To me, SNICK had always been a hotbed of coolness, the block of programming that was a necessity for kids to watch in order to be considered at the very least normal with their peers, but also a place where ‘cool’ characters were always present. As a kid, I always looked up to the kids on Nickelodeon as either wanting to covet their lives or utterly fascinated by how their everyday lives seemed to be.
As a little Asian girl growing up in Western New York, this was particularly true of Shelby Woo. At the time, I don’t remember seeing anyone that looked remotely similar to me or had a similar background. Now, I didn’t live with my former Karate sansei innkeeper grandfather or was Chinese or even an amateur sleuth for that matter (as much as I tried, Ghostwriter didn’t write back), all I knew was that I could relate to someone on television that was also a descendant of an immigrant and – not white. #RepresentationIsImportant
Shelby Woo was a go-getter, someone who wasn’t afraid to find the truth about the cases police had trouble solving. She was smart and cunning, among many other things, but all these character traits were enviable by 12-year-old Traci. Shelby was a possibility – a possibility for a young girl to become a detective when she got older, because we still were asked, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ without it being totally depressing. I didn’t grow up to be a detective or anything close to it, but Shelby Woo represented what could be. Even when she was figuring out less-than-enviable cases about stolen lunch meat from the cafeteria.
Episode Title: The Hot Dog Mystery
Air Date: Unaired
A sudden bout of food poisoning hits the cafeteria at Space Coast High, and Shelby searches her school for suspects. Could it be the work of a rival meat supplier? A nasty cafeteria employee? Or someone trying to send a message to the school administration? And if Shelby can’t find out how someone made the kids sick, is there a chance it could happen again?
Hit Play!!
So apparently this episode never aired. Not sure whether it’s because the show was cancelled or Nick execs just didn’t think the quality of this particular episode was up to par, but it has had to resort to a life on YouTube, never seeing the light of cable day. I’d also like to note that I don’t think I’ve seen this show in like, 17 years, so I don’t really remember all the details of it. What I can tell you is that Shelby Woo was obviously a precursor to our beloved Veronica Mars. Like, eerily so.
0:31 Bless grandpa Pat Morita. Is he still alive?? And why does Shelby have a thicker accent than gramps? (PS: Pat Morita died in 2005. Oops. #RIPPatMorita)
1:10 I don’t remember Shelby breaking the fourth wall in this show??
“See if you can pick the right suspect from the menu” – Shelby
As previously mentioned, a bunch of kids are sick, and Shelby’s managed to trace it back to the hot dogs served in the high school cafeteria. One dude ate 11. There was a wager going on. Kids are dumb.
3:25 Tim’s mom (also the school’s librarian) is a vegetarian and mad at her son for eating meat. She then sees another kid in the nurse’s office with a leather bookbag and scolds him, suggesting he use a macrame bag instead. A) She’s probs the head of PETA rn. B) I think Tim tainted the hot dogs.
Also Shelby’s friend Noah is wearing one of those shirts
4:30 Shelby’s boss (?) at the police department was called in to solve this hot dog mystery. Why is an actual detective at some high school trying to find the culprit instead of figuring out a murder or something in the town?
6:00 The meat provider for the cafeteria is a Southern dude who works for Cummings Meat. He legitimately just used the phrase “Cummings weiners”
“These kids won’t trust hot dogs for a year” German lunchlady who has too much trust and belief in teens
By the by, Shelby is using her computer skills to solve the case, because apparently there’s a special program on her Apple computer that organizes all her case information.
12:30 Now Shelby and her co-sleuths think the Cummings Meat guy could be the culprit and follow him at his morning delivery. They also look like they’re two years out of college and have nothing better to do than hang out at their old high school.
“I had to rotate 40 pounds of meat” Cummings Meat Guy
“While we’re here let’s look around of clues.” Shelby
HELLO DID YOU NOT LISTEN TO WHAT WEINER GUY SAID? The perishables should be moved to the top not kept being pushed down. German lunch lady probs wasn’t paying attention to expiration dates and grabbed a pack of hot dogs she thought were fine and served them to the kids. Which would explain why none of the packages had been tampered with.
13:43 Shelbs and Co. are stuck in the freezer and it’s like I Love Lucy all over again. This is when cell phones come in handy.
“Oh man I hate exercise maybe we could… snuggle?” Noah is my favorite, despite his creepiness.
15:00 I feel like this episode is a giant PSA for PETA and anti-eating meat.
16:00 Okay now the nurse is starting to be sketchy. First Shelbs accidentally knocks over the nurse’s purse and crap falls out, including a big ass bottle of aspirin, latex gloves and a needle, despite the fact she said earlier she can’t use needles (as per the law?). She also initially said she was “glad” to see all the kids in her office in the beginning of the episode, so maybe she’s the one who did a switcheroo in the freezer to get more kids sick? Because she’s an insane masochist? Or she wants to prove she’s invaluable?
16:25 TIM THINKS HIS MOM POISONED THE HOT DOGS. There’s still like 10 minutes left, so it’s not her.
17:34 Gramps shows up to school because Shelbs forgot her lunch. And the “detective” hat he’s been trying to push on her since the beginning of the ep. Again, taking a page out of Full House’s book, are we?
18:00 Gramps reveals the PTA is considering slashing the budget – including cutting the school nurse.
21:00 Shelbs has a solid theory for the case and calls her Detective boss back in to do some questioning, but really, neither of them are legit. Shelbs fingers the nurse and says she used the needle to poison the hot dogs without opening the packaging, and she did it to prove she needed to keep her job. I was half right.
22:00 Tim feels bad about putting the blame on his mom, but ultimately realizes it’s fine because she’s just a super vegetarian who just wants to push her ideals on her son and his teenage friends.
They fired the nurse! I feel like IRL there would’ve been a lawsuit against her, but there’s only 22 minutes in Woo World.
The executive story editor for this show is Suzanne Collins – and if that name rings a bell, it’s because she wrote The Hunger Games triology. She also wrote most of the novelizations for Shelby Woo, which explains why Katniss and Shelbs are basically the same. jk. ALSO, the director was Allison Liddi (-Brown), a person whose name I creepily recognized because she has directed eps of such shows as Parenthood, Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice AND The Secret World of Alex Mack, among others. Her resume reads as my life story.
We’re on Day 2 of Big Orange Couch Week – live blogging shows from the classic SNICK lineup – and let’s hope that couch has a nite lite nearby because things are about to get spoooooky. Today I’m rewatching one of the best-loved episodes of Are You Afraid of The Dark, the one where we learn the important lesson that you should never befriend the quiet, neglected-looking girl next door because she’s probably a ghost. Submitted for the approval of Cookies + Sangria, I present…
Episode Title: The Tale Of The Lonely Ghost
Air Date: August 26, 1992
A girl who desperately wants to be friends with her snotty cousin and her group of friends agrees to spend the night in the haunted house next door to become part of the group.
0:02 I remember getting so spooked out by the music and title sequence of this show as a kid- along with Unsolved Mysteries and The Twilight Zone – that I was terrified before the action even started.
And when I say “as a kid,” know that I am watching this episode on my lunch break at work so I don’t have to watch it alone in my 100-year-old house.
0:55 Have we ever established that Are You Afraid Of The Dark is set in Canada? Because the kids were always so CANADIAN. First of all, David says “sore-y.” And more Canadianly, he is apologizing because a girl bumped into him.
1:27 They made the kid with curly hair get a center-parted undercut hairdo, and he looks like a damn Newsie. But I just looked him up (Jacob Tierney) and if he looks like a Newsie these days, it’s one of those cute older Christian Bale-type ones where you’re, like, pretty sure he’s of age so it’s fine.Transformation Tuesday, y’all.
Then.
NOW.
1:38 Sorry Count: #2. Ugh, this part where they all talk in the beginning is still boring 23 years later. You’re the Midnight Society, not the Chit-Chat Club. And yes, “23 years later” will almost certainly be the scariest part of this live blog.
3:09 Like most Are You Afraid Of The Dark eps, this one begins with a girl arriving at a new town, this time because her parents are scientists who are “up north studying Inuit carvings.” This is more Canadian than Anne Of Green Gables host Hockey Night In Canada.
Amanda is an adorable young lady wearing a gigantic blousy shirt tucked into even bigger khakis with mid-butt-length hair. Yeah, put that in your tumblr and smoke it, “90s fashion bloggers.”
4:41 There’s an abandoned house next door that Amanda’s realtor aunt cannot sell, and you can tell that it’s haunted because the For Sale sign keeps falling over and it’s made of spooky natural wood.
5:11 Beth, Amanda’s cousin, looks like every bitchy teenage girl in the early 90s. The spikier the bangs, the bigger the attitude.
6:17 Amanda has to prove she’s “not a zeeb” (was nerd, dork, or geek not on the Nickelodeon-approved vocab list?), but then one of Beth’s ground rules is that Amanda has to put Beth’s stuffed animal collection back every day. Were stuffed animals cool for teens in 1992? I almost think yes. Like, Troll Dolls and Pillow People were big.
7:43 A disheveled woman introduces herself to Amanda as Nanny. I smell a plot point coming! She’s not even particularly old, just hunchy with bad hair. Plus what teenager has a nanny? Beth agrees.
9:41 Nanny hears Beth and Beth’s Realtor Mom talking about her, and maybe this is the scariest part of the show. Anyone else out there just terrified of overhearing people talk about them?
10:31 Backstory: A little girl who couldn’t talk lived in the haunted natural-wood house. The girl was supposed to stay with her grandmother when her mom went away, but got locked into her bedroom by some mean kids and died there. I have questions. Beth says the girl’s mom was gone for two weeks because her husband was sick, and her grandmother didn’t know she was supposed to be coming. But even in the 1940s or whatever (Beth says “the war”), wouldn’t the mom have made a single call to make sure that the grandma would be home or that the kid got there safely? Especially since the child is speech or hearing impaired?
Anyway, Amanda has to go to the little girl’s death room so that she can be friends with Beth and Beth’s shitty friends. Which … why would she want to?
14:01 The words Help Me are scrawled backwards on the walls of the house. Hey Beth’s Realtor Mom, I, uh, think I know why the house isn’t selling.
14:36 A little girl wearing a white nightgown with a grown-out mullet bowlcut – the haircut of an unloved child – appears in the mirror and beckons to Amanda. So this is the dead girl, I assume, but why the nightgown? After she got locked in she was just like “ho, hum, better go change into these jammies to die in?”
15:00 Amanda’s “Running Away From A Ghost” music is twinkly jazz piano.
15:55 Beth’s Realtor Mom makes the girls clean Help Me off the walls as a punishment after Amanda rats out her cousin. Amanda wears 2015-approved overalls. No… wait. It’s like an overall dress?
17:30 A mirage of the room filled with dolls and stuffed animals appears in the mirror, and instead of freaking out about the time and space-ness of it all, Beth just gawks at the “awesome collection.” I still don’t think the titles Head Bitch and Teenaged Doll Collector really go together.
17:55 Beth goes through the mirror and the Neglected Bowlcut Girl comes out. Win some/lose some, eh? All the kid wants to do is give Amanda a locket. Why would anyone give their child a locket? It only means they’re going to get orphaned or become a ghost. Never ends well. Anyway, Nanny’s picture is in the locket. SHOCKING.
19:22 They’re overall shorts. Shortalls.
So that’s one mystery solved, but we’re still not going to learn why the child can’t talk, are we?
20:17 Amanda gives Nanny the other half of the locket. What happens to missing or neglected children who DON’T have a half locket?
21:24 Nanny went through the mirror. Is she… dead now? Neglected Bowlcut Girl is now wearing day clothes and her hair is better.
22:17 Beth’s friends are all in the haunted house, which they refused to go in before, and are all casual about their bitchy friend being stuck in a mirror. But then Amanda opens the closet door and Beth falls out, and they’re all going to be friends all summer! Everything’s great for everyone! Except Neglected Bowlcut Girl who got bullied to death.
23:31 David gives Kristin ( a pre- Clueless Rachel Blanchard) a locket for her birthday. Great, David. Now she’s going to get kidnapped or orphaned.
Welcome to the first day of our Big Orange Couch Week, when we revisit five of our favorite shows that were among the classic SNICK Saturday night lineups from the 1990s, and liveblog them!
Today, we’re kicking it all off with Clarissa Explains It All and Sick Days, the season one finale. Of course, back then, finales for Nick shows didn’t end in some ‘Who Shot J.R.?’ cliffhanger (that reference was relevant, right?), so many of these eps were stand-alones, which made it perfect for syndication. That being said, Sick Days is classic Clarissa: tension between her and her parents, tension between her and her little turd brother, Ferguson, and possible sexual chemistry between her and her BFF Sam. Let’s go back in time and see what happens when Clarissa plays sick – only to backfire on her soon enough.
Episode Title: Sick Days
Air Date: June 1, 1991
Clarissa fakes sickness in trying to get out of her part in the school pageant. But, when the play turns out to be a success, Clarissa truly becomes ill.
T: I do not remember this episode, but judging by the description, it’s going to be a GREAT one.
M: I vaguely remember it, but 1991 Molly would be floored that she was watching it at age 28 via an app and an internet connection on her flatscreen. Or, she would be floored if she knew what any of those things meant.
0:15 T: Does Clarissa have a lisp?
0:45 T: Whoa Janet Darling’s outfit is very Mom Jeans-esque!
T: My memories of Janet Darling – she is obsessed with healthy food. Like seaweed and sprouts and tofu.
M: Yes! And Marshall was an architect whose buildings were always like the architectural version of a Claudia Kishi outfit.
M: I feel like moms have stopped saying “pronto.”
T: I feel like everyone has stopped saying “pronto”.
1:04 Opening Credits T: I don’t remember quirky pajamas being part of Clarissa’s ‘thing’?
M: Were those pool ball pajamas? Do tweens play pool? I know there wasn’t an internet in 1991 but I still don’t remember recreating at pool halls.
This theme song sounds wrong. The NaNas are too fast and Clarissa isn’t wearing that weird aerobicise outfit.
