Here’s a bit of 90s nostalgia you never hear about: Christmas decorations. That’s because holiday decor of the 1990s, like holiday fashion and holiday television, was delightfully cheesy. In this, the Let’s All Decorate Christmas Special, let’s look back at the Yuletide decor of the 1990s. Then next week, you can revisit 90s Christmas decorations all over again when you visit your parents who are still displaying the ornaments of your youth.
Ceramic Tree With Half Of The Bulbs Missing
For a 20-year period, everyone had one aunt who took a ceramics class where she painted and glazed a Christmas tree. You probably lost most of the bulbs within a decade (especially if you had cats). The “classy” ones were frosted white.
Lights Hung Inside The Windows Because You Didn’t Have An Outdoor Outlet
Outdoor electric outlets certainly existed in the 90s – but more homes hadn’t added them yet, so you saw a lot more lights strung up inside the windows. We’ve come full circle: I don’t have an outlet at the front of my house, so I hang twinkling fairy lights inside my windows.
Giant Bulbs
We are all Chandler Bing. At some point in the 1990s the tiny lights took over, but the big ones are sort of back in a retro way now.
Slow-Moving Animatronic Santa
Even at the turn of the millennium, our technology wasn’t really *all there* yet. It took us 5 minutes to sign on to the Internet and our cell phones were as big as kittens. These slow, jerky electronic Santas were pretty high-tech for the time. Also they looked like they were about to launch into a really awesome break dancing performance at any time.
Aerosol Spray Snow
I was never allowed to have spray paint snow, in part because my mom didn’t want to clean it up and in part because I lived in a city that gets 100 inches of annual snowfall. Still, these aerosol cans of “snow” were all the rage. Some people stenciled elaborate snow scenes, but most just frosted the bottom quarter of their windows and called it a day.
Precious Moments Nativity
Reignite THIS 90s trend, teenaged Tumblr hipsters! Precious Moments, deformed cartoon children who loved Jesus, were popular in middle class homes in the 90s. Somehow I ended up with a hand-me-down set, so just like suburbanites in 1991 I can reflect on these two weird-looking kids who have a baby.
Country Angels
My requisite Grandma Who Was Into Crafting loved making angels … which are now part of my Christmas decoration stash because somebody decided I should have them. There’s a crepe-y one in “country blue,” a doll-like one with a raffia head, a puffy squat plush one, and a gingham-dressed doll with straw hair. Country Angels were the Yuletide companion to those damned country geese. If your mom decorated in powder blue and “dusty rose” and hung quilts on the wall, she probably had a country angel or two to herald the birth of the Baby Jesus.
Those Big Plastic Santas and Snowmen
Before those blow-up decorations burst onto the scene, these big plastic Santas and Snowmen were the in thing. Of course, if you were really into the *reason for the season* you probably had this bad boy:
Ceramic Ornaments You Painted Yourself
Every year as a child, I looked forward to a craft day spent meticulously painting these ceramic ornaments. And every year as an adult, I regret keeping so many terribly painted ornaments from my childhood (turns out kids aren’t actually meticulous).
A Village From Yesteryear
There are still plenty of collectors of Christmas villages, they were just bigger in the 90s. These elaborate villages were complete with cottony snow and tiny carolers. I thought they were awesome, but also sort of a tease because it was a whole set of cool toys that you weren’t allowed to play with.
Christmas villages were usually set somewhere in the 19th century, but has it been long enough that we can have a 1990s Christmas village? Because THAT is something I’d collect.
A Big Victorian Angel
Another thing that technically still exists, but has been phased out by most decorators of our generation. Nowadays people choose stars, less-fluffy angels, conceptual tree-toppers, or nothing at all.
Hess Trucks
I never got the connection between Christmas and Hess Trucks, but some people not only bought them every year (normal) but also displayed them every Christmas (okay).
Collectibles From A Fast Food Place
Fast food glassware is a thing of the past, but in the 90s you could go to Burger King or McDonald’s and obtain a set of Christmas cups or plates. Happy Meal toys could even be called into decorating service:
Yuletide Troll Dolls
I don’t know why we liked trolls so much, but we did – and even adults incorporated them into their holiday decor. There were plush trolls that a child could cuddle on Christmas Eve, too.
Holiday Beanie Babies
Now, everybody knew that the special holiday beanies were more “valuable” so you had to treat these gingerly if you wanted to sell them for big money in 20 years (oops).
A Christmas Barbie
I had friends whose moms collected the annual holiday Barbie. It was usually wearing some kind of swanky gown and displayed with pride in a mirrored curio cabinet.
A Porcelain Doll Dressed Like She’s From The 1800s
They always looked like a cross between a ghost and a rich girl from a Charles Dickens novel.
A Stuffed Bear In Outerwear
I just learned that K-Mart released Christmas bears every year, so I guess that’s where everyone was getting these from in the 90s.
We’ve written about our comedy deity numerous times on the blog before – the queens that are Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Instead of writing about how much we adore and look up to these wonderfully smart, talented, confident women before their BLOCKBUSTER movie Sisters comes out on Friday (against Star Wars – #YouCanSeeBoth), let’s talk about the person who is responsible for bringing our First Ladies back together, the writer of Sisters, Paula Pell.
totally normal, casual photo
For comedy nerds, Paula and her impressive career shouldn’t be news to you. But for those who aren’t as geeked as us, here’s a brief intro to this hilarious human. Paula’s first big break was in the mecca itself, Saturday Night Live. She started as a writer in 1995 and continued working there until 2013, but she occasionally writes a few sketches here and there (and rumor has it she might be returning this weekend when Tina & Amy double up as hosts!). But more on SNL later.
Paula’s writing has spanned into her own webseries Hudson Valley Ballers, and she was hired by Judd Apatow to tweak, or “punch-up” the scripts for Bridesmaids and This Is 40. Plus she’s a great follow on Twitter.
On screen, you might remember her as Ron Swanson’s mom, Tammy Zero, on Parks and Rec:
or Pete Hornberger’s problematic wife Paul on 30 Rock:
But back to SNL. In her nearly 20 year tenure at the show, she wrote some of the most iconic sketches in the show’s history, and you’ve probably quoted her lines at least one point in your life.
Starting with the most recent, she returned for the SNL 40th Anniversary special, joining forces with longtime SNL writer/producer & Tonight Show announcer Steve Higgins and Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake for the musical journey through SNL history in the cold open:
And Paula’s work was mentioned multiple times throughout that song, since he work is so prevalent in SNL history. Here are just some of the sketches she’s written throughout the years. If you like any of these, you’ll probably like Sisters too. #YouCanSeeThemBoth.
Bobbi and Marty Culp
I remember truly getting into SNL when I was in 6th grade, when the main players included folks like Will Ferrell, Tracy Morgan, Tim Meadows, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, etc. Needless to say, it was a solid time for the show. During this era was a sketch featuring The Culps, a husband and wife team of music teachers and frequent random school assembly performers. Their shtick was to cover “hip” pop tunes but still sing it in a ridiculous way, and still to this day, sketches like The Culps and a few below have special places in my heart that feel like a warm hug.
Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri’s over enthusiastic and under qualified Spartan cheerleaders are two of the most recognizable and beloved characters to come out of SNL, and Paula helped bring them to life. She and Will and Cheri would write all the sketches together, and Paula has even said their late-night sessions even led to Will taking off his shirt in delusion. Oh to be in those offices. For the genius in the making – not shirtless Will Ferrell. To be clear.
Paula helped create possibly Rachel Dratch’s most memorable role as the depressing Debbie Downer who just could not catch a break. Years later, I feel like the term “Debbie Downer” is still used in regular vocabulary to describe anyone who is just downright miserable. Which I think is ironic, seeing as how Debbie Down only brings us joy to our lives. Plus, I will still watch that classic Lindsay Lohan episode every few months.
In 2003, Justin Timberlake was coming off ‘N Sync and setting himself apart as a solo artist. But when he signed up to host SNL for the first time, he also had to prove his acting and comedic chops. Little did we know he blew us all away and went on to become a member of the prestigious Five-Timers host club. In that very first ep he hosted in ’03 when he knocked it out of the park, he did a sketch called Omeletteville, in which he dressed up as a giant omelette in order to promote a nearby breakfast restaurant. His rival? Chris Parnell, dressed as bacon and eggs and also keen on getting customers into his diner. The sketch was such a hit, that JT has gone back to do it five more times, including visits to Homlessville, Wrappinville, Veganville, Liquorville, and more.
Paula’s sketch featured the emergency room where redneck folks who got into redneck medical issues would go to be healed. I feel like this sketch was so odd and obscure and weird and off-kilter that it was brilliant.
Paula continued her streak of writing iconic characters for cast members with Gilly, A mischievous schoolgirl with an afro and questionable facial expressions played by Kristen Wiig. The initial unassumingness of Gilly, the use of repetition, and Kristen’s natural comedic talent make this such a great character, and Paula is the one to credit.
Like most tv movies, Coat of Many Colors left us with a few questions, a handful of concerns, and a whole lot to say. Airing on NBC last night, it was a two-hour sugar-fest as Dolly Parton told a childhood tale of this one coat she had. And I loved it.
Comment: Dolly Parton + Red Sequins + A Sleigh + Dollywood = Christmas Magic
Dolly opens the movie wearing a sequined dress and sitting in a sleigh in Dollywood. That might be the merriest thing I’ve seen all season. By the way, when I was a kid I thought Dolly was way older than she is (even though she looks great). It’s because I interpreted her platinum hair as white, and also because being from the Northeast, I’ve only ever known very old ladies to have that kind of sculpted, sprayed-out hair and heavy makeup. But again: Dolly looks wonderful. .
Question: Did Baby Dolly really trot up the aisle at church wearing clownish makeup and singing?
They’re retroactively making Baby Dolly act just like Sassy Adult Dolly. She even quips that she wants to go to heaven but doesn’t want to “look like hell to get there.” Dolly fans will remember that story about how she saw a heavily made-up woman as a child, and told her mother that’s what she wanted to look like. “That woman’s trash,” her mother replied. “That’s what I’m gonna be when I grow up, trash!” Dolly said. The whole thing sounds more like a funny story an adult would make up, or a Family Circus comic, but whatever. It’s a cute origin story.
Comment: This Baby Dolly actress is adorable. Oh my goodness. And she’s great!
Face it, a lot of child actors are working just because they’re cute, can read lines fairly convincingly, and they aren’t awful to work with. But this girl is adorable and she can ACT. I know 8-year-olds. Most of them could never do this. Her name is Alyvia Alyn Lind; remember it.
Concern: Can this family support another kid?
Dolly is excited about getting a new sibling, but seemingly has dozens already. They’re like blonde, southern Weasleys. I’d say Muggle Weasleys, but we all know that Dolly is magic. (I looked it up, by the way. Dolly had 11 siblings and obviously it worked out just fine for her).
Comment: Dolly’s mom compliments each kid when she prays before dinner.
I don’t even care if it’s not true, that’s beautiful and something I’d do if I had kids. A lot of people complain about the modern ‘everybody gets a prize, everybody is special’ parenting, but if you let kids know what’s wonderful about them they’ll always remember to let those qualities shine.
Question: Will this end with a Christmas scene? I may not be able to deal with that.
Spoiler: it doesn’t, unless you count Dolly in that sleigh again.
Comment: This sequence after Dolly’s brother dies is ROUGH.
Dolly’s baby brother dies and adult Dolly takes over singing. Props to little Alyvia for keeping up with a duet with Dolly Parton. However, if this movie doesn’t pick up after baby Larry dies, I’m going to have to change the channel.
Comment: Jennifer Nettles, everybody.
She’s great! As is Ricky Schroeder, who I didn’t recognize at first but should have due to his trademark twinkling blue eyes.
Question: She’s going to turn the dead baby’s blanket into a coat for Dolly, right?
Right. Dolly is really excited to be the first person to wear it. I’d say that was sad, but as a kid my wardrobe was like 80% hand-me-downs, 10% school uniforms, 10% new, so I feel that.
Concern: I’ve gotten so into this movie that I’m starting to think Willadene and Dolly are pretty cute names.
When I first started at my job, a copy-editor addressed a whole bunch of queries to me as Dolly instead of Molly. I thought it was the cutest mistake ever.
Comment: MAN SCREW THOSE KIDS laughing at Dolly’s coat.
Her coat is beautiful and all their brown clothes suck. They’re like Garbage Pail Kids. Or the Herdmans (Best Christmas Pageant Ever? Anyone?).
Concern: There is an hour left and the only thing to resolve is whether or not Dolly will feel good about her new coat.
And I guess whether her dad will start to like church.
Question: Why don’t we like that girl Judy? She seems nice.
There’s some reason we don’t like the Ogles (the Garbage Pail Kids/ Herdmans) but I must have been out of the room. Anyway, apparently Judy is still Dolly’s BFF, which is precious.
Comment: I just got really excited when I realized Dolly’s dad was probably going to start going to church and become wonderful.
Concern: How will they fit Jolene into this?
Comment: Dolly cuts school to put on makeup at a department store. Dolly, you little scamp.
Comment: “I’ve got a little, shriveled up black heart” – Baby Dolly, expressing my worst fears about myself to be totally honest.
But she doesn’t, of course. Dolly is full of love. Do you all know about Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library? Get acquainted. Rumor has it she gives a TON of her money away to other causes too, but it is mostly anonymous.
Question: Can you do big confessions of love at Church like that?
Dolly’s parents have one of those romantic public confession of love scenes — in the middle of church. Can you do that? I grew up Catholic and for us, the answer is definitely no.
It seems like everything from the 80s and 90s is getting a revival these days – from Full House to The X Files to Jem and the Holograms (although that didn’t go so well). There’s a rush of nostalgia going on right now, but it seems different to us millennials because it actually pertains to us. Instead of wearing 70s-inspired bell bottoms when we were in 7th grade, now we’re the ones who are rocking daisy print baby dolls dresses and jelly shoes. Yeah, I feel old too.
