Monthly Archives: January 2016

Things I’m Willing To Believe About Lin-Manuel Miranda

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On January 11th, one of America’s founding fathers, Alexander Hamilton, celebrated what would’ve been his 259th or 261st birthday – no one actually knows the exact year of his birth. On January 16th, Lin-Manuel Miranda, the Puerto Rican-American writer/composer/lyricist/actor/rapper/gaming enthusiast/dad/husband all-around “genius” will be celebrating his 36th birthday – we’re relying on Wikipedia for this fact. And today, we celebrate Lin’s life a day early, honoring a man who is leading his own revolution in New York as the creator and star of Hamilton.

Since Hamilton debuted at The Public Theater in New York last February, the show has earned rave review after rave review, and garnered a huge fanbase that includes theatre nerds to hip-hop stars to the young and the old to the AOL users to the #HamiltonTrash on Tumblr. The show that started in Lin’s brain has affected not only the entire nation, but the world as a whole, with people from every corner of the globe sharing a mutual love for AL-EX-AN-D-ER (we are, meant to be), a founding father that most of us know only from the $10 bill and how he got shot by that dude that one time. Lin has made an American icon into a current American pop star of sorts, and it’s thanks to his brilliant music, lyrics, and overall vision for the show.

Lin has described Hamilton in many interviews as a “story about America then, told by America now,” and this alone cements him not only in theatre history, but history as a whole. His passion to tell a centuries-old story for contemporary audiences is a daring Hamilton-esque feat in itself, but through his talent, he’s managed to do it and managed to do it with great success. Lin is the ultimate multi-hyphenate that has changed many lives through his work, but there’s more to him than just ‘The guy from Hamilton’. And just as Lin had to dig deep into the Hamilton archives to create a historical musical about a real-life man, new Lin fans eager to learn about his background and persona will have to do their fair share of research to become a certified #HamiltonTrash member. Do some research and read his Wikipedia page – because the following fictional facts we’re willing to believe about Lin-Manuel Miranda couldn’t be more made up.

  • The first album he bought with his own money was Tupac’s 2Pacalypse Now in 1991.
  • Attempted to recreate Busta Rhymes’ Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See music video with neon paint and leopard print sheets hanging from the hallway walls.
  • Dressed up as one of the Punk Frogs from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for Halloween one year

  • At least once every couple weeks he wakes up with a start in the middle of the night. By now, his wife just mutters “yes, you remembered to say goodnight to Twitter” and tells him to go back to sleep.

  • Very aware Jonathan Groff would be his type if he were gay

To be fair: He’s pretty much EVERYONE’S type if they are ANYTHING.

  • His teachers would always scold him for having his headphones on and listening to his cassette tapes/CDs before class started
  • You may know about Hamilton’s bowling team, HamilPins. But did you know that Lin-Manuel Miranda founded In The Heights’ intramural bowling league (No Me Liga) AND speed-dating night (Alza La Soltera)?
  • Was the runner-up for Most Likely To Succeed, and the winner of Most Earnest, in his senior yearbook.
  • Will be the Dad who knows about the trendy new social media before his kids, and will embarrass them because he’s better at it than they are.
  • Early uncredited gig: writing a “punched-up” version of the ZOOM theme song for PBS. Yeah. Bet you all still remember that ZIP code, too.
  • Lets his wife always figure out the tip at restaurants because she’s the mathematician of the family.
  • His friends no longer let him be the driver during road trips because even though he picks the best music, he also makes them pull over at every one of those historical marker signs.
  • Has a note in his phone of drafts of tweets he’s thought about posting, but ultimately decided against it.
  • His wife had to request that he stop writing raps to “help” her study for the bar exam (States unchecked can get a little messy/ All rise, Marshall court in Hunter’s Lessee/ State powers subject to diminution/ Cohens. Virginia. You ratified the constitution. / Put the steamboat on the river – okay, New York, it’s Interstate. Gibbons. Ogden. Congress gonna regulate. /And legislate -plus stipulate/ that no militia’s solely state/ When sought, they fought. Martin. Mott.  ) (…may or may not be an excerpt from my Marshall Court review rap for Con Law, c. 2009.)
  • Used a recording of himself saying “pew! pew! pew!” as the gunshots during Hamilton’s workshops for longer than was strictly necessary.
  • Also uses those”pew! pew! pew!” soundswhen he shoots a gun at paintball or lazer tag
  • Had the choice of being in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff when he was sorted, proudly sports a yellow and black scarf on the regs.
  • Owns a “But first, café” sign
  • Yeah, Lin can do really crazy-good crown braids now that his hair is long, but he’s waiting for the Hamilton cast recording to go platinum before he releases a tutorial.

    NBD but he doesn’t even need keratin treatments.

  • Secretly named his son after Lil’ Sebastian
  • Has more novelty/pop culture-themed t-shirts than dress shirts
  • Wrote at least 2 songs for each of his ex-girlfriends, has an entire two-volume album dedicated to his wife Vanessa in his head
  • He’s also composed a verse or two for his favorite delivery guy and bodega lady. Not to get free stuff out of it. Just because he cares.
  • Those ex-girlfriends can testify that he’s had that comma game in his arsenal since long before playing our dearest, Hamilton.
  • Scribbled Wrote ‘Wait for It’ on a fan’s forearm at the stage door so they could get a tattoo of it later.
  • Really (secretly) prolific on tumblr. Runs your favorite blog.
  • Wrote a passionate What You Own-esque duet for him and Steven Pasquale on the medical drama Do No Harm in the event there would be a musical episode in the future. The show was cancelled after 2 episodes (that last part is true).

    how was this show cancelled

  • During his first grade Christmas pageant, left Mary and Joseph waiting at stage right for a full 5 minutes as he performed his (unsanctioned) solo as Shepherd #3. Upon leaving, audiences were heard to say that they “never really realized how important that shepherd was to our history.”
  • First celebrity crush: Patti LuPone
  • Is in talks with I Love New York to use the “let’s go upstate” hook in a series of ads promoting summer tourism in the Adirondacks.
  • Of course he has a bucket list. Of course “have Beyonce be proud of my walk” is on it. Someday.

  • Hasn’t joined Instagram because “Instagramrico” doesn’t have as a good a ring to it as “Twitterico”
  • Was a competitor in one of those quiz bowl public access-type shows featuring kids from different schools in NYC. His team won.
  • Has that a cappella app where you harmonize with yourself. Mostly made up of Ingrid Michaelson, Mario Kart songs, and early drafts of Hamilton tracks.
  • Attended a LARP-ing summer camp when he was 13
  • Would have seriously auditioned for High School Musical if he was the right age (no, but have y’all SEEN this??).
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No One Man Should Have All That Power(ball)

Posted in Miscellany by

Powerball fever has swept the nation, due to the fact that for the first time ever, the jackpot has reached $1.5 billion, the highest ever it’s been in North America. People are spending thousands of dollars in hopes of winning the millions you’d be left with when the taxman comes to take your new fortune.

But let’s be real here folks. You’re not going to win the Powerball. You, person reading this blog on the Internet, will mostly likely not be the Lottery Superwinner of 2016. The odds are literally slim, since it’s currently 1 in 292 million. That is such a minuscule number. To put it in perspective, the odds of a terrorist incident on a plane are 1 per 16.6 million departures. That wasn’t an uplifting stat, but you get the point.

Now, I’ve never been much of a gambler. I’m fairly stingy when it comes to stuff like this, like why would I spend money without getting anything in return? I’m the worst in Vegas. I spend max $10 on penny slots and legit one time had to ask a casino deal how to play roulette (I ended up winning about $50 on the first spin and after a second one, I cashed the fuck out). But I totally bought into the FOMO of Powerball last week and put $20 of my hard-earned Christmas gift money to Powerball and Mega Millions. I did not win anything.

However, there is someone that will eventually win this huge prize, and I have a few suggestions for them once they get the cold hard cash and become the most enviable person in America overnight.

Make It Rain (Then Immediately Clean It Up)

Straight Up Pimp It
GG Revival 24/7

i am kirk on the GG set

Temporarily quit my job to become a “roadie” for the upcoming Gilmore Girls reunion (breaking news: it’s really happening. Filming starts next month, so I better get on this). I will give Amy Sherman-Palladino money to be an actual townie in Stars Hollow and live in the gazebo.

Buyout

Somehow buyout this douchenugget Martin Shkreli’s $45 million fortune and if he manages to stay out of jail, put him in a huge empty ass mansion in a remote area of Wyoming, and secure his precious copy of Wu-Tang’s Once Upon a Time in Shaolin in a glass case that’s impossible to get into. If he does open it, there will be no way to play it.

Take a Ride in Shondaland

Pay your way into Shonda Rhimes’ inner circle and find out what happens on TGIT nights months ahead of the peasants watching at home.

Win a Friendship Auction

Finally bid a winning amount on one of those friendship auctions with Tina and Amy. The going rate was $72,000 so that’s chump change if I’m a Powerball millionaire.

Coffee, stat

Start my own personal delivery service that only caters to me. And maybe my friends.