2:44 M: Clarissa outfit #2: Black top with giant floral bell sleeves, denim cuffed jorts over polka dot bike shorts, teva(?) belt, pink chiffon hair scarf, daisy earrings, big freaking watch.
2:53 T: Sam asked Clarissa for help as he walked up the ladder and handed her an aquarium… did he climb up to the second story with this glass aquarium in his one hand?
M: Shhhh. My inner child can hear you.
T: Sam is like the Joey Potter to Clarissa’s Dawson. I’m sure this comparison hasn’t even been brought up before.
M: Between this, D.C., and Saved By The Bell, I was definitely lead to believe that in high school I’d have straight male friends crawling through my window all the time. Also that I’d have a straight male friend. NOT!
Remember “Not?” That was a thing people said a lot in 1991, it was like the “said nobody ever” unfunny punchline of the early ’90s.
T: Also did the all of this show’s budget just go toward’s Melissa Joan Hart’s wardrobe? Because the actor who played Sam looks like he straight up rolled out of bed and walked onto the set.
M: Sam Outfit #1: A giant blue Hanes t-shirt, rumpled plaid shorts from a man.
4:50 T: Sam – “I think this calls for the one sure-fire method of getting a sick day.” Clarissa: “What is it?” Sam – “Take it!” Sam’s comic timing is great. I’m not even being sarcastic.
T: As a kid I thought this show was ‘ahead of its time’, however now it just looks incredibly low-budget.
M: I think it actually looks ahead of its time compared to the Nick/Disney shows of today (I mean I love Girl Meets World, but otherwise). Instead of those slick production values, it looks more “indie” or “real.”
Wait, were those just words for cheap?
T: Yes.
6:16 T: Marshall – “You’ve had two children, you’re not the same woman you were when you were 18.” Besides the fact he’s being a tad misogynistic, it really doesn’t matter if she can fit in it or not because this dress still sucks and she shouldn’t be wearing it.
M: Reunion themes like “wear what you wore in high school” are the reason we skipped our 10-year. Even though those boot-cuts and handkerchief hemlines are really calling my name.
6:50 M: Clarissa outfit #3: Giant robe, pajamas without billiards ephemera on them. Try harder, Darling.
7:10 T: MJH is doing her best coughing acting work and that is saying something.
8:37M: Clarissa Outfit #4: I can’t see it behind the giant aquarium Sam carried one-handed up a two-story ladder.
9:50 T: Clarissa’s outfit is back in style and I think I hate it.
M: Clarissa Outfit #5: A thing I think I saw a youth wear on the bus a few weeks ago
T: Soy muffin. Take a shot for Janet’s healthy weird snacks.
M: Janet’s 1991-weird food is stuff that’s all over Pinterest and instagram now. Oh, what 20 years will do.
11:30 T: Janet calls the family doctor, Dr. Festerspoon, to check on Clarissa. Did doctors still make house calls in ’91 or is this a result of low-budge and not being able to afford a medical office?? Also why would a sick doctor make a house call to a sick child???
M: And why is he from, like, the Progressive Era? Also of course Clariss has a rhinovirus, her room is a nest of dusty plants, hats, stuffed animals, and aquatic life. I feel germy just looking at it. Speaking of aquatic life: Clarissa Outfit #6: pajamas with a repeating trout motif.
12:30 T: Dr. Festerspoon suggests Clarissa’s common cold could escalate to “The Schezuan Flu” if she didn’t take care of herself… and then an Asian-sounding gong playing right after he said “The Schezuan Flu”…
T: What was the point of the guitar riff every time Sam came in?
M: Sexual tension music. But where “sex” is, like, exchanging slap bracelets and waving glowsticks in unison.
14:20 T: Clarissa – “I can’t miss Queen Latifah!” … because Queen Latifah is making a guest appearance at a small Ohio middle school for their Ancient Greece day, and it makes sense, obviously.
M: Wait, this is OHIO?
T: Per Wikipedia, it is!
15:25 M: Clarissa is trying to act like she feels better and she just put on the same outfit from earlier. I’m not counting it.
T: I just realized that both Marshall and Janet are home during the day? What are their jobs??
M: Architect and museum person. I, uh, watched a lot of Clarissa.
But seriously, this isn’t the mixed-up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. You go to museums in the DAYTIME, I’m sure of it.
T: Clarissa’s phone isn’t the same one I used to covet? Did she just upgrade her season 1 phone to a clear one in the later seasons?
M: She absolutely did. My sister had the clear one – and her own phone line – and I thought it was the coolest thing in the universe. And I was right.
18:50 OMG CLARISSA’S U-N-I-T-Y OUTFIT
M: Clarissa’s Outfit #6: A Cultural Appropriation Headband. Next week’s episode: Clarissa Explains White Privilege.
19:37M: Clarissa and Sam try to sneak out, but are thwarted by Ferg-Wad dressed as a Greek Cloud. Sam is again wearing a giant crumpled top that belongs to a dad.
20:53 M: To get Clarissa to stay home and convalesce from Asian Disease, Marshall plies her with any video rental she wants. Sometimes I forget about life before Netflix, when a sick day meant watching Wheel of Fortune or soap operas unless your parent did you a solid and picked up Beetlejuice.
21:12 M: Clarissa’s Outfit # Whatever: A floral top, honestly pretty good bangs for 1991, and I can’t pay attention to the rest because I’m looking at her awesome watermelon drinking glasses.
22:00 M: Man, what I wouldn’t give to tour Nickelodeon Studios, Universal Studios, in Orlando Florida during its heyday. Heck, I’d settle for a t-shirt. That I’d wear with two pairs of layered shorts and an African headband in Clarissa’s honor.
T: Nickelodeon Studios, Universal Studios, in Orlando, Florida was the MECCA for our generation. RIP.
Okay, you know those movies and shows that everyone has seen, and when it comes up in conversation you just sort of nod and hope nobody asks you anything? I have a lot of those. The entire Godfather series, for example. I know. Anyway, we’re both out to tackle our pop culture blind spots and find out if the phenomenon we’ve missed out on are really all they’re cracked up to be.
Our first installment is a cinematic masterpiece that is the zenith of my generation’s teen entertainment. It stars Britney Spears and was written by a young Shonda Rhimes. And I’m pretty sure I’ve told like 5 people that I’ve seen it when it came up in conversation. That was a lie.
Ladies and gentlemen, Crossroads.
0:00 Not only have I refrained from seeing this movie since it came out in 2002, I have also been pushing it down our post queue for, like, two months. So I think a lot of our Pop Culture Blind Spots are movies, shows and albums that we’ve avoided because a still small voice said “another episode of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, why don’t we?”
1:00 Taryn Manning, Zoe Saldana, Shonda Rhimes? This was an incubator for stars of the future.
1:20 … and the past. Kool Mo Dee, anyone? [Edit – next morning: I cannot remember where or how Kool Mo Dee appeared in this movie.]
I have already had to pause this to laugh at the Brit Spears voice over.
1:40 The wardrobe department did a very good job on the 90s flashback jacket for young Zoe Saldana (Kit, but it sounds like Britney is saying Kid). It’s easy to picture “90s kids clothes” today, but when it was only a couple years after the fact it was hard to remember what has changed. Like, if you told me to dress a child like it’s 2007, I’d put it in …. an Obama Hope logo tee shirt? No clue.
By the way, young Britney is played by Jamie Lynn Spears, before her life and career went in a totally different direction. You could almost say she was …. at a crossroads.
2:20 There’s a time capsule. I’m hooked.
3:00 Oh thank God. Britney is singing again. Madonna’s Open Your Heart, which is really more suited to a televised mass wedding, to be honest.
3:51 BRIT IS THE VALEDICTORIAN. This is important.
4:10 PENNSATUCKY IS A PREGNANT TEEN. This is more important. I also am not sure how or when Taryn Manning became typecast as the redneck bad girl from the wrong side of the tracks, but she is so amazing at it.
OMG THIS FOREVER YES.
5:50 Why is Brit in a prom dress AFTER graduation? Do they do that in … is this Louisiana?
In my day (2 years after this movie was made) graduation night was the first chance you had to start never seeing most of those people ever again.
6:36 Britney Acting Range: Emotion #1: Pouty. She cries over missing out on high school stuff to become the valedictorian. When she says “I was like ‘is this it?'” you can almost see her straining to recall memorized dialogue.
7:23 They’re at some sort of fancy post-grad soiree. I forgot how shiny and pink 2002 was. Saldana is rocking the rows of twisted hair into a bun look. Sans butterfly clips, because it’s not 1999 here.
Reminiscent of the best Zoe Saldana role of all time, Eva in Center Stage.
10:30 Brit and her Nerdy Male Friend (Lucy and Henry, which sounds more like a preschool class in 2015 than a high school class in 2002) prepare to have sex for, presumably, the first time. There is a scarf strewn over a bedside lamp. Does anyone toss a scarf over a lamp before sex IRL? Anyone? Seems like a fire haz.
Henry, BTW, is Justin Long in his early career.
12:45 Pennsatucky fights with a guy with molded vertical Ken Doll hair.
14:38 The Time Capsule was so boring. Oh my god, so boring. They put in emblems of their hopes and dreams, which is exactly as not-interesting as it sounds. Saldana wanted to get married, Brit wanted to find her mom, and Pennsatucky wanted to get out of dodge.
Britney Acting Range: Emotion #2: Opening a box. Kind of neutral, but wouldn’t most of us be if we were opening such a boring-ass time capsule?
17:10 Brit calls her mom “mother” which gives me hope that things will turn Baby Jane/ Psycho / SOMETHING.
Yo remember those slim-fit rugby shirts we used to wear? I assume there’s a name for them.
That one shirt we all had.
19:40 Bucket hat. Trailer park. They’re going to LA.
21:32 You know those people who,when you’re singing in the car, try to ~show off and sing really good? Britney Spears is that person.
Saldana has those sunglasses with a shape in rhinestone decals. Those are Paige Michalchuk sunglasses.
25:40 Ben was in jail. Ben is the guy they’re driving to LA with. Never take rides from a stranger, friends. That’s how you get serial killed.
27:00 Saldana is rocking some yellow-gold eyeshadow that I also sported a lot c. 2002. I thought it made my blue eyes “pop” but I looked like a baby that needed to get put under those jaundice lights.
Also they’re buying Funyuns. Do people actually like those?
29:00 Dan Aykroyd wants Brit to come home. I have avoided mentioning that Dan Aykroyd was her father till now because it pains me.
31:10 Those shirts with the thin neck scarf thing attached! I had roughly the same top as Saldana has on.
32:18 Pennsatucky and Saldana fight. If anything is redeeming in this movie, it’s Taryn Manning. She is amazing.
Britney Spears Acting Range: Emotion #3: Frustration. Broken-down car on road trip.
35:55 The girls do a Karaoke performance to make money. I Love Rock n Roll. I forgot about that Britney Spears cover. Spears packed a crimper in their luggage, apparently; thank God. She also has one of those shirts where the writing on it is split open in front of her cleavage, and her underwear is a solid inch above her low-rise jeans. Okay. So I have adjusted to the 90s fashion revival, but it’s really going to sting when the early 2000s come back.
38:00 Did you ever notice that Britney changes the end of every word that ends in an “ee” sound into an “ay” sound? ‘He was with may.’ I think that must have been part of the Mickey Mouse Club training protocol, because the late 90s boy bands did that, too. Or is it a very specific accent native to the Oakwood?
43:00 The girls have a slumber party at the house from Pretty Baby.
I waited to add images til my lunch break, and I can’t look up Pretty Baby at work because… have you seen Pretty Baby? But Google it and you’ll see that the set design is 100% the same.
Child!Saldana went to fat camp. Is fat camp real? Has anyone been? Will you write a guest post? I’m dying to know more.
You know what this movie is missing? The Shonda Rhimes cadence from Scandal. Where they all “talk like THIS, like.. they are reading a SLAAAM… poem.”
46:00 Wait, Pennsatucky is pregnant because she got date raped? This just got dark.
50:10 How many sing alongs do they have to do? I mean I know it’s a road trip movie… with Britney Spears in it… but I want to leave sing alongs to Man! I Feel Like A Woman on my high school tennis bus where they belong.
54:20 Car Owner Ben was arrested for helping his sister get away from his stepdad. This is the least fun road trip ever.
57:45 NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Nobody told me that Britney was going to dramatically recite the lyrics to Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. I would have remembered if somebody told me that. I would have steeled myself for it. Britney Spears Acting Range: Emotion #5: Poetess.
Shouldn’t a valedictorian be better at writing?
1:00:00 Kim Cattrall is here. Maybe that will help. She’s Brit’s mom, who lives in a McMansion. Lots of white, light oak, and giant floral arrangements. The decor preferences of a total bitch. She is dressed like the Crocodile Hunter, may he rest in peace.
1:06:40 Ben set Brit’s “poem” to music. That’s what I’ve been watching for over an hour? The origin story of Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman? Britney Jean Spears’ fifth-best single? Now anybody who knows me knows that I love early 2000s-era Britney … hell, all the Britneys… but this is just too much.
“Not a girl, not yet a woman.” So, a teenager. That’s a teenager.
1:09:20 They’re singing in the car again (If It Makes You Happy by Sheryl Crow, this time). Oh Christ Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God. Sing With All The Saints In Glory. Why? If I wanted to listen to someone sing Sheryl Crow in the car I would go run errands with my mom.*
* If you like me even a little bit, you would love my mom.
1:12 I’m sure they explained this in between sing alongs, but how do they have the money to stay at all these hotels? Car Owner Ben? Now they’re in LA in a room with a beach view that looks like it would be the set of a Mary Kate And Ashley original movie. One of them would be the girly, sweet one and the other would be the sporty, funny one and their names would be Cleo and Baylee. Or Maddi and Lylah. Or Trixie and Summer.
Shea and Maxie?
1:14:02 Ben has a back piece of angel wings, but make no mistake, he’s no Helena.
1:15:40 Oh shit. Saldana’s BF is hooking up with some hussy AND he’s wearing one of those zip up bowling shirt things. AND he raped Pennsatucky. So obvi Pennsatucky owes nothing to anybody at this point, but wouldn’t you do a friend a solid and tell her that her BF/Fiance is a rapist? Or like slip it into a note since it’s an uncomfy convo. I’d say you could text it, but in 2002 that would have taken like 15 minutes and that’s IF your plan had texting.