In addition to fashion and entertainment, kids’ toys also somehow make a comeback, with things like Easy-Bake Ovens (which are weirdly futuristic looking now) and Puppy Surprises reappearing. In fact, the Puppy Surprise, you know that stuffed animal that’s holding an unknown number of baby puppies in its velcro sack, made a return last year, and it was so popular that the company had to stop airing commercials because the demand was so high.
Easy-Bake Ovens and Puppy Surprises may have been coveted in the 90s for Christmas, but they’re just as coveted in 2015, too. To make you feel even older, here are a bunch of other toys from our childhood that I would’ve died for as a tot. Or maybe wouldn’t even be mad about seeing under the Christmas tree as an adult.
Talkboy/Talkgirl
We can all thank Home Alone 2: Lost in New York for this gem. The one Kevin McAllister uses was only a prop, but a letter-writing campaign by young fans begging for a real version to be made was launched, and a year after the movie came out, Tiger Electronics finally made a real one and it became one of the most wanted toys for Christmas. Not to brag or anything, but I totally had one. Not even the Talkgirl – the OG silver version. I wasn’t as cool as Kevin.
Sally Secrets Doll
I was one of those weird kids that loved those invisible ink books or having things that had secret compartments, so the Sally Secrets doll was a GD dream. In her shoes, there was a stamp and stamp pad, by pressing a button, stickers would come out of her belt. Genius. That’s why her body is so thick – it’s full of secrets.
Moon Shoes
Is the rise and popularity of NASA in the 90s a direct correlation to the necessity of Moon Shoe toys and grand prize winnings to go to Space Camp from Nickelodeon game shoes?
Tamagotchi
I’m not gonna lie to you guys. It’s the holidays. I not only had one Tamagotchi – I had two. AND a GigaPet. AND I held them all on this super cool, trendy, not nerdy at all red Brine lanyard. Honestly, how did I make it through my youth?
Talkback Dear Diary
Like the Tamagotchi and Talkboy, I’m starting to realize that the trend for 90s toys was primitive technology. The era was when we, as a world culture, were getting into things like the Internet and computers instead of typewriters. So when we upgraded from paper diaries to electronic diaries, it was a huge deal. And one that had a recording device on it? Forget it.
Teddy Ruxpin
Anyone can tell you that if you had a Teddy Ruxpin, you were one lucky kid. I feel like these talking bears were super expensive, and a lot of that had to do with the cassette tapes that came with it. Too many accessories. But did anyone else find him creepy? No? Just me?
Pogs
Story time: In 1995 (20 YEARS AGO HOLY CRAP), I spent my Christmas with my family in the Philippines for the first time ever. Like any nine year old, my memories of this vacation is fairly vague, with a few standout moments in my brain. One of them is opening presents my parents (or Santa?) brought with them from America for me to open in the Philippines. One of which was a Pog maker, as seen in the well-made commercial above. Looking back on it, I must have seemed like the spoiled American to all my cousins who were like, “What is this product? I got a shirt from Santa.” Like, what a douche.
Hit Clips
Here we are again with the primitive technology – except maybe Hit Clips were more of a Kidz Bop version of teens and their CDs. I had both the portable clip and the boom box, and only like 3 songs (2 BSB, 1 Britney) and if I’m remembering correctly, they didn’t even play the whole song? Or there was an option to only play a ‘clip’? IDK all I know is that it’s still in my bedroom at home, even though they don’t work anymore.
Sky Dancers
“Fly for me, just for me… Come to me, dance for me, Skydancers fly for me!” Why are these girls so demanding??
It’s time for our third annual recap of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, and God, they just keep getting younger.
Segment #1: My Eyeballs Hurt
The first segment begins with a series of flashing lights replicating the moment you slip from earth into all that lies beyond. Or, you know, maybe it’s supposed to look like camera flashes.
FRINGE IS IN. Magazines, shop windows, and that one coworker have been warning me about this development for months. It’s just that that’s a whole lot of dry clean only.
It feels like once every 5 or so years, fashion magazines try to tell us that wearing a single dangly earring on purpose is a thing to do. You look at worst like a pirate, and at best like someone who lost an earring. Anyway, Behati Prinsloo can pull it off but that means nothing for the rest of us.
Okay, this lighting GENUINELY hurts my eyes. Like when you check your phone in the middle of the night.
I was very proud to recognize a Kardashian-Jenner! I know the youngest two by sight but can never tell which is Kylie and which is Kendall. I feel like there’s one we’re meant to like more than the other, right? Also: Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, looking proud.
KENDALL.
I think I just don’t like fringe.
I’m not sure I knew that’s what Ellie Goulding looked like.
Someone is wearing Totally Hair Barbie pattern (my personal favorite Barbie, c. 1991).
Behind The Scenes #1: We’re A Rainbow Made Of Children
Anyone remember that song? Catholic school thing?
In any case, the VS brass tell us that the show is “very global” because there are models from everywhere!
It’s like Donald Trump’s nightmare except we know that it’s not.
Segment #2: Angelica! Eliza! And Peggy.
The Weeknd has a coat on and the models are in underwear. For the the first of many times, I worry about everyone’s temperature regulation. The curse of being an always-freezing person is that I’m always worried that everyone else is freezing, too. I’ve even started carrying extra gloves and socks to give to homeless people, and I can assure you that they are not that interested and would prefer some money, thanks.
The theme of this segment is like a Sexy Schuyler Sister.
That is: Maria Reynolds.
Apologies to Anne Shirley: these gals are sporting the puffiest of puffed sleeves, too.
Behind The Scenes #2: So It Turns Out Models Like Photographs
Now they’re all talking about their favorite hobby, taking selfies. Which is like a chill version of their job.
“Instagram is very important to me” – shit beautiful people say.
I can’t help but notice all the gorgeous eyebrows. Eyebrows, eyebrows everywhere! All us translucent-colored, faint-eyebrowed folks are just waiting for the pendulum to swing back to small brows – not because you all don’t look great, but because giant eyebrows are physically impossible for us.
Segment #3: Fly Abandonedly Into The Sun
I can’t say anything bad about all of these beautiful butterfly wings. And frankly, I don’t even want to know anybody who COULD say anything bad about them. It’s a dark, cold world and dammit, we need more bedazzled butterfly wings.
When I was in Kindergarten, you secured a part in the graduation play by having your parents sign a slip saying what role you wanted. It was first come/first serve. All the girls wanted to be the butterfly. I said I wanted to be the worm because I knew the butterfly would be taken (and I couldn’t bear being in the chorus). It’s been 24 years and my mother still laments that I graduated kindergarten in a brown jumpsuit. Point is: butterfly wings are great but they aren’t EVERYTHING and sometimes you gotta be the worm.
I mentally referred to some over-the-knee boots as “hip waders” which is probably the most upstate thing I’ve ever done.
Behind The Scenes #3: In Which Shit Gets Real
The models explain that they work out seven days a week, sometimes twice a day. Realism! I like that. Also, no thanks, homegirl needs her rest days.
Also I’m going to need specifics about what they’re doing, because I assume there’s something I’m supposed to do to my arms that I’m not.