Go HAM

Buy the best seat in the house for Hamilton, pay with all $10 bills because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Fan Club President

i was actually a member of the bsb fc for like 2 years. like, recently. it’s fine.

Pay to be a fan club member for a bunch of artists I like so I can get first dibs on great seats. Purchase said great seats because MONEY IS NO OBJECT

Bring Happy Endings Back

BECAUSE MONEY IS NO OBJECT

 

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Live Blog: State of the Union

Posted in Live Blogs by

Watch this space: I’ll be live blogging the State of the Union here starting at 9:00 EST. What can I say, it’s the POTUS’s final SOTU and I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. So if you haven’t pledged your  readership to any of the many other SOTU live blogs, come back here tonight – I promise ours will be a lot more fun and 100% less cynical than you’ll find on any political sites.

During the address, be sure to refresh the page periodically to get our latest updates.

9:00 We’ve been promised a “non-traditional” speech. What I’d like that to mean: a song, an elementary school-style skit with Joe Biden as “Narrator”, an interpretive dance, spoken word where the President EMPHASIZES words and employs… pauses… rhetorically.

9:02 According to the commentators, the State of the Union address has already been posted online, if you like reading speeches before you hear them, I guess. Meanwhile over here:

9:07 Everyone is clapping for what seems like an absurdly long time when President Obama enters. I hope this means that the final State of the Union is like the end of senior year of high school, when random people start becoming friendly with each other because they have nothing to gain by being enemies anymore?

9:10 Michelle is in a mustard-y orange & yellow, not even caring that it’s cold because her arms look good and she KNOWS.

9:11 The president promises that the address will be short, which feels like that thing the priest says on Easter morning and it’s always a lie.

9:12 Okay, but Democrats and Republicans do know that the blue/red color code is just for imaginary maps that CNN uses on election night, right? You can all wear all the colors.

9:14 If I were bored at the State of the Union, I’d start counting Tiny American Flag Pins.

9:15 Bernie Sanders looks like he needs a tall glass of orange juice, a nap, and a few hours of sunlight. Campaign life has got to be HARD.

9:20 First topic: the economy. POTUS discusses private sector job growth, gains in auto industry, declining unemployment – but acknowledges changes in economy- automation and outsourcing of jobs causing companies to be less loyal, unequal dispersion of wealth, and less leverage for raises. YES. Basically summarizes my experiences graduating college/starting law school at the beginning of the Great Recession.

9:23 Education is important …. but I’m not so into the reference to No Child Left Behind. Some of those NCLB mandates did much more harm than good. But yes for universal Pre-K!

9:25 That’s why Social Security and Medicare are more important than ever; we shouldn’t weaken them, we should strengthen them. – Obama discusses filling the gaps in employer-based care so that people are still covered (because no, COBRA didn’t really do that).

9:29 Now Obama has to do that dance where he pledges to tackle imbalances that favor large corporations, while affirming that he REALLY LIKES THE PRIVATE SECTOR.

9:31 Okay, we’re getting into it now: Food Stamp recipients didn’t cause the financial crisis; recklessness on Wall Street did. Immigrants aren’t the reason wages haven’t gone up enough; those decisions are made in the boardrooms that too often put quarterly earnings over long-term returns. It’s sure not the average family watching tonight that avoids paying taxes through offshore accounts.

9:32 Talking about American innovation and creativity, the POTUS sort of drags up the Space Race like we’re all secretly still a bit salty about Sputnik.

9:35 Obama declares that America will be the nation to cure cancer – and honestly. We should be. We’re one of the most populous and wealthiest countries on Earth with a solid (though flawed) educational system. I somehow doubt that a lack of brainpower isn’t what has stopped it from happening yet. Let’s get that going.

9:37 From there, Obama goes to climate change. While most reasonable minds agree that clean energy at the LEAST can’t hurt, roughly 25% of the audience starts shifting uncomfortably in their seats and making frowny faces.

9:39 The President says we should be “putting tens of thousands of Americans to work” building 21st century transportation. Sounds a lot like a modern-day New Deal type situation. All of the public sector WPA jobs did great things to stabilize incomes during the Depression, and I’ve been wondering why we haven’t been copying that during the Recession.

9: 42 I’m so interested in how some politicians/outlets use the ISIL acronym and others ISIS (with SISI a distant third).

9:45 There is some minor grumbling when Obama says that ISIL “do not threaten our national existence. That’s the story ISIL wants to tell; that’s the kind of propaganda they use to recruit.” But he’s absolutely correct: by definition, terrorists use fear to operate – which includes instigating the U.S. to take offensive action, thereby further stirring anti-Western sentiments in unstable states.

9:49 On a totally different note, sometimes Paul Ryan’s hairline looks like a heart.

9:50 REMEMBER EBOLA.

9:54 If you’re on Twitter right now, do yourself a favor and start following the #Ham4SOTU tag.

10:03 Obama discusses the necessity for voting reform (yes!), or for those rapping along, corruption’s such an old song that we can sing in harmony, and nowhere is it stronger than in Albany.

10:07 But I can promise that a year from now, when I no longer hold this office, I’ll be right there with you as a citizen — inspired by those voices of fairness and vision, of grit and good humor and kindness that have helped America travel so far.

Hamiltunes translation:

“Everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree
And no one shall make them afraid.”
They’ll be safe in the nation we’ve made
I wanna sit under my own vine and fig tree
A moment alone in the shade
At home in this nation we’ve made
One last time

10:10 Obama closes: “That’s the America I know. That’s the country we love. Clear-eyed. Big-hearted. Optimistic that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. That’s what makes me so hopeful about our future. Because of you. I believe in you. That’s why I stand here confident that the State of our Union is strong.”

But of course, I fill in “Full Hearts, Can’t Lose” after “clear-eyed.” Because Obama is like a combination of Coach and Mrs. Coach, and to mix pop culture references, now he’ll have to teach us how to say goodbye.

 

 

Golden Globes 2016 – Best and Worst Dressed

Posted in Entertainment, Outfit Girl by

Awards season was off to a (slightly censored) start last night with the Golden Globes, and now that we’re officially promised ceremonies filled with Kate and Leo reunions for the next few weeks, I’d say it’s looking pretty good. Also looking pretty good – a number of the ladies in designer gowns. We’re back to bring you our picks for Best and Worst dressed from the booze-filled ceremony, capes and all.

Best Dressed

Molly’s Picks

Brie Larson in Calvin Klein

Like our 2003 Junior Prom, dresses with cutouts in the midsection are really in – and like our 2003 Junior Prom, just having good abs isn’t enough to pull off the look. Take a closer look at the beading – this is one marvelously well-executed dress and the color is perfect on Brie’s complexion.

Alicia Vikander in Louis Vouitton

To be more specific: I love this on Alicia Vikander- it’s so fresh and minimal it almost looks like a light summer dress instead of a formal gown until you look at how beautifully executed the pleats are. It’s really deceptively simple, but if it were tailored just a bit less well we’d be in pinafore territory: that’s what makes this such a success in my book.

Jaimie Alexander in Genny

The Golden Globes are a bit more playful (read: boozy) than the Oscars, and it’s just the place for a bold geometric pattern like this. I can’t get over how perfect this emerald green color is on Jaime, and I’m almost amazed that the combination of the large pattern and low neckline isn’t over the top. I think the otherwise simple construction keeps it from crossing the line. Good work, Genny. Whoever you are.

Jennifer Lawrence in Dior Haute Couture

Every awards show has one gown that waffles between my best dressed and worst dressed list, and this is the one for Golden Globes 2016. My thought is, Jennifer Lawrence has been a staple at every awards show for the past 4 years, but she’s still young and I’m happy to see her take a few risks. So combining a swing top with cutouts seems like a good thing to do – and good on her for balancing it with simple, classic hair and makeup.

Lily James in Marchesa

Lowkey trend of the past 2 years: capes on the red carpet. But in tulle, it looks new and downright angelic. If this dress were simply white it wouldn’t make my list, but look at it in a few different photos – it’s actually rainbow pastel like Lily is the queen of the unicorns or something.

Traci’s Picks

Jenna Dewan Tatum in Zuhair Murad Couture

After clearly beating her husband at Lip Sync Battle the other night despite it being a tie, Jenna knocked it out of the park again on Sunday with this gorgeous flowing navy blue gown. It gives off serious Starry Night vibes to me, which just makes me think of romance and glamour.

Laverne Cox in Elizabeth Kennedy

When you’re tall and skinny like Laverne a dress like this makes you look like a freaking Grecian goddess. I love that collar, too. She knows how to work this gown.

Olivia Wilde in Michael Kors

Glittery dresses seemed to be in fashion last night, and one of my favorite looks came from this beauty, in a to die crimson colored dress. It fits her body perfectly and I’m loving the complimentary eye makeup. The whole ensemble makes her looks sexy yet sophisticated at the same time.