1:18:20 Pennsatucky fell down the stairs getting away from Rapist Dylan and lost the baby. This road trip is the pits. Is anything good going to happen to her ever, or is this an early 2000s cautionary tale about going to parties in the first place or some-such?
I feel like this is an e.e. cummings poem where Milly (Brit) gets to befriend a fallen star whose rays five languid fingers were, and freaking Molly (Pennsatucky, Saldana) has to get chased by a terrible thing that runs sideways blowing bubbles.
1:24 So Pennsatucky sat out her miscarriage or whatever, and now they’re ready to go.
**** At this point, I went to take a picture of the screen but was accidentally on selfie mode. It’s against my better judgement to post this, but this is the ACTUAL UNALTERED FACE I WAS MAKING while watching this:
Those aren’t so much eyes as saucers brimming with confusion. ***
1:25 Dan Aykroyd comes to collect Brit. She says “don’t make me run, let me go.” Then she hands him her locket so that he can keep half of it and find her at an orphanage in 10 years, and she leaves to make out with the guy she met that week.
There’s a billboard for Spy Kids in the background, to give you an idea of what era we’re in.
And if there were still any doubt of what era we’re in, Brit sings at an American Idol-esque audition wearing a criss-cross crop top with enormous billowing sleeves. Pennsatucky and Saldana, fresh off a miscarriage and finding out her fiancé is a rapist, respectively, sing backup.
1:29 They make a new time capsule, but with no wishes for the future, because I guess Britney is the only character who has one at this point. For they are not girls, not yet women.
As far as we’re concerned, the hills are always alive with the sound of music. We both grew up on the Julie Andrews classic, and last year we live blogged NBC’s attempt at a live action production. Traci even took a Sound of Music tour in Europe. But something had escaped us until now: the 1956 German version of the story, Die Trapp-Familie. The later American film and musical, The Sound Of Music, is not a word-by-word remake of Die Trapp Familie – it is just based on the same story – so we needed to know what was different!
Where curiosity knocks, YouTube answers … and we live blog. Enjoy!
M: Okay, one similarity between Die Trapp Familie and every American movie from the 50s: those 10-minute-long opening credits over scenery where they show the credit for every cast and crew member. I applaud whoever first moved those to the end.
This, basically.
M: Maria teaches a class full of kids, which makes a nice set up for her later dealings with the Von Trapp kids.
One plus of closed captioning: they can explain the translations that require a bit of cultural context. For instance, little Austrian kids say “devil” and “thunderstorm,” which – who knew? – are “mild expressions of anger.” Maybe the captioner realized that German always sounds a little angry if your ears are usually tuned into English.
I can totally picture a little 1940s child saying “oh, thunderstorms!” when he is expressing mild anger.
T: Maria is told ‘Girls shouldn’t whistle at all!’ because God Hates Whistling was the original God Hates F*gs.
M: I might be losing it, but in the scene with the abbess, you can almost tell exactly what’s being said without even reading the captions. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen The Sound Of Music one too many times. But seriously, would they please sing “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?”
M: Maria’s traveling outfit looks like it was stolen from Thoroughly Modern Millie. Also one of the items she packs appears to be a stick with some streamers on it. Is this a German thing I don’t know about, maybe? It’s like when a kid packs to run away from home, and they bring a teddy bear and, like, a handful of Connect 4 tokens.
T: This version of Maria is also much more aloof than the Julie Andrews version – not only is she whistling, but she’s sliding down staircases because she thinks it’ll get her to the chapel faster.
M: This version was filmed a lot closer to World War II than The Sound Of Music, AND it’s a German production. Things were still very touchy in the post-war period, so now I’m very interested to see how it’s handled.
T: Captain Von Trapp is very non-Captain like? Or is it because I’m so accustomed to Christopher Plummer? This dude seems more like an awkward and trepidatious waiter from Sardi’s.
M: Oh man, the entrance of the Von Trapp kids is just as good in this version, and is actually barely different from the American scene. I’m thinking either (1) both are pretty true to life, (2) the Sound Of Music was actually heavily influenced by Die Trapp Familie, or (3) as a matter of course, all children used to enter rooms in single file lines wearing matching pert sailor suits.
T: This is the trippiest version of Sound of Music I’ve ever seen.
M: NEW NAME ALERT. Rupert = Friedrich; Werner = Kurt, Agatha = Liesl, Hedwig = Brigitta, Maria = Louisa, Rosemarie = Marta, Martina = Gretl. These are actually the real Von Trapp kids’ names (I looked it up). Except, for some reason, “Rosemarie,” whose real name was Johanna. Makes sense.
So, the American version traded up for an even MORE stereotypical Austrian/German name than each child’s real name. Except Hedwig, which is pretty hardcore.
T: For some reason, in my head I’m confusing this movie with both Annie and Sister Act.
M: Maria has abandoned her Daisy Buchanan travel dress and she’s broken out the dirndl. Now they’re all ready to do whatever the Die Trapp Familie version of Do Re Mi is. But first: curtain outfits. Or in this case, table cloth outfits.
This fabric.
T: OMGGG this is so boring without the music. Also maybe because I don’t speak German?
M: I’m still disappointed nobody went to the hills to sing Do Re Mi. There’s a thunderstorm, so I have to hope that maybe some singing will happen?
T: ONE CAN ONLY HOPE.
M: NEVER MIND. The primary lyrics in what we know as the My Favorite Things scene: “Hop, hop, hop. Horsie, Run, Gallop!” It does sound marginally better in German.
T: Also the captain is a horrible actor and doesn’t have an ounce of chemistry with the Baroness, who is much older. Also he doesn’t have chemistry with Maria either. Will there be a twist where they don’t actually end up together in the end??
M: Die kinder are “playing u-boat.” This is not a joke based on cultural stereotype.
T: I mean, IDK about you, but I personally played “pagoda” and wore rice hats on the reg.
M: Oh, we used to play potato famine. You just didn’t eat potatoes.
When the kids finally DO sing, they are harmonizing much more nicely than in the American movie. Not-Gretl has a cute voice. She’s my favorite. Also, the stick with streamers was just the end of her guitar. OOPS.
T: “The country bumpkin is leaving!” – She’s a nun, folks.
Boys aren’t allowed to be with the girls? WHY IS THIS A RULE AMONG SIBLINGS
M: Creepy.
T: The Captain is sneezing and if I didn’t know the end of this already, I’d assume it was foreshadowing for some kind of pneumonia that kills him.
M: Christmas scene! They trim one of those old-fashioned trees that’s shaped like the cross between a shrub and a sea-monster. With live candles. And…a sparkler? Captain holds the lit sparkler at Maria’s face while she talks longingly at him.
I AM FIVE YEARS OLD
THIS IS NOT A GOOD ACTIVITY.
T: The Captain’s randomly lit sparkler is dangerously close to both him and Maria. Why even does he have this and why did he find it necessary to light at this very moment.
M: Fun fact: the children sing Silent Night – original German lyrics of course, but the captions directly translate the German lyrics. “The faithful, highly holy parents, who gaze on a beautiful child with curly hair.” Eh, it’s no “adieu, adieu, to you and you and you-oo,” but it’ll do.
See, this is why translation software like Smartling takes context into account. Because these word-by-word translations are just awkward. Though I did like learning “oh, thunderstorms!” as a mild expression of anger.
M: With all of the scenes the American version uses, I’m really surprised they don’t use this one. I mean. CHRISTMAS. Maybe some of the Austrian traditions would just come across weird to U.S. audiences. Like the Captain giving every child in the village wooden clogs in Maria’s name. That IS an Austrian tradition, right?
T: “Every child in the abbey today receives a pair of sturdy clogs in your name” AUSTRIA: WHERE EVERY CHILD WANTS A STURDY PAIR OF CLOGS
M: The children put on a play, but they’re shadows behind a sheet, and they are accompanied by Maria on the …. I’m calling it a harpsichord. I guess it’s supposed to be charming and innocent, but it’s creepy instead.
T: The kids are putting on a shadow play of Sleeping Beauty. I don’t know anything about Austrian Christmas traditions, but is this really one of them?
M: Well, the American adaptation of the story had to cut something to fit in all those “auf wiedersehen, good nights.”
T: I appreciate that one of these kids plays the recorder. Can anyone in America say their 5th grade recorder lesson in music class helps them today in their recorder careers???
This Baroness bitch just told Maria to act in a more restrained manner around the Captain, and tells her he’s in love with her. Maria is shocked, SHOCKED to learn this, and her initial reaction is to leave ASAP.
“My dear child, you may know your prayer book, but about yourself, you know nothing.” – The Baroness, a little shit stirrer.
I feel like everything is happening super fast now and all of a sudden the Captain’s in love with Maria. In SoM that didn’t happen until at LEAST the 3rd hour.
Maria consults with Mother Abbess on matters of the heart, and after their convo, she goes back to the Captain and tells him Mother Abs told her she “must” marry him. I mean, okay.
This whole agreeing to marry each other before kissing this is just so foreign. Not just because this is in German.
M: I hate it. Captain and Maria get engaged, they kiss finally, the kinder cheer. The nuns get Maria all gussied up for the wedding (it’s a 1950s German movie kind of gussied).
CHEMISTRY.
T: The wedding just ended and they cut to a crying baby, because they have one now. And the Captain basically just confronted Maria about not paying attention to him enough as she freaking feeds their baby with a bottle.
M: Die Kinder are really getting into their singing, but it’s much more churchy and less catchy than in the American version.
T: For the first time, seeing the kids all together and singing and playing instruments is extremely creepy to me, for some reason? It’s got a similar sweatshop vibe but not as harsh…?
M: I haven’t counted how many times die kinder have sang the word hallelujah but we’re well into the dozens, maybe hundreds. Makes “la, a word to follow so” feel positively inspired.
T: I must’ve missed something because the “Doctor” who is dressed like a Priest is now conducting the kids, and he’s making them harmonize at the dinner table. Literally these kids are eating soup and he’s making them practice.
M: Delicious irony: Captain, in his mahogany and leather library, saying “we are poor people.” DRAMATIC.
T: I feel like because I’ve been watching this for so long (like an hour) I’m starting to understand German. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. I understand the words ‘ya’ and ‘Maria’.
M: Me too! I think it’s because my ear is picking up any word that is the same as in English – plus the, like, 5 German words I know.
M: Now the house is going to become a B&B, I suppose. Whatever, fine.
T: And the head butler now works at Reception and a bunch of Italians are the first guests. Is this seriously what happened???
Two of the boys see a sign on their travels about a singing competition and one of the kids says “it’ll be good advertising for the inn”, since that’s what their lives have come to now.
Is anyone going to sing Edelweiss or….?
M: Werner is crying before a performance. Werner WOULD. But they pull it together and sing a folk song (?) about hunting. With the kids lined up I can see that they were aged up a bit in the American movie. Was that specifically so they could do a teen plotline with Liesl, like soap operas do in the summer? Because in Die Trapp Familie, she looks more like 12 going on 13, tops.
T: “Bow-wow run you rabbits run you deer as fast as you can in the brambles! Else the huntsman comes with his flint musket and he shoots after you! Tra-ra, tra-ra!” WUT.
M: UGH. So… Nazis? Gonna happen?
M: Ah, here we go. Captain refuses to ‘heil’ at a guy in lederhosen. Well done, Die Trapp Familie.
T: YOOO FRANZ HAS BEEN A SECRET NAZI FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS
So we don’t get to see the fam hide in the convent? The police are there but Franz tells them they’re out and def not hiding in the library. And they trust him because he’s wearing a Nazi pin. Okay, Franz. I take the Tyra gif back.
Also, the set of this house looks like the Sound of Music Live! I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or not.
T: The Von Trapps make it to America, and we know this because of the realistic Statue of Liberty outside the window.
M: I already feel like the escape will be a lot less interesting without Rolf. But major bonus: we get to see Maria waiting to leave at some sort of American embassy or lounge. There’s jazz music, American flags, and men smoking cigars. Basically, the first ever America-themed party.
“A real attraction – a choir in leather shorts!” – The American dude who’s speaking in German
M: Germany: where the most harrowing part of the movie is an inefficient and slow bureaucracy. The family is holed up at the embassy (?) waiting for entry.
The American representative is speaking German, but he has that growelly, extra-rhotic “American” accent that happens when British people do a bad American impersonation.
T: It’s SO distracting!!
M: Oh. It’s Ellis Island? I missed something. The Americans are all dressed like friends of the Rat Pack: high waisted slacks, trilby hats, wide ties, pocket squares. The phrase “come on!” is not translated into German, because it transcends language, I suppose.
T: Again, did this whole thing go down at Ellis Island, because singing here to stay in the U.S. seems a little extreme.
M: The kids sing at Ellis Island, and the American execs gaze at them with hearts or maybe dollar signs in their eyes. Looks like die kinder Trapp are going to become the Von Trapp kids after all.
T: Do you think the baby Von Trapp is going to be part of this too because I’m starting to think they’ve just been holding a large down pillow this entire time.
M: YOOO I missed the baby and honestly thought he was clutching a pillow to his breast.
Representatives of all the nations of the world are in the embassy, like a full set of those Madame Alexander dolls in ethnic dress. And they all watch with tears of joy glistening in their eyeballs. Die kinder sing for.ev.er.
T: They sing for.ev.er. and it’s the creepy kind of singing that will for.ev.er. haunt me in my German-speaking dreams.
M: For the final performance, the kids sing this movie’s equivalent of So Long, Farewell. Except it’s Brahms’ lullaby instead. All the sentiment, none of the snap. Actually, that sums up my take on this movie in general. It doesn’t have the catchy Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes, but it’s still a sweet story with the same beautiful technicolor scenery. If you don’t mind reading your movies – or want to test out your semesters of college German – I’d say it’s worth 90 minutes.
