LMM retroactively worked it into That Would Be Enough.

 

[WOMEN]

Eliza

[ELIZA]

I stop wasting time on tears

I live another fifty years

It’s not enough

  • Eliza died in 1854, long enough to see interstate railroads, the admission of over 30 states, the California Gold Rush, and the growth of the abolitionist movement. She was 97, and much celebrated as the “last living link to the Revolutionary era” 

[COMPANY]

Eliza

[ELIZA]

I interview every soldier who fought by your side

  • Eliza was dedicated to preserving Alexander’s legacy by creating an honest biography of him – he was still a somewhat maligned character in those days. Her son John Church Hamilton edited her papers, publishing them after her death in 1861.

[MULLIGAN/LAFAYETTE/LAURENS]

She tells our story

[ELIZA]

I try to make sense of your thousands of pages of writings

You really do write like you’re running out of—

  • Also true – thousands of Hamilton’s papers survive to this day, and Eliza considered it her life’s work to document and organize them.

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]

Time

[ELIZA]

I rely on—

[ELIZA AND ANGELICA]

Angelica

  • Angelica lived abroad for much of the years that Hamilton took place (you can read her letters too). By the time Alexander dies, she is living much closer to Eliza – though still a trip in 19th century terms – in the Southern Tier of New York (in a town, Angelica, that is still named after her.  I used to go through it on the way to see my grandparents as a kid. You can still see her house.)

[ELIZA]

While she’s alive—

[ELIZA AND ANGELICA]

We tell your story

[ELIZA]

She is buried in Trinity Church

[ELIZA AND ANGELICA]

Near you

Here. 

 

[ELIZA]

When I needed her most, she was right on—

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]

Time

  • As I said above, from 1797 on, Angelica was in the United States.

[ELIZA]

And I’m still not through

I ask myself, “What would you do if you had more—”

 

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]

Time

  • Time is a theme throughout the play – wanting more of it, wanting to make the most of it, not knowing how much of it you have, not being able to speed it up or slow it down. Write like you’re running out of time, don’t throw away your shot, non-stop (unless you’re the other type, and you’re willing to wait for it).
  • 1804 or 2016, this is what you spend every day trying to answer when you love somebody and they die too soon. 

[ELIZA]

The Lord, in his kindness

He gives me what you always wanted

He gives me more—

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]

Time

 

[ELIZA]

I raise funds in D.C. for the Washington Monument

  • Just as Hamilton didn’t live to see the full effects of his financial plan, Eliza didn’t live to see the monument, which opened in 1888 (I refer to The World Was Wide Enough: What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see)

[WASHINGTON]

She tells my story

 

[ELIZA]

I speak out against slavery

  • Here, Washington takes a step back, ashamed: he was maybe our greatest founder, but he may have had it in his power to undo the greatest systemic evil of our country, and he did not.
  • Incidentally, this number was the last one to be staged, it became apparent that the most logical staging was to have the cast stand and surround Eliza.

You could have done so much more if you only had—

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]

Time

 

[ELIZA]

And when my time is up, have I done enough?

[ELIZA]

Will they tell our story?

[COMPANY]

Will they tell your story?

[ELIZA]

Oh. Can I show you what I’m proudest of?

[COMPANY]

The orphanage

  • In case you’re wondering, this is the point in the soundtrack where over 70% of listeners begin crying (fake statistic; feels likely).

[ELIZA]

I established the first private orphanage in New York City

  • “On March 15th, 1806, Elizabeth and a small group of women had gathered to form the Orphan Asylum Society to care for children who were orphaned from epidemics of cholera and yellow fever. Their mission was clear, “To help the afflicted and the needy others have forgotten; to provide them with the education and training they need to become productive, contributing members of society: to help them realize their capacity for happiness and success which belongs to all human beings.…” On May 1, 1806 they opened the doors of the Society’s first home, a rented two-story frame house on Raisin Street. Twelve orphans were admitted in the first six months and by the end of the year, 200 orphaned children had been admitted.”(http://39hwwr39mt3mqsp5fnf1q714zb.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Read-More…Elizabeth-Schuyler.pdf)
  • Children may be our most vulnerable population, but they also carried the fewest legal protections in the 17th, 18th, 19th and early 20th century – childhood as a concept didn’t really exist, and children were barely better than property. There were not consistent systems in place to care for and house orphaned and abandoned children, and those that existed were poorly regulated. The children’s rights movement didn’t take off in earnest until a few decades after Eliza’s death, when a woman named Etta Wheeler appealed to the ASPCA for help securing protection for a beaten foster child — there was a society to protect animals, but not children. All this to say that an orphanage aiming to educate children and release them into adult society – rather than just house them and work them – was relatively revolutionary and Eliza and her friends were ahead of their time.
  • I know this is a tangent, but it matters: you can read more about Etta Wheeler, and little Mary Ellen McCormack here. The fight for children’s rights and protection is an important chapter in American social history and jurisprudence, but it just isn’t taught.
  • By the way, Eliza did this less than two years after her husband’s death while raising 8 children alone.

[COMPANY]

The orphanage

[ELIZA]

I help to raise hundreds of children

I get to see them growing up

[COMPANY]

The orphanage

 

[ELIZA]

In their eyes I see you, Alexander

I see you every—

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]

Time

[ELIZA]

And when my time is up

Have I done enough?

Will they tell my story?

 [COMPANY]

Will they tell your story?

[ELIZA]

Oh, I can’t wait to see you again

It’s only a matter of—

[ELIZA AND COMPANY]

Time

[COMPANY]

Will they tell your story?
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story?
Will they tell your story?
Who lives, who dies—

 [COMPANY]

Time…

Time…
Time…

[FULL COMPANY]

Who tells your story?

See also: 

Hamilton Explained: The Schuyler Sisters

Hamilton Explained: Ten Duel Commandments

Hamilton Explained: Cabinet Battle #1 (As Kanye Rant Tweets)

Hamilton Explained: Appointing A Supreme Court Justice (using Hamilton lyrics to explain the process of nominating and confirming a new SCJ)

Hamilton Explained: Guns and Ships 

 

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Playlist of the Month: HamilCast Cover Songs

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Welcome to Day 2 of #Hamilweek! Today we’re incorporating out recurring Playlist of the Month feature with all things Hamilton, and what better way to feature the cast members than showing off their beautiful voices? And we’re not just talking about the leads. The bench on this show runs deep. Like, members of the ensemble have had their own leading roles like Elphaba in Wicked. These folks do not play. Here are just some examples of the cast’s wonderful talents, wrapped in glorious cover songs you probably already know.