Jennifer Lopez in Giambattista Valli

I went through a mustard phase a few years ago, and I still stand by it. The color doesn’t look great on everyone, and I don’t think J Lo’s worn a lot of dresses in this color, but she looks great in it. With the Angelina Jolie leg and the Lupita cape, I love all of it.

Taraji P. Henson in Stella McCartney

I judge a lot of my Best/Worst dressed on how the person carries themselves in said gown. If it looks like the dress is wearing you, I’m more apt to put you on the Worst list. If you know how to rock a simple yet stunning gown like Taraji, you’ve made the Best dressed. She came into the ceremony to slay, and even managed to hand out cookies on her way up to get her trophy too.

Bonus: Michael B. Jordan looking fine af.

Worst Dressed

Molly’s Picks

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy

I think it’s supposed to be 1920s fringe meets 1930s Old Hollywood, but I feel like she’s the fanciest barmaid in the whole saloon (not into THIS MUCH fringe, even on someone like Cate Blanchett).

Melissa McCarthy

First of all, she looks absolutely beautiful except for the dress. Second, the dress isn’t exactly her fault – these awards shows really emphasize that a lot of designers don’t know what to do with anyone over a size 6 or so. Third, I still wish Melissa would find a way to stay away from these dresses that look like garbage bags.

Kate Hudson in Michael Kors

Remember when I referenced my 2003 prom talking about Brie Larson? Yeah. This one is actually straight off of an early 2000s prom rack. It reminds me of something Britney Spears or Keira Knightly would have worn 13 years ago, which isn’t soon enough for a revival in my book. The matching choker doesn’t help.

 

Giuliana Rancic in Alex Perry

Take the same dress, give it cap sleeves, and it would be fine (-ish).

 Wiz Khalifa in Thom Browne

Wiz Khalifa looked like he was having a blast, which is great. I just wish he’d take off the sunglasses, wear long pants, and tidy up his tie.

Traci’s Picks

Taylor Schilling in Thakoon

As I mentioned with Taraji, sometimes the outfit wears you instead of the other way around. Taylor made my best dressed both at the 2014 Emmys and 2015 Golden Globes, but I’m not feeling it this year. That blazer – and I know she loves low-cut tops – and the glitter pant combo? Sorry, not for me.

Patricia Arquette in Paule Ka

Instead of putting a bird on it, Patricia misheard and put a *bow* on it.

Jane Fonda in Saint Laurent Paris

Jane Fonda is 78 and has a rockin bod. Remember this electric gown from Cannes last year? While this kind of shows her frame off, that top is not doing her any favors. She looks like the roof of a Spanish style house.

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy

Cate Blanchett – amazing actress, okay red carpet star.

Regina King in Krikor Jabotian

As much as I love a cape, it needs to be utilized in the right fashion. Lupita’s GG cape? Yes. J Lo’s GG cape? Yes. Regina’s sheer fabric ‘cape’? Nope.

 

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Live Blog: Golden Globes 2016

Posted in Entertainment, Live Blogs by

Well folks, it’s that time of year again – awards season kicks off Sunday with the Golden Globes! Although it will be spearheaded by Ricky Gervais and not our queens Tina and Amy, we’re still chronicling the event with our live blog starting 8p EST/5p PST (friendly reminder to refresh this page every few minutes or so to see our live post!). Also join us on Twitter here to get up-to-the-second quips and comments!

Preshow:

M: Jaimie Alexander is wearing Genny and looks like a dream, proving that a lot of the times the lesser-known designers make the best showing.

But Eva Longoria is also wearing a lesser-known designer and it’s one of those dresses where I need someone to tell me how I feel about it because I can’t decide.

The show starts in 10 minutes and I’m getting very nervous that we won’t get Kate and Leo in the same frame. Just seat them together, give the people what they want.

Rooney Mara’s braid is so hefty and sturdy it took me a full minute to realize that she’s wearing Cinderella’s dress after the stepsisters rip it.


I don’t mean this as an insult even a bit: Kirsten Dunst just looks right with a Minnesota accent coming out of her mouth. I might be thinking of her American Girl doppelganger, Kristen Larson.

The Golden Globe Awards

M: Ricky Gervais opens with a glass of beer and quips about NBC being impartial (because nothing is nominated), Sean Penn (snitch) and Caitlyn Jenner (not doing much for women drivers).

Some more topics include child molestation and equal pay, we’re all having a blast here!

I want to watch this show in the context of a pajama party with Tina, Amy and a lot of snacks.

Channing Tatum is wearing a terrible undercut like I see on buses and trains a lot. Jonah Hill is wearing a terrible bear hat. I don’t know which is worse. Maybe let’s stop trying to be funny and announce an award.

T: There are more bleeps for this bear than Ricky Gervais’ entire monologue. What in the hell could they be saying.

M: There’s a wind storm here, I thought that was my tv!

Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture

Jane Fonda, Youth

Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight

Helen Mirren, Trumbo

Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina

Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

Traci’s Pick: Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina

If you noticed, Alicia Vikander was nominated for two Golden Globes in two separate categories, so she’s clearly a favorite either way. But I think this movie will take the cake.

Molly’s Pick: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

I’ve heard good things about her in this one.

Winner: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

M: Kate. We don’t have to Taylor Swift it here, Kate. You win things sometimes.

T: BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS. WHERE IS LEO. This moment is also reminiscent of the time she won and was saying, ‘Composure’ to herself (or something like that). *Update – it was ‘Gather’, when she won for Revolutionary Road A MOVIE WITH LEO.

M: YES. I watched the whole time she was walking up to the stage waiting for Leo to pop up.

~*NVR 4GET*~

Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Limited-Series, or TV Movie

Uzo Aduba, Orange is the New Black

Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey

Regina King, American Crime

Judith Light, Transparent

Maura Tierney, The Affair

Traci’s Pick: Regina King, American Crime

I’m voting for the person who would give a great speech. Uzo follows closely behind.

Molly’s Pick: Uzo Aduba, Orange Is The New Black

Winner: Maura Tierney, The Affair

T: Oh man. 0 for 2 already. I’m off to a great start!

M: I almost picked her! If I’d known she was going to wear glasses tonight I would have. Very Serious Actress.

Maura Tierney just called herself a “four eyes,” like she’s Karen Brewer and and this is a Baby Sitter’s Little Sister Super Special.

T: Every time I see the crawls on the bottom of the screen promoting a new NBC show, it reminds me of that Community bit:

Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy

Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex Girlfriend

Jamie Lee Curtis, Scream Queens

Julia Louis Dreyfus, Veep

Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin

Lily Tomlin, Grace & Frankie

Traci’s Pick: Julia Louis Dreyfus, Veep

But really, Amy Poehler.

Molly’s Pick: Julia Louis Dreyfus, Veep

It seems like JLV wins every time nobody else is the clear favorite.

Winner: Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex Girlfriend

M: NO WAY. I think she’s incredible in Crazy Ex Girlfriend but I never thought it was even on the radar.

T: The HFPA loves newcomers! Should I watch Crazy Ex Girlfriend tho?

M: You’d really like it!

T: Judging on that freeze frame Rachel just did at the end of her speech, I’d have to agree.

Best TV Series, Comedy

Casual

Mozart in the Jungle

Orange Is the New Black

Silicon Valley

Transparent

Veep

Traci’s Pick: Mozart in the Jungle

It’s worth noting that none of these shows are on a major network, which says a lot about the content that’s being created outside of the Big 5. Anyways, I think Veep had another excellent season, and I recently binged all of Casual, yet I have a feeling neither of those will win. Mozart in the Jungle is my pick, just because it’s weird enough. Is it weird? IDK, I’m assuming bc Gael Garcia Bernal is in it.

Molly’s Pick: Transparent

It’s really good, although I agree that Veep had a great season awards voters usually love voting for the first season of shows.

Winner: Mozart In The Jungle

M: I don’t even know what the premise is. Is there Mozart, even? Or a real jungle? Also what sort of weird order are these awards in.

T: The Mozart is the conductor… the jungle is… the venue.?

M: That’s some kind of bullshit.

M: Everything I think I know about Carol is actually from that Tina Fey/Amy Poehler sketch where Kenan is directing them to act like it’s The Jeffersons.

M: There’s really no In Memorium? I love it. I will listen to any old foreign man they want to bring out to the stage.

T: I could’ve sworn they’ve done it before! Also this dude is like Roberto Benigni’s older brother. Or he’s just Italian.

T: Ooooooohhh that was a low blow to Batfleck! But also probs true?

M: Oh, it’s absolutely true.

Best TV Movie or Limited-Series

American Crime

American Horror Story: Hotel

Fargo

Flesh and Bone

Wolf Hall

Traci’s Pick: Fargo

I heard Landry was good in it. Relatedly – should I watch Flesh and Bone? And American Crime?

Molly’s Pick: Fargo

Winner: Wolf Hall

M:  I don’t know what Wolf Hall is.

T: What is happening?? Wolf Hall is the sequel to Homeland, in which Brody is alive.

