Not familiar with the Eurovision Song Contest? Ten years ago, I wasn’t either. It was May 2006, I was studying abroad in Spain, and all of a sudden everyone was talking about this …. singing reality show, I guessed? … with an enthusiasm that seemed almost American. The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition between European countries and, for some reason, Australia. Each country submits an original song then votes on other countries’ songs. Ireland has won the most times, which doesn’t surprise me and shouldn’t surprise you. (It’s to the extent where one year Ireland was just like screw it, we’re sending a turkey puppet. That really happened. They really sent a turkey puppet and DIDN’T GET THE FEWEST POINTS. It apologized for Riverdance.)
Learning about the Eurovision Song Contest was the only time during my study abroad semester when I could feel myself turning into an Ugly American. Because when Americans see nice things that we don’t have, we try to find a way to muscle our way in there. I mean, singing competitions? We invented singing competitions! Or, okay, we stole all our best ones from the UK. But they’re pretty good copies! However, watching the contest this year, I couldn’t deny the truth: if the U.S.A. strong-armed our way into the contest, we’d ruin it. We’d rig the votes. Our original song would have too much production and too little heart. American voters would complain about songs not being in English. We’d demand a recount (which -wow! – voters are actually doing this year after Ukraine’s win.) It’s better we watch this one from afar and not try to join in, as difficult as it is for Americans to not show other countries that we can do things too.
However, in the great American tradition, that won’t stop me from offering on my opinion on things I have no say in. Here’s what an American think about the five top-ranked songs in the fantastic 2016 Eurovision Song Contest.
Ukraine: 1944 (Jamala)
American Take: We have this rule, too. The thing about World War II always wins. The Oscars? The thing about World War II always wins. Tony Awards? The Emmys? World War II, winner. Even high school art shows: the pencil sketch or papier mache sculpture about World War II always wins. It’s nice to know that some things, like smiles, laughter, and “the thing about World War II always wins,” are the same wherever you live.
(In any event, this was haunting and beautiful, but the melody kind of sounds like when I’d make up a song as I went along as a kid. Jamala wrote 1944 about the deportation of Crimean Tatars by the Soviet Union, and it just narrowly sidestepped the Eurovision rule against “political content” because it’s easy to interpret the song as being about the recent Russian annexation of Crimea. )
Australia: Sound Of Silence (Dami Im)
American Take: Oh come on. AUSTRALIA? If we don’t get to play, you don’t get to play. I know everybody loves you because you have the laid-back, informal attitude of America without the arrogance or divisive foreign policy, but you still aren’t European. Besides, Australia has an unfair advantage, being an enormous country whose main export is charismatic entertainers. (Dami Im, an Australian citizen, was born in South Korea, so she really has Excellence In Pop Music written on all her nationalities.) How about this: Australia, the USA and Canada can start our own contest. We’ll even invite New Zealand.
Anyway, song’s good. It has kind of a 90s pop sound, with techno-influenced backing music and soaring vocals, and I think it easily could have been the winner if Ukraine’s song weren’t about World War II. Apparently, it would have been the winner under the old voting rules.
Know who else had a song called The Sound Of Silence? AMERICANS.
Russia: You Are The Only One (Sergey Lazarev)
American Take: Tons of bonus points for the staging and graphics here. As a song? It kind of sounds like something that would play in one of those roller coaster where you’re in the dark. If I ran more, it would probably be a good running song, too. Lazarev is an enthusiastic performer with a strong voice.There’s kind of a Ricky Martin/ Marc Anthony vibe as well. Good job, Russia.
Bulgaria: If Love Was A Crime (Poli Genova)
American Take: Yo. Poli? I don’t know how things are going for you in Bulgaria – probably pretty great, you were their Eurovision pick after all – but you might belong on American radio. I don’t just mean that she’s good ( I mean, she is) but you could swap this out for any Shakira/ Rhianna/ Meghan Trainor / ANYTHING song on Top 40 Radio and I wouldn’t even notice the difference. Great, now I’m going to be singing “O, dai mi liubovta” for the rest of the day, if only because liubovta is so fun to say.
Sweden: If I Were Sorry (Frans)
American Take: Sweden: Small country, BIG talent. And everyone loves Sweden. They’re effortlessly cool, but they seem down-to-earth. Now, when I hear Swedish Pop I expect something like Abba or Robyn, or on the more modern side, something like Lykke Li or Tove Lo. I would not have expected this song. But I like it! I’m always a pushover for whichever Eurovision song isn’t as much a “big, pop production” and is more just a … song. I don’t know. Also, Frans is adorable.
Honorable Mentions
There were some songs in the Grand Final that didn’t make the top 5, but maybe should have. Every year, Eurovision audiences come away that their favorites didn’t get the most votes, and I’m no different. Here are a few that I’d have liked to see with more points:
The Netherlands: Slow Down (Douwe Bob)
American Take: Sounding kind of like 1970s AM Radio, kind of like an original song for an independent film, and sort of like American new folk, this was a nice break from some of the “lots of drums, lots of vocal riffs, lots of computer noises” songs that predominate the contest.
France: J’ai Cherche (Amir)
American Take: I just love how France is all “non, non, non, we are not doing this in English. Well, some of it in English. But not all of it” I also love this song. I might be a sucker for claps, though. Might be.
A bit of a contrahversay went down recently when a Buzzfeed article pointed out that “everyone’s been mishearing one lyric on the iconic Jennifer Lopez/Ja Rule hit I’m Real song wrong for years. YEARS. Apparently a handful of folks thought JLo was saying, “Are you Ellie?” in the beginning, when in reality, she was saying, “R.U.L.E.”, because, you know, Ja Rule. I personally was offended by this post because duh, logically it makes no sense she would be asking Ja if he’s some rando named ‘Ellie’. And if she’s not asking Ja, who is she asking? Spelling out names in songs is cool and hip, which is why THOSE ARE THE REAL LYRICS.
But I get it. we all make mistakes. We all mishear lyrics from time to time, even if you realize just how dumb you sounded when you were singing the wrong ones. Here are a few we’ve mistakenly been “Ellie-ing” for years.
Let’s forget that the song is titled Roll To Me. I thought the lyrics were “the right time and the wrong me” from third grade through, oh, age 27 or so, when I tried to look up the song for a little nostalgia boost and couldn’t find it with the words I was using. But think about it: the video is the heads of the band members on babies. It’s the right time but the WRONG ME because he is still a BABY. Plus “right time, wrong me” makes sense whereas “roll to me” isn’t an expression … is what I thought for about 20 years.
Trap Queen by Fetty Wap
For over a year, I was completely positive that Fetty Wap was in the kitchen cooking prawns with his baby. Part of it is how he says “pies,” part of it is that everyone knows that you don’t cook a pie, you bake it. By the way, I learned this one via the change.org petition to have Fetty Wap perform this at Nancy Reagan’s funeral.
I Melt With You by Modern English
I learned I had the words wrong in the most embarrassing and most common way you can learn you have the words wrong: singing along with the song at one of my trashy house parties in college. One of my friends stopped, looked and me, and said “that’s cute, you’re changing the lyrics to be about me and you.” Nope. Just an idiot who thought that Modern English was saying “I’ll stop the world and marry you.” Evidently diction isn’t part of the Modern English curriculum.
Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze
You’re going to need to understand that leprechauns were having a moment in the early to mid 90s. The movie Leprechaun really elevated the tiny Irish guys to a menacing figure worthy of horror films and rap lyrics. That’s why I thought Ini Kamoze was professing to be the “leprechaun gangster” for over a decade. “We don’t die, yes we multiply” even sounded like the concept of a leprechaun-based B-movie.
The Shoop Shoop Song by Betty Everett
It’s not just that, throughout my childhood, I thought she was saying “if you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kids.” It’s also that I created an elaborate scenario where it was a song about a woman falling for a single dad. I watched a lot of Full House, yes.
Traci’s Picks
Paper Planes by M.I.A.
The chorus is lit’rally half sound effects, yet somehow I always thought the lyrics were: “All I wanna do is *Bang Bang Bang Bang*/And *Click* *Ka-Ching*/’Mathangi’ on my neck”. You know, Mathangi as in M.I.A.’s real name. Duh. Apparently I was over thinking it because the real words are: “All I wanna do is *Bang Bang Bang Bang*/ And *Click* *Ka-Ching*/And take your money”. Ok fine, that makes more sense.
Billie Jean by Michael Jackson
Anyone else think the words were, “But the jet is not my son”? I mean, obviously it doesn’t even make any sense, but I guess I didn’t matter to me because the song was so rad? But when I found out the real lyrics were actually “But the kid is not my son”, it totally changed the entire song meaning for me.
Lean On by Major Lazer Featuring DJ Snake & MØ
So I guess my main takeaway from this post is that I’m not reall good with lyrics involving guns? Because I thought the chorus went: “Focus, fire a gun/We need someone to lean on”, when in reality it’s, “Blow a kiss, fire a gun/We need someone to lean on”. Whatever, she’s Danish.
You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette
In my defense, I’d bet there are a lot of people who also have no idea what Alanis is singing on this album. Right?
I want you to know, That I’ve had beef with you/I wish nothing but the best for you both
I know the virgin in me/Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak Eloguquani (some type of Native American language?)/And would she have your baby?
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother
… So, um… let’s take a look at the real lyrics:
I want you to know, that I am happy for you/I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me/Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently/And would she have your baby?
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother
At least I think my version is a better look on Dave Coulier?
Work by Rihanna
Just, like, all the chorus. I’m not the only one in the dark here, right? I looked it up on Genius and apparently the reason why we think it’s garbled speak is because she’s singing in Jamaican patois. “Haffi” = have to, “ah guh” = is going to, and “Meh nuh cyar” = I don’t care. The music video makes much more sense now. Here are the real lyrics:
Work, work, work, work, work, work/He said me haffi
Work, work, work, work, work, work!/He see me do mi
Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt!/So me put in
Work, work, work, work, work, work/When you ah guh
Learn, learn, learn, learn, learn/Meh nuh cyar if him
Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurting
Folks, we’re one week away from a new season of The Bachelorette aka America’s favorite guilty pleasure. Season 12 features Ben Higgins reject Jojo, you know the runner-up who Ben professed his love to, even though you’re not supposed to do that until the season finale. Jojo, like all the other losers in The Bachelor franchise, deserves love, and she will hopefully find it with the man of her dreams on national TV starting on May 23rd. But what exactly does she – and we – have to look forward to this season? I mean besides Jojo’s mom drinking alcohol straight out of the bottle? These dudes.
ABC released the first look of the men she’ll be picking from this time around and let’s just say… it should be an interesting season. I’ve decided to make a few first impression judgements on some of the guys, and then figure out if I was anywhere near the truth. I PROMISE I did not peek at their bios before giving my guesses! Do any of these guys look remotely appealing to y’all? Maybe their personalities will shine through when the show premieres. And I am ready to be proven wrong.
Fake Name: Stellan
Fake Occupation: Mixologist at hipster speakeasy in Silver Lake – known for his magic tricks at the bar
Fake Rando Fact: Makes his own craft beer in his garage
Real name: Evan
Real Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert (NO, REALLY)
Real Rando Fact: Favorite type of dancing is “booty” dancing
Will he last? Nah.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Julian
Fake Occupation: Vintner in Napa Valley
Fake Rando Fact: Says he’s fluent in French, took one semester in college (got a B- as a final grade)
Real name: Nick S.
Real Occupation: Software Salesman
Real Rando Fact: The food he dislikes the most is “scary cheeses”
Will he last? Not with that neckerchief, no.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Tony
Fake Occupation: Wedding DJ
Fake Rando Fact: At the age of 16, he was briefly in a boy band called No Way Out. It was managed by Lou Pearlman’s cousin Stu Pearlman.
Real name: Vinny
Real Occupation: Barber
Real Rando Fact: The most embarrassing style he’s ever had: “I bleached my tips once. I looked like Timberlake – boy-band style.”
Will he last? Nope.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Charlie
Fake Occupation: Financial analyst
Fake Rando Fact: Grew up on a ranch and was the Colorado state champion bull rider
Real name: James Taylor
Real Occupation: Singer-Songwriter
Real Rando Fact: He has a tattoo of an American flag and eagle on his left arm/shoulder.
Will he last? How sweet it is to (not be) loved by you
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Ashley
Fake Occupation: Hairstylist
Fake Rando Fact: Worked for celebrity hairstylist Jonathan Antin but was fired during episode two of his Bravo reality TV series Blow Out
Real name: Luke
Real Occupation: War Veteran
Real Rando Fact: If he could be any superhero, he would be Superman, because “he’s got swag and powers.”
Will he last? No, sir.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Scotty B.
Fake Occupation: Manages bookshop/cafe in Chicago
Fake Rando Fact: Was a former child actor, best known as Beans on Even Stevens.
Real name: Brandon
Real Occupation: Hipster
Real Rando Fact: His all-time favorite book is David and Goliath, by Malcolm Gladwell, because of “how he sees challenges, advantages and disadvantages.”
Will he last? We’ve got a Goliath on our hands
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Mikey
Fake Occupation: Sports Trainer
Fake Rando Fact: Is super into China and its entire culture
Real name: Alex
Real Occupation: U.S. Marine
Real Rando Fact: The most outrageous thing he’s ever done – “Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.”
Will he last? Um, probs not?
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Jayson
Fake Occupation: Fitness Model
Fake Rando Fact: Is one of 7 kids – only boy in the bunch
Real name: Christian
Real Occupation: Telecom Consultant
Real Rando Fact: His best friend is his mom, “She is my ultimate supporter and has been there every step of the way.”
Will he last? I don’t believe in Christian’s longevity
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Tyler
Fake Occupation: Coffee Enthusiast
Fake Rando Fact: Been an extra in five episodes of Portlandia
Real name: Wells
Real Occupation: Radio DJ
Real Rando Fact: He doesn’t like pizza.
Will he last? Maybe? I’m not-so-secretly rooting for him, based on nothing.