T: Yeah, and this So Long, Farewell version has the lyrics, ‘Tomorrow morning, if it’s God’s will, you’ll be awakened again.’ Why do all these tunes sound so morbid to me?! Plus Maria breaks the fourth wall and says ‘Gud nacht’ into the camera. But I pretty much agree with Molly – it’s a sweet story, and if you’re into this kind of biopic, you’ll like it. But I think I was comparing it to Sound of Music too much, which obviously isn’t the way to go into this, but alas, here we are. TBH, I got bored in the beginning and had to stop and start again, but hey, different strokes for different kinder.
Last month, I revisited The Color of Friendship, a groundbreaking, Emmy award-winning Disney Channel Original Movie about racism both during Apartheid in South Africa and here in the U.S.
And this is something that couldn’t be more different.
Stuck in the Suburbs is a DCom that came out in July 2004, so right after we graduated high school. I would say that it’s because I was a “college kid” when this was released and why I didn’t watch it. But that doesn’t explain why I was into all of the High School Musicals and Hannah Montana and Wizards of Waverly Place, etc. The point is is that I never saw this. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I found out this even existed, because the one and only SNL great Taran Killam apparently plays a pop star in it? I’m not really sure, but I’m about to find out. Here are some of the most important things I missed out on in 2004 that I am happy to share with all of you 11 years later.
Taran Killam is the type of celebrity who is talented and cute but also is funny above all other things that the best job he can be is a comedian. Kinda like how Jimmy Fallon is like a “heartthrob” of SNL, Taran falls under the same category. What I’m saying is that Taran’s role as teen idol Jordan Cahill is completely believable but you know that he’s better than playing a pop star on the Disney Channel.
STARBURST ON THE COVER OF A TEEN BEAT-LIKE MAG!
Let’s just say I’m watching this not on a DVD, and I’m 97% sure someone uploaded it off their VHS tape.
Danielle Panabaker is in this. Still don’t know the which name belongs to her and her sister.
You know you’re old when you relate more to the suburban mom driving the mini-van than the four tween girls she’s driving home from soccer. Although I relate to them rushing home to sit in front of the TV to watch a TRL-esque show with their favorite pop star Jordan.
Jordan is really singing his heart out, you guys.
Oh god pop music wasn’t THIS bad back then, guys. I promise.
BEYONCE WAS MENTIONED SHE IS STILL RELAVANT. REMEMBER THESE ARE THE DESTINY’S CHILD DAYS.
The girls find out Jordan’s coming to town and there’s a screen shot of both four-way calling on land lines AND 10 million IMs trying to get Brittany’s attention. Ah, nostalgia.
*puts up away message. is actually still sitting in front of computer*
Brittany and her friends all have their lockers lined with pictures of Jordan, and say, “Good morning Jordan!” to it before blowing him a kiss. Ugh.
Brittany thinks Brenda’s character Natasha (Kwon-Schwartz, because, diversity) is so cool because she used to live in Europe, so Brittany in turn attempts to be cool to be her friend, and subsequently takes down all her Jordan paraphernalia. She obviously can’t hide it.
This is especially troubling when Brittany and Natasha go watch Jordan film a music video, mostly to make fun of all the other girls. Meanwhile, Jordan thinks his director’s suggestion of looking at his reflection in a puddle of water then splashing it away is extremely *shallow* and not the kind of artist he wants to be. Uh oh – someone’s gonna crack.
Plot Point: After the music video, Brittany bumps into one of Jordan’s entourage, and all her stuff falls on the ground, and his assistant Eddie also falls to th eground with his belongings going everywhere, and he accidentally takes Britt’s pink Nokia cell phone instead of Jordan’s high tech palm pilot that has access to TV and internet.
They each go a little while without recognizing that they have each other’s phones. Unrelatedly, Brittany is a songwriter. Good to know for later.
She’s channelling Mandy Moore from the Candy vid
Side Note: Jesse McCartney’s Good Life started playing and I’m ashamed/not ashamed that I could identify it.
Brittany refuses to give Eddie Jordan’s cell phone back. Like in reality tho, this adult is negotiating with a teenager. Grow some balls and get the damn phone back. Madonna has already called and Britt and Natasha already messed it up by answering then screaming into the phone.
Britt and Natasha also decide to have some fun with it by helping Jordan become more famous, I guess? So they saw he had a hair appointment thanks to his phone calendar, and Natasha told the hairdresser to cut off his famous long locks, bow in front of him, and serve him only raisins (he hates raisins). Luckily, he ended up liking the hair.
nice highlights
Oh and Britt’s mom is trying to save some old dilapidated house, which her mom calls the “only thing making their suburb unique”. Earlier, she went to the wrong house because everything looks the same in the suburbs. It’s like an ” an island of hope in a sea of sameness.”
So now this little teen is basically extorting Eddie and making him convince Jordan to play at her mom’s rally in order to get his phone back. Like how much time has passed since she’s had his phone – she’s intercepting calls from Jordan’s girlfriend!
Also, remember when trucker hats were in?
Anddddd they broke up.
So, turns out, Natasha had been lying about her living in Europe and her parents’ being divorce. Her dad actually does sales and was in Buffalo, and her folks aren’t even separated. Britt confronts her about it and they get in a fight, and what better way to show that by a montage of their like 4-day friendship.
I guess Jordan and Brittany are friends slash I stopped paying attention. I think he left to get away and be anonymous then ended up calling Brittany and now they’re phone friends??
Jordan’s director is chasing after him to finish the video the way they want to do it. Jordan and Britt (and third-wheel Natasha) are meeting to swap phones, and they end up in one of those huge industrial underground pipes, because, of course. In the pipe, Britt sneakily releases Jordan’s own version of the song he wanted to release – against his record label’s wishes.
Jordan agrees to sing for Britt’s mom’s fundraiser, mainly because he lived in a suburb just like the one Britt lives in, and HUMANITY! When he addresses the crowd, Jordan says, “It’s not what’s out there. It’s what’s in here,” pointing to his heart.AND OH LAWD another montage of Britt and Natasha’s friendship. Like, really, you need it that bad?
Taran’s singing (is it really him singing, tho?) is like him singing in a sketch in SNL, mainly because he keeps looking directly in the camera and making ridiculous faces and he’s not playing the guitar at all, like he doesn’t move his fingers for the entire scene {you should probs view the whole scene here}.
Ok, so now assistant Eddie is a pop star who took Jordan’s song and music video set???? And the girls are in the video? I’m so confused but I don’t even care. Also, I’m even more confused because the end of the movie went straight to a random British cartoon with a kid who said ‘Brilliant!’ and it’s obvious this was on the VHS before Stuck in the Suburbs.
British kid on a bike that powers the attached blender. Idk.
Hi friendos! It’s Hollywood’s biggest night tonight and we’ll be by your side to give you the play by play for all 10 hours of it! Just kidding. It’s more like 8. Either way, we’ll be starting our live blog at 7pm EST/4pm PST, so watch this space for updates.
As always, please refresh your browser window periodically to load our up-to-the-minute commentary. You can also follow us on Twitter for updates in 140 characters or less at @cookiessangria (a button linking directly to our Twitter is conveniently located in the sidebar!).
And watch this video of this year’s host, Neil Patrick Harris slaying at the 2013 Tony Awards. He’s obviously the king of awards shows, and this proves it. I confess I always cry when it gets to around the 5:40 mark. I mean Harvey Fierstein is crying, come on! I can’t wait to see what he does for the Oscars!
M: As of 6:30, the E! preshow is like a scene in a sitcom where they’re putting on a school play, and the kid isn’t on stage for his cue, and the piano keeps playing the intro over and over until he shows up. A lot of stalling as they wait for celebrities to speak with them.
From what I’m seeing, Margot Robbie is wearing a deep-necked black number that isn’t the sort of thing that usually makes my best dressed list, but it just might this time.
Anna Kendrick has a gorgeous pink-coral gown and looks exactly like you’d hope an actress who just played Cinderella would look.
And then the men are just wearing tuxes or whatever.
… which is the perfect segue to discuss #AskHerMore, the hashtag/movement spearheaded, in part, by our favs at Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls. The concept being that women on the red carpet are asked about their outfits but not the work they’re actually nominated for. Now, I do like knowing what people are wearing – and when dresses are comped/borrowed in exchange for plugging the designer, it’s also partially a business exchange. But, ask about the dress then move onto other things? Great! However, I don’t think that Ryan Seacrest asking Dakota Johnson what props she took home from 50 Shades Of Gray is quite what they had in mind.
The Theory of Everything was the first time I really saw Felicity Jones, and this is probably a weird comment but her teeth are adorable. And she and Marion Cotillard have like bubbly polka dots, almost? Is that a trend? I’m old.
T: HI. STILL NOT OVER THE MAGIC THAT IS LUPITA. A FREAKING ANGEL EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. Can she win tonight without even being nominated?
M: As far as I’m concerned, Lupita Nyong’o is winning every day of her life.
T: So I am lit’rally 10 minutes away from the Oscars right now, and I can tell you that it JUST starting raining again after an on/off morning. Also, it’s unusually “cold” (sorry East Coasters, feel free to smack me through the computer screen) here, so I can only imagine these people, especially the gals, freezing on the red carpet right now. YES I SAID FREEZING.
M: Yeah, I was sitting here thinking “don’t type cold… don’t type cold.” NEGATIVE 12 BEFORE WINDCHILL. Rain is a bummer though.
T: Listen. Cold is relative. It’s been scientifically proven that your body acclimates to the weather around you. Hence, 50s-60s is cold for the average 70-80s weather in Los Angeles.
M: I don’t think the human body can acclimate to negative temperatures. Mine just, like, quits. John Legend says that he’s a “Gucci man” and it looks like Chrissy Teagan is a coochie lady. As in I can almost see hers. Because her dress is slit, like, to her waist.
T: Um Zoe Saldana had a baby 3 MONTHS AGO and looks better than I have or ever will wtf
M: * Two. TWO BABIES. She looks great though. She somehow looks less tired as the mother of baby twins than I do as just an adult trying to function as a human.
M: Why is Chloe* Kardashian here and why is she wearing Samantha Parkington’s Christmas dress? Although she’s talking about her car spinning out last week, and that happened to me last year and my car was nearly totalled, and that shit is scary. But that still doesn’t mean you get to go to the Oscar’s red carpet.
* I realize that it’s Khloe but come on, that’s stupid.
Oooh and now she’s shitting on Anna Kendrick’s dress. Don’t step, Kardashian.
T: Kerry Washington ::emoji with heart eyes:: Honestly, sometimes I’m not that into her gowns but I will always always fangirl after her.
M: I appreciate that she’s always willing to try something different, but the top of it looked like a Fancy Lady Church Suit fabric. But she still looked better than your favs.
T: I just realized there’s still an hour before the show even BEGINS. Hunker down folks. Ration out the vodka and popcorn.
M: I’m already tired! I zoned out for a second because I was typing. Is that lady in the pink dress on E! Baby Spice??
She also looks like the little blonde one in Celtic Woman that they make dance around with a fiddle.
T: I have to also watch the Oscars.com red carpet for work and they’re actually interviewing the sound mixers from American Sniper… I mean kudos but… really?
M: I feel like they must have thought they were someone else. Also I couldn’t even come up with an intelligent question to ask them. “So, what does it… sound… like?”
T: They talked about the movie being successful. Nothing abound sound mixing. Probably a sign you shouldn’t be interviewing the sound mixers? #NoShadeToSoundMixers
M: Does that mean they’re giving that award out tonight? Lord give me strength.
We have now reached the part where the E! ladies talk about dresses and um… I don’t know. I’ll say what dresses I like and don’t like, but they’re a little mean. And not in the sassy old lady way Joan Rivers could be.
T: “Good luck tonight, BIRDMEN! Maybe you’ll be flying tonight! ….. Right??” Ugh whoever this person is on ABC.com talking to the Birdman sound mixers trying to make a punny joke. Yes, that’s two sound mixer interviews so far.
M: I’m trying really hard to make it known that I’m NOT throwing shade to sound mixers. I love when a movie sounds nice. Mix-wise. But umm…
M: E! just showed a far-away still shot of Chris Pratt helping Anna Farris out of a limo and even that maybe made me swoon a bit. What a lovely couple.
Speaking of adorable couples, Joanna Newsom and Andy Samberg.
And the only time I’ve read anything worthwhile on the E! news scroll: all of the sisters of the traveling pants are going to be godmothers to the other sister of the traveling pants’ baby. I missed the beginning of the message so, guys, it’s whomever is the pregnant one.
T: Props to JK Simmons to wearing a fedora on the night he *wins an Oscar* He’s also wearing a handkerchief that matches his wife’s dress. The Oscars = Hollywood’s prom, y’all.
Also, have you guys seen Damien Chazelle, the director of Whiplash? He’s 30 years old. The youngest director to be nominated. And only a year older than me. HE LOOKS LIKE A BABY.
M: He’s THIRTY? He looks like Seth Freaking Cohen. Ugh it’s so hard now that people are age are accomplishing big things; it doesn’t feel like there should even have been enough time between birth and now to get that far.
M: One shot I saw made it look like Jessica Chastain was wearing full-leg spanx. It looked like there was a nude-colored hemline at her ankle.
T: I’d probably wearing a full-body Spank (?) if I was on the red carpet at the Oscars. Luckily for everyone, that will never happen.
M: Look. If you could spanx your face so it stayed in the right non-creepy, attractive position the whole night, I’d even do that. I mean I guess Botox does that.
T: Because Big Hero 6 is nominated, the movie’s stars are obvi there, including Damon Wayans Jr. and Scott Adsit (Pete from 30 Rock) and it’s like.. weird to see them there? I feel like they should be on their respective sitcoms, even the dearly departed 30 Rock.
M: Between them and Pratt, I sort of love that my favorite sitcoms are represented. Oh! And Andy Samberg. But it is weird. Like seeing a teacher at the mall-weird.T: OH MY GOD A FILM EDITING NOMINEE IS TALKING ABOUT SPECS ABOUT CAMERAS HE USED FOR GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL. Who even.
M: You may think Traci works in entertainment news but like… come on, are you writing for a really specific trade journal or something? Why are they making you watch this? I’m so sorry and amused.