Me, when the ladies explain their kick boxing regimens:
Segment #4: The Weeknd Is My Brother
“The Weeknd’s like a brother to me, dating my little sister” – a model whose family works differently from mine.
What is this theme? There’s a fire fighter, a weird American flag, a cop and an astronaut. Jobs you wanted when you were 7? The Halloween costumes that are left when you go shopping on 10/30?
And Selena Gomez as Hot Holly Golightly.
Selena Gomez’s backup dancers are awfully unnecessary, since she has all these backup walkers already.
Are these supposed to be like those occupational-themed stripper costumes, and I mean that in a nonjudgmental way?
Behind The Scenes #4: Nobody Gets A Puppy
The models get presents, and my first thought is “good God, will there be a puppy in there?”
A model has the same thought.
There’s no puppy, which is good because I would have stormed out in protest.
The models tell us how they like Christmas, and look at old photos of themselves from when they weren’t models, but just humans in photographs.
Segment #5: Some Elsa Looking Stuff
A nude mesh and sequin Fair Isle bodysuit – what you’re missing if you didn’t see the Victoria’s Secret fashion show, I guess.
Behind The Scenes #5: Sweet Sweet Fantasy Baby
That’s my second Mariah reference of the post, and you’re welcome.
They reveal who will wear the “fantasy bra” – it’s Lily Aldridge, who is of course very pretty and seems nice.
Segment #6: The Lorax
Technically, fireworks, but I’m pretty sure it’s The Lorax.
Do you think any of these models hate people yelling at them urgently all the time?
If you’ve been keeping up with the Kardashians as of late, you know Kimye welcomed their second child over the weekend. And after two days of speculation of what baby boy’s name would be, Kim finally revealed their son’s name:
Naturally, anyone’s first reaction is of confusion.
Then the realization it’s legit:
and acceptance:
So I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been seeing it everywhere since Monday, but I think the name is actually growing on me? I had a similar reaction when they announced North West, but the winning point for me was that they would be calling her Nori, which is adorable. Saint, though? First of all, someone let ‘Ye pick the name. Second, what would his nickname be, if anything? Third, Saint is like, not a name. To be fair, *what even is a name anyways*??
However, to put things in perspective, Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy rocker, ex-husband to Ashlee Simpson, father of son Bronx Mowgli) and his girlfriend had a son last year and named him Saint Lazslo, but the reaction was definitely not as fervent as it has been with Saint West. Kim and Kanye are an easy target, so unless they named their son Robert (after Kim’s late dad) as rumored, they would’ve gotten shit for anything they named him. But who even remembers the fact Pete Wentz named his son Saint a year ago? No one.
To also give Kim and Kanye more props, let’s be honest here – it could be worse. His name could’ve been Audio Science or Pilot Inspektor. Now those are REALLY not names in the slightest. With Saint, it implies a greatness to be achieved, whereas Audio Science, Shannyn Sossamon’s son, could be a major at MIT. There is of course a caveat to having a name like Saint – it gives him a lot to live up to. Just like being a Kennedy or even a Kardashian, there’s a stigma and pre-judgement that comes with a name that you have no control over. So if Saint West needs any advice on how to live up to a name larger than life, he can consult with these other celebrity babies who have just as odd if not more odd names than him.
Royalty {Daughter of Chris Brown}
Chris didn’t actually have anything to do with the naming of his daughter, since he found out she was his well after her birth, but it somehow seems exactly the right name that he would give her anyways. He’s also been treating her as such ever since the truth about his paternity came up, so much so that he’s named his upcoming album Royalty, and in the spirit of philanthropy, he’s also donating proceeds of the record sales to the Children’s Miracle Network hospital. He’s a *changed man* y’all.
Messiah Ya’ Majesty Harris {Son of T.I.}
That is not a typo, that apostrophe belongs there. Perhaps it was because it was T.I.’s first kid that he thought he needed to go big or go home, so he went for our savior, Lord Jesus Christ as the name for his baby.
Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Valor {Son of Emile Hirsch}
Valor {noun}: great courage in the face of danger, especially in battle.
Valor {proper noun}: Hufflepuff.
Happy Hinds {Son of Macy Gray}
Wouldn’t it be great if he could just change his name depending on his mood? Today he’s Happy, tomorrow he’s Outraged, next week he’s Flabbergasted.
King Cairo {Son of Tyga and Blac Chyna}
Is he just supposed to be treated like a king in general, or is it that he rules over the city of Cairo?
Atlas {Son of Ed Norton}
Despite what you may thinking, Ed Norton’s son wasn’t named after the huge ass book of maps, but rather the Greek god who was condemned by Zeus to hold up the sky forevs. TBH, this seems like the most difficult of all the names to live up to, since your name LIT’RALLY means to hold the world on your shoulders. I can’t even wear heavy coats.
Titan Jewell Witherspoon {Son of Kelly Rowland}
Although Kelly’s said the name itself has to do with family, it still bears heavy on the kid, since Titans were Greek gods of incredible strength. Sure you want your kid to be strong, but what if he’s a crier and a chess player? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Moxie Crimefighter {Daughter of Penn Jillette}
For a little backstory, Penn and his wife EZ (those are her initials) wanted to use a “purely American” name like Moxie to represent spunk and energy. As for the CrimeFighter part, Penn’s wife thinks middle names are stupid and they chose “CrimeFighter” as a joke. A JOKE. Who’s going to be laughing when there’s a murder to be solved and the only person who can seek retribution is Moxie CrimeFighter?
Jonathan Taylor Thomas – J.T.T., if you were born between about 1980 and 1990 – perfectly illustrates the life cycle of a tween hearthrob. He was Randy Taylor on Home Improvement, Young Simba in The Lion King, and a Certified Hottie in the pages of Tiger Beat. When I was in fourth grade (the 1995-1996 school year), all of the girls in my class were obsessed with him. A few short years later – 1998, when I’ll Be Home for Christmas was released – we had all but forgotten about JTT. A lot had happened since 1996 (Hanson. Leonardo DiCaprio. Puberty). That’s how I, a one-time J.T.T. fangirl, got to 2015 without seeing his foray into Christmas entertainment. Here goes:
This is the most high-school looking college I’ve ever seen. J.T.T. is in a hallway covered in lockers; his dweeby friend is STUFFED INTO ONE.
1998 thing: J.T.T. uses the phrase “on the net.”
1998 thing: a flock of girls are wearing Biore pore strips and J.T.T. asks if they work (1998 thing: they don’t).
1998 thing: J.T.T. (Jake), wearing one of those button up bowling shirt things, flirts with a Mary Camden-era Jessica Biel (Ally), who has a Smashmouth poster.
Ribbed shirts sure were all the rage, weren’t they?
I think Mary Camden is wearing a skort.
So Jake wants Ally to spend Christmas with him instead of her family. Is this a thing 18-year-olds do? My 18-year-old cousin went to Florida with her girlfriend’s family last Christmas and we all thought it was a little extra for someone who didn’t exist until 1996.
J.T.T. and his bros are in a cafeteria. This is the weirdest, most high-schoolish college.
J.T.T’s little sister is roughly the age we were when this came out, and she is the late-90s awkward stage personified.