♦♦♦
Fake Name: Nate
Fake Occupation: Product Developer
Fake Rando Fact: Doesn’t hide the fact he loves Ryan Gosling
Real name: Chad
Real Occupation: Luxury Real Estate Agent
Real Rando Fact: “All-time favorite movies – The Notebook (don’t make fun of me)”
You’ve seen #OscarsSoWhite. Last week it was #TonysSoDiverse. This week it’s #StarringJohnCho. Diversity in entertainment has been an even bigger topic than ever over the past couple of years, mainly because people are starting to speak up about how there isn’t any.
Recently, there was a lot of hullabaloo about whitewashing in two upcoming movies, with Tilda Swinton playing The Ancient One in Doctor Strange and Scarlett Johansson as the Major in Ghost in the Shell, both characters that were Asian in the original comic books. And you may remember that horrible film Aloha, in which she played Chinese-Hawaiian soldier Allison Ng. If you weren’t aware – all these ladies are white.
In response, a social media project called #StarringJohnCho was started, in an attempt to prove that Asian-Americans can be lead actors in movies too. The movement places John, arguably one of the biggest Asian actors who could actually carry a film (see: all the Star Treks), Photoshopped into other blockbuster movie posters.
You might be thinking, ok, that’s great and all, but John Cho’s not a “movie star”. Well, a recent study from USC shows that only 1% of lead roles in Hollywood films go to Asians, while 1 out of 20 speaking roles go to Asians. Statistics for John to even get a chance to be a bonafide movie star are slim.
One of my favorite quotes regarding diversity in entertainment comes from Viola Davis’ Emmys speech last year, when she straight up spit the truth in front of all of Hollywood.
“In my mind, I see a line. And over that line, I see green fields and lovely flowers and beautiful white women with their arms stretched out to me over that line. But I can’t seem to get there no how. I can’t seem to get over that line.” That was Harriet Tubman in the 1800s. And let me tell you something: The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity. You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there.”
You cannot win an Emmy for roles that are simply not there. Hollywood execs are refusing to even consider POC, because the only color they really see is green. “We can’t cast Harry Shum Jr. in the lead role because he doesn’t have a successful box office track record.” Studio execs need only look at the numbers yet again – for example, the Fast and Furious movies (while albeit a bit tedious), feature a diverse cast AND crew, and its seven movies have grossed nearly $4 billion globally. Moreover, a UCLA study even noted that films with diverse leads not only result in higher box office numbers but also higher returns of investment for studios and producers.
Not to mention the mere impact casting POC would have culturally – I talked about it when I wrote about Fresh Off The Boat, but growing up, it was slim pickings when it came to idolizing Asian-American actresses. White ladies? Sure, I can name you minimum 240. Not so much with the Asians.
ALL THIS TO SAY is that Asian actors just need to be given the chance to be in the lead. It’s not just #StarringJohnCho, it’s #StarringINSERTANYOTHERASIANACTORHERE. So in the spirit of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month (yes, that’s a real thing every May), here are just a few picks for younger actors and actresses who deserve to be in the lead just as much as any white person.
Constance Wu
If you’re not watching Fresh Off The Boat, what is wrong with you? Like, legit what kind of ailment is prohibiting you from watching one of the best, well-written, funniest, culturally important programs on the air right now? Here is just one reason why you should watch it – the matriarch of the family, Jessica Huang played by Constance Wu. Constance plays Jessica as a bit of a tiger mom, but one who also truly cares for her kids and can sit and play Mario Kart with them. This clip is just a fraction of Constance’s brilliance on the show.
Conrad Ricamora
Conrad be representing for my fellow Filipinos! He’s best known for his work in theater, including Imelda Marcos musical Here Lies Love and is currently on Broadway in the revival of The King and I. However, you might know him best as a member of Shondaland in How to Get Away With Murder. He’s only half of the best couple on the show, #Coliver. Honestly, they’re the best. Anyways, Conrad is super talented (as seen above) and has leading man good looks, so what more can you ask for?
Kimiko Glenn
You probs know Kimiko as Brooke Soso from Orange Is The New Black or her current stint on Broadway’s Waitress. However, I know her from being a creep. Fact: I saw the first national tour of Spring Awakening years ago in Boston and saw it thrice during its entire run in the city (I’ve mentioned this before but it doesn’t make it any less true). I became slightly obsessed with the show and music, of course, but also weirdly followed the touring cast on social media? It’s fine. Anyways, Kimiko was part of that cast, and during their stops across the country, the cast would hold benefit concerts, usually covering popular songs. Here’s one of those concerts and one in which Kimiko covers Jason Mraz. I’ve listened to this too many times to mention over the past few years.
Phillipa Soo
If you’re a member of Hamiltrash, I don’t even have to explain why Phillipa needs to continue being a leading lady. If you haven’t seen this precious cinnamon roll sing Copland in this Ham4Ham, drop everything you’re doing and watch it now.
Yes, this is the dude from Pitch Perfect. However, he’s also Mindy’s brother Rishi on The Mindy Project, a role I think he’s perfectly cast in. Every time he comes on screen, I can’t wait to see what ridiculous thing he’ll say and it’s Utk’s delivery is always spot on. Also as a bonus, he’s BFFZ with Lin-Manuel Miranda since they used to do Freestyle Love Surpreme (improv rap group) together. *sigh*
Ki Hong Lee
Dong!!! Ki is probs one of the millennial-era actors who’s the closest to leading man role, having not only starred in Kimmy Schmidt but also in all The Maze Runner films. And if you’re wondering, his real accent is American.
Next to Happy Endings, Trophy Wife will always go down as one of the most tragic cancellations in TV history. We were big fans of it here, and one of the main reasons was the nugget, Bert, played by Albert Tsai. He’s a natural comedian and has potential for greatness in the future. He’s already got a role on Ken Jeong’s Dr. Ken, so hopefully there’s nowhere to go but up.
Ah Lane Kim. If you’re only familiar with her work on Gilmore Girls, check out her other work in shows like Scandal and Shameless. Keiko also has a podcast called Drunk Monk, in which she and her co-host Will discuss episodes of Monk – you guessed it – while drunk. Also, she does a lot of improv in LA at Upright Citizens Brigade and is really good at it. I’m not just saying that. My friend and I accidentally saw her do improv at UCB on a total whim. And she was fantastic.
Welcome to Moo Point, a series focusing on really old scandals, controversies and mysteries that are now so culturally irrelevant that our thoughts on them are moo. Like a cow’s opinion.
If you were a theater kid, you probably both loved and hated the kids in the Broadway cast of Annie. On one hand, those lucky kids were living their dream! On the other hand, those lucky kids were living YOUR dream. I was a hardcore child theater nerd – camps, acting classes, commercial auditions, headshots, even an educational video that I hope never surfaces – but I was nothing compared to the little pros in Annie. Although the Andrea McArdles, Aileen Quinns and Sarah Jessica Parkers get most of the Annie cred, if you’re a dyed-in-the-wool millennial you probably connect the most with the 1997 Broadway Revival. And leapin’ lizards, you’re probably still ready to serve a knuckle sandwich to whoever booted tiny, talented Joanna Pacitti.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take it back … way back… to a show a surprising number of 10-year-olds were watching in 1997: Turning Point, a 20/20-type show on ABC. (In our defense, 20/20 did air right after TGIF, and how else were we supposed to learn that you can get scalped by a pool drain?) A Very Special Episode – advertised for what seemed like weeks – tracked the auditions and casting for the upcoming Broadway revival of Annie. You got to follow kids through open calls, callbacks, trying to act like they’re instantly bonded with Sandy, the crushing disappointment of rejection… and finally, the naming of a new Annie, Joanna Pacitti. Even if you wanted to resent a kid whose acting career was going better than yours, you had to admit that Joanna was a great Annie. She had the tough kid act down, but could also play sweet. She looked like she was having fun. And her rendition of Tomorrow was note-perfect.