Joy to the World by Various Cast Members

For nearly two decades, Broadway starts record classic holiday tunes for an album called Carols for a Cure, and the proceeds to towards Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. For the 2015 edition, Leslie Odom, Jr. led a new arrangement of Joy to the World, with additional lyrics from Oak Onaodowan. With the help of 11 other cast members, the squad makes an overplayed Christmas carol refreshing again and uplifts your spirit any time of the year.

Bet On It by Lin-Manuel Miranda

Back in the In The Heights days, Lin was as active on the YouTube as he is on Twitter today. Ok, maybe not that active, but still. He had enough time to make short movies like this one, which is technically not a cover song, but a parody of the High School Musical 2 classic Bet On It, as performed by Zac Efron. For context, Lin made this to promote the transfer of In The Heights from The Public to the Broadway – ironically to the Richard Rodgers Theater where Hamilton currently plays. The sound is evident Lin made this at home on his computer (much like his Hamilton demos), but the comparison to HSM is pretty spot on. Also he’s a huge dork. Also also once you finish watching this and finish freaking out over the surprise cameos, watch this.

Anything Goes by Jonathan Groff

Speaking of the oh so cute Jonathan Groff, it’s important you know he was, is, and always will be a Sutton Foster fangirl. So when he did the annual Miscast benefit (in which Broadway stars sing parts they’ll never get) he naturally chose a role Sutton was in at the time, Reno Sweeney in Anything Goes. The title song involves a lot of tap dancing on Reno’s part, and Groffsauce was up for the challenge. He continues to be the cutest.

Good For You by Leslie Odom, Jr. featuring Daveed Diggs

I’m like 95.3% sure I got pregnant after listening to this for the first time. I mean, it’s been months and I don’t have a baby keeping me up at night, so maybe not really. I’m just saying, as much as you try to prepare yourself for this, you’ll never be. PS: If you’re a Spring Awakening fan, also listen to Leslie’s cover of The Guilty Ones. That song might get you preggo too. Thanks, LOJ.

Higher Love/Rather Be/Human Nature by Jasmine Cephas Jones and Anthony Ramos

Talk about couple goals. Jasmine and Anthony are Hamilton’s true (offstage) love story, and while they don’t get to duet in the show, their voices are beautifully blended together in this mash-up by Hamilton associate conductor Kurt Crowley. Not to sound too stalkery – a thing all stalkers say – I would pay to watch these two just casually singing around the house. Can you imagine?

Ego/Too Close/Back That Thang Up by Phillipa Soo

If you haven’t heard of The Skivvies, this probably looks weird. If you have, probs not as weird. The Skivvies is made up of  Lauren Molina and Nick Cearley, who perform literal stripped down versions of hit songs and thrown in originals of their own. Here we have the beautifully bare Pippa Soo, killing a Bey song and in sparkly hot pants no less. What a dream.

Brave by Alysha Deslorieux

Ok, so remember how I said the bench is deep on this show? Say hello to Alysha. She is a standby for all the female leads/Schuyler sisters: Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy/Maria, so if any of them are out, she steps right on in. And it’s easy to see why. She’s a vocal powerhouse and able to evoke emotion through her tone, as seen in this cover of Sara Bareilles’ Brave. Now just imagine her singing Burn.

Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most by Sydney Harcourt

Moving right along, Sydney is an ensemble member who plays the Doctor, Philip Schuyler, James Reynolds, and he also understudies for Burr and Washington. Word on the street is that he’s killed it as Washington, even saving the day when Chris Jackson got some allergic reaction and had to pull out after Act I! Anyways, here is Sydney singing Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most by Ella Fitzgerald and it’s easy to see why he understudies for Mr. Silky Smooth Leslie Odom, Jr.

Ladies Who Lunch by Ariana DeBose

Ariana is also an ensemble member who’s lovingly nicknamed The Bullet, because *semi-spoiler alert* the duel between A.Ham and Burr involves a cast member acting as the actual Bullet used to kill Hamilton. I KNOW. And Ariana is just as fiery as her onstage counterpart (see what I did there?). First of all, if she looks familiar, it’s because she was a contestant on the underrated and underwatched sixth season of So You Think You Can Dance. She was also in Bring It On the Musical, which Lin also wrote, Motown the Musical and Pippin. I never knew she had a voice/could act until I saw her in Bring It On, and with a cover of Sondheim’s tricky Ladies Who Lunch from Company, it’s clear why she’s on Broadway so often.

Never Can Say Goodbye by Austin Smith

Like Sydney, Austin is also an ensemble member who covers tracks for Burr and Washington, as well as Hercules Mulligan/James Madison. I couldn’t find any other vids of him singing, so here’s a low quality Ham4Ham of him singing Michael Jackson and I just want him to appear in more Ham4Hams. Or be in the cast still when we see it in T- four months. !

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Best of Hams & Best of Ham4Hams

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Welcome to #Hamilweek! The Tony Awards are this Sunday, and until then we’re going to write like we’re running out of time (sorry). Hamilton is one of the first hit musicals of the social media era. Lin-Manuel Miranda and the cast realize that a majority of the fans can’t make it to the show, so they try their best to bring an up-close experience to their supporters through the magic of the internet. Case in point: Ham4Ham. Originally intended to give people who don’t win the ticket lotto a consolation prize, it has grown into a must-watch YouTube sensation. We could easily put every damn Ham4Ham on the list, but we tried to narrow it down a bit. Here are some of the best of Hams and best of Ham4Hams:

 

We Three Kings

Hamilton has been #blessed with three (now four) very talented men to play King George – Brian d’Arcy James, Jonathan Groff and Andrew Rannells. The great tragedy is that they never get to grace the stage at the same time. So it was invevitable that a Hamilfan suggested the three of them get together to sing The Schuyler Sisters. Request on Twitter and ye shall receive, so Lin organized this lip sync version featuring royalty. I love this because someone actually cut all the best angles together to create the best supercut. The fandom is great. – T

Star Techs

An amazing example of the behind-the-scenes coordination and dedication needed to produce a single number in the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present stage manager Jason Bassett calling cues with the rhythm and timing of a star performer. -M

I Don’t Own Emotion, I Rent

For the 20th anniversary of Rent, we dedicated a week of posts to the revolutionary rock musical. Similarly, Lin sang What You Own with a very special guest (still not over this). -T

Patti LuP-owned It

Whenever I’m tempted to half-ass something from now on, I’m going to remember that Patti LuPone does the whole damn introduction to Give My Regards To Broadway that NOBODY DOES. -M

I’ma Compel Him To Include Women in the Sequel

First the Kings take over for the Schuyler Sisters, then the fierce women take over for A. Ham and the rest of the squad for My Shot. There was a rumor a while ago that the touring production was auditioning females for the male roles and vice versa – it proved to me false, but this video alone shows the ladies are more than ready to go. – T

THIS IS PAVEMENT YOU GUYS.