T: I think there were supposed to be more celebs on it? They ran out of people to interview, I guess, because this pre-show has been going on since Tuesday (I’m assuming)
M: Meanwhile on TV, they’re talking to Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. I feel like I’m watching any one of those weekly country music awards ceremonies.
M: Now that I’ve switched to ABC, I’m getting a second look at some actors. Like Kerry Washington. Her eye makeup is gorgeous and I didn’t notice that before.
Lady Gaga, who is I guess still famous? looks like a character from The Wizard Of Oz. The weird book series, not the movie. Like she’d be a fancy bird that sits on a clock or something. She also has developed a vaguely European accent. [And yet. She always seems like such a NICE person.]
T: CHRIS M’FIN EVANS. He brought his BFF Tara from home. Also brought his beard. And his handsomeness. God bless.
M: I have not seen a single Marvel movie (that’s the thing? with the heroes?) but I absolutely love him.
T: Yes! I have seen Iron Man. And Iron Man 2…. Guardians of the Galaxy is on its way from Netflix. I LOVE TELEVISION.
T: This is Lorelei Linklater from Boyhood, who has been absent from most of the awards show circuit, but WHO is that boy.
T: LITERAL LOL for the “best and whitest” joke.
GUYS I LOVE NPH AND SINGING ANNA KENDRICK ANNA KENDRICK ANNA KENDRICK
M: SUCK IT KARDASHIAN.
For the folks at home, my dog just basically peed herself (it’s this weird hormonal thing, she’s house trained, NO1Curr.) Oscars opening number is the worst time ever to have to clean up a dog’s pee fur.
T: Also, glad I watched Gone Girl on Valentine’s Day (romantic) because seriously would’ve been spoiled during the ‘slit his throat’ line during this opening.
M: It didn’t even register that that was a spoiler but yeah, glad I read it first (which will TOTALLY spoil the movie once I get around to it.)
Can we get a lip read on Oprah after NPH told her she was rich?
I don’t listen to audio books, but if Lupita Nyong’o read them I’d listen to the entire Bible.
Best Supporting Actor
Robert Duvall, The Judge
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Traci’s Pick: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
I’m kind of scared to watch Whiplash based on the one clip I’ve seen of JK Simmons bullying the crap out of Miles Teller. I’m not good at disobeying authority figures.
Molly’s Pick: J.K Simmons, Whiplash
I did see Whiplash and it’s exactly like Traci said.
Winner: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
M: I mean, he seems very nice in real life. He wants us to call our parents.
T: NO FEDORA?! COME ON JK SIMMONS. IT WAS YOUR MOMENT.
I also like that we can see Jared Leto super clearly because of his amazing lavender suit.
I also like that NPH gets to show off his magic skills during the show.He’s really really good.
M: Remember this two-minute bit about a suitcase locked in a box when the show is 10 minutes over and they cut all of the major winners off after 30 seconds.
I have trouble understanding how Dakota Johnson is here.
SO BORED during Adam Levine’s song. It’s a fine song, the lighting design is good, but the show is only 20 minutes in and it already feels like a long one.
Best Costume Design
Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Mark Bridges, Inherent Vice
Colleen Atwood, Into the Woods
Anna B. Sheppard and Jane Clive, Maleficent
Jacqueline Durran, Mr. Turner
Traci’s Pick: Colleen Atwood, Into the Woods
Colleen has been nominated in this category 11 times and has won thrice, and her fabulous fantasy forest couture could win her the fourth.
Molly’s Pick: Colleen Atwood, Into The Woods
From Cinderella’s Delia*s ball dress to Jack’s little Swedish Burberry model outfit, these costumes were perfection.
Winner: Milena Canonero, The Grand Budapest Hotel
M: Actually, that’s pretty fair.
M: NPH, you’re so cute you don’t need to scrunch your nose when you smile.
T: So The Grand Budapest Hotel is winning a lot of awards tonight, then? I mean, okay.
These young Oscar winners or whatever Channing Tatum is introducing make me feel like if I were up there, I’d probably burst out crying. Meryl Streep AND LUPITA?? I’d die.
M: This Polish director of Ida is so adorable.
T: …Is it weird that whenever I hear Mauritania, I think of the boat that picked up the survivors of the Titanic?
M: Wasn’t the Mauritania the one at the beginning when Sassy Rose is like “it doesn’t look any bigger than the Mauritania?” then Cal has to be a dick and tell us like exactly how much longer the Titanic is?
Hi. My name is Molly and I watched Titanic so many times in 6th grade that I still have it memorized.
T: Yes. That is correct. Us with Titanic:
M: I hope this seat filler isn’t going to get in trouble for acknowledging her existence.
T: I love you Steve Carrell, but I was distracted trying to figure out if that was Idris Elba behind him.
M: Ha what, Tegan and Sara and Lonely Island are performing Everything Is Awesome? And now I’m going to have this in my head all night.
T: THE LONELY ISLAND. THESE FOLKS ARE PERFORMING ON THE OSCARS RIGHT NOW:
❤ Jorma ❤
Also, GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER ANDY SAMBERG
QUESTLOVE! IS THIS THE REAL DEVO GUY
M:I didn’t stop smiling through the whole number. Like mouth-open smiling. LEGO OSCAR THAT THEY GAVE TO OPRAH. Everything is awesome. Everyone in the crowd is making the same dopey grin that I am.
M: I don’t know what the seating situation is at the Oscars with much specificity, but maybe don’t put the nominees in the balcony? The guy who won for short film just said “crikey” and then said that the statuette was heavy “because we’re only little.” Bless.
T: I want to talk like this donut dude for the rest of the night.
M: Or TO him, maybe? Like he could do some of that lame banter they give to the presenters.
Kerry Washington is not joking even a little bit about pronouncing the foreign nominees’ names properly. Smarter than your favs, too.
M: Gwyneth Paltrow, you may be beautiful and classy, but your sleeve still looks like cabbage.
T: Honestly, guys, Country Strong wasn’t THAT bad. Just me? Okay.
M: I thought it was all right. Am I supposed to admit that? Oh well.
T: I AM ACTUALLY CLAPPING OUT LOUD FOR NPH RN.
T: Oh good the sound mixing/editing categories!!!!
M: Any predictions or favorites?
T: Whoever was interviewed earlier. I don’t think it was these guys? Ugh who knows. #AllWhiteMenLookTheSame
M: Particularly white men over the age of 60 or so. And white babies. It’s like all white people start life looking the same way, diverge a bit for a little while, then end up at the same place.
T: Oh actually I think American Sniper was one of them. Congrats boys!
M: Now it’s sound editing, which is an entirely different thing from sound mixing. I do not dispute that good sound editing/mixing is integral to a movie, but it also seems like something that might be more comfortable at the technical awards.
M: Jared Leto, wearing a tux the color of his eyes. Which would be fine if his eye were black or off-white. Catalano does what he wants.
T: WWJCD (the other WWJD)
M: Emma Stone holding a Lego Oscar was about the cutest thing ever. And Meryl, not at all nervous because she doesn’t even have to care anymore.
Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Laura Dern, Wild
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Traci’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
If there’s one thing I know in life, it’s that I will bet all my monies on Patricia Arquette winning this. Unless Meryl pulls a Meryl.
Molly’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
If only for being willing to film herself aging in real-time for 12 years. Don’t get me wrong, she looks amazing, but that would have been a fear of mine at the outset. But Emma Stone was the best part of Birdman.
Winner: Patricia Arquette
T: Wait I’m crying. GOD BLESS YOU PATRICIA ARQUETTE.
M: I was just going to write WHY AM I CRYING. Which is only weird because usually when winners try to get platform-y I feel a little secondhand embarrassment but nope.
T: Is Rita Ora going to sing Defying Gravity after this??
T: Okay who picked the soundtrack to the walk-out music? They just played Endless Love for the special effect categories.
M: I feel like in the special effects or tech-y categories, there’s always one guy in a Scottish scarf or a kilt or something.
M: THIS MUSIC. That was just “The Time Of My Life.”
T: Hear me out: A rom-com featuring Anna Kendrick and Kevin Hart as best friends who everyone thinks will end up together (a la Mindy and BJ). Hart to Hart? No that’s a thing already.
M: I think a height pun. A Little Bit Of Love. Pint Sized Love. Basically anything that means short and then the word love after it. Small Fry, Big Love.
T: Side note: I want all these hanging edison lights for my home.
Best Animated Feature
Big Hero 6
The Boxtrolls
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Song of the Sea
The Tale of Princess Kaguya
Traci’s Pick: How to Train Your Dragon 2
So the Lego Movie really isn’t going to win?
Molly’s Pick: Big Hero 6
Everything’s NOT awesome. Loved the characters in Big Hero 6, though.
Winner: Big Hero 6
M: I went to this with two of my nephews who hated it, on the advice of two of my other nephews who loved it. So they’re all really cute kids and everything, but now I know which ones have good taste in movies.
M: I think NPH just walked in to “Hey There, Georgie Girl.” Did somebody switch out the orchestra’s sheet music? Or is the musical theme “stuff that had really cheap royalties?”
T: Why s Anna Wintour sitting next to Harvey Weinstein? Why is Anna Wintour sitting at the Oscars? The Devil Wears Prada was in ‘06.
T: PRATT. I adore you.
M: HOOKED ON A FEELING? We’re being punked.
T: I think maybe Hooked on a Feeling had to do with Guardians of the Galaxy? IDK get back to me after I see it.
M: I really want to see it but also am afraid I’ll hate it. Or be bored, at least.
T: I… Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong… for IDRIS???
M: What if these are just being planned by someone with a great sense of humor, trying to give us all something silly to pay attention during this 9-hr-long show? Probably not. These are so all over the place that it almost seems like they’re part of the code. Maybe the titles form an acrostic.
T: Someone get Benedict Cumberbatch to solve this immediately. (That was an Imitation Game AND Sherlock ref. You’re welcome).
T: Is it rude to ask if Meryl just got an Oscar for the intro to the In Memoriam tribute?
M: I was watching it wondering if she was emotional or just a really good actress? Such is the difficulty of anything involving Meryl. Like, credit card rep listening to Meryl say that she “mailed it last week” or a dentist hearing that Meryl “flosses every day” would have no way to know if it was the truth.
T: Shout out to all of Meryl’s doctors, business people, and local grocers.
T: When did Batfleck get there???
Does Terrence Howard think this presentation is an audition … wait what happened. did the teleprompter go out? DOES JOHN TRAVOLTA HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS??
M: I’m almost positive that it did so he had to cover by pretending to be overcome with emotion.
T: NPH, I love you but you keep saying “Oyelowo” wrong. Did Brad Pitt teach you nothing?
M: I had to google whether I had been saying it wrong this whole time. I have not. It isn’t even hard to say properly?
T: Oh-YEH-Low-Whoa (i mean not correct phonetic spelling, but whatevs)
M: And I’m very well-versed in that look of panic people get when they have to read off your last name and don’t know how (see: my whole life having 4 consecutive silent letters in my surname), so I tend to cut people a break when they stumble a little. But you’re on TV. Show some respect for TV.
T: omg they just played Dreamgirls for Octavia Spencer’s walk-out… As she talks about Selma
M: I’m at two times crying tonight. Once at Patricia Arquette’s glorious mic-drop speech, and the second during the performance of Glory. Particularly when it was over and Oyelowo was crying.
T: *What Molly said because I am still crying and snotting right now.
M: New life goal: never get my chin cradled at close range by a Scientologist? WAIT what is his necklace.
T: Or just never get close to a Scientologist.
Best Original Song
“Everything Is Awesome” from The Lego Movie; Music and Lyric by Shawn Patterson
“Glory” from Selma; Music and Lyric by John Stephens and Lonnie Lynn
“Grateful” from Beyond the Lights; Music and Lyric by Diane Warren
“I’m Not Gonna Miss You” from Glen Campbell…I’ll Be Me; Music and Lyric by Glen Campbell and Julian Raymond
“Lost Stars” from Begin Again; Music and Lyric by Gregg Alexander and Danielle Brisebois
Traci’s Pick: Glory from Selma
Despite the fact I would really love to see The Lonely Island get an Oscar, I’m totally fine with seeing Common and John Legend up there lookin foine and winning their first Oscars.
Molly’s Pick: Everything Is Awesome from The Lego Movie
I really think Glory is the likely winner, but I want to see Lego win something. IDK what Begin Again is, but Danielle Brisebois is the original Molly from Annie, so that’s fun.
Winner: Glory
M: If Common were a preacher, I’d start going to church. * I don’t know whether to count this as a separate cry or a continuation of my last one.
M: Gaga singing The Sound Of Music… was not expecting it to go down like this.
T: Friendly reminder Gaga went to NYU (the special theatre school) for musical theatre.
M: Aww, I’ve never cared too much about Gaga (except I heard Poker Face today and remember that it was really fun when that album first came out)… but this is just darling. I honestly didn’t expect to like this. But on the east coast it’s also 11:20 so maybe they don’t have to do ALL the songs. Nothing’s that charming.
T: CRY COUNT 3! Although Glory counted as like 20. CRY COUNT 4 OMG OMG OMG OMG JULIE FREAKING ANDREWS. ROYALTY ON STAGE, Y’ALL.
Back to Gaga for a second – I’m SO glad she got to have this moment because people are quick to dismiss her because of her crazy outfits and pop music, but she’s a fantastic, impressive singer, and she got to show that tonight. 143 Gaga.
M: If you took a photo of me right now my eyeballs would have stars or hearts in them. (Plus still some tears.)
T: Everyone was clapping along to that Grand Budapest score in rhythm.
T: Oh my GOD you guys – WILL ARNETT WAS IN THE BATMAN COSTUME DURING THE EVERYTHING IS AWESOME PERFORMANCE
M: NOO REALLY?!?! Because I’m a celebrity creeper: I bet Archie and Abel flipped the heck out about that.
T: Archie and Abel are lit’rally the luckiest kids in the world
Best Original Screenplay
Birdman, Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Foxcatcher, E. Max Frye and Dan Futterman
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness
Nightcrawler, Dan Gilroy
Traci’s Pick: The Grand Budapest Hotel
My record for liking Wes Anderson’s films is not that good, but I will say Grand Budapest was entertaining and I actually paid attention to what was happening. Only he could create this specific world of a European mystery adventure thriller with a backdrop dreams are made of.