(Rewatching the above for the first time in 20 years, I remember how appalled I was at the kids’ acting ability as a child: most auditions I went out for required a more naturalistic approach, and the Annie auditions seemed to go more for girls who ACT like THIS, with some of their WORDS IN ALL CAPS!, like the spoken interlude in a Kidz Bop song. But the girls were just giving the producers what they were looking for, so hey, those gals could read a room.)
Before the show even went to the stage, Joanna became a national phenomenon. She was on talk shows and was the talk of 5th grade classrooms everywhere. Her story became known across the country: just a regular Philly kid who got her start singing for tips at her father’s barber shop. As Annie took a roundabout route to Broadway via a national tour, Pacitti warmed hearts and gained positive reviews. In hindsight, the whole process of the 1997 Annie revival is weird: the laborious open call auditions, the reality TV-ification of casting (before “reality TV” existed as such), the national tour before the Broadway opening… it seemed almost like producers were trying to generate interest in the show that could have been accomplished by just, you know, opening a new production of Annie on Broadway. It was 1997. What were tourists going to take their 7-year-old daughters to, Rent?
Then, four weeks before the Broadway opening, the unthinkable happened. Well, unthinkable if you’re a girl who beat out thousands in a search for the new Annie: little Joanna got the ax. According to producers, the reason was concerns about Joanna’s acting ability and chemistry with Daddy Warbucks. In another statement, they said that after trying out understudies when Joanna got bronchitis, they just liked another kid better. The other kid, Brittny Kissinger, was the youngest Annie ever, a second grader carrying a Broadway show. Impressive stuff.
Still, I defer to my comment under the video – not a single one of those orphans were showing off their “acting ability.” They all did what my childhood acting teacher called “Barney acting,” shouting like an excited cheerleader hopped up on pixie sticks. Today’s viewers will know this acting style from countless Disney sitcoms. My point is, this production wasn’t going for realism in Annie’s performance, they were going for something between pep and moxie. It’s pretty hard to be bad at that, and I don’t think Joanna was. [Note: Joanna may have been a perfectly good, realistic actress in other contexts, but that doesn’t seem to be what the director wanted and that’s not what she gave him.]
What followed was a hubbub far greater than the initial casting announcement. Joanna was on Sally Jessy Raphael. She was an early guest on The Rosie O’Donnell Show, whose main platform was kids and musical theater (we both watched every day, yes). The story was in everything from Playbill to People. It even went back to Turning Point:
I mean, THIS is the girl that producers didn’t think was Annie enough to play Annie? She literally says “I’m not Annie no more.” What kid actually talks like that? Plucky orphans from the 1930s.
Then came the lawsuit. A flashy breach of contract case stirs my soul like musical theater auditions did when I was 10, so this part of the story is my jam. Joanna won a contest, and the prize of the contest was the role of Annie on Broadway. A lower court judge ruled that a Broadway role is “not comparable to other contest awards,” ergo specific performance can’t be ordered. But is there a breach? The third circuit court of appeals ruled that Pacitti had the right to have her case heard. Unfortunately for those of us who really want to know if this constitutes a breach, Macy’s settled.
As for Joanna? It’s all too tempting to say that the sun did come out. She starred in a regional production of Annie, which for a little kid is almost good enough. She still got to do what she loved. Joanna went on to pursue a pop career, and might have made a great American Idol contestant, except that the show’s legal team decided that she might have had too many ties in the entertainment industry – she was signed, at times, by both A&M and Geffen. According to her Twitter profile, these days Joanna is a singer and photographer. It comes as no surprise that the kid chosen to play resilient Annie is doing just fine after seeing the wrong side of show business – which, as they say, isn’t called show friends for a reason. My opinion may be moo by this point – the 1997 revival closed within months, – but this 90s theater kid will always argue that Joanna Pacitti was robbed.
They’re finally here: the top 1000 baby names of 2015 in the United States! What, you DON’T wait for this news all year? The standard caveats:
This is the official Social Security compilation of births registered in the US. Any of the US-based 2015 lists you saw before now were collected from baby name websites and were based on what the website users were naming their kids OR what names people were looking up, but not necessarily using.
When we talk about the “fastest rising names,” these are the ones that have made the biggest leap in the past year. Usually a few news outlets will treat the fastest rising names like they’re the most popular, even though they are given to comparatively few children. We didn’t work out the data ourselves: the lists came from the incredibleBaby Names Blog.
I don’t dislike any of these names. Except for names like Adolph or Lucifer, or that don’t follow the rules of spelling or pronunciation in any language, I don’t think there are “bad names.”
Whether you give your kid a top 10 name or a name given to only 10 kids in the whole country, whether you pick a fastest rising name or a fastest falling name, there’s a good chance they’ll grow to hate it by age 13, because 13 year olds are the worst version of humanity.
We looked at 2013 and 2014, so now, let’s examine why your kid will hate today’s fastest rising baby names of 2015 by the time they’re 13 in 2028:
Girl Names
Adaline
If you think this type of name has been popular for a while now, you’re right. There’s the super-popular Addison and its many spelling variations. There’s Adalyn, spelled myriad ways. There’s also Adeline, which is basically the same thing as Adaline, just with an E. Plus Adalie (again, spellings abound) and my personal favorite of the Ad- names, Adelaide. The result: although only Addison appears near the top of the charts, taken in total it “adds” up to a whole lot of girls with similar-sounding names. So is your Adaline (lovely name, by the way!) going to grow up annoyed that, despite your careful choice of a name that isn’t too popular or too weird, she’s one of several Addies in her Brownie troop?
In a word, no. Your irrational 13-year-old Adaline will be annoyed when, after years of begging for an American Girl doll, she receives Addy because it has her name… when she really, truly had her heart set on Josefina. Nobody ever said tweens made sense. But also, just ask any millennial which American Girl doll she wanted but never got. She’ll remember.
Alaia
Alaia follows the recent trend of liquid, vowel-packed girl names: three syllables and only a single consonant in the pack. You might not know any Alaias, but you’ve probably run into an Amaya, Anaya, Ayana, Aliyah, Amara, Aria, Ariana, Aubriana, etc etc etc. So how could a little girl grow to hate a name that’s right on-trend? By entering the world of middle school, which can turn the sweetest child into a door-slamming teen who says things like “I didn’t ask to be born” when you deny her request for Abercrombie jeans (I’m predicting that in 2028, early 2000s fashion is back and so is distressed Abercrombie low-rise denim). When she and her friends begin watching Clueless at sleepovers, her nickname quickly becomes “A-what-a.” Hey, don’t say you didn’t see it coming when your custom Instagram hashtag for her as a baby was #ThisIsAnAlaia.