This is one of those Ham4Hams that has nothing to do with the show – not the performers, not the music, just members of the New York City ballet making my brain explode by performing on the sidewalk so beautifully that it made me want to cry. -M

WERK

For one day, the #Ham4Ham turned into #Bam4Ham, as the the cast took a field trip to Washington D.C. to perform for the president. Naturally, Lin took advantage of the setting and recorded three digital Ham4Hams, including this one, which again features the ladies of the show. I still get chills every time I watch it. Which is a lot. It’s a reminder that the story they’re telling at the Richard Rodgers stemmed from real events, not just made up characters for a Broadway show. That Hamilton and the rest of the founding fathers built this nation from the ground up, and these beautiful actors have the privilege of telling their story.  -T

Fun Ham

If you’ve read Chernow’s biography, or just engaged in some deep-Googling, you probably know that Alexander and Eliza had eight children. And if you’re a youngest or middle child, you won’t be surprised that everyone only talks about the oldest. The Fun Home kids bring the other Hamilton sibs to life and tell you a little about their accomplishments. Is Oscar Williams old enough to play Phillip when Anthony Ramos leaves (long may Anthony Ramos remain, though)? -M

Minamahal Kita

This Ham4Ham holds a special place in my heart because it was the video that informed me Lin’s longterm girlfriend in college was Filipino. And like the type of Filipino that taught her boyfriend conversational Tagalog. And that Lin is the type of person that would compose a song in Taglish (Tagalog and English) to mack on his girl. My brain exploded and all that came out were the emojis with heart eyes. Oh, also Queen of the Philippines Lea Salonga is in this too. -T

Heights4Ham

Chances are if you love Hamilton, you loved Lin’s first venture, In The Heights, as well … and this miniature ITH reunion was better than I even hoped for. Karen Olivo, everyone! -M

Funny Girl

Has anyone proven that Jasmine Cephas Jones ISN’T magic? At least a little bit?

Silky Strikes Again

Leslie Odom Jr. could me the McDonalds value menu and I’d be so enthralled by it that I’d buy every damn thing. But when you mix my fave track Wait For It with an emotional song like Stars from Les Mis – forget it. I am undone. -T

~*BFFLs*~

I love Jimmy Fallon. I love Lin-Manuel Miranda. They are both equally cinnamon rolls too precious for this world. So when they get together it’s sugar overload. What? Yes. Just watch. – T

If I Was A Schuyler

Tevye’s daughters from the Fiddler On The Roof (including Lin’s former intern!) make their best case for appearing as the Schuyler sisters. I’m sold. -M

Kyle Jean-Baptiste

Summer 2015: in addition to the diverse cast playing the founding fathers in Hamilton, Broadway had its first black Valjean in Kyle Jean-Baptiste. You could, and can, feel theater changing. This is bittersweet now: Kyle died tragically at just 21 years old, but thanks to this Ham4Ham we can still appreciate his talent.

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You Know What Date I’m Not Getting Married? June 3rd.

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Before there’s any confusion, neither of us is getting married. Also not getting married: Season 6 Lorelai Gilmore. Why am I even bringing this up? Besides the obvious that we’re obsessed with the show? Today is June 3rd.

Yes, Lucas. June 3rd. It’s the unofficial Gilmore Girls holiday for a couple reasons. A) It’s the date Luke & Lorelai were supposed to get married. B) It’s the date of Rory’s court hearing. C) Because I Said So (see what I did there?)

In honor of Flashback Friday, I’m bringing it back to last year’s June 3rd post in the middle of our Gilmore Girls theme week. It was days before we reunited with the rest of the GG cast at the ATX TV Festival and also days before we met aforementioned Luke Danes and nearly passed out. Ok, I, Traci, almost passed out. Molly was fine.

Anyways, in addition to Luke, there were many men that came in and out of the Gilmore girls’ lives, so here are (fake) bios we made for all the gentleman callers throughout the seven seasons we were in Stars Hollow.

Gilmore Girls’ Gentleman Callers Character Bios: He’d Better Have a Motorcycle

Guys, do you know what today is? It’s June 3rd. Yes, it’s silver fox Anderson Cooper’s birthday, but that has nothing to do with Gilmore Girls Week. June 3rd – it’s the day that Rory was scheduled to go to court for the whole sex boat scandal – but more importantly, it was the day Luke and Lorelai were supposed to get married.

Alas, as you fans know, that wedding date never came to fruition, and Lorelai made sure everybody knew that during Zach and Lane’s wedding when she got a lil’ shitfaced and told pretty much all of Stars Hollow that June 3rd wasn’t happening, and doubted that it was ever going to happen.

Full disclosure – for the past few years, I’ve been ‘celebrating’ June 3rd with my friend and we usually get coffee, some kind of delish food, and maybe sneak in an ep, so basically it’s become the official unofficial holiday for the show. In celebration of (pre-breakup) June 3rd, let’s take a more in-depth look at not only Luke, but all the memorable boys of Gilmore Girls past. From Tristan to Christopher to Asher, there have been some interesting and some unforgettable men in the GG world, and today, we’re bringing them back and reminding you of just how good (or horrible) they are with a breakdown of each guy, with facts that may or may not be true (they’re all fake, these characters are not real. I know).