Best Actor in a Limited-Series or TV Movie

Idris Elba, Luther

Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero

David Oyelowo, Nightingale

Mark Rylance, Wolf Hall

Patrick Wilson, Fargo

Traci’s Pick: Idris Elba, Luther

It would be great if it was a tie between my bb Idris and the Internet’s new BF Oscar, but people love Luther.

Molly’s Pick: Patrick Wilson, Fargo

Winner: Oscar Isaac

T: Ughhh I was going to pick him too!! FOR THE RECORD: OSCAR ISSAC HAS BEEN SLAYING SINCE INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS. #Smokeshow

M: Yeah, he has, but this is the month we all got crushes on him, though, right? And by “we all” I mean both the internet and the HFPA.

T: Guys, it’s true. The Internet loves Oscar Isaac.

M: Tom Ford and Lady Gaga – if this isn’t a wardrobe category I’ll be disappointed. Wait, does Golden Globes even have those though? I want to say no.

T: Yeah, they do not. Unfortunately.

T: Alan Cumming werk those glasses.

M: He is such an adorable person.

Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Limited-Series or TV Movie

Alan Cumming, The Good Wife

Damian Lewis, Wolf Hall

Ben Mendelsohn, Bloodline

Tobias Menzies, Outlander

Christian Slater, Mr. Robot

Traci’s Pick: Damian Lewis, Wolf Hall

Has anyone else finished this season of Homeland? It’s actually really good. Damian Lewis is still *SPOILER ALERT* dead.

Molly’s Pick: Alan Cumming, The Good Wife

I just really like him! (And no, I hadn’t seen this season of Homeland. Ahem. JK I haven’t seen an episode, that meant nothing to me).

Winner: Christian Slater

M: My concept of Christian Slater is frozen in like 1993, when I’d read about him in my sister’s 17 Magazines.

T: Christian Slater just gave Leo a handshake on his way up and that’s all I care about.

M: Oh, so Leo is WITHIN HANDSHAKE DISTANCE OF THE STAGE, KATE.

T: BITCH MISSED HER CHANCE. GIVE THE SHIPPERS WHAT THEY WANT.

someone actually made this

M: Oh great, there’s an adaptation of War and Peace coming out. Can’t wait! (JK never been into it.)

T: Jamie Foxx’s daughter is Miss Golden Globes this year, and I’d like to say that’s why he’s hamming it up right now, but let’s be real. He’s always like this.

M: Ugh Jamie you are EXHAUSTING. He just “read” Straight Outta Compton on the card, then held the real card up for all of us to read before announcing it. YOUR DAUGHTER IS EMBARRASSED.

T: Bless Lily James. What a delightful creature who has to deal with Jamie Foxx rn.

T: UGH QUENTIN. STOP I CANNOT WITH YOU. Nobody asked for this. Ennio’s name was on the envelope. IDEC that he’s not there.

M: Like 25% of the audience is making the face we are right now, and the other 75% want to but can’t because of face surgeries and injections.

T: Is Jane Fonda’s husband/boyfriend/male companion awake?

T: Yo, Jamie def just threw shade at Quentin for using the term “ghetto”. I knew he was going to get shit for that.

Best Actor in a TV Series, Drama

Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Rami Malek, Mr. Robot

Wagner Moura, Narcos

Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul

Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan

Traci’s Pick: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Jon Hamm always and forever, both at awards shows and in my heart.

Molly’s Pick: Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Just give him a farewell Golden Globe, why don’t you?

Winner: Jon Hamm

T: I lit’rally just started clapping to myself for Hamm. Get it done sir… “Thanks for not taking my advice and ending the entire series on Chumbawumba. You picked the right song.” WHY DIDN’T MORE PEOPLE LAUGH AT THIS JOKE

T: A-Schu and J-Law is the best presenter match-up since Wiig & Ferrell in ’13

M: Love Amy’s celebrity couple names: Amy-Tom Ford. Amy-All The Hemsworthes. Fav celeb friendship, right there.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy

Christian Bale, The Big Short

Steve Carell, The Big Short

Matt Damon, The Martian

Al Pacino, Danny Collins

Mark Ruffalo, Infinitely Polar Bear

Traci’s Pick: Matt Damon, The Martian

I honestly don’t know anymore – I haven’t seen any of these movies.

Molly’s Pick: Steve Carell, The Big Short

What the heck even is Infinitely Polar Bear? Sounds like a fake band name.

Winner: Matt Damon, The Martian

M: Honestly,  I should have picked him. But WHO IS AT TABLE 10? (Probably people from his movie, but.)

T: I haven’t seen The Martian, but honestly is it a comedy? Kristen Wiig and Donald Glover were in it, so yeah?

T: IT’S BEEN 18 YEARS SINCE GOOD WILL HUNTING??

M: NO WAY. It’s been AN ENTIRE ADULT PERSON since Good Will Hunting.

Also, Matt Damon, paraphrased: “Oh, I just make little movies nobody sees, la la la.”

Best Animated Feature Film

Anomalisa


The Good Dinosaur


Inside Out


The Peanuts Movie

Shaun the Sheep Movie

Traci’s Pick: Inside Out

*screams with tears* INSIDE OUT IS A FILM FOR ADULTS

Molly’s Pick: Inside Out

Why yes, I HAVE cried just thinking about it.

Winner: Inside Out

M: “Growing up is really hard and that’s a worthy subject to make a movie about” – best elevator pitch for an animated film, ever.

T: So technically Amy Poehler just won another Golden Globe, is how I just took this.

T: People are yelling “WOOWWWW” to Ryan Gosling & Brad Pitt on stage together, which, I mean is completely fair. ALSO BRAD IS ACTUALLY BENJAMIN BUTTON-ING

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture

Paul Dano, Love & Mercy

Idris Elba, Beasts of No Nation

Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies

Michael Shannon, 99 Homes

Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Traci’s Pick: Sylvester Stallone, Creed

Ok I DID see two of these, including my bae Idris and Sly in Creed. Like I said before, HFPA has a sweet spot for veteran Hollywood stars, so they’ll want to give this to Rocky.

Molly’s Pick: Idris Elba, Beasts of No Nation

No clue. I just like looking at him.

Winner: Sylvester Stallone, Creed

M: Rocky films should win every award just because the music is so good for walking up to the podium.

T: This moment is why the HFPA votes for people like Sylvester Stallone. Everyone gives him a standing ovation because they know he deserves it for his career *not* just for Creed. Also, good publicity for the org. But I mean, he was great in the movie.

M: I’ve never seen any of the Rocky movies … I used to live like a 2 minute walk from the Rocky steps in Philly so the closest I’ve been them is watching tourists pose at the top. Still, he seems like such a stand-up guy (and they’re on my to-watch list I swear).

T: Mark Wahlberg hates that he has to do these bits, probably.

M: I might hate that he has to, too.

T: I feel like a writer found those 2016 glasses in the corner of the writers’ room and was like, ‘I mean I guess we could do a joke about these?’ That writer was Carrot Top.

T: UPDATE – LEO SAID THIS ON THE RED CARPET. OBVIOUSLY ABOUT KATE.

M: OTP.

T: Where even is Kate? Stop doing press and get back with Leo.

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture

Emma Donoghue, Room

Tom McCarthy, Josh Singer, Spotlight

Charles Randolph, Adam McKay, The Big Short

Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs

Quentin Tarantino, The Hateful Eight

Traci’s Pick: Tom McCarthy, Josh Singer, Spotlight

I need to see Spotlight.

Molly’s Pick: Tom McCarthy, Josh Singer, Spotlight

I haven’t seen Room, but I read the book and I’m secretly pulling for Emma Donoghue because it was great (also because I’d like her, Saoirse Ronan, and Caitriona Balfe to pull a massive sweep for Ireland).

Winner: Aaron Sorkin, Steve Jobs

M: While they were announcing this, I amended my wish to “anything but Quentin Tarantino”. Didn’t want to listen to him again.

T: SPEAKING OF PROPS. AZIZ WITH A BOOK TITLED ‘HOW TO LOSE TO JEFFREY TAMBOR WITH DIGNITY’ Like he legit had that made specifically for this moment. Praise. 

Best Actor in a TV Series, Comedy

Aziz Ansari, Master of None

Gael Garcia Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle

Rob Lowe, The Grinder

Patrick Stewart, Blunt Talk

Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

Traci’s Pick: Gael Garcia Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle

Thought process: he’s foreign> the Globes are decided by Hollywood Foreign Press> Gael.

Molly’s Pick: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent

I always have a Dylan McDermott/Dermot Mulroney thing with Gael Garcia Bernal and Gabriel Garcia Marquez (except even more confusing because one is a Mexican actor and one’s a Colombian novelist).

Winner: Gael Garcia Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle

M: Really did think it would be Jeffrey Tambor!

T: Well, clearly my thought process has been validated.

T: FUCKING FINALLY

M: As far as I’m concerned we can all go to bed now.

T: I honestly forgot Ricky was hosting.

M: The latest joke (that Brad and Angelina will want to adopt Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong) goes over better than most of them have.