File under: lime green mock turtleneck, stripey zipped thing, half of your hair pulled tightly back. Yep, all checks out.
“Is the convenience of technology worth the loss of our privacy?” – a very prescient J.T.T.
J.T.T.’s father offers to GIVE HIM A PORSCHE if he comes home for dinner at 6:00 pm on Christmas Eve. If I am home for dinner at 6:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve, I get dinner.
So how’d I end up watching this? I’m watching a nephew and niece while their brother is in the hospital (note: this will be relevant later). Anyway, the 8-year-old boy requested a Christmas movie that neither of us had seen. He pronounced J.T.T.’s dad’s offer “a little extreme.”
1998 thing: A group of boys cheat on a final with the aid of beepers and antique dial-up internet.
Mary Camden is wearing her second chunky-knit awkwardly short ribbed sweater.
The bros drop J.T.T. in the desert wearing a Santa Suit and I have questions. They leave a note: “Let’s see you sweet talk your way out of this one.” So. They knocked him unconscious, changed his clothes, and drove him to a secluded location to die? God, this is dark.
Mary Camden: “if you make me listen to any sexist, racist, or homophobic jokes I’m gonna have to slug you.” Add that one to my to-cross stitch pile. (She’s driving cross-country with J.T.T.’s enemy bro.)
1998 thing: Eddie, the enemy bro, is in a sensitive mood, wants to listen to “Jewel, Sarah, Fiona.”
Tracey, Jake’s sister, is wearing giant terrible overalls.
Can’t find a pic of the overalls, but here’s a vest. A vest and I guess a spoiler.
J.T.T. and a car full of blue-haired Tom Jones fanatics listen to What’s New Pussycat.
It starts snowing on J.T.T. in the desert, I scoff, 8-year-old reminds me that deserts have dry climates but can be extremely cold at night. Which is true.
Jessica Biel slug’s Douchebag Eddie “as per our agreement.” I miss this teen movie archetype.
A van driver swerves about the road while he’s trying to retrieved a dropped sandwich and Charley and I both laugh out loud. FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. GIGGLES FOR ALL AGES. No but really, this movie is not bad on the separate rating scale I use for Christmas movies.
Douchebag Eddie calls himself a “millennial type of guy” who likes yoga and macrobiotic food. I could have sworn we were still going by Gen Y in 1998.
J.T.T. and the sandwich guy lie to a cop and say they’re giving presents to children in the hospital. They hand out kitchen appliances.
THEN a little boy says that all he wants is to go home and be with his family. My nephew looks a bit glum thinking about his brother, and I learn a lesson about trying to entertain a worried child with Jonathan Taylor Thomas movies. See, that’s why the Babysitters Club used to bring Kid Kits with them. ANYWAY. The hospital boy is never seen again, so there was no point in the movie turning serious for like 20 seconds.
Sandwich Guy sings to his estranged wife Marjorie at her workplace. Her workplace is a restaurant where you, I guess, choose which cow you want to eat.
Douchebag Eddie wonders why more breakfast places don’t serve food right in the skillet. Same. But also, tort liability probs.
I’ve somehow stopped noticing that JTT has been wearing a Santa suit this whole time.
Douchebag Eddie and Mary Camden stay at a honeymoon suite decorated by my grandma during one of her mid-90s craft sprees.
JTT steals a man’s gross meat sandwich, which sounds like a euphemism but isn’t, and says it’s a liver transplant so that his bus goes where he needs it to.
This is an OK Christmas movie, but you know what would be the BEST Christmas movie that I’d watch every year? If they cut together all of the Christmas or wintery or snowy parts from all the Harry Potters. I’d pay probably not evening admission for that, but definitely matinee.
Allie and Jake meet up and have a boring fight. You could skip it.
J.T.T. enters a Santa 5K to get money to fly home. He wins after a cluster of Santas gets taken out by a friendly dog. The whole thing would make a fantastic Where’s Waldo page.
Jake donates his winnings to homeless people.
Tracey has a plane ticket’s worth of money in her “ballerina bag.” The best thing I had in my Irish Dance bag was maybe like a newish Werther’s Original.
Jake stows away in a dog crate because he doesn’t have an I.D.
Charley: “How did Allie and Jake get there at the same time, if he flew and she took the bus?”
Me: Wait. How DID they?
Honestly the geography of this trip is very confusing to me.
Jake steals a sleigh to get home in time. My nephew notes that Jake “steals a lot” and he isn’t wrong.
Jake makes it home at 5:59, but refuses to go into the house until after 6 because he is silly.
The Porsche is parked in the snowy front yard by a set designer who doesn’t know how snow works.
Jake, a silly goose, refuses the car but accepts his father’s love. AWWW.
Jake and his stepmom exchange sweater sizes. She is an 8.
1998 thing: a size 8 woman in a movie.
Bottom line: this Lifetime-quality Christmas movie that was perfectly serviceable. On my separate rating scale for Christmas movies, it was “cute.” In Christmas movies, cute isn’t a bad thing.
Last night, millions of Americans tuned for another edition of NBC’s ______ Live! Last year, we flew with Allison Williams over London in Peter Pan Live! and the year before that, we named our favorite things with Carrie Underwood in The Sound of Music Live! This year, third time proved to be the charm with The Wiz Live! As expected, the telecast dominated social media with viewers’ quips, but perhaps what wasn’t expected was the sheer positivity across the board. We livetweeted it, but we still have a number of questions, comments and concerns about the show, so here’s our post-mortem on the life-changing musical that was The Wiz Live!
Concern: The Wiz is my pop culture blind spot
Oops. Somehow I’ve never seen The Wiz. Not the MJ/Diana movie or anything from the OG musical. I’ve somehow managed to be in the Wizard of Oz musical, see the horrendous recent Wizard of Oz tour, and Wicked four times, but never The Wiz. This might be my downfall. – T
I’ve seen The Wiz, but the first thing I always remember about it is how someone we went to high school with was in an all-white production, which sounds like a joke but isn’t. – M
Question: Is this a modern day musical?
Dorothy’s dressed like she could be from 2015, but also it’s nondescript enough that it could be a generic timeline. Either way, I’m kind of really into it, and her skirt? – T
Into it, too. Those skirts were popular when we were in high school (c. 2000 – 2004), but had moments in the 70s, 80s and 90s as well. I like the nod to the original light blue and red Dorothy color scheme. But then Auntie Em is dressed like Aunt Bea from Andy Griffith. “Generic timeline” checks out. – M
Question: Is The Wiz a precursor to The Color Purple?
Pretty sure the cart Stephanie Mills leans against is the same one from The Color Purple. – T
Comment: Beyonce took part in this
The cyclone scene almost looks like it was lifted from a Beyonce tour production, or more specifically, the music video for Ghost. By the by, the choreography was done by Fatima Robinson, who has worked with some of the best musicians in the biz, including Michael Jackson, Pharrell, Aaliyah, and the Backstreet Boys, which is the only reason she’s been a part of my life for so long. She did the choreo for iconic songs like Everybody and As Long As You Love Me, and when I hear her name it’s like *Home*. – T
The cyclone reminded me of those trippy live-action children’s shows from the 1970s, like H.R. Pufnstuf and The Wombles. – M
Question: This costume
If I dress up like one of these munchkins for Halloween next year, will I have missed the boat on the zeitgeist of it all? – T
And if I wore the glittery silver Mary Janes, the Scarecrow’s fun bird blouse, and Dorothy’s skirt in my daily life, would you still be friends with me? – M
Question: Omaha?