**Ed. note: Friendly reminder we’re heading to Austin for the #ATXFestival on Thursday, so follow us on social media using the hashtag #CandSTakeATX as we update you live panels starring the likes of GG, Bunheads, Orphan Black, Dawson’s Creek and more!!**

Dean

Occupation: Piece of human garbage

Smells like: Axe body spray, probably

Defining characteristics: punchable face, stupid hair.

Special skills: Carrying historical cannonballs, being obnoxiously tall, okay at Bop It, I guess.

Favorite Macaulay Culkin role: the little evil boy in The Good Son

Emoji that may or may not represent him as a character: 🚽

Tristan

Where is he now: After finishing his high school years at a military school in small-town North Carolina, Tristan has since settled down with his beloved wife … Mary.

Biggest secret: The “military school” thing was a ruse, he’s obviously in the witness protection program. Come on, there’s no way “Dugray” isn’t a made-up New England prep school kid surname.

Personal hero: the Ryan Philippe character from Cruel Intentions

Hobbies: Local gun club, community theatre

Jess

Fashion preferences: layered look

Food aversions: Deviled eggs

Deepest secret: Has the ability to take on superpowers of other people

Favorite book: Swan’s Way

Current occupation: Part-owner of Trunchin Books, and leads their booming e-book department. Wrote another novel called The Heartful Dodger

Most used emoji: 📚

Marty

Famous relatives: Ugly Naked Guy, third cousin of John Mayer

Bad habits: Lies when completely unnecessary, never carries any cash

Current occupation: Owns a catering company with branches in 20 cities throughout America. Still refuses to cater any party involving Logan Huntzberger.

Underused emoji: 👕

Logan

What comes up when you Google his name: Rory Gilmore Sex Boat

Recreational interests: yacht heists (possibly the wealthiest-sounding two-word combo ever)

Family history: while man is known to descend from apes, Logan’s family carries a suspicious amount of wasp DNA

Favorite Macaulay Culkin role: Richie Rich

Emoji that stings when he see it: 💍

Doyle

Current age: 21. Still. Somehow.

Biggest secret: Has been frozen in time since 1928 (see: fondness for print journalism; fear of treadmills – it all makes sense).

Favorite accessory: probably one of those old-time tickets in his bowler cap in lieu of a press pass?

Hobbies: Krav Maga, making railroad models, coming up with new dad jokes to tell his two kids with Paris.

Jamie

Un-celebrations: Took a good five years before he could fully enjoy his birthday after Paris broke up with him on his 20th.

Occupation: Works at a Washington, D.C. think tank

Current relationship status: Married to Zenon (no, really. IRL)

Asher

Current occupation: deceased

Where would he be in 2015?: Dating someone who learned about 9/11 from a very special episode of Sesame Street

In lieu of flowers: gives teen girlfriend Paris an antique printing press (posthumously)

Fashion favorite: those blazers with patches on the elbows

Favorite memory: the 1940s

Favorite emoji: 👴

Zach

Fun fact: played guitar on all of the “la las”

Favorite musical genre: Songs with girls’ names in them

Secret hobby: Writes vampire fiction

Favorite/Least favorite movie: From Here To Eternity

Most used emoji:  🎎

Dave Rygalski

Where is he now: While pretending to be a Christian guitarist, he got inspired and now is a real-life Christian guitarist in a mega church’s worship band.

Net worth: One marriage jug

Current location: Chino

Celebrity crush: Leighton Meester

Henry Cho

Photo Jun 01, 1 20 13 AM

Current occupation: still not a doctor

Relationship status: married to a Korean doctor

Jackson

Cutting the cord: Finally got that vasectomy for real after Sookie cursed him out while in labor with their child.

Career highlights: farmer, town selectman, former town selectman

Unrealized dreams: “Four in four” – unless that season 7 baby was actually twins. Yikes.

Favorite designer: Carhartt

Biggest fear: Getting caught for accidentally farming weed in ’06

Rune

Fashion inspiration: Dickon from The Secret Garden: 

Dislikes: tall women who have ears

Fun fact: has never swiped right

Most noticeable characteristic: resting bitch face

Unrealized dream: Newsie

T.J.

Occupation: Is a contractor. Well, technically, works for a contractor as an assistant, but still calls himself a contractor.

Where is he now: after the legging craze took off, T.J. became the proprietor of a successful men’s tights boutique

Hometown: Not New York, actually.

Favorite word: Escrow (pronounced: ES-kher-oh)

Kids’ names: Doula, Gary Jr.

Favorite emoji:  🔨

Young Chui

Relationship status: secretly dating Dave Rygalski

Favorite sport: Krav maga. Ironically took the same class as Doyle until he and Paris moved away from Connecticut.

Favorite food: trail mix, peanuts, potato chips, basically any sort of party food

Favorite TV shows: Jeopardy!, The Bachelor franchise

Max

Favorite pick-up location: Parent-teacher conferences; PTA bake sales

Movie he cannot watch: Runaway Bride

Current location: Went back to Stanford, tried to reunite with Diane, that lasted approx 2 months. Now teaches at Berkley, was involved with a woman named Sarah Braverman, and right when he was about to propose, she told him she couldn’t go through with it. Still looking for the “one”, but satisfied with his career as a teacher.

Fatal flaw: Not Luke

Christopher

Where is he now: After breaking up with Lorelai for good, he realized he needed to get away from Connecticut for a while and moved to Santa Barbara with Gigi. He initially planned for it to be temporary so he could move back to CT to be close to Rory, but after she got the campaign job with Obama, he decided to stay put and has lived there ever since. He met a woman who works as an astrophysics professor at University of California, Santa Barbara, and they’ve been dating for years, but are in no rush to settle down.

Movie he cannot watch: Funny Face

Weird aversion: Light-up santas, outdoor nativity scenes

Emoji he uses when feeling threatened: 👊

Fatal flaw: Not Luke

Alex

Hobbies and interests: Fishing, coffee

Where is he now: Good question. Missing person: he just sort of faded away then disappeared. Nancy Grace is on it.

Medical Marvel: Alex is immune to the effects of caffeine.

Underused emoji: 🎣

Fatal flaw: Not Luke

Jason

Nickname: Digger, The Worst

Interests: Suing people, ruining things

Pets: Cyrus, the dog, who passed away in 2012. He had the animal taxidermied. There’s honestly no difference.