Best Actress in a Limited-Series or TV Movie

Kirsten Dunst, Fargo

Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel

Sarah Hay, Flesh & Bone

Felicity Huffman, American Crime

Queen Latifah, Bessie

Traci’s Pick:  Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel

I think the HFPA just want a reason to help Gaga EGOT.

Molly’s Pick: Kirsten Dunst, Fargo

She should win, anyway. She was incredible.

Winner: Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel

T: I’m gonna be honest with you I’m crying. I’ve never even seen the show.

M: I’ve only seen clips but I wasn’t impressed … and I STG Kirsten Dunst was amazing in Fargo.

T: IT IS SO QUIET IN THE BALLROOM BC HOLLYWOOD DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO REACT.

M: Gaga. You seem like a sweet enough person but nobody has to thank Ryan Murphy.

T: ALSO – GAGA KNOCKED LEO’S ARM AND HE REACTED IN A WAY THAT IS… I’M READY FOR THE GIF.


M: Have they been letting her talk for the past like 15 minutes? Gaga says she’s “truly speechless” but I don’t know, that was a lot of talking, Stefani.

M: If Zooey Deschanel’s going to grow out her bangs and part them in the middle and Katy Perry’s going to cut hers shorter and part them in the middle, eventually they’re going to merge and none of us will know the difference.

T: Sam Smith is snatching that EGOT. Get. it.

T: For those keeping track – in the past 15 minutes, Lady Gaga and Sam Smith won Golden Globes, and Katy Perry presented with a Bump It in her hair (seriously). Welcome to 2016.

M: I’ve forgotten to keep track of which celebs seem drunk and which seem high, but if I were there I’d be grabbing Ricky’s drink off the podium to get through this event.

T: “I love seeing Ricky every three years because it reminds me to get a colonoscopy.” What are the odds Mel hired a team of writers for that come back? Like in 2013? And they’ve been working on it ever since?

M: I just said “oh, no” out loud during the Mad Max segment because I’m afraid when it gets nominated for an Oscar I’m going to feel like I have to see it.

T: Ugh same.

Best TV Series, Drama

Empire

Game of Thrones

Mr. Robot

Narcos

Outlander

Traci’s Pick: Mr. Robot

My strategy has been and always will be ‘pick the weirdest, buzziest show/star to win the Golden Globes’. Mr. Robot is loved by critics and TV nerds. If any other show were to win, it might be Game of Thrones, but, like Molly, I’ve never seen it and it’s our best guess as to what’s going on in that show.

Molly’s Pick: Game of Thrones

Although since this is for season 1 of Empire, I’d like to see it win (season 2… nah).

Winner: Mr. Robot

M: Traci, can you explain what this is even about in a few words, because I have no clue?

T: Hackers. Internet. Christian Slater.

M: Hmm. I think I already have enough shows. Thanks.

T: Same. ALSO I just put it together than Emmy Rossum’s fiance is the creator/EP of Mr. Robot?

M: When did Emmy Rossum become the establishment, anyway?

T: …. Phantom? Shameless? I’m out.

M: Yeah gotta be Shameless. I feel like the only person who saw Phantom.

T: Just the two of us. *cut to Will Smith*

T: Give Tom Hanks an Emmy for this Denzel Washington impression. And for that whole speech.

T: HE GOT GAME WAS SO GOOD. I mean, all of Denzel’s movies, but also like, that one. Also also, there was a time when I met Denzel Washington and I always forget I did that.

M: I always forget you did too!

T: YOOOOOO IS THIS DENZEL’S SON (also i love that he brought his fam up)

M: Yeah I called Denzel’s adult children ‘adorable’ during the preshow and I stand by it 100%.

M: Denzel’s wife helping him read his writing like they’re all of our moms and dads instead of special, beautiful people, I love it.

M: Why doesn’t anyone in this crowd quiet down when someone starts talking? Waiting for a presenter to pull the teacher thing where they stand up there and say “I’ll wait” then stare at you.

T: Breaking: “What the fuck does sugartits even mean?” -Gervais to Gibson.

(btw: “What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?” – Mel Gibson to female police officer during 2006 DUI arrest)

M: What’s the point of this ‘banter’ that gets censored anyway? [but yes. What DOES sugartits even mean?]

T: According to Urban Dictionary (the go-to reference for 25+ humans)

  1. Describing a female with a deligtfully sweet bosom; a delicious pair of breasts.

“What do you think you’re looking at, sugar tits?” said the inebriated Mel Gibson to the arresting deputy.

M: I have obviously been watching this soulless awards show too long because that almost sounded sweet. (Except the Mel Gibson part.)

Best Director – Motion Picture

Todd Haynes, Carol

Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu, The Revenant

Tom McCarthy, Spotlight

George Miller, Mad Max

Ridley Scott, The Martian

Traci’s Pick: Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu, The Revenant

Thought process: he’s foreign> the Globes are decided by Hollywood Foreign Press> Leo.

Molly’s Pick: George Miller, Mad Max

Sometimes the HFPA goes for the director of these more “genre” films, so why not. But Inarritu is probably a better guess.

Winner: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, The Revenant

M: This also means I’ll probably feel like I have to see The Revenant, and I love Leo and I like nature OK but I’m just not interested.

Best Actress in a TV Series, Drama

Caitriona Balfe, Outlander

Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder

Eva Green, Penny Dreadful

Taraji P. Henson, Empire

Robin Wright, House of Cards

Traci’s Pick: Taraji P. Henson, Empire

Give this woman an award already.

Molly’s Pick: Taraji P. Henson, Empire

Again, especially because we’re talking about season 1. But if Caitriona Balfe wants to win the Irish trifecta I wouldn’t complain.

Winner: Taraji P. Henson, Empire

M: Did she bake these cookies or order them from a bakery because either scenario is adorable.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Comedy

Jennifer Lawrence, Joy

Melissa McCarthy, Spy


Amy Schumer, Trainwreck



Maggie Smith, Lady in the Van


Lily Tomlin, Grandma

Traci’s Pick: Amy Schumer, Trainwreck

It’s going to be a tough call between the BFFs in the category, but I’m giving the edge to Amy, since the HFPA tends to like newcomers with a lot of buzz and really old people/Hollywood veterans.

Molly’s Pick: Maggie Smith, Lady in the Van

Who could ever choose between any of these ladies?

Winner: Jennifer Lawrence, Joy

M: … with Amy Schumer starting a standing ovation like a true pal.

T: Love it. But also maybe should’ve been a tie between them!

M: How I know I’m getting old: I look at celebs already well into their 20s (Jennifer Lawrence) and think things like “I’m so proud of how she’s growing up!”

T: “Welcome back to the Golden Globes, here is Tobey Maguire” aka remember this guy?? He used to be relevant once upon a time.”

T: Lit’rally four people in a row referenced Tobey & Leo’s “Pussy Posse” on Twitter rn.

M: Never forget. Even if you want to, you can’t.

M: The disconnect between Jim Carey’s head hair and beard hair textures is really throwing me off.

M: New theory: the round tables at the Golden Globes make it really awkward because half of the people have to either turn their chairs or sit sideways, so the most important people get the locations where you get to sit facing the stage.

T: Next thing you know, the censor’s going to bleep out the winner for Best Motion Picture, Drama

Best Motion Picture, Comedy

The Big Short

Joy

The Martian

Spy

Trainwreck

Traci’s Pick: The Big Short

The Big Short is critically acclaimed, but so is Trainwreck. The Globes are usually an indicator of who’s going to win the Oscars, so my bet is that Amy Schumer’s not going to win an Oscar any time soon (as much as I would love her to).

Molly’s Pick:  Joy

I saw Joy, and I guess I chuckled a few times but it wasn’t really a *comedy* in the same way Trainwreck was. Awards shows eat that shit up.

Winner: The Martian

M: As far as I’m concerned, the nominees were two comedies and three movies where maybe you chuckle a few times.

Martian “began with a very smart book.” You know, like ALL the best comedies.

T: I’ve checked out, Ridley Scott. Unless you’re going to burst out into song from Avenue Q in this speech, this film was not a musical nor a comedy.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama

Cate Blanchett, Carol

Brie Larson, Room

Rooney Mara, Carol

Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn

Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

Traci’s Pick: Brie Larson, Room

I only hear great things about Brie Larson in this movie, so I’m going with her, even though I secretly want Saoirse Ronan to win because I could listen to her talk for days.

Molly’s Pick: Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

I think Brie Larson and Alicia Vikander are the most buzz-y this year. But Cate Blanchett has a good shot if the voters go for the establishment. I also secretly want Saoirse Ronan to win, though. I just love her.

Winner: Brie Larson, Room

M: For the record, I have been watching my television for three and a half hours and haven’t heard Saoirse Ronan speak ONCE. Didn’t even know she was there til now. Anyway congrats, Brie.

T: She spoke on E! earlier and it was the highlight of the pre-show.

M: I’ve really got to get cable.

T: Brie Larson is such a delight! Before the show, she said she talked to Emma Stone who gave her a pep talk and said, “You’re gonna have the best time – you’re inside the TV!”. This is the type of speech I’m into.