Was Dorothy always originally from Omaha, Nebraska?? – T
I THOUGHT IT WAS KANSAS. Was “we’re not in Kansas anymore” just a reference to how Nebraska and Kansas are mostly samesies? – M
Concern: I *almost* forgot just how amazing Amber Riley is
OKAYYYY YOU BETTER SING AMBER RILEY!!! #FlashbackFriday – the time my friend and I were on our way to the Glee concert and were belting out Amber’s part in one of the Glee songs in the car, and Amber rolled up next to us and I looked over, felt flushed with embarrassment and she gave a wave before driving off. Moral of the story, leave the belting to Amber. – T
RYAN MURPHY DOESN’T KNOW A TREASURE WHEN HE HOLDS IT IN HIS HANDS. – M
Comment: Life lesson number one:
“There is some nasty stuff betwixt here and there.” – T
Comment: Looks like Lord Licorice’s house
Pretty sure this set could double for a Candy Land musical. – T
Thing I’d be into: a Candy Land musical. – M
Comment: Life lesson number two + joke
“Sometimes the most dangerous things are also the most beautiful.” “That’s deep, cuz.” – T
Concern: I might be a Shanice fangirl now
Shanice sings Soon as I Get Home, and I’m actually screaming. YASS SHANICE. A STAR IS LITERALLY BORN. WERK. IT. – T
If Shanice Williams isn’t all over the Broadway stage or a movie screen or WHEREVER IT IS SHE WOULD LIKE TO BE MOST, there’s no good in the world. – M
Concern: I already forgot who’s playing the Scarecrow
That’s how good this costume is. Oh JK it’s Elijah Kelly. I’ve watched Hairspray enough to recognize that voice. – T
I hope Elijah Kelly has been living his best life, and I know he’s worked consistently, but I’m still surprised he didn’t get huge after Hairspray. – M
Comment: Apparently you CAN win
During You Can’t Win, the crows are giving me so many jokes (“I’ll catch you on the B-Side”). Also giving me life with this song. Did anyone else notice the stanky leg from the Scarecrow? – T
Comment: I have a bad memory
Ok I thought I didn’t know any songs from The Wiz, but I forgot about Ease on Down the Road. But is the original arrangement as funky as this version? I love it. – T
I feel like you would also know Home, if only from televised singing competitions. – M
Concern: I’m crying again
And this time it’s for this Barbie commercial. – T
Me too, we’re messes. – M
Question: What’s up with this magic oil?
Yo does this magic oil make everyone sing like Ne-Yo tho because I have some choice handsome men I could think of that could become 10 times hotter if they could sing some R&B. – T
Is this supposed to be very sexual or is there a problem with me? – M
Question: Why do we still not have a live audience for this?
Both The Sound of Music and Peter Pan before this were shot without a live audience, and it was awkward when it came to needing laughs for jokes and clapping after big numbers. If this was shot in front of a live audience, there definitely would’ve been a lot of cheers and applause for Ne-Yo’s robot dance break. – T
Yeah, when you have to time the beats to laughter or applause that ISN’T THERE, it doesn’t work. The whole reason they had fake laugh tracks in old shows is because audiences respond better when they hear other people responding. Give these stars an audience next time! – M
Question: Does the scarecrow’s hair look like The Weeknd or nah?
Comment: That’s a trusting lion
For someone who’s cowardly, the Lion had an oddly easy time to ease on down the road with strangers. Also, David freaking Alan Grier. What a talent. Also the psychiatrist owl really made me chortle. – T
Comment: Nature’s not for me.
These shenans are exactly why I don’t go into enchanted forests with three strangers. – T
Everyone trusts everyone so much. – M
Concern: I’m crying again
Okay that was the most inspirational shit I've ever seen on TV and I watch Miss USA #TheWizLive
I’m just gonna say it – a lot of these commercials are geared towards black viewers. From McDonalds to USPS, there’s a number of them which prominently feature black actors. It’s like when you’re watching BET and the commercials are not quite the same as the ones you would see on say, Fox News. And it’s great on one hand, as in a whole other demographic is being catered to, but like, also, just show the same commercials during an episode of Castle or The Big Bang Theory. That being said, The Wiz being playing on primetime network TV is so incredibly important, because like I’ve said many times before, representation is important. And this cast and crew is doing an outstanding job at it. – T
“the ones you would see on say, Fox News” – Traci, I love you forever. – M
Concern: I FORGOT COMMON WAS IN THIS
OK BUT COMMON. I WOULD GLADLY BE DENIED ENTRY TO A CLUB IF I HAD FACE TIME WITH HIM. – T
Question: But I do I get into this club frreal tho?
The ensemble is everything! They sell it so hard. – M
Comment: Life lesson number three
“The door is just a door.”
Question: Is this secretly a Spice Girls crossover?
We meet Queen Latifah as The Wiz, sporting a Brigitte Nielsen haircut. She also says the phrase, “Tell me what you want. What you really really want.” Is that a Spice Girls ref or coincidence?? – T
Since we’re sharing embarrassing celebrity encounters: at DeGaulle airport c. 2006, I thought my friend said “Queen Latifah just passed away!” I squealed “No, I LOVE Queen Latifah!” But, she said “Queen Latifah just passed by.” Queen Latifah heard, and smiled like the Queen that she is, and was really nice and chit-chatted with a bunch of American college kids, she’s royalty, the end. — M
Comment: Through the wire
I just realized Ne-Yo sounds like Kanye circa Through the Wire, because the tin is around his face. Still sounds 10 million percent better than I ever will. Also, I’ve never been so attracted to a chunk of metal before. – T
Question: Is a standing ovation a real standing ovation if you do it by yourself?
I legit just stood up and gave the cast a standing ovation after singing We Got It. I’m watching this alone in my living room. I tried looking up this song and I didn’t realize Ne-Yo co-wrote this specifically for the telecast. Amazing. – T
Am I wrong that they included an original song for award nomination purposes? – M
Comment: Praise in the highest to Queen Mary J
Bitch comes on screen and I’m already all SLAY YASSS QUEEN. By the by, I feel like the words screamed out the most by viewers are “YASS” “SLAY” and “QUEEN” over and over again. – T
I literally yelled "Yaass SLAY civilian" during the Emerald City dance sequence in #TheWizLive
— Jesse Tyler Ferguson (he/him/his) (@jessetyler) December 4, 2015
When Mary J. was on screen I found myself sitting with my chin propped in my hands and the glistening eyes of a child present at the Sermon on the Mount. – M
Comment: No Bad News = No More Drama
WHEN MARY J BLIGE IS SCREAMING AT YOU TO WORK, YOU WERK. – T
Question: Did we switch to another musical’s set again?