Relationship status: In a long-term relationship with a woman he met while on a business trip in China. They have an apartment in New York City – they sleep in separate beds.

Emoji doppelganger: 💩

Fatal flaw: Not Luke

Luke

Nicknames: Butch, Mr. Backwards Baseball Hat

Favorite possession: Canadian mountie hat

Favorite movie: Casablanca

Secret nobody knows: He uses his “Dark Day” as an excuse to go to a reggae concert and let his ‘Jah be Jah’.

Odd quirk: Hugging people then grabbing the back of their head before letting go.

Collections of interest: Star Trek memorabilia, a box of important items from his and Lorelai’s relationship

Emoji sequence Lorelai sends to Luke most often: 🍴💖☕️

Best quality: Being Luke.

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Salute Your Shorts Live Blog: Zeke The Plumber – Open Air Toilets & Brain Plunging

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by

In keeping with our Social Media Hashtag week, we’re celebrating #ThrowbackThursday and the 25th birthday of Salute Your Shorts by rewatching the favorite episode of my childhood, Zeke The Plumber (don’t worry, this isn’t one of our real theme weeks …. but the one we have on deck next week is gonna be non-stop, if you know what I mean, and I think you do). We only had five days during Big Orange Couch Week, and we focused on Are You Afraid Of The Dark, Clarissa Explains It All, The Secret World of Alex Mack, The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, and All That. But if you were a 90s Kid (TM), you’ll also hold Camp Anawana in your hearts. And when you think about it, it makes you wanna fart. Which was a great joke when you were 6. 

You can watch the episode here! Or, preferably, somewhere legal instead. Ready? Go!

  • The episode opens with a child holding a 90s camcorder and narrating a walk through the woods for his parents. Remember camcorders? And how if you didn’t have a heavy, expensive piece of equipment and the ability to convert those little cassettes to videotape, your memories just had to live in your brain?
  • Sometimes, we look back on terrible haircuts of the past and think “well, it was fashionable then. Times change and someday we’ll all think we look dumb now, too.” This isn’t one of those times. I knew Budnick’s red mullet was bad when I was in kindergarten, and I know it now. Looking back, it actually might be the first time in my whole life I identified that somebody had bad hair.

    But also, this wasn’t totally out of left field in the early 90s – it’s not like he made up this weird hairdo. The 90s did.

  • It’s almost on the fence between ‘mullet’ and ‘too much of your hair is bangs.’ MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND BUDNICK.
  • I, um… I don’t remember if I noticed that Ug Lee’s name was “ugly” as a kid. I do remember assuming that he was Budnick’s dad or uncle, because wherever two or more redheads are gathered, I will assume that they’re related. (My childhood BFF and I were both tiny freckly gingers; we loved that people thought we were sisters.)

    No but. They do look alike, right???

     

  • Let’s talk about the theme song. First of all, why do people/Ug put zinc oxide just on their noses? I’ve never had a sunburn that encapsulated just my nose but surely there’s a reason. Also, this may be the genesis of me thinking it was super dorky that I had to wear sunscreen all the time. Anyway, all of the characters are set up in the opening credits. ZZ is a goody-goody who loves nature (she’s Dawn from the Baby-Sitters Club, mas o menos), Ug doesn’t know what’s going on around him, Donkey Lips is a Bobby Moynihan character, Budnick is a shit-stirrer with silly hair, Telly likes sports, Dina is the pretty popular girl, and Sponge is small. There’s a blonde boy I don’t remember well (Michael) who was just … regular … I think? Like if Salute Your Shorts were a movie, he would have been played by one of the Corys.

  • The kids are telling ghost stories and I have questions. Are they supervised? And where did they get all those candles? And matches? Does anyone else think this looks like a huge fire haz? I never went to camp; this all may be very normal.
  • The gist is: Zeke the Plumber was a camp plumber who had no nose. He hit a gas pipe, couldn’t smell the gas and lit a match (I HAVE MORE QUESTIONS, like why would he light a match in the first place, and why are there so many damn matches at this camp, and surely he knew he punctured a pipe, ok?). So Zeke dies and only his plunger was left behind, which I don’t think he needs in a hole with a match, but I’m not a plumber so what do I know.
  • Wow all of these kids are so young! I thought Dina and Z.Z. were so cool and sophisticated and they looked like literal babies:

  • Zeke the Plumber appears in the boys bunk, spending his afterlife plunging children’s toilets, which seems like an odd choice but you do you, Zeke. More specifically, he is plunging the OPEN AIR TOILET THAT JUST HANGS OUT IN THE BUNK ALL THE TIME. Was this there before? And is this camp or prison?!

  • On a related note, I have a weird ghost toilet in my basement and the floor drain near it started spewing water last week …. and all I could think was “in what universe would someone need a haunted toilet in their basement anyway?” I’ll tell you what: a universe in which you’re keeping someone in your basement. That’s all.
  • Nevermind. Zeke was a dream. He “found” Michael’s stuffed hippo in the toilet and plunges his brain.
  • How expensive do we think this camp is?
  • Now, via dream,  Zeke tells Telly he can turn her into a professional ball player, plunges her brain, and sends her to a ball instead. But all the kids dream Zeke the same so he’s obviously real, right?
  • Sponge has an enormous laptop, because this was still that era where being really into owning a computer meant you were a nerd on TV. For a moment I think he’s about to look up Zeke the Plumber, but then I remember that we were years away from it being normal to have internet access, and even more years away from wifi. Maybe that nerd-o was playing Oregon Trail or Carmen Sandiego.
  • Now Budnick is going to spend the night in the woods at the spot where Zeke died. Hold on, I have questions again. How do they know, and why was he digging a hole in the middle of the woods, and why is there a gas pipe in the middle of the woods?
  • The kids all set out to punk Budnick to get him back for scaring them with the Zeke the Plumber story.
  • The punkers become the punk-ees, as Budnick replaces himself with a dummy with a melon-head and sets off soda cans.
  • Ug impersonates Zeke and Budnick catches him in a rope trap, and I know I’m getting old because all of this seems like a lot of damn work just to prove a point.
  • Ug looks exactly like all the kids imagined Zeke The Plumber, which in my estimation means that he’s a real ghost after all.
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Woman Crush Wednesday: Cynthia Erivo

Posted in Entertainment by

Happy June, friends! I’m following up Motivation Monday with another installment of Woman Crush Wednesday, and this one goes to the fabulous Cynthia Erivo, who has become a breakout star in the Broadway revival of The Color Purple. So much so that she’s earned her first Tony nomination for Best Actress in a Musical (and won a couple awards for it too). What that means is that you should probably be paying attention to her. She’s out of this world. And here are just a few reasons why:

The Color Purple

Let’s start with her current job, shall we? Cynthia plays Celie, the main character of The Color Purple (played by Whoopi Goldberg in the movie). If you’ve never seen the musical, just know it’s V emotional, and Cynthia recently performed one of the most heart-wrenching numbers in the show called I’m Here on Stephen Colbert. You should probably grab some tissues before clicking play on this one.