M: Yes, everyone take a page from her book!

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama


Bryan Cranston, Trumbo


Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant


Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs


Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl


Will Smith, Concussion

Traci’s Pick: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

Molly’s Pick: Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl

Unless he’s So Last Awards season.

Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio

T: YASSSSSSSSSS WHERE IS KATE. WHERE IS KATE. WHERE IS KATE.

M: YAYYY! But does this mean he’ll be even more cursed for the Oscars? Can they please show Kate? SHOW KATE.

IS KATE OKAY. WHERE IS SHE.

T: MAYBE SHE’S PASSED OUT BC THE LOVE OF HER LIFE JUST WON A GOLDEN GLOBE.

M: Yeah maybe she’s hidden behind a camera taking pics for her scrapbook.

T: Kate is at Eddie Redmayne’s table (I THINK) so like, just PAN OVER.

M: THANK KATE. I don’t care that she wasn’t in this.

T: I THOUGHT WHEN HE SAID “LASTLY” THAT IT WAS GOING TO END WITH “KATE WINSLET, WHO HAS BEEN WITH ME AND IN MY HEART SINCE 1996.”

M: I SAW. DID YOU SEE.

T: NO UGH I WAS LOOKING FOR LEO GIFS

M: He thanked the makeup artist or something and you could see a fuzzy Kate Winslet calling out a “woo!” so I like to think she was there just cheering at every damn thing he said.

T: I REWOUND IT. THIS IS THE GREATEST.

M: I know! Now I can picture her applauding throughout the entire speech.

T: Let’s just take a mo to remember when Kate professed her love for Leo (and kept saying “Gather” to herself) at the Globes a few years ago:

Best Motion Picture, Drama

Carol

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Revenant

Room

Spotlight

Traci’s Pick: Spotlight

Spotlight’s been picking up a lot of steam this awards season, but if any film is a close runner-up, it’s going to be Mad Max: Fury Road. Both of these movies I have not seen.

Molly’s Pick: Spotlight

It seems like the most likely candidate. I also haven’t seen it.

Winner: The Revenant

T: Well, I was going to see this anyways, but ok.

M: Usually the keywords “epic biographical Western” would put me off it, but for Leo, okay.

T: If we can’t listen to Saoirse, I’d listen to Alejandro.

M: Too bad, because I think they cut him off. Meanwhile we had to listen to a 5-minute speech for an award Quentin Tarantino didn’t even win.

T: Hollywood, amirite?

M: I legit almost ended with “that’s Hollywood” with a shrug-face emoji.

T: “From myself and Mel Gibson, shalom” Oh boy drag him, Ricky.

M: If for no other reason than sticking it to Mel Gibson, I think Ricky did an OK job.

T: Agreed. And now we all have Sugartits back in our vocabulary in 2016, so thank you.

Goodnight from our sugartits to yours (no? not using it right? need to look up the definition again?) and be sure to come back tomorrow for our Best and Worst Dressed post. Thanks for reading!

The ‘Sisters’ Yearbook: Meet The Class Of 1989

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If we could snap our fingers and end up in any movie moment from this holiday season, we absolutely would have gone to the world of the Ellis sisters’ teenage bedroom in the Paula Pell / Tina Fey / Amy Poehler comedy, Sisters (what, did you think we would say a Star Wars thing? We have some catching up to do before we’re ready for that).

While we’re holding our breath for an extended DVD feature with the set designers, we can’t help but wonder what was inside the sisters’ high school yearbook … which we’re sure was lurking somewhere beneath the banana clips, L.A. looks gel, and those weird circular things you used to gather long t-shirts to the side. Here’s our best guess at the characters’ senior superlatives, activities, and quotes – plus some bonus teen photos of some of our favorite funny people.

Kate Ellis (Tina Fey)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: After-Prom Committee, Ski Club*, Fashion Club (founder, first quitter), Saturday Detention Club (social liaison)

Quote: “Man, living at home is such a drag.” – Beastie Boys

Superlative: Most Casual

*This was a lie for the benefit of college applications. Florida.

Maura Ellis (Amy Poehler)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Field Hockey, Lacrosse, French Club, Newspaper (Editor), Yearbook (Editor), Model Peace Corps (Somalia), Big Brothers/ Big Sisters, Adopt a Grandparent, Adopt a Highway, Amnesty International (Student Chairperson), Mock Arbitration

Quote: “You don’t have to be famous. You just have to make your mother and father proud of you.” – Meryl Streep

Superlative: Hardest Trier

Brinda (Maya Rudolph)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Drama Club, JV Cheerleading, Student Realtors Of America, Culture Club

Quote: “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while you could miss it.” – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Superlative: The Worst

James (Ike Barinholtz)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Drama Club, Shop Club, Swim Team

Quote: “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” – Milton Berle

Superlative:  Best Guy To Bring Home To Mom And Dad*

*A real Senior Superlative category at some schools. The More You Know.

Pazuzu (John Cena)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Football, Wrestling, Young Entrepreneurs

Quote: “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” Gandhi

Superlative: Most Likely To Succeed

 

Dave (John Leguizamo)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: N/A

Quote: “What a long strange trip it’s been.” – Grateful Dead

Superlative: Best Hair

Alex (Bobby Moynihan)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Frisbee Golf, Ultimate Frisbee, Toastmasters, Student Clown Guild, Junior Friars Club, Slapstick Team

Quote: “With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.” Rodney Dangerfield

Superlative: Most Heartbreaking

 

Kelly (Rachel Dratch)

dratch

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Yearbook (photographer), Class Archivalist

Quote: “Hold on to 16 as long as you can” – John Mellencamp

Superlative: Best Years Of Her Life

 

Sam (Kate McKinnon)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Softball, Teen Orienteering, Shop Club, Junior Survivalists, Bowling

Quote: “My hair may be straight, but I’m not.”

Superlative: Most Prepared

Hae Won (Greta Lee)

Clubs/Extracurriculars: Dance Team

Quote: 이 장소는 최악

Superlative: Best Nails

Playlist of the Month: Songs from 2015 That Need To Stay In 2015

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Well folks, it’s a brand new year, which means it’s time for a fresh start. One where we can look forward to good things to come in the next 12 months, and leave behind all the shitty things that happened where they belong in 2015. And keeping in our annual tradition, we’ve compiled a list of songs from 2015 that we’d be happy to never hear in 2016 or any other year moving forward, for that matter.

Traci’s Picks

Watch Me by Silento

I really wish I could just list this song five times in a row, but I won’t. I feel like we, as a society, understand why this song is on this list. It’s a novelty song in the same vein as the Macarena or Gangnam Style, but when you take the dance proponent away, it’s just not that good of a song, and it’s really annoying.

She’s Kinda Hot by Five Seconds Of Summer

Not sorry I’m about to say this, but 5 Seconds of Summer is a trash band. Come at me 5SOS fans. This song proves it, blatantly being sexist and making money off of it. Actual lyrics: “My girlfriend’s bitchin’ cause I always sleep in/She’s always screaming when she’s calling her friends/She’s kinda hot though/Yeah she’s kinda hot though/(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)”

Pretty Girls by Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea

I love you Brit, but you’ve done better than this. You ARE better than this.

Uma Thurman by Fall Out Boy

There’s just something about comparing a girl to Uma Thurman’s character in Pulp Fiction that makes me super uneasy. Maybe it’s because Tarantino films make me uneasy, so this is just uncomf by default? Either way, still not digging the song.

Can’t Feel My Face by The Weeknd

I don’t even hate this song, but all of The Weeknd’s singles were played constantly in 2015. I’d turn on the radio, and it would be this song, then switch to another station and it would be Earned It. Couldn’t escape the guy.

Molly’s Picks

Honey I’m Good by Andy Grammer

This song brings me back to my early 20s, when you’d go to a dive bar and stay there too late and end up talking to somebody like this. And in 2015, you could have that experience WITH this song playing in the background. It somehow manages to sound faux-country and faux-reggae at the same time. I guess the good part is that the narrator doesn’t cheat?

Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding

I love Ellie Goulding, wedding singer for Will and Kate, hotel guest who cheated (…ish) on Ed Sheeran with Nial Horan before he was even New!Nial, performer who launched 1,000 Youtube covers. But I do NOT love Love Me Like You Do, which sounds like a breathy take on a 1998 Robyn b-side (and I also love Robyn). Let’s be real, I mostly don’t like it because it’s from 50 Shades of Gray.

Fight Song by Rachel Platten

I’m sure there are plenty of really nice folks going through hard times who have made this their “anthem” by now, and I mean no ill will. I just don’t like it. I think it falls into the category of What Makes You Beautiful and All About That Bass, which I dislike because they feel like they’re pandering.

Love Myself by Hailee Steinfeld

I just don’t care for this, although it doesn’t, like, offend my sensibilities in the way that 5SOS does.

Sugar by Maroon Five

There isn’t much wrong with this song, it just isn’t one I feel like I have to hear again. I’ve never hated it, but I’ve never loved it, and it sounds like something I would hear on a commercial or at the gym, maybe.