Aitana
Aitana, a name I’ve never heard before, is pretty. And like Alaia, it follows the starts in A, ends in A trend. Apparently it was used by a pair of Mexican actors in 2014 and comes from the Spanish mountain range Sierra de Aitana. There’s no GOOD reason to dislike such a perfectly nice name with a beautiful origin… but there’s a bad reason, and a 13 year old will find it. How were you to know your Aitana would have an early growth spurt and furiously demand to know “why you named me after a MOUNTAIN?”
Meilani
So it turns out Meilani is not a Hawaiian name! It’s an invented variation on Melanie, and its popularity is mainly due to its use by JWoww of Jersey Shore fame. We have three options for why your Meilani will hate her name even though it’s so fun to say:
You chose the name because you liked it. No problem there. But when little Mei presses you for why you chose the name, you told her it was in honor of your honeymoon in Hawaii. Then she learns that the name isn’t Hawaiian at all… and that you honeymooned at a nearby casino. Whoops.
You named her after your sister-in-law Melanie, who is currently Meilani’s least favorite aunt.
Throughout her elementary school years, its similarity to the first lady’s name leads classmates to call her Meilani Trump. Also, Melania Trump is First Lady. So really, everyone loses in this scenario.
Aislinn
I’m a big fan of Irish names with their original spelling, and if you named your baby Aislinn, so are you. Pronounced Ash-lin, Aislinn means dream or vision and is unrelated to the name Ashley or its spinoff, Ashlynn. It’s a name so nice that you and little Aislinn won’t mind correcting people on the pronunciation… until the World’s Worst Substitute Teacher asks if “Ass-lin” is present.
Boy Names
Jonael
Talk about a fast rise: Jonael is only number 919 for 2015, but in 2013 it ranked in the nine THOUSANDS. It’s all down to a talented tot who won La Voz Kids on Telemundo. Jonael is one of those names that sounds like it could be a biblical name (it isn’t), combining the Jon of Jonah or Jonathan and the -el ending of Daniel, Nathaniel, Gabriel, and so forth. It could even be a creative way to honor a grandpa John or an uncle Michael. One little problem: history has shown us that it’s a risky proposition to name a kid after a child star. Can I get an amen from the 9-year-old Mileys out there?
Matteo
I love Matteo! More international-sounding than Matthew, but still kind of comfy and familiar. Along with Mateo, Matteo is climbing the charts. By the time your Matteo is 13, we’re down to the same problem your brother Matthew had in the 1980s: so many Matts in a single class!
Riaan
Riaan is a Hindi name, and isn’t just a weird way to spell Ryan. But tell that to the World’s Worst Substitute Teacher (see: Aislinn), who goes on a 5-minute rant about creative spellings. Or to the World’s Worst Doctor’s Office Receptionist, who insists on pronouncing it Ryan but holds the “a” for a really long time.
Note: World’s Worst Substitute Teacher is based on a woman my friend worked with who insisted on calling a student named Juan “Joo-ahn” and would not hear that that was actually a proper spelling/pronunciation of the name. These people are slowly dying off but many will still be alive in 13 years.
Adriel
What could be better than an easy to spell, easy to pronounce name that’s as old as the Bible itself? Not much! But when Adriel discovers that his character’s story is mostly confusing genealogical stuff, he just wishes you’d gone for one of the flashier characters, is all.
Kyrie
In addition to being put on the girl’s gym class list (thanks, Kylie), Kyrie is treated to rounds and rounds of “kyrie eleison” – causing the teacher to pronounce it “keer-ee-ay” instead of “ky-ree,” like basketball player Kyrie Irving. Just HAD to spring for the Catholic school, didn’t you?
It’s been nearly two weeks since Beyonce had us all bowing down to her yet again (IDK why we don’t just stay down there) with Lemonade. No one could have guessed that it would be a visual album sparking rumors of Jay Z’s infidelity, and no one most certainly could not have predicted millions of Beyhive members would be on a witch hunt for someone named Becky With The Good Hair.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned upon watching/listening to Lemonade on repeat and knowing what I know of Bey & Jay: Becky With The Good Hair doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if she’s Rachel Roy or Rita Ora or even Rachael Ray. It doesn’t matter if she’s not real. She’s a moo(t) point. The main takeaway of Lemonade shouldn’t leave us speculating who “Jay Z” cheated on “Beyonce” with. Lemonade is much more and much greater than that. It’s about strength and endurance and perseverance and Black Girl Magic, so the fact that anyone could still be speculating on who BWTGH is, is missing Beyonce’s message entirely.
And because Lemonade was so epic and unexpected, the Internet, as always, provided the best reactions to Bey’s latest masterpiece with the only way they know how – memes. I’ve gathered some of the best from the World Wide Web for your convenience. So turn up that Lemonade and sip on some tea because the Interwebz have got me saying once again, WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.
No, friends, we’re not going to do that (today). Today is all about the other shows nominated that deserve just as much attention as Hamilton. I imagine it’s bittersweet being on Broadway at the same time as a groundbreaking musical. Everyone wants a ticket to Hamilton and it’s all anyone talks about, but there are nearly 40 other shows open right now. Any one of those productions would love to see you in the audience. But it’s like when you’re up against an MVP player and you have to step up your game just to keep up. It might be a little frustrating along the way, but for the sport (Broadway) as a whole, it’s the best thing that could’ve happened.
But at the end of the day, theatre is not a competition. If anything, it’s a community. A smaller-than-you-think community of artists who support each other and cheer each other on instead of tearing each other down. It’s been an incredible year for theater in terms of the storytelling, quality production and the talent on stage, so in that spirit, we’re putting the spotlight on a few of the other shows we’re rooting for come Tony day, and the names you’ll need to know when they end up winning.
Waitress
Best Musical
Based on the 2007 movie of the same name starring Keri Russell, Waitress centers on Jenna, a waitress at a small-town diner who’s in a horrible marriage, but ends up preggo. Other affairs ensue. Waitress also made history with its all-female creative team, thanks to music & lyrics by Sara Bareilles, book by Jessie Nelson, direction by Diane Paulus, and choreography by Lorin Latarro.
I had the chance of seeing Waitress in Boston last year before it transferred to Broadway, and hearing all the positive reviews of the show didn’t do it justice in person. I laughed, I cried (way more than I expected), I left feeling like a warm blanket had swaddled itself around my heart… is that weird? This is the only show I’ve seen out of this year’s batch of nominees, and TBH, it sucks it’s up against Hamilton this year because it deserves so much recognition for making a musical out of a movie – and feeling like the movie never existed at all.
Best Original Score (Music and/or Lyrics) Written for the Theatre
I can’t express to you how good this score is, and what a masterpiece Sara Bareilles has created. I can, however, direct you to her album, What’s Inside: Songs From Waitress, which features a few select numbers from the show. This was released after the Boston run and before they opened on Broadway, and so Sara’s version includes songs cut from the final show, including one of my faves, Door Number Three. This album is still in my rotation six months after its release. Sara uses that same talent she has to tug on your heartstrings with songs like Gravity and I Choose You and incorporates that same spirit in these songs. The official Broadway cast album comes out June 10th. Mark your calendars.