RIP Prince

Cynthia is part of an amazing cast which includes Danielle Brooks (Orange is the New Black) and Jennifer Hudson (who’s since left), so when the holy trinity and the rest of the stellar cast took the stage the night Prince died, it was only fitting for a show titled The Color Purple sing Purple Rain in the best way they knew how. Take ’em to church, fam.

JHud’s Successor

Speaking of Jennifer Hudson… I don’t think you’re allowed to become a Broadway diva or true belter if you don’t sing your own version of And I Am Telling You from Dreamgirls. This was pre-The Color Purple on Broadway (Cynthia played Celie in the 2013 production of the show), but months later, she was sharing the stage with the same woman who won an Oscar for this role in the movie. And now they’re besties (just watch this tribute song to Jennifer for her last show). It’s cute. This video, however – is fierce.

Following in Whoopi’s Footsteps

Although she’s been an actress/singer for years, her big break didn’t come until 2011, when she played Delores VanCartier/Sister Mary Clarence in the UK tour of the Sister Act musical. If you’re thinking a Sister Act musical would be no bueno, I assure you it’s more entertaining than you think, and the score is delightfully delightful. Just like the movie, Delores is the main character of the story, and in the musical, her songs are infused with a lot of gospel-tinged tracks. Like this finale number which looks ridic out of context but is better in the show itself. Cynthia werks those runs like no one’s business.

She’s Superwoman, It’s Fine

https://www.instagram.com/p/BFrCsSEhVR0/

If you go through Cynthia’s Instagram, the ratio of gym to regular pix is like 4 to 1. It’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s #goals. Woman is not messing around. Her tickets to the gun show sell out faster than to The Color Purple. She recently ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon. And then went off for a two show day. SHE RAN 12.1 MILES THEN SANG AND DANCED AND ACTED FOR TWO SHOWS WHAT EVEN. I can’t even run a single mile then be expected to work at a desk for the rest of the day my GOD.

She’ll Out Sing You At A Bar

Just once I’d like to be in a bar where Cynthia Erivo decides to randomly belt out a tune in front of all the people. Here she is singing a song from one of my favorite shows, The Last Five Years by Jason Robert Brown. JRB’s music isn’t the easiest to sing, but she makes it seem like she’s effortlessly belting the ABCs or something. For you JRB-heads out there, Cynthia was also in another one of his shows, Songs for a New World, along with her boyfriend Dean John-Wilson (who is legit Aladdin. in London).

She Slays

If you weren’t left impressed with the Jason Robert Brown, maybe a Beyonce cover will help? We all know Beyonce kills her vocals, and there are millions of people on YouTube who try to do as well as her. But when Cynthia does it, she makes me believe the song was meant for her (no disrespect to my queen B). But simply put, Cynthia slays.

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It’s 1975: Let’s All Decorate Our Porches and Patios!

Posted in Miscellany by

Welcome back to Let’s All Decorate, a series examining the design trends and tribulations of years past. We’ve examined everything from 90s country geese to the early-DIY era sponge painting craze to your grandma’s house (yes, yours), but today we’re going to take it outside. Memorial Day is in the books and summer 2016 is unofficially here. For a lot of us that means planting our gardens, cleaning off the outdoor furniture and hanging hammocks. In the 1970s it meant all of that too, but everything was just a little bit uglier.

I don’t know why, but the 1970s just scream summer with me. Maybe it was my childhood obsession with Now and Then, or maybe it’s the bold, loud prints and colors of the era. Whatever it is, I can just see 1970s homeowners wearing polyester outfits, trying to gussy up their decks and patios before their swinging cocktail party. Plus, a lot of the 70s styles lived on in my relatives’ houses throughout my very 90s childhood, so all of this looks more than a little familiar.

Are you ready? Queue up your favorite 8-track, slip on your finest caftan, and start seeing the world through Harvest Gold-colored glasses. It’s 1975, let’s all decorate our porches and patios!

Pick A Color Scheme And Go With It. Really, Really Go With It.

Do you like yellow? Orange? Pea green? Throw it on everything! Those are your only color options, sorry!

My fav is the Big Bird pelt on the floor.

 

On one hand that’s a kind of cute, Liberty print-looking fabric. On the other hand, it is on everything up to and including the walls. BTW the woman looks like she’s posing for a picture, but the man is just looking at her.

 

Baby diarrhea. That’s the color of the background. Baby. Diarrhea.

April Showers Bring Macrame Flowers?

If you lived through the 70s, you probably had a cousin or sister-in-law make you one of these for Christmas. If you lived through the 80s or 90s, it was probably still in your parents’ house.

Were you born between 1972 and 1979? You may have been conceived on this macrame monster, CONGRATS.

Crimson Crystal Beads To Beckon

It is almost like instead of design books, 1970s homeowners were going off of the lyrics to Joni Mitchell’s Chelsea Morning. I love her but it’s true.

Make Yourself Comfortable. If At All Possible.

The good thing is that by the 1970s, outdoor-friendly materials had come a long way! The bad thing is they were still plastic-y and uncomfortable. You’d probably stock up a few of these bad boys:

If you were born before 1990, you probably put a foot through one of these at some point.

 

And who could forget your skin sticking to these strips of woven plastic?

 

Then there were these not-at-all-soft, rain-resistant cushions.

Invite All Your 70s Friends Over!

You don’t decorate a porch or patio for yourself alone. Time to throw a bash for all your 70s friends!