Molly’s Pick: Birdman
Birdman, while probably technically very good, just didn’t do it for me. But I’m usually really into Wes Anderson and Grand Budapest wasn’t my fav. And the strength of Boyhood wasn’t really in the script. And I didn’t see the other movies.
Winner: Birdman
Best Adapted Screenplay
American Sniper, Jason Hall
The Imitation Game, Graham Moore
Inherent Vice, Paul Thomas Anderson
The Theory of Everything, Anthony McCarten
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle
Traci’s Pick: The Imitation Game
I have not seen any of these movies. This is total educated guess.
Molly’s Pick: The Theory of Everything, Anthony McCarten
So, I saw three of these, but haven’t read the books/whatever they were adapted from… this was a fantastic screenplay though.
Winner: The Imitation Game
M: That was totally deserved so I’m trying not to be TOO jealous that the writer looks to be possibly younger than we are.
T: CRY COUNT 5. THIS GUY NEEDS TO BE MY BEST FRIEND.
M: He’s such a cutie. At this point the crowd is like Catholic mass-status with all the sitting and standing.
T: So instead of giving Ben Affleck a nomination for directing Argo , he just gets to present the same award to some other white dude?
M: It’s like if I went back to our high school to announce prom queen.
[ Did we even have that?]
T: […Yes?]
Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu, Birdman
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Bennett Miller, Foxcatcher
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Morten Tyldum, The Imitation Game
Traci’s Pick: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Like best picture, it’s really down to Boyhood and Birdman for the big categories, and based on the fact Birdman has all those long uncut scenes, I’m going with Alejandro.
Molly’s Pick: Richard Linklater
Maybe it’s gimicky, but Boyhood was a novel approach that actually worked.
Winner: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
M: I’m actually sort of embarrassed that I wasn’t into Birdman. I do understand why it was good, but, meh.
T: Didn’t see it. Feel like I should.
M: You can watch it on demand now, so that’s something. OH GOD. It’s 11:45. Come on. This is like the west coast’s revenge: for once, the east coast is stuck watching things at inconvenient times.
The west coast’s other revenge is that right now if you go outside on the east coast, there are actual warnings on the news to let you know you might Jack Dawson. (To Jack Dawson = to die by freezing)
T: Still can’t get over Steve Carell being nominated for an Oscar.
Best Actor
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Bradley Cooper, American Sniper
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Traci’s Pick: David Oyelowo, Selma Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
It’s either Eddie or Michael Keaton, but I think Eddie has the slightest of edges because of his role as Stephen Hawking. It’s technically a bit more challenging and dodgier than playing an actor. It’s like Kate Winslet’s Holocaust/Oscars theory, but for disabled people. (was that PC?)
Molly’s Pick: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
The thing that Traci said is right, though. And it wasn’t just how Redmayne captured Hawing’s physical impairments, but the whole — ugh, sorry, “emotional journey” of the character.
Winner: Eddie Redmayne
T: HE IS THE CUTEST.
M: Romcom where Eddie Redmayne and Lupita Nyong’o meet in some sort of a doctoral program and are fierce academic rivals but ultimately find love?
T: The Report Card. No. The Dean’s List. No. Grade A. Ugh I’m bad at this.
M: PINT SIZED LOVE. No we already used that.
Best Actress
Marion Cotillard, Two Days One Night
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Traci’s Pick: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
She needs this. WE need this. THE WORLD NEEDS THIS.
Molly’s Pick: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
This falls under the “probably too sad to watch” category for me.
Winner: Julianne Moore
M: It’s midnight. I have a meeting to run first thing in the morning. NPH, this bit with your predictions is not endearing you to me.
Best Picture
American Sniper
Birdman
Boyhood
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
Selma
The Theory of Everything
Whiplash
Traci’s Pick: Birdman
I keep changing my choice but let’s go with Birdman BUT BOYHOOD SHOULD WIN BECAUSE the story may be simple, but it’s every person’s story, and that’s why it’s impressive. Theoretically, a story about a family over the course of 12 years shouldn’t be this interesting, but with the divorce, marriage, abusive husbands, relationships, puberty, etc. these actors make you actually feel like you’re part of their lives. And an Oscar should be a part of theirs.
Molly’s Pick: Boyhood
This is a year without one clear winner. The movies I actually enjoyed the most were The Imitation Game, The Theory of Everything and Whiplash. But Boyhood did something that sounds so simple that it’s amazing nobody had attempted it before. It sounds like the top two picks are Boyhood and Birdman, and I think a larger proportion of the academy might vote for Boyhood.
Winner: Birdman
Thanks for sticking with us, everyone! We’ll be back tomorrow with our best and worst dressed picks!
Happy Golden Globes day, friends! We look forward to this day every year, for a few reasons. It kicks off the start of awards season, it mixes the Hollywood elite with the charming folks of television, there is drinking involved, and for the past two years, our queens Amy and Tina have been the glorious hosts.
T: I’M ALREADY CRYING AS SOON AS AMY AND TINA APPEAR ON THE RED CARPET.
T: Hi Emily Blunt is gorge but why is JKras avoiding the interview??
T: I am dying over Amal Clooney’s white gloves, y’all. Like when is someone making a Twitter account for this? Also, when Ryan Seacrest asked who her gloves were by she said, “They’re my own.” OF COURSE THEY ARE.
M: YES. You can almost see Amal thinking “this is all very cute, but just so you all know, I have a REAL job.” Except more gracious.
T: She’s so much better than this. The woman wore a Dior Haute Couture gown because, and I quote, “In solidarity with the French people who have gone through a terrible week.” Like, you’re a better person than everyone on this carpet.
M: My over-the-top love for Amal Clooney finally makes me understand how baby boomer women feel about George Clooney.
T: Agreed. And mine is a newer love for her, kinda like the time everyone was freaking out about Kate Middleton and their wedding and I was all WTF she’s just human then I started watching it and next thing you know I’m up at 4am watching it and DVRing every possible special on their matrimony.
M: I tuned in around 7:30 only to be greeted by Emma Stone’s brother(?) wearing a men’s headband (headman-d?) and chewing gum. Queue my memory of our Italian high school Spanish teacher – got that? – telling us that chewing gum makes you look like a horse.
M: Reese Witherspoon is wearing a pretty silver number and walking with real-life Wild. Okay, not sure what her name is. Anyway you know how usually in biopics the actor is a significantly more attractive version of whoever they’re playing? Not here! Wild is really pretty.
M: Please, just one time, can Jennifer Aniston just say screw it and show up with The Rachel?
M: Lupita Nyong’o. Human flower petal. Jeeeez.
T: So clearly, if you watched the E! Red Carpet, Guliana’s love for George Clooney has pushed her to drinking multiple shots of his tequila and now she’s shitfaced. She’s the girl who you can tells is trying super hard to concentrate but is completely gone.
M: Also, Guliana is saying “selfie” like my parents do. Like, you can hear the quotes around it. Like it’s on this week’s vocab quiz.
M: Melissa McCarthy… first of all, beautiful. Second of all, sort of Annie Hall meets caterer or All-County Chorus? Maybe I’ll like it more tomorrow. Hair and face-wise, she’s looking amazing though.
T: Honestly though, as it gets closer to the beginning of the Golden Globes, I feel like a little kid on Christmas Day, but instead of opening presents, we’re opening the pure joy and delight of Tina and Amy.
T: THE QUEENS ARE ALREADY IN THEIR SECOND OUTFITS FOR THE NIGHT! Amy said on the red carpet, “We have about 50 outfit changes and 10 emotional changes”.
T: I don’t think I have seen Wes Anderson before? Maybe? Either way, yeah that’s what he should look like. Even his velour black tie is askew.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is The New Black Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Freak Show Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey Allison Janney, Mom Michelle Monaghan, True Detective
Molly’s Pick: Uzo Aduba
Is it even a question?
Traci’s Pick: Uzo Aduba, Orange Is The New Black
Uzo Aduba all day son. All friggin day.
WINNER: Joanne Froggatt
M: Anna had a hell of a season and all but I never thought Joanne Froggatt would have won.
T: Me either. I lit’rally said out loud: WHAT?!
M: Aw, she seems sweet. So I’m not TOO mad about Crazy Eyes.
M: Yes, Jennifer Lopez. We KNOW. You wear dresses like that.
Best Mini-Series Or TV Movie
Fargo The Missing The Normal Heart True Detective Olive Kitteridge
Molly’s Pick: The Normal Heart
I should probably watch True Detective, right?
Traci’s Pick: True Detective
For the record, I want The Normal Heart to win all the awards.
WINNER: Fargo
M: So, is Twitter alight with ‘Golden Globes’ jokes re: J. Lo’s boobs? Because those suckers are SPHERICAL.
…and I was typing that her co presenter Jeremy Renner just made one.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or TV Movie
Martin Freeman, Fargo Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo Matthew McConaughey, True Detective Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Molly’s Pick: Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
Because I don’t think you should have to listen to a McConaughey acceptance speech unless you’re stoned.
Traci’s Pick: Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Oblig McConissance, Alright x3, Time is a Flat Circle, etc.
WINNER: Billy Bob Thornton
M: This is that time every year or two when we all remember that Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie used to be a thing, and she wore his blood in a vial around her neck. I remember THAT but it’s a crisis every time I have to remember where my phone charger is.
M: If you missed the bit with the “North Korean journalist” and Meryl taking an iPhoto with a magazine so the show could continue… Check tumblr. I’m sure there will be a gif by the time we post this.
M: When they announce Lena Dunham’s nomination, all I can look at is the plate of tiny, beautiful cookies on her table. Oscars are classier but the Globes are definitely the show I’d want to be at.
T: MY EYES WENT TO THE COOKIES TOO.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Lena Dunham, Girls Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin Taylor Schilling, Orange Is The New Black
Molly’s Pick: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
What I really want is an acceptance speech written in the voice of Selina Meyer.
Traci’s Pick: Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Remember when Andy Samberg won last year? And everyone was like WTF (even tho I love him)? I feel like Gina is the wildcard this year to illicit the same reaction.
WINNER: Gina Rodriguez
T: Guys, I’m crying, and I don’t even watch Jane the Virgin.
M: I’m not just tearing up I am straight up CRYING. I mean to watch it, if that counts.
Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Girls Jane the Virgin Orange Is The New Black Silicon Valley Transparent
Molly’s Pick: Orange Is The New Black
How have we never discussed our mutual love of Poussey Washington?
Traci’s Pick: Orange Is The New Black
#PousseyWashingtonFTW
WINNER: Transparent
M: So, Transparent winning might be that extra push I need to finally subscribe to Amazon Prime.
T: LAWD THE TEARS AREN’T STOPPING. I didn’t realize this year’s Golden Globes was an episode of Parenthood.
M: YOU AREN’T KIDDING. Again, don’t even watch Transparent. This year’s Golden Globes scores a five on a scale from one to five Crying Dawsons.
M: I even saw St. Vincent, yet every time they mention it I expect to see the musician by the same name.
T: Melissa McCarthy used her fashion skills to take the skirt from an old gown and mix it with that collared white top to make her dress tonight. I can barely sew up a hole in my leggings.
M: I have a shirt where the seams are ripping and I’m like “alright, we’ve had a good run, enjoy your new home at the Goodwill drop off shed.”
T: Johann Johannson (best name of the night, tbh) is from Iceland and for some reason I expected him to come out speaking like the Swedish chef. #typicalamerican
M: Yeah, and I also expect that everything he says will be all quirky and Bjorky. False advertising, Iceland Travel Bureau.
T: WTF Prince? Even Allison Janney was like fangirling and completely confused as to why he’s there.
M: The nominees in the original song category, though! Patti Smith?! Between that and Prince I’m caring way more about this category than I expected to.
Is Common the first person to thank God yet? That’s my favorite awards show trope. But his speech is great! Also, I was listening to the speech but hadn’t looked up at the screen yet, and I thought John Legend was speaking, and let me tell you, seeing Common when you’re expecting to see John Legend is a weird sort of jolt.
M: Joey Potter bought a LOT of hair to wear tonight. Also, I cannot see her without remembering Tina Fey’s story about how she said she was a good tap dancer, and was not. Hope they had a dance off backstage!
T: Reminder that BOTH Joey and Pacey are at the Golden Globes right now.
M: I’m going to need a picture. #OTP
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie
Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart Alan Cumming, The Good Wife Colin Hanks, Fargo Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Molly’s Pick: Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing.
Traci’s Pick: Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge
Again, The Normal Heart, all day every day, but Bill Murray is one of those people like Ellen Burstyn that is iconic enough that people will vote for him.
WINNER: Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart
M: YAY! Well, there go the waterworks.
T: Matt Bomer and The Normal Heart haven’t won enough awards, IMO.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Amy Adams, Big Eyes Emily Blunt, Into the Woods Helen Mirren, The Hundred-Foot Journey Julianne Moore, Map to the Stars Quvenzhane Wallis – Annie
Molly’s Pick: Emily Blunt, Into The Woods
Amy Adams was great in Big Eyes, but I’ve never seen the Baker’s Wife be so lovable and funny and just fantastic.
Traci’s Pick: Emily Blunt, Into the Woods
I was just so enchanted with Emily Blunt in Into the Woods. I mean I’m always enchanted by her (and J Kras as a couple), but even more so in this film. Like everyone else, I didn’t know she could sing, and mix that with her excellent acting skills, she’s a standout in the movie.
WINNER: Amy Adams
M: Dude, “Quevenjohnny?” NOPE.
T: Yeah, still saying it wrong, man.
M: Yay! While I would have loved to see Emily Blunt win, Amy Adams was incredible in Big Eyes. My only qualm is that it didn’t read as a “comedy,” really. If we want to talk about comedic roles this year, I think the best might have been Jenny Slate in Obvious Child. Just understated and lovely.
M: We’re now at the Little Miss Nepotism portion of the evening (Miss Golden Globe, the child of a famous person, who does nothing).