Jessie Mueller (Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Musical)
Jessie Mueller, Tony winner and ethereal goddess, was the clear star of the Boston production, and she’s still the clear star in the Broadway one as well. Here she is singing the most emotional number from the show, so get a tissue ready JIC.
Other nominations: Christopher Fitzgerald (Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role in a Musical)
Eclipsed
Best Play
Written by The Walking Dead’s Danai Gurira, Eclipsed is set in 2003, near the end of the Second Liberian Civil War and tells the story of five Liberian woman and their survival against all odds. In another record for the Broadway history books, Eclipsed is the first play with not only an all-female creative team, but all-female and all-black cast as well.
Lupita Nyong’o (Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Play)
Listen, if you need to be educated on Queen Lupita, read this then go off on the Internet or watch her movies then come back. She is royalty. Royalty who is a step closer to an EGOT.
Other nominations: Pascale Armand and Saycon Sengbloh (Best Performance by an Actress in a Featured Role in a Play), Best Costume Design of a Play, Liesl Tommy (Best Direction of a Play)
Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed
Best Musical
Shuffle Along: A revue-style 1921 musical written, produced by and starring an all-black team. Shuffle Along, Or the Making of the Musical Sensation of 1921 and All That Followed: A new musical telling the story of all the challenges the Shuffle Along cast had in mounting the production, and its effect on race relations and Broadway. Stars little-known actors Tony winners such as Audra McDonald, Brian Stokes Mitchell and Billy Porter and newcomers Tony nominees Joshua Henry, Brooks Ashmanskas, Brandon Victor Dixon and Adrienne Warren.
Adrienne Warren (Best Performance by an Actress in a Featured Role in a Musical)
Shuffle Along is only Adrienne’s second Broadway show, but on Tuesday she earned her first Tony nomination. She’s one of those young actresses you know has a bright future on Broadway and beyond. And if you’re wondering why she might look familiar, she was in an episode of Orange is the New Black as a wheelchair-bound inmate who Pennsatucky attempted to “heal”. *I saw her in Lin-Manuel’s Bring It On musical and she was just as fantastic IRL.
Best Choreography
Tap dancing and Savion Glover. That is all.
Other nominations: Best Book of a Musical, Brandon Victor Dixon (Best Performance by an Actor in a Featured Role in a Musical), Best Scenic Design of a Musical, Best Costume Design of a Musical, Best Lighting Design of a Musical, Best Direction of a Musical, Best Orchestrations
She Loves Me
Zachary Levi (Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role in a Musical
Chuck is nominated for a Tony! Fun fact: Zachary replaced Ted Mosby who was originally supposed to star in the role of Georg, a perfume shop employee who is constantly at odds with co-worker Amalia. Unbeknownst to them, they’ve been secret pen pals the whole time. Sound familiar? It’s adapted from the play Parfumerie, which You’ve Got Mail (yes, with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks) is adapted from.
Laura Benanti (Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Musical)
Other nominations: Best Revival of a Musical, Best Scenic Design of a Musical, Best Costume Design of a Musical, Best Direction of a Musical, Best Orchestrations
The Color Purple
Best Revival of a Musical
I mean, you know what The Color Purple is, right? It’s the same plot as the book. And the movie. And the OG Broadway musical.
Cynthia Erivo (Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role in a Musical)
If you don’t have goosebumps and/or tears in your eyes after watching that, check your pulse, because you’re probably dead. Cause of death: Cynthia Erivo. Look out for this one, y’all.
Danielle Brooks (Best Performance by an Actress in a Featured Role in a Musical)
I don’t know what it is about Danielle Brooks but I cry anytime I think about her success. Or hear her sing. Or read an inspirational post on her Instagram. I’m so proud of her and I don’t even know her.
Other nominations: Best Direction of a Musical
Spring Awakening
Best Revival of a Musical
I admit I was a little surprised to hear Spring Awakening, featuring teens in late 19th-century Germany dealing with their sexuality, was being revived since it only closed on Broadway in 2009. But then I was totally game once I found out they were incorporating sign language and completely making the production its own. Fact: I saw the OG Spring Awakening U.S. tour thrice when it was in Boston for like, a minute. Another fact: I was a dumbass and didn’t see the revival in Los Angeles before it went up on Broadway, and am kicking myself for it. There’s supposedly another tour in talks. See ya there.
Michael Arden (Best Direction of a Musical)
Before Michael Arden earned his first Tony nomination as a director, he was known as an actor. I personally knew his name from the Off-Broadway musical Bare, but more so for this song, Run Away With Me. I don’t know how nerdy you and your friends were circa 2008, but there was a period of time when this Kerrigan & Lowdermilk song was THE JAM, and all the hot, young, theatre boys were doing their covers of it. Aaron Tveit, Jeremy Jordan, bright young high schoolers hoping for a shot of fame all uploaded their own versions of the song on the YouTube. Michael had one of my favorite takes on it, and this has nothing to do with Spring Awakening, I just want you to know he’s really talented.
Other nominations: Best Lighting Design of a Musical
Happy birthday, Rent! Jonathan Larson’s musical premiered 20 years ago today, and in that time Rent has transformed popular musical theater, changed lives, and traveled the world. It’s a testament to Jonathan Larson’s vision that this musical, set in the very specific time and place of Alphabet City in the late 80s-mid 90s, still resonates across the globe. Rent has now been performed on every continent except Antarctica (and maybe Antarctica too, if any of those research scientists are theater geeks). Today, rather than celebrating Rent’s 20th anniversary with the OBC renditions we’ve loved since we were way too young to understand them, we’re taking a look at how Rent has been adapted and translated to reach audiences worldwide.
Rent, Japan
After Rent debuted on Broadway, it quickly became a hit sensation. Producers decided to capitalize on its success by bring the musical to different cities around the world. A mere two years later, Rent opened in Japan, at the height of Rent-mania. Here we see truly contemporary scenes, including an Asian Joanne wearing fake dreads like her African-American counterpart, and it may or may not be cultural appropriation. I find it funny that Japanese words tend to be English words but just said differently, or when you just hear a rando English word like, “headline” news, “Trick-or-Treat” and of course “RENT!”
Fun fact: for a quick second at the beginning of the clip, you see an older gentleman with glasses – that is Al Larson, father of Jonathan Larson. To this day, he goes to as many Rent productions around the world as he can, acting as a representation for his late son and their family.
One Song Glory, Norway
I’d like to preface this by saying I’m still not sure if this is a high school production or not, but either way, this Roger isn’t exactly as strong as Adam Pascal. With all these international versions I find myself translating it into English and thinking I’m fluent in whatever language it’s in. Finna = Find in Norwegian!
Light My Candle, Greece
It’s clear that hundreds, maybe even thousands, of pretty women have gotten the chance to play Mimi Marquez, and in Greece, she was played by this gal, who I sincerely think is great and one of the better foreign singers I’ve heard so far. Words I understood: Papou (all thanks to Full House and the passing of Papouli).
Tango Maureen, Brasil
For the Tango Maureen, why would we look anyplace other than Latin America? (Okay, Argentina would have been ideal, but it sounds good in Portuguese). Language aside, Joanne seems so different in this production that it’s worth watching. Also, how is sunny, warm Brazil the only production to nail cold-weather clothing?