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Hittin’ on Ben Higgins For All The Right Reasons

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Well guys, it’s January, which means one thing: breaking resolutions a new season of The Bachelor! America’s favorite guilty pleasure is back, and so is our inability to stop watching year after year despite telling ourselves otherwise. But I mean, how else are we supposed to judge others as a community while downing bottles of wine?? And this time around, the 20th season of The Bachelor features one of the most beloved contestants in the series, Ben H(iggins).

When Ben H. was dumped by Kaitlyn on last year’s The Bachelorette, the cries of thousands of females (and males) were heard around the country, including mine. He was one of the nicest, non-dramatic, HOT, there for the *right reasons* contestants on the season, and it was obvious he was going to be chosen as the next object of affection. Now that he has the title, all he needs is a slew of women stirring up some trouble inside the mansion as well as his heart. Last night, we were introduced to the 28 ladies vying for Ben H. and it’s already off to such a great start. In full disclosure, I latched myself onto my friends’ Bachelor fantasy league yesterday afternoon and I have a lot more riding on this season than normal (nothing, we’re playing for nothing) but it is intense THERE IS AN EXTENSIVE GOOGLE DOCUMENT AND I AM EXCITED. Here are some of the contestants who stuck out to me (and might be part of my fantasy team), and maybe not all for the *right reasons*.

The Frontrunners

Get these girls a ticket to their hometowns already

Lauren B ⋅ 25 ⋅ Flight Attendant

Lauren B. seems to already be a favorite among #BachelorNation, but more importantly to Ben, who was obviously smitten with her during their brief chat in front of the fireplace.

Becca ⋅ 26 ⋅ Chiropractic Assistant

I’m in the “Who Cares” camp if someone from a previous season comes back to the show again, because on the real, it’s a whole different ball game. Becca’s relationship with Chris Soules is completely different than the one with Ben. On top of that, if her romance with Ben is stronger than his is with, say, Olivia, then let them be, amirite?!

Caila ⋅ 23 ⋅ Software Sales Representative

Caila, like Ben, is a software sales rep, so they probably have a lot of corny jokes about Mavis Beacon or something. TBH, I don’t think she’s The One, but she has a chance of making it in the final four.

The Low-Key Soon-to-Be Frontrunners

Every season, the winner and/or runners-up tend to come out of nowhere. They suddenly get a lot more air time in the middle of the season and next thing you know you’re rooting for them to win because they have a *connection* (See: Jef, Catherine, Jade). These girls might be the ones to surprise us this year.

Samantha ⋅ 26 ⋅ Attorney

There’s something super chill about Samantha that makes me think she’ll stick around for the long haul, and perhaps Ben sees it too. Or maybe it’s because she reminds me of a mashup of Jordan and Tara from Chris’ season.

Joelle (JoJo) ⋅ 25 ⋅ Real Estate Developer

JoJo is also someone with a chill vibe – basically I feel like I could hang with these girls except for the fact that I would feel super old and haggard around them. Anyways, JoJo seems normal and is there for *the right reasons*.

Jami ⋅ 23 ⋅ Bartender

IDK what it is guys, but Jami could guerrilla attack us and end up being the next Bachelorette. She’s gorgeous, and Ben hit it off with her in the limited minutes we saw them together, but I have high hopes for her.

Keep Them In Your Bracket For A While

Amanda ⋅ 25 ⋅ Esthetician

This mother of twins seems to be another fan favorite, and she also shares something in common with Chris Soules’ (ex) fiancee – their high voices.

Emily ⋅ 22 ⋅ Twin

Good for TV, y’all.

Hailey ⋅ 22 ⋅ Twin

Good for TV, y’all.

Jubilee ⋅ 24 ⋅ War Veteran

Listen, Jubilee sounds like a badass I don’t want to mess with, so if Ben is smart, he shouldn’t cast her off so soon either.

Amber ⋅ 30 ⋅ Bartender

I don’t want to say I dislike Amber, but all I’m saying is I don’t feel anything for her when I watch her on the show. I don’t love her, I don’t hate her, I don’t anything her. But looks like Ben does.

Jennifer ⋅ 25 ⋅ Small Business Owner

Jennifer also didn’t get a lot of screen time last night, which either means she’s leaving soon or she’s staying for a bit. I can’t even remember why I wrote her down as not leaving anytime soon, so here we are.

The Shit Stirrers/Kukoo Banana Pants

This should be self explanatory.

Olivia ⋅ 23 ⋅ News Anchor

She may have gotten the first impression rose, but I had a feeling she had crazy eyes before the crazy seemingly came out in the promo for the rest of the season. Also, she said, “I’m really humble”, which is a thing actual humble people don’t say.

Mandi ⋅ 28 ⋅ Dentist

Bitch came in with a giant rose on her head and proceeded to examine his incisors.

Lace ⋅ 25 ⋅ Real Estate Agent

The token wasted girl on the first night. If you watched it, you already know.

#YouTried

Honey sweetie you made it this far but your journey ends here (or in an early episode). Take a moment and say your goodbyes.

Sushanna ⋅ 27 ⋅ Mathematician

Her entrance was all in Russian (?). Brilliant move by the show’s editors: only show her speaking not English for the rest of the episode. Homegirl is from Utah.

Jackie ⋅ 23⋅ Gerontologist

She had a cute little game with Ben on the first night, but her luck might run out soon enough.

Lauren (LB) ⋅ 23⋅ Fashion Buyer

Honestly, I think no one even calls her “LB”, but there was already a Lauren B., so she had to pull a Lauren Conrad instead.

Lauren H ⋅ 25⋅ Kindergarten Teacher

No matter how many times I look at her, I still don’t remember her.

Rachel ⋅ 23 ⋅ Unemployed

Sidenote: EVERYONE IS SO YOUNG. I GET BEN IS 26 BUT THESE ARE BABIES.

Leah ⋅ 25 ⋅ Event Planner

But seriously, she looks like the captain of her high school cheerleading team.

Special shoutout to Tiara the “Chicken Enthusiast”, who got cut the first night. At least we got to see this:

 

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Best ___ Of 2015: Some Really Specific Superlatives

Posted in Miscellany by

2015 is over, and so is vacation. For a lot of us, this is the first day back at work for a week or two, and I, for one, am not ready. How not ready? I’m just going to bury my head in the sands of time and think about 2015 for a few more minutes. By now all of the year’s Best Of lists are out – best movie, best new television show, and so on. However, I think a few categories were left off the lists. From best Ham4Ham performance to best original song by a fictional artist, there’s a lot more of 2015 left to enjoy*.

*There isn’t, though. It’s over. Better get back to work after this. Yuck.

Best Ham4Ham performance of 2015: Love For The Techies Day

We aren’t going to talk about the best musical of 2015 – there’s no need, because I think we all agree here (#WeAreAHamiltonBlogNow). So how about the best performance from Ham 4 Ham, the Hamilton lottery? There are a lot of excellent contenders and you could make a solid argument for a handful of them, but I’m going with one of the more unorthodox performances: Love for the Techies Day. The whole company performed the Ten Duel Commandments, but it wasn’t just amazing because the entire cast was there. The stage manager called out all of the cues, and when you realize that he does that for the entire show, every day, you’ll be blown away.

Best dance craze of 2015: Whip & Nae Nae

… and NOT because it’s a good dance, but because it has followed the classic Dance Craze trajectory. It is easy enough that anybody can execute it, though maybe not well. It started as a reasonably “cool” thing to do, then trickled down to the elementary school set. From there, it has traveled way up the age bracket, and there’s a good chance that your mom or aunt has learned it at a wedding (possibly from a child). In a lot of ways, the nae nae is like the Macarena of 2015. Complete with annoying song that we’re all sick of.

Best viral video with a puppy in it: Drunk Girls Get Surprised With Puppies

This was not an easy choice, and I am fully open to more puppy video suggestions because I can’t get enough. I am particularly partial to puppies making friends with other species. But this one basically summed up my internal monologue when I see a puppy, so I’m going with it. Also my favorite puppy/horse video is from 2014, anyway.

Best viral video with a kitten in it: Meet Koko’s New Kittens

Koko always wanted a baby, but she got kittens instead. Apparently when a human does that it’s “sad” (whatever) but it sure is adorable when a gorilla did it. The gorilla is so gentle I want to cry.

Best new Netflix series – comedy: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The magic starts with the theme song and just keeps going. Master of None is a close second, but I’m not considering it a full-out *comedy* (we’ll explain).

Best new Netflix series – drama: Jessica Jones

I don’t know if this makes my opinion more or less valid (probably less?) but I’ve never seen a superhero show before. What I like is that it’s plot- and character- driven (and I realize that most superhero dramas are…) and there aren’t too many action sequences unless they actually move the story forward. Gratuitous action sequences are just something that tends to make me lose interest and avoid the genre. As a character study alone, I’m pleasantly surprised by how good this show is. [Full disclosure: real life got a little too real and I haven’t seen the last 3 episodes yet but I heard they’re excellent.]