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So You Think You Kids Can Dance

Posted in Entertainment by

Happy Memorial Day! Also happy Motivation Monday (I’m taking a social media hashtag approach this week)! After you finish showing down on hamburgers or setting off fireworks or whatever you do on Memorial Day, may I suggest sitting down to watch the season premiere of my favorite reality show, So You Think You Can Dance. Or rather, So You Think You Can Dance: The Next Generation.

I’ve been a fan since the literal jump, so when they announced the new format for the 13th season, in which the contestants are kids and not 18+, I was a little hesitant. Actually still am, pending on how tonight turns out. For me, I find young adults competing and achieving their goals much more interesting and less gut-wrenching than seeing kids get eliminated from a show which they think is a life and death situation. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of curmudgeon about this – in fact, if SYTYCD: TNG turns out to be anything like MasterChef Junior, then count me in. 100 percent. Especially since I know there are some talented kid dancers out there.

I’ve been known to tinker around the Internet here and there, and somehow on my travels I manage to find super talented kids who are already much better dancers than I’ll ever be. So before tuning in to SYTYCD: TNG, check out some of these kids that will motivate you to get up and move that tush a little more.

Soni Nicole Bringas

All four of these kids are great, but I’d like to point out the girl on the right with the long brown hair. If you’re wondering if she looks familiar, it’s because she plays Kimmy Gibbler’s daughter on Fuller House. So not only is she a good actress, she’s an amazing dancer too. Acting seems to be her second profession, really. That’s how good she is.

Aidan Prince

Again, if this kid rings a bell in your brain, he’s one of those kids Ellen brings on her show because she’s dance’s number one fan. I actually discovered him while creeping on videos Soni was in, because apparently this is what 30 is like, folks. Aidan has been dancing for years now, but his hits and grooves are so impressive for a kid his age.

Charlize Glass

This girl. Muscles for dayz. And you can tell because she is one of the strongest dancers I’ve seen, including adults. The other two girls in this video (another appearance by azn gal Bailey Sok on the left) are great dancers, however Charlize could easily pass for a 23 year old with her moves alone.

Kaycee Rice

I don’t even know what the fuck that video is, I’m convinced she’s some sort of dance alien that came to Earth to teach us how dancing really works. Like, what are those moves?

Big Will Simmons

This kid actually deserves the name Big Will. You know how some dudes give themselves nicknames that don’t really fit their personality? Big Will’s swag lives up to his name.

Sofia Lucia

Apparently this girl is on Dance Moms. No idea. All I know is that her extension and turns are flawless.

Balang

This is my Filipino cousin. JK I WISH.

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Cheers Chats #5: Fortune and Men’s Weights

Posted in Entertainment by

Annddd we’re back.

Episode 2.17: Fortune and Men’s Weights

Originally aired: February 2nd, 1984

Netflix synopsis: Coach purchases an antique scale that also delivers fortunes, and the Cheers clan begins to attribute supernatural powers to the scale.

Previously, on Cheers

Sam and Diane are still together. That weird actor who maybe wanted to kill Diane was never seen again. Coach coaches, Carla brings her baby to work. Roughly eight episodes feature a “is Sam going to do it with someone who’s not Diane” plot (he doesn’t). Sam and Diane say I love you, finally.

One Hit Wonders

(Characters we don’t expect to be seeing again)

This scale. scale

So What Had Happened Was…

(Basic recap of the episode’s main plot)

Coach buys a scale from a weird man with an accent and it causes a ruckus in the bar. The scale, spits out a fortune on a piece of paper when you stand on it, is now a staple in the bar because they can’t return it to the janky salesman. Also the bill went to Sam and not Coach? Coach straight up buying luxuries without telling Sam. Rude.

“It’s gotta be some kind of mistake. Why would I buy a crate?” – Coach, when the scale he purchased came in a large wooden crate.

Everyone is really into the fortune telling scale, so now there’s a line at the scale of barflies because it’s apparently the Duck Hunt of Cheers. (Or the Naked Lady Find The Difference Game, but let’s go with Duck Hunt). Despite the scale giving out weird fortunes.

T: I finally figured Coach out and why I’m constantly annoyed with him – he is a walking “Who’s on third?” joke. Now that I have about a season and a half under my belt, I’ve gotten increasingly irritated with the corny “jokes” and how they dumb him down. It’s not my type of humor at all.

M: I agree and also think that’s why I skip a lot of older sitcoms – because some shows are Cheers, with Sam and Diane and our boo Carla to balance out Coach, but a lot of pre-2000s sitcoms are just… all Coaches. All Coach, no Carla – that’s my summary of bad 80s TV.

(I also stand by my theory that Coach is the one who is just there in case they need something serious to happen to someone, e.g. wife with cancer, house fire).

T: The B story involves Norm going on a blind date… and it turns out the blind date was Norm’s ex-wife (estranged?) Vera. And now they’re back together.

M: I have a feeling that Vera is Norm’s Tammy Two.

Carla’s My Boo

Carla’s convinced it’s telling the actual truth, so as a way to reverse the curse, if you will, Carla wards off the evil spirits by doing this:

Photo May 26, 1 56 59 AM

Carla also blames the curse on someone not praying before leaving the house. Love when they throw in these weird “Carla’s superstitious/ very Catholic” asides.

Shut Up, Diane

(We just have a feeling we’re going to be saying Shut Up, Diane at our screens KIND OF A LOT.)

Diane gets a fortune and it says: “Deception in romance proves costly” she is hiding something.

And she has resorted to copying whatever Carla does. 

Little Ditty About Sam & Diane

Sam was all ready to buy Diane make-up flowers because he didn’t go to some art show she wanted him to go to, but she comes in and is all lovey-dovey? Something is afoot.

“I just missed ya so, ya big lug” Diane to Sam – why doesn’t anyone call people “lug” anymore?

Diane asks for a big “smooch-a-roo” which I think nobody called those in the first place.

DIANE TOOK ANOTHER MAN TO THE ART SHOW (performance?) SAM SKIPPED OUT ON! This explains why she she was acting shady after getting that fortune from the scale.

“The only battles I ever won in life, I won on my own.” Sam

“That was brilliantly put.” Diane

“You said that to me a few days ago.” Sam

“But you remembered it and used it in the proper context.” Diane

So basically Diane invited this classmate male friend to her apartment after the show and she feels guilty she was able to talk about all her interests with someone who gave a shit, and Sam’s reaction is – “I’m grateful. This makes sense. We should break up.” HEH???