Out Tonight, Germany
*FYI the sound is really bad on this, so don’t put it on max vol!* Is it me or does Out Tonight just sound slightly aggressive in German?
I’ll Cover You, Korea
I don’t know what I was expecting, but it sure wasn’t Angel and Collins being exactly the same, but Korean. Remember in The Simpsons where there’s alternate universe Maggie with the unibrow? That’s what it feels like. Equally adorable, in any language or continent.
La Vie Boheme, Spain
Including a Spanish production was a no-brainer, since that was my major in college and I spent almost 5 months in Madrid. But here’s a little secret: this song is like 50% people’s names and foods and you could translate this into English with a year of junior high Spanish. It still really, really works in Spanish though.
Seasons of Love, Cuba
Seasons of Love is already a beautiful song, but when it’s sung in a literal romantic language, it just makes it that more beautiful. And emotional. I’m not crying, you’re crying.
Without You, Montreal
I don’t know about you all, but when I think heartbreak, I think French. You know how some songs sound just wrong in other languages – the meter or the generally feel is just off? Somehow, Rent sounds great in almost every language, but this one is especially nice in French.
Like any successful project with a rabid fan base, there’s a desire, and maybe even more so now, an expectation for additional installments (see: all the Fast & Furious movies, Arrested Development, Gilmore Girls, Prison Break, for some reason). Same rang true for Rent. In the years following, a Rent movie had always been a topic of discussion and the OG cast members were always asked when a movie was going to happen. And nearly 10 years after Rent debuted in 1996, a big screen adaptation of the blockbuster musical finally premiered in the fall of 2005.
It was received with mixed reviews from fans and critics, so we decided to re-watch the film and get to the bottom of why it was loved by some and hated by others. Conclusion:
Question: Why isn’t Daphne Rubin-Vega in this again?
T: I could look up the politics of this again but I don’t remember why Daphne Rubin-Vega was replaced with Rosario Dawson? Because she’s too “old”? She’s “not hot enough”? They needed a “movie star”?
M: I was thinking about this while driving the other day (secondary theme of the week: we are not cool). I decided she was working on another project at the time, which may be a lie. (OK, looked it up: she was pregnant.) Either way, Mimi is harder than all of the other characters to play 10 years after the musical premiered, because it is the only one saddled with a very specific, very young age (19, looks 16). Which brings me to:
Concern: Everyone Is Old
M: I’m no spring chicken, so that’s not an insult. But all of the OBC actors are a decade older than they were when they were cast in the musical, and it is central to the plot that these are vibrant idealists in the prime of life. It still works, and I will gladly suspend disbelief to see this many original cast members reprise their breakout roles. But the characters read different when they look like urban professionals in their 30s. I can tell you that at almost 30, my response to almost every situation in Rent, were it to happen in my real life, would be “I am too damn old for this.”
T: And for me, what was weird that I thought some of them looked younger than I thought they were when I watched it a decade ago. So young-looking old people playing the role of 1990s “millennials” is what this film features.
Concern: December 24 … 1989?
M: This was controversial when the movie came out (controversial for those of us who are too invested in film adaptations of musicals, anyway). The musical was set in the present day (at first) and as time wore on, around the era when it was released: the mid-90s. 1989 was when Jonathan Larson began his work on it. I’m not sure why this decision was made. Is it because in 2005, it was hard to conceive of a 90s period piece? Or because 1989 feels more like peak AIDS crisis? Because Mimi would look adorable in 80s clothes?
Anyway. There are some scenes where it doesn’t really work – cyber cafes were SO 90s, and I feel like we didn’t start talking about the end of the millennium until the mid 90s – but I don’t mind it too much. I’m mostly amazed at how they created a gritty version of the New York of 1980s Sesame Street eps.
Comment: IMDb makes me smart
T: Fun fact: There are two v notable names listed as executive producers of this project: Robert De Niro (of Robert De Niro) and Jeffrey Seller, who produced small hits such as Avenue Q, In The Heights and Hamilton, a show we never talk about, ever.
Comment: Tune Up #1
T: I actually like how they turned Tune Up #1 into Mark’s speaking monologue so it doesn’t come off as too “musical-y” but for the Rent-heads out there, I’m sure you found it just as hard not singing along to it. This is a choice they make throughout the movie, and for the most part, I think it’s smart. But at times it just sounds like they’re doing some sort of sing-songy slam poetry.
M: Plus, it keeps the movie from being 3 hours long. Source: church is always longer when the priest sings all of the talk-y bits instead of speaking them.
Concern: I now identify with Benny more than anyone else.
M: Benny realized that he’s 28 (made up age), married Allison Hendrix Gray, and acknowledged that in America, at the end of the millennium, you gotta collect rent on the building you own that’s gonna be prime real estate in 15 years. What happened to his heart? It’s the Bush I era and a man’s gotta make a buck.
But maybe I’m just saying that because Taye Diggs is a beautiful, beautiful man and he is KILLING IT in You’ll See.
T: I momentarily seethed when he started to speak the lines from You’ll See in fear we wouldn’t get to hear him sing the one song that’s his in the entire show.
Comment: Oh Benny
Benny rolls up to Alphabet City in his Range Rover and is immediately surrounded by protesting tenants angrily singing Rent to him. Rough start.
Comment: I love Angel.
M: Wilson Jermaine Heredia plays Angel with the perfect mix of humor, life, and too-good-to-be-true kindness. Angel/Collins is one of my favorite musical couples.
Comment: Can I get a light
T: I understand the point is that the power blows but it’s darker than How to Get Away With Murder up in here.
M: Like when we were watching Cheers, I had to adjust my set because half of the background is just black blobs with the occasional string of Christmas lights. Mimi says our eyes will adjust.
Comment: April looks like a young Poehler + Gillian Anderson
M: And everyone looks 200% more 80s in the flashbacks. Just how long ago was that supposed to be?
Concern: Did Rosario Dawson miss her musical calling?
How did Rent effect Rosario Dawson’s potential musical theater career?? JK.
Comment: Mimi’s junkie makeup is really effective.
M: That might sound like faint praise but I mean it – she looks strung out and feverish but not in a gross way?
Concern: I now identify with Mark more than anyone else.
Mark, talking about his parents’ laborious message on the answering machine: “There are times when we’re dirt broke, hungry, and freezing, and I ask myself, why the hell am I still living here? And then they call. And I remember.”
T: Same, Mark. Same.
Concern: When the characters are in their late 30s they just sound like people who talk too much about brunch.
M: E.g., Mark says to Collins “so that’s why you could afford to splurge on us” and it sounds like nothing so much as two guys discussing who’s buying the mimosas this week.
Comment: Angel’s entrance
T: But can you just imagine meeting someone like for the first time like this? Comes in dancing and singing with a plastic pickle tub about killing a random woman’s dog? I’d be like WHO IS THIS PERSON
M: Is Angel on coke? Because that is not a normal human energy level. Also also, believe it or not, Angel in Rent is when I first learned about using the pronouns people choose for themselves, because it was 1996 and I was 9.
Comment: I truly love Tracie Thoms
T: I’m fine with not bringing back Fredi Walker – Tracie is a better match chemistry wise with Idina.