I feel like the Brand New Day scene turned into Fela! all of a sudden. Either way, props to DAG for werking this choreo (including some Carlton and Soul Train action) in the ridic lion getup, and props to him for catching Elijah Kelly in his arms at the end. – T
Concern: Have I become an elderly person at age 29?
Queen in a robe is lit’rally me rollin up to the club. And the club is my bed. – T
Comment: The bench is deep
Legit every member of this cast, including the ensemble is fantastic! – T
Question: Can u not?
UZO ADUBA IS A LITERAL ANGEL FROM HEAVEN. – T
She is SO GOOD as Crazy Eyes that I feel like people don’t even realize how beautiful and amazing she is IRL. – M
Question: Is this a Michael Jackson tribute?
Actually is Dorothy’s jacket an homage to MJ??? – T
Speaking of which, it takes guts to take on a role most associated with MJ. Let’s hear it for Elijah Kelly! – M
Concern: I am crying again
I JUST STOOD IN FRONT OF MY TV CRYING. SHANICE GIVING ME GOOSIES. GIVING ME LIFE. I get really emotional when I see people achieving their best, ya know. Shanice was picked out of obscurity (New Jersey) and because of her true talent – and NBC taking a risk on a non-celebrity – she’s truly become the breakout artist of the year. (Also watch this video of Shanice post-show. All the tears.)- T
I love this and I keep spontaneously crying like I'm so proud of these people as if I know any of them. 😍😭#TheWizLive
Overall, I loved this Live! version of The Wiz. The talent, the production value, the costumes (by Hamilton costume designer Paul Tazewell), a teleplay by Harvey Fierstein (I KNOW), the choreo (no but did you see that dabbing tho) – everything. But most importantly, I think something changed last night. Changed the landscape of what we expect and see on television and media in general. Like in the 1970s when this musical made its debut, the themes still have a prominent relevance in today’s society. When kids who are watching this with their families at home can see themselves on the screen, it’s progress. And that is the power of art. -T
Haven’t finished your holiday shopping yet? Have an unreasonably large budget, no time to arrange a gift yourself, and a total d-bag on your shopping list? Yeah, me either, thank goodness. But for the second year in a row, we DO at least have the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts to remind us that we’re better off than the people who do have those things — plus some low-budget alternatives for the rest of us.
A Motorcycle Day With Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves’ Friend Gard
Cost: $150,000.00
First, go to breakfast with Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves’ friend Gard – which I’d be into, I mean I’d hit up a good brunch with John Wilkes Booth and Justin Bieber if promised bottomless mimosas. Then go on a motorcycle ride, then go to a cafe. Then take a friend to dinner and ditch Keanu. Or don’t: the man has been through a lot and I hear he’s one of the nicest celebrities. The next day, ride through a forest with Keanu like you’ve just watched the Matrix trilogy before bed and now you’re living in a weird dream. By the way, the 150K price tag does include the motorcycle.
Alternative: A set of Matrix DVDs (like $20 if Target’s running a sale); a moped rental; brunch with your most chill friend.
Couture Diary
Cost: $10,000.00
I’m assuming if you’re buying this, you have the kind of friends who own a lot of couture, so good on you. All right, so the book part of this gift just seems unnecessarily complex:
Scandinavian calfskin cover is vegetable tanned in Scotland exclusively for bookbinding
All tooling is executed by hand in 24-karat gold at the Vogel Bindery in East Hampton, New York
Diary sheets are engraved on premium stock paper with hand-colored borders from The Printery in Oyster Bay, New York
Anyway, then someone draws 20 of your outfits on the Scandinavian cow, Scottish vegetable, Gatsby gold, Oyster paper that lives in the house that Jack built.
The Orphan Barrel Project, which sounds like a cool Orphan Black offshoot but isn’t, collects barrels of old whiskey from abandoned places then sells them to rich people. On this trip to Lexington, Kentucky, you hunt through an old distillery for booze like a troubled teen breaking and entering for the first time. Then you get a whiskey cabinet, some glassware, and a bunch of old liquor that I hope a health department has vetted.
Alternative: Go to your liquor cabinet, or better yet, your parents’. What’s the oldest bottle there, the one that you can’t quite remember buying? Okay, give that to a friend.
A 12-Day Journey Through The Nicest Parts Of India
Cost: $400,000.00
No shade, this sounds amazing and includes a surprising number of rides in private rickshaws, not like those gross crowded public rickshaws the poors take on their vacations to India. I’m most intrigued by kite-flying at a palace, which seems like the Neiman Marcus folks are just throwing together random wonderful things.
Alternative: A cassette tape of that one Alanis song about “thank you India” or whatever.
Going Almost To Space
Cost: $90,000.00
In high school, my brother and I had a coworker who went to Space Camp. My brother knew that she didn’t actually go to space, but wondered aloud whether she “maybe went up in a really high plane or something.” This is basically that: floating at 100,000 feet above Earth for a few hours. If any of you are very rich, I’d like this, please.
Alternative: A telescope; a reminder that we are but specks in a vast, unknowable, and ever-expanding universe; a Carl Sagan book.
An Art Tour Of Italy With A Jewelry Maker
Cost: $150,000.00
This trip includes more arts and crafts projects than you’d think, including playing with clay and “secret paper techniques” (which I imagine ends in you creating the world’s classiest cootie catcher). You have to go to the same glass-blowing “fornace” two days in a row, though.
Alternative: A gift card to JoAnn fabrics. Come at me if you want, I love me some JoAnn fabrics and the folksy suburban ladies I always talk to at the fabric counter.
A Trunk Full Of Iris Apfel’s Stuff
Cost: $80,000.00
Price includes a fancy trunk filled with jewelry and accessories, as well as lunch and a styling session with Iris herself.
Alternative: A copy of Iris, the Iris Apfel documentary that’s on Netflix. It’s life-affirming AF.
A Neiman Marcus Mustang
Cost: $95,000.00
I’ve become jaded by this point, because my reaction to that price tag was “wow, only $95K?” I’d make the most darling rich person. You also get to go to racing school! Manual transmission only, soz.
Alternative: A day at the go-kart track! Everyone loves go-karts, right? Whee!!
Three Guitars
Cost: $30,000 each
Steve Miller, Lyell Lovett, and Billy Gibbons all designed guitars. For a cool 30K you get one of them – not all three -as well as a backstage visit with the musician who designed it.
Alternative: Legit, you can find a guitar for like $30 on Craigslist, and something tells me it’s not too difficult to get backstage for any of these fellows if you really wanted to.
A Casket Full Of Gender Norms
Cost: $5,000
No, okay, what it really is is a custom-painted trunk for a “girl” (pink trunk, four different princess dresses) or a “boy” (primary-colored trunk, superhero costumes). It’s like those McDonald’s Barbie and Hot Wheels toys for the very rich (Stuff 90s Kids Remember: being asked if you want a “boy toy” or a “girl toy” instead of a doll or a car). If you know a girl who is into princesses, or a boy who likes Iron Man, and you have 5K to burn, this seems okay … but I still think this is some kind of bullshit.
Alternative: Dress-up clothes – one of my favorite gifts for the kids in my family! But you don’t have to be so rigid about it.