Best Animated Feature Film
Big Hero 6
The Book Of Life
The Boxtrolls
How To Train Your Dragon 2
The LEGO Movie
Molly’s Pick: The LEGO Movie
I liked Big Hero 6 a lot, but the two nephews I went with (ages 5 and 3) hated it. Like, they were traumatized not by the movie but by the depth of their own hatred for it.
Traci’s Pick: The LEGO Movie
EVERYTHING IS AWESOMEEE
WINNER: How To Train Your Dragon 2
M: I’m of the mind that nothing with “2” at the end of the title should ever receive an award.
T: Ahem *Sister Act 2*
M: Point taken. His eye really WAS on that sparrow. All the awards.
M: I have so much trouble remembering which one is Kate Hudson and which is Katherine Heigl.
M: Jared Leto’s hairline and eyes are so perfect and even that he looks like a limited-edition doll from the Ashton Drake galleries.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game Emma Stone, Birdman Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Molly’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Admittedly I haven’t seen A Most Violent Year, so Jessica Chastain could be a dark horse here.
Traci’s Pick: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
This gal has been racking up awards this season, so unless Meryl pulls a Meryl, Patricia’s got this in the bag.
WINNER: Patricia Arquette
M: Whenever a celebrity thanks their kids, their names just sound like random sounds.
T: Patricia Arquette also has odd yet not Banjo odd kid names. Ugh, celebrities.
M: Yeah, not like fruit name-odd. Hey, everyone. As in all things, when naming a human being, be more like Meryl, Tina and Amy.
T: I just watched The Skeleton Twins the other day, and if you haven’t seen it yet, I suggest you put it on your Netflix queue. Bill and Kristen are delightful and will make you laugh and cry. Who doesn’t want that in their life?
M: Seconded. It’s the perfect mix of laughing and crying. Joke with a tiny target audience: ” Kristen Wiig graduated from Brighton but she’s looking more Aquinas tonight… RIGHT?” (See, Kristen Wiig is from our hometown, and everyone at our high school was really tan all the time, whereas her school… Whatever. She’s TAN. OKAY?)
T: CLASSIC AQ V. BRIGHTON JOKE.
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Birdman Boyhood Gone Girl The Grand Budapest Hotel The Imitation Game
Molly’s Pick: The Imitation Game
Traci’s Pick: Birdman
I haven’t seen Birdman, but sure, they’ve been winning a lot, so add this one to the trophy case too.
WINNER: Birdman
T: Oh my, Alejandro Inarritu’s accent is fantastic. He did the thing where people add an ‘s’ to the end of words, like “Thank you to Amy Ryans”. So glad he’s a frontrunner so we can experience more of his speeches in the next few months.
M: My favorite use of the superfluous S is in the movie Selena, because screw it, let’s just keep dating ourselves here. Selenasssss.
M: I was going to write something about Lily Tomlin but I put my cursor down and the only words I could form were LILY TOMLIN. Lily Tomlin. I feel about my childhood comedy heroes the way other people feel about Mr. Rogers or their first really great teacher.
T: Jane Fonda – proving her workout videos actually work since 1982.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Louis C.K., Louie Don Cheadle, House of Lies Ricky Gervais, Derek William H. Macy, Shameless Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Molly’s Pick: Louis C.K., Louie
Wishful predicting: I expect to be bored for about half of this show and think a speech from Louis would really liven things up.
Traci’s Pick: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
On my list of ‘shows I should probably watch during the summer hiatus’
WINNER: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
T: HERE COME THE WATERWORKS AGAIN.
M: Ha. I was just going to ask how you were holding up. Me too.
T: So the announcer took a struggle bus to say those guys’ names who won the Best Foreign Film award.
M: it’s like when a kid from the slow reading group would get called on to read aloud in elementary school. Cringe city.
T: You know that feeling when someone goes up to a microphone and they start talking and you get a feeling that they’re about to say something cringe-worthy and you just grip your seat hoping it doesn’t become embarrassing? Yeah, that was me with Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Best Television Series – Drama
The Affair Downton Abbey Game of Thrones The Good Wife House of Cards
Molly’s Pick: House Of Cards
I love Downton but Traci’s right.
Traci’s Pick: House of Cards
I like Downton and all, but why are we still nominating them for things, folks?
WINNER: The Affair
T: Diane Kruger is exceptionally excited for Joshua Jackson’s win, so much so that I’m beginning to think he’s not actually still with Joey Potter…
M: Nah, Pacey & Joey forever. All my notebooks from 1998 can’t be wrong. It looked like some sort of funhouse with everyone filing in through a mirrored hallway.
Best Performance by an Actor in a TV Series – Drama
Clive Owen, The Knick Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan Kevin Spacey, House of Cards James Spader, The Blacklist Dominic West, The Affair
Molly’s Pick: James Spader, The Blacklist
How have I seen NONE of these?
Traci’s Pick: Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
I feel like this is a weird category, maybe it’s because none of these are traditional network shows, but hey, that’s where TV is going these days. Anyways, Kevin Spacey is a scary breaking the fourth wall motherf’er.
WINNER: Kevin Spacey, House Of Cards
M: I’ll take your word for it, HFPA.
T: Too QT that Kevin and Kata Mara came together. #NoSpoilers
M: I can’t even figure out what could have gotten bleeped in that speech.
T: “It’s about fucking time?” Purely a guesstimate/wish of him saying that
M: I’d like that.
T: OMG I JUST REALIZED NURSE HATHAWAY IS PRESENTING THIS LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD TO GEORGE CLOONEY. ONE OF THE OG OTPS.
“We all want to be a ‘F.O.G.’ (Friend of George) is that a thing that people say?? Also I feel like George is too “young” to be receiving this award? He’s like 50 something. People that get this award are like the old guy from The Holiday (RIP).
M: yeah, me too! You have to be collecting social security at least, but ideally be likely to die of natural causes inside of a decade.
Wait. The old guy from The Holiday died????
T: IRL, yeah. Last year. Eli Wallach 😦
M: Man. I usually don’t start my Sunday Night Cry til 11 or so.
T: I INTERRUPT GEORGE’S SPEECH TO ANNOUNCE THAT JARED LETO IS SPORTING A BRAID TONIGHT.
M: And he clearly did some kind of texturizing spray or backcombing.
T: WAIT I’M CRYING AGAIN BC GEORGE WAS JUST SINCERE WITH THAT SPEECH TO AMAL. I’M DYING.
M: George seems awesome, but I just wanna hang out with Amal and talk about when the US will ratify the Convention On Rights Of the Child, and nuclear nonproliferation, and what Oscar de la Renta was like. God I love Cool Lawyers.
Best Director – Motion Picture
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel Ava Duvernay, Selma David Fincher, Gone Girl Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Molly’s Pick: Richard Linklater, Boyhood
He may not be a likely winner but I’d like to see innovation awarded; just thinking of the directorial process when you’re working on the same story for a decade makes my head spin.
Traci’s Pick: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Birdman
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association always has a tendency to like foreign people, so give it to this Mexican director, por favor.
WINNER: Richard Linklater, Boyhood
M: Dream couple here. Let’s skip the award and talk to the Pratt-Faris family.
Best Performance by an Actress In A TV Series – Drama
Claire Danes, Homeland Viola Davis, How To Get Away With Murder Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife Ruth Wilson, The Affair Robin Wright, House of Cards
Molly’s Pick: Claire Danes, Homeland
I hope that Viola Davis wins because I love her… But I’m also a proud member of the National Association Of Law School Graduates Who Couldn’t Get Through One Episode Of HTGAWM
Traci’s Pick: Viola Davis, How To Get Away With Murder
HOOWWWW TO GET AWAYYYY WITH WINNING EVERY AWARD AS A HBIC.
WINNER: Ruth Wilson, The Affair
T: IDK if it’s because I don’t really like her character on The Affair, but I’m annoyed.
M: if you don’t get Showtime, is The Affair worth finding an, um, alternate way of watching it?
T: I exclusively find alternate ways of watching premium cable shows.
M: Yes, I’m a subscriber to “my parents don’t even know their HBO subscription comes with HBO GO” myself.
T: Also, this is how Viola Davis handled her night (as did Diane Kruger, which explains a lot). Oh hey Octavia Spencer. Love that they’re still friends.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel Michael Keaton, Birdman Bill Murray, St. Vincent Joaquin Phoenix, Inherent Vice Christoph Waltz, Big Eyes
Molly’s Pick: Michael Keaton, Birdman
Everyone I know who saw it is either super into Birdman or super NOT into it, but I’ve heard overall positive reviews of Keaton.
Traci’s Pick: Michael Keaton, Birdman
A guy who played Batman IRL playing a fake actor who was famous for playing a super hero? Yeah, it’s about time he win a Golden Globe.
WINNER: Michael Keaton, Birdman
M: Is E Michael Keaton’s SL? Everyone’s eyes are saying “I have no clue what is happening.”
Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Birdman The Grand Budapest Hotel Into the Woods Pride St. Vincent
Molly’s Pick: St. Vincent
Taking the middle approach between Birdman (likely winner) and Into The Woods (crowd pleaser). Besides, I really enjoyed this one.
Traci’s Pick: Birdman
Again, haven’t seen this, but I’m assuming the HFPA loves it.
WINNER: The Grand Budapest Hotel
T: Whoa. Grand Budapest Hotel coming in from behind! (That’s what she said) AND homeboy has a speech prepared. Also that movie’s cast is apparently a total sausage fest.
M: I liked Grand Budapest, I mean it was fine, but I think I like when Wes Anderson works in a smaller scope (see, eg, Moonrise Kingdom).
M: Does Matthew McConaughey always speak like a VoiceOver of Civil War soldier reading an old letter in a Ken Burns documentary?
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Jennifer Aniston, Cake Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything Julianne Moore, Still Alice Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Molly’s Pick: Jennifer Aniston, Cake.
I can’t decide whether to pick who SHOULD win, who WILL win, or whose win would really make me happy based on what I’m Netflix binging. So, Jennifer Aniston.
Traci’s Pick: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
I’m afraid to watch Julianne Moore play a woman with alzheimer’s because it’s probably going to make me super sad, but I love her and she deserves this.
WINNER: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler David Oyelowo, Selma Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Molly’s Pick: Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Holy NOT Michael Scott. But hey, maybe David Oyelowo?
Traci’s Pick: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
TBH, my choice is Steve Carell in Foxcatcher, because he was creepy as hellll and the polar opposite of everything you’ve seen him in. But Eddie Redmayne did the same thing, so he should win too.
WINNER: Eddie Redmayne
T: ‘Wow, what a category’ – Gwyneth Paltrow. Just gonna leave that there.
T: “How much are we gonna miss Amy and Tina” – Queen Meryl about Queens Tina and Amy’s last time hosting the Golden Globes. They still didn’t get enough air time, TBH.
M: I don’t know if I’m just greedy or what, but it seemed like even less this year.
T: Tina and Amy have been drinking since 10am this morning, let’s be real. Also if we’re being real, that Cho North Korea gag went on for too long. It also provided for less Tina/Amy time.
M: yes! I love her, but at an awards show I want quips, not gags.
Best Motion Picture – Drama
Boyhood Foxcatcher The Imitation Game Selma The Theory of Everything
Molly’s Pick: Boyhood
Well, it’s what I want to win, anyway.
Traci’s Pick: Boyhood
If you haven’t seen Boyhood, go right now or get it on DVD or whatever, because it is fantastic and nothing like I’ve ever seen before.
WINNER: Boyhood
T: Anyways, I’m really glad Boyhood won, because it’s one of my favorite movies of the year.
M: Agreed! Also, I’m now realizing that all of the movies and tv I watched this year were pretty lowbrow. Thanks, Hollywood Foreign Press Association!
Thanks for reading & watching with us! Until next time!
It’s hard to believe that it’s been a whole year since I was made, let’s be honest, entirely perplexed and 100% jealous by the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. But here we are again, with another night of impossibly attractive people, whimsical angel wings, bizarre segment concepts, and Taylor Swift. If the VS folks just aired the same show every year, how long do you think it would even take us to notice? Still, I managed to find a whole new set of things to make me say WTF this year.
Segment 1 : Screensavers
I don’t know, I think the theme is fancy screensavers. Or seizures. They’re just projecting flashy patterns on an LCD scrim.
As of three minutes in, I can’t be sure how many ladies have walked because they all look identical. Is this some sort of VS Fashion Show/ Orphan Black crossover? Because that, I would watch.
There’s one with brown hair, and they make her wear wings that are actually enormous puffed sleeves, like she’s the Anne Shirley of this joint.
All of these ladies have serious Leonardo DiCaprio’s Girlfriend hair.
Behind The Scenes #1
Models look pretty on airplanes. That’s the Truth I Didn’t Want To Face of the day.
Models on a plane.
Me on a plane.
Segment 2: Dreamgirls with Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift is performing in a nightgown from an Anne Rice story. It’s Blank Space, that song about lonely Starbucks lovers.
A model walks down the runway wearing wings made of trees from the Lorax. Or models of amoebas.
T.Swizzle serenades each one of the Walking Girls, like the emcee of this children’s beauty pageant in a documentary I once saw. And like the pageant children, the walking girls pretend to like it.
Karlie gets what appears to be rattan fly wings instead of angel wings. They make the girls who don’t get wings wear filmy capes. Do NOT piss off the guy who hands out the wings.
Behind the Scenes #2
I missed a minute and came in for a lady (some sort of layman?) calling the models “curvy and voluptuous”. Those words are as cringe-y as “moist” and “nosh.”
We learn about the “fantasy bra,” which is basically like if Rose Dewitt Bukater had a bra.
Segment 3: Exotic Traveler featuring Ed Sheeran
Sheeran isn’t singing that one song about the cold prostitute. But he is dressed like Ron Weasley at a Christmas Ball.
“Exotic traveler” means they’re dressed like porny Madame Alexander dolls. We have a gal in a Native American headdress, a chilly bullfighter, then a lot of neon shit that’s supposed to be … Brazil maybe?
One broad (Kelly Gale?) has a plastic printed skirt that looks like she’s representing whatever part of the world Delia*s (RIP) is from.