And then Sam & Diane attempt to break up, and in pure Sam & Diane fashion… it’s ridiculous to say the least.

“We can’t break up because a pile of metal springs said we were going to.There’s too much at stake here.” Diane

“Forgive me.” Sam

“Tell me you didn’t break up with me.” Diane

“Of course I didn’t break up with you.” Sam

“Then I’m first. You are history!” Diane

Angry Sam kicks the scale and a fortune comes out – “Machine empty order more fortunes today” except they can’t because the company doesn’t exist.

The Luke Danes of 1980s Boston

(In which we gush over dreamy yet often grumpy bartender Sam Malone)

Sam’s stance on this bar is fire:

Sam, who doesn’t give a shit about this fortune telling scale, taunts Carla with jazz hands after reading her (fake) fortune: “You will grow lips on your forehead”

LLOL

(Literal Laugh Loud Loud moments from the episode)

Cliff explains to Norm where the fulcrum is on the large crate to open it and the wooden panel falls on his head. Honestly the physical comedy makes me laugh more than Coach’s jokes. He did have one quip that made me chortle in episode nine:

Sam: Coach, we don’t want to be bothered.

Coach: Who does?

Also, Coach’s description of the antique scale salesman (?) as a cross between Abraham Lincoln and Hitler was ALMOST funny.

“Then we split some clams casino and a little Chateaubriand, her favorite wine. Next thing, we went back to what used to be our place and we kind of made love.” Norm

“You can’t ‘kind of’ make love.” Sam

“You don’t know Vera.” Norm

Say It Again, Sam

(Memorable lines from the episode. Not exclusively from Sam Malone.)

“It’s a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.” Sam speaking the truth about himself. Everyone is getting out of hand with this scale’s fortunes,

“She’s losing what’s left of her grey matter and I don’t mean her underwear.” Diane about Carla

“You’re crackers, you know that?” Sam to Diane. Crackers, y’all. (TBH, sounds like more of a Diane term. Her influence is showing.)

Cheers Queries

Cliff fell down the stairs and is now all unconscious and has no idea what is going on. In the last episode, Cliff comes face to face with a bully, and proves that he’s not a wuss by showing off his karate skills. He breaks a 4×4 and cement block. Only problem is that he doesn’t know karate and has to secretly ask Diane to take him to the hospital because he probably has a concussion. I’m starting to think this was some sort of continuity thing but maybe not? Does any of this even matter?

I guess I also have a general question about Sam and Diane’s relationship. I definitely ship Sam/Diane but I wish the tactic wasn’t always to up the conflict between them. Like introducing girls Sam’s going to be into (oh lord, I almost wrote Luke instead of Sam there), or having Diane’s “highbrow” interests get in the way. So my query is just… do we have to? I want a solid 5 episode streak where Sam and Diane are good and the conflict comes from Coach’s house burning down or Carla not knowing who her baby is or something.

Barfly Fashion

Sam’s green sweater is so fresh and so clean

For some reason, Norm’s blue cardi just screams 1984 to me. 

Also very 1984, Carla’s pink velour long sleeved shirt and complementing maroon velour pants. (I also feel like velour doesn’t breathe and she’s going to be trapped in a sweat-shell and that it’s going to absorb spilled beer from the counter like a bar mop.)

Sam’s velour pants. So hot. Diane’s blue peasant blouse + green velour skirt. Not as hot. Just classy af.

Next Up: We are basing our watch list off of AV Club’s 10 Episodes That Show How Cheers Stayed Great For 11 Seasons. We’re going chronologically, so stop by next month when we’ll discuss season three, episode 14, The Heart is a Lonely Snipe Hunter.
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That’s Professor Angelina Jolie to You

Posted in Entertainment by

Angelina Jolie recently announced she’s going to be a professor at the London School of Economics. Yeah, you read that right. Ok, I guess there’s more. She’ll be a visiting professor at the school and will teach a master’s class at the Center for Women, Peace and Security. Angelina is expected to discuss the role of women as they work alongside governments and the United Nations. If you’re wondering, the job is unpaid. So that all checks out.

I can only imagine that first class – as a student, impatiently waiting for a full-blown Hollywood superstar to come through the door and teach you about the world. It would be surreal and I don’t know how anyone could manage to easily pay attention. And that’s Angelina Jolie. I don’t even fangirl for her that much. But what if your faves stood behind a podium and taught you a college course? Or ever worse – one of your least faves walked in to give a lecture?

I’ve compiled a list of just some celebs I think would be great professors, and some… that should maybe stick to their day jobs.

Best: Lin-Manuel Miranda

Fact – Lin used to be a substitute English teacher at his former high school, so he already has the skills to be a real professor. He’s always engaging, always interesting to listen to and is a literal genius. Not to mention he’s already taught millions of people around the world about an American founding father. Sure, we might have known he was shot in a duel, but without Lin’s creative way of infusing history into pop culture, we would probably never known Angelica Schuyler’s full story or stanned over a real dude named Hercules Mulligan. Lin’s a professor of life, y’all.

Worst: Quentin Tarantino

I just imagine him talking way too much and spending an extra 45 minutes over class time explaining why The Grim Reaper is the most underrated of all of Bertolucci’s films.

Best: Bryan Cranston

He played a high school chemistry teacher, so why not? You know, if you forget the whole drug dealer lit’rally breaking bad thing. IRL, Bryan never fails to entertain – I dare you to find an interview in which he’s not charming and hilarious. He’d be the cool professor that would be okay with you stealthily drinking wine out of a tumbler.

Worst: Kanye West

A 45 minute rant on art and business and fashion? Pass. I’d be ok with a 45 minute concert from him tho, TBH.

Best: Kerry Washington

Ah the queen. She’s obviously a phenomenal actress, but her philanthropy and passion to speak out about important causes like women’s rights and equality and education is energizing and I just want to learn how to be as much like her as possible.

Worst: Stacey Dash

https://www.tumblr.com/tearthatcherryout/140219049413

I think that speaks for itself.

Worst: Idris Elba

https://www.instagram.com/p/t5UjohEiU5/

Let’s face it, I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d spend the whole class picturing him naked, which is probably not a good way to pass a class. Maybe auditing is the way to go.