Best new Netflix series – documentary: Making a Murderer

This isn’t the last you’ll hear from us about Making a Murderer, so I won’t say too much now. We both love how this filled the Serial-shaped hole in our lives (the new season of Serial is still good, but different).

Honorable mention for best documentary: Master of None, because I know it’s a comedy but it was also the REALEST thing I’ve seen in a while.

Best 90s television reunion: Saved By The Bell on Jimmy Fallon

This was 100% more Bayside-like than that weird school in the Lifetime movie about Saved By The Bell. I wonder at what point Mark Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez will stop looking exactly like 1993-era  Zach Morris and A.C. Slater given the right hair and wardrobe.

Best 2000s television reunion: Gilmore Girls 

And not just because we were there.  It’s not often that the entire cast of a show will reunite like that, and it’s even better now that we know that the series will be getting the sign-off it deserved.

Best original song by a fictional artist: Drip Drop – Hakeem Lyon on Empire

https://youtu.be/uYh27JxFkJ4

We love original songs by fictional artists so much that we did a whole playlist on the topic, but if we did that today there’s a chance it would just be Drip Drop ten times. Just think, a year ago at this time we had no idea what Empire was going to unleash on all of us.

Best children’s movie for adults: Inside Out

It’s great for kids, too, but something about this one really grabs most adults, plus a lot of the references to things like art and psychology are geared toward the grown-ups, anyway. Fair warning: this is also 2015’s Best Children’s Movie To Cry During, based on an informal survey of … us. We both cried.

Best uncanny resemblance between a  celebrity and a presidential candidate: Larry David/ Bernie Sanders

Many of the best impressions are performed by people who look nothing like the subject they’re impersonating. Still, there’s something so exciting when a politician has a ready-made celebrity doppelgänger (see: Tina Fey and Sarah Palin). It looks like we’ll all be feeling the Bern for at least a while longer, so let’s all hope that Larry David is willing to reprise his spot-on, no-effort impersonation.

Best surprisingly heartwarming pop culture moment: Shia LaBoeuf watches the Even Stevens movie

 

I don’t know how I feel about Shia LaBoeuf, but I DO know how I feel about Even Stevens: that it’s an essential part of my childhood television cannon, and when I say childhood I mean that it aired when I was in high school and was made for 8-year-olds. Shia’s latest performance art piece, #AllMyMovies, involved him… watching all of his movies. Yet when I watch all of Shia LaBoeuf’s movies, it’s not performance art, it’s just a weird Saturday. Anyway, his reactions to Even Stevens were actually precious.

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Best of C+S 2015: Speculative Premiere Week: Meet The New Shows Of 2019!

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So it’s 2016, huh? Sounds fake, but fine. In our final Best of 2015 post, we’re going to take it back to the future – here are all the Law and Order spinoffs, fat guy/skinny wife shows, and C-list celebrity comebacks that we’re pretty sure will be hitting our screens in 2019. Happy New Year, everyone! See you Monday with our all-new 2016 posts.

Maybe we’re getting a little carried away with our role as Fantasy Network Executives, but we’re pretty sure we can predict exactly what will be on tv in 4 years. Expect the new batch of series to contain a breakout SNL star, CBS’s latest Fat Guy/Skinny Wife offering, a movie franchise adaptation, a poorly planned reboot, and a patently offensive comeback or two. And Ryan Seacrest, always Ryan Seacrest. So what’s on the block for 2019? Set your DVR’s way ahead, it’s going to be quite a year!

Selfie Off with Ryan Seacrest

The top 10 selfie takers in America face-off (quite literally) in a variety of different challenges to see who can take the best photo. On a rollercoaster, next to a fire, in a haunted house, who will not let outside elements deter them from their photography skills and ultimately take the crown of America’s Favorite Selfie Taker? This show does not do well.

Sass and Grass

taraji franco

James Franco and Taraji P. Henson star in this buddy cop dramedy patrolling a rough Philadelphia high school, which has a bad weed problem. Except Franco may have a weed problem of his own.

Soul Mates

Teen ghost falls in love with a living teen (teen ghosts are the teen vampires of 2019).

Fantastic Four

Because if it fails on the big screen, let’s try TV instead.

The Franny

A reality show starring Fran Drescher, featuring her life as a TV producer and her close friendship with her gay ex-husband.

The George Lopez Project

In this George Lopez vehicle, he plays the George Lopez character from his 2002-2007 series “George Lopez.” He has moved to Tallahassee to care for his aunt with whom he has “comedic” (but not actually funny) spats.

Waffle King Juniors

The search for the best kid waffle maker is on. Hosted by Alton Brown, sponsored by IHOP. As the title suggests, Waffle King is already a show by this point.

Tiny Houseboat International

Features people looking to not only downsize their home but also sail the high seas (but not too high, these boats are TINY).

Roller Coaster Tycoon

In this Apprentice spinoff hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, the search is on for the next great amusement park mogul.

Pretty In Provo

Aidy Bryant stars as a Cool Mormon trying to juggle her mommy blog and etsy shop, while wrangling her kids Wren, Polly, and Olive-Lou. Her house and outfits are bright and adorable, and we… kind of want this to exist for real? AIDY?

Jerry Maguire

In this TV adaptation of Jerry Maguire, Jerry is played by that British kid from Finding Neverland (Freddie Highmore).

By The Book

Keri Russell and Barry Watson are former classmates at NYU who were academic rivals (there was always a sexual tension between them, but nothing happened). Now they’ve both returned to their alma mater as professors in the same English department and still have that feeling of hatred towards each other but also even stronger sexual tension. One of the students is young Gene Draper from Mad Men. There are sweeps week guest spots by Scott Speedman and Amy Jo Johnson.

Blueprint For Love

Taran Killam stars as a Ted Mosby type, but less pretentious and more funny and charming. He’s an architect, trying to follow the rules from an archaic dating guide to the letter in the hope of meeting “the one.”

Gal Pals

Katie Holmes and Ellen Page star as sisters who have to pretend that they’re dating in order to rent an apartment in San Francisco, a la Three’s Company.

gal pals

The London Editor

A career-driven American 30-something (one of our 2019 TV Rookies To Watch) who has no time for love spars with her London-based editor (Thomas Sangster, the kid from Love Actually). She pictures him as a grumpy old sourpuss, but discovers that he’s actually a young, charming curmudgeon. But they live on different continents and, again, she doesn’t have TIME for love!

Kangaroo Court with Bindi Irwin

Bindi Irwin travels to wildlife preserves across Australia, solving training problems and inter-animal rivalries: think Dog Whisperer, but with more kangaroos.

Gossip Woman

In this CW reboot of Gossip Girl, all-grown-up Jenny Humphrey is a touring musician who is haunted by a gossip blogger (still Dan). Inexplicably, Jenny and Dan (along with a few of their classmates) are parents to teenagers, who start to find that their own secrets are being revealed.

Silver Sisters

This reboot of Golden Girls features a cast of 38-44 year old women (the oldest allowable in 2019).

Meerkat Detective

A animated/live-action comedy about a Meerkat detective who solves crimes in Chicago using the social media live video app Meerkat.

Suburban Legends

After years in the city, Jake Potter moves back to the suburb of his youth, where he is reunited with all of his old childhood gang and they pick up right where they left off … to much head-shaking by his prim wife, Julie. There are ’90s and early ’00s flashbacks. This is CBS’s requisite Fat Guy/Skinny Wife show for 2019, and it stars Shia LaBeouf (who is fat in 2019).

Ill-Conceived

In this attempted comeback, Amanda Bynes plays a sassy, wealthy young doctor who recently took up a post at an inner-city abortion clinic as terms of some kind of probation. The show is quickly canceled because everyone hates it, and in the final episode to air Amanda discovers that she’s pregnant. Maybe Diablo Cody writes it?

CSI: Des Moines

It stars Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney, who play Daniel Muldowney and Donny McDaniel.

Law And Order: Car Theft

When your car gets stolen, who you gonna call? Probably 911, who will tell you to call 311, who will refer you to this department run by Camryn Manheim.

So You Think You Lift, Bro?

Just two dudes facing off, lifting heavier and heavier weights as the competition goes on. It’s not a hit on primetime and gets cancelled after two episodes on Spike. Hulu’s fitness-oriented online platform MeatHead, picks it up and does great.

Floored

Brad Pitt realizes every A-lister is starring in a TV show so he does too. In a multi-cam comedy for CBS, Brad plays the super of an Upper East Side apartment building in New York City. He’s an overall upbeat guy and the quirky tenants (think Gilmore Girls or Parks & Rec townies) love him – but when his ex-fiancee moves into the building to live with her new fiance, his jealousy and cattiness comes out. The show airs after the Shia LaBeouf show.

Another Shonda Rhimes show

Doesn’t even matter what it’s about. It’ll be on and we’ll watch it.

Dubya

George W. Bush stars in this docu-series about the months leading up to his first big art show installation at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He shows a stressed side we’ve never seen before but manages to keep his positive attitude a crack a few (a lot) of dad jokes in the process.

 

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