Does Ed Sheeran have a tattoo of sunglasses on his forearm?
I think one model (Daniela Braga) is representing Fraggle Rock.
Behind the Scenes #3
A model (Candice? Behati?) compares reaching the end of the runway to scoring a touchdown. Fitting, because I compare watching the VS Fashion Show to the Superbowl. You’re watching genetically gifted people do what they’re made for, but you still sit back and armchair quarterback it anyway.
Ariana Grande wants to “spank a booty;” I continue to not get it about booties.
I missed about a minute of commercial time when I could have been brushing my teeth and letting my dog out, because I didn’t realize that this hour-long commercial had gone to commercial.
Segment 4: University Of Pink featuring Ariana Grande
“Bigger fan to de-arm this… and if your rhythm is needy ga ha harm me holla holla holla baby”: What I hear in Ariana Grande’s lyrics. Girl, ENUNCIATE.
Putting her next to 6-foot models really highlights that Ariana Grande is awfully Ariana Pequeña.
Ariana Grande is wearing a Lisa Frank skirt.
My B.A. isn’t from the University of Pink, but at my college there were a lot more hoodies and uggs.
Oh. There are backup dancers dressed like an early 2000s Missy Elliot. Which works, because everything Grande sings sounds like the lyrics that came after “put that thing down, flip it and reverse it.”
Behind The Scenes #4
Doutzen tells us that it takes a year to make the wings. Damn. Monica Something, the layman who was talking before, talks up the wings as well.
Segment 5: Fairy Tale featuring Hozier
I love Hozier but this is a weird combo, right? The setup is very Hansel and Gretel, Black Forest-y. Hozier is just kind of there, singing soulfully, and the models walk past him without making eye contact like he’s a busker and their train is coming.
Monica Whatever was right, though. These wings are gorgeous.
Behind The Scenes # 5
Russell James is an Australian photographer who is “like a monkey on the set” and “likes to push us a little bit,” but in a pranky George Clooney way, not in a skummy Terry Richardson way.
He has photographed an entire book of the angels – titled Angels – which would make the perfect Christmas gift for the lady in your life who really needs her self-esteem knocked down a peg or two.
Behind The Scenes #6
Karlie Kloss discusses her love of ballet, because in case you forgot, she’s lovelier than you. She dances (beautifully, of course) with a guy in a Puffy Shirt.
Segment 6: Taylor Swift, Redux
Swiftie is sort of like the Mama (Chicago) or Mama Rose (Gypsy) of this segment.
There are like 10 times more models than I saw during the entire show so far.
Too many models. I’m gonna go do squats and crunches for the next forever, bye.
Doutzen Kroes looks like Denise Richards, if Denise Richards were about to cry.
Do the do full face transplants if you aren’t’ technically disfigured? Asking for a friend.
Finale
It honestly looks like this is the most fun these models have all year, since this sort of goofiness isn’t allowed on any other runway, ever.
There are so many balloons, it’s like the telethon episode of Full House.
Well folks, it happened. Months of waiting and anticipating and dreading NBC’s live version of Peter Pan culminated in a two hour show last night, and boy did we have a lot of thoughts on it. Like last year’s Sound of Music Live! special, Peter Pan dominated social media last night and we’re still talking about it today. But if you didn’t get a chance to watch with the other millions of folks who tuned in, here’s your opportunity to join in on the conversation with our own recap/liveblog/laterblog of the show (queue up your DVRs or streaming devices or watch on NBC.com if you want to follow along). And if you did watch it, let us know what you thought of a flying Allison Williams and dancing Walken!
Traci: I would like to say that I’ve never actually seen this version of Peter Pan, so I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen. I mean I know what’s going to happen, but I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Molly: Allison Williams requested that our inner children watch and live tweet this program. I am watching with my 7 and 5 year old nephews and they are already rooting for disaster. You tried, Marnie.
M: Either the audio and video tracks aren’t synchronized or all of this dialogue is lip synced to Ashlee Simpson-level cruddiness.
M: The harmonies on Tender Shepherd are pretty good! The kids are so cute, but the little one seriously looks like Timmy from Passions (who was adorable, so no shade).
T: Allison Williams was on Seth Meyers promoting PP recently, talking about the kid who plays Michael and how he asked her to stop saying the F-word so much. He also told her to eat wheat bread to be healthier. That is what I am thinking about while watching this kid.
T: Kelli O’Hara ::emoji with heart eyes:: (she is Broadway royalty, get to know her)
THAT’S A REAL ACTOR DOG, Y’ALL
I will say that the production value and camera work is great so far, much better than Sound of Music last year.
“I am the master of this house!” – Mr. Darling/ Monsieur Thénardier
T: THAT’S NOT A REAL TINKERBELL, Y’ALL
Say what you will about casting, but Allison Williams is just too delightful and I don’t have it in me to say anything bad about her.
M: AW is the identical hair twin of Androgynous Gym Girl, my college gym’s resident elliptical hog. A.G.G. had that haircut because it was the most workout-efficient, we theorized. And she only ate foods in bar or shake form because they metabolized better. Again, all conjecture. She just really loved that elliptical. Bitch.
T: Yo, Tink is a little bitch, doe.
M: Okay, Gotta Crow was sort of charming. I probably would have had a weird crush on this Peter Pan when I was 10. Crushed on a LOT of gay musical theater boys, y’all.
T: How do babies just “fall out” of their carriages??? #LostBoysMoreLikeDumbBoys
“Girls are much too clever to fall out of their carriage” BUT WAIT THIS IS SO TRUE
M: My 7-year-old nephew just says that Peter “has more magic than my Elf on the Shelf, even.” Okay, Allison Williams. You win this round.
T: Whoa, I had like a nervous moment for AW when she went up in the flying rig for the first time. This is live television anything could go wrong. You’ve seen that YouTube fail from the high school production of this show, right?!? That’s what I’m picturing. This is obviously very different.
M: Screw it. I’m Flying is charming as hell.
T: Guys, AW is great. Whatever. I HAVE A LOT OF FEELS ABOUT THAT I’M FLYING SONG GOING INTO NEVERLAND THIS IS AMAZING. But also, stop integrating Shazam into my programs.
M: The 4-year-old just asked why they are flying over one of those Christmas villages. Shut it down, we have a baby live blogger on our hands.
T: How do I get this miniature London cityscape outside my french windows?
T: Melissa Joan Hart has scored a series of commercials during Peter Pan Live promoting WalMart with her real family. Yes, her real family, and the internet went crazy for her attractive husband. My friend Scott had a perfect explanation for this:
T: That is actually Christopher Walken on an NBC live musical special on TV.
T: Christian Borle (Smee/Mr. Darling) look like he could be in Rock of Ages
M: Well, the children aren’t scared of Captain Hook, but I am. Christopher Walken on a boat? Am I the only one still sketched out about the whole Natalie Wood thing?
T: What I love about Walken is that whoever he plays, he plays it brilliantly but still very Walken-y. Amazing. Also, he’s not even singing HAHAHA I LOVE IT.
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD TAP DANCING THERE IS TAP DANCING I’M CRYING
M: This soundstage is so amazing that I want to hide out and sleep in it, Basil E. Frankweiler-style.
M: The 7-yr-old nephew would like to know how the Lost Boys got dance lessons if they don’t have parents. Fair point.
T: So many Newsies! Like actual Newsies. Like the Newsies who were on Broadway.
M: I love the cheesy island scenery. I mean that non-ironically. It reminds me of 1960s fantasy kitsch, like It’s A Small World.
M: So do they have to return the crocodile to Rainforest Cafe after, or.. ?
T: THAT’S NOT A REAL CROCODILE Y’ALL.
M: Something feels so wrong about a group of Lost Boys that look, you know, probably sexually active. And the Lost Boys are already forcing the virgin/whore/mother dynamic on Wendy. Congrats, kids. You’ve had a girl for all of 5 minutes and it’s already a patriarchal society.
Again, the LBs are all very good, but this works better when they cast Lost Boys who don’t have 401(K)s already.
T: Random aside: Bri Willy took the night of from the NBC Nightly News to watch AW in her big show. He said, “We will be watching the broadcast – immediate family only – sequestered in an undisclosed location – close enough to the production as to burst through the stage door the moment the credits roll.” CAN U NOT. I STILL CAN’T GET OVER HIM ANNOUNCING SHE WAS GOING TO BE PETER PAN ON TV.
M: EW. Wait a few minutes; when the grown-ass pirates start yo-hoing about stealing Wendy for their mother the Lost Boys don’t look so bad.
M: The Lost Boys are so old that their ratty Neverland clothes are looking like hipstery club clothes. Like a troupe of Lost Bois.
T: Anything that Walken does with his one hook is hilarious to me, apparently. Like this hitting the tambourine mess, I can’t.
… He’s not holding that major note right?? He is. He’s definitely doing that. Fun fact: they do something similar to this in Peter and the Starcatcher, which is a play about making the play of Peter Pan. Christian Borle won a Tony for playing Black Stache in it.
LOLZ TO THEM CUTTING BACK TO WALKEN HOLDING THE NOTE IN THE MIDDLE OF COMMERCIALS
M: On a scale from one to America, how racist is the Native American stuff going to be?
T: Because of social media, we are treated with gems from celebrities such as Anna Kendrick, who just gets it.
Watching a grown woman play an adolescent boy is perhaps the most sexually confusing moment of my life. #PeterPanLive
T: Is this where that Ugg a Wugg song is supposed to be? I appreciate that the producers hired a Native American consultant for this to rework the lyrics. Respect for not being racist.
M: The Native American stuff was, like, Pocahontas- level racist? The Disney movie not the historical figure.
T: For someone who doesn’t like to be touched, Peter does a lot of partner dancing.
oh hey alex wong from SYTYCD!
T: I love that the mic picked up everyone’s heavy breathing after that big dance number. Theatre kids – they’re real people too.
M: During the commercial I made my Lost boys some hot cocoa, and I missed a little but came back for the best musical theater lesbian duet since Take Me Or Leave Me.
M: My sister-in-law came in and asked if they’ve been speaking in English accents the whole time and scout’s honor, I could not answer. Not sure if that says more about me or the production – and for the record, I find the production magical as heck.
M: I aimed for Wendy’s bangs in 1997, so I kind of know what I’m talking about, and those puppies require some serious round brush action.
M: Marnie has some nice vibrato! If only Wendy’s cleavage weren’t looming over her. Dawson casting at its finest.
T: Yeah wait, what’s the timeline for this? How long have they been gone? Why isn’t there a search party out for the Darling kids? Mrs. Darling is gonna be all, “I saw a suspicious man about the size of my fist a couple days ago…”
M: The song they sing about Hook is totally the same as the Gaston song from Beauty And The Beast.
T: “Who’s the creepiest creep in the world?” honestly never knew how amazing some of these lines were.
M: I don’t know how these child actors can memorize lines, nail blocking, learn choreography and execute stunts, and the kids I’m watching this with can’t even SIT STILL and PAY ATTENTION for one measly three-hour musical event.
M: My favorite weird Peter Pan is still the Baby Sitters Club Super Special where they performed it at SMS, but you know what? This comes close.
M: This battle sequence has been going on a while but the Lost boys have been able to prep for it ever since John’s scar started tingling. Total Sorcerer’s Stone vibes.
T: It makes sense that the part that makes me tear up is when Hook throws Michael’s teddy bear into the ocean.
T: UPDATE ON THE CROC FROM THE QUEEN THAT IS LAURA BENANTI:
M: The kids’ mom is singing, and I’m almost expecting Sister Suffragette thanks to her costume. The kids come back, which is more than these garbage parents with the dog babysitter deserve. Just as garbage as the McCallisters, if you ask me.
T: On the real tho, if 12 rando boys came into your house and presented you with a single sock and then started singing and dancing would you actually take them in as your own? Mr. Darling’s answer to that is yes.
M: No wonder she raised Wendy to be such a pushover. Also the lost boys are all like 24 years old. So way to go, Mrs. Darling, you now live in an Edwardian frat house.
M: I didn’t know Minnie Driver would be in this! It makes me hate, a little less, the part where Wendy grows up.
T: Is this the story of how it’s possible to grow up to be Minnie Driver?
You’re all grown up!
Yes, it does keep a person rather earthbound.
M: Okay, overall I have to admit it. I think Allison Williams was right. I joked about the production – gently, and because that’s how I interact with the world or whatever. But I couldn’t tear it apart and honestly, I didn’t want to. Several years ago, a friend and I both discovered that we loved live action productions of Peter Pan. We’re probably not the only ones. I love magic. Whatever. No shame.
T: So in full disclosure, I know a couple people involved with this production, including one of the Lost Boys (Tootles/guy with the top hat) and it is SO WEIRD for me to see him on TV. He has been in a few Broadway shows over the past few years, and it’s amazing to see this kid I used to work with share the stage with Christopher Walken. Because of my personal connection to the production, I had an obvious bias prior to this.
Before the show tonight, he wrote a post on Facebook acknowledging that people (read: staunch Broadway nerds) will probably criticize the show’s every move more so than a regular viewer, but to keep in mind to respect the work that this cast and crew has put in over the past two months. And I took that to heart. Thinking about when I was part of a production like this (not to this scale, obvi), you put so much time and effort into it, and then for a weekend or two, you get to show the world what you’ve been working on. It must suck to have critics hate on you IMMEDIATELY thanks to social media, so in light of my retrospection and respect for my friend, I tried to refrain from saying anything bad about this show.
Good thing is – I don’t have anything bad to say at all. The production value was outstanding, which can be difficult considering live theater isn’t meant to be tape and aired on TV in the first place. I thought Allison Williams was great – I was in the camp of pro-AW upon announcement of her casting, partly because I knew she could sing and partly because I didn’t know the show well enough to judge her. The fact that 90% of the cast had been on Broadway certainly helped bring the show to life, and all in all, it was a heartwarming three-hour show that families can sit and watch together for years to come. I believe.
M: I went to this with two of my nephews who hated it, on the advice of two of my other nephews who loved it. So they’re all really cute kids and everything, but now I know which ones have good taste in movies.
Cookies + Sangria 