M: Yes. Fredi Walker isn’t at all matronly, but her Joanne was more staid and mature, which made Maureen seem even more like a attention-seeking kid.
Comment: Tango Maureen hotness
T: I’m v into Joanne serving business chic & Idina serving tango dancer hotness.
M: I love how the dialogue about how Mark vs Joanne learned to dance shows, in two lines, exactly what kind of upper middle class kid each was.
Comment: They nailed Joanne’s 80s businesswoman attire.
Jheri curl, wide short tie, suspenders, statement earrings. It works.
Comment: Mighty Ducks meets Gilmore
As mentioned the other day in our Dream Cast post, there are two people of note in Life Support – Wayne Wilcox (Marty from Gilmore Girls) and Aaron Lohr (D2 & D3: Mighty Ducks and Newsies), two people from your youth you definitely didn’t expect to be in the Rent movie.
Question: Are New York/Pittsburgh exotic dancer scenes different?
When I watched Flashdance for the first time, I learned stripping in Pittsburgh during the 80s involved Japanese Kabuki, and apparently exotic dancing in New York in the early ’90s
Question: Will I?
T: How many of y’alls tried getting your friends to sing Will I in a round like this be honest
M: Just another Friday night in high school with the theater kids, hanging out in a basement rec room singing about “will I lose my dignity.”
Comment: The homeless woman is the voice of all of us watching Rent after our idealist phase has ended.
“Hey artist? Got a dollar. Didn’t think so.”
Question: Anyone else wanna hand out hand sanitizer after Santa Fe?
Everyone’s hands are ALL OVER the subway railings. (I remember being on the subway with a drunk friend in college who insisted on doing weird flips like Collins, and I was like okay, I’ll be at the end of the car pretending something’s happening on my phone BYE)
Question: What is Computer Age Philosphy (Actual Reality)?
T: I truly have no idea.
Question: Why are these two the cutest?
M: I’m going to go ahead and call I’ll Cover You the most adorable duet in musical history … even if this relationship is moving crazy fast. If you’re Jesse L. Martin or Wilson Jermaine Heredia, and you meet someone as cute as you are, you don’t let that pass you by.
Collins: Are we a thing?
Angel: Darling… we’re everything!
Why did they take that line out?!?!
T: Fun fact: This version of I’ll Cover You used to be my ringtone. I was the coolest.
Concern: The Rent/Hamilton effect
T: Roger says “Look around!” and I immediately continued sing, “look around, how lucky we are to be alive right now!” Ah the irony of being obsessed with a musical which was in part influenced by the musical you’re watching.
Question: How does Maureen have this many fans
M: Yeah, but not counting the homeless, how many tickets weren’t comped?
Comment: This shot of Idina
Actually, no comment at all.
Question: What do you think the crowd at the performance space smells like?
M: Me, I think weed, cigarettes, those alternative deodorants that don’t work.
I love how Angel proves they can pay for dinner this time by flashing him a folded bill
Question: How does Benny think he’s going to “break ground in mid-January”?
Shit’s frozen.
Comment: Viva La Vie Boheme
Just for once I’d like to act out this scene in a legit production. Not even the whole show, just this scene. They have fun.
M: Seconded.
LOL Mark’s solo dance – I’ve never related so much to him. Except all the other times.
M: OH LORD get me a gif of Mark in that moment and project it onto my tombstone.
Concern: I almost fast-forwarded through Seasons of Love because it’s too sad.
M: Lest you think a 20-year-old musical can’t move me anymore, I almost start crying at Seasons of Love. Goal: all 2+ hours of this, no tears.
T: I mean, fair. The line, “How do you figure a last year on earth?” like, stop it.
M: I’m also noticing that Seasons of Love is very obviously the song they included to be a breakout hit. Like, “okay, we need one song in a basic pop structure with no swearing or weird sex stuff in it so we can go on the Rosie show.”
Comment: All Angel all the time pls
After a night of celebrating New year’s Eve, the gang arrives back at their building only to find a padlock on the door. Angel swiftly grabs a trash can to knock it off, and after she triumphs, an equally inebriated Collins asks, “You gonna put that trash can back?” and a definitely not drunk Angel replies, “No”. The best delivery.
Comment: I FORGOT SARAH SILVERMAN IS IN THIS
M: I forgot both that she was in it and that she was SO GOOD as a cold businessperson.
Concern: For Mark’s overall wellbeing
T: Proposing (to your girlfriend) in front of your ex(boyfriend) is a ballsy move, Maureen. I just can’t get over how much I am Mark.
M: Me too. I am Mark in the same ways that I am Chandler.
Question: Exactly how long have Maureen and Joanne been together?
M: Because Collins didn’t know Mark and Maureen had broken up, and Joanne and Mark just met, but apparently Maureen and Joanne are engaged.
T: U-Hauls, amirite?
Comment: Maureen’s kind of a bitch
“Every single day I walk down the street. I hear people say ‘Baby’ so sweet… There will always be women in rubber.” Maureen… calm down.
Comment: Benny and Mimi
T: I still don’t get how characteristically, Benny would want to date Mimi? He seems super pretentious ever since he moved out of Alphabet City, and looks down on everyone who lives there.
Concern: Without You is a lot more graphic in the film adaptation
M: We are treated to Mimi’s delirium tremens (I think?), the ever-shrinking support group, Angel’s scary looking fever, hospitalization, drug buying, strip clubs, all that. I’m just going to go ahead and say I can never tell when people are supposed to be sick from drugs stuff vs AIDS stuff. Anyway. Without You is like the opposite of those montages of people having wacky fun and falling in love.
Question: Will I be able to make it through the I’ll Cover You Reprise without crying?
Comment: No. And ugly crying at that.
M: At least Traci cried vs me, who just fast-forwarded through the whole funeral. I know I said I am a Chandler, but I have a strong Joey Tribbiani “book in the freezer” mentality for stuff I don’t want to see.
T: Like Hannah Horvath, I am a glutton for pain. We’re just a blog about comparing ourselves to fictional characters now.
Comment: I am Mark reason #1094
T: Mark says, “Come on guys chill” during Goodbye Love when everyone is fighting. Excuse me while I go find a vintage videocamera and start documenting my friends’ terrible love lives.
Question: You know what I miss?
Using yuppie as an insult. (NB, I am technically a yuppie now? )
Question: How many times do you think Anthony Rapp & Adam Pascal have had to sing What You Own in their lifetime?
Approx a million.
Comment: I am Mark reason #1095
“Dive into work, drive the other way.” Me too, Mark. Me too.
Concern: Everytime I hear the phone ring i have a Pavlov dog’s response to getting up to answer the landline
Comment: Your Eyes
You Eyes, a mediocre song at best, is not a song Roger should be singing to Mimi on her “deathbed”. Like I know this scene is sad and everyhting, but this song would not be the last one I’d want to hear. ever
Question: What disease is Mimi having?
Is this AIDS? Hypothermia? Drug overdose? Picturesque yet vague musical theater malady?
Comment: I reflexively sing all of the lines in my head that they’re speaking here.
e.g., I rewired the ATM at the food emporium to provide an honorarium to anyone with the code.
Question:You know what I didn’t account for during rent week?
Cookies + Sangria 