When I binge watched Friday Night Lights for the first time, I couldn’t stop playing episode after episode in rapid succession. But when it came to the final few episodes of the series, I couldn’t bear to come to the reality that the show was actually ending. It took me weeks to gather the courage to watch the series finale, and when I did, it left me wanting more. But as the years go on, the less I want a FNL reunion movie. The show ended perfectly, so there’s no need to add to the story. But IRL reunions (like the one at ATX TV Festival) or cast get togethers (like the one at Scott Porter’s house) are perfectly acceptable – which is why a Friday Night Lights musical is the best thing to happen since Tim Riggins.
The fine folks at Sucker Love Productions have brought to life Cruel Intentions and most recently, The OC in musical form, and in 2016, they’re bringing the world of Dillon, Texas to Los Angeles. And if you thought it didn’t get any better, well it does, because Scott Porter, aka Six aka Jason Street is in it and he’s playing Coach Taylor. That’s right, man among men Dad of the Year Coach to all will be played by Jason Street.
PS: Scott has a history with singing and musical theatre – he starred in the Off-Broadway hit Altar Boyz, and you can be impressed with his killer pipes here, here and here.
Like I did with The OC musical, I’m just gonna go ahead and guess what songs will be featured in the FNL musical based on storylines and general music knowledge. We’ll see if any of these tunes show up – because you best believe I’m trying my damnest to get a ticket to this.
Besides the actual instrumental theme song for FNL, Devil Town is the unofficial theme song for the show. It was used in the beginning and end of season one, as well as various promo clips throughout the run. The song itself is tonally a perfect representation of the series with its simple instrumentations and the overall vibe feels small town-esque, while the lyrics suggest Dillon is more than a town focused on football.
Run The World (Girls) by Beyonce
{Tami Taylor}
We know that out on the field, Coach Taylor is in charge. But let’s face it y’all, behind every strong Coach Taylor is a formidable Tami Taylor, and she’s the one who’s really in charge. She’s smart, caring, giving, fair, and doesn’t make excuses for who she is, her values, or what she wants in life. Mrs. Coach became Principal Taylor and at the end of the series, she moved up in the ranks to fulfill her own career dreams. And who followed right behind her? Eric Taylor.
Magnets by Disclosure featuring Lorde
{Tim Riggins and Lyla Garrity}
Despite the fact Lyla promises her boyfriend Jason Street she’ll stick by him during his tragic paralyzing accident in the pilot, she ultimately commits the ultimate betrayal mid-season 1 and sleeps with his BFF, bad boy and teen heartthrob Tim Riggins. Poor choices all around, but it’s the beginning of one of the series’ most iconic relationships, and TBH, I ship it. More so than Tim and Tyra. And maybe even more so than Tim and me. HAH JK.
Never really felt bad about it/As we drank deep from a lie
‘Cause I felt melting magnets, babe/The second I saw you through half-shut eyes
Uh-oh, dancin’ past the point of no return/Let go, we can free ourselves of all we’ve learned
I love this secret language that we’re speaking/Say it to me, let’s embrace the point of no return
Bitch by Meredith Brooks
{Julie Taylor}
It’s so so easy to hate on Julie Taylor throughout the entire series, and for good reason. I always come to her defense, mainly asserting that she’s supposed to be an annoying teenage girl, but I can only do it for so long.
Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney
{Tami & Eric Taylor}
There’s a scene in the season 1 finale, State, in which Tami tells Eric she’s pregnant, and it is just the epitome of true love. He obviously needs her to repeat the phrase ‘I’m pregnant’, since they certainly weren’t expecting this, and his reaction is picture perfect. Later in the ep, Eric tells Tami he’s reconsidered taking the big job at TMU and wants to stay in Dillon, but Tami is all, ‘you are so dumb’ and is like don’t give up on this big opportunity you idiot. They are #relationshipgoalsAF and if any of us can get this type of love in our lifetime, we would be pretty lucky indeed.
Secret by The Pierces
{Landry & Tyra}
Yeah, you know that storyline all FNL fans refuse to accept happened? That’s this song.
Marry You by Bruno Mars
{Mindy & Billy Riggins}
One of the most endearing relationships to come out of Dillon is that of the unlikely pairing of Tim’s older, equally poor choice making brother, and Tyra’s stripper sister Mindy. Their wedding was iconic for the outfits alone, but can’t you just picture them dancing down the aisle to this song? Also, the actress who plays Mindy, Stacey Oristano, is a fab singer IRL, so she should probably be in the FNL musical.
All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye by John Mayer
{Matt}
In maybe the best episode of the series, The Son, Matt finds out his estranged dad Henry dies while in the Army in Iraq. When we first meet Matt, we find out his mom and dad are divorced, his mom left, his dad has spent most of his time overseas in the military, and he has to take care of his Grams, who suffers from dementia. Matt never really got the chance to know his father, since he was leaving constantly, much like his mom, and technically grams. It all comes to a head in one of the most powerful scenes between Matt and Coach, after he finds out Coach might be leaving Dillon.
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
{Vince and his mom Regina}
In addition to the stress of being the the star quarterback of the new East Dillon Lions, Vince has to deal with his mother, a former drug addict who relapses. He manages to get her help and into rehab, but it obviously takes a toll on him. Gravity might not be the super obvious choice for this particular storyline, but it’s all because of one of the most memorable routines from So You Think You Can Dance that deals with addiction.
Whatever This Song Is by Crucifictorious
{Landry & Cruicifictorious}
IDGI, but do whatever your heart tells you, Lance.
House Party by Sam Hunt
{Tim Riggins}
It occurred to me while compiling this list that Sam Hunt is like the Tim Riggins of music. Hot, talented in their craft, hot, popular with the ladies, hot. One sings about being in a cop car while the other voluntarily turns himself into the police. Same thing.
Brick by Ben Folds Five
{Luke & Becky}
Luke and Becky have a one-night stand in season four, and she ends up pregnant. It’s a whole situation involving HBIC and principal Tami Taylor, but Becky eventually decides to have an abortion. Is this song too real?
When You Come Back Down by Nickel Creek
{Matt & Julie}
Every year at the ATX TV Festival, there’s a FNL tailgate party complete with music, a screening of an FNL episode, and random cast members avail to meet and take pix with. Last year, Sara Watkins of Nickel Creek played, and like Devil Town, their music fits perfectly with the Dillon vibe. This song is all about letting someone you love go in order for them to live their life. Matt & Julie had been dating pretty much all throughout high school, but when Matt invites Julie to visit him in Chicago where he’s attending college, she decides against it because she knows if she does go, she wouldn’t want to leave, thus putting her own dreams aside (except she ends up following him to Chicago at the end of the series anyways bc they’re engaged and stuff. Spoiler alert?).
Devil Knows You’re Dead by Delta Spirit
{Cast}
FNL has one of the best series finales in TV history, and I think a lot of that has to do with the final montage, which gives each character an ending, with their stories wrapped up in perfect bows. During that montage, this Delta Spirit song plays and gives you lit’rally all the feels.
Cookies + Sangria 